THE BEGINNING.
Chapter one:THE BEGINNING.
Today was a beautiful day. Birds were chirping away in the park, people going on about their normal business or well what passes for normal in Steelport. During this day. This sunny day, two Saints in a pent house were sitting at the dinner table playing a game of ‘go fish.’ with vodka. ‘Cause you know why the fuck not?
“Do you have any two’s?” One of them asked.
“For the lo- … I didn’t have any two’s the last twenty times you asked me! What makes you think I would have them the other twenty times you ask?!” The Other exclaimed.
“But I never know with you, last time I turned my back on you. You shot me in the arse with a bloody Annihilator RPG!” The first one shouted back
“But you were fucking begging for it!” Said the other one with a huge evil grin on his face.
“Would you two be more quiet? I’m trying to watch a movie here!” Someone yelled from the living room.
“Shut up Peirce!” The one named Alpha yelled. Or hes more commonly known as The Gaming Boss. or just Boss. Either one is fine, he keeps his real name for himself though.
“Shut your flap Peirce!” The one named Excite or more commonly known as The Crazy Britt yelled too. With a heavy British accent.
“You are one huge bloody dick.” Excite said.
“Fuck you too then.” Alpha shot back. He then picked up his small shot glass and tossed it at the wall. Then he took the whole vodka bottle and started chugging.
“You sure that’s a great idea, mate?” Excite asked. He waited until Alpha had chugged down the whole bottle and threw it at the floor causing it to shatter.
“Lets go driving.” Alpha slurred out in his drunken haze.
“What? But you are just in you’re bathrobes. Are you completely bonkers?!” Excite asked with a bit more concern over the Saints reputation than his friend that were sitting across the table looking drunken probably on the verge of puking.
“Just let me go and uhh... Change clothes?” Alpha said getting up and stumbling around until he got out to the living room.
“Put on some proper clothing? Bloody hell you are a genius!” Excite exclaimed as he stood up so quickly he made the chair fly backwards and hit another Saint in the legs causing him to fall over and hit his back head on the marble floor knocking him out.
“Sorry about that, mate” Excite said as he walked out into the living room in his bathrobe which happened to be purple and have The Third Street Saints logo on them. He quickly made his way up to the second floor and into his room, from there on he changed into a purple turtle neck sweater and some purple high class slacks. He then put on his trusty black trench coat which happened to have pretty deep pockets.
He then put on some fingerless gloves as he was done with all of that he walked past a mirror and saw that he was not wearing his network sunglasses. He quickly picked them up from the bed table and put them on. He then walked out of his room to find that Alpha was on the floor drooling.
“Bloody hell...” Excite said with a groan. ‘But at least hes properly clothed this time around...’ Excite thought as he walked to the side of Alpha and crouched down. He sat there a few minutes looking at Alpha hoping that he would wake up, but as fate has it. Alpha did not wake up
So he did the next best thing. He took out the Penetrator from one of his incredibly deep pockets and started poking Alpha with it until he got bored five minutes later. He then smacked Alpha in the face with the Penetrator just to wake him up.
“What the hell?” Alpha groggily said.
“Wakey-wakey, ya wanker!” Excite said happily. He held the Penetrator in front of Alphas face and looked at him with a sick smile on his face.
“Oh fuck not this again.” Alpha said who now was dressed, He had jeans on him that had a special trim that had lights in it. Same goes for his hoodie, on the sides of the hoodie was a special light that was glowing softly. On his back was a laptop that was strapped on in some way.
He also had his trusty Nocturne sword on his back and on his head he had a Astro A40 Gaming Headset Saints edition connected to his phone and he wore some aviator sunglasses with a purple trim.
“Put that thing away or you will feel my KA-1 Kobra wrath!” Alpha exclaimed as he stood up.
“Did you just say the whole word for two police pistols you use?” Excite asked clearly confused.
“The fuck should I know. I just said something.” Alpha replied a bit unamused “Well are we going for a drive or not? I want some hot dogs or burgers...”
“You? Eat burgers? Other than that fancy food of yours?” Excite asked a bit scared “Okay who are you, and what have you done with The Boss?”
“Well, I’m fucking hungry lets go.” Alpha said as he went down the stairs. Excite just stood there with a huge purple floppy dick bat in his hands. He looked at it for a while before chuckling at it and putting it away, in one of his pockets. How you ask? Better not ask questions you know you can’t get a answer for.
He then jumped down the stairs and face-planted on the marble floor down stairs. Thank god for that Fall damage upgrade 3 that reduced the fall damage by 75% cause if not he would have bought that a while go. He probably would have broken his nose have a half shattered skull and a heavy concussion with some extra heavy internal bleeding right now.
When he stood up he felt something loose in his mouth. He decided to spit and find out what it was. As he spat in to the air he saw that a tooth with a blood trail following it flew out of his mouth.
“Bah, didn’t need that tooth anyways.” Excite said as he turned around and saw Alpha waiting for the elevator.
“Would you hurry up? The ride in this elevator takes like forever. And you are making it slower!” Alpha said as he stood in the elevator waiting for Excite
“Alright, this will be just dandy! Hold on.” Excite said as he backed up a bit.
“What are you planing now?” Alpha said bored out of his mind and growing more hungry by the second.
“CHAAAARGE!” Excite yelled as he rushed right at the elevator and throwing himself inside and hitting the his head against the wall.
“Fucking nut job.” Alpha said as he pressed the garage button of the elevator. The door to the elevator then closed and it started it’s slow decent to the underground garage.
<X-X-X>
After a few minutes that felt like hours inside the elevator they finally arrived in the garage which ominously was empty.
“Well, what car do you suppose we should use?” Excite said. “How about your pimped out Knoxville?”
“Ah yes... My Knoxville that’s one pimped out golf car... Yeah, no that just wont do. Let us grab the Infuego.” Alpha said as the car materialized out of no where in front of them. They both ignored it since its been like this ever since they got to Steel port.
“So what is it with you and this Infuego?” Excite said as he gestured to the Infuego “It’s like you are married to it or something.”
“Hey, I like it cause it looks slick. Don’t judge me.” Alpha said defensively. “Oh and I’m riding shotgun.”
“What?” Excite said
“Since when do you ride shotgun? You always drive since YOU would never let ME DRIVE A GOD DAMN INCH WITH OUT COMPLAINING!” Excite yelled at Alpha who just looked at ExcitE with probably the biggest trollface in trollface history.
“You mad, mate?” Alpha mocked Excite with a fake British accent.
“Bloody hell just get in the car.” Excite said with a sigh as he got in the driver seat and Alpha got shotgun “Alright where to now?”
“Its like 10 in the morning or afternoon.... Lets get some flapjacks?” Alpha said as he was looking for the classical radio station but could not find it, so he inserted a mix tape instead.
“Whatever you say.” Excite said as they drove out of the underground garage. Once they were out on the road the drove around on the side walk hitting mailboxes, pedestrians and cops.
“And you told me you were sober.” Alpha said as he was looking up from his cellphone.
“You’ve got to have some fun when you are outside right?” Excite said with a chuckle as he kept running things over.
“Thank god I’ve bought the reinforced bumper other wise this car would have been dust long ago.” Alpha said to himself “Alright in the next intersection turn right.”
“Right? Okay.” Excite said as he immediately took a left in to a dark alleyway.
“WHAT THE FUCK!? I SAID RIGHT NOT LEFT YOU DUMB ASS!” Alpha yelled as they were driving into a dead end, and since Excite didn’t think clearly he also hit the nitro causing them to go faster
“I swear to god, If we die here or crash I will rip you limb from li-” Alpha said before he was interrupted by a bright purple flash. “What the hell?” They both said as they were blinded by it. Excite hit the breaks with all the human power he had, which in turn caused the car to stop. It took them a few seconds to regain eyesight but when they did they noticed a couple of odd things
The first thing they noticed was that they no longer were in Steelport, but on a dirt road somewhere.
Secondly this place seemed a bit too colorful, like it was some sort of cartoon.
And thirdly was when Alpha rolled down the window was that this place actually had some fresh air.
“Yeah, either we died and went to heaven. Or we time-traveled.” Alpha said looking at Excite
“Well... Lets find a town shall we? or should we slack of in this car?” Excite asked.
“Nah lets keep driving to um... Let’s see here. Where is the song? I know I have it here some where... Ah here it is.” Alpha said as he selected a good beat. They then started cursing down the dirt path.
<X-X-X>
After a good 30 minute cruise down this path listening to all sorts of music they finally laid their eyes on what seemed like a village from this far away. In fact it looked like a normal village from this far away.
“Is that a village?” Alpha said as he was leaning forward to get a better look.
“Bloody looks like it.” Excite said as he pulled over. “What should we do now, mate?”
“Well.... We drive there?” Alpha asked both himself and Excite.
“Right... Why didn’t I think of that?” Excite said as he started driving again.
“Its because I do all the thinking?” Alpha answered.
“Yep.... Now hold on, I’m tired of driving like a pussy” Excite said before increasing the speed of the car.
“Does it look like I give a damn?” Alpha said as he leaned back in his seat.
“Not really” Excite said as he turned the wheel to the left then directly to the right as they took a turn causing them to slide through it.
“Do you know how much I want to kill something right now?” Alpha asked Excite.
“BETTER STEP ON IT!” Excite yelled as he now were a bit scared of Alpha.
As they both were talking to each other they failed to notice that the blew past a orchard of a lot of …. Apples? Wait, that thing is like fucking huge. Who would grow that many Apples anyways? I mean it looks like its several mi- …. What was that? You want to hear about the guys in the car? You sure you don’t want to hear Applejack’s
“What in tarnation?!” when the car goes roaring by the orchard?
“Ah thought Ah herd something there.” She said as she looked over the fence.
Well too late.... For take backs now! Anyways, now that those guys were blasting past the orchard in 115 miles per hour.... And for all you people who use kilometers per hour its like roughly 185.07 kph.
They did not notice the orchard as they blew past it. In fact they were too busy driving towards the rapidly approaching village. Although it was approaching a little to fast, one might say that one second they saw the village from a few hundred meters away, but now they were close to impacting with a house.
“What the fuck are you doing?! TURN!” Alpha yelled to Excite.
“BUT THE STEERIN’ WHEEL IS LOCKED!” Excite yelled back. A few seconds later the car crashed right through the wall, smashing furniture, pictures and one unlucky sod who got in the way. The car got jabbed stuck in the wall, and had a lot of shit stuck under it.
“Terribly sorry about that.” Excite said as he got out of the car.
“You stupid fuck. Why did you go and do that?” Alpha asked annoyed with the fact that Excite had crashed his 1336th car.
“Not my fault, mate. Steerin’ wheel locked.” Excite explained he then walked over to the door completely ignoring the fact that there was a pony standing there with his mouth agape staring at him. Alpha did the same since he was not happy with his friend’s little fuck up.
Excite opened the door and took a few steps out and stopping before realizing that some one was staring at him.... or rather.... like twenty ponies..... When Excite saw that he looked over at Alpha who was just standing there with his mouth agape. Excite looked at his partner for a while before asking.
“Where the bloody hell did we end up?”