<EDIT> An absolutely hilarious dramatic reading of this story can be found here: [youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KkH47v_2LdE] Thanks to RazortheAwesome and Daedaltheus. Go subscribe to their channel, it's worth it. </EDIT>
After falling into a vat of toxic waste, our protagonist grows a penis! Swearing to use this new appendage for good, she proceeds to fuck the shit out of all the evildoers in ponyville.
Yes, this is a real fic. Yes, it's incredibly stupid. I could try to justify it by saying that it's mocking superhero stories and fictions with gratuitous sex scenes, but that's a stretch. Instead, I'll just say it's a stupid idea, horrible premise, and even worse writing. But hey, it's funny.
Idea was graciously given by (NAME RETRACTED).
Ok, that's not quite true. Basically, every one-liner in the fic was given to me by (NAME RETRACTED). I just wrote the framework around his/her random quotes.
It was a dark and stormy night. Walking down the street, coated in water and buffeted by the wind, was Anita Cocke. She walked in the abhorrent weather, mentally running through the checklist she used to help Pinkie Pie close down Sugarcube Corner.
Turn off the ovens? Check. Lock the doors? Check. Clean the frosting off the spatulas? Check. Clean Pinkie's spit from the spatulas after she 'cleaned' the spatulas? Check.
She was so preoccupied with making sure she didn't forget anything that she walked into a giant vat of toxic waste! The glowing green goo covered her entire body.
"Eew! EEW!" she screamed. She began running, globs of her own hair and flesh falling off and landing on the wet dirt with a soft PLOP. She ran full speed until she reached her door. The toxic waste had been washed off her pelt by the rain, but blood and holes in her skin marred her otherwise beautiful body. She dove into the bathroom and ripped open her medicine cabinet, pulling out bandages and antiseptic. She groaned in pain as she rubbed it all over her sore body. Everything hurt, but her wings were on an entirely different level of pain. After bandaging, she took some pain pills and curled up on the bathroom floor.
The next day came quickly. Anita awoke when a beam of sunlight entered her bathroom window and glinted on her face. She tried to stand up, but realized her blood had soaked through the bandages and dried on the floor, gluing her in her own filth. With a grunt, she peeled herself off the floor, scabs and tufts of hair deciding they liked the floor more than her. She began to unwrap the bandages between her legs and unveiled something startling. A giant penis! Anita screamed so loud, her window pane cracked.
"OH MY CELESTIA, WHAT IS THIS THING!?" she proclaimed as she ran out of the bathroom. She noticed abstractedly that her new genitalia was whacking her leg as she ran, and this, above all other things, caused her to stop. She stood quivering for a few moments before reaching a hoof to the fork in her legs. The penis was easily as long as she was tall. She felt an odd pleasure as her hoof rubbed the soft flesh. Her eyes widened, and she pushed her hoof farther down and found her vagina was still untouched. At least that part is fine, she thought. She rolled onto her back, using her wings as cushions to cover her sore frame. She began to rub her vagina, feelings of pleasure fighting back the pangs of pain. She closed her eyes and stuck her tongue out of her mouth and began to grunt softly. Her other hoof found the spongy tissue, and began to stroke it. The dick immediately began to engorge with blood. With both sex organs receiving pleasure, she completely forgot about the pain her body was in. The euphoria coursing through her body caused her to arch her back and splay her wings, flinging scabs in all directions. She came simultaneously from both organs, coating her belly in warm semen and her hoof in warm vaginal juices. Once the waves of pleasure left, the pain returned to fill the void. She walked back to the bathroom and began to clean herself.
She called in sick to work that day, and the next. The debilitating pain, she found, would only leave when she was otherwise occupied, be that sleeping or playing with her genitals. It was then she realized the only way to keep from going insane would be to keep herself in a state of constant pleasure. But how? On the second day, she realized. She could be a vigilante! One who used her penis to stop the rampant crime that's in ponyville. That night, she wrapped herself in black sheets, and prowled the desolate streets. It wasn't long before she heard a cry for help. With ease, she jumped into the air and flew over to the cries.
"Help! Oh somepony please help me!" cried an elderly mailmare. "He's trying to steal my mail, which is a federal offense!"
"Shut yer yap, lady" cried the burgler.
"Stop, sexy criminal! There's no escaping the long dick of the law!" cried Anita Cocke. The criminal, who was a zebra, froze and stared at the bedsheets-coated mare with a blue penis dangling from her crotch.
"Look, lady-man, this be an misunderstanding, ya hear? I wasn't tryin to rob 'er, I was 'elpin 'er cross da road."
"LIES!" shouted the mailmare.
"I been held down by the man for years, now it's my comeuppance," said the criminal zebra.
"Tired of being held down by the man? Prepare to be fucked by the man as well!" she proclaimed as she drove her penis into the zebra's asshole.
"HEY! WHATRE'YA DOIN!" he shouted.
She ignored him and began to thrust her penis deeper and deeper into his ass. The zebra collapsed, moaning in painful pleasure. Anita groaned as well, feeling the pain that had been overwhelming her abate. The mailmare stared in shock at the graphic sex scene appearing before her before running off and screaming. Anita didn't care, she was too busy making the criminal her bitch. She grunted and groaned, and finally moaned as her cock erupted, splattering the zebra's fecal-lined intestines with horse yogurt. He let out a cry when he felt her finish. Without missing a beat, she yanked her penis out of his butt and sat on his open mouth. She felt him squirm around, tongue thrashing wildly on her clitoris.
"I'll get up once you finish what you started, scum!"
He promptly began to work on her other sex organ, licking and slurping. Once she was finished, she stood up and tied down the zebra.
Once he was tied down, she said "You have the right to remain horny. Everyone you do can and will be held against you in an orgy of law. You have the right to a buttplug. If you cannot afford a buttplug, one will be appointed to you. Do you understand your rights?"
He nodded his consent. She walked off, headed for the police department.
"YOU DID WHAT!?" exclaimed the pony chief of police. Fuckmare explained what happened once more, watching as the chief of police's face went from white to red. "I'm going to lock you up! You're obviously insane and a menace to all of ponyville!" he told her. Anita was thrown unceremoniously into a jail cell of criminal ponies. Anita realized it was a test of her willpower, so she promptly found the largest pony in the jail cell and thrust her penis into his mouth.
"EEENope" was what he said as he spit the schlong out.
"Take it, you slut!" she shouted, ramming her penis against his closed mouth and shattering his teeth. The broken nubs grated on her foreskin, but she didn't care. Deeper and deeper she went into his throat, until he choked on her dick and died. The other prisoners backed off, keeping their butts to the wall. Anita took this distraction and shoved her long penis into the dead horse's anus. The guards arrived to find her balls deep in Big Mac.
They muttered to themselves, and then unlocked the jail door. "Fuckmare, please come with us." Anita removed her dick and wiped it on other mares in the cell before following them. She followed them into a jury house, where she was put on trial. The defense was quick. The zebra shook and cried as he was carried to the stand.
"Can you show me on this doll where the mare touched you?" asked the lawyer pony.
"Here, here, here, and here."
"I rest my case, your honmare." The lawyer pony sat on a bench, smiling at a job well done. Anita's lawyer pony went up to the bench, before repeating the questions to the zebra.
"Can you show me on this doll where the man touched you?" he repeated.
"Here, here, here, and here."
"Let the record show that this indicates my client was doing her civic duty." said the lawyer.
"All right," said the Judge. "It's clear that Anita is the best crime fighter we have ever seen, as this zebra is the largest mail fraud zebra in all of Equestria and possibly the world. I order her to work for the police force!"
Anita walked out of the court, head held high.
"Any statements as to what just happened in there?" asked a reporter pony.
"Yes," replied Anita Cocke. "The world is sick, and my dick is the cure."
She's the superhero who doesn't leave a mark - she leaves a stain.
After that interview, Fuckmare was pushed into a policecart and they raced to the scene of a crime. When they arrived, she began masturbating to clear her mind of pain.
"Look who came to the scene of the crime. It's Fuckman. Someone get a mop, clean up that jizz. You're a sick bastard, Fuckman," said the detective.
She ignored him and looked at the brutal pony murder in front of her.
"Looks like the victim died of a prolapsed anus," said the scientist at the scene.
"I see my long-time nemesis has reared her head again... Buttwoman!" exclaimed Fuckmare.
"I've never heard of this buttwoman," replied the detective.
"She runs around, prolapsing the anuses of her prey. It's pretty brutal."
"As brutal as raping the teeth out of Big Mac? Don't think we don't know what you did to that stallion in the cell, Fuckmare."
She stayed silent and investigated the scene of the crime. It wasn't long before she stumbled upon something.
"Oh no, it's my weaknes! Pimptonite!" At that moment, her head exploded in pain and she blacked out. She revived as they were carrying her to the ambulance to take her to the pony hospital. "To the dildomobile!" she said before they injected her with sedatives and she lost consciousness again.
After the hospital, Fuckmare was taken to the local school to educate the children on proper sex practices. Miss Cheerilee stood at her desk to introduce their class guest.
"Ok, everypony. We have a special guest to speak to you today and, erm, help me out after class... Fuckmare!"
Anita smiled. "Oh, I'll help you out after class, Miss Cheerilee!"
The class laughed and Cheerilee sat down at her desk. She slid open the drawer to reveal a bottle of Applejack's Daniels. Without hesitation, she popped the bottle in her mouth and started chugging.
"Hello my little ponies," Fuckmare said. "I heartily supports public libraries and teaching kids to read. My favorite children's book is Horton Humps a Whore." Anita began to read the book to the children, who stayed silent and ate glue. When the story was finished, Cheerille stopped taking slugs of whiskey and closed her eyes. Anita set down the book and pulled up a second one.
"This story is called Green eggs and Sausage and is about proper penile hygiene!" she said excitedly. The children didn't bother to feint interest. After the story was finished, Fuckmare stood up.
"Remember, my little ponies. Ask not what your cunt can do for you; ask what you can do for your cunt."
Without a fanfare, Fuckmare walked out of the schoolhouse and ditched her police companions by flying away. Each pump of her wings reminded her of how much pain she was in, but before long she had found her target. She flared her wings before landing next to the zebra criminal she had raped the night before.
"And how are you this fine day?"
"Luna damn it, you scared me to hell! Wait, it's you, you crazy bitch! Stay away! You raped me so hard, now whenever I take a step my asshole whistles!" shouted criminal zebra.
Saddened that her first catch hated her, she flew off without a word. It wasn't long before the pain drove her to the ground and she walked around the streets, getting stares of attention everywhere she went. As she walked, she heard the telltale cries for help. Eager for a chance to forget her pain, she ran to the source, only to find a masked and mustached Pegasus standing in between two buildings.
"I am the great Pussywillow!" exclaimed Pussywillow. "I have come to kidnap your children, but it seems the superhero Fuckmare has come to stop me, but she will never be able to,! That is, if she wants to."
Pussywillow then ducked into the alley, yellow fur and pink mane leaving a flash. Grinning with anticipation, Anita began to walk to the alley when one of the citizen ponies stopped her.
"STOP, Fuckmare! Can't you see it's a trap?"
Fuckmare stopped, turned to the well-meaning citizen, then glanced at her love missile. "Well, so am I." On that note, she left the stunned pony and ran into the alley where she found Pussywillow cowering, vagina high in the air but face buried in the ground.
"Oh no, it seems you have found me! Whatever shall you do?"
In response, Fuckmare jumped into the air and landed cock-first into Pussywillow's extended snatch. With animal intensity, the meatstick was rammed repeatedly into the lovemuffin. It was love at its most animalistic. Grunts and moans echoed off the walls and created a harmony. When the orgasm came, Fuckmare ripped her dick out of the cunt and ejaculated all over Pussywillow's back.
"That's nice" said Pussywillow, whose mask fell off to reveal it was none other than sweet innocent Fluttershy!
"Who made you do this?" exclaimed Fuckmare.
"It was none other than your arch nemesis, Buttsomethingorother!"moaned Fluttershy in pleasure, her marehood covered in love mayonnaise.
"I shall catch that fiend as soon as I can!" said Fuckmare as she ran away from Fluttershy, who was unable to walk away because she was fucked so well.
Fuckmare ran into the deserted part of Ponyville and began looking for the abandoned warehouse of her arch nemesis Buttwoman. It didn't take Fuckmare long to discover the secret lair, it was pretty obvious. The walls of the warehouse were coated in graffiti. It was all pro- Fuckmare. Things like Fuckmare once visited the virgin islands. Now they're known only as the islands and Fuckmare lives in the Came-In islands was all over the walls. She knew she needed to be careful, so she crouched down and walked in the front door, her butt high in the air. She crawled around, looking for her arch nemesis so they could have a battle. When she heard the whistle, it was too late.
Buttwoman's dick entered Anita's asshole. The pain was incredible and knocked her to her knees. Each thrust brought with it new pain and torture. But Anita remembered something she learned in maths: two negatives make a positive. So the negative pain she felt from the toxic waste minus the pain she felt from being raped cancelled out and she realized it felt great! At this realization, she tightened her anus to give more pleasure to her assailant. Eventually, he was all tuckered out from all the anal fucking and fell over panting. Fuckmare turned and saw that it was none other than criminal zebra!
"Rape you once, shame on me. Rape you twice, shame on you!" she shouted as she plunged her extra long horsedick into criminal zebra's butthole. It was so violent that she somehow killed criminal zebra buttually. As she walked out the front door, she saw the police captain at the door and he was very angry.
"Why must you rape everything, Fuckmare? And what is your secret identity?"
Fuckmare flew away, but her voice echoed down onto the denizens below. "Ok. Sleep tight and keep your butt clenched - you never know what evil may be lurking. Just remember though, you can always call on Fuckmare for help!"
