4 Wonderbolts play a familiar raunchy and offensive card game, hilarity ensues.
Spitfire invites Rainbow Dash along for a game night with Soarin and Fleetfoot. For this occasion, Dash decides to borrow a game from Starlight. It goes about as well as it sounds.
Heavily Inspired by the similar "Cards Against" stories by Universal Librarian, Dawn Flower, Door Matt, Mythril Moth, and possibly others I am not yet aware of. This is a strange "subgenre" on Fimfiction that I wanted to throw my hat into, and why not do it with our favorite performing flyers?
Rainbow Dash opened up her locker in the Wonderbolt Locker room. Her flight suit, folded up neatly under wing, was placed inside before she grabbed her duffle bag and placed a few of her essential items in it, like her wing balm and such. She had just finished another long day of training with the Wonderbolts, and found herself smiling proudly at how much she had improved since her, let's just say "rocky" start to her career as a Wonderbolt.
She had come for routine training for the past few months, and had shown everypony on the team that she was capable of everything she bragged about. Spitfire even showed that she was impressed on a few occasions. She had also grown closer with a few of the other more experienced Wonderbolts as well.
Fleetfoot, one of the fastest on the team, was almost just like her. Confident, a braggart, a tad egotistical (not that she'd every tell you that), and of course, sassy.
There was also Soarin, the second-in-command, and also one of the strongest in terms of wing-power on the team. He was a bit of a goofball, a messy eater, and sometimes a bit "dense", but he was endearing.
Dash might even say she liked him in.....other ways.
Dash shook her head as he thoughts caused her to blush. She finally packed everything into her duffle bag and began heading for the exit. After stepping into the hallway, she ran into Spitfire.
"Hey Crash! Ready for a little weekend break." Spitfire said playfully, referring to Dash by her nickname she earned on her first official day on the force. Like said before, it was "rocky".
"You bet! This week has been rough!" Dash exclaimed. They had just completed their week long training for an upcoming tour, and now were getting the weekend off to relax before embarking on it.
"What are your plans now Dash? Gonna go and party it up someplace before the tour?" Spitfire asked as they reached the front entrance to the building. Dash shrugged.
"Maybe. I might just go and check on my friends, have some cider if Applejack can spare any, that kind of thing." Dash responded. Spitfire raised an eyebrow and stopped walking, making Dash stop to look at her.
"So, you have no real plans then?" Spitfire asked. Dash took note of the eyebrow raise, and cautiously answered.
"No, I guess not, why?" She asked. Spitfire let out a little giggle and stepped closer.
"Well, tonight, Soarin and Fleetfoot are meeting at my place for a little game night. Maybe you'd like to join. We'll drink some booze, chat, and have some fun." Spitfire described. Dash took a moment to think about the offer. Her and some of her teammates meeting after dark, in Spitfire's home, to "play some games."
"Uh, sure, I'll come, do I need to bring anything?" Dash asked. Spitfire put her hoof to her chin for a moment before smirking.
"Here, if you can bring us a game to play, then I will go and get some alcoholic cider for us to drink tonight, the good shit, how about that?" Spitfire posed. Dash nodded her head with a smile. Spitfire then hovered into the air.
"Come by around 9. See you tonight there Dash!" Spitfire said before taking off. Dash felt excitement rising in her as she stood there.
"omygoshomygoshomygosh!" Dash said happily, a chance to hang out with her idols outside of practice, she hadn't really done that before, and she had only been a proper Wonderbolt for a few months at this point. So any chance to hang out with them was definitely worth getting excited for.
But, there was one tiny problem... one that hit Dash and made her freeze.
"I don't know what game to bring." She said out loud. She had a few at her house, but none that were real stand-out, none that she saw as leading to any real fun, especially not Monopony, she wanted to have a fun time, not make the others hate her.
She then got an idea, to ask a pony who surely must have some kind of strange or interesting game to play.
"Starlight." Dash whispered before taking off into the sky towards Ponyville.
"aaaaaaahhhhhhhh" Starlight let out a long, drawn out sigh as she walked into her bedroom at Twilight's castle and flopped down on her bed.
It had been a long day for her, a day full of magic and friendship learning with Twilight, so after a nice long shower, Starlight was ready to pass out for the night, and possibly for the next day as well, or at least until something interrupted her serene peace.
And that something flew into her room through the window...
There was a woosh as something came through the open window at incredible speeds, causing the bed covers, the drapes, and papers to fly around.
"Wahhhhhh!" Starlight yelped and fell off the bed as the mysterious force landed on her bedroom floor with a loud landing.
"Oah." Starlight groaned as she picked herself off the floor and looked over her bed. She saw Rainbow Dash standing in the center in a landing stance.
"Hey, Dash, why don't you just knock like a normal pony." Starlight mumbled as she stood up on her hooves. Rainbow turned to face her with an embarrassed look.
"Hey Starlight! I'm so sorry, I was just in such a hurry because Spitfire invited me to this thing after practice with Soarin and Fleetfoot at 9, and I need to bring a game so I thought that I'd ask you if you had anything interesting for it." Dash explained in an extremely fast paced way that Starlight nearly didn't understand.
"Um, okay, I think I have some games that you could borrow." Starlight said as she turned to rummage around in her closet. "Do you want a board game or a card game?" Starlight asked as she dug through the closet.
"Oh....uh....a card game, I guess?" Dash answered without really thinking. Starlight pulled out a white box first.
"Drunk Trivia?" Starlight asked. On the box was a picture of two ponies, one was clearly drunk, and the other was holding a card containing some trivia about what Princess Celestia's "other" addiction was besides cake. Dash shook her head.
"Nah, We'll be drinking, but I kinda want a game that doesn't require any egghead stuff." Dash answered. Starlight nodded and put the box back before taking out another box.
"Uno?" Starlight asked, holding the small, multicolored box. Dash took a moment to think before shaking her head again.
"I want something that can be like, a bonding experience, that can also be funny and good to play while drunk." Dash described. Starlight thought for a moment, before suddenly curling her lips into a sinister smile like she was imitating a certain Holiday Hating cartoon character. Dash was caught off guard by the face.
"Um, why the face?" Dash asked. Starlight chuckled before looking back into the closet.
"I have the perfect game for you." Starlight said before pulling out another box. This one was black with white text on it. The simplicity was striking, and Dash took it in her hooves and read the title out loud.
"Card's Against Equestrians, the Party Game for Horrible Ponies." Dash read it, a hint of confusion in her voice. Starlight simply grinned at her.
"It'll be the perfect choice for tonight." Starlight assured her. Dash was hesitant though.
"I don't know Starlight. I don't think they'll like it if I bring this over. They'll think I consider them "horrible ponies." Dash said. Starlight shook her head and pointed at the box.
"This is perfect to play with friends. It's just a bunch of jokes, it's not serious! I played this once with Sunburst, Trixie, and Maud, you'll have a blast I promise!" Starlight reassured her. Dash took one more look at the box before nodding and looking back at Starlight.
"Thanks Starlight." She said with a smile. The unicorn smiled back at her and patted her on the shoulder.
"No problem, but I think you better get going." Starlight said, pointing to the clock, which was nearing 9pm.
"Oh Horsefeathers...." Dash said as she spread her wings and got ready to take off. "Thanks again!" She shouted before taking off into the sky from the window.
Starlight was left alone in her bedroom, laughing to herself.
"She's in for a LONG night....."
Dash touched down back in Cloudsdale, in a higher class neighborhood, not far from where her parents lived actually, but she didn't have time for them tonight. She looked back down at the game in her hooves and took a deep breath.
"I hope this works." Dash muttered to herself before approaching on the houses. It was a larger property, one definitely befitting somepony of Spitfire's reputation as the captain of the Wonderbolts. She saw that the lights were on and she could hear music being played faintly from inside.
She began to walk up to the pathway that led to the front door when she heard a familiar voice.
"Dash?"
She jumped and spun, seeing Soarin standing just a few yards away on the sidewalk. He was casually out of uniform and was holding a plate with plastic wrapping over what appeared to be a pie. Dash took a second to recover from the shock of suddenly seeing him and smiled.
"Hey Soarin, how are you tonight?" She asked, casually trying to talk to him. He smiled as stepped closer to the pathway Dash was on.
"I'm fine. I'm here for Spitfire's little game night. What are you doing here?" He asked. Dash motioned to the game tucked under her wing.
"Spitfire invited me after we were done with practice. I brought a game for us to play." Dash explained. Soarin nodded and awkwardly walked up next to her, looking at the game.
"Card's Against Equestrians? Never heard of that one. What is it?" Soarin asked. Dash let out a puff of air before shrugging.
"I just got it from Starlight so...I don't really know. It's a card game." Dash said. Soarin smirked.
"For horrible ponies? Are you trying to say something to us Dash?" Soarin asked playfully, nudging her. Dash chuckled as he did, and the two looked at eachother.
For a moment, there was a little silence between them, like they both wanted to speak, but neither had anything more to say.
Before more could be exchanged, the door in front of them suddenly opened and Fleetfoot stepped onto the porch.
"Oh my gosh! The lovebirds are here!" Fleetfoot cheered a little too loudly for Soarin and Rainbow Dash. Both of them blushed and stepped away from eachother. Spitfire appeared next to Fleetfoot.
"Nice of you guys to finally show up! Come on, let's get started." Spitfire said, motioning for them to follow. Soarin and Rainbow Dash wordlessly followed Spitfire in, with Fleetfoot giving them both winks and suggestive looks as they passed her, making them blush even more.
Once they were all inside, Rainbow Dash placed the box on Spitfire's dining table and grabbed a bottle of cider from her as well. Spitfire and Fleetfoot both read the box, Spitfire let out a simple laugh, while Fleetfoot began giggling.
"Oooh, I like the look of this game! Is this one of those games that don't give a shit?!" Fleetfoot asked.
"Probably." Spitfire said before she opened the box, revealing a white booklet, and below that, a series of white and black colored cards. "I'm intrigued by this already Dash, nice job." Spitfire complimented. Dash nodded.
"Thank you." She responded. Fleetfoot let out another chuckle.
"Though, that tagline makes me suspicious. Am I really a horrible pony Dash?" Fleetfoot asked in a whisper-like voice. Dash chuckled.
"Sorry Fleet, Soarin beat ya to it with that joke." Dash said as she took a seat at the table. Fleetfoot frowned at Soarin.
"Oh you dick." Fleet said with mock anger. Spitfire took the booklet out and flipped it open to read the rules.
"So here's how we play, To start the game, each player draws ten white cards." Spitfire began, but then her face contorted into a confused scowl before reading the next part, "The pony who most recently pooped begins as the card princess and plays a black card..." She read, giving slightly disgusted glances to the others.
"Geez Dash, where'd you find this? In Luna's dungeon?" Fleetfoot asked.
"No, my friend Starlight gave it to me." Dash answered. Fleetfoot chuckled again.
"Ah yes, the former cult leader who brainwashed ponies into giving up their cutie marks, I would have expected nothing less from her." Fleetfoot said jokingly, but still earned a look of disapproval from both Dash and Soarin. Spitfire kept reading.
"The card princess reads the question or fill-in-the-blank phrase on the black card out loud. Everypony else answers the question or fills in the blank by passing one white card, face down, to the card princess. The card princess then shuffles the answers and shares each card combination with the group. For full effect, the card princess should re-read all or part of the black card before presenting each answer. The card princess then picks the funniest play, and whoever submitted it gets one awesome point. After the round, a new player becomes the card princess, and everypony draws back up to ten cards." Spitfire explained. The others all nodded to eachother, understanding the rules.
"Is there a score limit? Or time limit?" Soarin asked. Spitfire looked through the rest of the rules and shook her head.
"No, there are different ways to play, but I think the best is to play ten rounds. When all four of us have been the card princess, that'll count as 1 round. After we finish the tenth, whoever has the most awesome points wins." Spitfire decided. The others all nodded in a agreement.
"Yeah, and that winner is gonna be me!" Dash said confidently, "If anypony here deserves the most awesome points, the the most awesome pony here!" Dash bragged. Fleetfoot laughed.
"Oh, don't be so confident Dash, I am the most raunchy and vulgar here." Fleetfoot challenged, taking another long swig of her cider, "So bring it on." Both mares narrowed their eyes at eachother.
"Alright, enough intimidating, let's play." Soarin suggested. The two then sat back down, and Spitfire began dealing out the cards.
Spitfire made several decks of white cards to keep them all organized and shuffled each before dealing them out one by one to each of the participants, including herself. None of them touched their cards until Spitfire was done dealing. But before they could commence, Fleetfoot spoke up.
"Are we gonna do any like "punishments for whoever has the least points?" Fleet asked. Spitfire let out a laugh and nodded.
"Sure, loser has to drink a shot glass of ghost pepper hot sauce." Spitfire ruled. Soarin's eyes widened.
"You have ghost pepper sauce?" Soarin asked, a bit of worry in his tone. Dash smirked at his anxious state.
"What's the matter Soarin, can't take the heat?" She said jokingly. Soarin rubbed the back of his head.
"I just.....don't like spicy or hot stuff too much." Soarin said sheepishly. Fleetfoot let out a snort.
"Translation: I will shrivel up into dust when I lose and have to drink the sauce." Fleetfoot said with a rascally grin. The others all shared a laugh at Soarin's expense.
"Okay, let's just get on with this then." Soarin said as he picked up his deck of cards and began to read them, prompting the others to do the same.
The expressions that bloomed on the faces of the participants ranged from cautious intrigue, to looks of horror, to blatant confusion of what they were reading.
"Ooooh, I think I'll like this game." Fleetfoot said as she flipped through her cards. Spitfire let out a short chortle as she read a few of her cards.
"Nicely done Dash, I think you found a good one." Spitfire complimented. Dash was too distracted by reading her own cards to properly respond. After looking at all of her dirty, offensive, and obscene cards, she looked over at Soarin and held in a chuckle upon seeing his expression.
Soarin's mouth was wide open, and his pupils the size of pinpoints. He eventually looked over to Dash and finally closed his mouth to speak again.
"This.....this is messed up. I'm gonna have to bleach my eyes after tonight, aren't I?" Soarin said with a hint of shock in his tone. Spitfire chuckled.
"Welp, that's as good a sign as any to begin, why don't you start Dash?" Spitfire offered. Dash nodded and took a black card from the deck in the center of the table. The game was going clockwise, so after Dash was done, it would go to Spitfire, then Fleetfoot, and then lastly Soarin before the round would finish. Dash cleared her throat before going to read the first card, and it was a doozy...
Dash's face contorted as she tried to hold in a laugh. She glanced at the others all around the table, all of whom were leaning forward on the table, waiting.
"Well, go on Dash! Read!" Fleetfoot said with vigor as she slammed her drink on the table. Dash hesitated a little more.
"C'mon Dash, it can't possibly be that bad." Spitfire encouraged. Dash shook her head.
"No, it's much worse." Dash said, her eyes wide.
"Just read it, Dash." Soarin nudged. Dash rolled her eyes and sighed.
"How am I compensating for my tiny penis?" Dash said with a deadpan expression and voice. Soarin leaned back with a shocked expression, Spitfire simply let out a sharp exhale, and Fleetfoot spit out her cider before bursting into laughter.
"Hahahahaha! Are you hiding something Dashie? I didn't know you had one!" Fleetfoot said giddily. Soarin and Spitfire gave eachother annoyed glances before looking through their cards.
"Let's just get on with it, we've wasted enough time." Spitfire said as she looked through her hand. She eventually landed on one that made her crack a smile and placed it in front of Dash, face down on the table.
Fleetfoot let out many giggles before eventually finding a card and throwing it in front of Dash.
"Mine is so bad." Fleetfoot said meekly as she hid her face behind her cards.
Soarin was still looking at his cards, flipping through each with a slightly horrified expression.
"Geez Soarin, did you get the rape cards?" Fleetfoot asked. Soarin gave her a look that simply screamed "The fuck is wrong with you"
"Come on Soarin, just give me a card, I don't care how bad it is, let's just keep going." Dash said, hoping to calm him down. Soarin eventually let out a sigh before just throwing a random card at her.
"You sure you picked the right one Clipper?" Fleetfoot teased. Soarin gave her another glare.
"No." He simply responded. Dash rolled her eyes as she shuffled the three response cards. Eventually finishing the shuffle and giving the others another few glances.
"You guys better make me laugh with this." Dash said as she took note of their expressions. Soarin looked slightly worried (and a little ill), Fleetfoot was holding in giggles, and Spitfire simply sipped her cider with a smile. Dash turned over the first card and read it.
"How am I compensating for my tiny Penis?...... An Ugly Face?" Dash read with a slightly surprised tone, looking at the others with a frown. "Who played this?!" Dash said angrily.
"You can't find out until you pick the winner, so keep reading." Spitfire said as she shook her head. Dash simply leaned back and continued.
"Next......Depression." Dash said with a flat look. Soarin shook his head. "That's just sad." Dash nodded in agreement before flipping the final card.
"A.....Micropenis?" Dash said with a beyond confused expression. The others sharing her reaction.
"So, you're compensating for you small wang, with ANOTHER small wang?" Fleetfoot asked. The others laughed in response before Dash finally decided the winner.
"I think I'll go with the Micropenis!" Dash called out. Fleetfoot and Spitfire both remained quiet and exchanged looks. Soarin's eyes widened as he realized he won.
"Oh, well, I guess that's a point for me then?" Soarin said with a smirk. Fleetfoot slammed her hoof on the table.
"Are you serious? How?" She shouted before taking another swig of cider. Spitfire then reached over and took away Fleetfoot's bottle.
"I think that's enough for now Fleet. Now give him his point Dash so I can have a turn." Spitfire said. Dash gave the black card to Soarin, signifying that he now had one point. Spitfire also grabbed a black card from the deck and began to read.
"Forget Everything you know about Blank, because now we've supercharged it with Blank!" Spitfire read dramatically.
"So, we play two cards this time?" Soarin asked. Spitfire nodded.
"Yeah, place the first card you want to be read on the bottom when you give it to me." Spitfire clarified. The others nodded and began selecting their cards.
Fleetfoot was the first to put her cards on the table, followed by Dash, with Soarin once again hesitating. Spitfire groaned at his inaction.
"Soarin, it's fine, we're all friends here, so you don't need to be so....cautious." Spitfire assured him. Fleetfoot smirked at him.
"Or, are you afraid of offending Dashie?" Fleetfoot teased. Soarin's cheeks turned crimson and he glanced at Dash, who simply rolled her eyes and gave him a warm smile.
"Just play it Soarin, it's okay." Dash said. Soarin finally selected his cards and placed them in front of Spitfire. Spitfire tried her best to shuffle them without separating the pairs. After shuffling, she cleared her throat and began reading.
"Forget everything you know about...A windmill full of pony corpses......" She began, slightly disturbed by the card, but quickly continued, "....because now we've supercharged it with .....Pedophiles." Spitfire said with a flat expression. The others shared laughter at the VERY dark set of cards. Spitfire continued.
"Forget everything you know about.....Foal Beauty Pageants....because now we've supercharged it with.....my balls on your face..." Spitfire read, barely able to get through the second card before laughing.
"Is that they do it now?" Fleetfoot asked with another drunk giggle. Dash shook her head.
"Don't read to much into it, and keep reading Spitfire." Dash said. Spitfire nodded and read the last pair.
"Forget everything you know about....Reverse Cowfilly, because now we've supercharged it with....The Screams, the Terrible Screams." Spitfire finished with a laugh. The other three also burst into laughter.
"Is that what happens when you have sex, Soarin?" Fleetfoot asked in a joking way. Soarin gave Fleetfoot an annoyed look. Fleetfoot giggled more before making a few thrust motions and screaming like she was getting murdered. Spitfire placed a hoof on her shoulder and signaled for her to stop.
"Keep it down Fleet, we don't want the neighbors to suspect anything." Spitfire told her. Fleetfoot simply laughed again.
"Yeah, cause if they did hear, they'd just expect an orgy!" Fleetfoot laughed again. Soarin and Dash simply rolled her eyes after exchanging a glance at Fleetfoot's drunk antics.
"Who won Spit?" Soarin asked. Spitfire tapped her chin as she re-read her options, and tapped the winning pair.
"Foal Pageants with Balls!" Spitfire called out. Fleetfoot immediately raised her hoof and took the black card as her winning.
"You're up Fleet." Dash said. Fleetfoot nodded and grabbed another black card to read it.
"You've Seen the bearded mare! You've seen the ring of fire! Now, Fillies and Gentlecolts, feast your eyes upon BLLLLLank!" Fleetfoot read the card as dramatically as possible.
The other three knew the routine, and quickly gave her the cards this time, making Fleetfoot act surprised.
"Confident now?" Fleetfoot asked them, especially to Soarin in particular.
"Just read the cards Fleet." Soarin said. Fleet rolled her eyes and did just that.
"Feast your eyes upon....A Tiny Pony?" Fleetfoot said with confusion, "That's....lame." she said with disapproval. She quickly moved on before she could notice Dash making an angry face.
"Feast your eyes upon...the pffffffFFFFFFFF!" Fleetfoot began, but quickly let out a wheeze as she read the rest. The others all laughed at her reaction.
"Come on Fleet, you can do it!" Dash cheered her on as Fleet's face turned red due to her laughing. She eventually got ahold of herself enough to continue reading.
"The...the p-primal ball-slap-ping sex your, mmm, parents are having RIGHT NOW! HAHAHAHAHA!" Fleetfoot burst into further laughter after barely getting through that card. The others all joined in her laughter.
"Okay, that, that was a good one." Soarin said as he failed to contain the massive grin on his face. Dash had her face buried in her hooves on the tables as she trembled due to her laughter, and Spitfire had a hoof on her face as her head was leaned back.
Eventually, Fleetfoot regained her composure enough to continue to the last card.
"And lastly, feast your eyes upon....our first Chimpanzee Princess?" Fleetfoot said in confusion. Soarin was the only one to release a harsh sputter from trying to contain his laugh.
"All I can imagine is a chimp with Celestia's flowing mane." He said with a chuckle. Dash caught on and laughed with him.
"Alright, who wins Fleet?" Spitfire asked. Fleetfoot simply laughed again before lifting up the card that made all of them hysterical.
"I'll take that point." Spitfire said as she grabbed the black card. Fleetfoot rolled her eyes and looked up at Soarin, motioning to the black card pile.
"You're turn, princess." Fleetfoot teased. Soarin rolled his eyes and picked up a black card to read it.
"Blank, good to the last drop. Short and simple, show me what ya got." Soarin said as he looked at the three mares, all of whom started looking for the perfect cards to finish the first round.
Spitfire and Fleetfoot both quickly picked their cards, with Dash taking a little longer. Eventually, all three had submitted their cards, and Soarin shuffled them before getting ready to read them. He gave each of the others a glance before flipping over the first one.
"Saying "I love you", good to the last drop." Soarin read, cautiously eyeing the others. He took note of Dash's little grin.
"Aw, that's adowable!" Fleetfoot gave him another teasing quip. Soarin continued.
"Letting Everypony Down, Good to the last drop." Soarin let out a chuckle as he read it.
"Perfect! Sounds just like you sometimes Soarin!" Fleetfoot said in a sarcastically happy tone.
"Oh snap!" Spitfire responded with a laugh. Soarin glared at the two of them before finishing with the last card.
"P-pulling out, good to the last drop." Soarin snorted midway through reading it, and everyone else laughed up a storm.
"Oh yeah, you savor it don't you!" Fleetfoot said mockingly. Dash put a hoof up.
"Okay Fleet, geez, try not to gross us out too much." Dash said. Soarin laughed as he weighed in his options.
"I gotta go with Saying "I Love You"." Soarin selected. Dash then pumped her hoof into the air.
"Yes!" She cheered before taking the black card. Soarin looked at Dash with a red tint to his cheeks.
"That was your card?" Soarin asked. Dash looked back at him as a blush appeared on her cheeks as well.
"Uh, yeah, I guess." She responded awkwardly. Fleetfoot then snapped them out of it.
"AWWWW! You two are SO CUTE!" Fleetfoot said in a very happy voice. Spitfire waved a hoof to get everypony back on track.
"Okay Okay, that was the first round, and somehow we are ALL TIED!" Spitfire said in shock. They all had one point each. Dash sighed.
Rainbow Dash picked up her bottle of cider before knocking back another swig of the delicious apple tasting drink. She felt the liquid wash down her throat before finishing the drink and placing it back on the table. She also let out a slightly embarrassing belch after putting it down. This caused one of the other participants to start clapping their hooves together.
"Very impressive Dash, you might even reach my level one day." Fleetfoot said with a hint of smugness before chugging the rest of her bottle and letting out a belch even longer and louder than Dash's. She slammed down her bottle and gave the others a smirk.
"I'm impressed and grossed out at the same time." Soarin deadpanned. Spitfire let out a chuckle.
"Okay, okay, let's just get on with the next round, you're up, Dash." Spitfire pointed to the black deck. Dash nodded and took the card at the top of the deck before reading it.
"Having Problems with Blank? Try BLANK!" Dash read in a grandiose tone of voice. The others quickly began to look through their cards for any good combinations. Spitfire was the first to place her cards on the table, but the other two looked like they were struggling a little.
"Any problems you two?" Dash asked them. Soarin simply nodded with a serious look on his face, while Fleetfoot looked agitated.
"My cards suck!" Fleetfoot slurred out. Soarin simply shrugged and placed two cards in front of Dash. Fleetfoot was still looking through hers.
"Come on, Fleet, just play something!" Spitfire urged. Fleet let out an annoyed groan before putting her cards in.
"I'm so losing." She muttered as Dash shuffled them. Once she was done, she began to read.
"Having problems with Your Weird Brother? Try 5000 Volts Straight to the Nipples!" Dash read out, failing to release a few laughs. The others followed suit, laughing rather hard at the card combination.
"Didn't you pretty much already do that to that one weird green Pegasus dude you brought to the compound one time? What was his name again?" Spitfire asked. Dash chuckled remembering.
"That was Zephyr Breeze, Fluttershy's brother. And while I didn't deliver the shock directly to his nipples, I did shock him quite a bit." Dash explained. Fleetfoot snorted.
"Judging by how you explained it, I'm guessing you enjoyed doing it?" Fleetfoot asked with a grin. Dash nodded.
"Oh definitely, that guy is a DOUCHE!" Dash hollered. The rest all shared in a laugh before Dash continued.
"Having problems with Blood Farts? Try Hoofing!" Dash read, going from grandiose to slightly disgusted as she finished the second card.
"It's a sex move, when you stick as much of your hoof into somepony's ass or vagina as you can." Fleetfoot answered almost casually. The others just stared wide eyed at her.
"A-and, you know this how?" Soarin shakily asked. Fleetfoot let out a snicker.
"Well Soarin, if you're really that interested maybe we can meet up later and I'll show you." Fleetfoot said suggestively. Dash gagged slightly and Spitfire rolled her eyes with a disgusted look. Soarin looked mortified.
"Uh, yeah, I'm good." He said, as if holding in vomit. "Please keep going Dash." He pleaded. Dash wasted no time in reading the last pair of cards.
"Having Problems with Being on Fire? Try However much Weed 20 bits can buy!" Dash read. Spitfire laughed quite a bit with that one.
"Oh, so that's how Wave Chill spends his weekends!" Spitfire laughed through snickers.
"He's a stoner?" Dash asked. The others all nodded in agreement.
"And he's also a daredevil. The two traits don't mix gracefully, I'll tell you that." Soarin explained. Dash laughed before looking over the cards again and pointed to the winning pair.
"Zephyr Breeze's electrocuted nipples." Dash called. Spitfire nodded with satisfaction before taking the black card. Fleetfoot scoffed.
"I knew it!" She said before cracking open another bottle of cider. Spitfire ignored Fleetfoot's comment and grabbed a black card to start her turn.
"For Nightmare Night, I am Blank." Spitfire read off of the card. Fleetfoot put hers down almost instantly.
"Yeah, I'm back in with a good one! Especially for you Spitty!" Fleetfoot teased. Spitfire ignored her as Dash and Soarin put their cards in as well. Eventually, Spitfire had all of them, so she shuffled the cards and began to read them out.
"For Nightmare Night, I am A pony with no legs." Spitfire read, her tone growing quiet as she finished.
"That's just sad." Soarin said. Fleetfoot giggled.
"Yeah, and that point your just a quadruple amputee asking for free candy!" She said, making Dash giggle with her. Spitfire rolled her eyes and kept reading.
"For Nightmare Night, I am....." She flipped the card over and stopped, her jaw dropped and she looked around the table, her face growing angry. Fleetfoot picked up on her impending anger and chuckling quietly.
"Go on Spitty! Read it." Fleetfoot urged with a smug grin.
"You're a bitch." Spitfire said before finishing the card, "....blowing some dudes in an alley." She read with a deadpan tone, with a hint of anger. Fleetfoot laughed out loud, while Dash and Soarin failed to contain their chuckles.
"You got that right....Swallow!" Fleetfoot teased. Spitfire immediately stood up.
"That was ONE TIME Fleet!" She shouted with anger. Soarin quickly stood up as well, placing a hoof on Spitfire's shoulder, signaling her to calm down.
"Woah Spits, calm yourself, it's just a joke, and you should've seen it coming tonight." Soarin explained. Spitfire sent a glare his way, making him flatten his brow. "Don't give me that look, you know I'm right." Soarin said. Spitfire scoffed before sitting back down.
"Fine." She said before breathing in and out to calm down. Then she returned to the cards.
"For Nightmare Night, I am Becoming a Blueberry." She read. Dash laughed.
"That sounds more like a curse than a Nightmare Night costume." She said. Fleetfoot nodded.
"Remember kids, make sure you follow all of the instructions before chewing a random stick of gum." Fleetfoot said with a giggle. The others shared in the giggles before Spitfire made her decision.
"The amputated pony. Not giving it to you Fleet!" Spitfire revealed. Dash took her black card as Fleetfoot turned to Spitfire.
"Really! Who's the bitch now!?" She shouted.
"Calm down Fleet, it's your turn!" Soarin shouted, trying to keep the two wingmates from tearing eachother apart. Fleetfoot and Spitfire exchanged glances, with Fleetfoot sticking her tongue out before grabbing her black card.
"The Class Field Trip was completely ruined by Blank!" Fleetfoot read from the card. Dash and Soarin both placed their cards in fairly quickly. Spitfire looked like she had one, but then hesitated for a second before putting in a card.
"Mine's not good." She muttered. Fleetfoot gave her a blank expression.
"Welcome to my game!" Fleetfoot said sarcastically before going to read the cards.
"The Class field trip was completely ruined by....Black Ponies?" Fleetfoot read in confusion. The others all shared in the confused looks.
"I...don't think I get that one." Soarin said.
"Is it like......saying that ponies with black coats ruin things or are dangerous somehow?" Dash suggested. Spitfire shook her head.
"I don't know why. A pony is a pony, or a creature is a creature, no matter the color of their coat." Spitfire said. Fleetfoot nodded and giggled.
"Can you guys imagine if there was a world out there where citizens were judged by something as ridiculous their color?" Fleetfoot asked.
"Pfffft, that just sound ridiculous Fleet. Keep reading." Soarin urged. Fleetfoot simply shrugged and kept reading.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by.........a Saddle Arabian Warlord." Fleetfoot read, chuckling a bit. Soarin nodded.
"Yeah, that would definitely ruin a field trip." He agreed. The others all chuckled a little before Fleetfoot read the final card.
The Class Field Trip was Completely ruined by......8 oz, of Sweet South Equestrian Black Tar Heroin." Fleetfoot tried to read, but barely got out of it before collapsing on the table with laughter. Laughter that was shared with the others.
"It's just like our flight school's trip, remember Soarin?" Spitfire asked. He looked at her and rubbed the back of his head with an embarrassed look.
"Yeah, note to you guys, never eat anything you randomly find in the forest." Soarin said. Dash lifted an eyebrow.
"What did you "eat" exactly?" Dash asked. Spitfire chuckled.
"He ate a mushroom. It was one of those "magic" ones. He started screaming about the sky burning and cried for 4 hours afterwards, mumbling about stuff he was hallucinating." Spitfire explained. Soarin hid his face in his hooves. Dash giggled.
"That sounds adorable, I wish I could've seen it." Dash said. Soarin kept his face in his hooves, though now it was mainly to hide the blush...
"Anyway..." Fleetfoot spoke up, "....the winner is..........The Heroin!" Fleetfoot announced. Soarin finally lifted his face from his hooves and took the card.
"Congrats, and it is also your turn, Princess Soarin." Fleetfoot said teasingly. Soarin rolled his eyes.
"I really hope we don't make that a thing." Soarin said. Spitfire chuckled.
"I can just imagine you becoming an Alicorn, that would be the craziest thing!" Spitfire said before taking swig of her barely touched cider. Dash laughed.
"Yeah, like, imagine if you got magic, and you had this fake horn to use it, and then later you become an ACTUAL Alicorn somehow! How crazy would that be?" Dash said before taking a swig of her own.
"That sounds like a story worthy of......7 years of development I'd say!" Fleetfoot chuckled before turning back to Soarin. "Go on, read the next one!" She cheered. Soarin took a black card and began to read.
"I'm going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but Kale Juice and Blank!" He read. The others all began looking through their hands, with Fleetfoot and Spitfire putting theirs in first, and Dash eventually putting hers in as well. With all of the cards in, he shuffled and flipped them over.
"I'm going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but Kale Juice and....The blood of foals?" Soarin read, his expression turning upside down faster that a sonic rainboom. Spitfire chuckled.
"I heard it keeps you young." She said jokingly. Fleetfoot simply stared in horror.
"And you would know that....HOW?!" Fleetfoot asked with a shout. Spitfire simply chuckled.
"I have my secrets." She responded simply with a wink. Dash giggled a little from her clearly joking demeanor. Fleetfoot scooted her chair a few inches away from Spitfire. Soarin continued.
"I'm going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but Kale Juice and Some God Damn Peace and Quiet!" Soarin shouted with a laugh near the end. The others also shared on the laughter.
"Sounds like he needs this week of cleansing." Spitfire commented. Soarin nodded before reading the final card.
"I'm going on a cleanse this week. Nothing but Kale Juice and.........pffft, Doin' it in the butt." He snickered through the card. The others burst into laughter.
"Okay, the buttsex sounds great, but I will NEVER drink kale juice again." Dash said. Spitfire raised an eyebrow.
"Why is that Dash?" She asked.
"Cause Kale Juice tastes like a Kirin ejaculated into a blender." Dash answered. Fleetfoot howled with laughter, while Soarin failed to hold in his laughs.
"Wow Dash, I also didn't know you liked butt stuff." Fleetfoot teased. Dash rubbed the back of her head with a shrug.
"Eh, anything would be better than Kale Juice. That's all I'm saying. Now go on Soarin, who won?" Dash asked. Soarin looked back over the cards before tapping the winner.
"Some God Damn Peace and Quiet wins!" He revealed. Spitfire's hoof shot into the air in victory before taking her black card winnings. Fleetfoot let her head slam against the table.
"How is she winning?!" Fleetfoot shouted. Dash chuckled at Fleet's reaction.
"Don't worry Fleet, it's only round 2, we can turn it around. Now, it's my turn...."
Rainbow Dash wasted no time starting the third round, quickly drawing a new black card from the top of the deck and turning it over to read it to the others.
"Blank! Foal-tested, Mother Approved!" Dash read enthusiastically. The others all pondered their selections, with Fleetfoot flashing many grins and held in laughs before putting her card in front of Dash.
"Geez Fleet, you have the worst poker face." Dash commented. Fleet simply responded with a pout, but Spitfire and Soarin both burst out with laughter.
"Yeah, you should see her when she actually plays poker! She can never win!" Spitfire teased. The others all laughed, except for Fleetfoot who slammed her hoof on the table.
"Just play your damn cards! I'd rather not discuss my poker losing streak!" She shouted. Soarin snickered.
"What is it again? Fourteen?" Soarin said smugly. Fleetfoot glared at him as he and Spitfire played their cards. She took a deep breath and sat back into her seat and took another sip of her cider. With the others all ready, Dash began to read the answers.
"....Wet Dreams! Foal-tested, mother approved!" Dash read. Spitfire laughed a bit at that card before turning to Soarin.
"Does that explain puberty for colts? Cause that explains so much." Spitfire said with a smug grin at Soarin.
"No comment." Soarin replied dryly. Dash rolled her eyes and continued.
"Alcoholism? Foal-tested, Mother Approved!" Dash said with a hint of disbelief at just how bad the card was in context. Fleetfoot giggled at it.
"Yep! Works for me!" She said before chugging about half her bottle of cider. Spitfire placed her hoof in front of Fleetfoot to get her attention.
"Fleet?" She spoke. Fleetfoot stopped drinking and looked at her.
"Yeeeeeeeeeees?" She answered very slowly and creepily.
"Never have kids." Spitfire said flatly. Fleetfoot nodded.
"You got it boss!" She said loudly before drinking again. Dash and Soarin exchanged worried looks before Dash read the last card. She let out a snort and tried to hold in a laugh when she saw it.
"Cock! Foal-Tested! Mother Approved!" She read out, making the others all lose it.
"Why? It could just be referring to chickens." She said with another couple of giggles.
"I think........Cock wins." Dash said with another burst of laughter. Soarin nodded and took the black card.
"Dammit!" Fleetfoot blurted out. Spitfire chuckled at Fleetfoot's saltiness before grabbing her own card and reading it.
"Oh, this looks good..." Spitfire said before leaning forward and speaking in a lower voice, reminiscent of a creepy voice from a harbinger of doom, "It lurks in the night, it Hungers for flesh. This summer, nopony is safe from....Blank." Spitfire read in her creepy voice. The others all slightly shivered at just how creepy Spitfire could sound and sorted through their decks. Dash made a little snort before turning hers in and Soarin shrugged like he wasn't satisfied with any answers he had before hesitantly handing over an answer. Once all three had their cards in, Spitfire settled back into her creepy voice.
"It lurks in the night, it hungers for flesh. This summer, nopony is safe from.....Being Fabulous!" Spitfire read, suddenly springing into an impromptu Rarity impression which put the whole room into hysterical laughter. After about thirty seconds of laughter, Fleetfoot wiped a tear from her eye and sat up.
"Wow Dash, that sounds like a horror movie about you." She said with a few chuckles. Dash nodded.
"With how often she tries to put me into her frilly dresses, I can see her turning into a horror movie villain." Dash said, composing herself. Once they were all fully composed again, Spitfire continued.
"This summer, nopony is safe from..... Gay Changelings!" Spitfire read, but it only got a few giggles from Fleetfoot.
"Y'know, if the Changelings were still evil like Queen Chrysalis, that would be a lot more funnier." Dash commented. Spitfire shrugged and went to read the last card.
"This summer, nopony is safe from....Child Protective Services!" Spitfire read in an overly dramatic voice.
"Oh no! Not them!" Soarin joined in with a sarcastically dramatic voice of his own. Fleetfoot laughed maliciously.
"Haha! Gonna take your kids!" She said menacingly, making the others laugh. Spitfire tapped the winning card.
"That's funny, but the slasher starring Rarity wins!" she announced. Dash nodded in satisfaction and took her card.
"Time for your round, Princess Fleetfoot." Soarin attempted to tease, but Fleet just smiled with a light blush.
"Oh, I actually like the ring of that, thanks Princess!" She cheerfully responded. Soarin flattened his expression. Fleetfoot then grabbed her card and read it. She chuckled before she could even read the first word.
"Pffft.....Do not FUCK with me! I am literally BLANK right now!" Fleetfoot read. Soarin and Dash both chuckled and looked at eachother. Spitfire shook her head.
"This better be good guys, cause this is too real now." She spoke before flipping through her hand. Eventually, they all selected their respective cards and gave them to Fleet. She shuffled and began to read them.
"Do not FUCK with me! I am literally Throwing a Virgin into a Volcano right now!" Fleetfoot read with an angry voice. The others all looked at her with confused looks.
"Um.....why exactly would you do that?" Dash asked.
"To make a sacrifice to the sun of course! duh!" Spitfire said sarcastically. Fleetfoot shook her head.
"No, I'm actually throwing a virgin into a volcano because that virgin is Soarin." Fleetfoot teased. Soarin's face turned red and his face contorted into a look of horror. Dash raised an eyebrow.
"You're a virgin Soarin?" Dash asked. He didn't respond, not right away, he just sat there, making a high pitched noise that resembled what could best be described as "internal screaming", before finally nodding.
"Yes.....I am.....you're a cunt Fleet." Soarin said harshly while glaring at her.
"Love ya too!" Fleetfoot responded cheerily before reading the next card.
"Do not FUCK with me! I am literally Finally finishing off the Kirin Right now!" Fleetfoot read with the angry voice again.
"I'm getting tired of their singing! Gonna make them silent again!" Fleetfoot said with a mockingly evil tone.
"oh God...." Soarin said quietly at the realization of what she was really meaning with that card. Fleet kept reading.
"I am literally Grave Robbing right now!" Fleetfoot read. Soarin let out a little snort. Fleet smirked at him.
"I guess that's the only way you're gonna get laid huh?" Fleetfoot teased. Soarin's glare was harsh enough to melt steel, but Fleetfoot was still unfazed. "Soarin's virgin volcano adventure wins!" She continued to tease. Dash raised her hoof and took the card.
"Damn Dash, you're starting to catch up." Spitfire commented. Dash shrugged with a smug smile.
"What can I say, I'm just that good! You're up Soarin." Dash turned to him. He nodded and took his card.
"What's a mare's best friend?" Soarin read the card. He looked at the mares present, who all quickly began lookin through their decks. "Why do I get this one?!" Soarin said with anguish. Spitfire chuckled.
"Because you're a lone stallion stuck with three mares playing a card game, you WILL be tortured." Spitfire said. Dash let out a laugh before giving him an apologetic look.
"We're just playing Soarin." She assured him. Afterwards, the three gave him their cards and he shuffled before reading them.
"What's a mare's best friend? Self-loathing." Soarin read with a chuckle. Fleetfoot raised an eyebrow.
"What does that mean?" She asked. Spitfire turned to her.
"It's when you hate yourself." She answered the question. Fleetfoot nodded in understanding before taking a moment to think. She then blurted out before Soarin could read the next card.
"Oh MY GOD That's so true!" Fleetfoot shouted out before drowning more in her cider. The others laughed before Soarin continued.
"What's a mare's best friend? My inner Demons." He read. Dash and Spitfire both nodded in agreement.
"Considering my childhood, that makes sense." Spitfire said. Soarin raised an eyebrow.
"Considering how you run the Wonderbolts now, I think this is STILL true." He teased.
"Shut up." Spitfire responded with a laugh. Soarin then read the last card.
"What's a Mare's best friend? Gloryholes!" He managed to read despite laughing while reading it. "I'll bet that's true, Fleet?" Soarin teased back at her. She simply downed more of her cider while flipping him off with her middle wing feather.
"So, the winner?" Dash asked. Soarin contemplated his options before picking up the winner.
"Gloryholes it is!" He announced. Fleetfoot pumped her hoof into the air and cheered.
"Congrats Fleet. My turn again, into round 4." Dash said. Spitfire nearly choked on her cider.
"It's only round 4? How?" She asked. Soarin nodded in agreement.
"I know right? It feels like this has been going on for like a week now!" He said as Dash picked up her card...
Rather than starting the 4th round right away, Fleetfoot decided it would be a good idea to order a pizza. So while she made the order, the other three sat at the table waiting for her. Spitfire groaned as she listened to Fleetfoot put in a ridiculously complex order.
"You don't need to feed the whole team Fleetfoot! It's just us!" Spitfire called out across her house. Fleetfoot could be heard giggling while also saying a few flirty things to whoever was on the other side of the line. Soarin chuckled at how flustered Spitfire was getting.
"Relax Spits, you know how she gets when she's drunk, either giggling uncontrollably or flirting with the first stallion she sees or talks to. Many times both." Soarin commented before sipping his cider. Spitfire blew a puff of air out of her nose as she looked back across the table at Soarin and Rainbow Dash. The two were simply sitting with their cards on the table in front of them, occasionally glancing around the room, and then to eachother before quickly averting their gazes elsewhere. Spitfire found the subtle actions of her two colleagues to be adorable.
"Well, at least Fleetfoot attempts to flirt with ponies she's interested in." Spitfire said smugly. Soarin and Dash both looked back at her with confusion. Soarin blinked.
"Um, what are you talking about Spitfire?" Soarin asked cautiously. Spitfire chuckled again.
"C'mon, it's so obvious looking at you two! You guys-"
"GOOD NEWS! The pizzas will be here in 30 minutes! Let's move on with this game, shall we!" Fleetfoot suddenly blurted out as she sat back down at the table. Dash was snickering at Fleetfoot's sudden entrance, Spitfire rolled her eyes, annoyed that she was interrupted, and Soarin's face was red with a blush.
Dash didn't see Soarin's flustered state and picked up a card from the black pile.
"I get by with a little help from BLANK." Dash read from the card. The others all began to read through their cards, and all three of them either snorted or let out a snicker at the cards that they chose, and soon enough, Dash had all three answer cards in her hooves. She shuffled them and began to read.
"I get by with a little help from....Sunshine and Rainbows." Dash read in a deadpan tone, while looking a little annoyed. The others all burst into laughter upon hearing the answer, and more so, seeing her expression.
"I see that card being 100% true!" Spitfire shouted out as she laughed so hard tears began to form. Fleetfoot's face was buried in her hooves, and despite his best efforts, Soarin couldn't hold in his laughter.
"I hate you all." Dash deadpanned again.
"Love you too Dashie!" Fleetfoot responded through the laughter. Before Dash could be embarrassed further, she read the next card.
"I get by with a little help from....Poor life choices." Dash read with yet another deadpan expression. The others howled with laughter once again.
"hahaha! I think.....I think this is just going to be your life story Dash! I really hope the last one continues this!" Spitfire managed to quip through her laughter again. Dash glared at all three of them before reading the final card.
"I get by with a little help from.....Solving Problems with violence!" Dash shouted in frustration. The others immediately burst with laughter again, and Dash slammed her head down on the table.
"Yep! The story of Rainbow Dash! Right here!" Fleetfoot hollered with laughter. Soarin's face was turning red once again due to laughing so hard, and Spitfire was fanning her hoof at her face trying to calm down.
"So.....so who won Dash?" Spitfire asked once she had calmed herself enough. Dash flattened her expression.
"Sunshine and Rainbows." She deadpanned. Spitfire nodded in satisfaction before taking her winning card.
"Oh come on!" Fleetfoot shouted in anger as Spitfire took her point as well as her own prompt card for her turn.
"What will always get you laid?" Spitfire read. Fleetfoot and Dash both let out snorts upon hearing the question.
"Heh, sounds like advice that Lightning Streak should take." Soarin commented. Fleetfoot giggled.
"Hah! I doubt it! No amount of advice could EVER get a mare in bed with him." Fleetfoot joked, taking another sip of her cider. The others all looked through their decks for answers, and eventually found them and gave each to Spitfire.
"What will always get you laid? A gentle caress of the inner thigh." Spitfire read. The others all let out some chuckles, but Fleetfoot looked over at Soarin and grinned wickedly.
"What's that your hoof is doing Soarin!" Fleetfoot quickly shouted across the table. Soarin, who had his right hoof down at his side, quickly rose both hooves up in defense.
"Nothing! Why!" He shouted in confusion. Fleetfoot was smirking at him.
"Were you trying to get to second base with Dashie? I saw your hoof beneath the table!" Fleetfoot teased. Soarin's face turned red once again.
"What? No! I..I would never do something like that!" Soarin said defensively.
"Not even to filly like Dash?" Fleetfoot continued, leaning further forward. Soarin became even more flustered.
"J-just read the next card Spitfire!" Soarin shouted. Spitfire shrugged and kept reading as Fleetfoot giggled.
"What will always get you laid? Wearing clothes like a normal pony?" Spitfire read in confusion.
"Eh, I think some ponies just can't stand going natural." Dash said. Fleetfoot snickered.
"Good thing clothes aren't required by law. It gives me chance to show off my sexy body, and a chance to see all those hunky stallions walking around." Fleetfoot commented. Spitfire continued.
"What will always get you laid? Cards against Equestria." Fleetfoot giggled once more.
"Oh, this sounds like foreshadowing for you Soarin!" She teased. Soarin put his face down on the table.
"Shut.....Up." He said out of clenched teeth. Spitfire laughed at Soarin's expense before selecting the winner.
"The gentle caress wins." She said.
"Victory is mine." Dash said confidently as she took her card. Fleetfoot scowled at her before taking a black card for her turn. She read it and covered her mouth before looking at the others.
"What is it Fleet?" Dash asked.
"I don't know if I can read this one, it's REALLY bad." Fleetfoot said. Soarin chuckled.
"Wow, if it's bad by YOUR standards, it must be terrible.....read it." Soarin demanded. Fleetfoot looked to Spitfire and Dash, who were also eagerly waiting to hear the card. Fleetfoot gulped and read...
"Daddy, why is mommy crying?" Fleetfoot read. Soarin's eyes widened, Dash covered her muzzle with a hoof, hiding her smile, and Spitfire snorted.
"Oh, this'll be good." Spitfire said as she looked through her hand. Soarin and Dash did the same and gave their cards, reluctantly in Soarin's case, to Fleet.
With all of the cards in front of her, Fleet began to read...
"Daddy, why is mommy crying? A sex comet that plunges Equestria into eternal sexiness? Whoooo!" Fleetfoot began reading normally, but eventually got louder and cheered after reading it. "Why would you cry at that, it sounds awesome."
"That sounds like an event to finally get Soarin to make a move." Spitfire teased. Soarin blushed and glared. Dash also blushed a little.
"Daddy, why is mommy crying?" Being Rich." Fleetfoot read. Dash snickered.
"You know what they say, money can't buy happiness." Dash commented. Fleetfoot snorted.
"True, but still, the selfish rich bitch should stop complaining." Fleetfoot said. Spitfire chuckled.
"Hey pot, names kettle! You're black!" Spitfire joked, knowing full well that they were all celebrities and were fairly wealthy themselves. Fleetfoot rolled her eyes and read the last card.
"Daddy, why is mommy crying?" She snorted as she read it, "Sn-sneezing....f-farting, and cumming at the same time!" Fleetfoot read, barely making it through before bursting into hysterical laughter. The others all joined her in laughing
"That sounds painful." Soarin commented through is laughs. Dash wiped tears from her eyes and nodded. Once Fleet had herself composed she raised that card.
"This has gotta win." Fleetfoot said breathlessly. Soarin took the card and added it to his points. He then grabbed a card for his turn.
"You better give me the win this round!" Fleetfoot glared at Soarin. He shrugged.
"I make ZERO promises." Soarin said with a smirk before reading. "Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me BLANK!" Soarin read. Dash's eyes widened and her jaw dropped.
"Wow! The timing of this card!" Dash said in amazement. Fleetfoot giggled.
"Yeah, judging from the previous cards, money can buy you depression." Fleetfoot joked. Soarin waited patiently as the other three gave him their cards. Once he had them all, he began to read.
"Money can't buy me love, but if can buy me....Bitches!" Soarin said with a laugh.
"Yep! If ya can't get laid the romantic way, you can at least buy your way to sex." Fleetfoot joked. Soarin glared at Fleetfoot, knowing she was mocking him. He kept reading.
"Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me....Jizz." Soarin read in a deadpan voice and expression. The others all laughed.
"What are you buying that Jizz for Soarin?" Spitfire jokingly asked.
"Yeah, it comes out of your junk for free!" Dash added, making Spitfire and Fleetfoot howl with laughter. Soarin let out a snort upon hearing Dash's quip and continued to read after the others calmed again.
"Money can't buy me love, but it can buy me.....Having Shotguns for legs." He read with a laugh. The others all laughed at the ridiculous mental picture it gave them.
"That sounds simultaneously badass and a terrible idea all at once." Spitfire commented. The others nodded in agreement.
"Sounds like a terrible action movie." Dash added. Soarin looked at his options before choosing one.
"The shotguns win." Soarin announced. Fleetfoot smiled wide and cheered.
"Yay! Thank you Soarin!" She said happily and grabbed the card. Dash rolled her eyes at Fleetfoot's overly excited behavior and grabbed her black card.
"You really call this good service?! It said you'd be here in about 30 minutes, and yet here you are, so late that it's felt like a month has gone by or something! What do you have to say for yourself?!" Fleetfoot shouted out the door at the pizza delivery pony, a big light blue stallion with a brown mane. He had a flat expression on his face, with eyes that spoke about a thousand different versions of "I can't believe I'm here right now instead of doing anything else.
"I'm sorry ma'am, but I got them here now." He responded, dropping the pizza boxes right on the inside of the door. "That'll be 30 bits." He said while stretching out his hoof towards her. Fleetfoot rolled her eyes, then put on a seductive expression, eyeing up the delivery pony in a way he wasn't really expecting.
"How about you lower the price a little, for a sweet little filly like me?" Fleetfoot said, fluttering her eyelashes at the stallion. He still had a flat expression.
"No." He said with a stern face.
"Uuh, fine!" Fleetfoot said, giving up and dropping the bag of bits into his hoof. He finally smiled and nodded at Fleetfoot.
"Thank you ma'am, and have a good night." He said as he began to turn away, but quickly turned back as Fleetfoot began picking up the pizzas. "Oh, and one more thing!" He said, in a voice louder than he had spoken previously. Fleetfoot froze and looked back at him.
"Uh, yeah?" She said uneasily.
"PLEASE stop making fun of my work schedule! I'm trying to get more chapters out to move the story along, but I have A JOB! There's only so much I can do! I know it's been 7 years, but I'm still working on it! So CHILL!" He shouted, seemingly at nopony in particular, despite looking directly at Fleetfoot.
"Uh, what?" Fleetfoot asked in utter confusion. The stallion composed himself and cleared his throat.
"Have a nice evening." he said, even with a little smile as he trotted away and eventually took off into the sky. Fleetfoot stood dumbfounded in the front door for a few more moments, completely confused at what she just witnessed, when a hoof touched her shoulder, making her jump. She turned and Rainbow Dash was standing there.
"You okay Fleet? Need help with the pizza?" Dash asked with a friendly smile. Fleet shook her head out and nodded.
"Yeah, here." She gave half of the stack to Dash, who took it back into the dining room. Fleet took one last look out the door before closing it, and remembering the name tag the stallion was wearing.
"Looks like Calm Wind has some issues." She said to herself before heading back to the dining room.
The four immediately dug into the pizzas almost as soon as they were opened, and they ate mostly in silence, with a few snide remarks from Spitfire and Fleetfoot at how sloppily Soarin and Rainbow Dash were eating their slices.
"Geez you two, get a room for you and the pizza." Spitfire said with a chuckle. Soarin glared at Spitfire, while Dash let out a short snort.
Eventually, the pizza was pushed to the side after they all had their fill, and the 5th round was finally able to start.
Dash picked up the black colored card from the top of the deck and read it aloud to the others...
"What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming?" Dash read, her expression turning slightly horrified. Soarin also shared Dash's expression.
"Well, I'm never gonna be able to look my Grandma in the eyes ever again." He said as he put down the card in front of Dash before the other two could.
"Already Soarin? It must be pretty bad." Spitfire asked. Soarin nodded.
"Yep, I'm going to tartarus." he responded quickly. Fleetfoot put her card in next, still unable to contain any laughter, followed quickly by Spitfire. Dash composed herself once more that night, and read the cards.
What would Grandma find disturbing, yet oddly charming? Peeing a little bit." Dash read, slightly gagging near the end of the card. Fleetfoot snorted, barely holding in her laughter.
"I didn't know Grandma Dash was into the golden shower." She said jokingly, but Dash immediately turned green and quickly flew to the bathroom so fast she left a rainbow streak behind for a moment. Soarin and Spitfire both frowned and looked at Fleetfoot. She sunk into her seat a little.
"Too much?" She asked sheepishly.
"YES!" Spitfire and Soarin shouted in unison. Then, Dash rejoined the table as quickly as she left and continued to read.
"Sorry about that, ANYWAY!" She said as she flipped over the next card, "My sex dungeon." She said, a hint of amusement shining through.
"As an old mare, I'd be into that." Fleetfoot said. The other three all looked at her with flat expressions.
"I'll.....shut up now." Fleetfoot said quietly as she sunk further into the chair.
"Last but not least.....Sexual Tension." Dash read with a slight chuckle. The others also found the card amusing.
"That'll make Tea Time awkward." Dash commented as she looked through her options. "Sexual Tension wins." She announced. Soarin reached over and took the black card as the winner.
"Wow Soarin, so lewd." Spitfire teased.
"Haha, shut it." Soarin fired back. Spitfire simply rolled her eyes and took her own black card.
"She's up all night for good fun. I'm up all night for BLANK." Spitfire read from her card.
"Oh my." Fleetfoot said as she looked for a card to play. Dash and Soarin also shuffled through their hands for cards, and eventually, all three had put one on front of the captain.
"She's up all night for good fun. I'm up all night for....Fucking a corpse back to life?" Spitfire read, getting more and more disturbed until the entire sentence had left her lips.
"You're in for a long night." Soarin commented. Dash looked at him with an eyebrow raised.
"Why, have you ever tried that?" Dash asked in a joking way. Soarin shook his head.
"No, but I think that would take a while to accomplish, just saying." Soarin explained. The others all looked at him for a few more moments. "What?" he asked. Spitfire shook her head out.
"Nothing......Drinking out of the Toilet and Eating Garbage?" Spitfire read the next card. Dash gagged again. Soarin reached over and put his hoof on her shoulder.
"You alright? You need a bucket or something?" Soarin asked caringly. Dash shook her head.
"No thanks, this round is just Really gross." Dash said as she took a stretch to relax herself. Soarin nodded and sat back in his seat. Spitfire smiled to herself at the little interaction.
"Last one, I'm up all night for Injecting Speed into one arm, and Tranquilizer into the other!?" Spitfire read in disbelief. Fleetfoot's eyes were wide.
"Pretty sure that'd just kill you, but hey, anything for a good time I guess." Fleetfoot said, taking a swig of cider.
"So, who won?" Dash asked. Spitfire looked at her choices before placing her hoof on the winner.
"Speed and Tranquilizer." She said. Soarin once again reached over to take his winning card.
"Wow Soarin, making a comeback." Dash commented. Fleetfoot laughed.
"It's only round five, he'll probably lose it soon." She teased. Soarin glared at her as she took her card.
"What's fun until it gets weird?" Fleetfoot read from the black card. The others all began to look through their hands.
"Most things, now that I think about it." Soarin said.
"Now I can't stop thinking about Pinkie, this card perfectly sums her up." She commented as she placed her card in front of Fleetfoot. Once all three cards were hers, she shuffled them up, and read them.
"What's fun until it gets weird? The Maretriarchy." Fleetfoot read with a straight face and turned to Soarin. "Really dude? Sexist much?" She asked. Soarin shook his head.
"That was not me! And I have no problems with mare's ruling Equestria okay!" Soarin defended. Spitfire let out a snort.
"You sure you're not just saying that because Dash is here?" Spitfire questioned. Soarin sighed and closed his eyes.
"No. This conversation is over, Fleetfoot, please continue before I hurl myself out the window." Soarin said quickly.
"But, we're on the first floor, and you can stand on clouds." Spitfire said.
"And you have wings." Dash added.
"FLEET!" Soarin shouted as he sat back down, a grumpy look on his face, and a blush on his cheeks. Fleetfoot simply smirked and continued.
"What's fun until it gets weird? Interspecies Marriage." Fleetfoot read.
"That does sound like something that will actually be fun until it's weird." Soarin commented. Dash nodded.
"Yeah, I'm already seeing it with a few students at the School of Friendship." Dash mentioned.
"Wait, Really?" Fleetfoot asked in surprise. Dash nodded.
"Yeah, two students, Silverstream and Gallus, A Hippogriff and a Griffon, they try not to show it, but they are totally, heads over hooves in love with eachother." Dash explained
"Aw, that's sweet." Spitfire commented. Fleetfoot continued to the last card.
"What's fun until it gets weird? A stallion on the brink of orgasm." She read, and once again gave Soarin a look.
"What? That's not that weird!" Soarin said.
"Yeah, maybe, but it is when he's been on the brink for 5 minutes straight." Fleetfoot joked. Spitfire and Dash couldn't hold in their laughter and let out many howls and laughs. Soarin caught himself chuckling a little before Fleetfoot selected the winner.
"I gotta give it to the Stallion on the brink." Fleetfoot said. To everypony's shock, Soarin once again took the card.
"You gotta be kidding me! How are you suddenly good at this Soarin?" Spitfire asked.
"I don't know, I'm just playing what I see as the funniest cards, either that or the most screwed up." He said before taking a sip of his cider.
"But, that's how I'm playing, and I'm losing the most here!" Fleetfoot argued. Soarin shrugged and shot Fleet a smug look.
"Then try harder I guess." He said before taking his card and sitting back. "Good news is, I can't win this round, so this can go to any of you." He said before flipping the card and reading.
"I'm pretty sure I'm high right now, because I'm absolutely mesmerized by BLANK." He read. Dash chuckled.
"You sure you're still Soarin, or are you Wave Chill right now?" Dash joked. Spitfire rolled her eyes at it.
"He doesn't get high THAT often." She argued. Fleetfoot chuckled.
"Yeah right, he came into practice completely baked out of his mind last week Spitty! Admit it, your stallion has a bit of a problem." Fleetfoot explained. Spitfire let out a long sigh and slumped back.
"Fine, I need to talk to him some time about it, but not now, let's got on with this." Spitfire said as she took a card from her hand and played it. Dash and Fleetfoot followed suit and Soarin eventually had all the cards.
"I'm absolutely mesmerized by Opposable thumbs." Soarin read. Fleetfoot chuckled.
"If your hoof has opposable thumbs, I think you need to get off your high ass and see a doctor." Fleetfoot said with a laugh. Dash snorted.
"I saw a pony like that once." She said. Spitfire nearly choked on her drink and stared at Dash.
"Really? Where?" She asked.
"Pinkie Pie clone." Dash simply responded. The other three exchanged glances before looking back at her, like they were expecting her to continue.
"Don't ask." She said before any of the others could speak. Soarin simply shrugged and went to read the next card.
"I'm mesmerized by....A bunch of idiots playing a card game instead of interacting like normal creatures." He read before looking at the others in an uneasy way.
"Uh, meta much?" Fleetfoot said jokingly.
"Yes, very." A voice suddenly said from somewhere, the four all looked around with shocked expressions, wondering why there was a sudden narrating voice, but they eventually decided to just get back to the game, because it was almost the end of the 5th round, and the writer just wanted to end the chapter already.
"I'm absolutely mesmerized by Drinking responsibly." Soarin said with a chuckle. Fleetfoot nodded.
"Yep, that would do the trick. Re-spon-si-bly, I find that incomprehensible." Fleetfoot said before taking a nearly 10 second chug from her cider bottle, and letting out a belch afterward. Soarin looked at the cards and selected the winner.
"Opposable thumbs." Soarin selected. Dash smiled and took the card.
"Thank you clipper!" She said happily. Fleetfoot groaned.
"Uh! You two are totally in cahoots, I swear!" She said grumpily. Spitfire patted Fleet on the back.
"Don't worry Fleet, we've still got 5 rounds left." She said confidently. Fleetfoot responded with a sigh and tried to take another sip of her drink, only to find the bottle empty.
The sudden sound of the new crate of cider bottles hitting the table caused the three ponies sitting at it to jolt upright in their seats. Soarin ended up jolting up so hard that he fell backwards in his chair.
"OW!" Soarin yelped as he fell back and hit his head. Rainbow Dash immediately got up to go and help him up. Spitfire was still recovering from the sudden startle, and Fleetfoot, the one responsible, was standing proudly next to the table.
"I Have Gotten Us More Refreshments!" Fleetfoot loudly proclaimed while striking a pose. Spitfire simply groaned before grabbing a bottle out of the crate. Rainbow Dash eventually helped Soarin up and sat back down at the table, grabbing another bottle in the process.
"Geez Fleet, where'd you go to find this?" Dash asked as she cracked her bottle open. Spitfire nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, it's felt like a year since you went off to grab this, the pizza's cold by now." Spitfire said, looking over at the half full remaining pizza boxes. Fleetfoot scoffed.
"Well Spitty, maybe if your garage wasn't so cluttered with old Wonderbolt memorabilia, I would have found it far sooner." Fleetfoot responded with a pout before grabbing two bottles of cider and taking them with her to her seat.
"Can we just.....stop being loud please! My head hurts." Soarin said as he rubbed his temples. Dash nodded.
"Yeah, let's go, we still got 5 rounds to get through, and the readers aren't getting any younger!" She declared. Soarin shot her a confused look.
"What readers?" He asked.
"Nothing......MY TURN!" Dash suddenly shouted as she grabbed a black card from the table and read it.
"Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're Blank!" Dash read from the card before the others looked through their decks to find good enough cards.
"Is this supposed to be part of a song or something?" Fleetfoot asked.
"Yeah I think so, read them in a sing-song voice Dash." Spitfire said with a smirk. Dash groaned.
"Do I have to?" She asked with a slight blush.
"YES!" Soarin, Spitfire, and Fleetfoot all said in unison. Dash's expression flattened and she sighed.
"Ok, lay 'em on me." she requested, and the others gave her their cards. Once they were all in front of her, Dash began reading them out.
"Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're Waiting till marriage." Dash read in a tone like she was singing a song. The others all chuckled as she did so.
"Wow! Easy? How could loving someone be easy if they aren't willing to give you some lovin' until you're hitched?" Fleetfoot asked.
"You know, some ponies actually do that kind of thing Fleet." Soarin informed her. Fleetfoot simply stared at him in disbelief.
"Some ponies are out of their damn minds." Fleetfoot muttered before taking another swig of cider. Dash continued.
"Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're Getting pregnant again!" Dash sang again, this time nearly losing it and laughing.
"And that is the opposite end of the spectrum." Spitfire commented, getting some more chuckles out of the others.
"And lastly, Lovin' you is easy 'cause you're Grandma." Dash sang out once again.
"That's either very heartwarming, or very disturbing depending on the context." Soarin said.
"Knowing this game, what do you think it implies?" Spitfire asked giving Soarin a look. He though for a second before his face turned red.
"Um, I'll shut up now." Soarin said. Dash looked through the cards before deciding a winner.
"Getting pregnant again wins." Dash said. Fleetfoot slammed her hoof down on the table, making another loud noise and startling everyone again.
"Give me my point!" She demanded. Dash did as she asked and Fleetfoot sat back down. Spitfire composed herself and grabbed a black card to read.
"How am I maintaining my relationship status?" Spitfire read, then immediately regretted it upon seeing Fleetfoot's smug face looking at her.
"I dunno Spitty, how are you maintaining your status with Wave Chill, I wonder..." Fleetfoot said smugly as she flipped through her cards. Spitfire shot Soarin a 'Help Me' look, but he simply shrugged.
"Sorry Spits, guess you'll just have to grin and bear it." Soarin said as he gave her his card. Spitfire groaned as Fleetfoot and Dash submitted their cards as well. Spitfire cleared her throat and began to read.
"How am I Maintaining my Relationship Status? Chancellor Neighsay's Soft Shitty Body?" Spitfire read out with increasing concern and horror on her face. Fleetfoot and Dash immediately burst out laughing, and Soarin attempted to hold it in, but ended up laughing anyway.
"Wow Spitty, I didn't know you were into three ways with older stallions." Fleetfoot teased. Spitfire sucked in a deep breath through her nose.
"Can I kill her?" Spitfire asked Soarin.
"Can you at least wait until we're done with the game." He said while still letting out some laughs. Spitfire rolled her eyes and continued.
"How am I maintaining my relationship status? Selling crack to foals." Spitfire read, laughing as soon as she finished it. The others began laughing as well.
"Woah Spitfire, I didn't know you had a side hustle." Dash joked.
"Oh Dash, she has many side hustles." Fleetfoot teased. Spitfire glared at her.
"Fleet, I swear I will coat your primaries in oil and light you on fire! Shut......Up!" Spitfire shouted. Fleetfoot sat back in her chair and put up her hooves.
"Fine then captain buzzkill, just get on with it." Fleet said as she took another sip of her cider.
"Last but not least, How am I maintaining my relationship status? 10 Incredible facts about the Anus?" Spitfire read, cracking near the end with a confused look on her face. She quickly turned to Fleetfoot and glared at her while slowly shaking her head. "Not One Word Fleet!" She said harshly.
"I didn't say anything, now who wins?" Fleetfoot asked. Spitfire contemplated her options before picking a card.
"Selling Crack to Foals wins." Spitfire said with a little smile. Fleetfoot once again shot up in her chair and swiped the point card.
"I am making the greatest comeback streak in the world!" Fleetfoot cheered.
"Yeah, but now it's over, cause it's your turn to judge." Dash pointed out. Fleetfoot looked back at her and sighed.
"Oh, yeah." Fleetfoot said softly before grabbing a black card.
"Coming to Bridleway this season, Blank; the musical!" Fleetfoot read.
"Oh boy, this should be fun." Soarin said. Dash raised an eyebrow and looked at Soarin.
"Are you into musical theatre Soarin?" She asked. He nodded.
"Yep, I go down to Bridleway a lot, I just love those kinds of shows. What about you?" He asked. Dash nodded a little.
"Yeah, they're pretty good, I've only been to Bridleway a few times though, mainly with Rarity." Dash explained. Soarin nodded and smiled.
"Maybe I can take you down there sometime, show you one of the really good ones." Soarin offered. Dash slightly blushed, but nodded.
"Sounds like fun." Dash said with a smile.
Spitfire and Fleetfoot each shot eachother knowing glances as Soarin and Dash talked. Eventually, all three cards had arrived in front of Fleetfoot, who began to read them out.
"Coming to Bridleway this season, Doo-doo; the Musical!" Fleetfoot read, barely getting through it before laughing like a maniac.
"That musical sounds gross yet hilarious." Soarin commented once he was done laughing. The others nodded in agreement before Fleetfoot continued.
"Coming to Bridleway this season, Three Consecutive Seconds of Happiness the musical!" Fleetfoot read, laughing even harder than the card before. The entire table was in a roar of laughter.
"That musical is also known as Fleetfoot's sex life; the musical!" Spitfire joked, making Soarin and Rainbow Dash laugh even harder. Fleetfoot glared at Spitfire, who simply stared smugly back at Fleet.
"Coming to Bridleway this season, Jumping out at ponies the musical." She simply read without laughing.
"Eh, not the best thing to follow the other two." Dash commented.
"I didn't have anything that was good." Soarin said with a chuckle.
"Well, I guess the three seconds of happiness wins." Fleetfoot said.
"Nice." Spitfire said as she took the card. Fleetfoot stared at her in disbelief.
"You sneaky bitch." Fleetfoot whispered.
"That's what you get." Spitfire said smugly while flipping Fleetfoot off with her wing. "Soarin, you're up." Spitfire said. Soarin nodded and grabbed a black card.
"Kids, I don't need drugs to get high, I'm high on blank!" Soarin read in a silly voice.
"Oh, this is gonna be good." Spitfire chuckled as she played her card. Dash and Fleetfoot followed suit. Soarin then had all the cards in front of him, and he began to read.
"I'm high on Putting an entire peanut butter and jelly sandwich into a book?" Soarin read in a confused and amused tone before laughing. The others joining him in the laughter.
"That sounds like Twilight's worst nightmare." Dash commented.
"You never know Dash, she might be into that, always gotta have food ready." Soarin joked, getting Dash to laugh more. He then turned the next card over.
"I high on Hot Cheese?" Soarin read and laughed again. Spitfire nearly spat out her cider at that card.
"How exactly do you get high off of cheese?" Spitfire asked.
"I dunno, ask Wave, he could probably get high off of anything!" Fleetfoot jumped in, making everyone else, including Spitfire, laugh. Soarin then flipped over the last card.
"Finally, I'm high on...." He was about to read it, but then stopped. Spitfire raised an eyebrow.
"Not again Soarin, read the damn card." She said harshly. Soarin swallowed and took in a breath.
"Used Panties." He said softly. The mares all burst out with laughter and Soarin simply sat their awkwardly.
"Oh Soarin, I bet you are!" Fleetfoot jokingly said. Soarin's blush eventually went away and he selected the winning card.
"The PB&J in the book wins!" He quickly said to move them on. Dash raised her hoof and took it.
"Thanks Clipper." Dash said as she took her point.
"Well, better get on with the next round then?" Spitfire asked. Dash nodded.
"Who knows, maybe it won't take another damn year again!"
"Fleet, I think you've had enough by now." Spitfire said carefully to Fleetfoot as she struggled to stay upright in her chair. Fleetfoot simply scoffed in response.
"Yo.....you...*hic*..Know nothing about me Witch! The cider simply gives me *hic*....unlimited poweeeeeer!" Fleetfoot cried out as she stood up in the chair, only to fall backwards out of the chair and into the wall with a thud. Spitfire took a deep breath in and stood up.
"That's it, we're moving you to water for the rest of the night!" Spitfire shouted as she grabbed the case of cider and took it back to the kitchen. Fleetfoot saw her leave with it from her crumpled form on the floor.
"Nooooo! my essence!" She slurred out. Both Soarin and Rainbow Dash walked over and picked Fleetfoot off the ground and sat her back in the chair.
"Spitfire's right Fleet, you should probably stop drinking more cider before you hurt yourself." Rainbow said with a kind smile. Soarin nodded in agreement. Fleetfoot snorted and sat back in the chair.
"Fine mom, I'm just trying to have fun." Fleet huffed. Spitfire finally returned from the kitchen with a pitcher of water and some glasses. She poured each pony a glass and the group settled back in for another round of cards.
"Your turn Dash." Spitfire said as she gave Dash a black card. She took it from Spitfire and read it aloud.
"As a part of his daily regimen, Prince Blueblood sets aside 15 minutes for BLANK." Dash read. Spitfire chuckled.
"Blueblood? You mean Celestia's Nephew? That spoiled royal?" Spitfire asked.
"Oh yeah! You know, Rarity once had a huge crush on him, wanted to dance with him at the Gala." Dash recounted.
"Oh, and how well did that go?" Soarin asked. Dash snickered as she remembered that night.
"Not well, the guy was an asshole, and got what was coming to him." Dash said with a smile as the others handed in their cards to her. Once she had them all she began to read.
"As part of his daily regimen, Prince Blueblood sets aside 15 minutes for....Concealing a Boner!" Dash laughed as she read it, the others also joining her in laughing at the image.
"I bet he doesn't have to worry about that much anymore, I doubt any mare would touch him with a 10 foot pole!" Soarin said while chuckling. Dash read the next card.
"Changling Dungeon Porn" Dahs read in a voice mixed with amusement and disgust.
"Oh, so that's what the dear prince is up to in his downtime." Spitfire joked. Fleetfoot looked smugly at Soarin.
"I bet that's the kinda stuff that gets you off huh Soarin?" Fleetfoot smugly said. Soarin blushed and his face turned green in quick succession.
"What?! No! EWW!" He cried. Dash read the final card.
"The Pirate's Life." Dash simply read, not really laughing at it.
"Oh, that's not so bad." Soarin commented. Dash nodded.
"Yeah, I've met pirates before, they were pretty chill.....once they agreed not to throw us overboard." Dash quickly said. Soarin raised an eyebrow.
"Wha-?" He started but was quickly interrupted by Dash.
"Nothing! The winner goes to Changling Dungeon Porn!" Dash held up the card. Fleetfoot pumped her hoof into the air lazily and Dash gave her the black card. Spitfire then began her turn and took a black card to read it.
"During Flight School, I never really fit in until I found BLANK club." Spitfire read. The other three all started to select their cards. "I wonder how weird you all were in flight school?" Spitfire wondered aloud.
"Well, we went to flight school together Spits, so you shouldn't have to worry about anything weird from me." Soarin said confidently. Spitfire laughed and looked back at him.
"Oh really? What about the Albatross incident?" Spitfire smugly asked Soarin, making his eyes widen and his cheeks turn red.
"We agreed never to mention the albatross incident as long as I continue to live." Soarin said quickly and quietly back to Spitfire. Dash leaned over to Soarin.
"What was the albatross inci-?"
"NOTHING! TAKE MY CARD!" Soarin loudly interrupted Dash and threw his card as Spitfire before cowering in his seat slightly. Dash simply shrugged, but laughed quietly after looking at how adorable Soarin was acting. Spitfire was then ready to read the cards.
"During Flight School, I never really fit in until I found Dick Feathers club?" Spitfire said in a tone of confusion. Fleetfoot thought for a moment in her haze of inebriation before turning green and gagging.
"I don't want to know, next please." Fleet said as she felt sick. Spitfire continued.
"Until I found Lactation club." Spitfire said with another amused tone. The others laughed.
"And finally, until I found....Inserting a Mason Jar into my Anus club?" Spitfire broke and began laughing once she reached the end of the card.
"What an....oddly specific club." Dash commented. Spitfire wiped a tear from her eye from the sudden laugh attack and pointed to the card.
"Mason Jar wins." She said. Soarin took the card as the winner.
Alright Fleet, your turn." Spitfire said as she gave Fleetfoot a black card. Fleetfoot flipped it over and read it.
"I drink to forget BLANK! Finally, a card that speaks to me!" Fleetfoot cheered. The others all laughed along with her and handed her their cards.
"I drink to forget Mufasa's Death Scene." Fleetfoot said with a hint of confusion.
"Is that a reference to something?" Spitfire asked.
"I think so. Pinkie once referenced it to me, apparently it's so traumatizing, it can haunt foals for years even after they've grown up.
"It's true!"
Fleetfoot rolled her eyes and went to read the next card.
"I drink to forget Cuddling." Fleetfoot read. Dash scoffed.
"Yeah, I would totally drink to forget something as lame as that." Dash said with a tough tone. Soarin chuckled.
"Yeah right, I bet you're probably the kind of mare that secretly likes cuddling." Soarin said smugly, expecting some kind of retort, but instead, Dash simply looked Soarin up and down and into his eyes before blushing and sitting back. Soarin blushed too. Before either could say anything else, Fleetfoot continued reading.
"I drink to forget Indescribable Loneliness." She finished, looking sad.
"Wow, is this too real or what?" Soarin said sorrowfully.
"Why, is that what you'd drink to forget?" Dash asked. Soarin thought for a moment.
"I mean, if I lost everypony I loved, then yeah, I'd probably drink for being alone. Spitfire let out a laugh.
"Ha! You probably just drink to forget the Albatross incident!" Spitfire teased. Soarin blushed and inhaled sharply before glaring at Fleetfoot.
"Pick a winner please before I un-alive myself!" He said desperately. Fleetfoot smirked before pointing to the winning card.
"Cuddling wins." She declared. Spitfire quickly took the black card for her point. Once she had the card, Soarin drew his own black card, quickly reading it.
"Next from A.K Yearling, Daring Do and the Chamber of BLANK!" Soarin read dramatically. Dash smiled.
"Oooooh! Daring Do card, nice!" She said excitedly before looking through her cards. Eventually, Dash, Fleetfoot, and Spitfire all selected cards and gave them to Soarin, who began to read them.
"Next from A.K Yearling, Daring Do and the chamber of Third Base." Soarin said with a chuckle. Fleetfoot spoke up next.
"Are you sure that's a new book, or is that just a fanfic that you wrote Dashie?" Fleetfoot teased. Dash blushed and looked away. Soarin continued.
"Daring Do and the chamber of Foals with Ass Cancer." Soarin read in a shocked tone. Fleetfoot and Rainbow Dash burst out laughing.
"That.....would be a very different kind of Daring Do book." Soarin said slowly.
"So would the last one!" Fleetfoot added. Soarin finally read the third card.
"Daring Do and the chamber of Not Having Sex." Soarin laughed as he read. The others all joined him in the laughter, and it took about 20 seconds for them all to calm down to hear the winner.
"Okay....Not having sex wins." Soarin announced, Spitfire raised her hoof and took her point.
"Well, there goes another round, only 3 left." Dash mentioned. Spitfire glanced at the clock.
"It's already almost 11, we've been at this a while." She commented.
The next round was quick to begin as Dash grabbed another black card to read, but before she could, Spitfire held up her hoof with a smug smile.
"Oh no, that's never a good look from you Spitty." Fleetfoot said cautiously as she took another sip of her water. Spitfire simply chuckled in response to the other's uncomfortable stares.
"Heh, I just think we should liven this round up a little with a mini challenge." Spitfire explained. The others all gave each other worried glances before Rainbow Dash spoke up.
"What kind of challenge?" She asked with an eyebrow raise.
"This round, nopony can laugh." Spitfire revealed. Soarin's eyes widened a little, while Fleetfoot and Dash both scoffed.
"Are you kidding me Spitty? I can totally handle this challenge." Fleetfoot said with confidence, Dash nodded in agreement.
"Yeah, bring it on!" She said enthusastically. The three mares turned to Soarin to hear his opinion on the challenge. He glanced at all three of them before sighing and nodding.
"Fine, I'm going to lose this, but fine." Soarin said before taking a few deep breaths and muttering to himself, "Focus.....do...not...laugh."
"Alright, starting now, nopony laugh, Dash you have the floor." Spitfire motioned. Dash nodded and read the card.
"What did Iron Will Eat for Dinner?" Dash asked, not breaking at all. As the others looked through their hands, Fleetfoot caught herself before she could let out a snort, and Soarin had to fight off a smile, but they were all able to resist laughing and turned in their cards to Dash, who began to read.
"What did Iron Will eat for Dinner? Land Mines" Dahs read with a straight face. The others looked around to catch any laughs or smile, but there were none.
"It was the only one that made sense, okay?" Spitfire said in defeat. Dash simply shrugged and dropped the card before reading the next one.
"What did Iron Will Eat for Dinner? An Ass Disaster." Dash read, very nearly cracking, but managing to hold down the urge to chuckle. Soarin had to put a hoof over his mouth and Fleetfoot put her head down on the table.
"Are you laughing Fleet?" Spitfire asked in a smug tone. Fleetfoot took a breath and looked back up at Spitfire, her face was a little red.
"Nope! I'm fine!" She said with a higher pitched voice than normal. She turned to Dash, "Keep reading please." She pleaded to Dash, who simply nodded.
"What did Iron Will eat for Dinner? BATMARE!!!" Dash said dramatically. Soarin let out an audible snort before slamming a hoof over his mouth again. Spitfire pointed a wing at Soarin.
"There's one! Soarin's losing this challenge now!" Spitfire mocked.
"This doesn't affect the game as a whole right?" Soarin asked. Spitfire shook her head.
"Nope, just for this round, who wins Dash?" She asked. Dash held up a card.
"Gotta be the Ass Disaster." Dash said. Fleetfoot jumped up from her chair and took the card.
"YES!" She cheered, then Spitfire grabbed a black card for her turn.
"BLANK should be a crime!" Spitfire read from the card. This time the other players all managed to hold their laughter in while giving Spitfire their cards. Eventually all of them handed them in, and Spitfire began to read again.
"Daddy Issues should be a Crime!" Spitfire read dramatically. Rainbow Dash and Fleetfoot both let out little laughs before trying to recover, but it was too late.
"There we go, now I'm winning at this little game!" Spitfire said confidently before continuing.
"Holding Down a Foal and Farting all Over Him should be a crime!" Spitfire read out, slipping up and letting out a chuckle in the middle of reading it. Fleetfoot leaned forward towards Spitfire with a smug expression.
"You were saying?" She said. Spitfire frowned and put the card back down.
"Fine were all even! Puberty should be a Crime!" Upon reading the next card though, they all began to laugh before trying their best to shut up. Spitfire looked down at the cards to determine a winner.
"As much as the Puberty one is probably true, I gotta go with farting all over the foal." Spitfire jokingly said. Fleetfoot took her next black card as the winner.
"Wow Spitty, you naughty mare." Fleetfoot teased. Spitfire glared.
"Shut it! Also, that smile counts, you're losing now!" Spitfire added. Fleetfoot immediately frowned and took another black card to read for her turn.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by BLANK!" Fleetfoot read out in a dramatic voice. Once again the other players quickly turned in their cards and Fleetfoot was ready to read once again.
"The class field trip was completely ruined by Explosions!" Fleetfoot read enthusiastically. The others all looked at each other, nodding in agreement.
"Yeah, that would do it." Soarin commented.
"That's just an average day in Ponyville if you ask me." Dash added, causing Spitfire to let out a snicker. Fleetfoot glared at Spitfire.
"What was that captain?" She asked smugly. Spitfire shoved her away. "Keep reading you."
"The class field trip was completely ruined by Extremely tight pants." Fleetfoot read.
"Who wears pants anyway?" Soarin asked.
"Only the weirdos and the upper crust of Canterlot, so no wonder the trip was ruined." Fleetfoot commented, making both Dash and Soarin cover their mouths to avoid laughing.
"An lastly, what ruined the class trip? A Sad Hoofjob!" Fleetfoot read dramatically, making the other three all laugh.
"Dammit!" Spitfire huffed after she finished laughing.
"The Sad Hoofjob wins!" Fleetfoot awkwardly said. Dash reached over and took her winning card.
"We've still got one more turn in this round to determine who loses when it comes to holding in laughter, your turn Soarin." Spitfire explained. Soarin nodded and took a card.
"What did you bring for Show and Tell?" Soarin read out on the card. As usual, the selecting of cards was relatively easy and before he knew it, Soarin had all three cards to judge.
"What did you bring for Show and Tell? An Erection that lasts longer than four hours." Soarin read out in a pained voice.
"Ouch, are you sure their doing it for show and tell, or do you think their just desperate for help?" Dash said jokingly.
"Maybe he's just really proud of it!" Fleetfoot said with a giggle.
"That was a laugh Fleet." Spitfire quickly said.
"Son of a-!" Fleetfoot said will slamming her hoof on the table. Soarin continued to read.
"What did you bring for show and tell? The secret Formula for ultimate female satisfaction!" Soarin read dramatically.
"Sounds like something you should get Soarin, then maybe you'd find a date, or at least give ya the courage to ask out Dash already." Fleetfoot said bluntly. Dash gasped at how forward Fleet was and blushed lightly. Soarin's jaw dropped and his face turned bright red. Fleetfoot looked between the two of them and groaned. "Oh come one! It's so obvious! Just keep reading Soarin." Fleetfoot brushed the topic aside. Soarin glared at Fleetfoot for a few seconds longer before regaining his composure and reading the last card.
"What did you bring for show and tell? Dark and Mysterious Forces beyond our control." Soarin read out the overly long card without cracking a smile. The others all simply shrugged in agreement before Soarin selected the winning card.
"The secret formula wins!" Soarin announced. Spitfire reached over and took her winning card.
"Wait, were all tied now right?" Dash asked. Spitfire looked at their allotted cards and nodded.
"I think so." she said.
"But, who lost the try not to laugh challenge?" Fleetfoot asked. Soarin groaned slightly.
"That's literally what it was." Fleetfoot deadpanned.
"Whatever!" Spitfire butted in, "We all laughed so often during that round that we all lost! Congratulations!" Spitfire announced jokingly. The others all joined her in laughing and they settled back down for the next round.
"Only 2 rounds to go!" Dash said to herself, eager to win.
