A collection of various mysteries from around Equestria bundled into a strange little magazine. So come along and take a deep dive into the world of the fortean, dear reader!
Enigmatic Equus is the premiere magazine dedicated to all things strange, paranormal, and supernatural. Written by Bizarre Symbols, the magazine takes aim at all sorts of things mysterious. This is issue #2,021 and is a special one as it not only contains a whole 50 new mysteries ready to be looked into, but is free! So come along and take a deep dive into the world of the fortean, dear reader!
Meanwhile, outside the pages of the magazine, a magazine writer struggles with his work.
Hello, dear reader and welcome to the one and only place you’ll ever need to learn about anything and everything strange in Equestria: Enigmatic Equus. This is issue #2,021. As always, I am your writer: Bizarre Symbols, unicorn by day, unicorn by night, and unicorn by… every other conceivable time of the day.
You see, unlike other news outlets, magazines, books, and telegrams that you can read from while waiting at the checkout at your local market, Enigmatic Equus likes to give you the nit and gritty of the weird side of this glorious land. We aren’t some half-baked sensationalist rag that writes about goofy stuff like Fancy Pants being a lizard pony or some nonsense like that. No, we get to the heart of the oddities that make up most of our kingdom. We’re hard hitting journalism if journalists investigated why a diamond store was robbed of one hundred million bits!
Wait, I think they did do that.
Anyways, now that my self narration is done and my superiors are on the verge of firing me, let’s get down to business. For this edition of our glorious magazine, we’ll be taking trips to all sorts of places! To start things off, we’ll head to what one would think is No Pony’s Land. It’s a place where many go to traverse, but few think twice about because it comes across as nothing special.
Tucked away in a small region of Equestrian where not a soul resides, and cutting through a thick forest, is a road called Shadow of Nightmare Road. It’s a place one only travels when commuting to and from the hustle and bustle of Fillydelphia. Quite a weird name for a road, but there’s also Helltown, Pissville, and Icicle Massacre Avenue. So what makes this road so special?
Well, let’s start with its name’s origin. It isn’t known to anyone, though many have theorized about it. The oldest and most prominent idea posited is that it was Princess Celestia, who named it in a fit of sorrow shortly after she banished Princess Luna. The reason she named this particular road was its lonely, desolate feeling; she had been traveling down the road while enroute to Fillydelphia for a meeting.
Of course, there isn’t any proof to back this up. I know, a real shocker in the realm of this magazine ’s publication history. Lucky for us, there’s another theory. You see, Others have said that the name was given even before the now famous banishing of Luna. There’s a popular claim that an enigmatic figure known only as R. C. Chrillingson named the road as a poetic reminder that darkness surrounds us all, but we are the light to someone else; that we will guide them to happiness.
The third and final theory I’ll go over—since I don’t want to go over a dozen variants of “a drunk stallion said to name it something stupid” (fight me, editor-in-chief what's-your-face)—is that the name originates from a game of Scrabble. Yes, really. Two politicians were playing a game of Scrabble in Fillydelphia when one made the sword “Shadow” and the other made “Nightmare”. They then decided the combination sounded really cool, so they named a long stretch of road “Shadow of Nightmare”. The original name for the road was Walnut of Hyper Love Boulevard.
I don’t get paid enough to make things like that up, so please don’t send hate mail saying I did.
Whatever the case may be, one thing is for absolute certain: there’s something that’s residing on the road, and it’s a really spooky fellow. It’s known as the Phantom of the Road. Oh baby, that sends a chill rushing up and down my spine.
Oh wait, that’s a centipede. Ew!
Ahem, well, anyways, let’s get to the story. You see, legend says that, when Princess Luna was banished, the shadow of Nightmare Moon enveloped Shades of Nightmare Road, casting it in darkness for seven days. In that time, not even the brightest of flames could illuminate the area; all lost in there were damned to die a thousand deaths. When the eighth day came, a search party consisting of the most elite guards from Celestia’s own personal guard went out to inspect the road. What they found was an entire town where a great many ponies were swiftly buried and their families compensated for their deaths. This town—nicknamed Sunshine—has become a national landmark, though the “official” reason for its ghost town status is that a famine struck during the Great Plague and the residents all died.
Most contemporary accounts say that the anguish felt by Princess Luna was so great, a fragment of it was jettisoned down to our planet and now resides on Shadow of Nightmare Road. This fragment took on a life of its own, becoming the Phantom of the Road, a formless being with a black cloak. The only discernible color are two glowing red eyes that would bore their way into the soul of whoever sees it.
A classic example of this is that of Sky Dancer, a Pegasus who feared little. A skeptic by nature, she was beloved by most. As it would turn on, the near universal love for her ended at the Phantom of the Road, who didn’t take kindly to her attempts to have it show itself.
“It was Nightmare Night and Sky wanted to prove that the Phantom didn’t exist,” an anonymous source close to Sky told us. “We went to the road to see if the Phantom would appear and Sky had this genius idea to use one of those stupid Ouija Boards. Real typical of my sist—a close friend of many years.”
The anonymous pony cleared his throat and continued, a stern look on his face. “Anyways, she asked me to contact the Phantom with her, so we did the whole schtick of asking the spirit to reveal itself and yadda yadda yadda.” The source made a bunch of silly faces at this point that made me think they’d become possessed. Luckily, they weren’t, and they instead continued. “So after a bit of nothing happening, I stood up, only to feel a horrible chill run up my spine. Like, I get it was October, but this was the kind of cold I’d expect from the Arctic, y’know? It was just dreadful.”
I nodded in agreement and shivered myself. I grew up in a really cold area of Equestria, so I knew exactly what he was talking about. Subzero temperatures are nothing to mess with. “So what exactly happened after you felt this chill?” I asked.
“Well, I looked at Sky’s face and saw her mouth hanging open,” the source answered. “Truth be told, I knew exactly why and despite that, I still felt a great deal of fear. I knew the Phantom was behind me, I could feel its gaze boring into my soul, and I knew that it was likely not that thrilled we tried to contact it. It was surreal really; I never imagined that the knowledge that something paranormal was physically—or as physically as could be when it’s a ghost—near you could still be horrifying.”
I nodded. “So I’m guessing after that you two ran?”
“Oh yeah,” the source answered. “We left the Ouija Board, though it was thrown at us; it hit Sky on the head and she did this silly little dance before falling over.”
“Wait, how’d you get her out?” I asked.
“I dragged her, all the while I stared at that horrid Phantom,” the source said. “That thing’s eyes are forever burned into my brain, like a branding iron was shoved into it.”
After that, the interview ended, not the least of which was because someone returned home and chased me out like an unwanted fly. I could hear a bunch of commotion on my way out and I think a lamp was thrown. Pretty interesting story though, wouldn’t you say? I’d say so.
Anywhoozle, the second story about the Phantom of the Road that’s often been shared is that of Bee Keeper, a now kindly old mare whose encounters have been featured in this magazine before. She’s the one who has had encounters with The Big Indigo Stallion of Amph Thear and Mothstallion if you’re a new reader (the former was featured in issue #1,976 and the latter was featured in #1,991).
Bee Keeper wasn’t available for comment, likely because she’d died last month from old age. Luckily, I got in contact with her grandson, who told me to stop contacting her. As such, I had to go off of a third-hand source, who said that the encounter took place seventy-four years ago when Bee was twenty-eight. She was walking down Shadow of Nightmare Road at about the dead of midnight when she heard a wail from behind her. When she turned around, she saw a cloaked figure floating towards her at a remarkably quick pace. Before she knew it, the figure had encompassed her and a shrill shriek filled the air. Then, everything was silent, and she was alone.
I have no idea if this story is accurate given it doesn’t come directly from Bee herself, but it sounds like a heck of an encounter if it is real! And before anyone sends in fan mail telling me that I’m no better than the tabloid of tomfoolery known as High Noon’s Sharpener and that I should verify with other sources, I did. Guess what? They all said they couldn’t verify it on any level other than having heard it from the source I originally got it from. So, if nothing else, his story is consistent.
Moving on though: the most famous encounter with the Phantom took place four hundred years ago. An unnamed farmer was traveling down Shadow of Nightmare Road one night, on his way to deliver his recent harvest to the then budding city of Fillydelphia. During his travel, he heard a most terrible wail; one that shook him to his bones. When he turned around, he saw the floating cloak; eyes described as being the most terrible sight one could ever bear witness to. While some called him melodramatic, others backed up his claims and those who doubted him went to investigate themselves, only to return and immediately apologize.
One of these ponies’ stories stuck out though, that of another farmer by the name of Apple Pie. When he returned, he claimed there was not one, but three phantoms, all of whom shrieked and chased him back to Fillydelphia.
That account is the one and only time—as far as I’m aware at least—that more than one Phantom was ever seen. This is important as some who’ve gone to investigate the Phantom have never returned, spawning the belief that it was consuming their souls to become stronger, with a modern belief among paranormal enthusiasts arising that the Phantom became the Tantabus. Though it’s possible those who’ve gone missing simply got lost in the woods; most who return are simply shaken up and say the Phantom shrieked and chased them, never appearing to have any desire to hurt them.
So where does that leave us now? Well, I hold no stance on the entity becoming the Tantabus (heck, I barely know what it is; I don’t keep up with the latest happenings here in Equestria). Though if you were to ask me what I believe the Phantom is, I’d say I do genuinely believe it to be some sort of fragmented sorrow that came to life. Though I mean, is that much of a surprise? I’m the pony who said he thinks that Mothstallion is really an alien and that the Vampire of the Everfree is some blood drinking, cattle killing monster that escaped a warlock’s home.
Though I digress, I wasn’t willing to end this story off on such an uneventful note. So, I went out and bought a Ouija Board. My goal? To contact the Phantom myself. After getting a train ticket, I went to Shadow of Nightmare Road and realized that you need at least two people to play with it. So, I got a ticket back and asked my marefriend—Daisy—to come along with it. I also grabbed my friend Tom. Who’s Tom? He’s Tom, stop sending letters asking why he’s named Tom.
So anyways, we went to Shadow of Nightmare Road and decided to begin playing once we were about three hundred down the road. I yanked the board out and we sat around it, the cool breeze blowing against us.
“Oh Phantom,” I began, “where the heck are you and why don’t you show yourself?”
“Quit being a jerk,” Daisy replied.
“Yeah, Bizarre,” Tom added. “My marefriend would’ve killed me if I’d said that!”
I said, remembering how Tom’s dating some uptight—wait, this isn’t necessary.
Well, anyways, I apologized to the Phantom and rephrased my original question.
“Oh, Phantom,” I began once more, “please show yourself so I can offer you an apologetic hug. Ooh-woo.”
This time, the board flew up into the air and a shrill shriek filled the air. Out of nowhere, the Phantom embraced me and then flew off.
Daisy looked at me.
Tom looked at me.
I looked at me.
The Phantom had left a mirror in front of me, a sizable scratch on my cheek.
Without a word, the three of us left and swiftly returned home; on the train though, I decided it’d be a smart idea to head to the bathroom and clean out my boo-boo. Otherwise, I simply sat in my seat, staring out the window, and wondering to myself what the heck had just happened. Several weeks later and to be honest, I still don’t know what happened. I sometimes think I got really drunk and watched some Ghost Expedition episode that made me think I was experiencing a real ghost hunt.
Whatever the case may be, I think it’s safe to say that, without an explanation, I definitely believe the Phantom of the Road to be a real thing—unless of course someone can explain what happened. So if you want to send in some fanmail, I’d be happy to read it and respond!
Until I get that mail though, we’ve got many more stories to go over, so let’s not waste time dilly-dallying with aimless rambling. So how about we turn the page to see another of Equestria’s famous occupants: a monster so ferocious, some say that Princess Celestia herself fears it.
As foals, we’re typically taught that everyone and everything on our humble planet has purpose. While it may seem bizarre to imagine that a disease carrying pest like a mosquito has a purpose, it serves as good for a friendly little bird. The same goes for a wretch like a cockroach; its feces helps to fertilize some pretty flowers.
Yes, seriously. Next time you see a batch of happy flowers, thank your local cockroach.
Anyways, all life has a grandiose, fantastical purpose. Though there is a legend that is said to lurk within the forests of the world. A monster so horrible, so evil, and so cruel, Princess Celestia herself refuses to acknowledge its existence.
Given the name of “Fleshgait”, and sometimes referred to as “The Pale Devil” (though I will simply call it the Fleshgait), this creature’s documentation dates back to the earliest records of our nation’s existence. Our earliest ancestors spoke of a tall, bipedal, pale creature with sharp claws and pitch black eyes. It’s said that the Fleshgait could mimic the voices of village elders to lure the naïve children into forests, only for them to never be seen again. Though their anguished screams would permeate the still night air for hours on end, only to cease when the most foolish of youth would charge into forest in an effort to save their fellow pony.
Then the scream would change.
The skeptical ponies have always believed these stories to be nothing but fables meant to frighten foals into not straying into forests in an effort to go on reckless adventures. The more open-minded ponies believe that something outside the natural cycle and order of nature exists right outside of our homes.
Claims from Canterlot insiders have existed for years, with some claiming that Celestia has been overhead saying that the Fleshgait is of Tartarus, an escapee that resides among us. Banished centuries ago, it was—or is—a being summoned from the darkest, most wicked of magic. In an effort to see if any of this was true, I reached out to Celestia for a comment, but I was simply issued a cease and desist to stop sending her letters. I don’t even think that’s how that works; Celestia’s address is 11 Wall Street, New Colt City, right?
Right?
Oh whatever, let’s just move on.
The idea that it was an escapee from Tartarus isn’t the only theory that lurks around the minds of ponies. Some believe that the Fleshgait came to be because a callous stallion transformed himself into one when attempting to decipher the Ponyinch Manuscript, having lost his mind when he saw what he had become. This version also states that the stallion created copies of himself so that others could bear witness to the horror that he’d become; a desire to scar all of those who are not like him, should they escape his wrath.
What a saintly figure; he just wants to spread the love.
No matter which version you believe in, one thing is for sure: the Fleshgait is something a great many ponies have encountered all across Equestria. A popular story often shared is that of an earth pony named Cherry Blossom. She and her lover, another earth pony named Midnight Quill, were out camping on the Appleachain’s when they heard several twigs snap in rapid succession. At first, they believed it to be nothing more than a deer rushing by, perhaps running from a bear or timber wolf. Though soon, a cry for help filled the air; the voice of a foal that couldn’t have been more than five-years-old.
According to Cherry, she and Midnight stood up and followed the voice deep into the woods, but no matter how far they went, the voice never got louder, though it also never got fainter. After walking for a few minutes, the voice disappeared entirely and was replaced by a wretched odor that filled the air—a telltale sign of the Fleshgait’s presence. That’s when the creature emerged and came into view—quickly.
It was running right at them.
Both ponies said it was “the most horrific, disgusting thing” they had ever seen. Lanky, flesh-colored, and letting out the most shrill screams either had ever heard. It was “akin to a train barreling towards them”. Without hesitation, both turned tail and ran as fast as they possibly could, not stopping to retrieve any of their belongings (which they never bothered to even try to get). Eventually, they reached the road itself, at which point they collapsed onto the ground; the screeching having ceased. The only thing either could hear was their heavy breathing and the rapid beating of their hearts.
This story piqued my interest, primarily because it’s in every single book related to mysteries and legends in Equestria. Seriously, I went to my local library and nine times out of ten, it was in there. Kudos to the one author (whose name I cannot remember because I didn’t bother to check) who didn’t include it.
Anyways, because I dislike being left out of the cool kids club, I decided to reach out to both Cherry and Midnight, who had since married. They agreed to be interviewed by me, so I made my merry way to their home in Las Pegasus where I sat down with the two and asked them directly: what was this encounter like?
“It was the most insane thing to ever happen to us,” Midnight told me, staring at my fedora and cigar. He requested one, but Cherry slapped him upside the head and said that he should quit smoking. Rubbing his cheek, he continued: “I couldn’t believe something like that was real!”
“I still have nightmares about it,” Cherry added. “You’d think such abominations were only fables, but I saw it with my own eyes. It was running at us. Movements were unnatural; its arms stretched down to its knees. I swear, it was the stuff your nightmares have nightmares about.”
I thanked them for their comment and subsequently left, leaving them dumbfounded as to why I’d made such a big deal about meeting them. This is top-tier journalism and time waits for no one. I also stole one of their lollipops on the way out because reasons.
After paying a five bit fine for petty theft, I returned to my notepad. You see, dear reader: Cherry and Midnight aren’t the only ponies to encounter the Fleshgait—far from it. Countless ponies across the land have seen Fleshgaits! Campers, hikers, it’s like everyone has seen one!
Well, almost everyone…
Okay, nowhere close to everyone.
My point is: reports of Fleshgaits are by no means rare. Credible sightings also aren’t; take for example the famous report involving a troop of Royal Guards that went missing on the road during a training exercise. While the official report dictates that they got lost in the thickness of the forest (which is why a large part of the forest was taken down at 62.10401554464931, 24.459908986464143, should you inspect maps between 1930 and 1931), some blame it on a Fleshgait. This is because there’s a popular rumor involving Princess Celestia investigating the missing troop herself
The story goes that, upon getting wind of the missing troop, Celestia went out to seek out this creature herself. It’s been said that she is familiar with the stories thanks to her parents talking about it when she was a filly. She set out with a few of the most elite guards she had, only to return the following day, a horrified look on her face—or so say some supposed insiders. As is the case with any insider, take it with a grain of salt.
For the next three days, she stayed in her room and never spoke of what happened in the time she was in the forest. Anyone who questions her is told that the story is a mere urban legend.
According to the insiders mentioned earlier: Celestia saw the Fleshgait for herself and the evil that she felt looking into its soulless eyes drove her mad. The strongest of unicorns from around the nation were subsequently summoned to Canterlot to perform ancient rituals so that she could be brought back to reality.
While Celestia may have (allegedly) had a close encounter of the fleshy kind, she was at least lucky enough to survive. The last case we’ll talk about is known only as the Colt in the Ditch. A tragic story to be sure, an unidentified colt was discovered in, well, a ditch—I know, hard to believe. This colt’s identity has been a mystery for a staggering seven hundred years and the description of what happens to him so graphic, I can’t write about it. Let’s just say that the only reason anyone knew his gender is because whatever mutilated him had the courtesy to shove his genitals through a tree.
This story became the talk of the town in times of yore, spreading like a wildfire across the land. Everyone from Celestia to the lowliest of peasants in Prance knew of the Colt in the Ditch—a pony found in the swamps just outside of Fillydelphia, but no one knew who—or what—did it. As such, a great many legends sprang up about vampires, werewolves, demons, and even beings from another realm sprang up. It’s been speculated that this is where the legend of the Tall Man in the Suit came from on account of his pension for mutilating his victims before whisking them away to his world, forcing them to live out the rest of eternity as mangled bodies, writhing in agony.
Though even the most ardent of paranormal enthusiasts have denounced those ideas products of mass hysteria. As such, let’s hone in on one particular theory before we return to the idea of the Fleshgait: that this murder was the work of The Mad Butcher of Coltsbury Run. The only flaw with this is the walk to and from the swamp is extremely lengthy, talking quite a few days. Of course, given the other unidentified murder victims in a nearby swamp, it isn’t the most implausible theory.
Then, of course, there is the theory that it was the Fleshgait. Given that this is the central topic of this page. At the time of this murder took place, there was a rash of panic surrounding witches and warlocks—sort of like the Pegasus Village Witch Trials. Like contagion, the paranoia had spread to villages near the swamp, leading to accusations from everyone and everything. One of the most famous examples is that of Sir Trottingston of the-then village of Fillydelphia, who was accused of being a warlock by his brother, Sir Trottingsworth.
Such a nonsensical story may seem like, well, pure nonsense, though some claim that just before he was burned, he whispered a curse beneath his breath to never leave this mortal plane, and that he became the Fleshgait we’ve talked about today. Not only that, but some speculate that the colt was his brother and that he’d taken revenge on him as the ferocious, bloodthirsty monstrosity that now lurks in the forest; the warlock having used wicked magics to create clones of himself. You know, kind of like how I described the story of that manuscript at the start, only slightly different. I swear, I’m not making this stuff up!
Er, anyways, there’s one question that lingers over the heads of many: is any of it true? Well, truth be told, I don’t know and neither does anyone else. As such, I would say that it’s entirely up to you to decide. There has never been any hard evidence to support any of the stories we’ve gone over. While one may speculate that Celestia knows the truth or that Sir Trottingston is in fact the Fleshgait, nothing has ever fully come of the chaotic stories that make up the bulk of campfire stories for the youth today. For now, we can only hope that if it is real, it doesn’t come for us and instead stays in the forest.
Or, well, that’s what I’d say if I didn’t have an idea so amazing, it rivaled that of the wheel. You see, after finishing writing this article, I had the idea to go out and purchase the biggest pig I could find. After asking my boss for about seven-thousand bits, I went out and bought the pig. After that, I went back to my home and tied the pig to a nearby tree. After that, I went to Fluttershy’s house and asked her for some meat that she usually uses to feed her animal friends. After offering her the remaining four-thousand bits I had, I went home with bacon, steak, and even some pork!
Won’t lie, that stuff smells amazing.
Anyways, I left the meat near the pig and went to sleep. You see, I had hoped that a Fleshgait would be attracted to the smell of meat and live pig. In my head, this was the greatest idea ever; even better than that time I tried to lure a serial killer out by chaining a stuffed animal out in the middle of a blizzard with a sign that said “living pony”.
Evidently though, this idea wasn’t quite what I thought it’d be. You see, when I awoke, I found a bear eating the meat and the pig missing. So my expectations were met in about the worst way possible because the bear proceeded to break my door down and tried to maul me. Luckily, I’m a unicorn, so I just vaporized it.
Okay, that’s a lie: I went to the hospital because I lost part of my ear. The bear was killed though. As for the bear, I later learned it was found playing in mud outside of Sweet Apple Acres. So don’t worry, dear animal loving ponies: the bear didn’t eat the pig. I have no idea where it is now, but I’m sure Fluttershy made good use of it.
Anyways, once I got out of the hospital, I decided to get right back to work, writing about flying heads without eyes, zebras with sixteen mouths, and books about cyberpunk board games. After that, I got back to work trying to lure a Fleshgait out to eat meat. I bought more meat and this time, I made sure it was rotten. You see, dear reader, Fleshgaits like rotten meat. Why? I don’t know, you tell me. I’m not someone who pays attention to the logistics of monsters than can transform into ponies.
I digress though! Once the meat had become rotten, I went outside and placed it beneath a big spotlight I bought (it only cost thirty-five bits apparently, though it was also from a pony in a trenchcoat in Canterlot, so who knows if he stole it). So anyways, once night came, I lay in waiting near my window. Alas, Daisy kept telling me to go to sleep, but I told her that this would make me rich, so she told me to not get killed. I told her I wouldn’t, but deep down: I knew I was likely going to die.
Won’t lie, it would’ve been a cool way to go out.
On the first night of this high-end experiment, I only had timberwolves wander onto my property. I just zapified them (which worked about as well as you could imagine to someone who’s now missing part of one ear). Once I’d recovered my dignity, part of a hoof, and paid my hospital bill, I went back to work and began night two.
On the second night of “Bizarre Symbols Does Big Brain Stuff”, I managed to lure out another bear. I just called animal control and Fluttershy tranquilized it; she asked why it smelled of death in my front yard and I told her the mafia had come by. She ran off and I wondered how long it’d be until the Friendly Bureau of inspectors came my way.
Once the big boys in dark suits asked why I had meat resting under a tree, I got to work on preparing for my third night. This time, I hammered down a big sign that said, “Please visit me, Fleshgaits”. This night, I saw something pale rush across my front yard and that was it. I later learned the local drunk was trying to break in and he’d urinated on my Daisy’s flowers.
So in short, dear reader: Fleshgaits are probably not easy to lure out and also, Though I do believe they are real. I mean, with so many reports from around the nation, I can’t deny that ponies must be seeing something. I mean, how else do you explain it? Collective psychosis? Nah, I don’t think so; I think there’s something out there. I just think they don’t want this kind of meat and by golly, I’m not going out there and murdering somepony!
Er, well, I’d say that’s where I’m going to draw this entry to a close before I start rambling anymore. I think it’s worth mentioning that not all stories in this issue are malevolent. There is one that’s quite uplifting and benevolent in nature. So turn the page as we continue our adventure down the morbidly named road.
Throughout her life, Princess Celestia had dealt with a great number of troubles. From banishing her sister to dealing with the internal strife of the spy she knew only as Youngster, her life was one of turmoil and grief. So it should come as no surprise that she’s been the center of several rumors, legends, and even mysteries.
Normally, I’d go over the various rumors and legends, but I’ve already personally been sued for libel once and let me tell you: it isn’t fun (even if I did win on the basis of dispensing sweet, sweet information to the general public). So instead, I’ll get into the story at hand today: that of what’s become known as the “Grotto of Eternal Sunset”.
This little story springs about twenty years after Princess Luna was banished. Ponies who went into the Everfree Forest would occasionally claim to have come across an area deep within it that was described as being “heavenly” and “unparalleled in beauty”. The distinct fact that always stood out though was that the area was always in sunset, even if it was the middle of the day. Exactly how this is, I must confess I could find absolutely no satisfactory theory on. Most just speculate it’s a magical spell that turns the nearby tree canopies into a sunset-like skybox (for those of you that play those fancy schmancy arcade games).
Anyways, the reason for the existence of this area is simple: the Grotto is (or was) utilized by Princess Celestia as a home away from home; a place she could go to to grieve over the banishment of Princess Luna and think about life. Realistically, it isn’t exactly going to blow anyone or anything away with how revolutionary it is that a beautiful location in nature is a place people go to. Though the Grotto is unique in the aspect of an eternal sunset. Many have wondered if maybe the theory of a magical skybox or something else isn’t the explanation and that the area is literally in a perpetual sunset.
That’s right, some folks out there believe the sun is always setting in the Grotto of Eternal Sunset. Big brain stuff, no? I think so, though is such a thing possible?
Uh, I doubt it?
I mean, unless the laws of everything we quite literally know about is wrong and there’s a tiny Sun floating around in the Everfree that isn’t causing everything in the immediate vicinity of everywhere on Equus to not burn alive, I guess it’s possible! Though otherwise, I doubt it, so why am I even talking about this? Oh right, I’m Bizarre Symbols and I write down my thoughts; that’s why people call me Bizarre.
Well, that and I draw symbols that summon things from Tartarus.
Anyways, let’s continue. The Grotto’s written documentation is really loose; given that the Everfree has a sordid reputation, where its precise location is isn’t known. All I know for certain is that it’s “deep” in the forest. It’s also said to not be that big; light beams in from above and the sky is orange in coloration. There’s also a small river that runs through the grotto with water that’s said to be the clearest on Equus.
In essence: oooh, Heaven is a place on Equus.
So anywayzzle, most ponies who’d stepped into the Grotto say that they felt compelled to leave, like somepony or something was ordering them out; like a strict mother. This is what led to most believing that the Grotto belonged to Celestia and has all but cemented it. Though that leads to a serious predicament. You see, while I’ve stated that it belongs to Celestia…
This has never been confirmed.
Yeah, I know, what a twist, though Celestia has never commented on the Grotto’s existence and nothing even ties it to her. It’s just the sudden appearance of it after Luna’s banishment and the fact most feel a stern mother’s presence. No one has ever seen Celestia near the Grotto and no one has ever found any indication that she created it. For all intents and purposes: Celestia’s connection to the Grotto is in a legend and a legend alone. As such, I’m contacting my lawyer right now.
Yes, Law Firm? Wait, I need to stop writing.
Anyway—I mean with that sai—let’s just get to the point: I found this story to be unbelievably fascinating because it’s quite unlike any I’ve written about. Aside from not involving somepony being run over by a train, mauled by a ten-legged polar bear, or aliens invading Canterlot to probe Celestia and Luna, it’s the tranquil image I get. Sure, I make it sound vague, but come on: the idea of a perpetual sunset is calming!
It was because of this nice image—and my contractual obligation to Enigmatic Equus—that I decided to go on an expedition to find the Grotto myself! So, after telling Daisy that I’d be back in about twenty minutes when I got bored, telling Tom that Josh wanted some sugar for his coffee, and getting my things together, I made my way off to the Everfree.
And sure enough, I got bored really quickly, so I stopped at Sugar Cube Corner and bought donuts. Then, the following day, Daisy and I went to the Everfree Forest together! We grabbed our things and made out into the wilderness, looking for a pretty little Grotto where we could camp.
The forest smelled of trash, death, and Fleshgait. Hastily, we made our retreat and went to a different area. It smelled a fair bit better, so we continued our search there. When the stench of Fleshgait reappeared, we decided it’d be better if we rented a Hot Air Balloon. So, after paying Pinkie Pie in cupcake wrappers, we began our search from above.
Pop.
Then the local flying ponies caused it to crash into the forest. After a brief hospital trip, I decided to just purchase a blunderbuss and fought off the local Fleshgait, blowing it into Kingdom Come. Wait, does all of these details about a Fleshgait mean I need to edit the previous page? Ah who cares, nobody ever reads this magazine.
N E Ways, once Daisy and I buried the body, we set up our camp about eight-hundred-and-fifty (haha, take that word count editor) deep into the forest. We also mapped our pathway in and marked it with various chunks of Fleshgait. I think some timberwolves ate it, but it could’ve been the other Fleshgaits. I don’t know, but I do know that dead Fleshgait smells about as good as living Fleshgait. The only difference is living Fleshgait moves and dead Fleshgait looks at you with dead eyes, kinda like your mother-in-law. Lucky for me, my mother-in-law lives several regions over because she’s in prison for arson.
Well, once Daisy and I had gotten snuggled in for the night and I shot a Fleshgait, Wendigo, Mothstallion, and Sasquatch, we decided we’d discuss our plans for the following day. We agreed we’d wander around, pretending that we understood exactly what we wanted to do; and so, the following morning, we made marshmallows and made love. Then we went looking for the Grotto.
It didn’t pan out like we wanted.
Aside from Fleshgaits knowing when you killed one of their own because their blood has a certain pheromone in it that attracts them, the Grotto was apparently spotted on the other side of Ponyville, so we had to make our way out of the Everfree Forest with a bunch of foul-smelling bipeds that scream like a Death Metal singer. It hurt my ears almost as much as a blunderbuss going off does. Oh well, not like I needed the one functioning ear anyway!
Once we broke through the forest clearing, I had to explain to Ponyville authorities why I was covered in blood and gore. Surprisingly, they believed me and let me go. Then a Fleshgait screamed and charged at us. We all ran away because I’d run out of ammo.
Then Pinkie Pie blew it away with her cannon.
After all of that, Daisy and I ran through Ponyville, getting more than a few strange looks, and eventually ended up on the other side. We made our happy way into the woods until we found a place to wash the blood off of me. Once that was done, we reestablished camp and went to sleep. Sure, it was only about eleven in the morning, but I was tired from the killing of Fleshgaits—and worrying that my editor would want me to rewrite the previous page. That’s way too much work and dang it, I have arcade games to play.
So at about three in the afternoon when the familiar smell of timberwolf-on-Fleshgait filled my nostrils, Daisy and I got to work looking around. We searched innawoods [Editor’s note: that isn’t a word; quit being denser than Osmium—also, what the heck happened to the tone of this page? Did you just give up?], beneath rivers, in fields of Poison Joke, and through random portals I found in the forest. Most of them led to Mars, but one of them led me into a place called Raccoon City. I gave some autographs and then got shot by a blonde guy.
Once the bullet was taken out, we continued our search for the next seven-and-a-half hours. Nonstop. My hooves ached by the time we settled down for the night, but we found nothing. The effects of the Poison Joke had started to take effect and while I wish I could say I grew wings so I could be like all of those foals that like to pretend their Alicorns, I instead turned orange instead of my natural normal beige coloration. Honestly not the worst thing that could have happened; Daisy turned into a Mapinguari.
Once I wrangled Daisy and got an elixir that fixed our problems, we resumed our search and I realized that I’d been writing all of this down as I explored the Everfree Forest. So I stopped until about three days later when we exited the forest without having seen any sort of Grotto. Indeed, there wasn’t a grotto in sight. I’d wasted about four days of my life looking around a hideous forest, writing down my internal thoughts as I slowly went mad from being out in a disgusting cesspool that’s somehow considered a natural location.
If I’m to be honest: I think this Grotto is a legend that masquerades as a mystery because people like the idea of a heavenly location here on Equus. While there are a plethora of beautiful locations, the Everfree Forest is as wretched as you can get without diving into a portapotty head-first. So I guess the mystery attracts a bit of wonder on its own merits. At the same time, I guess there is a desire to find out whether or not Celestia is even tied to the Grotto. Personally, I doubt it, I think it’s something else; the sunset aspect is likely a long lost magical spell from times of yore.
With that out of the way: please tell me via fanmail what you think the truth to the Grotto of Eternal Sunset is, dear reader, and please tell me how to permanently wash Fleshgait blood out of your fur. I’d really like to stop hearing tapping on my window at three in the morning. Also, be sure to turn the page to read about a fascinating mystery centering on King Sombra.
