Dog Racing for Idiots
Twilight Sparkle and Spike were on their daily morning walk as Spike excitedly led the way. “Slow down a bit Spike. I know you want to get to the park...”
“Squirrels, squirrels, squirrels!” He said enthusiastically as he yanked at the leash.
“We'll get there.” As they walked they noticed Snails lying on the ground, his arm stuck in a sewer grate. “Snails? What...are you doing?”
He turned his head slightly just to see Twilight's legs come into view. “I was trying to get this quarter out of here but my hand won't fit back out.” He tried to pull his hand that clutched the coin in it up only to once again not fit out. Twilight leaned down and looked at the simple solution.
“Maybe you should grab the quarter between two of your fingers and turn your hand sideways.” Snails took her advise and slipped his hand out with the coin. “There you go.”
Snails stood up and looked over the coin in his muck covered hand. “Awesome. Thanks Twilight.” He extended his filthy hand to Twilight who hesitantly reached griped it with two fingers and lightly shook it.
“Well we'd better get...” The two stopped as a delivery vehicle stopped close by them and the driver got out, holding what looked like a pet carrier and walked to a nearby home. He knocked on the door and waited as a familiar face to Twilight answered.
“Hello?” Sunny Flare said as she opened the door with a bland expression on her face.
“Package for you, ma'am.” The deliveryman said as Sunny looked down at the case he held and her expression immediately changed to one of pure ecstasy.
“Oh my gosh! I can't believe it's here!” She took the pen he offered and signed the papers on the clipboard. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
“Thank you miss...” He looked down at the signed papers. “Flags.”
Sunny was annoyed by the error in her name and it showed on her face. “That's Flare.” She snatched the carrier from his hands and slammed the door in his face as he walked off.
Twilight scratched her head. “Sunny's last name is Flare?”
Snails shook his head. “What a shame.” Soon the door opened back up and Sunny walked out with a leash in her hand. At the other end was a small blue furred dog. “Check out that cool dog.” Snails said as the two walked toward them.
Spike tried to sniff her only for the other dog to slightly nip at him and moved back and next to Sunny. “Rude.”
“Wow, what a specimen.” Twilight said.
“She is indeed,” Sunny said. “And I'd ask you keep your mongrel away from her. She's a purebred.”
Snails scratched his head in confusion. “A dog made of bread. What will they think of next.”
Sunny's annoyed frown almost grew more but she remembered the wrinkles that would come from it. “No, you simpleton. Purebred means she's of the highest pedigree. She even has her own papers.” She flashed the documentation in the faces of the other two. “Now if you'll excuse us, Ember here needs to start her training.”
“Training?” Twilight asked.
“For the annual Canterlot Toy Breed Obstacle Race. Ember will be winning this Sunday.” Sunny said confidently.
“Well I guess we can't enter that, Spike.” Twilight said as she rubbed his head. “Sunday's laundry day.”
Sunny jolted in disbelief of what she heard. “No, Twilight. You can't enter Spike because Spike is a mutt.”
“Hey,” Twilight interrupted. “What makes you think we couldn't win that race?”
The Crystal Prep student once again waved the pedigree document in Twilight's face. “Papers.”
Snails leaned down to read it. “Hmm. Property of Sunny...Flapper.”
Sunny pulled the papers back. “That's Flags...I mean Flare! Come on, Ember.” She led her dog away from the group.
“I can't believe Sunny thinks her dog is better than you, Spike.”
“I know it's hard to believe. I'm pretty awesome.” He said while he scratched himself.
“Are you thinking what I'm thinking?” She asked.
“Yeah!” Snails answered. “I should get a dog and enter it in that race and beat Sunny.” He raced off leaving the two.
“Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Spike?”
“Squirrels?”
“No no. I was thinking of entering you in that race and beating Sunny's dog.” She led spike back to the house and emerged wearing sweats. “We'll be starting our training now, ladies. I call you a lady to demean and humiliate you. It's a motivational tool Rainbow Dash taught me.
Elsewhere
Indigo Zap was walking down the street before she stopped abruptly. “Huh. I don't know why but I think I'll kick Twilight's butt tomorrow.”
Twilight's House
She and Spike were out back in her shed as she worked at a lab table. “This is Bulk Bicep's special formula. Mass powder for muscle growth, raw eggs for obligatory movie reference and nails for toughness.” She added all the ingredients into glass beaker with liquid inside it that immediately melts and melds everything together.
“You want me to....” Spike mutters.
“Of course I expect you to drink this. It's guaranteed to help you win tomorrow.” She turned in his direction with the concoction only to find the pet door swinging back and forth rapidly. “Wow, impressive time.”
“Hey, Twilight.” Snails head popped through the window. “Check out my new dog I bought from Trixie. I call him Mason.” He held up a plain red brick.
“Uh Snails, your dog is a brick.”
“Yeah thanks, I now. He's built like a wall. See you at the big race.” He departed, completely oblivious to the fact that his “dog” wasn't real, as Twilight walked back into the house and saw that Spike had gorged himself on dog treats and was asleep on his back.
“At this rate Mason's a bigger contender than Spike.” She rolled up her sleeves and put a leash on Spike. “Okay, we are starting some serious training right now.” She drug him outside and onto the sidewalk in front of the house. “Let's start with some sprints. On your marks. Get set. Go, Spike, go!” She jumped excitedly and cheered the dog on, only realizing seconds later he'd gone back in the house.
Twilight found him planted in front of the television. “Haha. I love that part with the squirrel and the freeway.”
“Come on, Spike. You have to start training if you want to win tomorrow.”
Through an open window, Sunny Flare popped her head in. “Don't even bother. That mongrel mutt doesn't stand a chance against Ember.”
“Excuse me,” The two looked up to see Snails head in a window that was inexplicably placed above the one Sunny was using. “I think you're forgetting who the real winner will be: My dog.” He brought out Mason.
“Kid, that's a brick.” Sunny attempted to explain.
“Thanks, I know. He's built like a wall.” He said confidently.
“Hey, what are you standing on anyway.” Outside the window, Snails had used her shoulders as a stepping stool to reach his current location. Sunny rolled her eyes before turning her attention back to Twilight. “Forgetting that regrettable exchange and your families questionable window placement, I wouldn't even bother showing up tomorrow, Sparkle.” She left, causing Snails to fall.
“My dog's really gotten Sunny scared, huh?”
Twilight picked up Spike and walked off. “Sorry Snails, but Spike and I have some serious work to do.”
Snails pointed an accusing finger at her. “You can run but you can't hide Sparkle!”
“Uh Twilight, maybe we don't have to do this.” Spike said hesitantly as she placed him on the ground.
“Hush, Spike. I'll show Sunny that I can win this.” She said with determination.
“Um, don't you mean me?”
Twilight seemed to ignore Spike as she blew her whistle and set him on a series of rigorous exercise to make him ready for the big event the next day. She ran him through home made obstacles, had him swim laps in a kiddie pool, and raced on a tread mill for hours. Come the next day, the poor dog was exhausted from the workout as he and Twilight jogged to the auditorium where the event was being held. “Come on, Spike. We're going to be late for the start.” They quickly made their way to the rear doors and showed the paperwork to gain access to the obstacle area as the announcer made the opening remarks as the crowd was seated and cheering as the competitors took positions.
“Hello, ladies and gentlemen, This is Flash Sentry welcoming you to the 23rd annual Toy Breed Obstacle Challenge. And what a great turn out for this sport of kings of which I am a huge fan. Seriously though, I'm just a fan. I was on my way to my seat, the door was open...” He was interrupted as the real announcers, Kiwi Lollipop and Supernova Zap, better known as K-Lo and Su-Z of PostCrush showed up.
“Hey! What are you doing in here?!” Kiwi shouted as Flash quickly exited the booth through the opposite side and the two angrily took their seats, alongside Su-Z's dog, Princess Thunder Guts. “Sorry about that folks. Now let's get things started!”
“Definitely, K-Lo.” Su-Z announced as her dog sat in her lap. “And we have a very special guest to start off the show.” On the ground floor, Ms. Harshwhinny stood in front of a microphone and cleared her throat before speaking.
“Ladies and gentlemen. Here to light the torch of good sportsmanship, help me in welcoming the Obstacle Challenge's first ever champion, Lightning Larry Luciano!” An accompanying band played as an old chihuahua, carrying a small lit torch in a satchel on his side slowly began to make his way to the stand where the larger torch pedestal stood. The crowd erupted in cheers.
“I can't believe it!” K-Lo announced excitedly. “Lightning Larry Luciano, a living legend.” The band continued to play as the dog shuffled along.
“I'll say.” Su-Z said as she sat up in her seat. “Listen to that crowd. They are going absolutely nuts for Larry. He's almost there.”
30 Minutes Later
The dog was still soldiering on to make it to the pedestal as many in the audience had dosed off, the band was struggling to continue playing and the announcers had long since lost their fervor for the spectacle. Despite this, Su-Z was still giving her best play-by-play through her yawns. “He's almost a quarter of the way there.”
Ms. Harshwhinny looked down at her watch and raced over, grabbed the dog and rushed him over to the pedestal to ignite the flame. “The torch is lit! Let the race begin!” The crowd immediately awoke and began to cheer in earnest. On the obstacle starting line, Twilight and Spike stood ready as Sunny and Ember stood next to them.
“Well, Sparkle. I must say I'm impressed. I didn't think your mongrel mutt would even find the starting line. Congratulations!” She joked as Twilight stood annoyed.
“Ha, good one Sunny.” Snails said as he and Mason assumed the third position with Snips acting as his second, with a towel draped over his shoulder. Soon the official, wearing a white and black striped shirt walked up and unintentionally frightened the boy. “Ah! A burglar!”
Twilight walked over to calm him down. “No, Snails. That's the official.”
“We're all ready to start here folks.” He said as everyone got ready.
Sunny got down on one knee to encourage her dog. “Alright, Ember. Let's show these common junkyard dogs what superior breeding is all about.” The dog gave an acknowledging yip.
“Alright, Spike. Listen here, you're the underdog. Everybody's already counting you out. Now let's get out there and win this thing, so we can rub Sunny's big fat nose in it!” Twilight's words seemed to fall on deaf ears as Spike was far too tired to have heard any of it.
At the end was Snails as he “massaged” his “dog”. “This is what you've been training for Mason! This is why we're here!”
The official stood on the line with a flag at the ready. “On your marks...Get set....Race!” He quickly waved the flag as Ember bolted to her assigned set of obstacles as Sunny watched.
“And there goes #1 racing off the starting line and leaving the other two competitors in the dust!” Su-Z called out as Spike was barely on his legs and Mason was, well...a brick. Twilight was immediately alarmed and ran up to Spike.
“Spike, what are you doing?! You let Ember take the lead. Come on, mister. Move it! Now, Spike! Now! Now! Now!” She shouted as the dog slowly began to make his way on the course.
“And #2 is on his way folks. Hang on. He doesn't look so good.” K-Lo said as they watched Spike struggle over the first bridge obstacle as he shakily crossed the beam while Twilight shouted louder.
“Not good enough Spike. Not good enough!”
Meanwhile, Mason was still on the starting line as Snails gave words of encouragement. “It's okay, Mason. You go when you feel like it.”
Twilight continued to yell as Spike attempted to navigate the tunnel. “Come on, Spike. Faster!”
“I do not like the looks of this, folks.” K-Lo said as Su-Z covered her dog's eyes as Spike stumbled through the hurdles. “That coach is pushing that dog way too hard.” The purple dog finally crashed at the end as several wood boards from the hurdle portion fell on top of him. This instinctively snapped Twilight out of her rage as her face changed to one of concern. “Oh no! Looks like #2 has had a bit of a mishap.”
Spike didn't let it stop him as he drug himself forward on his front paws.“Oh, and the poor creature is still going for it.” Su-Z added, still covering Princess Thunder Guts' eyes.
Twilight was nervous as she watched him go on. “Um, Spike. You can stop now or take a break if you really want to.” He didn't seem to heed her words as he made his way to the pool section and fell in, struggling to stay afloat before sinking in. “Nooo!” She raced out as Sunny laughed in triumph. Twilight reached in and pulled the tired dog out.
“One of the coaches just aided their dog. That is an immediate disqualification.” K-Lo announced.
“Can you blame her?” Su-Z stated. “He'd taken way to much punishment in there. Honestly, I don't ever remember this obstacle course being so dangerous.”
“Whatever the case. It looks like #1 has this challenge in the bag.”
“Come on, Ember! It's all you, baby!” Sunny called out as Twilight tended to her dog.
“Oh Spike, why didn't you tell me I was pushing you too hard?” He whispered in her ear. “You did? Oh Spike, why didn't you tell me I was deaf from ambition?” He whispered to her again. “You did? Oh Spike, please be okay!” Her cries caught the attention of Ember, who was only feet from the finish line as she turned around and raced to the two, alarming Sunny who ran out alongside her.
“Ember, what are you doing? Ember? You turn your little tail around right now and win this race, little lady. I'm ordering you.” She was soundly ignored as Ember approached Spike, the latter perking up as the two sniffed each other, with Twilight looking on in astonishment.
“Well folks, I have to say I've never seen this before.” K-Lo said as she was in as much amazement as everyone. “It seems Ember, the leader, just went back to comfort Spike.”
Su-Z was in tears at the act as the audience resounded with awes of their own. The two dogs promptly walked off together. “Well it looks like you and I are in-laws, Sunny.” Twilight said as she patted a jaw-dropped Sunny Flare on the back.
“But if Ember didn't win, then who....”
Just then Su-Z made an excited announcement over the loud speaker. “And the winner is...Mason!” The two turned to see the official waving the flag over the finish line where Mason sat as Snails cried tears of joy and the crowd erupted in another round of applause.
Sunny stood there in sheer disbelief as her eye twitched. “I can't believe that my purebred, which cost me three thousand dollars, lost to a brick. My dad's gonna kill me.”
Snails walked up with the he golden trophy. “Don't worry, Sunny. I know how badly you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.” He handed it to her.
“Gosh, Snails. Thanks.” She looked it over and read the engraving. “1st Place Toy Breed racing trophy presented to Sunny....Fondue?!” She lowered the trophy in disappointment. “Will I ever win?” Her mood changed as the three had a good long laugh about the whole thing.
A few seconds into their laughter, Indigo Zap leaped down from the stands and kicked Twilight square on her butt and into the doggy pool, shocking the others. “That's for yesterday, Sparkle!”