What would you do if you woke up surrounded by ponies--who wanted to do tests on you?
When Nelly, a girl of young age and elder mind, is transported to Equestria, it isn't the one she was expecting. Princess Celestia is a tyrannical mad scientist who brings humans to Equestria, conducts experiments, then does something horrible to them. (It's not raping...why would you think that?) Twilight Sparkle, still her faithful student, helps with all this, however unwittingly. But the most horrible thing of all is that nopony know what friendship is. In a utilitarin-futuristic Equestria, will Nelly be able to escape the wrath of Celestia? Find out in...Test Subject!
Rated Teen for language. Nothing else, folks; this is by no means a clopfic.
Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! Beep! *CRASH* “Damn!” I got off the floor, where I had fallen after trying to reach my alarm clock, and searched frantically through my closet. “School picture day. I HAD to sleep in on SCHOOL PICTURE DAY!”
I threw up my hands in disgust at myself. God, today of all days, I had to hit the snooze button. Well, to be fair, I DID stay up all night watching My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic on my iPod. I’ve had some close calls doing that. For instance, my dad once came in to close my window, and I barely managed to hide the glow in time. But that’s beside the point. The point is that today was school picture day, and I had completely forgotten to prepare an outfit the previous night.
My alarm clock was still beeping, and in frustration I added a couple of ‘beeps’ myself. Finally I spotted it. “Aha!” There lying on the floor of my closet was a multicolored thigh-length tunic, right next to a pair of jeans that I had overlooked before. I snatched up the outfit, pulling off my pajamas and putting on the clothes, along with (of course) some, ah, undergarments. I tried to open my door, but it was locked.
“Wait…what?” I pulled at the knob and pounded my fist against the wooden portal. Suddenly, the whole wall retracted into the ceiling, revealing a glass window looking into a room. That room was full of……No. Nooo way. That’s not possible, I said to myself.
That room was full of ponies. Ponies of all colors and sizes. There were unicorns, pegasi, and...what were they called? Oh yeah, earth ponies. Right now, almost all the ponies were recoiling in horror, except for one……Princess Celestia.
“Princess! You have to save me! I’ve been trapped in here, and I need your help! ”
“How interesting,” she mused. “It seems to think that I have authority over things such as ‘helping’…” She turned to a familiar-looking purple unicorn, which looked up with a start. “Twilight Sparkle!”
“Y-yes, Your Majesty.” Twilight Sparkle bowed her head, then looked at a piece of parchment she held in her magical grip and began rattling off facts about me. “This subject is most interesting. Its brain patterns and speech centers are extremely similar to ours, but its body is very different. For example, it walks on its hind legs all the time and uses its front legs to do various things, many of which require the assistance of ‘fingers.’” Twilight looked up and glanced at me—almost apologetically.
“What are these ‘fingers’ you speak of?” Celestia looked my way. “Show me.”
Feeling both afraid and annoyed at the alicorn, I challenged her. “Why should I?”
The princess’s eyes narrowed. Her horn glowed with magic, and I heard a small explosion. I turned to see my alarm clock blown to ashes. Well, that pretty much screws resisting, I thought. Trembling slightly, I held up my fingers.
All of the ponies gasped and began scribbling furiously, the unicorns using their magic, the rest using their mouths to hold their quills. For effect, I wiggled my fingers around and picked things up. Over the next fifteen minutes, I did things with my hands that I never thought of doing before. I made a peace sign, the Vulcan greeting, the Spiderman web-shooting hand pose, and crossed my fingers. None of these took any effort, but they were well-received. The pony scientists (yes, by now I knew they were scientists) whooped and stamped their front hooves on the ground, making a clapping noise. I hadn’t impressed anyone this much in…well, ever. Even Princess Celestia seemed interested. Finally she stomped her hoof, and all was silent.
“This specimen is very informative,” she said. Was it just me, or was there a note of approval in her voice? “For the time being, put it with the others.”
“Yes, of course,” replied Twilight.
My grin faded. I was still an ‘it.’ Oh well, since I was being put with the others, I’d better change into something more approp—Wait a minute.
“Hold on,” I interrupted. “How long have I been here? Did—did you see me change clothes?”
“It’s asking a question,” whispered the ponies. “What should we do?”
Twilight cleared her throat. “Answer it, of course.” She turned to me. “To answer your first question: since midnight. We had an exact copy of your room already prepared, so all we had to do was find a spell to bring you through the dimensional curtain that separates our worlds and conduct experiments.”
I carefully kept my face expressionless as both confusion and understanding rocketed through my brain. “And my second question?”
“Well, um, that answer is yes. Sorry about that,” Twilight said.
Well, fuck. Once ponies saw you naked, there's nothing you can do to retrieve your pride.
“Twilight!”
Twilight looked up with a start. “Yes, Your Majesty?”
“We must go now. As I said, put it with the others. However,” said Celestia with a gleam in her eye, “have it prepared for treatment in half an hour.”
Twilight’s eyes widened. “T-treatment? But Your Majesty, I thought you said it was informative!”
“Oh yes, I did say that, didn’t I? Well, then.” Suddenly, a hair from my head was yanked out by magic.
“Ow!” I rubbed my head. “What the hell was that about?”
The hair was dropped into a small tube which protruded from the base of the window. Moments later, the hair appeared inside the observation room, as I have suddenly decided to call it. Celestia lifted it up and nodded. “This will do. You may all be dismissed. Twilight,” she called. “I revoke part of my last command. Prepare it for treatment immediately!” Celestia walked out of the observation room, followed by the scientists.
Twilight gulped. She pressed a button with her hoof, and my room folded up and disappeared. The room I was in was made out of what appeared to be steel. There was a door some feet away.
Every pony in the observation room had filed out. Twilight entered the steel chamber I was in and beckoned for me to follow her.
“Come with me. I'm afraid we have some work to do.”
As Twilight led me down stainless steel corridors, a billion and one thoughts were jamming themselves into my head. Why is Equestria like this? What's this Treatment they're talking about? And why, in the name of God, is Celestia so un-Celestia? Ooh, I know! Discord's back! That must be it.
However, as we turned a corner, I saw through a window the ol' draconequus sitting in a pink fluffy throne in a steel room, similar to the one I was previously in. A shimmery, seemingly very powerful green spell enveloped Discord and his chair. He was absentmindedly turning his own foot into a chicken repeatedly. Well then, I guess that's not it.
Twilight and I arrived at a door. Suddenly, as Twilight inserted her horn into a circular lock in the middle of the door, I realized that there were no spells or restraints preventing me from escaping! I was practically free already! I carefully sidled back the way we came, and then burst into a sprint.
I heard a "Hey!" from behind me, then a magical flash. I turned around, but Twilight was gone. I prepared to start running again, but there was Twilight, blocking my path.
Shit. I forgot that unicorns could teleport. I backed away from her as she advanced, horn lowered. I wondered if she was going to make me into a magical shish kebab.
"Please move out of the way," was all she said. I did so, mentally wiping sweat off my brow. She resumed with her lock-opening. Finally, the door separated into two sections and retracted horizontally. Inside those doors was a prison cell.
My eyes took a second to adjust to the gloom. When they did, I couldn’t believe what they were telling me. The strictly logical part of me was saying, “That’s not possible!” My eyes were saying, “But it’s right in front of you!” My common sense added its two cents: “Eyes are right. Didn’t you see Celestia and a bunch of other ponies just a few minutes ago?”
For there in front of me were the remaining Element ponies.
They looked exactly as they did in the show, but way more grimy. Applejack’s hat was a much darker brown, no doubt from dirt. Fluttershy’s mane was tangled, with sticks and mud entwined within. Rarity was sobbing over the state of her hooves (which really weren’t that bad). Rainbow Dash was holding her wing at an odd angle, no doubt because of broken bones. Even Pinkie Pie seemed subdued. Although, mysteriously, she was dirt free, I could see why she looked so sad. The air of despair that rested like a raven upon each of the ponies’ shoulders was inescapable.
All sadness disappeared, however, once they saw Twilight. All five sprang up. Looking around carefully, Twilight closed the door. Immediately, the lights went out. I heard whispers from the ponies in the room, while I stood there like an idiot. Or, more accurately, a blind idiot.
“Is she the one?” That sounded like Rainbow Dash.
“I’m sure of it.” Twilight’s voice.
“Oh my, she must have been terrified. I feel so bad for her.” That was Fluttershy.
“You know, just for the record, I’m still scared,” I called into the darkness.
“Ya think we should turn th’ lights on, Rarity?” said Applejack’s voice.
“Oh! Of course!” I saw a flicker of blue magic, and the lights flickered back on, with unusual strength this time.
“Gah!” Coming out of pure darkness into white light is a bit painful. I experienced it firsthand, and reacted by throwing my arms over my eyes. “My God! Turn those lights down!” I managed to say.
“Sorry, darling. I was just so excited about you being the one and all, and my magic got carried away, so—”
“That’s fine, Rarity. Just—turn them down, please. A little bit.” Hell, if this was Rarity’s magic when she was weakened by time spent in a dungeon, who knows what she could do in everyday life?
Rarity finally turned the lights down. My arms were relieved of their duties as protection, and I looked around the room. It was not as dirty as I’d thought. It was hung with streamers and decorated with photos of Ponyville. However, there were obviously living spaces arranged. Clearly, none of these ponies had ever had any contact with each other before coming here. That, above all things, made no sense.
“So. What the hell is going on here, and why? I’m a MLP fan, but fuck! This is nothing like the show.” I crossed my arms and leaned backwards, hoping that there was a wall behind me. There wasn’t.
FWUMP! I landed on something soft and blue. I looked down to see Rainbow Dash, supporting my weight as best she could. “Wow, thanks, Rainbow Dash,” I said. She winked at me. “No problem, kid,” she replied. Once I had regained my balance, she returned to the huddle of ponies looking at me.
“So, for the last time. What. The. Hell. Is going on?!”
“What’s that word you keep saying?” asked Fluttershy.
“What, ‘hell?’ It’s nothing, don’t worry about it. Something we humans say. But REALLY! What is going on?”
Suddenly, I heard hoofsteps coming towards the door. Oh shit. I just remembered that I was supposed to be in Treatment.
Twilight barred the door magically. “It won’t stop them for long,” she said. “I have to do it now. This might feel weird for a second,” she said to me. “Don’t panic.”
“Wait, what—”
BOOM!
I was encased in a cocoon of purple light. I tried not to panic, but I couldn’t help it. God, what I wouldn’t give for a copy of The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. (1) Something was happening, and I didn’t enjoy it.
My limbs were getting shorter and thicker. My body bent at the waist so that my hands rested on the ground. No, not hands…hooves. My clothing disappeared, but thankfully, so did my, ah, intimate parts. My head adjusted so my eyes were now on different sides of my face. I felt my eyes getting wider, and my mouth getting smaller. My skin turned dandelion yellow, and my hair changed color so that it was now indigo and pink. Something felt weird in the back, and as I turned, I realized that it was a tail.
The purple cocoon disappeared, and I was left sitting on the ground in a very awkward position. I was stunned; I couldn’t do anything other than think one phrase.
Fuck. I’m a pony.
(1) For those who have never read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams, there is a device a bit like an e-reader of the same name as the novel. On the cover, in large, friendly letters, are the words Don't Panic.
As I looked down at my ponified self, I realized that I was not gasping from fear or passing out in shock. At least, the myths-and-fairy-tales-and-all-that-other-crap-is-real part of me wasn’t. My logic centers, however, had completely shut down from the utter disbelief that was currently failing to pass through my head. That doesn’t make any sense, does it? Oh well.
“What? No horn or wings?” was all I could say. Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.
“Twilight Sparkle! How goes the Treatment?” The voice was gruff and somehow familiar. It put me in the mind of a nightclub bouncer.
“Oh, um, it goes, uh, well,” stuttered Twilight. She poked me in the side with her horn.
“Ow!” Thank God my voice was the same.
“Very well. Iron Will shall take his leave,” said the voice outside. The footsteps receded.
Iron Will! The minotaur responsible for creating Flutterfemaledog. I couldn’t believe it. Well, I could, actually. Working for a tyrant seemed like his dream job. Or did it? I was still disoriented from the transformation.
The ‘Mane 6’ gathered around me. “Bravo, Twilight,” said Rarity. “A work of art. Almost as perfect as my dresses, in fact!”
“Will you quit it about your dresses?” snapped Rainbow Dash. “We get it! You design clothes!”
“Would y’all just shut up?” Applejack said. “This pony here looks like she’s got somethin’ t’ say.”
I stared around at them all in wonder. “Hey, aren’t you guys all supposed to be friends? Isn’t that why the subtitle of the show is ‘Friendship is Magic?’”
“What are…friends? What’s friendship?”
Then I passed out from shock.
* * *
I shot up like a rocket forty-two seconds later, consciousness generously granted back to my head.
“You can’t be serious.”
“I am,” replied Fluttershy. Then she turned away timidly. “I-if that’s okay with you, that is.” Then I saw her cutie mark--or rather, a lack of one.
“Oh, my God!” I forgot all about friendship once I saw her flank.
Fluttershy gave a start. “Oh, no. I-I’m sorry for disappointing you. It’s just—”
“No, it’s not that! What happened to your cutie mark?” I pointed at the spot where the symbol of talent was supposed to be. That spot was utterly and completely blank.
“Oh, that. Thank goodness. I thought you would be mad at me,” whispered Fluttershy. “Well, when we were fillies, you see, um, we, uh, we didn’t get a chance to—”
“Ooh! I want to tell her!” piped up Pinkie Pie. She sprung over to where I was still sitting. She plopped down in front of me and started talking so fast I could barely follow her.
“Well, you see, when we were little fillies, Equestria was all nice and colorful! I like colors, don’t you? You can’t have a party without colors! Otherwise, it wouldn’t be a party, more like a room filled with boring! Boring isn’t very good; it’s all gray and yucky. Ponyville got really, really, really, really boring after Princess Celestia came along and sucked all the color out of nearly all of Equestria! After that, everyone was all bored and sad, so I decided I needed to make them smile! So I threw a huge party for everypony everywhere in Ponyville! I had some ponies come down from Filliedelphia, Baltimare, and Detrot City, but they didn’t have very much fun, I don’t think, and when just a couple ponies aren’t having fun, well, that just about makes everypony else un-fun! So nopony liked my party except me. I don’t know why they didn’t like my party. I mean, I made good cupcakes for everypony, but I guess they wanted to be sad or something. So then after my party Princess Celestia came in with a bunch of mean-looking guards and used my own party cannon to shoot me to Canterlot! Then I ended up here in the dungeon. It’s a really science-y dungeon, you know.” Pinkie beamed at me. “Did that help?”
“Uh…” Honestly, I was so confused by now that I had no idea what I had just heard.
“I…don’t think that helped, Pinkie,” Twilight said. She looked as confused as I did. “Basically, Celestia can see the future. She changed events in the past to prevent the circumstances in which foals got their cutie marks, even for older mares and stallions.”
“Oh.” Now I understood. “But wait, doesn’t that mean none of you have cutie marks?”
“Unfortunately, it does,” said Twilight. She turned so I could see her flank. The other ponies did the same.
They were all blank. Not a patch or splotch or even a dot broke the perfect continuity of the ponies’ fur color.
I couldn’t believe it. Then I remembered that I was a pony too, and quickly looked at my hip. Nothing was there. What kind of awful tyrant would do something like this to these poor ponies?
I was getting madder and madder. I burst out, “We have to stop Celestia!”
The rest of the ponies looked at me blankly. “Uh, jus’ why would we do somethin’ like that?” said Applejack. "We aren't exac'ly friends, ya know."
I didn’t hear her. I was already running out the door. The good news is, the door was open. The bad news is that it was opened by a certain minotaur.
I backed away nervously as Iron Will advanced. “Iron Will is here to collect the human!” he barked. Then he looked around, noticing the absence of a human.
“Where has the human gone? Iron Will must know!” he demanded.
“Uh, I think she ran out of the building,” I squeaked. Iron Will sure could be scary when he wanted to. Then again, he WAS an instructor that was supposed to make people more assertive. I guess he practiced what he preached.
The minotaur narrowed his eyes. “Nice try,” he sneered. “I know it’s you. You can’t fool me! I AM IRON WILL!”
Yipes. Guess that plan’s screwed.
Iron Will picked me up off the floor. I realized that none of the other ponies were even bothering to look at me, much less help me.
“Guys!” I yelled. “Aren’t you going to help me?” I struggled to get out of Iron Will’s viselike grip. Not surprisingly, I couldn’t. I remembered I had a tail, and swished it in the monster’s face in a desperate attempt to make him sneeze or something and drop me. No dice.
The other ponies looked at the floor sheepishly. Not even Rainbow Dash, the element of loyalty, attempted to do anything.
“Fine, then,” I said. “I’ll just go get sliced open and operated on. Thanks so much for your help.” Next thing I knew, the six ponies were getting farther away as I was carried under the arm of the cobalt minotaur through the halls to my doom. I was too tired from the utter confusion that had happened in the last half an hour to stay conscious any longer. I fell into a dark void of sleep.
* * *
“Hey! Wake up!”
I was slapped across the face by a none-too-gentle palm. I opened my eyes drowsily, trying to make out the blur that was in front of me. Then my eyes focused, and I saw an operating table, surrounded on all sides by so many sharp objects I didn’t even bother to count them. The large laser directly above said table, however, woke me right up.
“No way am I getting sliced open like an apple! I prefer having all four limbs!”
Iron Will chuckled. “Too bad,” he said. Still carrying me under his arm, he put me on the table and held my arms and legs (or should I say four legs) in the classic I’m-cuffed-to-the-table-like-James-Bond-in-that-one-movie pose. Sure enough, cuffs appeared from nowhere. Now I was really trapped, and no matter how I struggled, I couldn’t get out of the bonds.
Iron Will started up the laser. He aimed it at my forehead. “Princess Celestia wants to get some valuable information about humans, and she knows just the way. When we have your thoughts, we can learn all about them and their ways, and more specifically, their weapons.”
“What?”
“Oh yeah.” He left the room chuckling.
The laser got brighter and brighter as I struggled to get out of my bonds. It began humming with very high intensity. I feared I would not be able to escape.
Then the laser exploded.
***AUTHOR'S NOTE***
Why did the laser explode? What happened to the human-turned-pony? What is up with Equestria? Well, I think you have enough imagination to find out those answers for yourself.
Due to the large Improbability Field surrounding my computer, the plot is going nowhere and the characters and scenarios are melting away into the sixth dimension. Also, large bananas with boxing gloves are popping out of the printer and eating any and all interesting things in this story. Therefore, I am cancelling it, and starting a new one with an entirely different plot. Hint: Live long and prosper.