Dignity Ablates During Re-Entry
When Cadance stepped off the train, the platform had been cleared all the way to the far end of the line of crystal carriages, where a line of reporters was being held back by guards, far away enough that Cadance couldn’t make out exactly what questions they were yelling. She smiled and waved to them.
Princess Celestia’s personal assistant was there to greet her, a grey earth pony who seemed to have a clipboard permanently affixed to her hoof. Raven Inkwell had been serving since the previous secretary had retired and Twilight Sparkle’s first day as Celestia’s student. He hadn’t taken well to the stress of managing two extremely powerful and irresponsible ponies.
“Thank you for coming so quickly,” Raven said. The bags under her eyes were a full set of luggage heavy with what she’d seen. “I didn’t know who else to turn to.”
Cadance offered her a smile, the guards moving with them as they started walking towards the palace. “When you said Princess Celestia was in trouble I came right away. What can I do to help?”
She’d half-expected to see the city on fire, ponies in a panic, the kind of terrible disaster that only happened once or twice a year. When they got out of the station, it was surprisingly calm, without a single conquering tyrant or terrible monster to be seen.
“I’m actually a little excited,” Cadance said. “Twilight’s always talking about how thrilling it is to fight cosmic-level threats, and I’ve gotten so much experience with Flurry Heart that I feel ready for anything!”
The reporters were able to get closer here, and she finally heard the questions they were shouting past the golden-armored guards.
“What does ‘princest’ mean?” Cadance asked.
Raven sighed and stopped at the door long enough to rub her eyes.
“You’ll see,” she said. “I’m sorry.”
Cadance stared with wide-eyed horror.
“I wasn’t ready for this,” she whispered.
Luna’s tongue played along the ivory spiral of Celestia’s horn, slowly dipping from ridge to ridge and leaving a trail all the way from the base to the tip, a string of saliva connecting her lips to the spire as she pulled away, like the red string of fate that connected the sisters.
“Luna,” Celestia said, carefully. “I am very happy to see you too, but we are in the middle of Court.”
About a hundred ponies stared at the throne in silence, eyes wide. Several of them had the good sense to look at paperwork, their own hooves, or really anywhere other than Celestia, and she marked them for immediate promotion.
“Let them watch,” Luna whispered. She pressed her body against Celestia’s, her coat cold, like she’d been standing in the snow and had just stepped inside to get warm.
Celestia gasped as her sister’s mouth found her ear, teeth delicately nibbling along the edge and leaving a tingling fizz like mint and melting frost. It was impossible to resist closing her eyes and leaning into the exquisite attention.
“We’ve been apart for so long.” Luna nipped at the very tip of Tia’s ear. “We belong together.”
“Highnesses,” Raven coughed. She was nearly as close to Celestia as Luna was, though in a professional sense instead of every other meaning of the term. “Could this perhaps wait until after the tax reform vote?”
“Tax reform?” Luna asked, recoiling with a look of undisguised disgust.
“Yes. Before your return we spent years trying to push these deals through,” Raven said. “This was the third meaningful vote to try and choose between the eight tax reform plans that had been narrowed down from-”
Luna huffed and turned away, her wing held high in a motion of sweeping disdain. “I can’t believe you’d ruin the mood like that, Tia. Trying to trick me into taking you in the middle of taxes. You’re perverted!”
She walked away, tail hiked to let her sister see what she was missing.
In the end, none of the tax bills passed.
“So somepony asked me to check on you about, um,” Cadance coughed. “Your love problem.”
“I suppose I should have told you sooner,” Celestia said. “You are the expert, after all.”
Cadance nodded, her cheeks even pinker than usual.
“Love is something I struggled with my whole life.” Celestia’s fork hovered in front of her mouth, surrounded by a blue aura. She obediently opened wide, closing her eyes and bobbing her head down on the fork, taking the bite of cake into her mouth and sucking the tines clean before pulling back.
“I can’t- I can’t imagine why,” Cadance said. “How long has this been going on?”
“How long has what been going on?” Celestia asked.
“You have a little on your cheek,” Luna said. She kissed Celestia’s neck.
Celestia smiled. “I thought it was on my cheek?”
“My aim is terrible,” Luna said. “Let me try again.”
She pulled Celestia closer, planting small kisses along her jawline, working her way to her sister’s face. Her dark eyes met her sister’s bright garnets, twinkling with mischief.
“From here, I can see a spot…” she pressed closer. “...on your lips.”
They came together softly, with the slow joy of sipping a delicate wine. It was a slow and familiar motion like the tides rolling in and out, first one moving, then the other.
It was beautiful, even to Cadance, who was trapped on the other side of the table, caught between a rock and a hard place, where the metaphorical rock was the awkwardness of watching two sisters make out and the hard place was exactly the same thing except erotic instead of awkward.
“All better?” Celestia asked, when Luna pulled away.
“For now,” Luna said. “But I might have to try a few more times to make sure.”
“So!” Cadance coughed. “You said you were having problems? Love problems? Because it sure doesn’t seem like it!”
“Well the truth is, I haven’t had a special somepony in centuries,” Celestia said.
“It’s true,” Luna confirmed. “I can’t remember the last time I saw her with a stallion.”
Cadance watched as Luna crawled into her big sister’s lap, curling up like a cat grown three sizes too large.
“Do you think there might be a reason for that?” Cadance asked.
“I worry I’ve lost touch with the common pony,” Celestia sighed. “They see me as this unapproachable icon instead of a pony with need and desires of her own.”
“I meant more that-- you realize Luna is literally giving you hickies right now, don’t you?”
“Is that what she’s doing?” Celestia tried to look down at her own neck.
“I am pretending to be a vampony,” Luna whispered. “I want to taste you~”
Celestia giggled. “Stop it, Luna, that tickles!”
“This might be why you’re having problems getting a date,” Cadance sighed.
“Because I’m ticklish?”
“Because you’re already taken!”
“Hm? Already taken? But I’m not seeing anypony.”
“Celestia you--” Cadance looked to the two royal guards in the room as if they might help her. The one closest to her gave a tiny, silent shrug of helplessness. “You really don’t… you don’t understand why ponies might think that?”
Celestia shook her head.
“Ah!” Luna gasped. “Wait, sister! I think I understand.”
“Yes, well, you do seem to understand at least the physical part of it,” Cadance said under her breath.
“You are immortal, sister. No doubt many of them think you have some ancient love whom you pine for!”
Celestia tittered, covering her mouth with a wing. “You can’t be serious, Luna!”
“Tis true! I found such a tale in a very popular book. I thought it was a biography of your student, from the title, but it was actually a tale of immortals possessed of ennui and discovering new love. It also had vampires.”
“That explains why you’re pretending to be one,” Celestia mused.
“You just have such a wonderful neck, sister. Of course, you have so many other parts that I’d love to kiss even more~”
“You know, I’m just going to-- I need to go write a quick letter!” Cadance said, standing up. She fled the room too late to avoid seeing more than she wanted to see of her aunt.
“Thank you for inviting me,” Twilight whispered.
“It’s less an invitation and more begging for help,” Cadance admitted.
“Don’t worry,” Twilight assured her. “I’ve been doing a lot of research into Saddle Arabian culture. Some of the details are fascinating! I’m hoping I have a chance to speak to the ambassador about their royal family - there are all these conflicting reports on the crown princess and her mystery suitor…”
“Twilight,” Cadance hissed. “This has nothing to do with Saddle Arabia!”
“But this is a diplomatic meeting with their ambassador!” Twilight said. “I thought this was about foreign policy! I spent an hour writing reports on imports and exports!”
“And they’re very thoughtful, but I need your help with… her.”
She nodded subtly to Celestia. To a casual observer, there was nothing obviously wrong. Somepony who knew the Princess well would have seen the tension in her jaw, the way she held her wings, the little signs that she was distracted by some pressing matter.
“Are you feeling okay, Princess?” Twilight asked.
“I’m fine, Twilight,” Celestia said, forcing herself to sit more naturally and smiling. “I’m glad you could join us.”
“It’s too bad your sister couldn’t join us,” the ambassador said, from the far side of the table. “Dinner was excellent, and these reports are… interesting.”
“Indeed,” his assistant said, the mare flipping through the pages. “I have never seen quite so many decimal places in one place.”
“Accuracy is important,” Twilight said.
“Of course,” the ambassador agreed. “But I am willing to admit I am not a fair enough accountant to evaluate them. I will pass them into the appropriate hooves after dessert.”
“Speaking of that,” Celestia said, brightening up. “I believe it’s time for just that. My staff makes excellent pastries, and I’m eager to see what they’ve come up with today.”
The maids started taking dirty plates away for the next course, and Twilight turned to Cadance, whispering under the noise.
“I don’t understand,” Twilight said. “What’s going on?”
Cadance smiled nervously. “Well, to be honest I was expecting--”
They stopped when a bell rang, and silver platters were brought out to the table. The platter in front of Celestia needed four maids to carry it, far larger than any of the other plates going around the table.
“What’s this?” Celestia asked.
“A special meal was prepared just for you, Princess,” the head maid said.
The cloche was lifted with a flourish.
“Oh no,” Cadance groaned. “That. That’s what I was expecting.”
Luna’s dark coat was covered in streamers of chocolate syrup so delicate and precise they were like sugared lace. Whipped cream dotted her in a constellation of sugary rosettes. A single cherry was impaled on the tip of her horn.
“We are told this is a traditional way to serve food,” Luna said. “As I said, sister, I had another engagement tonight. I am to be your dessert~”
Celestia smiled broadly. “Oh, Luna!”
“I don’t think that’s actually traditional anywhere,” Twilight said. She lifted the cover over her own plate, but was disappointed to find that there wasn’t anypony underneath.
“It used to be done by warriors after a successful battle,” Celestia said. “It was invented by earth ponies, so it is considered rude to use magic, and utensils are too dangerous once the wine begins flowing.”
“Indeed,” Luna agreed, smiling and trying to keep still, her tail starting to flag with excitement.
“Instead, one must use merely their lips and tongue,” Celestia said. She leaned closer, delicately licking a line of fudge from Luna’s ribs.
“Do you see why I called you?” Cadance hissed. “We need to do something!”
“Well, um,” Twilight swallowed, caught between her near-worship of the mare in front of her and the thousand pages of etiquette and rules she’d read on the train ride in. As always, her ability to cram for a test won out over her emotions.
Twilight took a deep breath.
“Princess,” she said. “That’s inappropriate in public!”
“No it isn’t,” Luna scoffed.
“It definitely is!” Twilight said. “I was reading Miss Manner’s Practical Pony Poise and it definitely said that displays of affection were against the rules!”
“Did it specifically mention licking whipped cream from your sibling’s thigh?” Luna asked.
“...Not exactly. It was sort of a general category.”
“Well it obviously wasn’t a very good guide if it didn’t even mention that,” Luna said. “What do you think, Cel-- oh! You naughty mare! You nipped me there on purpose! Do it again.”
“I can’t watch...” Cadance groaned, covering her face with her wings.
“It is just normal sibling affection,” Luna said. “You two do not have to be such prudes.”
“It is?” Twilight asked. “But-- Shiny never did anything like that with me!”
“Ah, well,” Luna said, shrugging minutely, careful not to move too much as Celestia worked her way down her belly, finding the pocket of vanilla pudding in her belly button. “You didn’t even know about his wedding until it was already arranged. Perhaps you’re not as close as I am with Tia.”
“We’re as close as siblings can be!” Twilight protested.
“Have you tried seducing him even once?” Luna countered.
“What?!” Cadance gasped.
“Well, no. But he never wanted to do that kind of stuff!”
“It’s never too late to start, Twilight Sparkle. You were recently able to rekindle friendships you had neglected here in Canterlot, were you not?”
“I was!”
“Then go, Twilight! Go and seduce your brother before it is too late!” Luna declared.
“I will!” Twilight yelled, jumping to her hooves and bolting from the room.
“Twilight, no!” Cadance yelled. “Why did you tell her to do that?!” She ran after her sister-in-law, fighting against the laws of physics and sorcery to race somepony who might remember she could teleport at any moment.
Luna watched them go, smiling with warm happiness. “It feels good to do a good deed-- oh~!” Luna gasped.
“Aha!” Celestia declared. “So that’s where you hid the banana!”
The Saddle Arabians watched, slowly eating their own desserts.
Finally, one turned to the other.
“Do we have a trade agreement for Equestrian fruit?” the Ambassador asked his assistant.
She shook her head.
“I think it would be worth exploring it as an option,” he said, quietly, not wanting to disturb the scene in front of them.
“Perhaps we could import… bananas?” she offered.
“Yes,” he said. “I think so. Have some delivered to my quarters. I need to, ah, attend to my bunk.”
“I’ll bring them personally. We can sample them together.”
Celestia gave the assembled members of the press a bright smile. There were more of them than she would have expected, considering the mundane nature of the news.
“It’s wonderful to see all of you this morning,” she said. “I didn’t expect some of you to attend, but our relationship with Saddle Arabia is just as important as some of the celebrity news I know the broadsheets like to put on the front covers.”
That got a chuckle from the crowd, the reporters from the more scholarly papers looking down their noses at the junior reporters packing the front seats, most of them working for papers that included mares in provocative clothing starting on page three and wearing progressively less and less as the reader turned the pages.
“I would like to start by saying that we have reached a wonderful trade agreement. We’ve previously had issues with fresh produce and we have worked- ah!- very hard to put an agreement into place that will allow fruit to be shipped to their markets without spoiling!”
Princess Celestia was sweating slightly, her cheeks red. Her flowing tail rose slightly without her noticing as she changed her stance, spreading her back legs further apart.
“We- unf!- we expect that this will…” she trailed off, biting her lip for a moment. “Will boost our strong- so strong!” She gasped for breath. “Economy! And fruits! Lots of fruits!”
“What kind of fruits?” Asked an exceptionally tall reporter towards the back of the room, her starry mane strangely familiar despite the trenchcoat and sunglasses that completely hid her identity. Her horn pulsed with dark blue light, and Celestia’s eyes crossed, the Princess gasping and arching her back.
“Anything you want!” Celestia moaned.
“What about the next tax reform bill vote?” Asked another reporter, one whose mane and soul resembled ledger paper and who worked for a paper that not only didn’t have mares in interesting poses on the inside pages but which didn’t include pictures at all for fear they’d detract from the pure joy of interest rates.
Celestia’s moaning cut off, and the temperature in the room dropped a few degrees.
“Taxes?!” Yelled the tall reporter in the back. “What is it with you ponies and taxes?!”
“L-Luna, it’s not their fault--” Celestia said, still a little dazed.
“I came out here to ask hard-hitting questions and make my sister have an orgasm in front of dozens of ponies and I honestly am feeling so attacked right now,” the reporter huffed. “I am going back to my room!”
The reporter stomped out, followed by several royal guards wearing trenchcoats and trilby hats over their armor as required when involved in an undercover operation.
Celestia waddled back towards her room with her back legs pressed together. When she opened the door, an angry pink pony was waiting for her.
“Do you have any idea how hard it is to keep Twilight from doing something she’s set her mind to?” Cadance asked.
Before Celestia could answer, Cadance slammed the door shut behind her. Celestia jumped in surprise, and something fell from underneath her tail, bouncing away and leaving a trail as it rolled to a buzzing halt under her desk.
“T-this isn’t a good time,” Celestia said.
“Oh is this a bad time?” Cadance asked. “Because I can see this is a little awkward for you, which is funny because it didn’t seem to be awkward for you when you decided to do whatever you wanted in public!”
“It’s not that simple--”
“If somepony was going to ask me, I’d say that this isn’t awkward at all. Not compared to, say, having to chase the train all the way home and finding your husband--” Cadance closed her eyes and took a deep breath, which she regretted immediately. Celestia was leaving a certain scent in the air which was very distinct, very powerful, and bringing back too many immediately bad memories.
Celestia had the good sense not to say anything until Cadance had composed herself enough to continue.
“She cast a Want-It-Need-It spell on herself,” Cadance said. “Thankfully it wasn’t the only spell she cast. The doctors say the chafing will eventually subside if she and Shining Armor use all the right creams, and she's not going to end up stuffed full of foals. And you know what the worst part is, Celestia?”
“...That it was super hot?” Celestia guessed.
“YES!” Cadance groaned, collapsing on the table. “I walked in on them and they were going at it and she was making this face and it was the hottest thing I’ve seen since that time I spent a month keeping Private Flash Sentry from getting laid!”
“You spent a month doing what?”
Cadance waved a hoof. “It made sense at the time. I mean I might have accidentally made him question his sexuality but that’s not what we’re here to discuss!” She looked up at Celestia, which was easy because Celestia was very large and most of that largeness was generally upwards. “What’s the deal with you and Luna?”
“Oh, that.” Celestia said. “It’s complicated.”
“When you say complicated do you mean ‘we bang’?”
“Cadance, you should know better than anypony else that love is never that simple. Every two ponies in love have their own definition of what love is, from something as simple as doing the dishes without being asked, to letting your special somepony sleep in and taking care of the foals on your own, to wearing a remote controlled toy while in public and letting your sister have the button.”
“And today was…”
“The third of those, yes.”
“So you’re in love.”
“I love her. Like a sister. A sister with benefits.”
“Sisters with benefits aren’t a thing.”
Celestia looked uncomfortable, even more than she had been on stage in front of dozens of ponies with something buzzing away inside her. “I know,” she said.
“Princess Celestia,” Cadance said. “You also know I’m an expert. I can tell how you really feel.”
The pink princess walked over to the bookshelf and tugged on just the right volume, revealing a hidden shelf of half-full bottles, most of them older than she was. She extracted two glasses and started pouring.
“I would have stopped you the first time I saw it in court if there wasn’t something more than lust,” Cadance continued. She drained a glass, then refilled it before bringing both of them over to the table. “Have you talked to her about it?”
“No,” Celestia admitted.
“Well, as the Princess of Love, I order you to have a real talk with her instead of just…” Cadance paused and drained her glass for a little extra liquid courage before continuing. “What’s a good euphemism for lesbian sex?”
“Trading cutie marks?” Celestia suggested. “But we don’t… I mean, we haven’t done that!”
“You haven’t done what, exactly?”
“Sex!” Celestia’s cheeks were as red as a dying star. “We fool around, but… it’s all teasing. It started as a game between us. She’d swipe me with her tail, I’d nip her ear, we’d kiss a little… neither of us wanted to back down because then we’d lose.”
Cadance took Celestia’s glass from her just as it touched the elder Princess’ lips and drained the third glass of alcohol older than any living and non-immortal pony.
“How can you drink like that?” Celestia asked.
“I didn’t go to Canterlot High for nothin’,” Cadance said, slurring only a little. “Now go out there and tell Luna you love her.”
“Yes that’s.. Probably for the best,” Celestia said, standing.
“And then you fuck her brains out!” Cadance continued. “Because I swear if you two don’t stop flirting I’m gonna lock you in a room until one of you pops out a foal!”