Dousing the Flame
You told me that if I fell you’d be there to catch me. But you can’t, you’ll never get the chance, because I wasn’t there to catch you.
Remember when I joined the Wonderbolts? I told you it was because they were my idols. I told you it was because everypony looked up to them, and I wanted to be important. I never told you that it was you I idolized, or that it was you I wanted to be important to. I always thought that I would need to be great for you to ever notice me. I figured if I could join the Wonderbolts then I’d get the chance to show you what you meant to me.
You proved me wrong, though. I didn’t need to be special, or important, or famous. I just needed to be there for you like she was, and you might have felt for me like you did for her. You gave her everything I ever wanted just by being around her, and I was so jealous. I never let you know, though. I couldn’t hurt you like that, so I’d never tell you. In fact I was always supportive of you, I even helped you plan your wedding.
I remember helping you try on every suit, you wanted to find one that complemented her eyes over your own. You loved her so much that you only wanted to add to her spotlight on a day you were meant to share. I never told you, but I think you were handsome anyway. You always have been.
I stood near you on your wedding day. You convinced your wife to let me be a best stallion in your wedding, even though I’m a mare. I remember hearing you argue with her over it, defending me as your best friend. I might’ve been so happy to hear you standing up for me against someone so important to you, that is if the word ‘friend’ hadn’t hurt me so much. More secrets you’ll never know, though.
But you won the argument, and I was there for you on the big day. I stood just behind you as I watched you state your vows, promising to give her everything I’ve ever dreamed of. I smiled, even though it hurt so much to watch. I was happy for you, I was even happy for her. I’ve never tried to come between you, I never would’ve dreamed of it.
It was just before you went away on your honeymoon that you promoted me to co-captain. I was so happy that I hugged you, the first and last time I would ever feel your warmth. I told you I was crying because I was happy, but in reality it’s because I knew that I’d never have a reason to hold you again. Maybe I shouldn’t have lied to you so much, but I only ever did it because I wanted you to be happy. I’d never burden you with my problems.
After that you left, the stallion of my dreams off to spend his honeymoon with the mare of his. You left me here alone, and those were the saddest weeks of my life. It was perhaps a dangerous obsession that made it hurt so much to be away from you, but I didn’t care. I loved you. I still do.
When you got back you playfully mocked my excitement. I told you I was still coasting off the joy of being promoted, but I think that was the first time you saw through my lie. You teased me for weeks about how happy I was, but it was so fun. I’d give anything for you to be next to me right now, poking fun about how I’ve got a crush on a coworker. I guess that was as good a time as any to tell you how right you were, but I kept denying it anyway. You were married then, and I couldn’t bring myself to do anything that might jeopardize what you had with her.
It wasn’t just you being with her that hurt me, though. I don’t mean to make her out to be a villain, it was never her fault that you loved her. There’s more things I would like to get off my chest right now. Like that time me and you were sent off on that mission with just us? Do you remember how awkward that was? It was still fun, though.
We were sent to deal with some issues overseas. Apparently the princess needed an escort for her royal ambassador to oversee some political proposals with the zebras. Pretty routine stuff, right? Guess that’s why neither of us really expected the dragon raid. They came from nowhere, and they attacked so violently. We were no match and we knew it, but you still did everything you could to drive them back. You put your life on the line to protect some stuck-up politicians, I never would’ve been so brave as you.
That was part of the reason I loved you, though. Your dedication to everything you did. It was watching you fight those great beasts that drove me to do it, you know? More lies, and I hate myself for it. I didn’t leap in front of that dragon to save some democrat, I did it to save you. I was so scared of them, I hid for almost the entire fight, but when I saw you cornered... I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand back and watch it happen, so I dove in.
You held your own for so long against them, and all it took for them to take me down was one hit, my first move and I was out. You never told me how you managed to save me and not the politician who was still conscious when I passed out. Sometimes I imagine that you valiantly came to my rescue leaving all your other troubles behind to be my knight in shining armor. Just immature dreams, I suppose. I still wonder what actually happened then.
I remember I woke up in a cave. I was burnt badly and almost dead. You were there at my lowest point, and what you told me has stuck with me since. You said you’d always be there to catch me when I fall. You’ve always been there to pick me up no matter how low I was, and you’ve helped me so much I could never hope to repay you. I had my chance, though, and I blew it. I can never try again now because I messed up. For one time in your life you needed me, and I’ll live mine knowing I wasn’t there.
Everypony told me not to blame myself. They say I never could’ve known, even your wife tried to cheer me up when I should’ve been the one helping her. She lost a husband, and I was the one who was so weak I couldn’t console the pony that has lost more here than any of us. Your strength must’ve rubbed off on her, though, because she was the one comforting me. I feel so useless, so powerless and unneeded. I’ve never felt this way when you were around, even if I didn’t have you to myself. Now you’re gone and I don’t know if I’ll ever be strong again.
That’s why I’m leaving the Wonderbolts. I’m not strong enough to lead them without you, and they need somepony to be captain. I didn’t take it upon myself to choose the next captain, I wasn’t even able to do that. I just gave my letter of resignation and left, like the weakling that I am. I flew so far away that day that even I don’t know where I went. I’m still wondering if I’ll ever be able to go back, if anypony even wants me there. They don’t need me, not like you did. I couldn’t save the stallion that was my everything, so how am I supposed to be able to save anypony else?
I wrote so much more than I wanted to, all in hopes that I could distract myself and never have to write about the one thing I began writing this letter for. Suppose it’s time to stop running from my pain.
You were never meant to go on that mission. You asked me to do it, and I flaked out. You were so understanding that I wouldn’t want to go so near my parents. You never pushed me to try and make amends, you just took what I said and you took my responsibilities for it, too. You didn’t even know they were abusive, I never told you about them. You were so caring even when you didn’t know why, or have any reason to be. It’s my fault that you left, and it should’ve been me there instead. Your wife would still have a husband, and I know that nopony would be as hurt as I am right now.
I knew something was wrong, even from thousands of miles away. You know how they say you can sense it when your soul mate is in danger? I think that’s why a part of me died before anyone even knew what happened. I flew as fast as I could, I left without telling anypony why. I think they might’ve been confused at why I was in such a rush, but for some reason I knew I needed to be there. I wanted to catch you when you fell.
I didn’t, though. I flew with everything I had and I was just short of making it. I watched you die, it’s an image that will never stop haunting my nightmares. If I was just a little faster I could’ve caught you, but I didn’t. Nopony ever found out what happened, why you fell. Some suspect you were pushed, others that you tripped and your wings weren’t working, there’s even somepony who said you jumped.
I don’t know the reason, and I don’t care to. The fact is that I’ve lost you and I can’t get you back no matter how much I want to. I’ll never be able to tell you what you meant to me. I’ll never be able to tell you how just being around you was enough to make my darkest days so bright. I’ll never be able to tell you that I would give my last breath just to see you smile.
Most importantly I’ll never be able to tell you I loved you. I really do love you, now as much as ever. I won’t stop, even when my cold body is I've left behind, I’ll love you. When the whole world has stopped turning, I’ll still love you.
I'll be with you forever, Soarin, even if you never know it. Next time you fall, I promise I’ll catch you.