The type of fic that's exactly what you expect, but also nothing like you imagined. Time to get inane in the membrane.
'What you call madness, I see it as... opportunity.' - Dilliam Compost Stevespeare Basher, esq.
'Whatever floats your boat.' - Gabriel Voisin (maybe)
'wow' - PresentPerfect
What do you get when you combine anime's most successfully lucrative trash fire and a little girl's show with an illicit amount of adult male fans? Not at all what you'd expected, but at the same time, totally what you expected. The spirit of Pop Team Epic, adjusted for pony literary consumption. Come experience the madness for yourself! - - - - - - -
The Following Fic will contain: Unorthodox Writing Styles Foal Abuse Excessive Death Out-of-Characters Uncouth References Darkness (Imprisoning me!) Cleverness? Linkskara! Insults Stale Memes Trust Issues Self-Righteous Suicides Colored Text (gasp!) Things that have nothing to do with ponies whatsoever Horatio Sanz! And so much swearing you wouldn't believe And I get more ass than a toilet seat! Okay no I don't I'm sorry I lied I'm so so sorry
It’s common practice for a person, place or thing to be referred to as some type of precious stone. The Ruby of the Desert, the Jewel of the North, the Topaz of Indigestion, etcetera. An obscenely few of them could claim those titles as literal interpretations, case in point: the Crystal Empire.
Vast, radiant, and made entirely of crystal (hence the name), it was quite the success story: a kingdom once hidden beneath harsh tundra for a millenia, flourishing immensely in the span of just a few short years, mostly thanks to the efforts and administration of their current rulers. Its crystalline-coated citizens walked the polished streets with light hearts and big smiles, effusing a collective goodwill that fed their prized Crystal Heart and kept it spinning with harmonious vibes. And looking over and enjoying such pristine harmony was none other than the Crystal Prince himself.
Shining Armor stood on a balcony jutting out from one of the spires of the grand Crystal Castle, his kingdom gleaming before him under the morning sun. He smiled at the view, sipping coffee from a magic-encased mug, feeling pretty swell and caffeinated. No better time of day to take in the breadth of one’s achievements, really. Especially over a good cup o’ Joe.
“Wanting to get jittery so early?”
Shining turned and saw the smiling look of his beloved wife Cadance, as radiant as the very castle they inhabited, even without all the glaring pink. The prince brought around his mug, returning the alicorn’s playful smile.
“It’s just my first cup. Besides, Twilight’s the one with the coffee addiction.”
“Boy do I know it. Or at least the way Celestia tells me.” Cadance trotted up to her husband and the two shared a loving kiss. “Morning, my love. Sleep well?”
“Like a dream. How’s Flurry?”
“Our little lady will be in Sunburst’s hooves for today, so she won’t be interrupting any official royal business.”
“Hmm, shame. Probably the only time I’d appreciate having one of her magical outbursts. But, since you mentioned it…” Shining sighed, then finished off his coffee. “Guess there’s no point staving off the inevitable.”
“That’s right. Time to play King, my king.”
“Of course, my queen.”
Cadance giggled as the two of them trotted out from the balcony and through their private chambers. On the way out, they passed by a lime-colored crystal pony with a done-up maroon mane in a maid’s uniform, dusting a flower vase and stand.
“Good morning, your Majesties!” the maid greeted cheerily, putting aside her feather duster. “I’ll begin cleaning your rooms in just a moment.”
“There’s no need to rush for our sakes, Dewdrop,” Shining Armor said. “It’ll be hours before we set hoof back in them.”
“It’s no trouble at all, my prince. I’m just about finished dusting the hallway here. And if you’d like, I could take that mug for you if you’re done with it.”
“Oh, that would be very nice of you, if it’s no trouble.”
“None whatsoever!”
“Great. I’ll just uh, um, er… put it here.” Shining hovered the empty mug gently onto the stand holding the vase. Cadance beamed warmly at their servant.
“Your services are truly appreciated, Dewdrop.”
“It’s my pleasure to serve you both everyday, my princess.”
“Wonderful. You may carry on, then.”
Dewdrop bowed, and the royal couple continued on their way so she could resume her work with enthusiasm.
“She's such a great part of the staff,” Shining remarked. “But a serious workaholic; I don't think I've ever seen her on break. We really ought to give her some vacation days.”
“Yes, she is quite the sweetheart. But you should probably be concerning yourself with other things besides the cute little maid,” Cadance teased, causing some her husband some lighthearted dismay before looking off to the side.
"...What? Were you expecting me to tear my face apart to reveal Popuko? Oh no, there's none of that. This is a whole other can of fuckery that's about to be opened. Consider this your final warning, Dr. Harford. But otherwise, without further ado..."
(After the editiiiiiiiing, if anything sensible left,) (We might meet again in the Brave New Warudo) (But if not, then you, can suck, on my ass, ass, ass)
[Made Possible By] Team PonEpi FIMFiction
(Sekai Re-MAKE, MAKE, MAKE, MAKE)
- - - - - - - - - -
( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
Pony Team Epicure
Sweetie Belle tumbles down some stairs and lands messily at Rarity's hooves.
"Oh, sweet sister! How cruel chance has cut you down in the spring of your youth!"
"Always, remember the all-natural sweetness of Mococoa..."
Sweetie Belle dies.
Pony Mimimimimimi
Pinkie Pie skips along with a freshly baked pie bouncing atop her head.
A very high skip sends the pie falling to the ground where it splats messily.
Why did you let this happen, Pinkie?
What the fuck is wrong with you??
Pony Team Epic, ya bastards
Fluttershy stares forlornly up at the ceiling.
"I really should get some sleep."
She waves to the shadows on the wall.
Rob Thomas nods approvingly from the bedside.
Ponetepipikku
"Yo Spike, I heard we can get to the next level with an epic handshake."
"Heck yeah! Let's do it, Scoots!"
They extend hand and hoof.
They both just stare.
Epic Pony Slice
Luna has decided to visit the Farmer's Market today.
"G'day, fief! I would like this fine bushel of pears, please."
"I'm sorry princess, but we do not accept holy pardons as currency."
"Go to Hell, mortals!"
Derpy Epic Team
"There: the last box of mail neatly put away."
Toola Roola gallops in and bumps against the shelf.
Boxes of mail fall off and crush her.
"I know exactly what went wrong."
Pony Team Epic
"Look everypony, it's Horatio Sanz!"
"Hey there. I came because I was mentioned in the story description, but I didn't have any material planned or things to talk about so, yeah."
Everyone stands around awkwardly.
"Well that's just about the payoff I expected."
Pony Epiiiiiiiiiiiiiic POP!
"I really want to get to the next level, Ember."
"Then allow me that honor, Spike! My lizard hands shall make it a reality."
The Pact is made.
Watchers look on, as they dance, in their merciless sky.
Pony Team Epic, y'all!
Fluttershy and Apple Bloom spot a ghost hovering around one cold night.
"Remembering the melancholy of human existence, even ghosts stray from the path of righteousness."
"But that's a horse ghost, though, Fluttershy."
The ghost parties ecstatically with other lively spirits.
P-P-P-Pony Team Epic?
It's time yet again to spin the Shipping Wheel, Twilight!
"Ooooh-hoo-hoo, I can't wait to see who gets paired this week!"
"Round and round she goes..."
"This week's result is: Get a fucking life, you sad miserable creeps."
"Moooom, the kids at school are gonna make fun of my clothes."
Derpy puts a light hoof on Dinky's little shoulder.
"My daughter, these innocuous moments of childish whimsy are best savored in the gentle bosom of innocent development so as to make richer, more cherished memories in the autumn that settles into the dusk all ponies will inevitably face."
"...Oooookaaay?"
Hot Topic Pony
"This is the Quality Police! We're shutting down this shit-tastic writing experiment."
"Oh crap, the jig is up!"
"Calm down, Pinkie. So does this mean you'll be making this story better?"
"That's right, Ms. Sparkle, as my associate shall explain."
Pony Teamster
"I'm gonna form a dragon basketball team!"
"But Spike, you don't have nearly enough dragon friends."
"Next up for tonight's Night Court: Subordinance TH1C, concerning public fitness programs... Are you serious?"
"I-I'm sorry, your highness?"
"This type of lettering isn't clever or cute, it makes you look like a fucking pleb simpleton!
"Get off my level, peasant scrub!"
Lunatic Pone-dora ;3
"After some deep consideration, I've decided not to make my HiE fic be self-insert, or even be about a human becoming a pony."
"Instead, I'll focus on how a man, broken by the world, comes to this strange magical realm and finds friendship and spiritual healing, eventually turning him into a better, more enriched person than he was before."
"Sounds like you could drop Equestria entirely and make this a wholly original story that can truly be called yours."
Well look at that, we have a comment from one of our readers!
"Finally run out of ideas? If you're looking more I might know a guy, or several in fact. If you're done, that's cool. I'll hide my disappointment."
Thank you for the concern, dear reader. As life can be a busy thing, delays may arise. But rest assured, I still have plenty of ideas to share in due time.
Also I don't see a Cancelled or Hiatus status, so watch what you type next time you presumptuous assmunch.
I kid, I kid ^w^
"I've been thinking alot about Ludicolos lately."
"Why's that, Sweetie Belle?"
"No doubt because the author's obsessing over them and wanted an excuse to bring them up."
"That moron should keep his frickin' mind on actual pony matters if he wants to stay relevant."
Ponyaki Grill
"So bitches, what misadventures are we getting into today?"
"Really, darling, there's no need to be so uncouth."
"Eh, that's just the way I roll."
Rainbow Dash goes over waterfall in a barrel.
PoJeerling Tea... m
Flurry Heart plays with her milk bottle in her crib, giggling like any happy baby should.
The milk bottle slips out of her dainty grasp and falls onto the floor.
You know, it's occurred to me: With this being an M-rated story, I can write down all sorts of vulgar subject matter. And that's especially possible given the unpredictable nature of this 'story'. I may not get another chance in a very long while...
That settles it! I'm going to earn that M-rating. With this one chapter I'll bathe the entirety of this ill-begotten submission in red. I'll make it the one-stop update for anyone seeking the raw, potent, adult-oriented stuff. The stuff that will make you squirm, angry, morbidly-amused, possibly even uncomfortably aroused. My statement to join the collective of other depraved weirdoes who turn to the illuminated page to jot down their darkest, most NSFW thoughts.
But I'm getting ahead of myself.
Before I truly begin, I just want to say... Everyone, thank you for coming and continuing to read my nonsense. For those who have been with me from the beginning, or at least most of my tenure here on FiMFic, your views and comments help give my tatty tales validation. So again, my deepest arigato gozaimasu...
Now enough of that dookie. Ladies and (mostly) Gentlemen, I present to you:
The Obscenity Rap
Hit it
Uh, Uh, Uh, Oh Yeah. Mmmmm, Pump dat shit up! Yo, Yo, Yo, Yo, Three Two One, Here We Go Unh-Unh!
Bitch dick ass, cock cuck cunt, Here I go with my loony-ass stunt! Shit piss slut jizz leprosy, Yall fuckas can tell I be gettin' crazy. I don't need hoes nor sex nor even smegma To lay out sick rhymes to utterly destroy ya. Be horse or cat or whizz or scat This rap is where it's at Cuz I'm aaaaaall that.
Though I will admit, and take the hit, To say I'm not a genius when it comes to cunnilingus, But that don't detract, the fact, That the haters be dingus, and can all get down to suck my pingas.
Don't matter you be dissing or fisting, just stop resisting, Cuz my depravity's ever-persisting. No dope or blow gonna slow my flow, Cuz I be illin' and chillin' and grillin' and frillin' and millin' and tillin' and grillin'.
Damn shit I already used that one, Well anyway forget all that; it's on to the next segment.
Got authors playing it seriously, Over fuckin' horse fics, you kidding me? Try-Hards actin' so hard, their Haves and Have Nots, Think they're hot shots, but they're only Dippin' Dots, So drop that weak-ass lot and Begone, Thot!
It's the King M.C. of the highest degree. That's right, it be me, G! The irreverent intelligent brilliant revenant of entertainment. Gone today, back in a year, With wit and prose to shook you up with fear.
But I made my point; gonna take a nap. So let me turn it over to another mystical lyrical-ist of rap.
My peepos, give it up for The Rapping Sorcereeeeeeeeeeeer!!
What's up mortals, bet you're surprised, To see this bad-ass float before your eyes. Call me Sethron, since that's my name, And laying out dope rhymes is my game.
I draw the sickest beats from darkest realms, And I make prime time like my boy Ed Helms. I get so much tail like you've never seen. Whose you ask? Why the zebra's, I mean.
Their butts are the only things that match my tastes. Anything else would just be an utter waste Of my time, so let me tell it right: I can't get erect unless it's black and white, With slender legs that just won't quit, And thick long tongues, yeah I'm about that... Uhm...
Aren't you going to stop me from continuing? That's, usually what happens when I get to this part.
Nah, man. This is the Obscenity Rap; you can say whatever fucked-up shit you want.
Ah... Well alright then!
So let's resume this debauchery As I relate to you my fantasy. Hey you in the back don't leave so fast. Let me tell you the finer points of zebra ass.
Now it don't matter if they got a puss or schlong, That's still a rear I'd ride all day long. The swiftest booty in all the land, It makes the perfect place to lay my hand.
So grab a zebra and don't hesitate, Cuz we're getting down to fornicate.
Yeah, zebra sex rap!
Say, thanks for letting me get through a whole set. I never knew how good I'd feel in getting all that out uninterrupted.
No sweat, pal. And I really appreciate you for coming over.
But of course. Anyway, I should probably head back to Radical Soda and... get yelled at some more. *Sigh*, why do I even bother dreaming? (floats away)
The crisp, verdant plains of the Denmark's northeastern coast. Some thirty kilometers south of Aalborg, a wide stretch of water labeled the Mariager Fjord cut through the flat, verdant landscape that glistened with fresh early morning dew.
A lone boat, propelled by a grimy stern-mounted motor, cut through the calm surface that served as a natural canvas to capture and the waves of orange and that colored the clear sky above. The two quadrupeds onboard added no further noise to the chugging of the motor, as though doing their best to not further disrupt the stillness and silence of the land they were passing.
Against the soft chill of the morning air, the eldest of the two stepped forward, planting a hardened hoof on the edge of the bow. Looking out, head lowered slightly so that her stetson could block the rays of the rising sun, she spoke out to the sublime serenity of this virtually-untouched paradise of the north.
"Why the fuck are we even out here??"
Hurgleburglesmurglegurgle
"Yak yak yak yak, yak yak-yak."
"Yak! Yak yak yakkity-yak yak!"
"Ack ack, ack. ACK ack ack!"
Well shit...
Derpy Epic Team
"What I still don't understand Ms. Hooves is that even after all that's transpired, the majority of cows and sheep still live in pens and barns."
"Just forget it, Doc."
Derpy lights a cigarette, taking a long drag as a light rain begins to fall.
"It's Ponyville."
There's a pony in my boot!
"I'm so sick of always playing the bit character; I'm ending it all!"
Seattle's Angels are traipsing through the woods in search of more stories to review.
Wanderer D stops and cranes his neck, bringing the rest of his troop to a halt as he scans the leafy surroundings.
"Come out, Steve; I can spot your shitty prose anywhere."
The author steps out of some bushes ahead, bearing a tray of freshly-baked brownies.
- - - - - - - -
Steven Has Clearly Run Out of Ideas - - - - - - - - - - - So Now Nobody Will Love Him - - - - - - - - - - - And He Will Be Forgotten - - - - - - - - - - - Because Let's Face It - - - - - - - - - - - There's No Future In Fan Fiction - - - - - - - - - - - I Mean, Exactly What's It About? - - - - - - - - - - - Just Idling By, Circle-Jerking Over Somebody Else's Characters and Concepts - - - - - - - - - - - One Could Argue They're Doing A Better Job Exploring These Characters and Concepts - - - - - - - - - - - If So, Why Not Explore These Concepts Using Your Own Original Creations Instead of Diddling About? - - - - - - - - - - - Fan Fiction Is Only Best For General Writing Practice Or Taking The Piss Out Of Things - - - - - - - - - - - Far Too Many Talented Writers Wasting Away Pumping Out These Trivial What-Ifs That Don't Go Anywhere - - - - - - - - - - - Seriously, Get Out There And Make Something That's Legitimately Your Own - - - - - - - - - - - Like, Absolutely Completely 100% Borne From Your Mind And Is Merely Influenced By Other Things, Rather Than Outright Take Place In Those Things - - - - - - - - - - - Give Yourselves Some Credit, Dammit - - - - - - - - - - - Anyway, Back To This Shitshow
Spike has come across a certain rugged echidna.
"Whoa, you're Knuckles!"
"Here I cum! Rougher than the rest of 'em—"
"Agh no not in my eyes blegh!"
Ponecinnappolis
"Yo Rainbow Dash!"
"Hey, slut."
"Heeheehee, youuuuu got that right!"
Proceeds to stab Rainbow Dash repeatedly in the face.
Pony... of the Epic-est Quality
Deep in the Everfree Forest, Fluttershy is bleeding out from two slit wrists.
In her fading vision, she sees a stream of blood flow out to and cover a very special seed in a nearby grove.
The seed grows into a mighty tree shaped like a middle finger.
"Y-yaay..."
Derpy Epic Team
"I believe the fall time calls for Spring Cleaning!"
The front door of her house bursts open with an awful bang.
Derpy gasps in shock at what lies through the debris.
"It's you—!"
That Fine Pony Time
"I definitely gave a talkin' to that thievin' griffon the other day, but I ain't know a damn thing bout her shitty mangled corpse bein' in my shed."
It started out as your typical early morning well any typical early morning the colors were soft and the sun was nowhere near harsh with the town thoroughfares steadily filling up with the usual foot or rather hoof traffic of the usual spectrum of color-coordinated furs and manes that make the place alive with pastoral agency which really can only be found in a simpler kind of imagination given its overabundance and garishness yet in a magical land there's no real standard for taste or even discreetness so it's just visual overload and so much noise for the eyes yet it does make them easily identifiable to younger minds that haven't quite made it past the pre-operational stage of cognitive development so it's all harmless they don't really need to know too much at this period and there are unique personality traits to make them more relatable even if they are exaggerated and lacking that fine subtlety much of the time but again it's really no concern as they still play the common populous that give any place that sense of life necessary in setting a scene to make a story more vivid although some writers get carried away in the details not just with the background people but the scenery as well like Victor Hugo for example who just devotes entire chapters telling the history of certain buildings and locations in Paris although the structure in question is only relevant to the main plot as a setting piece but he can be forgiven because he paints such a rich if overwrought tapestry in these asides yessir he certainly did love that city and its history but the marketplace of Ponyville was filling up with merchants and traders with their wares and produce and services and filling the air with words and motion just as a great intake of breath serves to awaken and energize a great slumbering body and this is an analogy that has played out in this saccharine setting almost every single day since its founding with great catastrophes being the sole reason for any exception to the rule.
Trotting unhurriedly among her fellow if physiologically lesser kin was Twilight Sparkle ever keen yet still inherently naive to the world and its vast cruelties even after all the trials she and her friends had overcome which may be the due to a great inner strength that is worth applauding or it's a mild form of mental regression that keeps her and her friends' mental states at some set emotional level of maturity so in a way they remain youthful in mind but tragically lack the fulfillment that comes with wisdom another concerning factor that can be attributed to the show's falterings now the young princess went along her way to see Pinkie Pie no doubt opening up shop at the Sugarcube Corner and with still some distance left to cover the alicorn idly pondered going to the bakery to procure some mildly stale rye bread because as it was Tuesday they were about to to throw out yesterday's leftover supply of rye bread which she and several other savvy ponies can purchase at a discount before they touch the trash bins and the same case with the sourdough that would be tossed out the next day being Wednesday come to think of it why didn't Sugarcube Corner proffer regular baked goods alongside their usual line-up of pastries and delights certainly it was a specialty bakery of sorts but surely they can diversify their stock and cater to those looking for components to a simple sandwich or complements to salads and soups it would bring in more profit and certainly make things more lucrative in the raising of the twins yet what does any of that matter in the here and now just simple inconsequential thoughts to pass along time otherwise devoted to idle gawking with no intent of stopping to say hello or strike up a conversation even a passing one which I suppose plays into Twilight's lingering antisocial tendencies again they do not fully grow out of their early flawed states come to think of it all this musing on the mental states of ponies reminds me of shortskirtsandexplosions who usually delves into the psychology of these cartoon equines and does a pretty good in-depth job of it even though it is incredibly long-winded but you have to respect someone who can type up a thirty-thousand word novella in just a weekend and looks technically sound but perhaps he has editors on the side to touch it up as it goes.
"So this is looking to be another wonderful day just hurrying along to get some light breakfast and say hello to one of my friends who I sincerely hope isn't involved in some kind of crazy scheme or going through one of her extreme moods that Pinkie Pie can be such a character I wonder if anyone else will be there it's a fairly frequent thing to happen to find two or three of my friends in one place at any given time it's just a small town and that's still something I love it's so easy to get to know everyone though it is very out of the way even with the trains and additional roads I may have to consider zoning out satellite communities for those who want to live out here in the country but I'll have to be careful about it not to mention I already have the school to overlook so that's a project to be saved for another time on the matter of school it'd probably be a great idea to have Starswirl and the others come to guest lecture now that I think about it I haven't heard from him in a long while it's a bit surprising and startling how ponies can drop out of your life like that without any real fuss especially when they're someone you've looked up to so much in your youth I guess that's a part of growing up I wonder if that's how it will be with Spike since he's molted it won't be much longer now before he may want to go his own way and do his own things at the very least I hope I can remain a fond memory to him if nothing else I just have to let him decide and the same goes for my students they will soon leave and then the next generation will come in followed by the next and the next there's no denying this all that we really can do as adults and mentors is prepare each successive generation for the ever-changing world they will inevitably step into and become an integral part of."
I still wonder about what has become of my old IRC group who have taught me so much in the early months I was in the fandom Pascoite and Samurai and even shortskirts what does he even do in real life or any of the others I'm legitimately curious are they doing things to support and enrich themselves so that these fan fictions they write are simply a hobby as it really should be but it always has been no one really argues with that I only assume that people take it too far and make careers out of it even with all my education I still can grossly generalize things I just don't expose myself as much as I would like but that involves going out and talking and engaging and going online which I don't find entirely necessary because of time constraints and I have other things to bide my free time but that's not how it should be there has to be effort put in yet I am about to move on to an important stage in my life and it's that terrifying point where one puts away childish things and focuses on a career and that still frightens me because I still cling to the notion that I just have too many things I want to do I don't want to be restricted I want freedom I don't want to be stressed but that's all excuses excuses I have to put my foot forward at some point and if it means casting aside my diversions then so be it it has to be done if I'm to make something of myself clearly fan fiction hasn't gotten me anywhere and I haven't taken proper authorship too seriously so here is the next big alternative I hope it goes well for me and not like other supposed big steps that were really just stumbles I can't dwell on those the world and the future keep moving on and I have to see it through keep my head up roll with the punches and know that there is beauty and wonder in the world and I will see and experience it for myself in due time yes in due time I will embrace it all.
Eeee-yup
"So I asked Braeburn out for a date, but he totally shot me down."
"Don't take it so hard. You're not the first to get Braeburned."
...
"He wrote this kind of joke elsewhere..."
What are you doing with your life?
"So Pinkie Pie, darling, how's your sister's coltfriend been doing lately?"
Nick Confalone leaps in, grabs Rarity by the neck, slams her against a wall and shoves the barrel of a pistol to her temple.
"Don't you ever bring that word up again, do you understand me?!"
"Yes Yes Oh God Please Don't!"
A Day Late and A Pony Short
"So you really think there's other life out there?"
"Maybe, Spike, but at present it's only speculation and theory."
Twilight gasps and collapses, as MatPat rises from behind with a bloodied knife and a psychotic grin.
"When Eyes Are RED!! We can't talk for a while..."
Mannulus Dominus est in Caelis
"Hey Scootaloo, how bout you drink this soda?"
"And why would you want me to do that?"
"That's cuz I... I...
I can't do this anymore.
I'm sorry everyone, but the motivation had abandoned me long ago, and at this point I'm just forcing myself to write up something I no longer feel any enjoyment in making. Thus, I'm ending this here and now. I'm sorry I couldn't make a more satisfactory conclusion, but I need to wrap this up so it doesn't dangle over me for the rest of my life. I appreciate you who have read and liked this nonsense up to this point, and especially to those who have kept u— GUUHAAAK?!? *Le Dies*
"That's enough of that." *Withdraws knife* "After three months, we're not letting you have a neat FNAF-style wrap-up."
"Yeah! Now show yourself, asshole, or we'll bust into your shit apartment or basement or whatever and get finger-crackin'."
Y-You? Ah jeez, what do you want? Did you have to kill my narrator like that?
"That's the least of your worries, but I'll let Pipimi lay it down."
"You see, it's come to our attention that you've been doing a terrible job utilizing our style of humor, as indicated by the low number of views this story has received since publication. And given the hiatus and the admission of your dearly departed narrator, you've undoubtedly chosen to abandon this misguided venture. Therefore, we feel some appropriation is in order."
A, appropriation? Appropriate what? This is a nonprofit fanfic. All my fics are!
"True. I suppose this is just our way of saying that we're shutting you down in the most indiscriminately brutal fashion possible. Trying to sound businesslike, but obviously that shit don't fly. Popuko, insanity and conflict is your job. I leave this one up to you."
"Woh, sick Touhou reference, Pipimi-chan."
"Thank you. Now if you would be so kind."
"With pleasure. That retard mascot was one thing, but it's gonna be a real kick offing you, chump."
H-hey, keep it cool! Let's talk this out!
"You should have thought of that before putting this trainwreck on Hiatus for so long, you punk bitch."
"Oh ho ho ho ho, a ruckus brewing without my involvement? Now that simply won't do."
"Eh? Who fuckin' said that?"
"Now now, missy, I believe it's time to put a cap on those expletives of yours."
"How bout coming down here and making me, poorly-veiled surprise guest."
"Gladly~"
Slithering into existence appears the annoying yet amicable amalgamation of anarchic ambition, the ever love-hateable Discord, esquire.
"Ah, the little gremlins have finally come out to play. I was wondering when this heap of creative diarrhea was going to draw you out."
"Just so you know, shit noodle, we wear the gremlin tag with pride, so no irk points with that one."
"I suppose you've taken umbrage with our threatening of this low-tier author?"
"Oh not at all! In fact I wanted to express a few choice complaints of my own, namely as to why I haven't shown up in any skits thus far. Sham though it may be, its random nature should've warranted some shameless involvement of myself. I'm genuinely baffled./color]"
"Uh-huh, but..?"
"I just don't see why the two of you get to have all the fun in tearing this debacle asunder. And besides, I'm rather curious as to how your own unpredictable natures measure up to mine."
"Tch, like you're something, Q. I'll bust that long face into a short one quicker than when we blew up King Records, and Shota Aoi won't be around to save you."
"Guess we'll have to resolve this squabble first. At least the author won't be going anywhere."
Damn my morbid curiosity!
"Well ladies, without further ado, I say we get on with our dance."
"Now hold on, y'all! You can't go starting a fight without inviting ME!!"
Discord's paw and talon grip each side of his face.
"Wait No No NONONO—!!"
The draconequus' head is ripped asunder, and springing out from the confetti appears the gloriously buff, blue-shirted, sunglasses-wearing, blonde afro-ed visage of the Legendary BoBoBo-Bo Bo-BoBo!
"Oh terrific, it's the Shonen Jump crowd."
"And a stale-ass one at that."
"Don't you go dissin' your predecessors. I've been channelin' the chuckles since before you were in diapers. Heck, I've been doing it since I've been in diapers, on multiple occasions. And sure I've been out of action for a couple of years, but The Fist of the Nose Hair is timeless in its execution of hilarity. Besides, I'm more than just the gags. I'm also a bonafide freedom fighter, battling for truth, justice, and snug-fitting underwear. I'm no one-trick horsey like you two. Even Dengaku Man's got more range than either of you."
"That does it." *Draws Knife* "We're making this extra messy, Popuko-chan."
"Hell to the yeah!" *Pulls out trusty nail bat*
"Aye aye aye, do you kids really have to make so much racket?"
Plodding in seemingly from nowhere is a short squat rusty robot-looking fellow wearing a baseball cap, worn-out sweater, faded beige sweatpants and dusty slippers. My God! It's none other than Akira Toriyama-sama himself! Or rather his avatar.
"So very typical of the younger generation to make a fuss when you should only worry about doing your own thing. Then again, I was young and dumb once, and getting hot-blooded is quite the rush."
"We didn't ask for a lecture, old man. Now shamble off or you're getting shanked."
"Hey, that's about a quarter of my material you're threatening there, lady. If anyone should be tussling with a highly venerated manga-ka, it should be me."
"Up yours fuck boy! All this talk has made me super-fucking antsy and I want blood! Ain't no one getting out of here alive now!"
"*Sigh* Why did I have to walk in on this? Well, I suppose I can flex some muscle and show you youngsters how to do an action comedy properly."
Hold everything!
"Oh for fuck's sake what??"
You come into my story, disrupt my ending, kill my narrator, threaten me, criticize my shitty writing style, and then decide to get into a rut, just to forget about me? Well I've had it! You're in my domain now, and this is gonna be settled in the only appropriate fashion: Pay-Per-View!
And just like that, we've relocated to a packed stadium and a ghetto-looking tri-corner wrestling ring, the evening's combatants tucked in each one. Our formless Author dangles down overhead with a microphone.
Laaaaaaaaadies and gentlemen, the Compendium is agitated to present a most unnecessary but undoubtedly amusing battle of the season. Three styles of irreverent humor duking it out to determine which one is better, although comedy has and always will be subjective as I have so painfully learned firsthand. But enough griping; here are tonight's contenders.
In the Purple Corner, weighing in at a combined one hundred kilos of absurd, a fascinating fluke in good judgment and taste and the basis for these thirteen chapters of drivel: it's Popuko and Pipimi representing Pop Team Epic!
Rabid cheers arise from the hip 2018 anime and internet crowd, as well as the lurking hipsters that had been following Bkub since his Touhou days (i.e. before he was cool [jk]).
In the Orange Corner, weighing in at Swol AF (including afro), it's Shonen Jump's premier living parody, the freedom fighter for follicles, and Master Train Fighter: Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo!
Now the older Toonami and niche manga fanboys and girls raise a cheer, though admittedly it's not as loud as one would hope. But hey, the big guy still appreciates his fans.
Finally, in a corner of his very own, weighing the equivalent of an average sixty-three year old, it's the avatar of one of the forefathers of modern-day shonen manga, a true gag meister, advocate for scatological humor and all-around swell guy, give it up foooooooooooor Toriyama-bot!!!
This time the entire stadium, nay, the entire anime community roars out for their maestro, who humbly waves to everyone, still in his super casual wear.
???: And what better way to kick off a rousing match then by introducing your ringside commentators for this evening, in script format no less. Hello everyone I'm Spaz Noman, just birthed into existence a few seconds ago, and with me is a special guest commentator from a fiction series none of you will never read because you're a bunch of cowards, Dick Hammalon. Dick how are you?
Dick: About as good as I can be, Spaz. Finally managed to pay off a good chunk of my resurrection fees, but I'm still dealing with the lawsuit for eating that one guy. Just goes to show dramatic reappearances from the dead don't always work out in the long term.
Spaz: I can only imagine. But I believe the fine folks at home want a play-by-play of the bedlam taking place on the mat, to better carry this anti-climax along.
Dick: Yes I am aware; I've been doing news coverage for years so don't gimme any of that lip, baby face. Anyway, kicking off the match it's no surprise that Popuko of Pop Team Epic has come out screaming and swinging, Pipimi having lost control and not looking the bit concerned or even caring. Bobobo manages to flip over the blondie to give her a wedgie, but she manages to twist her head around and nail him in the chest. Luckily it turns out that was his balloon doppelganger and now he's sprung out as a parody of Venus delivering a sappy silly death soliloquy to "her" beloved. But now it looks like Toriyama-bot is finally joining the fray, reaching into his sweater to pull out something and JESUS CHRIST it's a stick with a piece of smiling poop on it!
Spaz: He's certainly wasted no time in drawing his signature Weapon of Choice, and it's having a crippling effect on Bobobo. Unsurprisingly this has no effect on Pipimi who is looking to cut that stick with her knife, but Toriyama-bot seems to be doing just barely enough of a good job fencing it away. Must be some durable wood on that thing. Off to the side Popuko appears to be having a vape break and just like that a whole swarm of subculture bitches have appeared. No doubt a bit of strategy as their appearance has driven Popuko into a frenzy, giving her a ridiculous boost in power and speed. Naturally she's going after the subculture bitches first, but it's only a matter of time until it's down to Bobobo and Toriyama-bot.
Dick: And god help them when she notices them. I tell ya, seeing all this rampant bloodshed, it's a kind of wild I haven't seen since my stint in Space Boca. Ladies of every flavor and the choicest drugs; the trip I was on I'm pretty sure I had broken into the mayor's residence and eviscerated—
Spaz: Have to interrupt you there Dick because another two combatants have flung themselves into the ring: Jelly Jiggler and Don Patch of Team Hajike, no doubt come to help their fellow freedom fighter. And as expected Don Patch has delivered a devastating drop kick to Bobobo's head, but the big guy's recovered fast enough to shove a lit bundle of dynamite into his partner's mouth and bowl him at the surviving crowd of subculture bitches, blowing them all apart and launching Popuko to the ceiling. Jelly Jiggler's sprung up to intercept with a hundred bullet punches, which Popuko deflects by eating every one of his blows, all in midair mind you. Jiggler seems to have gotten himself in a tight spot up there.
Dick: An update on the Toriyama-bot/Pipimi scuffle, you interrupting fuck: Pipimi has managed to knock away the poop stick and is going for the killing stab. Wait, Goku and Arale have just appeared and are taking on the little psycho, and I'm seeing even more random gag comic characters are dropping in. I see Gintama and his bunch and also that one tall redhead guy with a recorder, some obscure one.
Spaz: And it's not just Shonen Jump characters either. Characters from other joke comics and animation are rushing the ring. I'm talking Ebichu, the Excel Saga anime, the English dubs for Ghost Stories and Shin-chan, a bunch of others the author won't even bother looking up. It's an utter free-for-all that can't really be described, at least coherently. So many weirdoes vying for best comedy or something it's honestly hard to tell at this point aaaaand here come the porn parodies as well, because you can't have a thriving animation community without those creeping in. Oh the humanity.
Dick: It's a real chain reaction of stupid, I tell you what. What do you make of all this insanity, Ghost of Osamu Tezuka?
Tezuka: Manga was a mistake; I died for nothing.
Dick: And there you have it, folks. That's all for tonight's bout, with no definite winners but a whole lot of broken hearts. There will be no refunds since nothing can get back the time you wasted reading this mess. Once again I'm Dick Hammalon, and it's back to Hell with me. Goodnight, everyone.
