Chapter One: My Brother's Keeper

Chapter One: My Brother’s Keeper

Bruh, I don’t even know where to start. I mean… Fuck.

Let’s get it from the beginning.

My night started out with a blunt in one hand and my heater in the other. Living in Alton Park is a hazard to your health if your skin ain’t the right shade of brown, and since I’m only halfway to being chocolatey, I get fucked with daily. My brother Ty on the other hand? Dude’s welcome everywhere, and that dumb fucker is the reason I was sitting in my two thousand three Buick Century, waiting on him to get out of his side chick’s place so we could hit a quick lick and get back to Forrent University. I got in on an academic scholarship and Ty got in with sports, but college life is tough when you come from a broke-ass family in the first place. That and our worthless-ass old man doesn’t work or pay child support, so both of our Moms get shafted.

I was lost in my head, thinking about what needed to happen for the job to go off right when I saw movement from the chick’s house. Ty was on his way out, popping his neck with his usual smirk on his face. Motherfucker’s jacked enough to swagger around like he does, but he keeps it in check when he’s around me. Usually. When he hopped in the passenger seat, we took off without a word. We usually take a minute to start talking whenever I drive because I’m a psychopath behind the wheel, but that’s neither here nor there.

“Ay, Jay, you probably gonna get us killed if you keep rolling past these stop signs.” Ty chuckled.

“Shit, like you afraid to die.” I shot him a smirk.

“The fuck? Boy, you know I’m too pretty to die! I still need to fuck like, a million more bad bitches before my time’s up.”

“Think with the head on your shoulders for once, bruh. You act like pussy’s the only thing in life.” I scoffed.

“This from the dude that keeps a blunt?” Ty challenged.

“Ay, my vice doesn't make me itch when I hit the wrong broad. How many times have you gotten burnt up?” I asked, smiling.

“Shut the fuck up and drive, nigga.” Ty grunted. “If we did shit my way, we’d be rolling in on foot anyway so Big Mac wouldn’t know your whip.”

“I’m getting rid of it tomorrow, so what are you even stressed about? The plan’s solid, Ty. Mac’s bedded up sick, so he ain’t got no one over. Even if he does, we brought the ammo to back it up. Just chill and keep your head on like last time, aight?”

“Shit, you know I’m always stressed before we do shit like this. I don’t see how you get worked up over being lost, but when it comes to icing muhfuckers, you’re just GQ Smooth outta fuckin’ nowhere.” Ty shook his head. “You don’t make sense, bro.”

“There’s a reason you keep the meds, man. We both know I’m some kinda fucked up.” I chuckled along with him.

“Don’t I fuckin’ know it, bruh.” He pulled my script out of the breast pocket in his coat. “Mind if I get one of these before we get started?”

“Bruh, we’re about to hit a lick and you’re trying to go in fucked up?” I said, using the tone I always give him when he’s saying dumb shit.

“Whatever man. Let get a lighter so I can hit that blunt then.” He bargained.

I pulled mine out of my pocket. “You steal my shit, you buy me another one.”

He grabbed it and got started. “Stingy ass muhfucker. That’s why you fat.”

“I’m six foot and two hundred pounds, fam. I think I’m good.”

“Two-twenty. I put money on it.”

“Fuck off, peanut-head lil’ boy. The bitches you get are all pedophiles.” I scoffed.

Ty choked out a laugh. “Ah fuck, bruh! Got jokes? ‘Cause I got jokes if you tryna go.”

Turns out, his ‘jokes’ were the same old lines about me being a high-yellow, curly-haired, mexican-looking mulatto. I shot back with new material because the last bitch he nailed was a girl I knew, and her history with dudes was ridiculous. She was a Blood bitch, and I’d heard a couple of stories about that thot in particular going through fifteen guys in one night on more than one occasion. I ain’t exactly a prude, nor do I really judge people on their personal endeavors, but I know a slut when I see one and my brother dived dick deep into what I assumed to be Chlamydia. Maybe Syphilis, if he was particularly unlucky.

While I was riding Ty about his choice in garden utensil’s, we rolled up on our rendezvous spot and suited up in the car. We left my whip in the deserted alley and started making our way over to Mac’s apartment, making headway pretty easily. Ty’s got a locksmith’s little gun thing and it makes short work of locks every time, and I use a magnet for deadbolts and shit like that. Getting into the building itself wasn’t hard, but dodging drunks, crackheads, and the occasional heroin fiend wasn’t easy. That’s why we didn’t dodge them. As we passed the scouts in the hallways, Ty took care of most of them while I caught the stragglers by choking them out. It wasn’t the first time we’d busted in on a low-key doughboy, so we took the necessary steps to get in without getting fucked up.

After knocking out six fiends one way or another, Ty and I got to work on Big Mac’s door, both of us doing our work as we needed to. We simultaneously finished and made our way in quietly. Ty stood overwatch as I searched because I tend to be more adept at finding shit in general, and when I took the grate off of a wall vent, I hit the jackpot. A pound of herb went straight into my bag, and then what had to be fifteen thousand followed right after. I passed off another couple of bands to Ty and we made short work of the powder that was stashed in the vent, but left the guns. We started in on our way further into the house, neither of us making a noise. We split up to search the rooms, and I was the lucky one who found Big Mac’s smelly Indian ass. Damn durka always smells like curry… Well, he smelled like curry. After I knifed him in the temple, shit was over for the Fentanyl dealing bitch. Dude got one of Ty’s little homies with some weed that was laced with the shit, which is why there was bread on his head in the first place. Easy money.

Ty and I got the fuck outta dodge real quick, but what we didn’t account for was Twelve stalking my whip. We stopped just before we got spotted, the flashing lights ahead of us telling me that we needed to get gone. Just as I turned to Ty to get him back down the alley we’d come down, more sirens sounded from that general direction and we froze, staring at each other for a long, hard moment. We made a grab for each other and probably made our ancestors proud with the speed we took off at. My brother’s always been a better sprinter than me, but it’s not like I was just some slouch. I’m in decent enough shape, but when you compare a murderous bookworm to a lecherous linebacker, it’s not hard to guess who gets to point ‘B’ first.

Just as we were about to break the alleys and hit the streets, there were more fucking sirens! I dragged Ty back down the alley and saw a door set in the leftmost brick wall, one that I’d missed previously. Ty and I forced our way in and shut it as quietly as we could, both of us panting, though I was breathing hard because we’d done a lot of running and Ty was probably panicking. I didn’t blame the guy since that’s just what normal people do in high stress situations, but as we stood in the dark, unlit space, we didn’t say a fucking word. After awhile, I couldn’t hear either of us breathing, but the sounds of Five-O were fading off into the distance. We gave it a few more minutes before either of us said a damn thing.

“We got set up.” I whispered. “I told you your boy DeMarkus was sketchy as fuck! Bruh, I told you that muhfucker was a snitch!”

Ty sucked some air through his teeth. “I fucked up, bruh, but we can still get out of this clean. We just gotta wait it out, right? Just like that time Lil’ Bear was snitchin’ and almost got you hit up for coke.”

“Bruh, we don’t know-” I started.

“Ay, take some breaths. You about to have a panic attack and we need you calm, so tell me now if I gotta slip you one.”

“I’m good, I’m just stressed. I gotchu though.”

Ty grabbed my arm and patted my shoulder. “We’ll be alright, Lil’ Bro. The plan mighta got fucked, but we’ll be aight.”

I brought him in a for a hug, and that ain’t some gay shit because that’s my brother. If you wanna talk shit about it, you can see what these hands taste like, macho wannabe bitch. Man, I’m hostile. Maybe I shoulda kept it up with the Depakote? Eh, too late to think about that shit now, but I’m getting side tracked. Ty gave me my hug and we said ‘No homo’ at the same time, so it was kosher.

“Aight, so what’s the plan from here, Jay?” Ty whispered. “This is your area of expertise, bein’ in the closet and shit.”

I flipped him off, though he couldn’t see it, so I decided to rectify that with the flashlight I’d brought along. I flipped it on and pointed it upward, but when I followed the light, the ceiling wasn’t all that high, and looking around, there was barely enough space for Ty and I to take a step in any direction, which made no fucking sense. There were cleaning supplies and shit everywhere, but the door from the direction we’d come in was gone and there was another on the opposite side.

“Yo, what the fuck-” I started to ask.

The door we’d seen opened and three young white chicks looked in at us. From inside someone’s house. Let me reiterate that we were previously being chased by cops in the projects. It made no sense what so ever, so as I was stuck for words, Ty started talking and I started observing. As he was introducing us, I noticed that two of the girls seemed like obvious Tumblrettes. One had mild pink hair and the other had purple hair with a darker violet stripe paired with a pink one. It was actually kind tasteful given how clean the separation was. The third girl was the first I’d noticed, and her blonde hair and tanned skin piqued my interest pretty quickly. I like freckles on a girl, and hers were pretty cute.

“-and we don’t really know how we got in here, so if y’all wanna just like, lead us out, that’d be straight dope. We really ain’t tryna trespass on y’all, don’t mean y’all no harm harm or nothin’-” Ty mediated.

“Slow down there, Sugarcube. We don’t get many Zgarians like you ‘round these parts in the first place, and now ya just pop up in my friend’s closet? Somethin’ ain’t addin’ up here.” The blonde one said.

“You’re telling me.” I said drily. “The last thing we were doing was walking down an alley. From what I see of the house, which is nice by the way, I’m gonna guess that you ladies don’t live in Chatt.”

“Chatt?” The one with purple hair asked. I looked at her and saw that she had purple contacts in too, which I kinda liked. They gave her eyes interesting gradiations, though I wondered what her natural color was.

“Yeah, Chattanooga Tennessee. You sayin’ we’re not in Chatt?” Ty asked dumbly while I rubbed my face numbly.

“Uh, yeah. I ain’t never heard of a place like that. Chattanooga or Tennessee.” The blonde said, worry creeping into her tone.

Ty and I traded incredulous looks. We had a quick conversation without words because we just know each other that well, so I took over for a moment, my breathing shaky. “Miss, could you tell us where we are?”

She tilted her head and gave me a funny look. “You’re in Magiville, small town not even three hours train ride from Encantia, the Capital city of Arcadia.”

“... You’re fucking with me.” I breathed.

“That kinda language really ain’t necessary, bud. It’s not like I’m standin’ around in your house uninvited.” The country girl pointed out.

“Ay, look, we good for a joke. Shit you find funny? Not really what we’re laughin’ about right now, so seriously, where we at?” I tried again.

“Magiville.” She said slowly.

I heard Ty pop the blister pack before he tapped my shoulder. He always did have a keen eye for when I was about to flip the fuck out, so I took the Valium and downed it without a word. “Aight, so we’re just gonna go, okay? Y’all can search us if you want if you think we got somethin’ of yours, y’all can see us out the door and we won’t bother ya twice, or y’all can do whatever. I need to find my brother somewhere to sit before his meds hit.”

“What did you give him? I’ve never seen blue pills before, and they never come in packages like that.” The purple eyed one asked curiously.

“Valium for anxiety.” I said tersely.

“You get medicine made for anxiety? That’s just weird.” The blonde said.

“Applejack! It’s impolite to judge others, especially if you don’t know what they’re going through! It sounds like these poor guys got teleported away from their home country and got caught on the leyline that runs into Magiville.” Purple Eyes said.

“Fuckin’ what? Did you just say some shit about magic? I mean, I really ain’t tryna be rude or nothin’, but magic ain’t real, beautiful.” Ty said as nicely as he can get. He was still being flirty, but that’s how he rolls.

Purple Eyes blushed and I looked at her quiet pink-haired friend. Her eyes were a weird shade of blue, kind of like greenish seawater. I thought it was odd, but then again, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a blonde person with green eyes either. Maybe they were all wearing coloured contacts? I don’t know what white girls do these days. I didn’t look at Shy Girl long since she caught me looking and hid behind her hair, which was a massive turn on for me. In general, I like shy girls because they can hide that secret intimate side that’s definitely worthy of getting to know. I wondered if she was the shy one, Purple Eyes was the leader, and the country girl was the token hick.

“Uh, bud, ya might wanna open your eyes every once in awhile. Magic’s everywhere, in everything. I know you Zgarians have your own special brand of magic, so what’s the deal?” Applejack asked.

I looked at Ty and he shrugged. “Bruh, we landed in a place full of hippies or some shit.” He looked to Applejack. “So can I find a place to put him before he passes out? ‘Cause we don’t really got much time.”

She gave him a look. “Why would you give him something that puts him to sleep?”

“So he doesn’t have a panic attack and shut down.” Ty said, leaving the fact that I might go off the deep end in the other direction out entirely.

“Right. Y’all sure ya don’t know Encantia or Arcadia?” Applejack asked slowly.

“Babe, we don’t even know what a Zgarian is.” Ty answered. “I’m just happy y’all ain’t racist or some shit, to be honest with you.”

Applejack rolled her eyes, but Purple Eyes said, “There isn’t a racist person in Magiville. Sure, there might be a couple of xenophobes, but no outright racists.”

I blinked slowly, my eyelids getting heavy as I shifted from foot to foot to keep myself awake a little longer. “Nice to hear. Can I get somewhere to sit please?” I asked, my tongue feeling fuzzy.

Purple Eyes backed off and Applejack stayed where she was. Shy Girl was already out of the way, but Applejack barred our path. “I need y’all to promsie that you ain’t here to cause trouble.”

“Ay, we promise we won’t start nothin’, just let Jay close his eyes for a little bit and we’ll be out of your hair.” Ty oathed for us.

The country girl nodded and moved, so Ty dragged me around, following Purple Eyes around the place until we got somewhere or other. I don’t remember it too well since I was fucked up off a dosage that was unnecessarily high, but the sleep was good and restful. When I woke up, however, Ty, was slumped next to me and the three women from earlier were nowhere to be seen. I didn’t know what to do, so I pulled my phone out and saw that there was no service, so I turned on the GPS and hope that it would work. I didn’t know whether or not it would without any bars, but it didn’t matter anyway since I couldn’t get a read on where we were at. I shook my head and checked my battery, surprised to see that it was actually more charged than it had been when I’d left the house to go grab Ty.

I checked my bag and saw the fat brick of grass filling most of it, along with some other shit that I didn’t know about. I assumed that it was either coke or H, but either way, that wasn’t my kind of party. The cash made me smile, but checking out my Glock told me that Ty had probably removed it from my person before it slipped out and made those ladies terrified of us. I listened in for a little bit and tried to see if I could hear anything, and when I looked outside, it was either sunset or sunrise. I didn’t know which, so I got off of the couch and had a look around. The place had bookshelves built into the walls, and all sorts of leather-bound creations lined their shelves. I was curious, so I started giving some of them a look or two, and when I saw a theme go on for seven books in a row, I was glad that the Valium was still working.

Every book was either about Magic or Arcadian history. One way or another, the books I’d found were about Arcadia or the the unfathomable, and I wasn’t sure what the unholy fuck was going on. I sat back down and let my thoughts race, grabbing onto singular trains of thought as they sped along before I decided to look for the women so they could answer some questions. A wrong turn down a hallway took me to a bathroom, a guest room, and the closet that Ty and I had come from, and the only other room on the floor was the kitchen, but no one was there. I decided to try my luck upstairs and after stepping into a room that looked like it belonged to a young guy, I found another bathroom. The last door upstairs was either making noises or held the girls behind it, so I knocked and waited for a moment.

Purple Eyes was the one who answered. “Oh! Jay, I’m glad to see that you’re awake.” She gave me a cute smile.

I tried to return it. “Yeah, thanks for the concern. Can we talk for a moment?”

She blinked and glanced behind her. “... Alone?” She asked hesitantly.

“If I could talk with all three of you, I’d prefer it.” I said honestly.

Purple Eyes breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness! I thought you were going to try and hit on me like your brother did.”

I groaned. “I’ll tell him to knock it off if you’re not interested. Dude doesn’t like to think with the brain up here.” I tapped my temple.

She blushed and giggled. “Well, I’ve heard that some guys are just like that, but then again, I know women who prefer to do their talking with the other lips too.”

I chuckled at that, though my heart really wasn’t behind it. “Both sides of the coin, right? So can we talk, or am I interrupting something?”

“... Um… Let me grab the Applejack and Fluttershy and we’ll be right with you, okay?” She gave me a strained smile.

I raised a brow. “If I’m making you uncomfortable-”

“No! It’s not that, I’ve just never had a guy other than my brothers in my room and the idea kind of stresses me out. I’m sure you understand to a point.”

I nodded. “I don’t like having people I don’t know in my house, so I think I get it. I’ll get out of your hair for the time being. Well, after you tell me your name.”

She extended a hand. “Twilight Sparkle, at your service.”

I shook it. “Jameson Underwood. Most people call me Jay or Tweek.”

Twilight tilted her head. “Jay is a nickname?”

“An abbreviation, but yeah. Is your name seriously Twilight Sparkle?” I asked dubiously.

She gave me an odd look. “Yes, it is. You know, Ty asked the same question to Applejack and he didn’t believe her. I think our names are more normal than your to be honest with you. Well, I actually know a Jay, but his full name is Jay Watcher.”

I stared at her before shaking my head. “I’m gonna head down to the kitchen.”

Twilight smiled. “We’ll be down in a moment.”

I headed back down to the place because I wanted to, not because I was told to and had a seat at the table. My mind was spinning as I tried to swallow the metaphorical pills they were tossing at me. I was certain now that Ty and I had somehow slipped through a fuckin’ wormhole or something and ended up in a parallel dimension where magic is real. It threw me through a loop like no other, but like Momma Dorotha always said, ‘Ain’t no point in worrying about your situation. You break it down, give it a look, and you start doing the pieces that you can as you go. You focus on what’s in front of you, and you only look back to see what you’ve already got done.’. They were wise words from a wise woman, but Ty never took his Mom’s word into account when he went out to do dumb shit. My Mom, however, usually reined him in when Momma Marsha couldn’t. Don’t nobody ignore Betty Jean, after all.

While I was waiting in the kitchen, I pulled my grinder and some papers out of my pocket. I still had some loud left over from the blunt I rolled while waiting for Ty, so I got to rolling before I realized that the motherfucker still had my lighter. I left to go grab it and waited to light my shit since I didn’t know if Twilight, Fluttershy, and Applejack were four-twenty friendly. I figured that Twilight might take a hit if I incentivized her to do it since she had a bit of a streak in her, but Applejack seemed a little straight-laced and Fluttershy hadn’t said a word to me yet, so I didn’t really wanna share my shit with her. It’s not like I was aching for bud since I had a fucking pound of the shit, but still.

When the three ladies came downstairs, I said, “Yo, whassup?”

Applejack nodded at me, Fluttershy hid behind her, and Twilight smiled. “We’re just wondering what you wanted to talk about.

“Ah, cool. I was hoping we could talk about this world a little bit. This place isn’t on planet Earth, is it?” I asked, fully expecting them to confirm my suspicions.

Twilight nodded. “It’s not. This planet is called Arkaid. It’s spelled A-R-K-A-I-D.”

“Yeah, no, that’s not Earth. I’m on an alien planet.” I said a bit numbly, rubbing my face.

“Sure seems like it, Sugar.” Applejack said flawlessly, not even stumbling on the mild tongue-twister. “Mind if I ask what brought you and Ty here?”

“Like I said earlier-” I began.

“Uh, no. Y’all weren’t just walkin’ down some alley and suddenly ended up in Twilight’s closet. How about you come up with the truth before we stop bein’ nice?” Applejack requested.

“Feeling the hostility.” I replied drily.

“So was your brother. That’s why Twilight made him take a nap.” Applejack crossed her arms.

I looked at Twilight and dodged the fuck out of her question. “Did you drug Ty or something?”

She was taken aback. “What!? No, I would never do something like that! I just used a little sleeping spell so we could wait and see if you were more diplomatic than he was.”

I nodded a couple times. “So he’ll wake up just fine, right?”

“Whenever you want, I’ll rouse him. The spell should last about four more hours since I wasn’t sure when you were going to wake up.” Twilight smiled apologetically.

“Thanks, I appreciate you not letting him fuck up the first relationship we might build on a new fuckin’ planet.” I rubbed my forehead and closed my eyes. “Y’all said magic was everywhere here, right? Does it affect how stuff works or something?”

After a moment of silence, Applejack said, “Uh, Sugar, I don’t think any of us know what ya mean by that. Stuff only works because of magic.”

I stared at her. “Like how?”

She shrugged. “You name it, magic’s a part of it. Clouds have Magic that let Icarians push them around-”

“I’m sorry, you what now? What’s an Icarian?” I asked.

Applejack gave me an impatient look. “An Icarian is one of the skyborn. Like Mundusians, but with ethereal wings”

“And a Mundusian is…?” I stared at her.

“Me. I’m a Mundusian, and I’m pretty sure you are too if you don’t know how to use magic at any level.” She answered.

I scratched my head. “Look, I’m a biracial Human, and not much else. I don’t know what this Mundusian-Icarian shit is about, but I’m pretty sure I was born Human.”

“We can check if ya want.” Applejack offered. “We checked Ty out and he’s a pretty strong Mundusian.”

I gave her a look. “I personally know both of Ty’s parents, and neither of them come from here.”

“Look, Sugar, no one’s sayin’ they did. We’re just sayin’ that you might fall into one of the three established Paths and not know it.”

I shook my head and pinched the bridge of my nose. “How would we check?”

“All I would need to do is cast a quick diagnostic spell.” Twilight said pleasantly. “It’ll tickle a little bit or a lot depending on whether you’re a Mundusian, an Icarian, or a Medeis, but it shouldn’t do much more than make you giggle.” She gave me a reassuring smile.

I considered it for a second. On one hand, it didn't matter what I turned out to be since I was still going to be me, but on the other, I didn’t have a reason for hesitating in the first place, so I had two different versions of ‘Fuck it, why not?’ weighing against each other. It was stupid. “You know what? Why don’t we do that and we can talk about this whole ‘Path’ thing, if it’s not too much trouble for you ladies.”

Applejack gave me a little smile. “Sounds like you’re hungry for answers.”

I nodded. “I don’t like being in the dark. The more answers I have, the faster I can cobble together a plan and figure out how to get me and my brother-”

“My brother and I.” Twilight corrected.

I gave her a look. “I’m trying to get us off of this planet and back to Earth. I don’t know how we got here, but I’m pretty sure this ain’t where we’re supposed to be.”

Applejack just chuckled. “Do ya believe in The Creator, Sugar?”

“Yeah, it’s kinda been drilled into me since birth.”

She nodded wisely. “Then trust that they got a plan for ya. Whatever brought ya here brought ya for a reason. Ya just gotta find out what that reason is.”

“I can’t imagine what it could be.” I rolled my L between my fingers.

Applejack looked at it. “What’s that?”

I held it up. “Joint. You smoke?”

“Do I what?” She asked.

“Do you smoke weed?” I reiterated.

“I don’t know what it is.”

“Do you mind if I smoke?” I asked hopefully.

She looked to Twilight who shrugged. “I don’t see the harm in it, but how exactly do you ‘smoke’?”

I grinned and started getting my joint lit. “I’ll show you here in a sec. If you want a couple tokes, I’m happy to share. Smoking alone gets boring after awhile.”

“I know some people got pipes and what not for herb blends, but I ain’t never seen something like that.” Applejack commented.

“Well, I also don’t smoke a blend, it’s just one herb.” I took a hit and saw that it wasn’t going to canoe, so I took a couple more drags and held it deep.

Fluttershy sniffed the air. “... I-It’s smelly.”

I gave her a gentle smile. “I’ve heard girls say that guys are smelly too, but for some reason y’all seem to like us.”

She hid behind her hair again, but I didn’t miss the minute smile on her lips. I figured I’d press my advantage and see if I could crack that shell with a few well placed blows. “You know, I’ve never seen someone dye their hair that particular shade of pink. I’ve gotta admit that it looks good on ya.”

Shy Girl gave me an odd look, but Twilight answered for her. “Fluttershy doesn’t dye her hair because it causes too much damage.”

I stared at her for a moment before I shook my head and hit my J a couple more times. “Fuckin’ new planet. Next thing you’re gonna tell me is that your hair is natural too.”

“Well…” Twilight trailed off.

I passed my joint off to Applejack and she looked at it with reservations. “So what does this stuff do?”

“Makes you light headed and a bit giggly. It’s a real mood booster, or at least, this strain is. Some grass might make you clean your house, some might make you sink into the couch for a couple hours. It just depends on what you get.” I explained.

She gave me a doubtful look. “And this ain’t gonna kill me or nothin’?”

“It’ll relax you a little bit, but other than that, there isn’t much to this particular strain. If you don’t wanna hit it, I’m not gonna make you.” I said honestly.

Applejack smirked. “You couldn’t make me do anythin’ I didn’t want to, Sugar.” She hit it way too hard and made a face, but didn’t cough until she got all the smoke out. “That shit hurts!”

“Give it a sec and you’ll see why it’s worth it.” I grinned at her.

She blinked a couple of times and hit it again much more gently. “Gotta admit, I kinda like the way it tastes.”

“I don’t think many people do. At least, not females that I know of.” I said, shrugging.

Applejack passed the joint to Twilight who made the same mistake she did, but ended up coughing harder. “Dear Heavens! Is this poison!?”

“No, it’s a mild sedative. It’s non-addictive and relaxing. Gotta say that it’s my herb of choice.” I leaned back in my chair and removed my glasses so I could rub my eyes.

Twilight made a face and copied Applejacks second attempt, succeeding. “I think I’m already feeling it.” She touched her face with her free hand and offered the joint to Fluttershy.

The shy one hit it gently and did a French inhale effortlessly, repeating the process a few more times. “I have some of this at home. I didn’t know you could burn it.” She said after a minute, blowing through half of the damned thing herself.

When I got my shit back, I gave her a look. “If we end up being friends, we’ll have to smoke together some time. Makes me wanna ask what you do with your bud if you don’t smoke it, though.”

“Oh, I just make tea with it.” She gave me a little smile. “I like it for its calming effects.”

I returned her smile with a mild one of my own. “I’m gonna guess that you get really anxious too sometimes?”

“W-Well… Sometimes I look forward to that cup of tea more than I should…” She admitted bashfully.

I offered her my hand from across the table. “Trust me, Fluttershy, out of everyone in this house, I understand the feeling the best. You saw how Ty reacted when he thought I was going to panic.”

She looked at my hand and reached for it slowly, twitching and recoiling when she made contact with my hand the first time. I didn’t move a muscle, treating her like she was my neighbor’s chihuahua. Little guy just needed a moment to get warmed up to you, and I assumed that Fluttershy was the same way. My hypothesis proved correct when she let her hand rest in mine, so I gave her a gentle squeeze.

“It’s great to have friends around who care, isn’t it?” I asked facetiously. I didn’t need an answer, but I was in the middle of an act that held some truth. If Ty and I were going to be stuck on Arkaid, then we needed friends and I figured that starting with the three women who we’d first met seemed like a good way to get the fire stoked.

“It really is.” She brushed her hair out of her face for the first time and gave me a real smile. “Do you have anyone other than Ty to help you when you get riled up?”

I gave her a tight smile. “He’s the guy who holds my script for a reason. I have some spare that I keep at my dorm, but Ty and I are pretty much all we got right now. My Moms and his are there for me when I need ‘em, but they do a lot of preachin’ depending on what I’m freaking out about.”

Fluttershy gave me a sad look and I glanced over at Twilight and Applejack. They were both listening intently as I talked to their friend, so I turned my attention back to her as she said, “It must be hard, being so far away from your parents so suddenly.”

“I’m really just trying to to think about it right now, to be honest with you. The different planet thing might be big, but being stuck on a world is a lot bigger, and I don’t let myself take Valium unless Ty gives it to me.” I grimaced.

“M-Maybe we should talk about something else…” Fluttershy suggested nervously.

“Right. So can we do that diagnostic spell thing now, or is that a no?” I inquired.

Twilight had been giving me a sad smile, but she perked up a bit when I said that. “We can do it now! Let me borrow your hand for a moment and I can check which type of magic you have.”

I nodded and let go of Fluttershy in favour of Twilight. Speaking of Purple Eyes, the optical whatchamajigs in question were glowing along with her hands, so I watched for a little bit before turning to Fluttershy. I took in her features in a glance, memorizing her face before looking away so I could break it down for myself as I often do with things I like. Her mild cheekbones and slender jaw line gave her the naturally pretty look, and the eye shadow she was wearing made her eyes look more expressive and larger for some odd reason. Her nose was pokeable and her lips looked like they wouldn’t be out of place kissing my tip, but I didn’t want to let my thoughts linger there since I generally try not to fantasize about fucking. It just strikes me as a little creepy, so I turned to Applejack and did the same thing.

Applejack’s strong brow and jawline made her look like the kind of girl who could beat your ass and still look good while doing it, but that might have just been some influence from my first impression of her. Her cleft chin and almond shaped eyes made me wonder about her heritage since she was nearly as dark as I was, though it could have just been a good tan. It’s not like I’m a dark mixed guy. I actually get mistaken for Mexican on occasion, but that’s neither here nor there. I moved on to Applejack’s oddly cute little nose and thought I recognized a faint sheen on her lips as sparkly lip gloss. It might have been my imagination since I only looked at her for about three seconds, but still.

I thought about what I’d seen of Twilight so far and thought that the somewhat pale chick was just cute in a nerdy way. She had a slightly rounded face, ears that were a little too big, a button nose, and a wide smile that told me she did it often enough for it to be her default expression. Too long; need a summary because you’re stupid and lazy; Applejack’s a little masculine, but she’s still kinda hot. Twilight’s fucking adorable as fuck, and Fluttershy can get it anytime, anywhere. I briefly wondered how old they seemed to be around my age, so I asked.

“Yo, if y’all don’t mind me asking, how old are you? I’m twenty myself.” I inquired casually.

Twilight gave me a look with her glowing eyes, which creeped me out a lot. “Don’t you know it’s impolite to ask a lady’s age?”

I gave her a smile. “Don’t you know it’s impolite to leave a question unanswered?”

Twilight grinned back. “I’m nineteen, but I turn twenty in a few weeks.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “First off, I’m a farm girl; I ain’t no lady. Second, I’m twenty-two, so that makes me your elder.” She grinned evilly at me.

“Yeah, but you’re not in my family, so you can suck it.” I chuckled.

Applejack coloured. “That’s uncalled for.”

I raised a brow. “Sorry if you took offense to that. I say it to people all the time and they usually just fire back.”

“I ain’t from Earth, Sugar. You won’t find too many folks ‘round here that take kindly to it either.” She warned.

I nodded. “Before I forget, Ty wants to know if you really would suck it though.”

I received a blush and a stern look. “He’s asleep in the living room. You can’t put the blame on him, pervert.”

I barked out a laugh. “Yo, tell him I told you to suck it and wait how long it takes him to ask you if you’d really do it. I’m asking so you’re not extra pissed off at him.”

She rolled her eyes and I looked to Fluttershy. “So what about you, Fluttershy?”

“T-Twenty-one.” She replied. “I-I’m your elder too.”

“But would you really do it?” I asked, grinning.

Fluttershy blushed and giggled, so I figured that I’d won her over for the time being. Applejack was giving me a look and Twilight seemed amused, so I tried placating the angry orchard. “I’m just tryna get y’all to loosen up a bit, show off how I act so you know what to expect. I’m just treatin’ y’all like I would my friends. Kinda.”

Applejack the Skeptical pursed her lips. “So you insult your friends?”

I blinked at her. “It must just be a guy thing. I mean, everyone I know gives their friends shit because that’s just what we do. Hell, even my Mom, the toughest woman on the planet, still cuts up with me and we roast each other from time to time. It don’t get personal, but we do the superficial shit.”

“Alright, but why do you swear so much? Is there a reason to use that kinda language when you’re not ticked off about somethin’?”

I shrugged. “It’s just how I talk, boo. It ain’t like I’m trying to fu- er, screw around and make someone uncomfortable. Hell, a lot of the preps at my college curse like sailors when finals come around.”

“Just ‘cause other people do it don’t mean you should.” Applejack chastised.

I raised a brow at her. “Aight.” I looked at Twilight. “So how’s the spell doing?”

“We’re just about done. I must say, you’re not very ticklish.” She sounded disappointed for some reason.

“I’ve been biting back giggles for a little while by talking and staying focused on other sh- stuff. I’ve been meaning to ask, did Ty hit on all of you at the same time, or do I not know my brother?” I asked.

Twilight’s cheeks turned rosy and she giggled. “Well, he tried flirting with Fluttershy and I for a little while, but that didn’t go too well for him, so he tried Applejack. It’s pretty clear what he wants, so he got shot down pretty hard.”

“I ain’t that desperate for a man.” Applejack huffed. “Not yet anyway.”

Twilight and Fluttershy giggled at that while I sighed. “Sorry about that, ladies, but Ty’s a tail chaser like you wouldn’t believe. I try to keep his sluttiness down to a minimum, but women are his vice.”

“W-Well, it’s nice to know that we have a real stallion in town now. Magiville always has been low on m-men.” Fluttershy said softly.

I looked at her. “Really? So it’s a feminist town or some sh- something?”

“A what town?” the three of them asked in unison.

I smiled. “If you don’t know what that is, then I’m not going to poison you with it. Are there a lot of towns like Magiville? Where there’s a disparity between the genders?”

Twilight beamed at me. “You know, your vocabulary and diction are very different from your borhter’s.”

“I tend to tailor how I talk to the people I’m around so I fit in a little better. Sometimes the slang still slips out, but I usually manage to make people not feel like I’m some hoodrat.” I gave her a lopsided grin.

Twilight’s eyes and hands stopped glowing shortly before she said, “I don’t know what a hoodrat it, but I do know that your a Medeis. Welcome to the clan, kinsman!” She beamed brilliantly and I broke out laughing.

“Aw shit! I never thought I’d be welcomed into the Klan!” I was having a good time with that one.

“Why do I feel like ya don’t mean one of the three Paths?” Applejack asked somewhat irritably.

I gave her a grin. “There was a group of racist people who were prominent in American history called the Klu Klux Klan. They tortured and persecuted black people like Ty and killed biracial people like me because we weren’t purely Caucasian. I just thought that the way Twilight worded that was on point, deadass.”

Applejack’s jaw dropped. “They what?”

“That was back on Earth. I don’t really suggest worrying about it.“ I said casually.

“... Did those people at least get caught?” She asked worriedly.

I chuckled at that. “Oh, a lot of the Klan’s members are openly a part of the group. The American government doesn’t do shit because they’re white.”

Applejack was distraught, so I tried to assuage her. “Ay, ain’t no point in sweatin’ it anyway. It’s not like you’re black, so you wouldn’t have to worry-”

“That ain’t the point, Jay! How does your government just let people like that walk around free!?”

I shrugged. “I dunno. I don’t get it myself, but I’ve never read too deeply into it. Doesn’t make sense to me either, but there ain’t shit I could do about it, even if I wanted to, so meh.” I hit that double shrug with extra nonchalance.

“... You’re tellin’ me that it just doesn't bother you?”

“Racism was an everyday thing where I come from. Most people? Happy enough to be left alone, but you always got those pieces of shit who just wanna spread that hate around until everyone’s as pissed off as they are over nothing. I don’t think people like that ‘a be worth my time to the day I go.”

“... You’re weird, fella. You’re just weird.” Applejack said, shaking her head.

“And you’re pretty straightforward. I think you’ve got a good set of morals from what I've seen so far. Healthy skepticism too.” I gave her a smirk.

She gave me a confused look. “If this is your way of flirtin’ then I don’t know how I feel about it.”

I rolled my eyes. “I don’t really flirt, I question and observe. I throw strange things into the water to see whether or not someone likes it and I tailor my approach to them depending on that. It makes me friends that last since it shows that I’m not afraid to bend to suit their style while staying true to myself.”

The farm girl gave me an amused smile. “How many friends has it made you so far?”

“Five excluding Ty.” I reached into my shirt and pulled out my cross, pressing it against my lips for a moment before letting it fall back to my chest.

“Well he’s your brother, so he don’t really count.” She chuckled.

“He’s my half brother. We met when we were in third grade and learned that we were related in sixth grade. We’ve always been inseparable, but we bonded more when we figured out that we shared blood.” I explained.

“Ah, so your Dad kept a harem?” Twilight asked. “I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have multiple Moms or Dads.”

I stared at her. “... Is that kinda stuff normal here?”

She gave me a confused smile. “Well, yeah. How did your Dad marry two women if it’s not normal where you’re from?”

I barked out a laugh. “That piece of shit didn’t marry any of the women he knocked up. Last time I talked to him, like, five years ago, he said he had ‘eighteen little niglets calling me Daddy’.” I curled my lip. “Nah, you get multiple women pregnant in America, you’re generally considered a piece of shit unless you’re paying child support and regularly see your kids.”

The librarian (I assumed) seemed rather perturbed by the turn of events. “... Your world doesn't sound like a very pleasant place.”

“I don't know shit about this one, so I can’t say anything.” I shrugged.

Twilight squeezed my hand since she was still holding it for some reason. I wasn’t complaining, her hands were pretty soft. “Maybe… Maybe you could stay the night here since you don’t have anywhere else to go?”

I gave her a nervous smile. “I’d hate to intrude like that-”

“Do ya got a better choice? Unless you wanna come borrow a couple a’ rooms down at Sweet Apple Acres, I think you’re hurtin’ for options.” Applejack cut in.

I felt my face flush and I scratched my neck. “Well… I’ll try and make sure that Ty and I aren’t too much of a bother, wherever we end up for the night.”

“I’d prefer y’all come down to the farm with me. No offense, but I don't trust your brother as much as I’m willin’ to trust you.”

“Can’t really blame you there. We’ll stay with you, if it’s no problem.”

“Trust me, Sugar, we got the extra rooms to keep ya warm for the night. The farmhouse was designed to keep the whole Apple Family after all.” Applejack chuckled.

“I’m guessing you got a big family?” I grinned.

Twilight groaned. “Remembering all those names! I know you just have to name as many apple related dishes as you can, but there’s so many of you!”

Applejack shot her a mock glare. “Why, I’m almost offended by that, Twi.”

Her nerdy friend smiled meekly. “It’s not my fault you’re all so fertile!”

I gave her a funny look while Applejack burst out laughing. “Don’t I know it! I got three more cousins in the last six months!”

“Damn! That’s too much family.” I shook my head.

She rose and stretched. “It ain’t all bad. Just means that there’s a lot of Hearth and Home Day gifts to go around.”

“I have no idea what that is, but if you’re getting presents, then it kinda sounds like Christmas.” I commented.

“When does Christmas happen?”

“‘Round the end of the year.”

She spread her hands. “Might as well be Hearth and Home Day, then. Hate to ruin the mood, but the Sun’s gettin’ low and I start work early, so let’s get your brother and go home for the day.”

I inhaled and exhaled as I rose. “Right. Got a place to stay, so work is the next step-”

Applejack gave me the most disturbing smile I’ve seen on a woman. “Oh Sugar, don’t you let that handsome little head of yours get you all wound up again, ‘cause I got a solution to your problem.”

“... You ain’t goin’ pimp me out, right?” I asked cautiously.

“I dunno what that means, Jay.”

“You’re not going to make me sell my body, right?”

“What the holy fuck is your world, Jameson? Seriously!?” Applejack removed her cowboy (Cowgirl?) hat and ran a hand through her hair. “Alright, ya gotta-”

“Applejack, I was messing with you. Yeah, there are people who would actually do that in my world, but I already said that I trust your morals, didn’t I? If I’m willing to let my brother and I be defenseless in your home, then I trust you, aight?” I made a placating gesture, but Applejack still wore a heartbroken expression on her face.

“... I don’t know y’all’s situation, but I don’t think ya need to go back to a world like that. Next thing you tell me is that you got people forcing themselves on each other or- or killing each other for no reason!” She looked like she wanted to cry out of empathy, and that probably should have been touching.

I tried to remind myself to tell Ty that the three of them were extremely compassionate. “Yeah, so I’m not going to tell you that. However, I will tell you that my planet learned how to view other planets and that shit’s like, way dope.” I made my attempt.

“... Dear Creator above, what if y’all woulda been some murderers or somethin’? We’d…” Applejack held a hand to her forehead.

I got super fake super fast. “Aw shit, now’s really not the time for jokes. Um… Uh… Yo, we don’t really make a habit out of killin’ people, like, we’re both firmly against just, like, murdering someone or some shit. I mean, I don’t know what Zgarians are like here, but we just some dudes who like to do our own thing, don’t like to mess with no one… Well, Ty likes to fuck with people metaphorically and physically, but he’s a dumbass, y’know? Like, we all know that guy, and that happens to be my brother-”

Applejack held her hands up. “Jay, we ain’t worried about you doin’ nothin’ like that. I woulda beat both a’ y’all blacker and blue by now if I thought ya were dangerous.”

I ran a hand over my hair, shit still tied back. “Yeah, yeah, I take you for a good judge of character. Probably woulda decked us or something if you thought we were dangerous.”

She gave me a look. “Oh, I’m well aware of the fact that y’all are dangerous. We searched you while you were sleeping and we found knives on both a’ ya and some metal gizmos that don’t exactly look like party poppers. It’s half the reason I’m takin’ ya home with me. I know I can handle ya if I need to.”

I rubbed my face. “Well, we’re not dangerous to you girls unless you consider Ty flirting with you constantly to be dangerous. Straight up? We don’t fuck with no one who don’t cross us first. Matthew five thirty-eight forty-two: An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.” I figured it was better to leave off that the next part of the verse was literally ‘turn the other cheek’. Kinda contradicts my point.

“What in Tartarus was that?” Applejack asked.

I blinked. “A verse from the Bible, the Christian holy book.”

“Please explain why you’re letting a book tell you it’s okay to get revenge on people.” Twilight asked, her tone clipped.

I raised a brow at her. “It’s religion, babe. It’s how I was raised.”

“... Christian is your religion?” Twilight asked slowly.

“Christianity is the religion, I am a Christian.” I clarified.

“Alright, but Christianity tells you to hurt people?” She asked like I couldn’t understand her.

“Yo, it doesn't have to make sense to you. It’s an ideology from a different world, after all.”

Twilight glared at me. “If I find out that you’re seeking revenge on people, I’ll be very upset with you, Jay.”

I shrugged. “If you can’t tell, I’m a pretty easy-going person most of the time. When I don’t have to stress, I don’t, and I generally don’t let little stuff get to me anyway. I’ll keep Ty in check, so no worries, alright, Dollface?” I added the last part in just to be patronizing, but it made Twilight blush.

“Flattery won’t make me any less upset.” She said, pouting adorably.

I looked up for a moment, pretending to think, then looked at her again. “Would a kiss do the trick, or am I full of it?” I grinned and waited for her response.

Twilight got flustered and Applejack glared at me. “You really ain’t much better than your brother.”

“All I’m doing is complimenting. I have no intentions to go any further than this until I actually know someone. Unlike Ty, I actually like to learn about people before I make any sort of move to get intimate, but even then it usually takes a couple of dates and a certain connection.” I rambled.

She gave me an odd look. “So you’re a tease?”

I gave her a fucked up look. “Me? Bruh, have you actually looked at me? I’m like, a solid five point five out of ten.”

Applejack folded her arms, giving me an amused look. “If you say so, Sugar.”

I just shook my head and looked at Fluttershy. “Do you think I’m cute, Flutterfly Buttershy?”

She lit up and dropped her eyes to her lap, so I looked back to Applejack, swallowing a grin. “I didn’t really expect that to happen.”

“I’m a good lie detector, Sugar. You’re full of it.” The farm girl said blandly. “We’re gonna stop before you end up getting your brother’s reputation and wake him up.”

“Sounds good to me.” I shrugged. “Let’s go get him.”

The Fluttershy and Twilight took the cue and got up, so I took a moment to let my eyes wander as they stretched. I’d already seen that Applejack was a little on the stocky side, but she was only a few inches shorter than me. The girl had some serious muscle on her and a nice, full pair of breasts on her chest. I’d say they were around a C-cup, maybe a little larger. Either way, I liked what I saw. Twilight was likely a full foot shorter than me, but that just meant that she was fun-sized. She sported a B-cup bordering on a C, but I was mostly interested in the bubble butt she had going on. Her ass was wonderful to look at, but I didn’t let myself look too long and gave Fluttershy a glance. She was actually as tall as me and she was rather well endowed. She was easily a D-cup and the Pawg was real with her. Snow bunny was thicc af, on God. Since she was the last one I looked at she noticed me noticing her and I pretended to be embarrassed to see what she would do. I glanced back at her after a moment to see that she was watching me out of the corner of her eye until I saw her looking.

Ty might get more action than me, but I’m just choosy, not incompetent. Or so I tell myself. I might have just struck gold.

Getting back to my newly fucked up life, Twilight went over and woke Ty up over the course of thirty seconds, and when he was back in the world of the living, He asked, “Bruh, did you sneak me or some shit?”

“We figured it was for the best if we talked to you and Jay together.” Twilight lied through her teeth.

“Nah, they thought I’d be more cooperative since you were being your usual self.” I said smugly.

“Fuck you, nigga, I was handlin’ shit just fine.” He scoffed.

“Right. So Applejack’s lettin’ us stay with her tonight, and I swear on Momma Dorotha that I’ll fuck you up if you try some bullshit with her.” I gave him the look and he rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, whatever bruh. I gotchu.” He stood up and popped his shoulders before looking at Twilight. “So how you doin’, Babygirl? You give me a second thought yet?”

Twilight flushed, so I stepped in. “Wait until someone approaches you for once, Ty. You’re gonna build a bad rep at this pace.”

“Why you always a killjoy, dude? Do you not know how to have fun?” Ty asked.

“I’ve always stopped you from doing stupid shit, bro. Don’t think the different planet is going to change that.”

“Least you’re not flippin’ your dick over that shit now.” He said drily before looking outside. “I’m guessing we’re not staying much longer?”

“Nope. I gotta get you introduced to Big Mac so he knows to keep an eye on ya.” Applejack said.

Ty and I traded a quick look. “... Is he a drug dealer?”

The country girl looked at us like we were retarded. “We’re farmers, not pharmacists. We don’t handle drugs.”

“Shit’s weird.” Ty said accurately.

“Mos def.” I replied. “It’s whatever, though. Let’s get this show on the road.”

Twilight came up to me and gave me a hug, which was pretty nice. She smelled like lavender. “Have a good walk, Jay. It’s a little far to get to Sweet Apple Acres from here, but it’s not that bad.”

I hugged her back and gave Ty a shit eating grin. “Thanks, Twilight. Have a good night and sweet dreams. If you actually dream of chocolate, I kinda wanna hear about it.”

We let each other go and she gave me a nice smile. “I’ll be sure to remember it for you. Take care.”

“Likewise.” I turned to Fluttershy and gave her a gentle smile. “Am I gettin’ a hug, or do I have to settle for less?”

She stepped forward shyly, so I made the first move and kept it brief. “It’s been great meetin’ y’all. Here’s hoping we can all get to know each other better while Ty and I are here.”

Fluttershy smiled, her face partially obscured by her hair. “That would be nice.”

I gave her a little wink to see if she would blush, which she totally did, and faced Applejack. “Making friends is fun.”

She gave me a curious look. “For a guy who carries weapons around with him, ya sure seem awful nice.”

I shrugged. “I make an effort for people who are nice to me.”

“He’s a pussy.” Ty said bluntly.

“I’ll hit you in yours if you keep talking shit.” I threatened.

“Fuck with me, boy. I’ll tag you with a six piece before you even get halfway there.” He shot back.

“Damn meathead.” I grumbled.

Ty clapped a heavy hand onto my back in the usual spot, but my days of stumbling were long gone. “Ay bruh, it just means you can be Captain Save-a-Hoe if you really wanna be.”

I gave him a look, but Applejack asked, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Don’t worry about it. He’s talking about women with morals that ain’t exactly up to par, and he’s tryna say that I’d be the dude to make ‘em into respectable women.” I explain.

“AKA Captain Save-a-Hoe.” Ty repeated.

Applejack gave him a look. “I don’t see how makin’ an honest woman outta a gal is somethin’ to poke fun at someone over.”

Ty returned her look with one of his own. “Why you always buggin’ over somethin’?”

She didn’t look amused. “Maybe my morals just don’t match up to your too good.”

“I’d drink to that.” I scoffed.

“Bruh, like, who’s side are you even on right now?” Ty asked.

“Yo, fam, I’ve been trying to get you to walk the straight path for a hot minute. This shit ain’t a surprise.” I said calmly.

“Yeah, but now it feels like I ain’t got no backup. We need the squad in this bitch.” Ty grumbled.

“The ‘squad’?” Twilight asked.

“Let ‘em explain tomorrow. For now, we gotta get movin’ while there’s still daylight.” Applejack said firmly. “Iffin’ y’all wouldn’t mind followin’ me, we can get a move on.”

Ty glanced at Fluttershy and Twilight, but neither of them made a move toward him. “It was nice to meet y’all and all that shit. Maybe we can get together again?” He asked with his trademark smirk.

Fluttershy hid behind Twilight and the purple-haired woman smiled nervously. “Yes, that would be… Nice. Maybe you and ay could stop by for tea sometime?”

Ty frowned and looked at me. “Since when do females like you more than me?”

I looked at him like he was retarded. “Think back to J. Cole’s No Role Models. One time for My L.A. Sisters and all that. These girls ain’t hoes, fam. You gotta treat ‘em like the women they are rather than the hoes you wannem’ to be.”

“Some pussy nigga shit is what it is, bruh. Why you so sensitive all of a sudden?” Ty said with a little heat.

“Still whoop that ass, boy. You ain’t goin’ have time to slip me somethin’.”

He rolled his eyes. “Frontin’ like a bitch. Are we leavin’, or nah?”

Applejack, Fluttershy, and Twilight kinda just stared at us. “... Do y’all talk to each other like that all the time, or…?” The cowgirl asked.

“We ain’t about to throw hands over it if that’s whatchu gettin’ at. We just givin’ each other shit.” Ty explained.

“Gotta admit we take it kinda far. Lotta fights almost got started ‘cause people thought we were bein’ real.” I commented.

Applejack rubbed her temples like she was the one who was on a different planet. “Alright, y’all need to stop that. People are gonna get real worried real fast with how aggressive ya sound when you’re spittin’ such hateful words at each other. Like, cool it. Please.”

“Bruh, we just walked into a world of snowflakes.” Ty grumbled under his breath.

“We walked into a place that seems pretty peaceful, fuckboy. We got lucky.” I replied in the same tone.

“Y’all wanna share with the group, or are ya gonna keep mumblin’ to yourselves?” Applejack asked irritably.

“We’re gonna mumble some more since you wanna be like that.” Ty mumbled.

“This is petty, but fuck it.” I muttered.

“Children, the both of ya.” Blondie huffed. “Whatever, you can mumble and walk, right?”

I smirked at her. “I can even chew gum and blink simultaneously.”

“I can dunk on you.” Ty grinned like a dumbass.

“You can what, bud?” Applejack asked.

“He’s talking about a sport called basketball. All he can do is dunk since he’s tall.” I jabbed.

“All you can do is shoot threes, so you ain’t really got room to talk.” My brother countered.

“Which is worth more points?” I asked with a smarmy grin.

“Fuck off.”

Applejack chuckled. “Y’all need to keep points on stuff like this. Twi, Flutters, y’all have a good night, and don’t forget to do the things.”

Twilight nodded curtly. “I’ll get it done ASAP!”

Fluttershy wrung her hands, but without the haste that usually came with anxiety. It seemed like a force of habit. “I-I’ll talk to Angel and see if he can round up some volunteers.”

Farmer Jane gave her a look. “You’d have better luck askin’ yourself, but if that’s how ya wanna do it, then it’s all good.” She looked to Ty. “Keep your hands to yourself.”

He casually slugged me while looking at Applejack, so I hit him back. “Bitch. I’m sorry, did you say somethin’, AJ?”

“Test me, pal. Keep it up.” She said coldly.

Ty tapped my chest and gave me a grin. “She think she bad, bruh.”

“Why are you the way you are, man? Why are you pissin’ off the person who’s lettin’ us stay in their house?” I asked.

He stopped grinning. “Shut up, killjoy.”

I rolled my eyes. “Ready when you are, Applejack.”

Applejack continued glaring at Ty for a little bit. “So far Jay bein’ such a pleasant guy is the only reason you got a place to lay your head tonight. I suggest you listen to him.”

I grabbed his arm. “Let it go. I’m pretty sure she thinks you been disrespectin’ her instead of fuckin’ around.”

“Ah. Skin ain’t too thick, right. You know how I do with sensitive people though, bro.” My brother scratched his beard.

“Yeah, I need you to not. We gotta do as the Romans do, and it’s lookin’ like the Romans play nice ‘round here, so I need you to treat people in general like you treat my Mom.” I gave him the look.

It was well received. “I’m about to be bored and blue balled.” He bitched.

“Not for long. Walk around town once or twice, you’ll get enough offers to keep ya happy.” Applejack said matter-of-factly.

Ty smiled like a jackass and we got the fuck outta there for the time being. The difference in the worlds was striking within the first few breaths. The air on Arkaid was cleaner than the air on earth, and it might just have been someone’s perfume or a nearby florist, but there was a fragrance on the air that was distinctly feminine. I didn’t know what exactly it was, but when I asked Ty about it, he said he didn’t notice anything, but then again, he’s not exactly known for paying attention to anything without labia and breasts on its chest.

Walking through the town was odd. The architecture was unfamiliar with the houses being somewhat old-timey. I couldn’t really nail what they’d be like since I’m not exactly Mr. Well-Traveled, but the ceramic roof tiles and colorful stylings told me that Ty and I had probably ended up in some hippy-ass town with love and peace and bullshit. It wasn’t a bad place to touch down, in my opinion, but there could easily be some dark underbelly to the town that I wasn’t aware of. I didn’t like not knowing what was going on in the darker aspects of life since I was used to having my finger on the pulse wherever I went. Hell, I was as well connected in Forrester as I was in Alton Park, so I was looking forward to getting my feelers out. I didn’t need to ask to know that Ty was hoping that Applejack had been telling the truth earlier, and a quick glance told me that he was watching her rear with salacious intent.

Dude’s full of testosterone. It’s not my fault, I swear.

Anyway, it really wasn’t that far of a walk to get to Sweet Apple Acres, but it was dark b the time we got to the farmhouse. Applejack let us know that we were going to meet her Grandma and her little sister too, and that if we laid an unfriendly finger on either of them, we’d be dead before we took two steps. Ty didn’t like being threatened, but I respected Applejack’s loyalty to her family and skepticism of us in general, so I broke it down for him and we got the ball rolling again. We got in the farmhouse and the rest of the Apple Family was sitting around with steaming shit in mugs, and they all asked where Applejack had been for dinner shortly before she waved Ty and I in.

I scanned the trio quickly and saw a blonde dude the size of Ty, if not a little beefier, a girl with red hair who seemed to be somewhere around fifteen or sixteen, and and old lady with silver and white tied up in a bun. She met my gaze and I gave her a nod, which made her smirk for some reason. They seemed like your average country folk, but not like rednecks or some shit. They actually looked like they farmed and didn’t blow time mud wrestling or whatever the fuck it is those backwards muhfuckers do.

“Granny, Mac, Apple Bloom, these guys are Jay and Ty.” Applejack introduced us and gestured to each of us in turn. “They got an interestin’ story, but the sum of it is that they ain’t from Arcadia and they could use a place to lay their heads.”

“Shoulda ran that by me awhile ago.” The guy who I assumed to be either her brother or her boyfriend said. Maybe both. We coulda been in Analog-Alabama for all I knew.

“Kinda came up on short notice.” Applejack replied. “If you got questions, feel free to start askin’.”

Mac looked at Ty, but Granny got to me before he could say anything. “Hey Jay, what would ya say your favourite dessert is?”

I thought about it. “Gotta say I like any kind of chocolate other than white chocolate. If it’s chocolate, I like it.”

“That’s what I thought, Sonny.” The old lady said cryptically, but I was fucking lost.

“Granny, what does that have to do with anything?” Applejack asked.

“Oh, nothin’ much. If he woulda said some kinda candy, he wouldn’t be stayin’ under my roof.” Granny huffed.

“Glad to know I passed a test.” I said. “Can we keep not warning me before the tests come up? Keeps me honest.”

“And that’s how we like ya.” Applejack confirmed.

“Why you lookin’ like you wanna go.” Big Mac said to Ty, making Applejack and I sigh.

“Maybe I wanna see if you can use that size a’ yours. Big country boy like you prolly got a mean haymaker.” Ty answered.

“Bro, no. Please.” I said quickly.

“Come on! Let me at least do somethin’!”

“We got a pound of grass and nothing to do with it. Chill.”

“That goes for you too, Mcintosh.” Applejack said in a level voice. “I don’t want you lettin’ yourself get all riled up over nothin’.”

He rolled his eyes. “Sure.”

Ty gave me a look. “So what? You an’ Applejack are the older-younger siblings or something?”

“We’re the mature ones, yeah.” Applejack said blandly.

“Maturity is relative. I’m a free spirit that just so happens to be goal oriented.” I said, baiting Ty.

“Shut the fuck up you fairy ass snowflake.” He said dismissively.

He got glares from around the room and I cracked up. “Sucker.”

Understanding dawned on his face. “You goin’ do your own brother like tat?”

“Ay, I’m just tryin’ to get you to stop fuckin’ cussin’ so much.” I grinned at him.

Applejack jammed a finger into my chest. “You need to watch it too, buster. This house ain’t gonna tolerate that kinda language.”

“Message received, Cowgirl.” I gave her a nod.

She looked at Ty and he nodded. “I gotcha. Don’t start nothin’, won’t be nothin’.”

Applejack nodded curtly. “Alright then. I’m sure we can get y’all sorted out with some leftovers from dinner before gettin’ ya to your rooms.”

Granny got up and lead Applejack, Ty and I to the kitchen where all sorts of soul food was waiting. Collard greens, turnip greens, cornbread, beans with fatback, you name it, it was in their magic fridge. Shit made no sense to me, but neither did the warming basin that they put the food in to get it heated back up. It was some shit straight out of a pseudoscientific fantasy novel or something, and I was thrown through a loop when Granny got my plate put together. Ty and I joined hands with Applejack to say grace, but she had a prayer of her own to go through, so we waited for her to finish before we got started.

I’ve never known too many white people to know how to properly season their food, and I’m not trying to say that white folk can’t cook. That’s straight up wrong. You go to most decent chain restaurants and it’s a white dude cooking your food, but your average suburban Mom? Hamburger Helper doesn’t cut it, Lisa. Apple Family food, however? I gotta apologize to my Grandmomma because they shit was bangin’, and I feel like slang really makes the emotion pop on that one. Like, Thanksgiving with Ty’s family was always dope, but Granny Smith can cook her ass off and put it back on with dessert. The apple pie crust was flaky, yet tender, and the cinnamon in the filling added just the right note to my slice that I was in oral Heaven while I ate that shit. If that pie had a dick, I’d probably suck it for another taste.

Once we got done wolfing down our first meal in about twenty-four hours, Applejack laid down some house rules and threatened to break our balls if we so much as thought about going after her little sister. I tend toward liking older women because they’re more mature, and Ty likes ‘em legal, so Apple Bloom had nothing to worry about from either of us. Applejack, however, had a Big Sister Complex from Hell and made it pretty clear that she’d geld us if we laid a hand on Apple Bloom, so we swore that we wouldn’t touch her if we could help it to make her feel better. I know Ty too well to say that he wasn’t tempted to go start fucking with Apple Bloom that very minute just because he was told not to, so when Applejack left us alone for the night, I took him aside and personally asked him to avoid getting us thrown out before we could get a solid place to stay set up.

As always, Ty took my words for what they were and let it go then and there, so I left him alone in his room so I could try and catch some non-drug-induced sleep. Sadly, it eluded me as I slowly felt the Valium peter out. My mind was awash with worries and fears all over again, so I started pacing around the relatively small room to burn some of the energy that was building up. The clock on the nightstand told me that it was about two in the morning when I heard three soft knocks on my door. When I answered it, I came face to face with Big Mac and he didn’t seem too happy.

“You ain’t sleepin’.” He pointed out bluntly.

“Stressed out, man. Can I help you with something? Anything?” I asked, trying to get my hands busy.

McIntosh jerked his chin, gesturing for me to follow him. “Come on.”

I shrugged off the bad feeling I had and trailed after him, barefoot on the wooden floors of the farmhouse. I hoped that I wouldn’t get a splinter or some shit, but I was mostly hoping that Max wasn’t going to try me or some shit. However, that thought became less likely when I saw that he was leading me to the living room where Applejack was waiting in an old lady’s night gown. Mac sat next to her in a nearby chair, so I sat on the couch across from them.

“Good time to talk I guess. Figure all three of us are having a little trouble sleeping.” I said mildly.

Applejack nodded. “You want some whiskey to help with that? You don’t look like much of a drinker, but a couple shots’ll steady your nerves.”

"You're not wrong, though if you wouldn’t mind too much.” I gave her a lopsided grin.

Applejack started filling the glasses that were on the table and slid one over to me. “Seein’ as how you’re up so late, I got a few questions for ya, Jay.”

I sipped the whiskey. Shit burned. “Ask away.”

“What did you do before you came to Arcadia? What was your job?” She asked.

“I was a college student, working at a little donut slash coffee shop called Dunkin’ Donuts when I wasn’t going to school. The pay wasn’t great, but it put food on my table so I didn’t have to trap all the time.”

“I’m feelin’ like you don’t mean trappin’ animals.” Applejack stated.

“I mean sellin’ the shit we smoked earlier, maybe some snow on occasion. Depends on what I got and who wants what, y’know?”

“Can’t really say that I do. What side of the law did that put you on?”

“It was a way to get by, Applejack. Ain’t sayin’ I’m proud of it, I’m just comin’ clean about doin’ it.” I said softly.

She nodded a few times. “So y’all ain’t exactly the ‘Law-Abiding-Citizen’ type, are ya?”

“We are when we can be.”

“Given how rough your world sounds, it wouldn’t surprise me much to find out that the laws there are just as twisted as some of the people.” Applejack said bitterly, downing most of her whiskey in one go.

“It all depends on how much money you have, but don’t let me depress you. My world is full of marvelous things too, it’s just muddied up by the bad stuff.” I tried.

Mac grunted. “From what AJ tells me, y’all come from Tartarus.”

“We come from America, dude, and it’s not that bad.”

“It sounds pretty bad, but if you’re used to it, then it probably don’t seem like the world’s fallin’ apart.” Applejack muttered.

I drained my glass and grimaced. “Yo, I got a bowl in my bag if y’all wanna smoke.”

“If you wanna do it, go right on ahead. I don’t think that’s my thing.” Applejack said.

“I only need the sauce.” Mac mumbled. What, no ketchup?

I shrugged and went off to grab my shit. When I came back, the Apple sibling were talking about how they would handle Ty if they needed to, but I assuaged them and told them that he would listen to me long before punches started getting thrown. I’ve always been my brother’s keeper just as much as he’s been mine, and I’ve gotten us out of more fights than I can count because I’m usually the one with a cool head. Ty, on the other hand, usually just backs me up if he doesn’t catch me before I flip my shit.

I told Big McIntosh and Applejack that I looked forward to working with them since I’d always wondered what farm life was like, but Applejack’s creepy smile from earlier came back and McIntosh looked like he was waiting for me to find Ben Dover, so I was fearing for my rear until Mac explained that they just liked to work their extra hands as hard as they can and I shrugged it off since I tended to work like a machine anyway. Autopilot settles in quickly enough whenever I want to devote brainpower to something else, so I took their ominous hints and mild cackles with a brave face.

We ended up staying awake until it was time for us to begin work, so I helped Applejack in the kitchen while Mac went to go find some of his clothes from his teenage years that might fit me. When he returned, he told me that he’d laid the stuff on my borrowed bed and I let him know that I appreciated the favour more than he could know, but he just clapped a hand on my shoulder kinda like how Ty usually does and fucked off to go do something else while Applejack and I chatted about some shit. We both constantly sipped on coffee as we put breakfast together and when Granny and Apple Bloom got up to join us, they were thrilled that the food was almost done and all they had to do was wait on it. I had to go grab Ty because unlike me, that boy can sleep anywhere, anytime, for any reason. At least he’s always quick to get moving.

We got everyone settled down at the table and the Apple Family’s prayer came first this time around. Ty and I still got ours in, but that opened us up to a small flood of questions from Granny about our thoughts on The Creator. She didn’t really comment on how I was pretty sure that God didn’t really have much to do with anything these days, but she did chastise Ty for saying grace when he wasn’t a believer. He told her that he preferred to have his bases covered, just in case he was wrong, but I knew that the real reason was that he was just so used to putting up the front that he could slip on the Christian mask whenever he wanted. No one ever asked him about whether or not he actually believed that God existed since they tended to assume that he was Christian due to his choice of ink and ice. Dumbass just thought crosses were cool, and they’re also ‘T’s, which makes him happy for stupid reasons.

I’ll get to our first full day in Arcadia next time. I got shit to do right now, and I really shouldn’t have been writing this long in the first place. Stay Frosty or some shit.

Chapter Two: Handy, Right?

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Chapter Two: Handy, Right?

My first full day in Magiville was shaping up to be a rough one shortly after breakfast. Granny Smith washed the dishes, passed them off to me to be dried, and I gave them to Apple Bloom to be put away. Applejack and MacIntosh were busy asking Ty about everything he was willing to do and then some in the living room, so I figured that they were going to give him a shitty to-do list and expect him to get it done without having any experience in farmwork. It threw me through a fucking loop when Applejack clapped Ty on the shoulder and told him that Big MacIntosh would be mentoring him for the day. I traded a look with Ty and we hashed it out with the usual method, so he played it cool with Mac and tried to get a couple words out of him, but the diesel farm boy was stoic as fuck. It didn’t matter anyway; once Ty got started the only thing you can do to get him to shut up is shove a bottle in his hand or a blunt in his fingers.

When they were heading out, Applejack turned to me and waved me over since I was pretty much just ear-hustlin’, so I didn’t even bother trying to act like I wasn’t listening. “I’m guessin’ we’re workin’ together today?”

She gave me a devious smile. “Not quite, Sugar. Fortunately for Ty, he looks like he can whack a tree good enough to shake it good in two swings. Unfortunately for you, that means we got unskilled hands on the farm and nothin’ to do with ‘em.”

I let my default expression take over. “I’m shoveling. Just don’t make me do it in these shoes.”

Her little smile got even worse. “Oh, if you’re careful and watch out, ya won’t step in a single droppin’. That ain’t whatcha should be worried about.”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “I get it Applejack, domination is your kink. I’m not fond of bein’ stopped from gettin’ my shit done, so lemme at it already.”

“You’re no fun, Sugar.” Applejack’s smile eased into an amused smirk. “No, the cows are good about rememberin’ their trainin’, so we don’t have to go out there too often to do much more n’ wash em. Which is what we’re doin’, if ya didn’t guess.”

“Sweet. Step one?” I asked, honing in.

I got a weird look. “Well, we gotta go outside first. And step two will be the barn, if that’s your next question.”

“Is this how you flirt or somethin’?” I asked.

I got another look, but it was a bitchy one this time. “Like I said, I ain’t exactly desperate, bud.”

That one missed whatever target she was throwing at. “That’s not answerin’ the question.”

Applejack glared at me, then stopped glaring and looked off to the side for a few seconds. “No, that’s not how I flirt. Why was I even upset with yeah?” She looked back to me with confusion on her face.

“I don’t know, but we got work to do.” I said, trying to get us onto our task.

She gave me an amused look. “C’mon then, I guess. If you’re really that eager to wash a bunch ‘a cows that’ll lick ya ta death...”

“I’m not worried about them licking me, I’m worried about them stampeding or something. Animals don’t like me.”

“Good to know. If the herd starts moving, I’ll be sure to use you as my shield.”

“That’s probably not a bad plan. I repel animals pretty well.” I said, grimacing.

“Well that ain’t exactly somethin’ good for workin’ with animals.” Applejack said irritably.

“Look, I’m a mechanical guy, Applejack. You want something fixed, I can probably do the job, depending on what you give me to fix it with.” I scratched my cheek.

“And what would you know about farm repairs, City Slicker?” She asked.

I shrugged. “Got in trouble with Ty a lot when we were younger and one of the places we got sent as punishment was a farm. That’s where I learned that I’m a real handy-man when it comes to just about anythin', tellin’ it straight.”

“Right. Well, what do ya know about plumbin’? Because we got a leaky sink that needs fixin’, but there are more important things for Mac and I to be doin’.”

“Lemme take a look.” I gave her a smile because I was supposed to since I was trying to appear confident. In all honesty, I actually am good with my hands, it’s just that I like to tinker with things a lot more than I probably should.

Applejack went and got me some tools, so I got to work. I’m not going to go into detail about tightening up a few of the right bolts and doing a few other minor adjustments since they were boring, but when I stopped seeing the rough schematics of what I was doing, I knew that the moment was over and I was done for the time being. Applejack tried to fuck with me and run the tap before I could get my fat ass out from underneath the sink, but my repair had gone well and it was no longer leaking anyway. I gave her a triumphant smirk since I like doing a task well, but she returned my smirk with one of her own, though Applejack’s was scarier than mine.

“Oh buddy, I got some stuff I need ya ta do.” Applejack chuckled darkly. “And lucky you, it ain’t all here on the farm!”

I shrugged. “Whatever earns my keep, Boss Lady.”

She gave me another look. “Ya really jus’ ain’t no fun, Sugar. Usually when I tell people I got work for ‘em, they get all chicken-shit or try an’ run off while they think I ain’t ready for it.”

“... I just want to get started.” I said slowly. “I’ve never been a guy that don’t do shit all day.” Whether it was studying, fucking around with scrap, or hanging out with Ty, I never did nothing with my time. I like to keep busy.

“Ya got a real strong work ethic to ya, but don’t let that stop ya from havin’ a little fun. I’m gonna write ya a list of stuff I was supposed to go fix for a couple friends of mine, and if ya get back before sundown, I’ll throw in a few more tasks for ya to do. How’s that sound?” She gave me a familiar smile, recognizing that there’s something not quite right about me. It was a look I got from a lot of people when it came to work.

I gave her a half-hearted smile back. “I can have fun when I’m done.”

“I got a couple cousins who are kinda like you.” Applejack said softly. “I think they got whatever it is y’all have a little worse than you do.”

“They probably do. I was diagnosed as a savant, but that’s not really something I want to get into.”

“Ah, so you’re a real high-functionin’ special guy?” Applejack asked brutally.

I gave her a dead look. “The only thing ‘special’ about me is how much I fuckin’ hate that word.”

“I don’t see why. It ain’t exactly an insult.”

“Skip it. Get me that list so I can get started, please.”

“You really didn’t wanna-”

“Please.” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

She patted my shoulder. “Didn’t mean nothing by it, Sugar. I’ll go get you that list.”

I wondered if I could get away with it, so I suddenly seized Applejack, spun her around, ducked under the haymaker she threw at my face, and rushed her for a hug. She hit me twice before she realized that I was barely holding onto her. “Uh… Sugar, why are ya huggin’ me? Don’t get me wrong; lotta ladies would like to be where I am right now, but why?”

“Seemed like a good time to let you know that there’s no bad blood here, but you officially owe me two licks.” I let her go and rubbed my aching side.

Applejack was already blushing. “Sorry about that, Sugar, I really am, but I thought you were tryin’ somethin’ while my guard was down to be honest with ya.”

“I might try to sneak in another hug, so if someone spins you around while you’re hear on the farm, throw a high punch and I’ll be sure to duck.”

She scoffed at me. “You this touchy-feely with all the ladies?”

“Just the ones I respect.” I gave her a little flirt, the action still a little strange to me. I don’t have a problem flirting, it just always struck me as an odd thing.

That earned a modest smile from Applejack. “Next thing ya know, you’re gonna be tellin’ me that you’re totally into beefy girls.”

I shrugged. “I don’t really have a preference on body type to be honest with you, but now I’m actually flirtin’ and not gettin’ my tasks done.”

Her brows raised a bit and her cheeks pinked slightly, so I figured that the flirtation had landed well. It was confirmed after she said, “Alright, alright. I’ll get ya your list, and quick like too, if ya do me one little favour.”

“What’s the favour?” I asked, having a vague feeling where it was going after having been dragged down the path with Ty more times than I care to count.

Applejack turned her face and tapped her cheek. “Give me some sugar and I’ll get to writin’.”

I gave her a quick peck since that was what she asked for, though I’d thought she was about to play hooky for a little while and try to fuck me. “Easy enough.”

The smile on her face made the simple gesture worth it, but when she actually did what she said she would do is when I started giving a fuck instead of the half I’d been working with. Applejack got my list to me and I started getting some more plumbing around the farmhouse fixed up before I moved onto some good old fashioned fence work. Shit sucked, but it was on my to-do list, so I got it done as well as I could instead of trying to get everything done as soon as possible. Getting the gate back onto the fence was tricky since it was heavy as fuck in the first place, but other than that, everything around the farm was something I’d already done at some point in time either around the hood as a side-hustle or around the house to keep the shit from getting moldy.

I took my list of crap to do and went into Magiville since Twilight’s crazy ass tree was first on my list of places to visit. Y’know, other than the place I started. Anyway, the walk over there was boring since pedestrians are weak to their automobile owning superiors, but I doubted that cars existed on Arkaid since that would just be fucking weird. I mean, the roads in town are cobbled together out of stone and the roads outside of town are all dirt, so why have cars? I gave that some thought up until someone came too close for me to be comfortable, which isn’t saying all that much to be honest. I just like my space.

“Hey there! Are you new to town?” A woman with pale blue hair and sky blue eyes asked.

I stopped walking and waited for her to come a little closer, though it was weird to just stop in the middle of the street. “Yeah, my brother and I just kinda popped in. What’s up?”

She gave me a pretty smile, and she was a pretty woman. So far, I’d yet to scope a girl who was less than a five during my walk, and even then a little makeup wouldn’t exactly bring most of them down. I thought it was odd that a solid seven and a half was giving me the time of day at all since bitches be trippin’ when they think they’re above a six. Before she could say anything else, I was already trying to figure out her angle.

“Oh, nothing’s up. It’s just a little strange that you’re walking around in broad daylight and you haven’t been thrown a welcoming party quite yet.”

I shrugged. “Not a fan of parties anyway to be honest with you. Too many people.”

The woman mimicked me with a shrug of her own. “I never have understood the feeling of ‘too many people’, but then again, I’m not exactly shy.” She gave me another winning smile.

“I see. I’m sure you meet plenty of new people being as outgoing as you are.” I said neutrally.

“Well, not really. Being a Weather Woman keeps me busy most days. Helping organize schedules, making trips to Cloudsdale, getting out in the sky and busting clouds on occasion.” She smirked and shook her head. “I’d like to meet a lot of people, but that’s just not how the small town life works.”

“I kind of prefer the small town vibe, coming from a bigger city myself, though I can see where someone with your general levels of smile and chat might want a chance to get out and use it.”

The woman gave me a strange look, but she didn’t seem upset or particularly confused. “You’ve got an odd way of putting things, but I think that makes you fun to talk to. At least, so far. Would you happen to have some time to talk?”

I shook my head. “I’d love to do it right and actually get to know you a bit,” so I can figure out what you want from me, “but I’ve got more tasks on my to-do list and I rather need to get it done.”

She gave me a sad smile. “Aww, that’s no good! We’ll have to set something up, maybe fan the spark a little?”

Oh?

Warning!

A New Challenger Approaches!

I gave her an oblivious smile because it was one that had suited me well over the years, both when I meant to use it and when I didn’t. “I think you might like to meet my brother. Why don’t you bring a friend and I’ll bring him?”

The blue-haired woman beamed. “Oh, I’d love to, but you wouldn’t mind if I tried to set my friend up with your brother, would you? He isn’t taken at the moment, right?” She asked hopefully.

“I was actually kind of hoping you’d say something like that. My brother is really used to talking to women, unlike me, so he’s usually in their company.” I gave her the same oblivious smile and hoped she got the hint.

She got it alright, but it had the wrong effect. “Oh? So you’re not as experienced with women as your brother?”

“I usually talk to guys. Women don’t usually seem too interested in me after awhile.”

Her eyes narrowed for a second and I saw the pieces slide into place, making me resist the urge to fist-pump and laugh at her. “O-Oh… Um… So what’s your brother like, sweetie?”

“He’s busy like me right now, so my name is Jay,” I kept the same smile and offered her my hand, “and I need to be on my way.”

She accepted it without hesitation, which made me wonder if she was just averse to sleeping with someone who wasn’t quite all there in the head. “And I’m Nimbo Stratus, but my friends always call me Strats for some reason. I like it well enough, but I think it’s just because I’m the Coordinator for the Weather Team.”

“Strats for a strategist. I like it.” I nodded. “When do you want to meet up? I should be off the clock at seven tonight.”

“That’s perfect! My friend gets off at- Wait, no one has a dibs on you, right?” Strats asked.

I gave her an odd look. “What?”

“If you don’t know what I’m talking about, then it’s a no. How about we meet up in Magiville Square for a tour around town since you and your brother are new?” She batted her eyelashes at me.

Sounded useful to me. “Sure! I need to get goin’, but I’ll be sure to make your acquaintance at let’s say… Seven thirty? Ten minutes leeway before anyone gets irritated?”

Strats gave me a funny look. “Are you trying to give yourself ten minutes to be late?”

“No, I’m trying to give either of us a ten minute window before we start thinkin’ that we’ve been ditched.” I gave her a bright smile.

“I’ve waited a lot longer than just ten minutes for someone to show up.” Strats said, chuckling.

“So have I, but it’s rude to keep someone waitin’ for too long. Goodbye, Strats.” The oblivious smile returned.

“See you tonight, Jay.” She gave me a hug out of nowhere and I was a little creeped out by the sudden contact from a near stranger, but my days of freaking out over minor personal contact were long gone.

We parted ways and I glanced back to see that Strats lacked a bit in the ass department, but her chest made up for it in my book. I wasn’t much breast or butt guy, having been a member of the thick thigh theocracy since I hit puberty, but when a woman lacks what I like, then it’s nice to have the other two as consolation prizes. I turned around just as I saw her head begin to move and heard a low whistle for the umpteenth time since I’d entered town. Applejack hadn't been lying when she’d said that Ty and I would get propositioned soon after coming into town, but I didn’t like the whole dibs thing at all. It made me feel like someone was constantly coming after me, and I resolved to start lying and saying that someone did have some sort of claim. Hopefully it would help weed out some of the sketchy, slutty slaws that might be on the prowl.

I made my way to Twilight’s place after being stopped two more times, but I was a little less pleasant those times since I wanted nothing less than to be left alone so I could go and get my shit done. It was shaping up to be a rough day with all the attention I was already getting just by walking around, but I couldn’t very well let that get to me since I just don’t like to be obstructed. I'm stubborn as fuck, and when I knocked on Twilight’s door and didn’t get an answer, I got irritated. I was dead set on fixing the gutter Applejack was supposed to have fixed a week ago, so I set myself to the task by climbing up the side of Twilight’s house. The bark of the tree was rough, but it was strong enough to bear my weight and let me get up the eight or so feet I needed to start getting the thing put back together.

Then I fell on my ass.

Rinse and repeat that process six more times before I actually got the bolt that was loose back in place so the damned thing did its job. My back hurt and my ass was killing me like Mandingo had paid me an overnight visit, but It was worth it to be through with the task. I checked the list again and scratched my head since I didn’t know where the fuck the southernmost side of town was. I figured that I’d just head out into town and wait for someone else to hit on me since it had already happened multiple times in the course of a few dozen minutes.

I made my way into town and meandered about for a little bit until a young woman, most likely in her upper teens, stopped me with a smile and a gentle tug on my hand. She almost got decked until I saw the look on her face, though the pastel pink and purple hair threw me off a bit. “Hi there! You must be new to town, right?”

She didn’t let go of my hand and I suppressed the urge to smack her. “... Yeah. My brother and I just came in yesterday.”

The young woman let go. “Well, welcome to Magiville! If you ever need a hand, never feel afraid to ask for help.” She smiled pleasantly.

“Right, thanks. By the way, and speakin’ of askin’ for help, I’m looking for the southside of town. One of the co-owners of Sweet Apple Acres gave me a to-do list and I need to get to a woman named Fluttershy’s house so I can fix,” I checked the list, “‘Damn near every faucet in the house.’. Applejack’s words, not mine.”

The young lady chuckled. “That sounds like Applejack alright. She never was afraid to let loose a few bad words when the time came.”

I gave her a look. “Aren’t you a little old for ‘bad words’?”

She blushed and pouted. “Don’t make fun of my morals and convictions, Mister! I’ll poke you something fierce!”

I resisted the intense temptation to pat her head. “Please don’t poke me and please do point me toward the south part of town.”

The chick glared at me adorably. “Apologize for making fun of me and I’ll take you there myself.”

“I’m sorry for bein’ culturally uneducated.” I said, getting closer to actually being honest.

She gave me a funny look. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything.”

I tapped my chest. “In American culture, my culture, most people get used to cursing around ten or so.”

“That sounds awful strange, Mister. I mean, I’m eighteen and my sister’s twenty-one, but neither of us do much swearing. I think it might just be a guy thing.”

I shrugged. “It might be. Can we go now?”

“You remind me a bit of my friend Scootaloo.” She giggled. “She’s a busy body too.”

“I know your friend’s name, but not your name. I’m Jay, by the way.”

“I’m Sweetie Belle, but you can give me a nickname if you want. I know it’s a bit of a mouthful compared to a single letter.” Belle smiled at her little jab.

I looked at her as she grabbed my wrist and started dragging me along, but answered anyway despite my discomfort. “My full name is Jameson, but I prefer Jay. I guess I’ll be calling you Belle.”

She turned and gave me a pouty look. “That’s not very creative.”

“I don’t really know you very well either.” I pointed out.

“That’s fair, I guess. Hey, do you wanna stop and grab something to eat? My last tour paid off pretty well and I’d love to share the wealth with a new friend!”

“Last tour? Are you a singer or somethin’?” I asked.

I could see the hint of a sheepish smile from where I stood. “Well, I only got popular in the last few months, but you could say that I am.”

“Oh? I’m in the presence of a risin’ star?” I said.

“Just with girls and women around my age so far.” Belle said quickly. “I mean, I’m nowhere near someone like Sapphire Shores.”

“I’ll have to attend one of your concerts some time.” I would have flirted with her, but I rarely ever set my sights on someone younger than me. That, and I couldn't think of a way that sleeping with her would have benefited me at all.

“Just not going to comment on the Sapphire Shores thing, right?” She sighed.

“I don’t know who that is, so I can’t really say much. Your voice sounds pleasant to me already, so I’d like to hear you sing.” I said.

Belle turned and gave me a big smile. “I don’t usually do private audiences, but I can always make an exception for the right price.”

I didn’t want to hear her sing that badly, but I figured that it would be a good way to grow closer with her as a friend, just in case I needed something from her later. “Name your price, Belle.”

Her cheeks pinked slightly. “Okay, that’s growing on me a little, but anyway, my sister and I are having a competition. She wants to see which of us can find a better date, and we just haven’t had any luck since we started. You seem like a nice guy to me, and I’m sure a nice, free meal seems like a nice bonus to our little exchange, so what do you say?”

I blinked. “Sure. If you need to get ahold of me, I’m probably going to be at Sweet Apple Acres for a little while until I can either figure out how to go home or afford a place of my own.”

“Oh, so you’re living with Applejack? She hasn’t claimed you, has she?” Sweetie Belle asked worriedly.

“No one has any sort of claim on me at the moment, but I’m starting to think that I should be telling people that someone does.” I said drily.

She turned to give me a doubtful look. “Lying about being claimed won't make you any friends anytime soon. Actually being claimed, on the other hand, isn’t as bad as I’m thinking you think it is.”

“Would you mind explainin’ it for me then?” I asked politely.

She smiled. “I would not. When a woman puts a claim on you around Magiville, it’s mostly just a bracelet that says that someone already has their eyes on you and doesn’t intend on sharing.”

“... And what’s stoppin’ me from, say, wearing a random bracelet and saying that you're claimin’ me?”

Belle blushed brightly. “W-Well, I-I can’t say that I would mind if you did, but that really does imply certain things that I don’t think you’d be okay with.”

“Hmm?” I asked, knowing full well what she was talking about. “I’m not catchin’ your drift here.”

Belle didn’t lose her blush. “W-Well, I’m sure you understand that having a claim to someone’s heart means that you might have a claim on other things of theirs, right?”

I gave her my oblivious smile. “I’m guessin’ that it means somethin’ like sharing food and a living space?”

Belle nodded. “Well, that’s a really innocent way of looking at it, but yes.”

“So why don’t you claim me and I can stop worrying about getting hit on all the time?” I asked.

She let go of my wrist and started working her fingers; one of my own little tics. “Well, if you really want me to…”

“I feel like there’s more to it, otherwise you wouldn’t be hesitating.” I commented.

“Well… There's kind of the whole ‘couple’ deal…” Belle chuckled nervously, glancing at me as we walked.

“Really now? A couple of what?” I resumed my oblivious smile, dialing it down to a dopey grin.

She blushed again and rolled her eyes. “A couple, you silly man. As in boyfriend-girlfriend type deal.”

“The terms are unfamiliar to me. Is it like bein’ betrothed?” I asked.

“Kinda. It’s a lot less serious than that, but it’s still not to be taken lightly.”

“Ah, I see. So if I were to ask you to claim me, it would tell everyone that we were quote-unquote ‘drinking coffee’ late at night.” I said sagaciously.

Belle tittered. “That’s a really innocuous way of saying it, but yeah, essentially. I thought guys were supposed to be more vulgar than you’ve been so far.”

“I swear a lot when I’m with my brother, but that’s just because it makes him feel better when I do. Other than that, I don’t make much of a habit of it.” Which was bullshit. I swear in my head all the time, I just happen to know how to be polite.

“That’s not a bad thing, but that makes me wanna ask you a couple things, if that’s okay.”

“I don’t see why it wouldn’t be.”

“Right! So why would you say I’m too old for bad words to affect me if you don’t say them yourself?”

“Because I do say them, I just don’t say them all the time. It’s not like ‘fuck’ is every other word out of my mouth like some of my kinsman.” White and Black. Fuckers need to stop cursing so fucking much.

I heard Belle mumble, “Wouldn’t mind if you did it to me,” before she audibly said, “It’s not that I get offended or anything, I just think it’s unnecessary.”

“I get it. You know, this is probably the longest I’ve walked through town without being bothered.”

She grabbed my wrist again and gave me a smile. “That’s because I was touching you. It’s an obvious sign to back off.”

I raised a brow. “So it’s like claiming me?”

Belle blushed again. “Yes, but it’s not as solid, you know? If someone walks up and wants to talk to you, I can’t really lie and say that you’re mine.”

“Ah, so it’s a halfway point or somethin’ like that?”

“Something like that.”

Belle and I chatted amiably all the way to Fluttershy's place, and I have to say that she didn’t piss me off at all. She seemed to be okay with just being friends, at least, for the meantime. I didn’t know how long that was going to last, so I enjoyed it while it was going on. As it turned out, Sweetie Belle didn’t mind singing me a little folk song, and it was a lovely little tune that I still remember to this day. When she was finished with her song, I gave her mad props for being a dope vocalist, and she let me know that she and Fluttershy sang duets on special occasions, and that I could probably convince them if I really wanted to. I chewed on that one for a moment and deconstructed that avenue. It would probably raise a flag-worthy event that I could capitalize on to grow closer to both Fluttershy and Sweetie Belle simultaneously with minimal effort, so I asked Belle for the thing since I could see ways that having their favor would work out for me. I mean, Fluttershy was already someone who’d piqued my interest, and Belle would probably have some sway due to her popularity.

Don't get me wrong now, it’s not like I’d just she their resources without remunerating them in some way, it’s just that I think about what I can do to make my path as clear as possible. It’s why you could call me an unknown serial killer and not be wrong, it’s just that I don’t feel the need to leave a calling card. Blood is all the proof I need to leave of my presence, and that’s all I ever leave, just none of my own. I’ve always been a planner while Ty’s been the impulsive one, and my skill at foreseeing random twists and turns usually does me pretty well.

While I thought about some of my past pieces of modernism, Belle brought us to Fluttershy’s cabin, and I do mean cabin. It was made out of logs and looked quite homely, though I was more tempted to call it a home for a Hobbit since it was partially built into a hill and was surrounded by a few different animals. I let Belle knock on the door since she obviously knew Fluttershy better than I did, but when the pale pink-haired woman opened the door, she smiled up until she laid eyes on me. Then she hid behind her hair.

“O-Oh… Hi Sweetie. Hi Jay.” Fluttershy said shyly, partially hiding behind her door.

“Hi Flutters! How are you today?” Belle asked pleasantly.

“I-I’m doing okay…”

I coughed a couple of times. “Applejack said you needed some plumbing work done, so I came in her stead. If it’s okay by you, I’d like to take a look at what we’re working with.”

Fluttershy blushed a little and the door opened, so Sweetie Belle lead me into Fluttershy’s house. It was a rustic little cabin where a few animals of various species could be seen chilling one way or another. A bear held a fox between its paws while both of them napped, a jackalope hopped around aimlessly, and a few birds chirped and fluttered back and forth, stretching their wings I suppose. There was plenty of movement in Fluttershy’s house, so I was a little edgy, and my presence made the animals go deeper into the house where I assumed there were more.

The woman I’d met yesterday showed me to her kitchen and critters of different levels of ‘Eek! (insert rodent)’ scampered off as I fucked around with her plumbing. I accidentally busted a nut (Ayy lmao. Didn’t think about it till I saw it.) and had to use one of the spares her father had insisted that she keep under the sink. It was all well and good, but Fluttershy still had a leaky shower and a dripping sink upstairs to fix, so I had her lead me to them and started getting those tasks done as well. The shower was an easy six since Fluttershy wanted to replace the fixed head with a removable one that gave me pleasant thoughts, but the dripping sink was just a bad seal that wasn’t even technically a fix in my book. It just took some tape and a washcloth to do up right, which meant that I only had three more things on my list to do, and it wasn’t that long since noon had passed in the first place.

Fluttershy was incredibly grateful that I’d helped her out, so she insisted that I sit down for a cup of tea, despite my desire to get to ‘Rarity’ so she could tell me what a ‘Palace issue’ was. I was pretty sure that it meant that her toilet was broken, but I only had so many tools on hand, and Applejack’s toolbox was a little heavy. Another trip across town was going to suck. Once Belle and I were sat down on Fluttershy’s couch, she brought us both a cup of tea, but when I sipped mine, it was a little obvious that there was a shot in the cup.

When Fluttershy sat down, I asked, “Are you trying to get me drunk so I’ll fix more things for you?”

The pink-haired woman giggled. “W-Well, there’s something wrong with one of my windows, too.” She teased mildly.

Belle tittered. “Oh, stop it, Flutters! He’s going to think you actually do have more work for him!”

Fluttershy giggled some more and sipped her tea. “It’s not exactly every day that we get someone as skilled with their hands as Applejack you know. Especially not a man with her talents at that.”

I smirked. “Marry me and your house will always be in tip-top condition. Just don’t ask me to tend your cotton garden.”

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “I don’t think anyone grows cotton around here. It’s not really one of the Breadbasket’s things.”

“Breadbasket?”

Belle nudged me. “Magiville is on the outer edges of the Arcadian Breadbasket. Encantia is on the border of the Northeastern region.”

I ran through my memories and checked the map I’d seen in Twilight’s library. Arcania was vaguely shaped like the United States, and I do mean vaguely. It almost looked more like Ohio or some shit; a squashed up, squared version of America, the the edges were a bit ragged and there were islands on either side. If I stretched out my mental map, I’d have placed us in eastern Ohio, oddly enough. Fucking Buckeye pieces of shit, the only good thing I ever got from that shitty state was the candy buckeye I bought on a whim while visiting some of my Mom’s family (My Grandpa), though that was on the west side. I hoped that the sucky east side would be less sucky than the west side, but my hopes weren’t high in the long run.

“Ah, I suppose that could be useful information. Thank you.” I gave them the dopey grin.

Fluttershy responded to it well and Belle nodded. “No problem. I’m sure you have a lot of questions, being new to town and all. Especially since you don’t seem to be from Arcadia.”

“What gave it away?” I asked neutrally.

Belle raised a brow. “I haven’t met an Arcadian with your hair and complexion. Your hair has gradations like my sister’s, but it’s curly like Pinkie Pie’s, and both of them were born just outside of Arcanian borders.”

“And? Why should that mean anything?”

“Your general lack of knowledge on Arcadian culture, perhaps?” She flashed a triumphant smile.

I made a face. “I almost had you going, so don’t give me that look.”

Sweetie Belle smirked. “You’re just mad because you got owned.”

I put my hand on her high on her thigh and squeezed gently, watching as her eyes shot open and her face flushed. “No one’s mad here, Belle.”

She didn’t say anything to that, so I turned to Fluttershy who was looking on with an expression that I’d seen on a lot of Ty’s girlfriend’s. Jealousy and envy were dangerous tools that I love having at my disposal, so I left my hand on Belle for a little longer than I needed to, at least, to get back at her properly.

When I took my hand back, Belle said, “Uh… Right, I-I.” She blinked rapidly for a moment before giving me a stern look. “Hey! That’s playing dirty!”

I gave her my dopey smile. “I don’t understand.”

Sweetie Belle glared at me and huffed. “You know what you did!”

“S-Sweetie B-Belle, Jay is from another world. That might be a normal thing for him.” Fluttershy said preciously.

Belle pouted a little bit and kept glaring at me. “I don’t know how things are wherever you're from, but you shouldn't be touching women there anyway!”

“It wasn’t an erogenous zone, so I don’t see what the big idea is. I’m sorry though.” I said, completely full of shit.

“... It’s okay, just warn me if you’re gonna do it again.” Belle said softly.

Fluttershy coughed, and I didn’t miss the minute glare she was giving Belle as she said, “So Jay, how are you adjusting to Arcadia so far?”

“Well, everything’s still so new, but I think I’ll be okay here. At least for awhile, or until I can make it home. I don’t think living here would be too bad, but America really is the best country on Earth.” I sighed.

“... Didn’t you say-” Fluttershy started.

“Yes, I said that a lot of terribly terribad things happen in America, but it doesn’t mean that the aspects of the country that are good aren’t extra good.”

“... Right. So… H-How do you like the tea?” Fluttershy asked.

I was taking a sip as she asked, so I said, “I’m not much of a drinker to be honest with you. I prefer the burning bush to the liquid fire any day of the week.”

She perked up immediately. “Oh! I-I have some of that particular herb on hand, but I don’t own a pipe or anything.”

I chuckled. “I keep rolling papers and a lighter on me, Flutters. No need to worry.”

Fluttershy flashed me a bright smile. “Then I’ll be right back!”

While she was rummaging through her cabinets in the kitchen, Belle brushed her fingers down the length of my arm. “So are you trying to get claimed by just anyone, or are you actually just not from here?”

“I’m not from here, but it just strikes me as odd that Arcadia has a system in place for making sure that a person’s prize is kept.” I remarked.

“Well, that’s just because the population tends to lean one way or the other. It makes it hard to keep the population stable, but it’s the best way to keep everyone happy without harems getting too big.” Belle explained. “I might be one of the few women in Magiville who could start her own harem, but right now mine would be filled with other women.” She sighed.

“Never send a woman to do a man’s job, like back rubs and omelettes.” I said darkly.

Belle stared at me until Fluttershy returned with a little jar full of her herb that looked… It was… It was magnificent. I could hardly see the green and gold past all the frosty trichomes covering the beautiful specimen. I felt the willy will itself to life as Fluttershy reached across the table and handed me the mason jar she kept her tasty, tasty shit in. Like, if weed was shit, I would have 2 girls 1 cup’d the fuck out of Fluttershy, right then and there, in front of Sweetie Belle too.

“Jay? Are you okay?” Fluttershy asked after a moment of me staring at her weed.

“It’s fuckin’ dope. This dope is dope. So dope.” I murmured, cracking the jar open so I could inspect the buds for myself.

“... Does that mean it’s good?” Belle asked, still a little weirded out from earlier.

“Bruh, like, yo! I’ve never seen weed this fuckin’ frosty! You gotta show me where I can get some of this!” I beamed at Fluttershy.

She smiled back at me bashfully. “I-I don’t know a-about that… Wh-What if you can only g-get it through m-m-me?”

Oh?

Warning!

A New Challenger Approaches!

The opening theme from Pokemon Emerald played in my head as a random Flag Event was tossed into my lap. I switched into the gaming gear and sent a hook of my own into the water with, “Well that would mean that I’d have to come and visit you more often, now wouldn’t it? I can’t say I see a downside, Ms. Drug Dealer.”

I heard Belle huff quietly as Fluttershy’s eyes sparkled. “Neither can I, b-b-but m-maybe it w-wouldn't h-have to be the sole p-purpose of the v-visit?”

I gave her an easy smile, the bait and hook completely unnecessary. My prey was trying to jump into the boat. A little gentle teasing would cement the deal, however, as experience has proven. “I don’t know... I mean, I’m not sure if you would enjoy my company very much.”

Belle squeezed my hand and gave me a warm smile. “I don’t know about Fluttershy, but I’ve very much enjoyed your company.”

“I-I’ve enjoyed your company too! You’re a very pleasant man!” Fluttershy spouted quickly.

“Thanks to both. Nice to know that I’m not unlikeable.” I said, wearing a small smile as I rubbed my left shoulder with my right hand; a gesture of weakness to bait them.

“Did someone tell you that, because it’s completely untrue! You’re a very likeable person, Jay!” Belle said fervently.

I gave her a little smile, saving a better one for Fluttershy. “Again, thanks, but I have my moments.”

“E-Everyone has their moments! A lot of people say that I’m really nice, but even I get snippy…” Fluttershy said, dropping in volume as she went along.

“More like slutty.” Belle grumbled, barely loud enough for me to hear.

I jammed a thumb into her side while smiling at Fluttershy. “It’s all about how the people around you vibe, y’know? I mean, it’s not like you’re just gonna be up and smiley while someone’s miserable nearby.”

The pink-haired woman gave me a questioning look while Belle glared at me, rubbing her side. “R-Right... “

I nodded and got started with breaking the bud down as the ladies watched on. I’m going to skip the process because it’s simple, and if you’re legal to smoke in a legal state, you’ve probably done it already, so it’s not exactly a long shot for me to say that whoever’s reading this should know what it do. I’m going to skip the smoking of the L because shit was lit and hearing about everyone coughing because the shit was that potent in more than passing is just unnecessary.

When the joint was roached and everyone was stuck, one way or another, Fluttershy sat on the other side of me on her couch, meaning that I was touching both women simultaneously. It bothered me. “So, Jay,” Belle began, her eyes crimson like the tide, “how long are you planning on staying in Magiville?”

“Until I can find a way to get my brother and I back home. If we’re stuck here, then I don’t really see a reason to move away. I mean, the place seems pretty good so far.” I replied, chilled to sub-zero.

Fluttershy’s fingers lightly danced over the back of my hand. “You know, we don’t really have a handyman around town. It might be nice if you stayed.”

I flipped my hand over so that the contact was mutual, thus making it okay. “I don’t think you’re going to convince me to abandon my home so easily.”

Fluttershy laid her head on my shoulder as Belle did the same, and they spoke at the same time, interrupting each other. The took a moment to get off of me and glare at each other and I felt rather uncomfortable when Belle said, “Maybe you should start building the groundwork for a life here instead of hoping for something that might never happen?”

I stared at her, but Fluttershy was the one who said, “Sweetie Belle, how heartless! You can’t just tell a person to give up on seeing their home again!”

Belle had the good grace to look ashamed. “S-Sorry, I didn’t think about it too hard.”

“I think it might be better if you left.” Fluttershy said, her tone clipped.

Sweetie Belle stood to leave, but I grabbed her hand and gave her a little smile. “I’m not upset, it’s just… Thinkin’ of not seeing my Moms again sucks.”

She gave me an apologetic smile. “I didn’t mean to bring up nasty thoughts.”

“It’s okay, Belle. Can I still expect an invite to your next concert?” I asked, extending a branch fucking loaded with olives.

She seized and ate the wood first, then the fruit of the tree. “Of course! The moment I organize another tour, tickets will be in your hands!”

I beamed at her. “Glad to hear that you can still be nice, meanie butt.” A little teasing for seasoning.

Belle put on a pout face for all of two seconds before smiling, but with a little extra behind it this time. “I can be even nicer if you want me to. It’ll definitely cost you, though.”

Oh?

Warning!

A New Challenger Approaches!

I gave her a fake ass, bitch ass pout. “Why does everything cost something? Can’t you give me a freebie?”

Sweetie Belle pretended to consider it for a moment. “Weeell… I guess I could give you a freebie. Just one though!” She pointed a judicious finger at me.

I rolled my eyes. “And if I want my freebie to be a mouth-hug?”

She blinked. “I don’t know what that is, but it sounds nice. I guess it could be that.”

I rolled my ass of in my head. “Are you sure? It doesn't have to be a mouth-hug.”

“Well now I’m curious! What is it?” Belle smiled, her eyes gleaming as her trespass was forgotten.

“I think it’s just called a ‘kiss’,” I threw up some quotations, “here, but in America, it’s called a mouth hug. I was warned against greetin’ anyone other than close friends that way last night.”

Fluttershy gasped. “Don’t tell me you kissed Applejack!”

I gave Fluttershy a stern look. “Of course not. I kissed her Grandmother.”

Silence ruled the room before the two women both started giggling at the mental image of me kissing a woman who was most likely in her upper seventies. “That’s hilarious! I don’t know if I want to give you a mouth-hug now!” Sweetie Belle said through her laughter.

“Would you be willing to accept my lower head into your mouth?” I asked, sounding innocent.

Belle stopped laughing and lit up. “Uh…”

“Jay! Don’t pretend like that’s just a normal thing to ask of someone!” Fluttershy pinched me.

I gave her a shit eating grin. “What would you have done if she’d have said yes?”

“I would have made you get out of my house too!” Fluttershy huffed. “In fact, why don’t you come visit again sometime soon?”

“Ah, the undertones of dismissal.” I chuckled. “Sorry Fluttershy, but I thought it was funny.”

She gave me some serious side eye after brushing her hair behind her ear. “... It was, but that was very inappropriate.”

“... Just so we’re clear, Jay asked me to give him a lick and he knew exactly what that implies?” Sweetie Belle asked.

Fluttershy nodded. “Yes.”

Belle glared at me adorably. “I bet you knew that grabbing my thigh was a dirty move all along, didn’t you!?”

I kept my face blank. “I don’t like being touched at all, so I don’t know where people should and shouldn’t be touched since I really try not to do it.”

She gave me a doubtful look. “Are you sure about that? You already tried to pull the wool over my eyes once!”

I pointed at Fluttershy since I’d scooted away from her after Sweetie Belle stood up. “I stopped touching Fluttershy since there was space on the couch so I wouldn’t have to. I don’t really like personal contact.”

Belle made a face. “So what about when I lead you here by the hand?”

I shrugged. “It was easy to keep my mind off of it since we were talking.”

“Oh… I’m sor-”

I waved her off. “Don’t worry about it. You can pay me back by taking me to the Carousel Boutique since I was supposed to be there already anyway.”

She blinked. “Oh, you’re coming to fix that infernal door!”

I raised a brow. “Do you work there when you’re not on tour or something?”

Belle and Fluttershy giggled. “No, that’s my sister’s shop. I used to stay there with her a few years ago when she first got her business up and running, but then I made my own way in the world. I can’t believe you haven’t mentioned where you were supposed to be going next!”

I gave her a look. “Well it’s not like you ever asked.” I turned to Fluttershy and gave her a quick hug. “It was nice to see you again so soon. Here’s hoping we don’t get tired of each other at this rate.”

She giggled and gave me a squeeze, holding me even as I let go. “Come back soon, Jay. I’ll be sure to make cookies next time.”

“Sweet! Snacks and eye candy! I might grab another cup full of diabetes and lose a foot or something.” I threw it out there to see how it would be received.

Fluttershy let me go and gave me an odd look. “I-I understood that you’re excited about snacks…”

I gave her a winsome smile. “I am.”

“... What were the other things?”

“If I kiss your cheek, can I skip the explanation?”

She tilted her head. “I don’t understand.”

“Neither do I. Guys are weird.” Belle said flatly.

“No, what I just said made perfect, logical sense. It’s a well known scientific fact that women are genetically insane.” I said, quoting my Biology and Sex Ed. textbooks by heart.

They both gave me looks that I’d seen Ty get a thousand times, but it made no sense to me. “... What's with the looks? It’s not like it’s an insult or anything. Men are perfectly capable of being insane and some do.”

Fluttershy recovered first. “Wait… A-Are you serious?”

I nodded slowly. “Yeah. It was a recent discovery, shortly after my people discovered the ‘cure’ for insanity. The cure turned out to be an extremely expensive treatment that would grant a patient days if not months of lucidity if taken at the correct dosage, but they identified the chemical that’s released from your brain that causes things like depression and psychosis in the process. It was discovered that carrying two ‘X’ Chromosomes would mean that your brain would slowly release more of the natural neurotoxin as your body matured and continued through the monthly cycle-” I lectured ruthlessly.

“Stop! That’s- That’s- That’s just- Jay!” Fluttershy cried, unable to handle old news.

I shrugged. “Like I said, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about or anything. It’s just nature.”

Belle groaned. “Do you seriously think that we’re crazy people?”

“It’s impolite to point it out. I’d rather just support you as I can in your endeavors.” I gave them an easy smile. “Let’s get goin’ Belle. We’re burnin’ daylight as is.”

Fluttershy gave me a pouty look. “You called us crazy!”

“I dindu nuffin. I never called you in particular crazy. It’s just that Human women are nuckin’ futz.” I said honestly.

Fluttershy gave me a stern look. “Maybe the women from your world are crazy, but the women here are all perfectly sane.”

I nodded, but Belle cut in with, “Well, not Pinkie.”

Fluttershy grimaced. “Not Pinkie, but most.”

I nodded. “Of course. I shouldn’t expect the same laws to apply across worlds.” Give way, nice and easy. Don’t scare them off.

They nodded simultaneously. “Exactly. Just because something is one way in your world doesn't mean it’s going to be the same in this one.” Sweetie Belle said firmly.

I wanted to see if I could tug on their heartstrings a little, so I closed off my body language and tried to appear nervous, not saying a word. Fluttershy caved first and said, “It’s okay, Jay. You just didn’t know, right?”

“Right… Still, even if you were, it’s rude to even say anything. It’s just supposed to be understood.” I maintained.

“So why say anything?” Belle asked irritably.

I shook my head. “If I lose focus, I start saying bad stuff. It just happens.”

“So you're just constantly trying not to swear at people?” Belle asked doubtfully.

“I’m constantly trying to clean up my language, yes.” I answered.

Belle wore the pout she usually wore until it turned into a look of acceptance. “I guess it must be really hard for you to adjust to a new country and all.”

“I’m from another world.” I said casually.

That earned me a look. “Right. I sure do believe you.”

“H-He’s telling the truth.” Fluttershy defended quietly.

Sweetie Belle’s jaw dropped. “Wait, seriously!? We’re in the presence of an alien!?”

“I guess you could say that. Just don’t deport me without my brother.” I nodded once.

“No one’s deporting anyone!” Belle said, shocked. “Arcadia doesn’t deport peaceful people!”

“Well, that just sounds like a better reason to stay smiley and happy time. I don’t wanna get deported, Granny Smith cooks too well.” I made a sad face.

The ladies giggled. “I guess the way to a man’s heart really is through his stomach.” Belle said.

“It would certainly seem like it. I wonder if I could win Jay over with a nice dinner.” Fluttershy said, only half joking.

Belle gave her a triumphant look, but dialed it down when she saw that I was watching. “I don’t know, Fluttershy. Maybe we should be making him work for his food?”

I gave Belle my most serious look. “It’s been a lot of work already, keeping my hands to myself. Both of you look like you take time for your hair, and it definitely shows.”

She blushed and smiled. “Well thank you, but why would that have anything to do with keeping your hands to yourself?”

I tilted my head at her. “Is it common for Arcadians to touch each other’s hair?”

“Yeah! When someone takes really good care of their hair, it’s not exactly odd for someone to come up and compliment you on it. I’ve had dozens of my fans ask me how I make my hair shine.”

“But do they actually touch you?” I asked.

“They touch my hair.” She answered.

“Strange.” I commented.

Belle shrugged. “I’m sure you’ll have time to get used to it. After all, I know I’d like to touch your hair, I just don’t know if guys treat it the same way girls do.”

I touched the curly mess that was my hair and pulled my pick out of my back pocket. “Let me do a little a little extra maintenance and I’ll let you cop a feel.”

The young singer blushed and looked at Fluttershy. “That sounded like innuendo.”

Fluttershy looked a little irritated. “You might be hearing things. Jay might have different terminology for things like that.”

“Feeling hair?” I asked obliviously.

Belle gave me a look. “We’re not going to give you more opportunities to mess with us.”

I continued picking out my hair. “Sounds lame.”

“It is lame. Now, are you one of those people who came multi-task, or do you have to finish with your hair before you can walk?”

I gave Fluttershy a quick hug and a subtle peck on the cheek because she was my favourite so far. “Sorry to cut the visit a little short, but I’m sure we’ll have plenty of time next… Time. I don’t like saying the same word in the same sentence.” I frowned.

Fluttershy giggled. “Goodbye, Jay. It was really nice to see you again so soon.” She said, blushing lightly.

I gave her a warm smile. “If you promise not to make me fix too many things next time, I might give you a special present.”

That piqued her interest. “Hmm?”

I gave her a wink and a lowkey grin. “You’ll see, beautiful.” I said softly. More loudly, I said, “Let’s get goin’, Belle. We’ve got an infernal door to take care of, right?”

Belle beamed brightly. “We sure do!” She flashed a smug grin to Fluttershy who was still touching her cheek from where I’d kissed her. “It was great to see you again, Flutters. We’ll have to get together again over lunch or something soon.”

Fluttershy blinked a couple of times before smiling some more. “Uh… Yes, that sounds lovely.”

Belle gave her some unimportant response that was laden with gloating, but Fluttershy bore it with a smile since I’d given her more affection than I’d given Sweetie Belle, and I fully planned on keeping it that way. The absolutely stacked, dumb thicc woman had little to fear from the slender, younger woman who severely lacked in the thigh department. Belle was bony whereas Fluttershy had a nice musculature to her while still being soft and supple, which I liked a lot about the woman. It didn’t hurt that she was a classic shy girl and that she was easily a nine out of ten, even when you could only see half of her face.

While walking with Sweetie Belle, she chatted on and on about how I was going to love meeting her sister, but she also took the time to remind me on multiple occasions that I’d agreed to go on a date with her instead of Rarity. I found it a little irritating to be reminded of the fact that I’d made a promise for the simple reason that I don’t forget such things. If I don’t keep a promise, it was either out of my hands, or it was stupid in the first place. I don’t make promises I don’t intend on keeping, and I had to let Belle know that I wasn’t exactly trying to switch teams on her at the moment.

Belle held my hand once we got back into town, and when we got to the Carousel Boutique, she called out, “Sis! I’m back!”

I looked around the ludicrously garish shop; mostly a study in white, blue, and violet. I liked the colours well enough, but I felt out of place in the extremely evident upper-crust atmosphere and tried to stick next to Belle since she was the one who had lead me into the strange place. It honestly reminded me of heading up to Pennsylvania to go visit with my Mom's other half of her family (My Grandma's half), but with more clothes that were far fancier than any those White Devils could ever afford. Snobby, stuck-up fucks were always quick to point out that I wasn’t purely white, or that Mom’s didn’t have the same kinda cash flow, so I wasn’t really expecting Rarity to be worth a used piece of toilet paper, let alone a shit from the source.

While I was having my misgivings, Belle was giving me a nervous smile. “I’d just show you to the thing that needs to be fixed, but Rarity is really persnickety about who she lets into the kitchen. I don’t think we’ve ever actually had a guy in there.”

“It’s a good thing that I’m just a woman with flat breasts and facial hair then.” I said seriously.

Belle giggled. “You’re funny, you know that?”

I gave her an odd look. “I identify as a female.”

She blinked. “I-I don’t understand.”

“I was born a female in a man’s body. It is a terrible curse.” I nodded.

“... So… you’re a guy?” Sweetie asked slowly.

“I look like one.” I answered.

“Right. Do you have the… equipment, shall we say, to be a guy?”

“Yes.” I nodded.

Sweetie Belle looked at me like I was crazy. “If you were naturally born a guy and you have guy parts, then you’re a guy.”

“That’s not how it works. Gender is a mental construct.” I said wisely, quoting the lunatics who still spouted that decade and a half year-old nonsense.

Sweetie Belle just gave me the funniest of looks. “You’re an odd one, you know that?”

“It’s usually the order of the day.” I gave her a little smile.

She rolled her eyes, but didn’t comment on it. “You don’t really think you’re a girl, do you?”

“No, but there were people from my world that identified themselves as all manner of things. It makes no sense to me, but Ty gets it. He’s really against it, but he gets it.”

“Doesn’t make any sense to me, but then again, it is a concept from another world.” She said.

I shook my head. “It feels like a concept from another world to me too, but I’m from that world. Shit don’t make sense, but it’s not my job to make sense of it.”

Belle nodded. “Just because you don’t understand something doesn’t mean that you should judge someone on it.”

I gave her a look. “You were judging me when you thought I was being serious.”

“It’s a concept from another world; you don’t have to understand it.” She said, giving me a mischievous grin.

I poked her and she poked me back, which made me poke her, thus making her poke me back. It was mutual contact most of the time, so I was okay with it, but when this one bitch with way too much makeup came from behind a curtain that reached the floor of the doorway, Belle straightened up and I got the last poke. She flashed me an irritated look and I gave her a smug smirk, so she tried to deny my status as winner by poking me, but I just stepped away.

“Sweetie Belle! I see you’ve brought a friend along.” The person who I assumed was Rarity said.

Belle gave me one last look before turning to her sister. “Yeah, this is Jay. He’s new to town and staying with Applejack for a little bit.”

Rarity came over as she said, “Well it’s a pleasure to meet the friend of a friend!” When she got within arm’s reach, she extended a hand. “I’m sure Sweetie Belle has already told you my name, but I’m Rarity, the owner of this establishment. I’d give you my usual slogan, but I have a funny feeling that you’re not here on business.” She said with an amused smile, her accent irking the fuck out of me.

I gave her my oblivious smile as I shook the proffered hand. “It’s nice to meet you, Rarity. I actually am here on business, though I think fixing your door is just a little task.”

Rarity’s smile froze. “You’re here to fix my kitchen door?”

I nodded. “It was on the to-do list Applejack gave me.”

“I’m dreadfully sorry, in that case.” She gave me an apologetic smile. “It would seem that you’ve come all this way for nothing.”

I blinked at her. “I’m not allowed to fix the thing?”

“Well, it’s just that I happen to prefer to keep the actual home part of my home private.” Rarity said begrudgingly. “It’s not exactly often that I let strangers into my living quarters willy nilly. I’m sure you understand.”

I tilted my head. “But the door is broken and I can fix it.”

Rarity gave me an odd look. “... I’m sure you could, but this is more of a task for Applejack herself.”

I nodded three times three separate times, thumbing my nose on the last nod of each set. “Yes, it’s Applejack’s task. You say it’s Applejack’s, it’s your house.”

“... Right.” Rarity took a half-step back.

Belle touched my arm. “Are you okay, Jay?”

“I don’t like it when I’m supposed to do a thing and I’m told not to do the thing.” I said truthfully.

“Ah, I understand that feeling, to an extent.” Rarity chimed in. “It’s like starting on a new piece and then having someone cancel on you, I would say.”

I nodded. “I guess it’s pretty similar.” I checked my list again. “I have more tasks to do. I hope I’m allowed to do these ones.”

“Oh? What all do you have left?” Belle asked.

“I have to go to Sugarcube Corner and fix some lighting and a few wobbly tables.” I replied. “It doesn’t sound like anything too difficult, but I’m not sure if I can do the lighting. I don’t think I’ve seen an actual wire or any sign of electricity, come to think of it.”

Rarity gave me a funny look. “I think the Tenotites and the Argons use electricity since their Medeis population has always been historically miniscule, but Arcadia’s population has always been suited more toward magical energy.”

I blinked at her and tilted my head. “You mean everything runs on Magic?”

She nodded slowly. “Yes, darling.”

“Jay is from a different world, apparently.” Belle added for fun.

“I am. I come from a planet called Earth where there isn’t a drop of Magic, at least, not to my knowledge.” I replied.

Rarity took another half step back. “Right. Well, I’m terribly sorry to cut our visit short, but I was rather busy and I simply must get back to my work.” She gave me a nervous smile because she thought I was crazy.

I figured I’d be nice since she was one of Applejack’s friends, and probably one of Fluttershy’s too. “In that case, I hope you have fun with your work and have a good day.”

Rarity nodded curtly. “And the same to you, Jay.” She looked at her sister and sweetly asked, “Sweetie Belle, could I speak with you for a moment?”

Belle grimaced and grinned. “As much as I’d love to have a quick word with you, I think a needs me to lead him to Sugarcube Corner, right Jay?”

I liked Sweetie more than I did Rarity, so I said, “If it’s no trouble. I don’t want people to keep hitting on me.”

Rarity paled slightly. “So you haven't been claimed?”

I shook my head. “People have tried, but I just want to be left alone at the moment. I’ve only been on this planet for a few days, and I’d rather try to go home than find love, y’know?”

The seamstress (I assumed at that point. I know for sure now.) paled even further. “Are you saying that you really are from a different planet?”

I pursed my lips. “Well, I either come from a different planet, or I was born on this one and am completely crazy.”

While Rarity was thinking of the most polite way to tell me to get the fuck away from her, Sweetie Belle grabbed my hand and gave Rarity a smile. “How about we just let you get back to work and I’ll see you tomorrow?”

Her sister gave her a tight smile. “I’ll be done at the usual time tonight, so why don’t you come by then?”

Belle chuckled awkwardly. “I’m so sorry, but I have a thing I have to do. I’m sure you understand.”

There was a glint in Rarity’s eye that made me worry about Belle’s flat little ass. “Of course, dear sister. I completely understand.”

My new friend breathed a sigh of relief. “Great! I love you, sis, and I’ll see you around, say, lunch?”

Rarity nodded once. “Lunch it is. Do take care, Sweetie Belle.” She cast a quick glance toward me.

I gave Rarity a dopey smile. “Belle won’t have to worry! She’s been really nice to me all day, so I’ll definitely repay her kindness when it’s time for us to go our separate ways.”

The fire of an older sibling’s protective streak sparked to life in Rarity’s eyes. “And just how do you plan on doing that?” She asked coldly.

“Rar-” Sweetie Belle began.

“Well, Belle took me over to Fluttershy’s house, lead me here, and said she’s going to take me to Sugarcube Corner, so I should make her a pie!” I lightly clapped my right fist into my left hand like the idea had just struck me.

A familiar look crossed Rarity’s face before she gave me a familiar smile. “OH! Well in that case, I hope you two have a wonderful walk.”

Belle gave her an odd look since she didn’t know the significance of the facade I’d put up. “I’m sure we will. Before we go, I feel like I should tell you that Jay’s agreed to be my date for our little competition.”

A few expressions crossed Rarity’s face in the course of a few moments, but I had trouble telling what they were specifically. Something had made her a little happy, somewhat irritated, and at the end, she just put on a fake smile and said, “I suppose I’d better get a move on in finding a date of my own then.”

Belle gave her a patronizing smile. “If you can’t find one, Jay has a brother. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind setting you two up.”

I considered it quickly, taking in Rarity as a whole, using what I’d observed from her so far to come to my conclusion. To a point, she was right up his alley since he was really into rich Snow Bunnies with the little accent and all, plus Rarity wasn’t exactly rough on the eyes. She had a great figure on her, though she seemed to lack in the ass department like her sister. She made up for it by being built like a tempting secretary in the chest department, and she was rather pretty, just not to my tastes.

After that brief second, I smiled and said, “I think you'd like him. He’s more handsome than I am and he tends to hold a conversation better.”

Rarity flashed her sister an irritated look before giving me a small smile. “While I’m sure that he’s nice-”

I made myself wince. “Well…”

Her brows raised. “Oh? You would have let me go on a date with someone who wasn’t nice?”

I tapped my index fingers together rhythmically. “Well, it’s not like he’s a butthead all the time.”

She huffed playfully. “Well I’m glad you told me sooner rather than later. Perhaps I should meet this brother of yours and teach him some manners?”

I dropped the shy act and gave her a look. “I’d pay you for the kindness. I’ve been trying to get that guy to act right for years.”

Belle tugged on the sleeve of m jacket. “I’m not letting you drag this one out, buster. We’ll catch you later, Sis.”

Rarity rolled her eyes. “Do take care, Belle. Be sure to spend your time off wisely.”

“Won’t catch me wasting a moment!” Belle announced as she dragged me out the door.

Sweetie Belle didn’t stop dragging me until we got off of Rarity’s street and into the town square where she eased up on her grip and slowed down. I didn’t comment on it and kept my eyes wandering as we passed through the German-esque, colorful old town. The architecture was nice and rustic, but there were discrepancies, like with how the windows were definitely modern when compared to the older stylings of the house. It was a curious little thing, but as I noted the opulent amounts of floral arrangement adorning just about every open space in the town, Belle came to a stop in front of a building that looked like a mother fucking gingerbread house and gave me a little smile.

“This is it! Sugarcube Corner; the best bakery in the Breadbasket!” Sweetie Belle announced happily.

I nodded and started walking toward it. “It’s structure is strange. What's it made out of?”

“Enchanted baked goods.” Sweetie said, giggling.

I nodded again. “Okay, that’s odd.”

“I’m not being serious! No one actually knows what it’s made out of other than the Cakes and Pinkie Pie.”

“Those are names, right?”

“Yep!”

“Alright. I suppose I’m going to be meeting the Cakes and Pinkie Pie here in a sec?”

“Sure are!”

“Cool.” I said, opening the door to the establishment. The smell of dozens of different kinds of sugar goodness assaulted my senses.

It gave me a headache from the get go since too many smells give me headaches, but it was a pleasant headache, if that makes any sense. Like, it didn’t feel terrible, but it was an occasional throb that, while hurting, still felt pretty decent afterward. Belle let me take a few more steps before she took ahold of me again and started leading me over to a counter slash display case that held a number of delectable looking confections. Lemon squares, many kinds of cookies, fudge-iced brownies, and a few cakes that had slices taken out of them. The lemon squares made my mouth water since I like them, but my attention was on the short, pudgy woman in from of me.

She had terribly hot pink hair with a pale pink streak down the middle, but she wore a motherly smile as Belle introduced me. “Hey, Mrs. Cake! I brought someone to lend you a hand!”

Mrs. Cake raised her brows and gave me an appraising look. “Ah, a handyman, are we?”

“Somethin’ like that.” I gave her a little smile.

“Well, Mr. Somethin’, I have a few things I need you to take a look at, if you don’t mind.”

I didn’t mind and I took care of business as usual. The tasks weren’t hard to complete and usually only took a couple of minutes, so I was able to leave Sugarcube Corner pretty quickly. It was only about five thirty by the time I was done with all of my crap, so Belle asked me if I wanted a tour around town since I had some free time. I asked her if I could reschedule on that so I could see if Applejack had anything else for me to do and she just gave me a pouty look that probably didn’t do what it was supposed to. She compromised and asked if she could come along, so I agreed and we chatted some more on our way back to the farm. Belle basically gave me a crash course on everything she liked, which included long walks and talking, visiting friends, checking off tasks on a list, and cupcakes. The last one was probably one the forefront of her mind because she’d just gotten a cupcake from Sugarcube Corner.

When we got back to the farm, I had no idea where any of the Apple siblings were, so I headed inside to the living room. The moment I stepped through the door, Granny laid eyes on me as she was coming from the kitchen and said, “Ya can’t be done already! AJ told me that list she gave ya shoulda taken a couple days!”

I gave her an odd look. “None of those tasks were particularly difficult compared to some of the jury-rigging I’ve had to do. Having proper tools made this a lot easier, if it’s any explanation.”

“I don’t usually watch people fix things, so I can’t say whether you were fast or not.” Belle said, scratching her cheek.

“It was my normal working pace.” I answered. “Is there anything else I can do?”

Granny scratched her chin. “Well, ya could wash up and help me with dinner.”

I nodded. “I like cooking.”

“Mind if I pitch in? I’ve-” Sweetie Belle started.

Granny pointed a crooked, damning finger at her. “Oh no you don’t! I still remember the time you an’ Apple Bloom turned my poor kitchen into the second Reign of Discord!”

The younger woman blushed brightly. “That was years ago! I didn’t even have my Mana Mark yet!”

“Uh-huh.” Granny said drily. “I’m sure ya got better things ta do than stick around here and crush on Jay, so why dontcha come a’callin’ on the weekend?”

Belle stayed red. “Granny! I do not have a crush on a guy I’ve known less than a day!”

The older woman raised a brow at me. “What do you say, Jay? Ya seem like a pretty observant guy to me.”:

“I’ve got her wrapped around my little finger.” I held up my pinkie, grinning.

“That’s what you think, Mister!” Belle objected.

“I got you to lead me around all day, didn’t I? Remember how reluctant you were to help out the weird guy?” I teased.

She gave me a womanly look. “If I remember correctly, I offered to help you.”

I gave her a hug, surprising her. “And you’re the sweetest Sweetie Belle for that!”

Granny gave me an odd look and I just gave her a wink, receiving a nod in turn as Belle pushed me away, her face bright red. She left her hands on me when she said, “I’m the only Sweetie Belle you know.”

“You’re also sweeter than a lot of people that I know.”

“Well, thank you, I guess.”

I patted her arm. “You’re welcome. It’s time to get washed up, so unless you want to scrub my back…?” I wiggled my brows at her.

Belle rolled her eyes. “I’ll be going home now. Take care, Jay. Bye Granny, I love you!”

“Bye darlin’, love you too.” Granny chuckled.

“See ya later, Belle.” I gave her a smile.

She smiled back before rolling out, so I went to go do the scrubbing before I got into the kitchen and helped Granny whip up dinner. We made pork chops, mashed potatoes, and corn, so Granny let me shuck and slice the kernels off the cobs of corn and peel the potatoes, but when it came to the actual cooking, she took care of everything and I basically just tried to stay out of her way. She added some bacon fat that she kept in a jar to the mashed potatoes and I thought she might actually be trying to give someone diabetes. After tasting them, I brushed the thought aside and concluded that she was trying to send someone to heaven.

Applejack, Macintosh, Apple Bloom, and Ty all came in from the orchards smelling of sweat and Apples, so Granny made them hop in the showers before ordering me to do the same. Ty and I just kinda scratched our heads because we didn’t have anything to change in to, but then Applejack and Big Mac pulled through with some of Big Mac’s old clothes. Ty wasn’t much smaller than MacIntosh since the farm boy was only bigger around the waist, so they were able to wear the same clothes. I, however, got some older hand-me-downs that were well worn, though well looked after. I’d always had a soft spot for old clothes since I liked using things until they couldn’t be used anymore, but that was always tempered by my enjoyment of new trinkets and things like that.

When the clothing situation was sorted, Mac took Ty to one set of showers and Applejack took me to another, which I thought was weird since we were going to have to shower one at a time anyway. Or rather, so I thought. When it turned out that we were heading to a type of communal bath type deal with shower stalls, I wondered why the fuck I’d been set up with Applejack instead of MacIntosh since she was his sister. I mean, I’d rather be the person seeing my sister naked than some stranger whose intentions I know nothing of. Maybe my logic is lacking, but as Applejack started to strip, she noticed my hesitance.

“What? You ain’t afraid of a little water, are ya?” She teased, stripping her shirt off to reveal something I wasn’t looking at.

I kept my eyes straight ahead as I said, “I’m more surprised that you’re okay with me seeing you naked after only knowing me for a day.”

“Not sure I follow your line a’ reasoning here, Sugar. I’m sure I ain’t got nothin’ you ain’t seen before.” She scoffed.

“True, but I haven’t seen it on you.” I tried to head toward one of the stalls with my clothes in hand when Applejack caught me. A quick glance told me that she’d just gotten her boots off.

“Look, that’s real sweet of ya and all, but modesty ain’t exactly common ‘round here. You’ll probably see whatever I got to offer a couple a’ times while you’re here, so ya might as well get used to it.” Applejack said, amused.

I looked her in the eye. “Why am I here with you instead of with Ty?”

“Because Mac and I don’t shower together and there ain’t no way in Tartarus that Mac would let your lecherous brother come close to me while I was wearin’ less than jeans and a shirt.”

I nodded. “I see. So you trust me, but not him?”

Applejack narrowed her eyes at me. “My brother says that Ty might be the one we should be lookin’ out for, but I say it’s you. You’re the dangerous one.”

I tilted my head. “Of course I am, but I don’t understand why you’re letting me have so much leeway, giving me so much space to move around. I visited two of your friends today, after all.”

Applejack raised a brow. “Ya shoulda met four of ‘em.”

“Twilight wasn’t home and Belle told me that Pinkie Pie was probably the person I was supposed to have talked to when I went to Sugarcube Corner. I talked to Mrs. Cake.”

“Ah. So you’re wonderin’ why I’m lettin’ ya walk around instead of keepin’ ya on a tight leash like Ty?” I nodded. “Because you’re not the right kind a’ dangerous. You’re an administrator type and Ty is the one who gets his hands dirty. Without your brother, ya might as well be a King on a chess board.” She smirked at me.

I gave her a gentle smile. “You’ve got it all wrong, but you’re as right as you need to be.” I patted her bare shoulder. “Oh yeah, I have a double date with Ty at seven-thirty, so don’t expect for me to sleep with you tonight.

Applejack gave me a look. “I’ve never had a man and I don’t need one, Sugar.”

I snuck her a kiss because I could, but Applejack didn’t pull back right away. She let her lips linger for a moment before she leaned away and gently pressed a finger against my lips. “How many women have you kissed with those lips today?”

I tilted my head at her, the finger still on my lips. I held up a one with my hand and she asked, “So who was it?” as she took her finger away.

“I kissed Fluttershy’s cheek because I like her too.” I said.

“Why didn’t ya kiss her like ya kissed me?”

“I didn’t feel like it.” I replied simply.

Applejack patted my cheek. “Give me some warning if you’re gonna try that again. If I like it enough, I might just have to put a claim on ya.” She smirked.

“You’d put a claim on someone as dangerous as me?” I asked, amused.

“Shit, Sugar. I’m the only one I’d trust to put a claim on you besides Twilight.” Applejack said drily. “If you’re interested in Fluttershy, I’m gonna have ta stonewall ya unless ya let me supervise.”

“Voyeur much?”

That got a blush out of her. “I just don’t want ya hurtin’ anyone.”

“I won’t until someone gives me a good reason. I don’t make a habit out of lashing out for no reason.”

Applejack turned me so that I was actually facing her and it became a lot harder to look her in the eye. “What do you want while you’re here, Jay? What do you want out of Arcadia if you can’t go home?”

“... Guess I want a nice place to live were I ain’t gotta worry ‘bout no bullshit. Just want some peace and quiet, maybe get rich and relax in life.” I answered honestly.

She gave me a warm smile. “You know that’s the Arcadian Dream, right? Lotta people who manage to get here the legal way find it.”

“Sounds like the American Dream.” I said drily. I took a deep breath and said, “For the time being, I need to get Ty and I on solid footing, so if you can help us find work-”

“Bub, work a couple a’ days on the farm a week and ya can stay here until ya find somethin’ ya actually wanna do… Might find some kinda bargainin’ chip later, but I doubt you got one right now. Anyway, that’s what I’m offerin’.” Applejack raised her chin and dared me to disagree.

“Three days and we look around town. If we’re not looking, we’re working.” I stated.

“As I’d expect.” She answered curtly and extended a hand.

I shook it. “It’s hard to take this seriously when you’re jiggling, but I’m managing so far.”

Applejack gave me a flat look. “Ain’t you seen a pair before?”

“I’d say more than my fair share, but I think more than the ones on the women I’ve slept with is too many... “ I made a face.

That put a funny look on Applejack’s face. “You’re not gonna try somethin’, are ya?”

I cringed visibly and she crossed her arms. “Ew! You’re sweaty! Why? Why? Why would I even do that when your genitals have sweat!? I’ve seen you lick your lips and saliva is all well and good, but no! No!”

I said the wrong words.

Applejack hopped out of her jeans in mere seconds before leaping at me, wrapping me up in a gross, squishy hug. She was still wet with sweat and I could feel it through my clothes as she clung to me and my insides were melting at the feeling of it.

“RRRRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!” The filthy normie was all over me. The filthy fucking normie was all over me with her FiLtH. It was awful.

Applejack held on and laughed her ass off. “What in tarnation kinda noise is that, Jay!?”

“Oh my God please!” I shuddered.

She let me go and and I raced off into one of the stalls, stripping my clothes off as I went until I fell into a door while trying to take my pants off. I scrabbled under the door as I got both my boxers and pants removed and clear of the splash zone moments later. Saying fuck it to being fancy with my socks, I tore them off and forgot about my glasses as I got the water going. It was cold as shit when it started, but I needed to get clean, so I grabbed the soap I’d brought in with me and got to scrubbing every inch of skin I could reach while Applejack laughed her ass off for a good few minutes. Once all I could see was bubbles on my skin, I exited my stall, entered the one the little shit was still giggling in, and slapped the fuck out of her fantastic ass. She jumped about a foot in the air and whirled around.

“Hey! You better keep your hands-” Applejack started.

I quickly and accurately flicked one of her nipples. “Where you can see them!? Fuck off!”

I left her stall, but she followed me into mine saying, “Just where do you get off flickin’ somethin’ so sensitive like it’s a paper football!? You know good and damn well how tender a nipple is!”

“Well you shoulda thought about how tender your nipple was before you started rubbin’ ‘em up on me when you were covered in sweat.” I grumbled.

Applejack slipped a finger up the crack of my ass and I could have touched the ceiling if I’d have thought about doing it. I landed and glared at the invasive lil’ bitch and she crossed her arms, meeting my look with a glare of her own, so I got in her face. “Fair warning.”

She narrowed her eyes. “What?”

I kissed her again, not shy about giving her a little tongue. Now that she was clean, I wasn’t grossed out by touching her, so I was perfectly fine with placing my hands on her hips and stepping close enough so that her breasts were touching me. Can’t say that I was terribly surprised when Applejack didn’t put up much of a fight, but when I started 'poking' her, I pulled away before the second head could wake up and do some thinking that I wasn’t okay with. It probably would have ended in the same thing, but for now, I wanted to hold off on actually sleeping with anyone.

Applejack chuckled when I let her go and said, “I see ya’ve got some restraint.”

“Doesn’t hurt to have a little.” I turned and went out go rinse off.

Applejack followed me after a moment, just as I’d planned. “Y’know, it wouldn’t be a stretch if ya wanted me ta claim ya…”

I looked at her over my shoulder. “The kiss wasn’t clear enough?”

She smirked. “Message received. Don’t expect to be doin’ that kinda stuff often.”

“I expect five a day. It was a necessary minimum for a healthy relationship in America.” I said, quoting a few different studies that I’d felt like looking up.

“Five? Shootin’ a little high, ain’tcha?” She asked, smiling.

“Are you gonna say no?”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “We’ll see how that goes. You know Mac told me to snap you up the second I told him you weren’t claimed, right?”

“Don’t see why he would.”

“I dunno. He’s steered me away from pretty much every other guy, but for some reason he says you’d be alright for me. Guess we’ll see if that’s true, huh?”

I gave her a smile. “So when do I get my bracelet?”

“When I feel like makin’ it, that’s when.”

“Fair enough. So are you going to stare at my bubble butt all day, or are you going to go wash yourself?”

She rolled her eyes one more time and got out of my stall, so I scrubbed down one more time before drying off and getting dressed. I didn’t know how the shampoo and conditioner was going to treat my hair, but white people shit had done it alright in the past. Still, I didn’t want my shit getting all dry and brittle because I didn’t take care of it. I wasn’t all that worried about it as I avoided watching Applejack get dressed, and when she came over to me, she offered me her hand.

“You gonna stand there all day?” My new girlfriend asked.

“I could, dependin’ on how long you wait around for me.” I said cheekily, taking her hand.

“Unlike someone, this gal had to swing a mallet all day and she can feel her stomach grumblin’, so come on.” Applejack started dragging me along and I wondered if it was just a Magiville thing, a Breadbasket thing, or an Arcadian thing for women to lead me around by their hands.

Dinner was nice, but I had to sit across from Ty since the slight to Applejack would have pissed her off. Ty didn’t give a fuck since he’d been doing nothing but cutting up with Mac since they’d gotten in and Apple Bloom was just sneaking little smiles his way. My brother always did make friends fast, even if I wasn’t there to do damage control. Mother fucker just had a natural charisma that got people to do what he wanted, but I had a hard time believing that he’d use it while there was shit to hit. Muscle-head ass boi.

The food was great and the company was good, but Applejack made sure to give me strict instructions that I was not to let Nimbo Stratus give me a claim-bracelet before she did. I just gave her a look and told her that I was just trying to get Ty laid, which earned me a look, an eye roll, another look, a shake of the head, another look, and finally acceptance. I was ‘allowed’ to go meet with Strats, and that was also nice.

However, that’s something I’ll record next time. I’ve been at this shit for way too long anyway and I got shit to do in the morning.

Chapter Three: Husband vs Hoe-Man

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Chapter Three: Husband vs Hoe-Man

I’ll pick up with my meeting with Strats, so let’s dive right in. When Ty and I left Sweet Apple Acres, he was bitching the moment we got out the door. “Nigga, do you know how fuckin’ borin’ and mind numbin’ it is to whack fucking trees all day? Like, the shit ain’t heavy in general, and it ain’t like, that hard to get a tree in one go, but it’s fuckin’, like, bruh.”

“Make a sentence with your Cro-Magnon ass.” I scoffed. “Either way, you know that this is basically just a setup, right? It’s lookin’ like good odds that you might get both of em’ tonight too, so keep a cool head and just be aware, aight? Scope out their reactions and probably ease up a little.”

Ty scratched his chin. “I know how the sensitive bitches be, bruh. These hoes just need some finesse though, right? It ain’t a slam dunk, more like an Alley-oop.”

“Basically. See how I do and try and do like that. Just like with the Robinson sister’s from Fifth.” I said, using ass to jog his memory.

He snapped an tapper my shoulder. “That’s why you the planner. What’s my chick supposed to be like?”

“We on the fly for that one. I say go twenty five charm, eighty five charisma.”

My brother gave me a funny look. “...That’s a hundred and ten percent, dipshit.”

I raised a brow. “Don’t you say you’ll always give a hundred and ten when it comes to getting laid?”

“... Fuck you, nigga. That was kinda clever.” He barked out a chuckle.

“Bruh, I’m always clever, you’re just too dumb to catch it to be honest with you. I be flyin’ kites on you with the shit that goes over your head, bruh.” I gave him a smarmy ass grin.

“Fuck off, you high-yellow house nigga.”

“Are you really tryna start shit?” I asked, dead serious.

“You already know I a’ take ya.”

I stopped walking. “Bet.”

Ty looked at me, stopped for a moment, then kept walking. I followed since he was heading in the direction that I needed to go anyway, but when we came to a fork in the road, he waited on me. “Ay.”

I gave him the up-nod. “Yo.”

“Took it too far. Wasn’t no hate behind it brotha, just careless words.”

“Startin’ to think I wouldn’t mind if you cleaned up your language.” I replied drily.

“Punk ass.” Ty barked.

“Lame ass.”

We fist-bumped and let it go, and just like that, it just wasn’t shit worth getting into. I was still salty as fuck, but it was what it was and escalating shit further wouldn’t solve anything, so I was receptive when Ty started chatting and cracking jokes, building off of some of his stuff to come up with my own. It was easy since I knew his style and had familiar ways to warp things, but new shit came to us both as often as we tired of old jokes, so it was a good balance. I was going through the story of The Twins Who Cuss Too Much, which is a fantastic tale that I’ll have to write down some time, but not right now.

Ty and I made our way to Magiville Square and the day was winding down for most people, so it wasn’t hard to spot Strats and her pastel yellow-haired friend.I gave them a wave when I was sure that they could see me and got a wave in return. “Ay Ty, that’s them.”

“Aww shit, bruh. I got dibs on the blondie.” He said, chuckling.

“You were supposed to anyway, but hopefully you can get em’ both.” I replied casually.

“Damn skippy, nigga. Imma play it, you just work your magic like usual.”

“No issues here. I know what we’re workin' toward.”

Ty nodded and we got over to the ladies quickly enough, though apparently Strats was happy to see me. She waited for me to get reasonably close, but she still came in for a hug that I thought was mostly unnecessary. “Jay! I figured you’d be early, so we came a little early ourselves.”

I hugged her back and let her go at the appropriate time. “Early is on time, on time is late.”

Strats giggled. “I’m glad I guessed correctly.” She smiled as Ty and her friend came to stand beside us. “Jay, Ty, this is my friend from Cloudsdale, Clear Sky.”

Sky gave us a wave and a smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you two.”

“Pleasure’s all ours.” I said pleasantly.

“Bruh, you sayin’ the pleasure’s all ours, but you ain’t tellin’ either of these beautiful women why.” Ty said, seeing how they’d respond.

Strats’ cheeks pinked up a bit, but Sky was goin’ from the start. I didn’t let her respond to that, however. “That’s ‘cause it’s supposed to be implied or somethin’ later on.” I replied.

Ty scoffed. “Bruh. Ladies, both a’ y’all look great tonight. I’m sure y’all look great all the time, but I’m pretty sure ya look better ‘cause a’ were you’re standin’.”

Strats gave him a puzzled look before glancing at me, but I waited for Clear Sky to ask, “Why would where we’re standing have anything to do with how we look?”

Ty sank the hook. “Ay, nearby is how I’m likin’ ya right now.”

Sky lit up and gave him a flirtatious smile while Strats looked a little miffed, so I gave Ty another set up. “Nearby is right. It’s nice to keep friends close.”

He hit me with a double tap to the shoulder that didn’t hurt to show he picked up the ball. “Yeah, here’s hopin’ I can keep the party when you go back home like a pussy.” He shot Strats a wink and she blinked in surprise, coloring a little.

“I just don’t like to stay out too late.” I said apologetically. “However, Ty’s better company than I am anyway.” I said, laying the hint down.

Strats and Sky looked at each other for a moment. Strats turned to me with an odd look and asked, “Getting away from the niceties for a moment, are you trying to set us both up with your brother?”

“Jay been up for a couple days and boy needs a nap.” Ty answered for me.

Strats gave me an odd look. “That’s what I thought you were implying earlier, though I don’t mean the nap.”

I shrugged. “I’m just not crazy about getting that intimate. I’m sure you understand.”

Strats and Sky exchanged another long look before Sky asked, “... So is the tour around town just for unnecessary pretenses?”

I nodded. “Sure is. You can feel free to take this fucker and ride him around town if you feel like it.”

They exchanged yet another look. “... Okay. I mean, are you not interested at all, or…?” Strats asked.

I gave her my dopey smile. “I’d like to be your friend.”

She gave me a brilliant smile in return. “That sounds perfect! I don’t have many guy friends, so it’ll be nice to have someone who isn’t just a bull.”

“That means we’ll probably be seeing a lot of each other.” Sky gave me a smile. “Still, I have to ask, if you’re not going to have fun while you’re in Femajority town, then what kind of man are you? I’ve yet to hear of a guy turning down tail unless he’s already had a day full of it.”

I shrugged. “I just don’t like sleeping around. That, and Applejack claimed me, so I’m not going to anyway. Besides, every woman that’s been with both me and Ty say that he was better.” Which isn’t false. Then again, I never gave a single fuck about the threesomes Ty coerced me into.

Strats’ smile took a hit. “Ah, so you’re more of a small harem kind of guy.”

I blinked at her. “I prefer monogamy.”

“Yeah, he always been weird like that. Bitch could lay down in front of dude and tell him to do what he wants and he’d pass her up, no matter what she look like.” Ty said.

Sky raised her brows. “Ah, I see.”

I tilted my head at her. “I’m not gay.”

“... You’re not?”

“I just don’t like sex.”

“... That’s weird.” Sky and Strats chorused.

“Ay, it don’t gotta make sense to y’all. Just respect it and keep it movin’.” Ty replied, his tone gaining a bit of an edge.

Strats smiled because she probably missed the steel in his voice. “No problem. Are we still going to take a walk?”

“If there’s no need for the formalities anymore, I’ll just go home. It’s been a long day and I’d like to see how many times I can poke Applejack before she hits me.” I said, thinking of twelve as my hypothesis.

Strats gave me a look. “If she hits you, I want you to go to the police, Jay. There’s no reason for a Mundusian or a Magiville woman to be putting her hands on you.”

Ty and I took a moment to think about that. He raised a brow and the corner of his mouth lifted, so I tilted my head to the side and made a small horizontal gesture with my middle and index finger on my right hand. He rolled his eyes and made a vertical gesture with the same fingers, rolling his shoulder as he did so. I gave him a look and shook my head subtly, so he sighed and nodded. To explain, Ty likes the idea of the conventional gender roles being swapped, but I wanted him to explain what he was thinking and to keep it kosher. In turn, he basically told me that we should strongarm the available women like the ones we knew back on Earth tried to do to us, but I shut that down. He gave up because he knew I wasn’t going for it anyway since I liked my targets to have a rap sheet.

“How do you know that I’m not a Mundusian too?” I asked.

Strats giggled. “All Mundusians have a certain vibe, silly. Icarians and Medeis are hard to tell apart, but Mundusians stick out. You are a Medeis, right?”

I scratched my cheek. “Yeah, but it’s not like I know magic.”

“Odd, but not unheard of, you know. There are actually quite a few clans of non-practicing Medeis.” Strats informed.

“Which makes no sense to me. That’s like Icarians walking everywhere.” Sky shook her head.

“You both literally offered to walk around town with us.” I raised a brow. Apparently they were desperate enough for dick to be dirtying their feet with the ground.

Strats scoffed. “When I meet a guy as humble as you, it’s pretty worth it to grace the ground with my superior footsies.”

The group chuckled at that and we chatted for a while longer until I set Ty up to catch their attention completely with a story so I could slip off unnoticed. It worked, as usual, and I made my way back to Sweet Apple Acres to find Applejack relaxing in a pair of cut-off shorts and a tied off flannel top. She was reading and sipping on liquor, so I rounded the couch and sat next to her .

“Would starting a conversation be bad timing?” I asked as Applejack saved her spot in her book.

“Well, I was hopin’ to talk to ya tonight anyway, so I’d say it’s pretty good.” She replied. “Can I offer a somethin’ to drink?”

“If we could take this outside, that’d be great. It’s nice and cool and I kinda need something to keep me awake.”

Applejack gave me a flirty look. “I’ll give ya a kiss iffin’ ya can make it through some little gettin’ ta know ya type stuff.”

“I wear a lot of red, but my favorite color is blue.” I said.

“I wear a lot of red too, but I’d rather be wearin’ orange. It’s not much of a change, but still.”

“Do you like oranges more than apples?” I asked curiously.

She gave me a look. “How did I know you were gonna ask that?”

“Some would say it’s a gift.” I replied easily.

Applejack smirked and sipped her drink. “Got an answer for everything, dontcha?”

“You can always answer a question, it’s just the matter of whether you’re right or wrong.” I said, quoting one of the parts of the Maxronomicon that was never taken seriously.

That made her chuckle. “You know you’re so full of it, right?”

I shrugged and gave her a smug little smirk. “I’m the best at what I do.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Ya realize that ya just hinted that ya might be more dangerous than I bargained for, right?”

“Wasn’t really the intent there, AJ. I’m-”

“Oh no, you’re real dangerous.” She reached for my hand and I let her have it. “But somethin’ tells me that ya ain’t wild. You’re a calculated kinda guy. I think it’s best if we just keep ya on the farm for a while until that venom in your veins comes down to a reasonable level.”

“I don’t like being stuck in one place for too long. I expect walks to be taken.” I said, giving in since I was playing nice.

“If you’re good.” Applejack teased.

“I’ll drag you out of the house if I have to.” I said drily.

Her brows raised. “Oh, you meant chaperoned walks?”

I worked my jaw. “I was meaning more like a date.”

“Oh. Never been on one, so I couldn’t really see the offer.” Applejack chuckled weakly.

I gave her a look. “A large part of being a couple is doin' shit together. Are you really just tryin' to make me a prisoner in a nice way?”

“There’s a reason it’s called cuffin’, Sugar.” Applejack said casually.

I poked her side and she started before giving me a look. “I don’t like what you’re doing.”

“I don’t got too many options, Sugar. I do like ya enough to willin’ ta put my foot in the door, but you’re just dangerous.”

“I’m not dangerous until someone gives me a reason to be, and those reasons don’t pop up all that often.” I said, not quite lying.

“Would you rather fight someone or kill ‘em?” She asked bluntly.

“If an ass-whoopin’ gets the point across, I’d rather do it that way. Lotta hard headed fools ‘round where I used to live though.”

“So you definitely got blood on your hands?” Applejack asked, her voice unreadable.

I gave her a look. “Don’t preach at me. I know a killer when I see one.”

“You don’t know me, Bub.” Applejack said irritably.

I surveyed her for a moment as she took a draught from her glass before refilling it with a bottle she’d kept under a pillow. She didn’t say anything else, so I said, “Isn’t that the point of this talk? To get to know each other?”

“... Well, yeah but-”

“We don’t have out go into it.” I interrupted. “I just want to be right.”

She chuckled at that and gave me a little smile. “How ‘bout we start from the beginnin’ instead of rehashin’ all this ‘dangerous’ bullshit? We both know ya ain’t gonna make a move while I got my eyes on ya.”

I looked her in the eye as I grabbed her breast. “Is this making a move, or am I tauntin’ you all wrong?”

Applejack removed my hand. “Not that kinda move, ya silly man. Ya got some warm hands though.”

I smiled at her. “Thanks, I try to make the blood flow to my hands instead of my head so I do less thinking.”

She had another chuckle at that and held my hand. “You’re an odd one, you know that?”

“And you’re a pretty one. Not cute, though. Plenty pretty, and your nose is cute, but you’re not very cute. Definitely pretty though.”

“I can deal with being pretty, but why can’t I be cute too?” Applejack tried to give me a pout, but she ended up chuckling and ruining it.

“You could be pretty cute, but not cute pretty. That’s just not fair.” I grumbled.

She squeezed my hand and I felt her lips touch my cheek. “Does it really bother ya that much, Sugar?”

“... A little.”

“And that’s just adorable!” She giggled, massaging my hand.

“You’re real patronizing, you know that?” I asked irritably.

“Aw, I’m sorry, Sugar, but you’re gonna have to get used to it if ya actually wanna be with me. I don’t see why ya would unless you’re just tryin’ ta get a place to sleep for the time bein’, but ya seem pretty serious about bein’ in a relationship.”

I nodded. “You would make a good wife. You put off the vibe of a real woman, and I don’t like lettin’ the good ones go without at least sayin’ hi.”

Applejack gave me a funny look. “What makes ya think I would be a good wife?”

I cleared my throat and began. “Your figure and the sculptin’ therein makes it obvious that you’re a woman of dedication and devotion. It tells me that you’re willin' to put forth work, and your mannerisms tell me that you’re fiercely loyal. The way you responded to Ty and I by taking us into your home so you could keep an eye on us tells me that you see yourself as a guardian, which makes me want to earn your loyalty since it seems like you would make a steadfast friend. Your looks and assets have little to do with anything, so I’ll skip them until you’d like me to compliment you on them, so I’ll move onto your uncanny perception. You’re a valuable person with valuable skills that I like in a woman. Being able to suss out some danger in a person from meeting them isn’t something everyone can do, and I’d like to think that if we meet people together, we could weed out the psychotically dangerous people and leave the normally dangerous ones.”

Applejack blinked slowly. “Um… So ya like me because I’m hard workin’, ya think I’m loyal, I like ta protect my loved ones, and I’m good at findin’ the sketchy ones?”

“I’m not sketchy.” I objected calmly.

She gave me a once over. “Uh, yeah, you’re a little sketchy. Ty is easy to figure out: Give that boy some butt and he’ll play nice. You, on the other hand, are a wildcard. Some stuff bothers ya, but it’s hard ta see why. I think the only person that really gets ya is Ty, and I’m not talkin’ just us Arkaidites.”

“Arkaidite?”

“Well, ya got Arcadians from Arcadia and you got Arkaidites from Arkaid as a whole.”

“Who named a country after the planet?” I asked.

“Well, Celestia-”

“Who?”

“The Princess, Celestia. She an’ her sister rule Arcadia.” Applejack clarified.

“Ah, cool. So what did Celestia do?”

“She wanted to show that everyone from around the world was welcome in Arcadia, so she named the nation what it is.”

“Right. So what happened to the King and Queen? I’m sure it was stressful for their daughters to take over.”

Applejack tilted her head. “I dunno, Sugar. I don’t think the Princesses had parents.”

I gave her a fucked up look before changing it. “Wait, are they magic beings or somethin'?”

She giggled at me. “They’re flesh and blood just like us, Sugar. They’re just stronger than the top fifty Medeis, stronger than the Mundusians, and fly faster than the Icarians.”

“I thought you could only belong to one clan?” I asked, confused.

“Well, the short story of that is that some people just get real good at their special talent. It’s real rare and it takes somethin’ real special, but it’s somewhat possible. However, if ya manage to make it ta Ascension, ya get a title for your efforts.”

“Huh. That sounds easy enough, so I’m imaginin’ that it’s insanely difficult.”

“Pretty much. Ya can be a master of whatever it is that ya do, but ya gotta have a certain kind of Mana Mark to ascend.”

“What kind of Mana Mark, whatever that is, do you need?”

Applejack raised a brow and glanced at my arms. “Hey, flip your arms over, will ya?”

I sowed her my forearms with an amused look on my face. “I’m guessing my Mana Mark is supposed to be here if I have one?”

She let out a low whistle. “I’m hopin’ that ya get one, otherwise you’re gonna be gettin’ some funny looks if people notice.”

“Okay, so a Mana Mark is tied to a special talent, probably a depiction of it or somethin’, right?”

Applejack showed me her right arm, which held three little red apples dead center on her forearm. It looked like an interesting tattoo to say the least since the colors were really bold, like they’d been carefully painted on by a master of the craft. “Got it.There’s more to it, but if ya really wanna dig deeper into stuff like that, then Twilight’s gotta be your go to. She can answer whatever questions ya might have.”

“Why go to her when I could just bother you?” I asked, measuring her response.

She gave me a look like I should have been ashamed for asking. “Because I don’t actually know all that much about it, Sugar. It’s just a part of life here and no one really digs to deep into that kinda stuff unless they’re a youngster trying to get their Mana Mark.”

“So when do people get their Mana Marks? How do you go about gettin’ one?”

“Like I said, ask Twilight about it and she can get a lot deeper into it than I can. For now, it’s gettin’ a little late, isn’t it?”

I raised a brow at her. “Is that your way of asking for a goodnight kiss?”

Applejack’s cheeks colored a bit. “I wouldn’t mind one, but I wasn’t tryin’ ta pressure ya into nothin’.”

I leaned over and gave her a quick enough little kiss. “I like little token gestures of affection. They make my day a little brighter.”

She gave me a little smile. “If it’s stuff like that, then I think I like em’ too. Don’t stay up too late now, alright?”

“I was about to head to bed myself. I’ve kinda worn myself out.”

“Well if you’re too tired for a little more kissin’...” Applejack trailed off, brushing some of her hair behind her ear.

I rose and gave her a much longer, much Frenchier kind of kiss that she wasn’t very sure of how to respond to. When I pulled away, I said, “I’m afraid that’s all you’re getting for tonight, but morning isn’t too far away.”

Applejack was giving me a goofy smile. “Sure thing, Sugar. If it’s another one like that, I think I might be happy.”

I patted her arm. “Definitely worthy then. Goodnight, Applejack.”

“Night, Jay. If ya have a scary dream, don’t feel too bad about comin’ ta slip inta bed with me.” She gave me a little wink.

I gave her a blank look. “I can feel your perverse intentions through my clothes.”

She giggled at that. “Cute and funny. Sweet dreams, Sugar. Sweet dreams of me, that is.”

“Sweet dreams or nightmares, which ones do you want me to have more?”

“Well, if ya have a dream sweet enough to make ya come for the real thing…” Applejack left her implications where they were and went to bed.

I went to my room and went to sleep after cleaning my trusted Glock 20 because I wasn’t about to take the bait that Applejack had laid out for me. She either wanted to test my mettle and see if I just wanted her for her body, or she actually did want me to go into her room, which would probably end in sex, which really wasn’t something that I was down for at the moment. Ty stopped by to tell me that he’d had a good time and that everything was cool before he took himself to bed, but he’d woken me up when he did so. I was just glad to know that he was safe and sound after getting some since he didn’t take his Magnum with him like I’d asked, but c’est la vie and all that Surrènéder Speak.

I eventually got some sleep and woke up five hours later as was normal for me, though I was up before anyone else, despite how late it was was Ty got in. I spent some more time fiddling with my gun and sharpening my knives before shoving the blade in a pocket and the gun in my waistband. With little to do other than go get high, I did that because it’s fun and it’s a lot cooler when you smoke weed than when you smoke meth, on some real. Tweekers are some scary muhfuckers.

Speaking of tweekers, Apple Bloom caught me outside and said, “How ‘bout that? Ya know, I only ever see old folks smokin’.”

“I’m old at heart.” I sighed, the general energy to her voice making me feel like I was her grandfather or something. It was weird. Like, I wanted to spout wise words at her for no reason. “Good Morning, Apple Bloom. Don’t suppose you’re always up this early?”

“Not always, but usually. Yesterday was a bit of an off day, ya know?”

“I understand the feeling well. I tend not to sleep too long, but then again, some days I’ll sleep for half the day or more if I can.”

Her jaw dropped. “Wow, you sound like Scootaloo! I don’t know how that girl manages to stay in shape, but she’s slept for an entire day before!”

“Does she eat often?”

Apple Bloom huffed. “Every fifteen minutes if she has a snack in her purse. Most of the time we spend going around town is looking for something good to eat.”

“Then that’s because her metabolism is just ridiculously high. My brother was like that when he was younger, but he eventually grew out of it.”

She gave me a funny look. “You must be tired. Ya sound like you’re half drunk.”

I hit my pipe again and cashed it. “Well that’s a shame. If only I was actually drunk, then the day could start extra fun.”

“Uh, you ever tried to work drunk? It’s a special kind o’ suck, Buttercup.” Apple Bloom chuckled.

“I’ve done a lotta stuff drunk, Bapple.” I chuckled at the new nickname. “Bapple. Ah, I’m hopin’ that one sticks.”

She gave me a look I’d already seen from her sister. “That’s just goofy.”

“You’re goofy.” I protested.

“I’m not goofy, you’re goofy.” She replied, folding her arms.

I stood from the chair I’d been chilling in and looked out toward the sunrise. “At least I admit my silliness. You try to hide it.” I looked back to her. “What are you really hiding? All of you?”

Apple Bloom’s eyes held oceans of panic, which made my joke seem way less funny. “... I was kidding, Bapple.”

“I-I mean, there ain’t no big secret or nothin’, Jay, it’s just surprisin’ is all! Ya know, ya caught me off guard with that and it just ain’t fair.” She glowered at me, trying to turn the tables.

I let her. “I’ll try to avoid joking around like that in the future… Unless you’re going to tell me that your parents were cousins or something.” I chuckled.

“Oh no, my parents were from two rival-” Apple Bloom started.

“Apple Bloom, are you tellin’ the story without me?” Applejack asked from the door, her voice carrying a strange edge. I couldn’t have seen her from where Apple Bloom was standing, so I had no idea that she was there.

The youngest Apple from the orchard whipped around. “Sis! Uh, you know it was just a normal conversation! I wasn’t tryin’ ta steal your man!”

“Right. Why don’t you let him come in here and help Granny get to cookin’ while you set the the table?” Applejack ‘suggested’.

“Y-Yeah, good idea!” Apple Bloom rushed inside and I followed at a more sedate pace, but Applejack stepped outside and closed the door.

“Are ya interested in my sister?” Applejack asked frankly.

“I would like to know her since she’s a part of your family. I have the same kind of interest in her as I got in Granny and Mac.”

My girlfriend nodded. “S’long as we’re clear, Sugar. It ain’t an issue if ya are, but ya should know that I wouldn’t lay a finger on her for no one.” She pointed at me.

“Incest is weird.” I frowned.

“Bit more than weird, but that’s a word for it, I guess. What I’m tryin’ ta say is that some fellas out there like to add members of the same family to their harem and try and get ‘em to do all sorts o’ stuff to stay in it.”

I tilted my head at her until my ear touched my shoulder and my neck popped. “What the fuck?”

“That sounded like it hurt.”

“It’s a good ache. But seriously, y’all Arcadians need to chill with some of this wild shit.”

Applejack rolled her eyes. “Well, you’re about to get into the thick of the sickness, ‘cause Mac and I wanna send you and Ty to Twilight’s for the day to get ya briefed on Arcadian history and hopefully get ya some learnin’ with Magic.”

“Wouldn’t it be more prudent for us to be on the farm? I mean-”

“Hold on a sec, somethin’s been botherin’ me for awhile.” Applejack interrupted.

I gave her a look. “If it’s that important.”

She rolled her eyes. “Sorry, Sugar, but why do ya talk like ya barely know how ta string together a sentence without swearin’ sometimes, but then sound like some kinda scholar the next? It makes no sense!”

I shrugged. “I’ve always balanced colloquialisms and vernacular with decent articulation. It helps get my point across better.”

“I guess I get that. Boy, did I ever land a weird one.” She sighed.

“Hey.” I said, mildly offended.

She rolled her eyes again. “Toughen up, Sugar.”

“I’ll kiss you, bitch.” I growled.

“... I mean, I want the kiss, but ya also just called me a dog, so I’m kinda upset about that.”

“The insult was for being mean, the kiss is to make up and get on with our day.” I explained.

“Apologize, then I’ll give you a kiss.” Applejack countered.

“Give me a kiss and I’ll think about it.” I bargained.

“If ya don’t give me one now, I’ll charge ya for one later.”

“I’ll let you borrow this one, but I want it back, okay?” I gave her a meager kiss.

She gave me a stern look. “Now what kinda smooch was that? I get better kisses from my dreams, and those ain’t even real!”

“Hmm… What were those wise words I heard not too long ago? I think they were ‘Toughen up’?” I taunted, smiling.

Applejack narrowed her eyes and searched for something that she evidently didn’t see, because she initiated a kiss for once. I let her have control to see what she would do, but I can’t say that I was surprised when she kept it tame. A little disappointed, but not surprised. “So you’re one o’ the guys I’m allowed to kiss when I want?”

“Most of the time. Like I said, little token gestures of affection.” I gave her a little smile.

She touched my arm, so I touched hers and she gave me a weird look before she remembered. “Right, the mutual contact thing. Well, I wasn’t lyin’ about helpin’ Granny with breakfast. She’s taken a shine to you an’ Ty so far.”

“That’s because it’s quiet around here. There doesn’t seem to be a need for us to get into any trouble, but a faster way of earning money would be nice.”

“Well, I still gotta pay y’all for the little bit of work ya done so far, but it probably wouldn’t hurt if ya started usin’ those handyman skills of yours around town. Lotta ladies around here only know one or two friends that are handy 'round the house, and all I ever hear in the market is about how stuff ain’t workin’ like it used to.”

I nodded. “I’ll look into it. If I manage to get it going, would it be alright if I worked half of my day here and the other half in town?”

“As long as ya ain’t screwin’ around.” Applejack huffed.

“I tend to get things done. Screwing around isn’t something I do unless I have the tools for it.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Mechanical Engineer. I can do a lot of things with scrap gears and whatever else you might find around the shop.”

“... Ya mean like a tinkerer or somethin’?”

The word was familiar, but I didn’t quite get the comparison for a moment. “Well, kind of. Just on a larger scale for the most part, I guess.”

“Why dontcha head over to Tick Tock’s Clock Shop? It’s a ‘Clockingly Good Shopping Experience!’.” She chuckled.

“Disgusting.” I said simply. “I’m going to go help make the breakfast that I’m not going to keep in my stomach from the grossness of that pun.”

I walked on in as Applejack followed me. “Aw come on, that’s just punny right there!”

“Stop punishing me, you menace.” I groaned.

“Ya know, I got a cousin you might be interested in.” Applejack said, smiling already. “She’s a little like me, but then again, a can’t really compare Apples and Oranges.”

“Oh my God, I’m in Pungatory.” I facepalmed heartily.

“I don’t know what that is, but now you’re makin’ ‘em too! It’s infectious, isn’t it?”

“I’ll dropkick you, Applejack. I really might.” I deadpanned.

She huffed. “Yeah right. Medeis aren’t exactly known for their athletics, Sugar.”

“I wasn’t a Medeis up until a few days ago.” I pointed out.

“Fair enough then, I guess. Have fun cookin’, I guess.”

“I’ll be sure to put some of the cheese from your jokes into the grits.” I replied drily.

“Theh’ll have a funny taste to 'em!” Applejack called after me as I left her in the living room. I passed Apple Bloom on the way into the kitchen and gave her a smile before getting started on doing shit with Granny.

Ty and Mac came from their adjacent rooms, cutting up and joking around before everything was done, so they joined Applejack and Apple Bloom in the living room for a while until Granny and I had everything made. I put Applejack plate together because I’m nice like that, but when I tried to hand it to her, she gave me an odd look. “Uh, Sugar? I thought you were makin’ that plate for Ty or somethin’.”

We had an audience as I said, “I can give it to him if you don’t want it.”

Alarm crossed her face along with a blush. “N-No, I’m not tryin’ ta turn ya down, it’s just… That’s an awful intimate gesture, ya know? Ya don’t fix a plate for just anyone.” She took the food from me and waited for me to reply.

I looked at Ty. “Hey faggot, you want me to whip you up a plate like a good boy?”

“I’m a grown ass man. Only person fixin’ my plate better be my momma or my main ho.” Ty scoffed.

I looked back to Applejack. “He’s weird, but my point is that I like doing little things like this. It shows certain levels of commitment, but if you don’t like it-”

“Sugar, no, it’s not that. Trust me, I like it, it’s just unexpected.” She gave me a sheepish smile. “That is, unless you were plannin’ on fixin’ everyone’s plate.”

I hefted mine. “I’m good. Wanna go have a seat?”

“Sure thing, Sugar.”

And so we sat, but that wasn’t the end of it. Once everyone had their food, Granny lead the grace and Ty and I said our own before we started digging in, but once we got to eating. Applejack kept sending furtive glances towards my eggs, and when she thought I wasn’t looking, she went after them, so I made direct eye contact and stole one of her sausages. Applejack got another bite of my eggs, so I snacked on her meat (Miss me with that gay shit) while she got a mouthful of the things I was going to put on a biscuit. Applejack being evil ended up only leaving me enough of my own eggs for a single breakfast flavored biscuit. It was sad, but sacrifices have to be made in relationships, and I got another one of her sausage links, so it was cool.

After breakfast, Applejack told me to get Ty and scram, so I got him out of the apple scented house and into the apple scented orchard. It didn’t take long for him to start bugging me over shit. “Bruh, you too nice to that cowgirl. She’s gonna walk all over you if you keep this shit up.”

I gave him a look as we were walking. “Bruh, when was the last time I let a bitch into my romantic life? Applejack’s not the type of person to ask for more than what I offer, so I gotta figure out what she likes. It’s not me bein’ too nice, it’s me figurin’ out how to sway her when I want her to do somethin’.”

“Slippery nigga.” Ty grunted.

“I give back.” I grumbled.

“Tch. Like when you gave Tyrese that ounce of straight garbage after you jacked him for an eighth of loud?”

“Ay, we was straight. He flipped that shit, made enough to buy a half of good shit and came back around and smoked with us. When I use people, we make friends. When you use people, bodies start turnin’ up.”

“That’s ‘cause you put ‘em there you psychotic fuck!” Ty said for the thousandth time.

“How many times have you got us jumped ‘cause you wanted to fuck around and not tell me about fuckin’ someone over?”

“I’d rather just swing and let it be, man. You and the rest of the cold-blooded niggas need to learn how to let hands be hands.” He said, shaking his head.

“Like when you asked me to cap Tyrese ‘cause you pulled the same shit I did and he broke your arm with his boys?” I replied frostily.

“... Aight, so I get your hands dirty more than I should. I’m sorry, bruh, but-”

“But what, man? You fuck up, I take care of it. I fuck up, you take care of it. That’s how we’ve been since day one; don’t let this light-skinned Lite-Brite lookin muhfucker have to remind you of that.”

He threw a soft jab at me and I let it connect. “It was rough not havin’ you around yesterday, man. This whole new world shit is startin’ to get to me while you’re just settlin’ in like you expect to be here forever.”

“Did you not read the Maxronomicon, or did you stay old school?” I asked.

“Bruh, TB is a prick. I don’t wanna read about his ass.” Ty grunted.

“Huh. He was cool to me the one time I got to talk to him. What were you praying about?”

Ty coughed. “I was hoping that I didn’t catch somethin’ from Syphy Sally.”

I laughed at that. “Aw shit, dude! Don’t tell me that’s the reason you started callin' her that!”

My brother gave me a shitty look. “Fuck off, bitch. She was fly until she got burnt up and turnt out.”

“True. Always sad to see a good woman get hooked on rocks.” Ty and I went over to a tree to knock on some wood. I did it because I was hoping that we were the only ones with any kind of coke and Ty followed because he just can’t bring himself to bang a basehead. It’s shallow and stupid, but at least he has emotions.

“Shit, Jay, remember when that OG Diesel got cracked out? That nigga was a solid three hundred, pure muscle, and it all just fuckin’ went to waste. Sad to see anyone go down like that, man.”

I grimaced. “It’s a fuckin’ shame that these junkies are getting the helping hand while these crackheads are out here goin’ through the same shit and getting shunned. Shit breaks my heart, man.”

“Not like we really gotta worry about it right now, but why did you ask if I read Torch Bearer’s book? I’m happy to get all sad and shit with ya, but what’s up?”

“Ah, I was askin’ ‘cause it mentions that he might displace people from time to time when he thinks they could do more good somewhere else. We’re either stuck here for good with a second chance at life, or we’re here temporarily to help save the world in the next ten years. It’s pretty clean cut, to be honest with you.”

“So he just fucks with people out of nowhere? That’s some bullshit.” Ty grumbled.

“It’s either being here or being in the pen. Not jail, prison. Jail time was bad enough during that little stint I caught for drinking underage. I’m not trying to it up the big leagues, and if we’re here to stay, then we’ve getting a pretty decent start. If we’re here temporarily, then we need to start burning bourbon and asking for guidance.”

“I still don’t see how you go from ‘The world is ending!’ to ‘Keep calm and carry on.’ in like, a day, man. I really don’t.”

I shrugged. “Get some real swagger and flo and you might just catch a glimpse of what I already know.”

“Stop tryna spit bars and tell me what’s really up with you and Applejack. Something tells me that she knows exactly what we do.”

“Ah, she knows I’m the murderous one, so you’re flying under that radar for the time being. I don’t know what she wants from me, but she’s too genuine for comfort. Gotta ask what it is she wants out of claiming me-”

“Ay, Strats and Sky both tried to claim me. Shit was great.” Ty beamed.

I rolled my eyes and ended my explanation since Ty made it clear that he’d learned what he wanted. “Did you let either of them?”

“Hell nah. This dick is chocolate gold, nigga, and it’s gonna get me somewhere.” He chuckled as town came into view.

“Are you whoring yourself out for power or money?”

“Can a brother not get both?” Ty grinned at me.

I smirked at him. “Don’t let it blow up in your face, man.”

“I know how to play the game, and trust me when I say that this shit is easy mode, my Nigga.”

I just shook my head, still smirking. “Like I said; don’t let it splash back and get ya.”

“Whatever man. So what do you think Twilight got for us?”

“Probably a shit ton of information that neither of us are really going to care about.” I said honestly. “The girl strikes me as a nerd, but I can’t stop hoping that she has a chalkboard or something. If she gotta reach higher on it, then I might be sprung.”

“BOI, dat ass.” Ty grunted. “I swear on my Momma’s best cookin’ I’d do unforgivable things to that lil’ puckerhole.”

I lost my shit. “What the fuck, man!?”

He shot me a dirty grin. “Aw, come on, Jay. Don’t even pretend like you would like to be hilt deep in that. Might only be two inches, but… Well, could you even make it past the cheeks?” He taunted.

“Tch. At least I could get her off. The reason you can’t keep a girl is because you can’t dick ‘em down right.”

“Oh, you wanna go there? You really wanna go there?”

“Ay, what Theresa said don’t count. We both know that the psycho bitch woulda sucked your freshly busted nut out of her own Moms ass if you told her to.”

“Aight, but what about Lashae though?”

I gave him a look. “Lashae fuckin’ wrecked my bed with what she left behind. That bitch just didn’t like me ‘cause I wasn’t tryin’ to let some gold diggin’ bitch have my hard earned scratch.”

“Okay, but Deshae said you didn’t even last ten minutes.” He smirked, thinking he had a point.

“For what round? She mighta failed to mention that I kept her busy for six hours after I got that first Molly nut off.”

Ty snapped his fingers. “Damn, I was hopin’ that you were too fucked up to remember much of that one.”

“Only thing that blacks me out is alcohol, jackass.”

“I know that, shithead. Just let a nigga win one for once.”

I chuckled, waving to some friendly passers by as we came into town. “I’ll let you win when you let Applejack peg you.”

“Is that another internet thing? You gotta stop makin’ references that no one’s gonna get.”

“You gotta stop lookin’ like that before you get arrested.” I countered.

Ty gave me a look. “Shit, I might get made into a sex slave or somethin’, but they’re gonna take one look at you and release you back to the wild. Better leave my ass for a couple days unless you know they got strap-ons and shit.”

I opened my mouth to respond when we heard a shrill whistle come from behind us, startling the fuck out of me and making Ty wince. “Hey! You two men!” An authoritative female voice barked.

Ty and I turned around to see a woman wearing a weird uniform that was probably a cop suit. Her magenta hair was stuffed under her stupid looking hat, and the look in her eye told me that I was going to have my hands full. “Good morning, Officer…?”

The woman marched up to us and crossed her arms. “I don’t recall either of you ever stopping by the Welcoming Center.”

I passed a look at Ty and he gave me the nod. “That’s because we didn’t go. Are we supposed to go to the Welcoming Center.”

“We’re going there now.” She stated.

“Are we under arrest?” I asked.

She gave me a stern look. “Look, pal. I can tell that you’re Arcadian, but your Zgarian friend needs to register if he wants to walk around town freely.”

I gave her my most fucked up look. “He’s not Zgarian. His parents were, but he was born in Arcadia.”

The cuntbag scoffed. “Likely story. So why hasn’t he said anything? Trying to mask the accent?”

I looked at Ty and he said, “I ain’t sayin’ shit ‘cause I ain’t got a reason to. Jay’s the correspondent when someone comes at us with less than friendly words, ya know?”

She glared at him. “... I don’t know what kind of accent that is, but it’s not Zgarian.”

“I’m just a little further south from here. The language gets a little rougher, little sloppier, I guess.” Ty said. He was being honest about the sloppier dialect, at least.

“Are you claimed?” The officer asked bluntly.

He shook his head. “Nah. I’m lookin’ for the right woman, or rather, the right women. Gotta find ladies who gonna be there when I need ‘em and who ain’t afraid to let me help with their problems. I heard some good stuff about Magiville, so I brought my brother with me to look for possible wives.” Straight bullshit, but true enough.

The bitch beamed at that. “Oh, I’m so sorry! It’s just that Zgarians have that nasty habit of taking Arcadian citizens back to Zgaria with them, but if you’re thinking about settling down in Magiville, then let me welcome you to town!”

“Thanks.” Ty and I said at the same time.

“Right. So is there anything I can help you two handsome fellas with?” She batted her lashes at us.

The shift in her demeanor threw both of us through a loop, but I recovered first. “We’re actually looking for Twilight Sparkle’s house. We’ve been told that she can help us with a really specific and unmentionable problem.”

The cop gave me an odd look. “I thought you were here to look for wives?”

“We are, but we’re sorting out all sorts of other things while we’re looking into it. We’re kinda just seeing who we come across in our daily lives for now.”

She smiled again. “Well, I hope you come across me when I’m off duty some time. I would apologize for sounding so cross with you earlier, but that’s my work voice.” She suddenly closed her eyes and swore. “Darn it! I’m not supposed to tell people that!”

I saw through the charade easily, but she was a member of law enforcement, and therefore valuable. I gave Ty the signal and he set in. “Ay, beauty in blue, don’t sweat it. We ain’t gonna say nothin’ to no one, so take a breath.”

She gave him a grateful smite with flirtatious undertones. “You shouldn’t be flirting with me while I’m in uniform.”

“We shouldn’t do a lotta stuff while you’re wearin’ that, so why don’t we find somewhere to take it off? Except for the hat. The hat stays.” Ty said like a weirdo.

The unnamed woman that my brother was trying to nail fingered the brim of her hat and cast a furtive glance at me. “Are you sure about that…?”

“The hat or the rest of it?”

“Well, I’m curious about the hat part too.” She confessed.

He smirked. “Serious about both. Jay can live without me for a couple hours.”

I shrugged. “I’m claimed anyway, so it’s not like I could do anything. Just use protection, you two.”

The cop scoffed. “I’m an Officer of the Law. I am the protection.”

Ty and I both got a chuckle out of that, so I ditched them after i got my giggles and got lost on my way to Twilight’s, but a little backtracking solved that problem. By the time I actually got to Twilight’s place, I was ready for some of Adam’s Ale, which isn’t important, but I was fucking thirsty enough to remember it, so it got mentioned. For the second time, I gave Twilight’s door a knock and half expected her to not answer like last time, and lo’ and behold: nothing happened. I figured I’d let myself in since I was apparently supposed to be there, but when I heard soft singing coming from further into the house, I was confused because I didn’t remember a dude living with Twilight. He sounded like he was still in his mid-teens, but he had some pipes on him that would probably make any choir a little bit better.

Since no one else seemed to be around, I called out, “Hello?” from the doorway.

He stopped singing and I could hear some light jogging until he rounded a corner and laid eyes on me. The guy seemed off from the get go, though I don’t know if it was the pointed ears or the slitted eyes that caught me off guard. I showed my surprise with a tilt of my head. “Hello, my name is Jay. I’m here to see Twilight Sparkle, Mr…?”

The stout young dude gave me a friendly smile. “Spykoranuvellitar, but everyone who wants to get on with their days calls me Spike. It’s nice to meet you, Jay, but Twilight left to catch someone on the road about thirty minutes ago.”

“Ah, that’s a shame. I believe I have options. Would you like to weigh in?” I offered, laying out a flag event in a textbook and shameless manner.

“Sure.” He said, giving me the same smile I’d given a lot of women lately, but he meant it.

There was something a little wrong with Spike, but nothing I’d be willing to take advantage of anyway. However, he was obviously close to Twilight in some way from the casual way he spoke of her, so I figured befriending him would beneficial in the long run. “You see, I could stay here and do some researching on my own, or I could go and try to track Twilight down.”

He chuckled. “Trust me, you’re better off waiting here, man. She’ll get lost on the way back into town and you’ll never find her until she just gives up and goes to Town Square.”

“Navigationally challenged?” I asked.

“Quite.” He answered drily with some shitty feminine upper-crust accent. It was properly annoying, which gave me a lead.

“Say, are you good at impressions?”

Spike waved a hand. “Kinda sorta. I’m not the best, but people around town think I’m funny.”

“Who were you mocking just then?”

“An old crush of mine. She shut me down hard, so she's usually my go to target.” He said frankly.

I shrugged. “Can’t blame ya, man. I beat up my first ex’s boyfriend because I found out she’d been cheating on me with him. Mocking her is pretty mild.”

Spike stared at me. “... Uh, dude, wow…”

I blinked and realized my faux pas. “Sorry, the environment I grew up in was radically different from the traditional Arcadian standards. I forget that not everyone fights on a regular basis here.”

His jaw dropped. “Dude, I’ve seen like, two normal fist fights in my entire life! Where the heck did you live? Was it like, Slane or something?”

“Slain?” I gave him a funny look.

“S-L-A-N-E. It’s supposed to be the worst city in Arcadia, but if you’re not from there, then where are you from?” Spike asked, curiosity overwriting his initial fear.

I saw no reason to lie. “A different planet entirely. Didn’t Twilight tell you about me?”

He booped himself a couple times and had a Brain Blast apparently. “Oh! Jay is short for Jameson, isn’t it!?”

“Yes it is.” I answered kindly.

“Ah. Yeah, just wait here dude. Twilight’s gonna be back in like, an hour, tops. If you’re here to see her, then someone should’ve already told you to clear your day.”

“Time leech?” I chuckled.

“Lecture Mode should be patented and therefore banned.” He shivered.

I sighed. “I’m here for a lecture, sadly.”

“You poor, poor man. I know where she keeps her moonshine if you want a shot.”

I pulled my kit from my pocket. “Hey, ya wanna make a bad decision?”

“Holy crap, I never thought Twilight’s examples would come true word for word!” Spike said, flipping his shit.

I bit my cheek to stop myself from laughing at him. Once I calmed down a bit, I said, “She smoked weed too. It didn’t hurt her at all.”

He narrowed his eyes. “How do I know that you’re not testing me?”

“You would’ve failed by asking about the test. If you know it’s a test, then it’s not a test, therefore anything you would have done after would be pointless because you failed the test anyway.” I said matter-of-factly.

Dumbass bought it, but I’m not gonna snitch on myself. Twilight came back home after Spike was done in the kitchen and he sent her my way when she came in. I knew his stomach was probably going to be killing him in a little bit, but I warned him against eating too much before swimming, so I blame him. The librarian asked if something was wrong with Spike and I told her that he’d said something about being tired, so she left it alone.

We sat in the library section of her home as Twilight asked, “So, I hope you don’t mind me asking, but where’s Ty?”

I decided to mess with her for a bit. “Why would I mind you asking me about where Ty is?”

She flustered easily. “Oh, well, I-I don’t really know, but I didn’t want to just ask you out of the blue.”

“So you’re saying that it was just a lead up to your question?” I narrowed my eyes at her.

“... Um… Yes?” She answered hesitantly, fidgeting in her chair.

“So it was not an indication of your favourite Closet Person?” I asked, my tone chilly.

Twilight flinched before something seemed to click for her and her cheeks pinked up. “O-Oh, I-I mean…”

I folded my arms and leaned back . “Oh, so it was you dropping a hint?”

“I-I-I, er- Um… Look, Jay, I don’t have a favorite!” She cried. “I don’t know either of you well enough to have a favorite!”

I let my shoulders sag and my face droop. “I suppose that being the reasonable one only goes so far,” I said, choking on neckbeard tactics, “but the handsome one always has that redeeming quality.”

“Jay, I…” Twilight looked like she was about to freak the fuck out.

I gave her a smile. “I bet you don’t have a book on acting in here, do you?”

Thunderstruck, Twilight cocked her head to the side. “Does not compute. This is a library, of course we have books on acting!”

“But you can’t tell when someone’s messing with you?” I asked.

Twilight closed her eyes and facepalmed, but she didn’t say anything. Instead, she got up from her chair and joined me on the adjacent couch, sitting far closer to me than I was comfortable with. By that I mean she was touching me while she held my hand with both of hers. “Okay, Jay, I get that your sense of humor is going to be different, even alien, but could you please not… Please don’t do something like that again. I really thought you were upset, and faking that makes it seem less genuine when you actually are upset. And to be honest with you,” She leaned up to whisper in my ear, “You’re still my favorite.” She stopped whispering and sat normally. “Just don’t go rubbing it in, okay?”

I gave her an apologetic smile. “My bad, Twilight. I thought you’d be less upset and more like ‘Oh, you suck!’, you know? And I’m probably gonna rub it in, to be honest with you. He’s earned his just desserts a few times over now.”

She winced. “I’d really appreciate it if you kept me out of that kind of meanness.”

I softened my expression and activated compassion mode. “It’s little more than teasing to us, Twilight, but I hear you. I won’t involve you in our little exchanges.”

Purps gave me a little smile. “Thank you.”

“No problem. So do you want to get started on the history lesson, or would you prefer it if I found a nicer way to mess with you?”

“Well, I’d really rather have your brother present so I don’t have to go over it twice. Did you ever say when he was coming?”

“I did not, and I found a nicer way to mess with you.” I smiled.

“Are you trying to distract me?” Twilight asked.

“I’m trying to avoid telling you that my brother is being promiscuous at the moment and probably won’t be here for a few hours.” I smiled sadly.

Twilight flushed brightly. “O-Oh, well…” She chuckled awkwardly and looked away from me, glancing back as she said, “You know how some people are. It doesn’t matter their gender.” She chuckled some more and it was just as awkward as the first time.

If Twilight was a honeypot, then I was Winnie the-fucking Poo. I was digging her natural derp and cheddar. If I wanted Applejack for her possible connections and relative local power, then I wanted Twilight for sheer infatuation and novelty. It was time for the Champion to make a challenge. “Some people just can’t restrain themselves.” I said huskily, giving Twilight a half-lidded look. “Maybe it’s a natural attraction?”

She glanced at me again and made a frankly adorable noise. “Eep! I- Er, well- Would you look at the time!? It’s time to wake Spike-”

“Twilight, Purps, I’m messing with you again.” I gave her a pleasant smile.

Her face went from pink to red quickly enough. “Jay, I asked nicely.”

I raised my hands. “Let me speak the whole truth; I am interested in you in an intimate fashion, though not as intimate as my body language prolly implied.”

She pouted adorably for a moment, her eyes on the ground. “... That’s not fair.”

“Then I apologize, I think.” I said sagaciously.

Twilight folded her arms and glared at me. “How do I know you’re not messing with-”

I kissed her and hoped that my enthusiasm was muted enough for it to still be nice. I pulled away, but Twilight followed me until I was lying with my back on the arm of the couch, straddling me for a standard kiss that I felt duty bound to make a little more interesting. I got Twilight to open her mouth and slipped her a little tongue, which got her to recoil.

“Wh-What was that!?” Twilight asked.

“Freakin’ weird. PDA rules apply to everyone in the library, Twilight.” Spike said, passing through to place a book on a shelf.

Twilight didn’t breath until he was gone and we both watched him go. “Heh. Heh heh.” She chuckled nervously.

I waited for her to look back toward me since I couldn’t really do that until she got off me, though I was kind of hoping to hit second base since her ass really was just that perfect bubble butt. She didn’t move or say anything for a little bit, so I gently grabbed her chin and gave her one last kiss. “As nice as that was, I’m sure you and Applejack are going to need to hash something out, because I want you both in my harem.”

Twilight blinked. “Dear Heavens, for a split second I thought that you just wanted me for today.”

I stroked her cheek with my thumb. “Gotta admit that we’ve gone a little fast and skipped a few steps, but you’re definitely my type. It’s not hard to see that.”

Twilight left her hands on my chest and kept looking at them like she had been. “... So what type am I?”

“From what I’ve seen so far? The sweet, compassionate intellectual with a few perks.”

Her eyes snapped to mine and there was definitely something there that told me that my life hinged on the next sixty seconds going well. “What kind of benefits?”

I raised a brow as I felt my body heat up and my adrenaline surge. “May I?”

“May you what?” She asked, confused.

I grinned and copped my first handful of the most perfect ass I’ve ever felt, bar none. To this day, I still have not felt a better ass than Twilight, which is why I said, “Oh my God, I could die happy. Twilight, if you don’t think I deserve to live past this moment, it’s cool.” I sighed.

My new Number Two lit up. “Jay!”

I left my hands where they were. “I know I deserve to be slapped right now, but it’s magnificent. If we’re half as happy together as I am when my hands are where they are, then it’s going to be smiles and sunshine.”

Twilight was so stiff that it was amusing, so I moved my hands and placed them over hers. She let out a breath and said, “W-Well, it’s nice to know that you find me physically attractive already.”

“Like I said, you definitely have perks, but like that implies they’re not the main reasons I’m interested.”

A pensive look overtook her face, but the dire spark in her eye said that I’d better answer carefully. “So what other perks do I come with?”

I made a little lassoing motion. “You live in a tree-house full of books on just about anything I could need to know about Arkaid and Arcadia, I’m guessing. This is probably the best place to be to do some learning that I have access too, and something tells me that Applejack referred me to you for a reason.”

Twilight gave me a little smile. “Are you just saying nice things because I’m on top of you? Because I’m about to get off. Whatever’s in your pocket has been poking me for awhile.”

I knew what she was talking about and it wasn’t my Kershaw. “Right. Well it’s been nice having you aboard the Jay Subway. We might not get to the destination very fast, but you’ll have a lot of fun along the way.”

“That’s the slogan for the Twilight Express!” She giggled as she got off of me. I missed having her on me already since I was sure that I could have seen up her skirt at just about any moment, I just needed her to move her damn arms.

What can I say? I like upskirts.

Fuck off.

“You just copied my slogan. I’m a year older, so you’re definitely full of it.” I teased.

She mock-pouted. “Well can’t it just be happenstance instead of plagiarism?”

“Let me have another kiss before I file a lawsuit.” I said, making a silly face at her.

Twilight’s giggle was as cute as she was. “Just one more?”

“There’s no statute of limitations as long as you keep your slogan.” I said, offering her an out.

She dismissed it entirely. “Well, what if I hold onto it just so I get extra kisses?”

“Then I’ll just have to file an injunction and meet you outside of court so we can settle this like mature adults.”

That confused her, but she played along. “What would you bargain for?”

“Nights of cocoa and cuddling.” I said, confident that she was working herself further into the palm of my hand.

“I don’t know, that could get awfully heated.” Twilight mused. “Why not just have a dark roast of weak coffee and call it a date?”

“I’m not all that crazy about coffee, to be honest with you. I drink a cup a day and that’s about it.”

She sighed. “Not a lot of guys drink coffee anyway. It’s like trying to find someone who likes black licorice.”

“I like black licorice.” I commented.

She gave me an odd look. “I guess you do seem like the type.”

I returned her look with one of my own. “The type to what? Like licorice?”

“Yep.” She answered simply. “It’s not unheard of to type people by candy.”

“You mean profile.” I said drily.

“Ah, I should’ve known that you’d understand the usage. You strike me as a smart guy.” Twilight gave me a shy smile.

I liked it when a plan fit together. “Thank you, Twilight. Speaking of, I’m trying to get smarter with magic. I mean, if I have it, I might as well learn how to use it, right?”

She beamed at me. “Oh, I love helping my clansmen explore their powers! I know exactly what we sold start with too!”

Twilight wasted no time in dragging me downstairs to the basement I didn’t know the place had, and therein held a weird mix of magical/alchemical looking devices with a few steampunk-vibing machines that sketched me out. There were arcane runes dancing throughout the room in the air and on the floor, the ones in the air flittering about by themselves or in pairs while the ones on the floor formed geometric shapes, which I assumed dictated their purpose. Twilight lead me through a maze of runes and warned me against jumping into any of them unless I wanted to be stuck or worse for the next few hours. She didn’t explain what ‘Or worse’ meant, but she did lead me to a clear spot on the smooth stone floors.

“Alright! So the first thing we need to do is judge what your MR is, then we move on to step two.” Twilight said brightly, leaving me in the clearing to go fetch a weird bronze thing that was essentially two rounded rectangles that were stuck together with a gauge on top When she came back, she said, “Now keep in mind that your MR can change depending on how much you exercise your magic, so be sure to try and do at least a few basic spells a day so you can put a dent in your magic pool.”

She gave me the thing, so I held it. “What’s an MR?”

“Oh, it’s just your Magical Rank. It goes from ‘A’ to ‘F’ on most scales, though there are people mean enough to still use the ‘G’ scales.” Twilight answered casually, keeping her eyes on the gauge. After a moment, she glanced at me and asked, “Um, are you putting any magic into it?”

“I don’t know how to do that.” I replied blankly.

Twilight stared at me for a second. “Oh! You didn’t have magic on or world, I forgot!”

I smirked at her. “So how do I let the juice loose?”

She lit up and looked away. “I’m pretty sure that means something else to you, and since we were talking about magic, I’m assuming you were talking about how to let yor mana flow.”

“Got it all in one go.” I chuckled.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief. “Oh thank Heavens. Anyway, you release your mana by centering your focus and feeling for the source. Where your mana resides usually indicates your affinity with certain schools of Magic. For example, my mana flows most heavily and collects most densely in my head, just like Prin- Er, Celestia, Luna, and Cadance. Most Medeis find their centers near their navel, though there are plenty that find their mana in their hands and join The Guard, but there’s no telling where someone’s mana tends to collect without either them finding it or a trained professional running a diagnostic with a few helpful tools.”

“Alright, before I try to focus and whatever, didn’t Applejack mention that Mundusians and Icarians also have magic? Where does their mana collect?”

“Good question! Mundusians have their mana flowing through their bodies at a constant rate, which is what makes their physicalities so incredible in comparison to Medeis and Icarians. Icarians have their mana mostly stored in their upper backs and spines, which is what gives them the ability to fly. Did Applejack explain the Sanguis to you?”

I frowned because I recognized the word. “I don’t know what it means on this planet, but I know what it means on mine.”

Twilight gave me a questioning look. “If it makes you feel any better, I’m a Sanguis.”

I felt my heart hammer as I realized that I was completely at the mercy of someone whose very clan slash Path or whatever meant ‘Bloodshed.’ “Yeah, no, not feeling the chill.”

She giggled at me. “Jay, relax! It’s just a word for those of us with all the powers from the clans. It’s nothing to be worried about.”

I blinked my surprise. “Wait, what?”

“If your mana collects in your head, you have the potential to Ascend into the ranks of the Sanguis’. Well… Either that or you’re a BaseMed, which is a Medeis who can’t do anything more complicated than a decent repair spell, regardless of their special talent. There aren’t many BaseMeds, but then again, there aren’t many people powerful enough to do a repair spell like that anyway, so calling them Duds is really just being hateful.”

“Here’s hoping that I can actually do something with whatever Magic I have.” I said, closing my eyes. “Is there a trick to this, or what?”

“Just clear your head and let your mana resonate. I can already feel it stirring, though I can’t tell you why it was being so still in the first place.”

I shrugged and stayed silent, preferring to hone in on the beating of my heart to focus in on my bodies rhythm. The outside noise faded away as I listened, but all I could feel was a tingling in my chest that and been there a few times since I’d popped up in Arcadia. I’d thought it was nothing, but I opened my eyes and asked, “Hey Twilight, is it possible for your mana to collect in your chest?”

“It’s quite possible, but can you be a little more specific? Can you point it out?” She asked hopefully.

“I think it’s my heart.” I answered, tapping my chest.

Her face fell by a fraction. “Oh.”

“Hoping I was something special?” I gave her a bemused smile.

“No, you are special, you’re just… Well, the easiest way to say this is that you’re going to have a hard time using magic since the mana in your heart might need to be there.” She pursed her lips to the side. “We can still test for your MR, but I’m not sure if it would even be worth your time to dig into magic for anything other than academic interest. Why don’t you let me run a test just to double check and make sure, okay?”

I held up the MR tester thing. “What do you want me to do with this?”

“Can you try making your mana flow from your heart to your hands? It should be easy with your MRP.”

“MRP?” I asked, trying to do the thing she told me to do.

“Mana Residue Pockets.” She explained. “If your MRP really is in your heart, then it shouldn’t be hard to get it out, which is why having your mana flow through there is so dangerous. If you’re a particularly low rank, you might even feel faint from just testing your MR.”

I shrugged again and shuddered as I felt the mana start seeping through my veins. It wasn’t an unwelcome feeling or anything, but it was new and alien, which meant that I wasn’t terribly fond. However, I pushed through my comfortable discomfort as the mildly prickly feeling reached my fingertips and Twilight watched carefully as the needle on the little devices meter rose. When it stopped, she gave me a bright smile and bounced in place for a second which would have been nicer if she had a little more to jiggle with.

“Ah! You’re in the clear!” She cried happily. “Now first things first; don’t go around using magic willy-nilly, Mister. At least not without me supervising. With your condition, a simple ignition spell could turn a candle’s flame into a ten foot high tornado of blazing badness, and that would be bad because…?” She tried to Aesop my ass or some shit.

“Well, I’d rather not light anything on fire.” I said uneasily.

“That’s a good answer, but the best one would be because you wouldn’t be able to get away from it. When all your mana is spent, you’re either going to be incredibly sluggish or you’re going to faint then and there, but with your MRP being in your heart, you might not get back up.” She said, frowning deeply. “I need you to avoid using any sort of magic for a little while until I can get a tool from my former mentor so we can limit the amount of Magic you use. Being a ‘C’ Rank Medeis means that you’ll probably get some flak from jealous people from all of the Paths since you’re actually a bit above average, but don’t let that go to your head!”

I chuckled. “It’s not like I can do anything with the magic I have anyway, so they can talk all they want. It doesn't matter at the beginning of the day, let alone the end.”

“That’s a good mindset to have! If you were like your brother, I’d just lock your Magic entirely.” Twilight giggled.

I didn’t really like that. “And why would you do that?”

“I can’t imagine him using magic for anything other than nefarious reasons. You, however, seem like you’d use it for the greater good.” Twilight smiled at me.

I gave her a half smile in return. “I’d probably use it to make my life easier to be honest with you.”

She gave me a look like I’d said something obvious. “Well, it’s natural for you to use your magic and special talent to make a decent living for yourself.”

I showed her my right forearm. “Don’t really have a special talent.”

She scratched her cheek before tucking her hair behind her ear. “Huh. Would you look at that. Does Ty have a special talent?”

“I dunno. I didn’t check his arm out. I mean, I don’t think we really have special talents, but if we’re apparently members of different clans that we didn’t think we were a part of, then I guess it’s possible.”

“Exactly! You know, I have a rune that will expose your special talent.” Twilight wriggled her brows at me.

“Why would you ever need something like that?” I asked, immediately suspicious. I didn’t let it show in my voice and played it off as being amused.

She still froze and had to come up with a half-baked lie. “W-Well, sometimes young adults like yourself can’t find their special talent, so I helped engineer a rune that would at least let them see what it is, even if it isn’t permanent.”

“Ah, cool. I have a feeling I know what my special talent would be, but it’s probably not gonna do me much good here.”

'Then get hip to Arcadian rules, mate. You’ll go far if you mix magic and mechanics.' A distinctly British male voice whispered in my ear. The Torch Bearer was watching out for me, or he was just watching to see what was going on. Either way, I was sure that he’d given Ty and I the tools we would need to get along since he doesn’t fuck you unless you can handle it most of the time. At least, that’s what people say.

“Oh? What do you think your special talent is?” Twilight asked interestedly.

“Probably something to do with mechanical engineering, though the closest thing Applejack said you guys have is tinkering.”

She rolled her eyes. “Applejack should know better. We have mechanical engineers, it’s just that they tend to be in big cities since that’s where most of the manufacturing and industrial jobs are. I actually know a couple, but it’d be interesting to see what type of machines a being from a different planet’s worked on.”

I grinned. “I had a knack for old shit, but I was always a gear head. Get me a decent mix of scrap and I can probably make you something?”

“Well, I do produce a lot of magical and metal scrap.” Twilight made a face. “If you want to do something with it, then it’s yours. I only go digging through my scrap piles when I need to find a big enough shard of a crystal for an enchantment… Or… Something.” She facepalmed.

“Something wrong, Purps?” I asked politely.

She opened her eyes and gave me an exasperated smirk. “You can probably enchant things. Certain enchantments take a fixed amount of Magic that won't drain you, no matter how much mana slips away from you, and you have plenty to work with if you’d like to make a business out of it. You’re pretty lucky if you ignore where your MRP is, and if you do then you get to start looking at the types of enchantments you can do! You know, after we figure out your special talent.”

“Sounds like some pretty cool stuff.” I handed her the MR thing and it disappeared from her hands, so I stared because a thing that was there was suddenly not there.

“... Jay?”

“Did you do that?” I asked incredulously.

“... You mean Teleport the MR device back to its hook?”

“Yeah.”

“Then yes.”

“Dope. Dope as fuck.”

“I-Is that a good thing?” Twilight inquired anxiously.

“Uh, yeah. It's some good shit.” I ran a hand over my tied-back hair.

“Don’t people normally swear when they’re upset?”

“Not upset. Just a little shock and awe is all.” I replied, shaking off the worst of the surprise. “Does that take a set amount of magic too?”

“Well, it depends on the mass of the object and the distance of the teleportation, and if both increase, then the mana cost increases exponentially”

“So I shouldn’t try it.” I surmised.

“That’s not why you shouldn’t try. You have to be at least a B Rank to easily teleport things around, and since your mana can be sapped out of you by a spell more easily than any other kind of Medeis, it’s extremely dangerous for you to try at all. You could successfully send whatever you want, but it might end up halfway across the world with dire consequences on both ends. You can probably enchant because it's not technically spellcasting.”

“So what would happen if I wanted to do, like, a fireball spell and held onto my last drop of mana before I passed out?”

“Well, the fireball would be enormous,” She said like it was obvious, “and whatever you threw it at wouldn’t be untoasted for much longer.”

“So don’t do that either.”

“It’s easier to tell you the things you can do than the things you can’t.” Twilight sighed. “It’s always at least a little sad to see someone with a heart MRP learn that a lot of their possibilities are going to be closed off.”

“Are there a lot of people like me?” I asked.

“Less than a quarter of a percent of the Medeis population. It’s actually the least studied MRP since it’s so rare.”

“And having your MRP be in your head isn’t rare?”

“Cranial MRP’s are the second rarest, but even then they still make up about five percent of the population compared to the fraction of one that the heart MRP has.”

“So five percent of the population could just up and become a Sanguis at any time?”

Twilight huffed. “Please. If it was easy, Icarians would do it.” She covered her mouth and closed her eyes. “Darn it! I’m not biased against any of the Paths, Jay, it’s just something my parents have said for years.”

“Racism by any other name.” I snorted. “You’re cool, but just know that talking crap about people because of what they were born as is a ridiculous concept.”

“I know and I agree!” Twilight said, sounding desperate. “I really wasn’t trying to spread more of that awful hate-speech around, you know? It never does anyone any good anyway.”

“Ay, as long as your aware. Wanna go see what my Mana Mark is?” I asked, offering her another out.

She smiled gratefully. “I’d be delighted. If you really are a mechanical type of guy, then I’m sure Applejack wouldn’t mind if I hired you to help me from time to time.”

I gave her a look. “I want you to claim me too. You don’t have to hire me for anything.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Two things: First, if you want multiple women to claim you, then you’re the one claiming. Second, it’s very illegal to ask your spouse to work without pay, and more illegal to let them talk you into working for free, so whether I have to hand you the coins myself or give them to Applejack, I need you to take them. It’s kinda my job to make sure people follow the law, and I can’t really have you breaking it.”

I gave her an odd look. “Wait, are you the Mayor or something?”

She gave me a happy smile. “I’m not the Mayor, but it’s still my duty to make sure that people are content, safe, and treated well.”

“I’m sorry, but you just don’t strike me as a cop.”

Twilight giggled at that for some odd reason. “I’m not a police officer either, and I’m not telling you what my job is.”

“Is that a solid no, or can I weasel it out of you?”

“It’s a solid-” She tried as I kissed her. Twilight didn’t give me any reason to stop, so I gave her some affection the good old fashioned way.

“You were saying?” I asked after I gave her a sec to get into it.

“... It might change how you feel about me.” Twilight said, biting her lip.

“I’ll give you another kiss if you tell me.” I bounced my brows up and down.

Before she could answer, there were a few knocks from the door at the top of the stairs, followed by quick footsteps. I stepped away from Twilight as Ty came into view, his shirt inside out and his belt not quite stuffed properly into the last loop. “Alright, so what’d I miss?”

“Well, I got dibs on Twilight, bitch.” I grinned.

“Nigga please.” He groaned. “I am swimmin’ in pussy so deep right now, like, you don’t even understand. I still don’t know that cop’s name, but her roommate came home for lunch and the party really started bangin’, na’mean?”

“Wait, you just got back from sleeping with an on-duty officer!?” Twilight shouted.

Ty shot her a dirty look. “Yeah. Authority pussy tastes the best.”

Twilight colored, but she’d already been turning red. Struggling to stay calm, she asked, “Would you mind pointing that officer out for me sometime?”

“Yeah, I would. I plan on smashin’ again, and if I get her fired, then I doubt that’s happenin’.” Ty barked out a laugh.

She crossed her arms and sent him a dark look. “Tyler, I understand that you enjoy intimate activities and plan to continue them in the future, but that officer took an oath-”

Ty snapped excitedly and pointed at me. “Yo, ay! She swore she’d be my cumdump, bruh! Like, on some real! Any time, anywhere!”

“Do you understand how rude you’re being right now?” Twilight asked icily.

“Tch. Get over yourself, dollface. You ain’t no one’s boss.”

“Ay man, little harsh.” I said softly.

“So I’m just supposed to let her come at me all sortsa fuckin’ sideways?” He asked.

I pursed my lips. “You don’t care as much as she does.”

“And I’m just trying to keep my town safe! We can’t have officers slacking off just to go run around and have sex with the first guy they lay eyes on!” Twilight said sharply.

Ty rolled his eyes. “You won’t catch me snitchin’. Got me fucked up.”

Twilight looked to me. “What did that mean?”

“He’s not telling on officer copper-”

“So it was Copper!” Twilight exclaimed.

“What?” Ty and I asked at the same time.

“There’s a cop named ‘Copper’?” I asked like Twilight had lost her damn mind.

She was still upset from earlier, so she was still salty. “You already admitted it-”

“No, Twilight, copper is a slang term for a cop. It’s old as fuck, but it just means cop. I wasn’t pointing fingers, I was saying ‘cop cop’.”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Oh really?”

“Yes, really.” I said evenly. “We were unaware of that ridiculous name.”

Twilight frowned. “How’s Copper Vein a ridiculous name?”

“It’s not ridiculous, Officer Copper is ridiculous.” Ty clarified.

Purps pointed a judicious finger at him. “It might be ridiculous, but I still want the name of that officer!”

“You’re not gettin’ it.” He replied drily. “Give up and let Jay stick his finger in your nose or something.”

Twilight drew herself up to her full height, which was like, five feet and maybe an inch. “Either you give me that name, or I have you arrested, Ty. I don’t want to do that.”

I placed a hand on Twilight’s arm. “Hey, that’s a little unnecessary here, Purps.”

Ty picked his ear while Twilight continued. “I’ll know if you lie to me too, so-”

“Save your breath and arrest me, then.” Ty barked. “What charges are they gonna put on me? I said I slept with a cop, but no one knows which one, and it’s all based on my word.” Ty snorted. “You don’t got a case, babe. Quit being Frozen in time and let it go.”

“Don’t be a fucking fairy.” I chided.

“Disney shit is the best shit, bitch.” Ty challenged.

Twilight took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Did you sleep with an officer from Magiville?”

“Hell yeah, shit was dope.” Ty said automatically, surprising himself.

“And that’s all I need. I’m sorry that I have to do this, Tyler, but you shouldn’t have bragged about this one.” She sighed.

“Twilight, come on-” I tried.

“I’m duty bound, Jay. It’s my responsibility.” Purps said sadly.

Ty bolted and he made it up the stairs before he reappeared in the same spot he’d been, just face down on the ground. After a loud grunt, he said, “What the fuck!?”

I dodged around runes on my way over to him until my feet stuck to the floor, so I turned and saw Twilight coming closer. She patted my arm before crossed the distance between Ty and I, but when I tried to grab her, my arms wouldn’t move either. “Twilight, come on! It’s not that big a deal!”

She turned and gave me a sad smile. “I have to make sure that the law is followed to the letter, Jay. It’s my job.”

“Are you on duty?” I asked, trying to make her see some shade of reason.

“My job is the life I live.” She sighed heavily, a lot more stress than someone younger than me should have ringing through the exhalation.

I didn’t get to say anything as she teleported away, but I did get unstuck, so I ran upstairs, gun drawn, looking for a hostage. Twilight appeared in front of me, so I stuck my gun in her face and said, “Move and die. Where is my brother.” My voice was the same as it always was when I got serious. Low and smooth, calm and assured. Really the only moments where I feel like I’m in my element.

Twilight looked down the barrel, though I’m sure it was too dark for her to see the ten millimeter piece of lead staring back at her. “Jay, what you’re doing is a serious crime that I’m willing to forgive if you put that away.”

“Don’t ask me to repeat myself.”

“Jay, I’m warning you-”

I blew a hole in the floor between her feet, never breaking eye contact as my gun whipped back into position. “Final warning.”

Twilight closed her eyes, so I moved to try and graze her, but stopped halfway through the action to my dismay. She opened her eyes again and snuck her way into my arms. “I’m gonna let this go because I know you’re just worried about your brother. I’ve killed for my brothers before too, Jay, but going against me is a death sentence.”

“... Wait, what the fuck?” I whispered. Things started sliding into place, little questions that I’d had about Applejack and a few that had popped up about Twilight earlier, like why Applejack knew I was dangerous and that Ty was damn near harmless. It also drew me to believe that some of Twilight runes were interrogation circles, and my mind started running wild with the dark undertones that the paradise was presenting.

Twilight took my gun from me and closed my arms around herself with a giggle and an abrupt cough. “I mean, don’t dig too deeply into that, Jay. Sometimes a Princess just needs to take care of business when people come after her family.”

“... What the fuck is my life right now.” I murmured, freaking the fuck out, yet not able to vibrate properly because of the magic in place. Apparently that was a real bad kinda bad because I blacked out, most likely because I was choking.

All in all, my day had started pretty well, gotten pretty fucking great with the advent of the perfect Princess posterior, and then it went straight to shit. When I woke up, I drew a conclusion that is a common, well known fact around Arkaid, and that is that introducing magic into your life fucks it up, one way or another. In the moment, it was a moment of pure ‘HOLY SHIT” mixed “AWW PHUQ”, which were both things I said shortly after waking up, but that’s a story for another time.

Chapter Four: Seemingly Powerless

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Chapter Four: Seemingly Powerless

Small blessings when I woke up included seeing Ty looking at me from across the room and the mattress underneath me. Shitty bits include the fact that we were in a cell, it was a little drafty, and I was pretty sure that Twilight had hit the yandere switch hard, so that was bad too. That’s probably why the first words out of my mouth were, “Holy shit…” followed shortly by, “Aww fuck!”

“I know the feelin'.” Ty scoffed.

“Nigga, why you always gettin’ us in shit!? Why!?” I cried.

“Did you just call me a nigga?” He asked.

“This is some nigga shit, bruh! We don’t even got citizenship and we’re locked the fuck up because you wouldn’t snitch on a bitch you got no loyalty to!”

“Ay, I’ll drop her name and get us out. This ain’t gonna be permanent, James.”

I decided to hold my tongue on that, just in case Ty actually could get himself free. I doubted that I was going to be let go any time soon since I made an attempt on Twilight and she evidently had power, but I couldn’t figure out why the fuck she had so much sway. When I sat up, I felt my knife in my pocket and pulled out a coin I’d found on the road while walking to Twilight’s when I fixed her gutter. I hadn’t given it much thought, but since I didn’t have fuck else to do, I checked it out since foreign currency is usually cool. The face on the first half of the coin was nice. Whoever it was probably had a lot of technologically deprived teenagers beating their meat to her, so I flipped the coin over.

I had a look and tossed it to Ty. “Ay.”

He caught it easily. “What’s this?”

“Dunno, but check out who’s on it.”

He flipped it over a couple of time before it hit him. “... Mac told me that there was royalty in town.”

“Applejack hinted at it, we just didn’t catch on. You snitched yourself out to the toppest dog in the town, Ty.”

“... Shit. Aren’t you dating her now or something?”

“I am, but it’s been less than a day and I’m here with you, so…”

“Why are you here, nigga?”

“... Mighta tried to shoot Twilight.”

“Points for loyalty.” He chuckled.

“Dumbass.” I sighed. “Here’s hoping someone comes by soon.”

It was a baseless hope since Ty and and I ended up just spitting verses back and forth for a full day and going over old stories until one of us passed out with the other following shortly after. We spent three days without seeing anyone, shackled to opposite ends of the room with our food being teleported in through a weird dumbwaiter looking thing. At the very least it was good food, but still. On the fourth day of our jail time, a couple of guards in old fashioned metal armor came in, leading the way for an older woman who was frankly a bit of a milf. Her hair didn’t seem to be prematurely grey, but her generous hips and full bust told me that she was plenty of woman. However, I wasn’t really trying to sleep with the warden before I knew how much longer we were supposed to be staying.

She cleared her throat and some of my assumptions shortly after. “Hello, gentleman. My name is Mary, and I’m the Mayor of Magiville. Now, it would seem that Mr. Tyler has seduced an officer while she was on duty. As such, it has been deemed unwise by a council of nonpartisan officials for Mr. Tyler to stay in Magiville, along with the officer he refused to give up.”

“Ay, you want her name, you got it, ma’am. You say the word and it’s done with here and now, I woulda spilled sooner if someone woulda came by.” Ty spat quickly.

I couldn’t see the look on Mary’s face from where I was, and the guards that were present didn’t look like they were going to let me even think about trying anything, but it didn’t matter anyway. “I’m sorry, Mr. Tyler, but you’re going to be temporarily relocated. I really don’t like doing this, especially since it hasn’t been long since you’ve apparently been in town, but it’s not really up to me alone. If it makes you feel any better, I voted to keep you here and to just let you off with a warning this time.”

“Bruh, you gotta be fuckin’ me right now.” Ty groaned.

“Wait, if you relocate Ty, you gotta take me too!” I said rapidly. “We’re all we got! We don’t have any other family on this planet, and we haven’t been on Arkaid long enough to make many friends!”

Mary pursed her lips. “I’m assuming that you’re Mr. Jay. Again, I’m sorry, but it would seem that your brother needs a male majority town more so than a Femajority at the moment.”

“And that means I can’t go with him?” I gave her a shitty look.

The guard closest to me lowered his weapon and Mary coughed. “W-Well, that would mean taking the women you’ve claimed from their homes, and since you wouldn’t have a means to house them…”

“So you fucked yourself, basically.” Ty said bluntly.

“Basically. Don’t get ass fucked or somethin’, man. I’ll be by to visit as soon as I can.” I replied.

“Bring weed, nigga.”

“Bring deez nuts into your mouth before you go.” I scoffed.

“Shut up before I Donkey Punch your bitch ass.”

Both guards lowered their weapons at Ty and I while Mary asked, “... Do you two do this all the time?”

My brother and I looked at each other. “Pretty much.”

“... And you want to be together because…?” Mary trailed off.

“Ay, you take this one, smartass.” I suggested to Ty.

“No problem, dipshit.” He looked at Mary. “We brothers. We always got each other’s back, so what we say don’t really matter unless it’s comin’ from the heart. Jay an’ I know each other well enough when to take shit seriously, so we don’t sweat the small stuff and let the little shit go.”

I couldn’t see Mary’s face, but I assumed she was giving him a sad smile as she said, “I’m sure Jay will be allowed to visit you shortly enough once the Sheriff and Applejack have a word with him.”

“I can understand the Sheriff, but why Applejack?” I asked.

Mary turned to face me. “Well, she invoked her right as your First to come and visit you, it was just a hassle to get through all the paperwork that it entailed.”

“My first.” I said blankly.

“The first woman in your harem.” Mary explained.

“Ah.” Was my elegant response.

Mary nodded. “If there’s nothing else, then Mr. Tyler is due to be transported in the next hour. I was told to warn you that you would be teleporting abruptly, so don’t try to be apprehensive about it and just say your temporary goodbyes.”

Ty looked at me, but before he could even open his mouth, he was gone and the shackle that was attached to his leg dropped to the ground, glowing luminously. “... Well ain’t that a fuckin’ kick in the teeth.” I grumbled.

“... I am so sorry.” Mary breathed. “I-I didn’t know it would be so soon or I would have come before my coffee break!”

I stared at her for a moment before letting it go since she was just a cog in the clock, not the crown that wound the watch. “It’s cool. It’s not your fault, but I kinda need a hug, so can you get Applejack in here for a bit?” I baited.

Mary gave me a compassionate look. “You’re more likely to get a hug from me than from her at the moment.”

The information was valuable. “I don’t think the guys with the pokey things would let me get away with one.”

Mary glanced at both of the men and they looked at her in turn. “They follow my orders, Jay. I don’t know why you’re here and you don’t seem like a dangerous type to me, so if you need a little comfort, Mary’s here to help.” She gave me a warm smile.

I stood from the hard bed and spread my arms. “If I’m cold, then it’s because it’s chilly in here.”

Mary came over and gave me a hug. “We find that it’s more humane to keep the cells a little chillier than some would like it than to keep it too warm, just in case someone starts sweating and can’t stop.”

“Well, it’s nice to know that I don’t smell.”

“Oh, you do, but it’s a manly kind of musk.” Mary said, her voice carrying a subtle undertone of something intriguing. “You know, it’s rare to find a man who doesn’t douse himself in perfumes to the point where he perpetually smells like them.”

“I like cologne, but-”

Mary let me go. “Oh, so you’re a working man?”

I tilted my head. “... Yes?”

She smiled. “Now, there’s nothing wrong with letting your harem provide for you, but it’s always nice to see a man that likes to pay his own way.”

“I couldn’t live off of someone else without at least doing something for them. It just makes my skin crawl.” I made a face.

Mary beamed some more, which was an attractive look on the older woman. “Mr. Jameson, do us both a favor and stay out of trouble, okay? Don’t let your brother land you in here again.”

“Next time I see you, it’ll be strictly personal, I hope.” I flirted, tossing it out there.

She stopped smiling and gave me a look, crossing her arms. “Are you trying something?”

“Yes.” I nodded to confirm, scuttling the idea. “You’re pretty pleasant, so I’m hoping that we’ll be friends. I like coffee too.”

Mary seemed a little surprised. “Oh. Well, sure, that’s fine. Princess Twilight does encourage making friends more than just about anything else anyway.”

“That doesn’t surprise me. Say, did she have any input on my brother’s sentencing?”

“She did. Instead of banning him from Magiville like the council wanted, Twilight talked them down to a temporary re-education of certain Arcadian ideals. The council is mostly made up of bull daggers,” Mary snorted, “so they fought hard, but Twilight’s original plea to just hold Ty until he gave them the name of the officer and release him once he did was shot down.”

“So this was her compromise.” I said, pinching the bridge of my nose.

“It was the best she could do without invoking her full weight.” Mary said sympathetically.

“Can’t be mad at her then.” I sighed. “Hopefully I’ll get a chance to talk to her and apologize for saying all those harsh words.”

“Ooh, treason.” Mary hissed, sucking air through her teeth. “Good luck with that one, Mr. Jameson.”

I smirked. “If I end up here for good, remember to call me Jay. Otherwise you might as well start calling me Jameson Maxwell.”

“Jameson Maxwell?”

“My first and middle names. My Moms used to call me that when they wanted my full attention.”

“I should have your full attention anyway.” Mary said teasingly.

I pointed at the guards and she nodded for them to leave before saying, “Applejack warned me to be careful around you, but you’re very disarming, Jay. What’s your ploy?”

I looked at her. “Right now, it’s going to go see my brother to get him his gear before coming back and getting things set up for when he comes back. We got a good thing going here so far, and we kinda need to keep the ball rolling. This isn’t all bad, it just looks that way right now.”

Mary smiled. “I’m a politician, Jay, and I know bullshit inside and out. I know you’re full of it. I know it for a fact, but every word out of your mouth is hard, cold truth. How do you do that?”

“I mean what I say.” I said simply, not liking the fact that people were seeing straight through me. “I save the bullshit for when I need it since all it does is cause trouble when you use it carelessly. Keepin’ things kosher while the going isn’t that tough isn’t that tough. It just takes a little extra effort, y’know?”

“I know the feeling well, but I feel like I should be waiting for you to ask something of me.”

“Could I get a cup of tea?”

“Yes, actually.” Mary said.

“Yes.” I moaned. “I can’t drink normal tea around my brother because he won’t shut the fuck up about it bein’ a sissy drink.”

“I like tea.” She said defensively.

“You’re a woman. In his eyes, you’re allowed to. I have the wrong equipment to enjoy something that doesn’t either stain my teeth or wreck my kidneys and/or liver.”

“You really do need to separate yourself from your brother, Jay. It sounds like he’s nothing more than a bad influence.” Mary said softly.

“I’m a worse influence on him in my own ways.” I sighed. “We balance each other out, he just gets me into trouble on occasion. Next time, I’ll tell him to avoid sleeping with someone who enforces the law instead of making it.”

“... That was a joke, right? Your sense of humor is really odd.” Mary chuckled nervously.

I chuckled with her. “It is, even by Earth standards. Don't let me keep you here all day though, Mary.”

“You could bear to call me Miss Mayor, you know.” She chided lightly.

“Do I need to?” I asked, gently smiling at her.

Mary’s own lips curved into a smile of her own. “Only when you see people wearing fancy clothes around.”

“Alright then, Mary. It’s been a pleasure meeting you.” I extended a hand.

She shook it firmly. “It’s been a pleasure, Jay, and I hope that this is the last I hear of you causing trouble in my town.”

“I didn’t do all that much!”

“You swore at the Princess of the area.” Mary said flatly. “You’ve done plenty.”

I put on a fake pout. “She took my brother from me before I even got to play with him! Adults are unfair!”

“... How old are you?” Mary asked.

“It was a joke.”

“Oh. Your sense of humor really is odd.”

“You’re odd!”

“How would you know?” Mary challenged playfully.

“Well, for one, you’re standing around talking to a treasonous guy about random things when you could be drinking more coffee or getting a sip from a flask that you keep in your desk.”

Mary scoffed. “I do have to go, but I’ll have you now that I keep a fifth of gin. No flask required unless I’m doing field work.”

“I’d offer to drink with you sometime, but I’m more of a smoker.”

“Ah, what herb do you like to smoke? I might have some in my stock if you have a hard time finding it around town.”

“Apparently marijuana grows dank and wild around here, so I’ll have to bring some over for you to try.”

Mary gave me a look. “You can’t smoke marijuana, Jay. No one knows for sure, but it’s pretty obviously not meant to be smoked.”

“I smoke it regularly and I don’t have any problems. If you’re talking about how much it hurts to inhale, then you’re sucking too hard.”

“If you say so.” She said. “I do have to go, however, so please try not to… Well, there isn’t much trouble you can get up to in here.”

“If I get caught doing something that everyone does when they finally get some alone time, I’ll just say that you told me to do it to relieve stress.”

Mary took a second to catch my drift, but when she did, her cheeks pinked and she cleared her throat. “Please keep my name out of the matter if you feel the need to do… That.”

“Can I think about you when I do it?” I teased.

Mary turned into a cherry in terms of coloration rather than fruitification. “J-Jameson!”

I cracked up. “I’m kidding, Mary. Mostly.”

She gave me a stern look that I couldn’t really take seriously. “Sorting through your words and reading into what you actually mean is like trying to understand Starswirl’s theory on Quantum Magicka-Mechanica Stargates.”

I blinked. “Would ya look at that. Sounds like a mystery I need to solve.”

“Good luck. Gated Teleportation has been disproven thousands of times over, Jay. A lot of people have lost their lives to pass through a teleportation gate only to come out of the other side in the same room, just missing… Things. No one ever says much more than ‘things’.”

“Gross.” I said. “Still, I’ll throw gerbils or something at one until I can get it to stop killing stuff, then I’ll throw you through and drag you back to see if I send you to the right place.”

Mary gave me a cross look. “That better have been a joke.”

“Of course it was! I’d never throw an innocent animal into a wall of death!” I objected.

She tapped her foot. “I meant the part about me.”

“Oh. You don’t wanna be the first person to travel through the space-time continuum?”

“This is your last chance to scuttle the ship, Jay.”

I gave her a look. “Mary, why would I risk killing you?”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Jay, you can’t joke about killing people. If someone thinks your serious, you’re going to get arrested.”

“So it’s better to just k-” I stopped myself. “Nope, that probably wouldn’t be taken as a joke. Damn, I’m gonna have to be a little more careful.”

“It’s for the best honestly. If your sense of humor allows you to poke fun at death, then it’s a change for the better.”

I scoffed hard. “Woman, what do you think humor is for? It’s to make life seem a little less scary, to put a smile on your face. When you look at my people, Terrans, or rather, the people of Earth, every culture on our planet has some personification of death whether it be man or beast, and people make fun of it to feel better about the inevitable. I joke about death and murder because both happen on a daily basis, and that’s really scary, Mary, so I laugh at it to make it seem less scary.”

Mary tilted her head at me and gave me a gentle smile. “I think you’d like Pinkie Pie. She has the same idea, just a different practice.”

I hummed. “Is she crazy?”

“How’d you know?”

“If you’re considered normal in Magiville, then my sense of humor and the reasoning behind it would probably seem crazy. If Pinkie is like me, then she would be at least a little weird.”

“... You’re a very intuitive fellow, you know that? Say, where do you work at the moment?”

“Well, Applejack has me doing handyman type stuff and Twilight might hire me for something or other that I don’t really remember at the moment, so nothing steady.”

“Come work for me.” Mary requested softly.

“Doing what?” I asked conversationally.

“Helping me weed out the snakes that come through the doors in my own personal castle, Town Hall. Someone with your deductive ability could be very useful, and I would make it very worth your while.” Mary smiled at me.

I returned it with a dopey one of my own. “I’ll think about it. Politics make me feel dirty, but I can see myself lending a hand when needed.”

“Just give it some time and get back with me. If you miss me at Town Hall, then just leave your contact information with my secretary, Mr. Fruit Loop, and I’ll be in touch as soon as possible.”

“Thanks, Mary.” I put my hands on her shoulders and shook her once. “If I’m not interested, then I’ll still come by and tell you.”

She blinked at me as I took my hands off of her. “Why did you shake me.”

“To form the deal. It’s an old tradition where I come from.” I said, full of bullshit.

“You’re full of bullshit.” Mary said drily. “You know good and well that it’s a handshake to seal a deal.”

“Well, you’ve already been shaken over it, so do we need to shake hands?”

She gave me a look that was ruined by her little smile. “I’m leaving, but I won’t forget your tea.”

“Thanks again. If I somehow find a pickle, don’t be surprised.”

“I’m not even going to ask because you’re just going to say something silly.” Mary said flatly. “You may have noticed, but I’m a little older than you, Jay. Silliness isn’t exactly my cup of tea.”

“Well, silliness is my specialtea.” I punned.

Mary covered her mouth to stifle her giggles and I was disgusted by the pun I’d used, but it had gotten her to laugh. “Okay, puns are acceptable.”

“I have to punish myself to make you laugh?” I said since Mary hadn’t heard that one from me yet.

She giggled some more. “Seriously this time! I’m leaving, Jay. Do take care.”

“Think of me as you do the tea.” I requested.

“I’ll be sure to gag appropriately.” Mary teased.

“I hope your dildo smells funny the next time you go to use it.”

Mary blushed and went to respond to that before she closed her mouth and left with me chuckling in her wake. She herself didn’t come back with my tea, but it did come in a thermos-type thing that kept it warm for hours on end. It was also nice to be able to take a shit without Ty in the room, and whipping the wiener out just to do the helicopter was equally nice. I burned a lot of time just sipping decent tea and dozing off and on until I heard the cell door get unlocked again a few hours after Mary left. I sat up on the shitty wall-bed and looked at an older woman who seemed to be in her late fifties or early sixties. Her hair had more silver and white than green and yellow at this point in her life, but it was obvious from her features that she used to be quite the looker, even if she did have an RBF (Resting Bitch Face).

“You’re Jameson, right?” She asked, her voice unsurprisingly deep, given how fucking bulky she was. The Sheriff (I presumed) wasn’t fat or anything, but she looked like she could break your tailbone by hitting the top of your head, which doesn’t make sense until you realize that she’s beating your spine out of your ass so hard it shatters on the ground.

I was understandably a little intimidated. “I am. You must be the Sheriff. Wish we were meeting under better circumstances.”

“So do I, young man.” The Sheriff growled. “Princess Twilight said that you caused some property damage when she arrested your brother. You’re lucky that she’s not pressing charges.”

I scratched my face. “Yeah, I need to apologize for that.”

“You should.” She barked irritably.

“Right. So is there another reason why you’re here?”

“I’m lookin’ at ya. I don’t need another reason to be here.”

I looked right back at her, making sure that she knew that I was staring at her chest. “Tell me, do your tits squirt milk or malt whiskey?”

“Liquor.” She growled.

“Damn, that’s sexy.” I said huskily. “Don’t rape me, okay?”

The Sheriff came over and jammed a finger in my face. “You think I’d fuckin’ do somethin’ like that, being the Sheriff of the damn town?”

“It means you’d be more likely to get away with it, so please don’t. My butt can’t take more than the activity it already handles. It’s very lazy.”

“Are you makin’ a fuckin’ joke about rape?” She asked, her tone lethal.

“No, I’m requesting that you don’t perform that heinous action on me because I’m pretty sure that there’s nothing I could do about it if you felt the desire. I don’t know you. I don’t know your morals. You could be extremely horny, and you already seem pretty angry. I don’t find that the combination works too well too often.”

The Sheriff stared at me. “What kinda fucked up place did you used to live?”

“America, also known as White ‘Murica, fuck yeah! You have to say ‘fuck yeah’ after saying ‘Murica, fuck yeah, because it’s tradition.”

“America sounds like a fucked up little town.” She spat.

“It’s a country, not a town. Three hundred twenty million souls and counting.” I smirked.

“You’re full o’ shit.”

“I’m from a different planet.” I looked her in her eyes and dared her to disagree.

The Sheriff didn’t blink. “... You’re either batshit crazy or you’re telling the truth. Let me tell ya right now that fuckin’ with Twilight, no matter your mental situation, is a fast track to getting fuckin’ locked up for life, so don’t do that. When Applejack comes in to talk to ya, give her a listen and come by the Cop Shop to talk to me after. “

“Gotcha. So… If Applejack kicks my ass-”

“She ain’t gonna lay a hand on you.” The Sheriff growled. “That woman knows the law every bit as well as I do and she’s every bit as serious about upholdin’ it.”

“Cool, so I just have to worry about the hardcore earful I’m about to catch.”

She actually smirked at me. “Don’t envy ya, that’s for sure. I remember the last time I made a bad call when Applejack told me to make a good one. That little spitfire is the only person who’s given me shit since I took up the badge.”

I groaned. “I just had to take the magically strongest and the morally strongest women, didn’t I?”

“Suffer in pleasure, kid. You could do a lot worse than the most successful woman and one of the most respected people in town.”

I scratched my head. “I just dunno. I like Applejack, so that’s cool, and I like Twilight, but the Princess thing is throwing me through a loop.” I couldn’t say anything about her sentencing Ty to something unfair since she’d had to play her hand within her realm of operation, so I just stuck with the main concern.

“I wouldn’t worry about it until Twilight makes ya. She won’t.”

“Thanks, Sheriff Grumpy.”

She curled her lip at me. “Fuck off you little cow pie.”

“See? Sheriff Grumpy was an accurate description.”

“Remember when you were mentionin’ how I could do what I wanted with ya?” She growled.

“Remember how offended you were when I even suggested that you might try somethin’? You’re a good sort, Chief. Might not be used to working on your side of things, but I won’t give you any legal trouble if I can help it. Personal trouble, however, was guaranteed when you came in here all hostile.”

The Sheriff leveled a dick-shriveling glare at me. “Fuckin’ try me.”

A death lollipop was staring me in the face, so I licked it. “Tastes salty.”

The Sheriff’s glare turned into a blank look as she wiped my spit off of her face. “... You’re just gonna be a fuckin’ nuisance, arentcha?”

“I’m not gonna hurt you, but I’m gonna fuck with ya.” I smiled.

“No one fucks with me.” She frowned. “Even Applejack isn’t brave enough for that shit.”

I smirked at her. “What are you going to do when I put a whoopie cushion in your chair and have every cop in the shop staring at you?”

“Hunt you down and pump your ass full of air.” She threatened.

“It’s called a blowjob for a reason.” I winked.

“I can make ya stay here for a month.” She said, her voice low and lethal.

I shrugged. “I don’t think your conscience would let you do that. Besides, your eye twitches when you’re actually pissed off. You’ve been relatively calm since I started fucking with you.”

The Sheriff narrowed her eyes at me. “... Listen to Applejack.”

“Will do.” I replied.

She left after nodding one more time, but before I could lay back down, she came in with a thing, or rather for the sake of not being lazy, she came in with a an odd puzzle cube that was made up of welded bars and two rings in the center. I could tell just from having it in my hands that it was an impossible puzzle, but the Sheriff told me to work on it until Applejack came by, so I gave it a go since I and nothing else to do. I liked the little thing well enough as I tried sliding the rings around on the bars, but there was no way to free the rings or to get them to different parts of the cube. Still, it kept my hands busy until Applejack came in about an hour after Sheriff Grumpy left, so that was nice.

I was still playing with the thing when Applejack came in. I didn’t put it down, but I did give her my attention. “Hi th-”

“Next time you try shit like that, you’re dead.” Applejack promised.

I raised my chin at her. “You’d have done the same for Mac or Apple Bloom.”

“I woulda. That’s why I’m not beatin’ you or kickin’ you and your brother’s asses to the curb.”

“To quote TB; rad.”

“TB?”

“The Torch Bearer. God Two.” I explained.

“What?” Applejack asked.

“Maximus.” I clarified.

“Now you’re just makin’ up words.” Applejack scoffed.

I tilted my head at her. “Applejack, how do you not know that guy’s name? I mean, he’s not the Creator, but he’s the guy who took over for him.”

She scoffed again. “Jay, the Creator’s eternal. They don’t need no one to take over for ‘em.”

“Well, if this is a different universe instead of being a parallel universe, then it makes sense that you wouldn’t know that there’s more than one creator.” I rubbed my face.

Applejack glared at me. “I’m still mad at you, so don’t try and distract me with nonsense.”

I looked at her like she was retarded. “Uh, Applejack? Just because it doesn’t make sense to you doesn’t mean it’s not true. I don’t get magic like, at all, but it’s a fact of life here on Arkaid, just like there being over six hundred different Creators is a fact on Earth. Hell, I’ve talked to Maximus, and I dunno if it’ll work here, but all we need to do to contact him is to burn a shot of bourbon and pray for a quick word. Dude’s supposed to be really reasonable when it comes to proving that he is who he is.”

She folded her arms, her breathing a little shaky. “So there’s more than just Arkaid out there?”

I nodded. “Obviously, since I exist on this planet, but you probably won’t meet any aliens. TB likes to keep his planets separate until they wisen up and get really technologically advanced.”

“Right. You ever meet an alien?”

“Yes, actually. It was one of the lowercase ‘G’s.” I said proudly.

“A what now?”

“A lesser form of an Almighty like Maximus. Lowercase ‘G’s still have immense power, like, reality warping type stuff, but they don’t answer as many prayers as he does.”

“Wait, so, like, did one o’ those lowercase ‘G’s come and see you in person or something?”

“Yeah. No one knows her real name so I had to pray to her as ‘Cherry’, but she came and gave me some dope advice to help me pass some exams.”

“Cherry? You met an alien named Cherry?” Applejack asked incredulously.

I shrugged. “She’s TB’s wife, so it’s probably his nickname for her. It’s been confirmed that a lot of the lowercase ‘G’s go by the nicknames he gave them back when he was still mortal.”

“Wait, so you’re sayin’ that an alien-”

“Nah, you’re already wrong. Maximus was born a Human on Earth, but the previous Creator was on some bullshit and shipped him off to another planet full of these weird-but-cute creatures called ‘Ponies’, kinda like the four legged ones, but they walk on two hooves instead of four. I mean, if they didn’t have hooves for feet, naturally colorful fur, the occasional set of horns or wings, and horse ears, then they could easily pass for human.”

“... I’m so lost right now.” Applejack sighed.

“I keep a copy of the Maxronomicon in my bookbag. We’ll go over it sometime and I’ll show you the main religion of my world.” I chuckled.

She shuddered and seemed to grab something directly from the middle of her chest and pushed the invisible thing towards me. Nothing happened. “Ain’t no religion worth followin’, Jay. One of the biggest no-no’s in Arcadian Law is no cults.”

I snorted. “It’s not a cult if you know the guy you’re following. Like I said, I’ve talked to the Torch Bearer. Dude’s an alright guy, though his voice is weird, and it's not the accent."

“I don’t care if ya’ve met him, I ain’t followin’ no one other than the Princesses.” Applejack said firmly.

“When did I ask you to? If TB didn’t ask you personally to live by the Edict, then you’re either already doing it or he’s not your God. It’s not your problem. I just wanted to show you the thing I try to live by.”

“Oh… Sorry.”

I smirked inwardly because I’d defused the fuck out of her anger without getting bitched at too badly. “It’s water under the bridge. The Sheriff said you were going to talk to me about something, though.”

Applejack nodded. “Right.” Applejack took off the Stetson I’d yet to see her without barring that one time in the showers and reached inside, pulling out a silver star. “Smart guy like you probably guessed after the Sheriff came in, but I’m one of Tough Cookie’s Deputies-”

“Wait, is her name seriously ‘Tough Cookie’?” I asked.

“Eeyup.”

“Fake and gay. Carry on.”

“... Cookie’s one of the most honest, straightest, women around.”

“S’not what I meant, Akane-”

“What in tarnation? What- How- Why are ya callin’ me by my cousin’s name?”

I stared at her. “I swear to TB, if you tell me that you have a family member named Golden Delicious or Granny Smith, I’m flipping my shit.”

“First cousin and that’s Granny’s name. Gran Smith.”

“Do you know where my gun is at? I need to make use of my ten millimeter Q-tip.” I groaned.

“Uh, ya mean the thing ya blew a fuckin’ hole in Twilight’s floor with? ‘Cause that’s mine now, and ya aint’ gettin’ it back.”

“You bitch.” I said plainly.

“What’d you just call me?” Applejack asked.

“A bitch.” I replied.

“Imma give ya-”

“Shut up, bitch.”

She walked up to me, so I stood. Our noses touched and her breasts rested against my chest. “I don’t like that, Jay. I really don’t.”

“Don’t act like one, won’t call ya one.”

“I ain’t actin’ like a bitch.” She seethed. “I’m tryin’ ta keep ya from fuckin’ everythin’ you’re workin’ towards up.”

I looked her in the eyes and placed my hands on her hips. “You’re not a bitch, but I would like my property back. I find it very frustrating when people take things from me.”

“You’re not gettin’ it back, bub. Get used to it.” She snapped.

I pressed my forehead against hers and closed my eyes, not saying anything for a moment before I hugged her. Applejack removed my arms with a firm grip and said, “What are ya tryin’ ta pull, Jay?”

“I’m sad. My brother is gone, my gun is gone, my life is probably in danger, and I’m still on an alien planet. Right now there isn’t a lot to be happy about.” I said morosely.

Applejack gave me a weird look. “... Is that seriously how ya look when you’re sad? Your face didn’t change at all.”

“I also don’t cry from sadness. I’m weird, I know, but I still feel alone.” I said softly.

She stepped away from me and crossed her arms. “Ya deserve it. You’re free tomorrow, but Twilight pulled rank on me and is takin’ custody of ya.”

“Alright.” I said.

There was a little bit of guilt on Applejack’s face when she got back to brass tacks. “Like I was sayin’ before ya got me all distracted with names and bein’ sad, I’m Tough Cookie’s second in command. Right now, the old bat’s lookin’ to retire and I’m in line to take the throne, but I need a partner that can do what you ain’t afraid to do. Most of my gals ain’t never been in a real scrap other than a bar brawl, but I gotta ask ya if ya’ve ever killed someone with your hands.”

“I plead the Fifth.”

“What’s that mean?”

“I’m not snitching on myself.” I said.

“Do I really need ta use magic to make ya tell me? It’ll stay between us, Jay I promise. I already know you’re a killer, so it’s really just fillin’ in blanks at this point.”

I glared at her. “I literally just told you that I wasn’t going to tell on myself. Applejack, take it as a yes.”

She colored. “Don’t you talk to me like I’m dumb, Jay.”

I rubbed my face for a moment as I collected my words. “I thought you’d pick up on it, I honestly did. I knew you wouldn’t know what the Fifth Amendment was, but I thought you would understand that me telling you that I wasn’t going to explicitly confess was a confirmation. I thought it was a sufficient response, I apologize for missing the mark.” I meant that I was sorry she was dumb, but that would have been mean to say outright.

Applejack seemed a little more pissed. “I knew what every word meant, Jameson.”

I removed my glasses and rubbed my eyes. “Applejack, I ain’t even tryna talk over ya head. If I gotta talk like this for ya to get that I ain’t tryna piss you off, then aight. Cool. I ain’t about to repeat myself, but what I said, I meant.”

“Every time you open your mouth, I get a little closer to bein’ in the cell next to ya.” Applejack said menacingly.

I folded my glasses and laid down on the bed provided since I just wanted to go to sleep, but Applejack came to stand over me. “I ain’t gonna dump you over this since hot heads don’t solve nothin’, but we’re gonna have to talk about it, Jay.”

“I’ve killed sixteen people over the course of eight years. I’ve caused thirty eight people to die in total.” I said, closing my eyes.

“... You know you’re a serial killer, right?” Applejack asked.

“More like a vigilante. I follow my own sense of justice.” I muttered.

“... How much faith do ya have in me right now, Jay.”

“I trust you with my life. My deductions have yet to let me down, and they’ve told me that you won’t lead me wrong. Like I told Sheriff Grumpy; I nabbed the magically strongest and morally strongest women respectively in Magiville, probably in the surrounding area.”

Applejack’s voice was closer to my level when she said, “I put down the worst of the worst. Even as peaceful as Arcadia is, the bad guys still come around, sometimes fallin’ from our own trees. I want you to help me bury those bad apples so far down into the ground that they don’t have a hope of growin’ back.”

“Acid. Works better, less effort.”

“We don’t torture people.” She said, her voice steely.

“No, you just mind rape them.”

“... Sugar, if you’re comparin’ a truth spell to mind rape, ya might wanna keep that to yourself. You’re gonna get hurt sayin’ stuff like that.”

“Forcing someone to spill their secrets versus digging for them? It’s different in action, not in spirit. If you only take half the thorns off a rose, it can still stab you.” I scoffed.

“So how else do ya get someone to confess to a crime? Diggin’ for evidence can take months, which by the way can mean that dozens more people are gettin’ hurt, and that’s not even considerin’ the extra resources that it takes to do stuff the old-fashioned Icarian/Mundusian way. What you’re sayin’ is that criminals deserve a chance to get away with it, and…” Applejack trailed off, so I opened my eyes and looked at her to see that she was about to press her badge against my forehead. When my head and the metal made contact, I froze and Applejack asked, “What were you and Ty doin’ that lead you into Twilight’s closet?”

I grit my teeth but the words still came out once the magic from the badge freed control of my muscles from me. “We hit a lick on a doughboy slinger named Mac ‘cause he bodied one of Ty’s little homies on GP to make a point. We got set up and Five-O was on us, so we was duckin’ and ran up on a door in an alley to hide. Next thing we know, we got three bad bitches lookin’ at us like we stole somethin’.”

“... What?”

Torch Bearer bless slang and ebonics.

“That’s what we were doing. Can you let me go now?”

“Explain what that meant. In terms normal Arcadians understand.” Applejack ordered stubbornly.

Maxdamn curious types.

“There was a drug dealer that killed one of Ty’s young friends to make an example, so we got him back, but it was a set up.” I said bitterly.

“Right. So what did ya do to ‘Mac’?”

“I killed him for killing a kid.” I answered.

“Ah. I see why you were so hesitant to explain how ya got here.” Applejack said drily. “Got a few more questions for ya iffin’ ya don’t mind.”

“I just told you that I thought using magic to force someone to spill their secrets was tantamount to mind rape and you think it’s okay to just keep mind raping me?”

She paled considerably and took the star away from my head, but I still couldn’t move. “... Right.”

“Please leave.”

“I need an answer.”

“Consider suicide as your next course of action. Don’t do it, just consider it.”

“... That really hurt, Jay.” She said shakily after a moment.

“At least you can cry about it. At least you can go to your family and find comfort. Please leave me alone.”

“... It’s real hard to tell that you’re hurtin’ from just lookin’ at ya. Your face don’t move, ya sound alright, but ya just say the worst things.”

“The longer you stay, the closer we get to be through all together.” I warned.

“If you’re willin’ to tell me to consider hurtin’ myself, why would I wanna be with ya?” She asked in disbelief.

“If you’re willing to let me sit and suffer; no, if you’re willing to add to the suffering, then why wouldn’t I hurt you? I’m grateful for everything you’ve done for me, but you just stabbed me in the back.”

I was still frozen in place, so I saw Applejack try to keep her composure. “Two wrongs don’t make a right.”

“Then let’s end the wrongs here and make the right choice and agree to not do that again. I won’t tell you to so much as think about hurting yourself, and you don’t invade my mind anymore.”

She glared at me with unshed tears in her eyes. “So what? You can just do it to me whenever ya want?”

“I think it’s wrong, Applejack.Not conditionally wrong, it’s morally depraved.”

“... You kill people.”

“Vigilante.”

“You’d rather kill someone than arrest ‘em?”

“Depends on what they did. Rape and murder earn death. Molestation and domestic abuse earn a beating.”

“... Should I be askin’ ya to be my deputy?”

“You should be leaving.” I finally got control back of my body and rolled so that I was facing away from her.

“... I’m sorry I pushed you away when you needed me, Jameson.” Applejack said softly.

“I apologize for insulting you.” I replied.

“... Do you still want me to leave?”

“I didn’t want you to leave in the first place. I just think you should before I make you any unhappier.”

“C’mere then. It ain’t gonna do neither of us no good to stay mad.” She sighed.

I rolled over and sat next to her on the floor, my left side touching her right. “I’m not mad, Applejack. I only get notably mad when someone breaks my things or hurts Ty. I’m just sad.”

She reached for my hand and I let her have it, being receptive to the olive branch. “Are ya sad enough to consider hurtin’ someone?”

“I don’t want to spread the sadness, I just want it to go away.”

“What’ll make it go away, Sugar?”

“Being back at home in Chatt, trying to fund my life through honest and dishonest means so I can do something with my life instead of slingin’ dope or joinin’ up with people who kill for a living.” Whether you look at the gangs or the Army, the only way you were getting out of Alton Park is if you had some kinda connection.

“... Huh. So there’s… Not much room for me in your plan after all.”

“I’m here for life, Applejack. TB told me that I needed to get used to Arcadian laws, and if he’s as into foreshadowing as people say, then there’s no hope of me seeing my home again. Even if I did, if TB wanted to be a dick about it, he could put me right back where Ty and I were and we could get arrested; locked up for the rest of our days.”

“... I don’t know what you’re tryin’ ta say here, Jay. I really don’t.”

“It’s unfair, but I’m leaning on you right now, Applejack. Without Ty, I feel like half of me is gone, but when… Well… This right here makes me feel better. It makes me feel less alone.”

“Is bein’ lonely really that bad? I mean, isn’t it nice to be alone sometimes?”

“... It’s different with me and Ty. It just is. I let him give away my virginity and I made him take his first kill. I’ve set people up for fucking with him, cost them entire years of their lives or their lives themselves. He’s fought more fights on my behalf than I can count. We… You don’t break a bond like the one I got with my brother.” I replied quietly.

“Ya spend time away from him constantly, Jay. It’s not like y’all even spend that much time together.” Applejack tried.

I looked at her. “You’re telling me that you wouldn’t help Mac clean up whatever mess he got himself in if he asked?”

“Not if it was about to get me arrested.” Applejack said firmly.

“You’re a terrible liar.” I rolled my eyes.

“Okay, so I’d do anything for my family too, but they’re not like Ty is, Jay! He’s gonna get you locked up or worse before your time. You might be the dangerous one, but that’s because your brother is your soft spot, and he’s, and I’m sorry for sayin’ this, but a complete jackass.”

“Not this time. He was going to try her anyway, but Ty got my approval when he slept with that cop.”

“You didn’t make him do anything, but your loyalty to him made you threaten a fuckin’ Princess, Jay. Where does this end? When do you make him fall in line or just cut him loose?”

“If he breaks the rules, I’ll put him in check. Until then, he’s a free man just like anyone else.”

Applejack groaned softly. “You’re gonna be the death of me if we work out. Ya really are.”

“My dick is eight inches long.” I said casually.

She had been looking straight ahead and turned to me, her cheeks red and confusion on her face. “I beg pardon?”

“Eight inches.” I repeated.

“... Okay, but what does that have to do with anything?”

“Every inch is another reason you should keep me around.”

“So I got four more reasons to keep you than any other Arcadian male?” Applejack scoffed. “I mighta felt it, but I didn’t exactly see eight inches.”

“I wasn’t even hard.” I scoffed in turn. “Trust me, I was blessed during puberty.”

“If we hadn’t just got done arguin’ and makin’ up, I’d tell ya ta show me, but I’m also on duty.”

“What, you can’t perform a strip-search?” I teased.

“... I mean, do ya have a weapon on ya?” Applejack asked slowly.

I whipped out my Flitch and pressed the lever on it to open the knife before handing it to her. “It’s one of my favourite pieces.”

She stared at it. “... You ain’t nowhere near as dangerous as I thought you were.” She murmured. “You coulda had the Sheriff when her back was turned. Mary coulda been gone. You coulda got me before you sat next to me.”

“Like I said, I’m only dangerous under certain circumstances.”

“I see. How do I make this so it ain’t pointy?”

I had her pass me the knife and closed it with the liner-lock. “It’s a good knife, too. Hardy steel.” I went to put it back in my pocket.

Applejack had other ideas. “Why don’t you give that over to me, Sugar?”

I stared at her. “... You want me to give you the knife I’ve had for five years?”

“Yep.” She gave me a tight smile.

“... What happens if I say no?”

“I have to take it from ya.” Applejack said, not sounding like she liked where the conversation was going.

“... Will I get it back?”

“Not while you’re livin’ with Twilight, no.”

I didn’t like that. I didn’t like it at all. “Applejack, I’ve carried this knife with me everywhere, everyday, for five. Whole. Years.”

“Ya ain’t gonna be with Twilight permanently, Sugar, and it’s not like I’m gonna let anyone use it while it’s outta your hands.” Applejack soothed.

I shook gently. “No.”

“Jay, I can’t let you keep it.”

“No. No. No. No.” I said, my voice rising in volume as I went along, curling up against my will. The panic attack was building.

“Come on, Sugar. It ain’t-”

“Thecurseisminethecurseisminethecurseismine!” I shouted.

To explain to those who don’t understand, blades get haunted. Guns don’t get haunted, but blades do, and I don’t give a fuck whether it’s someone on Earth telling me that ghosts aren’t real, or if it’s someone from Arkaid; I’ve had my little Flitch ever since Ty bought it for me back when he finally turned sixteen, and it’s been present for twelve deaths, though it was the cause of eight of them. I’ve heard six different voices when I leave home without my knife, so I was understandably concerned with the level of fucking haunted that the knife was.

Applejack eventually wrested the knife away from me while I was too far gone to fight back, though I didn’t learn that until I calmed down when Twilight came by to pick me up early. I came back to reality when Twilight gently shook me. “Jay? Sweetie? Are you there?”

“Flitch.” I muttered.

“Your knife?” Twilight asked.

“It’s haunted!” I bolted upright and Twilight stumbled away. “Applejack’s-”

“She’s perfectly fine, Jay. Applejack’s house is well warded against malevolent spirits and things like that.” She assured me.

“... Right. Right. Holy shit, my life fuckin’ sucks right now.” I said blankly.

Twilight knelt and gave me a kiss that I was conflicted about. On one hand, all of this was her fault, but on the other, she was just being a good Princess, and I couldn’t blame her on that one. “I know it seems pretty bad right now, but you have me to lean on now, Jay. You don’t have to face anything alone.”

I put a hand on her arm and sighed. “I apologize for my actions, Twilight. I-”

“Sweetie, it’s all in the past.” Twilight crooned, a certain gleam in her eye that made me very uncomfortable. “You’re already forgiven, but if you want to show me how sorry you are, I can find ways for you to apologize. I’m sure we’ll both like them.”

The look on her face was innocent, and her voice gave no hint of what she actually wanted from me, so I had to play it subtle. “I wouldn’t mind doing more to show you my apologeticalization, but what do you have in mind?”

“Oh, I was just hoping that you might make me something… You know, a little token to show that you mean it.” Twilight curled a lock of her hair and gave me a bashful look.

“I’ll happily come up with some kind of contraption for you. It’ll have to be sturdy…” I scratched my chin, already laying out schematics before I did away with them.

“I’m sure you’ll find something with all the scrap and new materials I put in your shop!” Twilight said sweetly.

I tilted my head. “Did you convert some of your workspace for me? Twilight, that’s so incredibly sweet and thoughtful… I don’t know what to say.”

She giggled at me. “No, silly! You can use my lab whenever you want, but I bought you a shop in town! I’m sure you’ll find something or some way to run a business.” Her smile made me blank out for a second.

“Uh… You… You bought me a shop?” I asked, thoroughly fucked in the gourd, thrown through a loop-de-loop make of inch-long clitorises and penis tips.

“Of course! You don’t seem like a Harem King to me, so I figured that I would help you get started on finding a path for yourself!”

“... Ya kinda chose a path for me, Purps. If I turn down your offer, then I just wasted a lot of money.” Panic shone through in her eyes along with irritation, so I bitched up real quick before I lost her favor. “We’ll see if I have what it takes to run a business, but I’m going to be leaning on you even harder now.” I sighed.

Twilight’s eyes lit up and she beamed brilliantly. “I know we’ll make it through! You and me? We were made for each other, Jay.” She giggled merrily and my blood fucking froze.

Bitch was loco.

“Isn’t it a little early to tell?” I asked, chuckling nervously.

Her jovial look turned dark. “You don’t love me?”

“In America, love at first sight is like magic; it’s nonexistent. I’ll come to love you on my own time, but I would dial down the gifts a little.” I gave her an encouraging smile, hoping that it would get through to her. “I mean, I know we have chemistry, but I can’t let you give me an entire shop and not spend every waking moment trying to pay you back.”

The fury left and was replaced with another warm look. “Sweetie, my darling, you don’t have to pay me back.”

I subtly took a deep breath and steeled my nerves enough to glare at her, which made her flinch, oddly enough. “I’m not going to just take from you, Twilight. I want to love you right, and that means giving back. When you think of a way for me to pay you back, let me know so I can stop doing random little things for you.”

My ‘Hopeless Romantic’ routine went over with aplomb. “You’re so different from Arcadian men, Jay. Most guys around here would expect me to do that, but I have the funniest feeling that you would have rather me asked you about it beforehand.”

I gave her a half smile. “I really would’ve. I’m sure you’re loaded, being a Princess and all, but I don’t want you using your resources for stuff like that. At least not for me.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes at me, blocking off a lot of my indicators, so I had to read her face as a whole. “If I’m not supposed to shower you with gifts,” I cringed, “then what am I supposed to do?”

“... Kisses and hugs work just fine. When the right time comes around, then probably sex. Honestly, Twilight, I’m not and I never will be with you for what you can provide me with.” I lied heartily. It’d never hurt, anyway, but now I needed to keep her close to stay alive. “In fact, where I come from, it was traditional for the man to take care of the woman in the relationship”

“That’s a little weird, but I’m guessing that it must be hard for you to wrap your head around being the opposite sex in the relationship.” Twilight made a sympathetic face.

“It’s fuckin’ looney’s what it is. Looney like the tunes, babe.” I reached over and grabbed my glasses from the bed since I remembered where I’d left them. “I’m guessing that life is only gonna get loonier.”

“Probably, but that’s supposed to be the life of a Princess.” Twilight giggled.

I chuckled along with her. “I guess I’m going to be catching some weird on the side… Hey Purps?”

“I love that nickname.” She sighed happily.

“I’m glad you do.” I said tenderly. “I know it’s been like, a day, but when’s the soonest I can go see Ty?”

Twilight gave me a sad smile, but her eyes said that she was pissed. “Why would you want to visit the guy that got you thrown in jail, Jay? It doesn’t make much sense to me. Besides, I’ve spent far longer away from my older brother than just two months, and we’re really close too.”

“If y’all can be apart that long and not see each other, then you don’t have the same type of bond that Ty and I do.” At her offended look, I said, “I’m not disparaging the love you have for your brother, Purps, I’m just saying that the longest Ty and I went without seeing each other was when he did a month in jail for vandalism, and we both went through Hell. He ended up joining a gang and I fought more than I ever have in my entire life. Ty might get me into trouble, but it’s worse when we’re not together.”

“We can make Ty play nice.” Twilight said, insanity blatant in her voice.

“... Please don’t.” I requested softly.

“Hmm… Why would I let a menace to women everywhere go free?” Twilight asked.

“He’s not a menace, he’s a slut! He’s just promiscuous and that’s pretty much the only thing wrong with Ty! Like, if he didn’t hit on you when we first got here, would you be as against him as you are?”

“I’m not against Ty, I just don’t think he’s healthy for you. You’re better-”

“I’m not better off without him and don’t you dare fuckin’ say shit like that. You don’t know who I am, Twilight Sparkle. Ty keeps me in check better than I keep him in check.”

She didn’t flinch this time, instead cupping my face with her hand. “I’m sorry, Sweetie. I should have known better than to say something like that.”

I held her hand to my face. “I love my brother too much to not keep tabs on him Twilight. I need to know that he’s okay.”

“You feel like he’s your responsibility, don’t you?”

“I am my brother’s keeper.” I chuckled.

“He’s a grown man, Jay, and he’s older than you at that.”

“He looks after me too, Purps.”

She smiled, but it didn’t reach her eyes. “... I just don’t see it, I guess. I’ll get a trip together for you in a week, but you might need more time to get your shop settled than you think.”

“I’ll see if I can enlist Belle or Fluttershy to help me out if you’re busy-”

“Oh, I was planning on helping you from the start!” Twilight said brightly.

“Sweet. Let’s hope intelligence equals organizational aptitude, right?”

She pouted at me. “I’ll have you know that I am quite organized. I am a scientist as well as a Sanguis, you know.”

“Wait, why did you call me your kinsmen if you’re not a Medeis back when we were talking about my MR and stuff like that?”

Twilight tilted her head at me. “Most of the Sanguis Ascended from Medeis except for Cadance. It’s not that weird.”

“Oh, I see.”

“Orange insect cloaca?” Twilight asked.

“What?”

“OIC, Orange Insect Cloaca.” She repeated.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“No, you said OIC!”

I gave her a look and she gave me a shit eating grin. “Come on, Twilight.”

“Where to?”

I groaned. “What did I get myself into?”

“A lifetime of great jokes and warm kisses.” She beamed some more.

“I’ll give you a kiss if you stop making jokes.” I offered.

“What’s wrong with my jokes?”

“They’re bad.”

“Oh hush! You wouldn’t know a good joke if it landed on your lap!” She said, waiting for me to take the bait.

If I were a fish, I would have looked at the worm and sighed before giving the line a few tugs like the laziest of handjobs. However, I’m good at being fake as fuck. “Well, if I may be so forward, then I’d like to say that I’d have you in my lap over a joke any day.”

The Cray Cray was on her face when she said, “Why don’t we get started today then?”

“Sounds good to me.” I stood and offered her a hand up.

She took it and gave me an odd look. “Is that another thing that guys do for girls back in America?”

“Well, it’s just a nice gesture period, I think. If I try to open doors for you, then please let me.”

“No.” She said flatly.

“... It’s not even up for-”

“Nope.” She said dismissively.

I folded my arms and went to refute her claims, but she gave me a look that made my throat close up and my mouth go dry. “... ‘Kay.”

“... Did you just ‘Kay’ me?”

“Lil’ scared here.” I said softly.

Twilight’s mouth dropped open with a little, “Oh!” before she wrapped me up in a tight hug. “Jay, I would never hurt you!”

“Thank-”

“Unless you try to leave me. I don't know what I’d do then!” She giggled maniacally.

I swallowed my fear and hugged her back a little tighter. “It’s a good thing you’re sticky, then.”

She lifted her head from my chest and gave me an odd look. “I am?”

“Well, I have a feeling that you’ll stick around as long as I treat you with respect and affection ,so I just gotta stay the path and we don't have to worry about you potentially killing me.” I said lightly, trying to make myself feel better.

“Oh, I know for certain that I wouldn’t kill you. Kidnap, yes, but not kill.” Twilight giggled some more. “Let’s get off of that little topic and move onto where you’re sleeping tonight. My vote is in my bed.” She smiled some more.

I let her go and closed up my body language. “... Little soon for that, isn’t it?”

She gave me a manic smile. “I don’t see why it would be.”

“... I’ve never shared a bed with a woman for more than a couple hours.” Barring childhood and sex, of course. Hell, even with sex, I still never slept in bed, and I’d gone over to most of my girlfriends' places whenever it was that time and tended to wait until the fell asleep to go sit in the living room.

“Well there’s a first time for everything! I’ve never shared a bed with a man before, but I’m sure we’ll work something out.” She grabbed my hands and started swinging them about.

I rolled my wrists out of her grasp and let my hands slide up the length of her arms, over her shoulders, and up her neck so I could gently cradle her face. Twilight froze, her breathing hitching every so often as I let the tension build. I gave Twilight a tongue filled bribe that couldn’t be accurately described as PG-13. I easily could have had a sweet piece of Twilight in a fucking prison cell of all places, which has been the source of so many fucking laughs over the years, it’s ridiculous. It’s like some shitty harlequin romance novel where a Princess falls in love with a prisoner and they do it in the dungeons or some shit. I decided not to consummate our relationship in a place where my brother and I had stankified the pot with increasingly large logs and ended the kiss when Twilight got me to half mast with her antics.

I took a step away and held her arms. “Twilight, I’ll kiss you until the Sun goes down for the final time, but the idea of sleeping with someone makes me wanna run.”

“Sleeping sleeping or coitus sleeping?”

“Sleeping sleeping. I don’t like being defenseless around people.”

She took my hands and placed them over her heart. “What if I Pinkie promised to never hurt you? Would that make you feel better?”

“... Aren’t we a little old for the pinkie promise thing?”

“A twenty-four year old woman came up with it.” Twilight replied blankly, holding up her right pinkie.

“... Fucking Max, this planet is weird.”

I like it

“I’m sure you do. You probably made it.” I grumbled.

“What was that?” Twilight asked.

“Talking to TB. He said he likes Arkaid.”

“... TB?”

“The Torch Bearer. The guy who’s taking over for the Creator so he can wink out of existence.”

She sniffed me. “... You don’t really smell like Helix Powder…”

“What’s that?” I asked.

“An excuse for you to be sounding crazy.” Twilight chuckled awkwardly.

I rolled my eyes. “I’m supposed to accept being put on a different fucking planet that has Maxdamn magic, but no believes that the alien is speaking the truth. It’s like, how do you expect to learn anything if you ignore new information.”

There was fire in Twilight’s eyes. I mean, I’m still pretty sure that I saw the actual ghosts of flames in her irises. “Are you doubting my intellectual curiosity?”

“I’m downright challenging it.” I lifted my chin.

“Prove your Torch Bearer exists.” She stuck her own chin in the air.

“I need a bottle of bourbon, a non-flammable bowl, and my things from Applejack’s.”

“... You’re serious?”

“Deadass.”

“... What would a dead donkey have to do with anything?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Um… I guess it’d be hard to pull your wagon if your donkey died or something.”

“Oh. I’m pretty sure you just made that up.”

“It was just slang that meant ‘yeah’ back on Earth, but I don’t know the etymology.”

“Then why did you pretend to know?”

“Um… Reasons? I don’t know what they are, but I’m sure that they are.”

“That they are what?”

“In existence.”

Twilight ran her fingers through her bangs. “I just entered a relationship with one weird fella.”

I wanted to ask her what amount of room she thought she had to be talking, but I liked my head where it was. “I blame all the lithium they’ve been putting in the batteries.”

“Why would there be lithium in a battery? How would you even get a metal into a crystal without using Aqlchemy or micro-translocation?” She looked at me expectantly.

“... Uh, I don’t really know how to make batteries, I just know how to use them. Never even heard of a crystal battery.”

“Then what are your batteries made of?”

“Uh… Zinc and magnesium dioxide, I think. I think the last time I looked it up was back when I was like, seven.”

“Oh, so you had tomes and textbooks on general knowledge on Earth?”

“Can we have this conversation after I have a shower and a change of clothes, please?”

Twilight puckered her lips slightly and walked her fingers up my chest, so I touched her arm. “... Can I join you in that shower?”

“Is Spike going to be there?”

“He’s old enough to know that his big sister is dating someone. We’ve actually talked about it, and he says that he thinks you’re a good fit for me because you’re weird.” She rolled her eyes. “He thinks everyone who isn’t a Drake is weird though, so don’t take offense to that.”

“What’s a Drake?” I asked.

“Someone born with Dragon’s Blood in their veins. Sometimes Dragons lay eggs that are dysfunctional due to the highly magically environment of a Dragon’s cloaca, and the ability to shift between Human and Dragon forms get mixed up at birth. I hatched Spike as a Human baby, but he’ll eventually be able to harness his inborn mana and transform into a full-blooded Dragon.” Twilight said, Lecture Mode initiated.

“... So he’s a Dragon?”

“Yes, but the correct term is Drake. They aren’t that uncommon in larger cities, but Spike’s the only Drake in town right now.”

“Right. Can we leave now?”

“Can I shower with you?”

“Are you gonna grope me?”

“Ma~ybe.” Twilight sang.

I gave her a blank look for a few moments. “Alright, this is permissible. I actually wanna get clean though.”

Twilight stepped a little closer and stood on her tiptoes to lick my neck. I thought she was about to end my life for a second. “I don’t mind getting my tongue dirty to help you get clean.” She purred.

I resisted the temptation to shudder at the thought. “As nice as that sounds, I’d rather be clean for that anyway.”

“Does not bathing bother you?”

“Very much so.”

Twilight teleported us into a bathroom that I assumed was hers. “I’ll be right back, okay? Get the water started, but don’t get in without me!”

She went to leave, but I needed to earn some brownie points, so I caught her on the way out and gave her a parting kiss. “Don’t be long, Purps. I'll miss ya.”

Twilight gave me a quick kiss and a bright smile before dashing off to go do whatever it was she was going to do, so I had a look around. The bathroom itself was neat and orderly like it had just been cleaned, and even smelled faintly of lavender. I wondered if Twilight was actually a tidy person or if she was putting up a front for me, but let it go before I went too far down the rabbit hole. I figured it would be for the best if I started making funny faces in the mirror so Twilight would catch me doing it, and when she returned, the action was noted and she gave me a kiss for being silly. It was a poke to the pride, but getting to help her strip was pretty fucking worth it. Her perky little B-cups hid behind white lingerie that was frilled with purple lacy embellishments. Her panties were much the same, and I was easily impressed by her choice in attire, though I felt bad for not being able to do much in turn with dirty boxers and greasy hair.

Apparently Twilight bought specially scented unisex soap just for us to use during our first shower together, and I was a little surprised to find that I was actually kind of digging having her wash me since she wasn’t technically touching me due the washcloth in the way. Twilight could wash a back with the best of them, so I made sure that the little fondles and kisses I initiated after we were clean were nice and tender for her efforts and restraint. I finally allowed myself to harden when I encouraged Twilight to do some exploring with her hands while I did the same. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed the moment, despite the yandere that might renege on her word feeling me up, but the awe on Twilight’s face kinda made it feel worthwhile. It was like she’d struck gold in me and I couldn’t help but want to give her more of what she obviously wanted.

My hands traveled south on Twilight and over the short, fuzzy growth on her muns, but Twilight pushed my hand away and leaned out of the kiss we’d been sharing with a blush on her face. “Don’t you want to save that for later?”

“One more kiss before we get out, then?” I bargained.

She smiled and gave it to me. “You don’t have to be in the shower to make me wet.” Twilight purred.

I gave her a dopey look. “I carry a squirt gun”

She gave my bratwurst a quick physical. “Is this it?”

“It takes a few pumps, but it’ll spray.”

“Only a few?”

“Well, it takes a little while, but it’s well worth the effort as long as you don’t hit someone in the eyes.”

Twilight smiled and licked my chest for some odd reason. She was probably trying to be sexy. “I’ll be sure to swallow. Everyone says that guys don’t like girls who keep it all to themselves, but I just want that one little thing. It’s not too much to ask, is it?”

I gave her a look. “... Twilight, if you want to keep it all to yourself, do so knowing that I’m happier that you kept it.”

“Aww, that’s so sweet! I can’t wait to see if you taste sweet too!”

“I have been eating apples for the past few days.” I murmured. It was most of the prison fare besides bread and a bowl of cold broth. Those two apples with every meal were better than any other fruit I'd ever had at that point in my life, but the broth was the perfect au jus to the bread, to be fair.

She giggled at that. “I can’t wait to see if you taste like apples!”

“Knowing my luck, I’ll probably taste like butterscotch.” I sighed.

“I like butterscotch.” Twilight huffed.

“I’m not judging you, I’m just seeing you in a different light.” I replied sagaciously.

Twilight gave me a look and the shower turned off by itself. She closed her eyes and we were dry moments later. “I’m shoving you into a rune circle for that.”

“Which one?”

“The Mana Mark one that we should have gotten to last time.”

“Ah. Can you gently lead me in for the price of two, count ‘em, two kisses?” I asked.

She beamed and stole one from me. “Deal! Hurry up and get dressed so I can get the other kiss, okay?”

I swept the shower curtain aside because I was feeling mildly amused and got dressed in the clothes Twilight had brought back for me. Everything fit pretty well and was rather comfortable, seeing as how it was just a black collared shirt and some jeans. The boxers included were nice and breezy, but I was mostly concerned with the clothes themselves and where they came from. After getting dressed, Twilight lead me down to the living room slash library area where Spike was chilling and she told him that we might be experimenting in the basement.

He raised a brow at me. “Experimenting?”

“We’re trying to find my Mana Mark.” I explained.

“Right. Twilight, why is the guy who put a hole in our floor back in our house? I mean, don’t get me wrong, but doesn’t that seem like a bad idea?”

Twilight gave him a look that made the poor fellow’s protests wither under her gaze. “Jay sincerely apologized, and he was under duress when he did that anyway. I like him, so he’s going to see how he likes staying with us.”

“I’ll try to stay out of your way and help out as much as I can.” I said awkwardly.

Spike nodded, his shoulders hunched. “R-Right. Cool. Thanks.”

I was wringing my hands as Twilight took us down to the basement again, but this time, nothing was going to go wrong because Murphy was sleeping. Purps took me over to a white rune circle that was actually circular before leading me in by the hand. “See? I can keep my end of the deal.”

I gave her another kiss for not killing me and she checked out my right forearm when we were done with that little smooch. Since she was looking at the thing, I had to look at the thing, and lo’ and behold, I had myself a Mana Mark. I was a little confused since I didn’t know what the crazy looking soldering iron actually was, and the pistol that it was parallel with was unlike anything I’d ever actually seen, seemingly made of clockwork. A cog encircled the two things, but I didn’t know what either fucking one of them was.

It was a good thing that Twilight was as smart as she was crazy. “Congratulations on being an Artificer!”

“What?” I asked blankly.

“This means that buying your shop was the best move I could have made!” Twilight said, her voice carrying a different truth. She probably checked my Mana Mark before she sent me to join Ty.

I swallowed the negative feeling in favor of not feeling like a trapped rat. “Why’s that?”

She gave me an incredulous look. “If you’re an Artificer, then that means that you’re an Enchanter, plus you can probably work with runes! Your magical doors just opened up all over again!”

“Cool beans.” I replied elegantly. “Should I start studying how to do this stuff, or is it magic as shit and just comes to me?”

Twilight blinked at me. “... I don’t see how you’re not excited about this.”

“I don’t really know what it means, Twilight.”

“It means that you’re going to be making Prinnies hand over fist if you have an sort of aptitude for it! Enchanters with your power are rare since most people don’t respect Enchanting as a School of Magic, but Artificers are even rarer since having an Artificer’s Engraver as a Mana Mark rarely ever happens! You got super lucky, Jay.”

I scratched my face and chuckled. “I always fantasized about having magic, y’know? Casting shield spells, summoning storms, creating fire from thin air; all of it. Never thought about how being able to do all that amazing stuff with Magic would do if I was just trying to live a normal life. I mean, I just got handed a good job on a silver platter, so all I gotta do is keep at it. Makes me wonder what Ty’s Mana Mark is, though.”

Twilight raised her brows. “He didn’t tell you? He already got it.”

“What?”

“Yup. It was a bed with three ‘X’s on the covers.”

I cracked up. “Aw shit, it’s not even a surprise.”

“I don’t know what it means, but I’m assuming that it has something to do with intercourse.” Twilight said drily.

“You’re one hundred percent dead on. I told you that Ty was a slut.”

“You shouldn’t say things like that about your brother, even if they’re true.” Twilight said softly.

“He gets more tail than a toilet seat. It’s just unnecessary.” I scoffed. “Anyway, what’s a Prinny?”

She gave me an odd look. “Why did you wait so long to ask?”

“We were talking about more important things.” I replied matter-of-factly. We can cover all topics depending on how we approach the conversation.”

“... You’re really efficient. That’s… That’s pretty hot to be honest with you.”

“Thanks, Your Adorableness. What’s a Prinny though?”

She gave me a smile and I could see the shift in her eyes. “Prinnies are lump sum coins that come in tidy numbers that range from twenty-five to one hundred at intervals of twenty-five. Each coin is named for a Princess, and they’re named, in order of ascending value, Twily, Caddy, Looney, and Celly. A Twily, which has both of my faces on it, is worth twenty five bits, and a Looney, named for Luna, is worth seventy-five. I’m sure you can figure out the rest.”

“I’m stuck on the two faces thing at the moment.” I gave her a dopey smile.

Twilight was about to reply when we were interrupted by the sound of feet quickly descending down the staircase, and then a loud rush of wind and a heavy breeze as something large and bipedal flew right up on us. If I’d have had my gun, I woulda shot the shit out of the woman who rasped, “Hey Twi, I’m looking for a good GL kinda book. Ya know, mix it up a little. Got any suggestions?” She asked, ignoring me completely.

I took a moment to examine the toned form of the technicolor-haired Icarian in from of me. Her hair was kind of scene, thus making it gay as shit, but the tight-fitting apparel she was wearing made that seem like less of an issue since she had the same problem that a lot of slim, toned women have; she lacked ass. “Rainbow Dash, is it really that hard to not be rude to a man when you meet one?”

Dash glanced at me. “Sorry, Bub.”

“Don’t sweat it, Dashie.” I replied.

Rainbow Dash went from glancing to glaring. “Don’t call me Dashie unless you know me.”

“Here’s hoping we get along then. I’m Jameson, but my friends call me Jay. I’m the guy Twilight and Applejack seem to like more than the other ones, though I don’t really get why.” I rubbed the scruff on my chin.

“Wait, you’re Jay? The guy I’m supposed to be keeping an ear to the ground on?” She scoffed. “Dude, I can tell just by looking at you that you’re pretty much harmless unless someone starts screwing with you.”

I shrugged. “I’ve told Applejack the same thing. Hell, I had a knife in jail and I didn’t try anything because that’s just not me.”

Rainbow smirked. “So you’re a wimp?”

“I’m just not that mean.” I shrugged.

“Rainbow, stop trying to egg Jay on for no reason.” Twilight snapped.

Dash flapped her ethereal wings, hovering in the air. “Yeah. yeah, yeah. Whatever you say, Twilight.”

Rainbow dismissed the fire in Twilight’s eyes, but I saw it for what it was. I wasn’t about to save her ass though. “I’m warning you, Rainbow. Messing with my man is a fast track to getting a spanking in public. Again.”

Dash colored and gasped. “You said you wouldn’t do that again!”

“I won’t if you don’t make me.” Twilight huffed.

“You suck, you know that?” The rainbow-haired woman griped.

“I’m just trying to get you to be nice to someone who hasn’t done anything to you. Jay’s a nice guy if you give him a chance and avoid messing with his brother.”

Rainbow looked at me with a modicum of respect. “Loyal kinda guy, are ya?”

“If you can earn my loyalty, you keep it until you fuck me bad enough.” I replied.

“What, too many bad experiences with the ladies?” Dash scoffed. “Trust me, dealing with guys is worse.”

“From what I hear, guys in Arcadia are largely lazy ass punks with too much time on their hands. Glad I’m not from this planet.” I grunted.

Rainbow rolled her eyes and looked at Twilight. “And you’re making this lunatic your-”

“Rainbow Dash, you know that word is very offensive to Luna!” Twilight chided.

The athletic woman groaned and rubbed her forehead. “Look, Twi, this guy sounds like a crazy cotton ball. What can he do for you?”

Twilight glared at her. “I don’t need Jay to do anything other than love me.”

“And what makes you think he's not just with you because of your status?”

“He went for Applejack first and seems to be staying true to her. I’m sure we’ll see who the favorite is tomorrow.”

“Applejack’s losing because she took my stuff. Twilight’s winning because I swear she tastes like weird grape juice.” I commented.

Rainbow stared at me. “Applejack doesn’t steal from people.”

“She took his weapons.” Twilight clarified.

Dash snorted. “She shoulda let him try something.”

“What’s your bag? Are you just a twat to everyone, or did I somehow offend you without doing anything?” I asked.

She narrowed her eyes at me. “Ya wanna run that middle bit by me again, punk?”

“Hostile. Good way to get laid out, bitch.” I snarled.

Twilight put a hand on my chest and stepped between us. “Either of you move and I’m arresting you, okay? Okay. Rainbow, I don’t keep GL type books in the library, so try Pinkie or Fluttershy. Jay, if you start fights while on probation, I’m gonna punish you somehow and you’re not gonna be happy about it!”

Rainbow snorted. “See ya later, Twi. Keep a muzzle on your mutt-”

“Kill yourself. Slit your wrists and sit in an ice bath so that you die slowly. Call me a fucking mutt again, you retarded cunt. I dare you.” I growled, letting the hate flow through me like I was trying to feel the Dark Side of the Force.

Dash popped her knuckles. “Doggy don’t need teeth, huh?”

I popped my neck, but when I went to move, I was stuck all over again. Twilight came around to give me a disapproving look, but there was more confusion in her eyes than anger. “Jameson, that was an awful thing to say, but I’m sure you have an explanation.”

“Calling a mixed person a mutt is like calling a black person a nigger. It’s a fast track to getting hurt, and I don’t like saying either.” I informed.

“How is Ty saying ‘Nigga’ all the time different from pronouncing it with an ‘R’?” Twilight asked, rubbing her face.

“I think both uses of the word are demeaning to the person you’re using it toward, and to the person using the word. Ty does it because he a fool.”

“So Rainbow just called you a really bad word?”

“Do you have the term ‘racial slur’ here?”

Twilight nodded. “You still shouldn’t have said what you did.”

“I’m not taking it back.” I replied.

“I didn’t expect you to. I’m gonna go talk to Rainbow.” She patted my shoulder and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek before walking over to nag at Dash for being a bitch. The rainbow raggin’ ratchet twat left after some harsh whispers and Twilight let me go when she came back to me. “So, has that ruined your day, or would you like to try and mess around for a little bit?”

I raised a brow at her. “We’ve done a little messing around already. Are you trying to tell me that it’s nightfall?”

She blushed and pinched my cheek. “It’s not that time quite yet, but if you can’t wait…” Twilight trailed off, giving me a hopeful look.

I glanced at the staircase. “Maybe when we’re somewhere with less interruptions.”

“You know I can lock that door, right?”

(It’s All Sex Until The End Of The Chapter. You Can Stop Reading Here.)

She did lock that door. She locked the fuck out of that door, because I could hear multiple deadbolts and other kinds of locks slide into place as Twilight reached up to place her hands around my neck. I figured I’d give in and see what all the fuss was about when it came to crazy pussy, so I leaned down to make her ob easier and laid down the lip-laws with some smooches, a prolonged tongue wrestling session, another little smooch, and then the unbuttoning of her blouse.

Twilight let me do as I pleased with apprehension in her eyes, so I was sure to slide her top off of her shoulders instead of pulling it off or generally flustering her with my actions. Her breathing was soft and uneven as I let my fingertips graze the soft, smooth flesh of her arms up to her clavicle. It was warm enough in the basement to be bearable, but there was a slight chill in places that made me hope that I wouldn’t shrink. My thoughts were baseless since I didn’t have to worry about it until I wanted to de to Twilight being frozen in place, so I tried to jumpstart her with a kiss and ended up unhooking her bra because I could.

When her bra was gone, Twilight started shivering lightly, so I slowed down further and tried to calm her nerves through a soothing kiss that lacked the passion of the first one. My girlfriend became responsive again and even tried to dominate the kiss, so I let her to see what she would do. Her first move was to relieve me of my shirt, which was all well and good, but her hands scrambled with my pants, her hands chilly and shaking. I swept them away and did it for her before taking her hands in mine, breaking our kiss so I could blow on them to warm them up. Twilight watched on in silent rapture, the elation in her eyes and the desire on her face working together to make me certain that it was about to be a fun time, as long as she didn’t think my dong was better off in her nightstand or something.

I stepped out of my pants and unbuttoned Twilight’s skirt, letting it fall to the ground, coming closer so I could grab a handful of my sweet, sweet prize. She tensed up, of course, and that just made the experience that much better. “Purps, Bae. Follow my lead for a sec, okay?”

“That’s what I’ve been doing.” She rubbed my breasticles gently. “It’s worked out well so far- Eep!” I picked her up by her thighs and made sure that she knew how my lower half was feeling at the moment.

“It’ll get better here in a bit.” I craned my neck a bit and kissed Twilight’s temple since she was clinging onto me for dear life.

“... Most guys aren’t strong enough to carry a woman. A lot of women can’t carry a full grown woman.” Purps murmured.

“You feel pretty light to me, though that might be because of the extra balance I get from my third leg.” I boasted a little, looking around for a place to make a mess of Twilight.

She adjusted herself slightly and ended up grinding along my shaft, causing her to let out a mild moan of surprise before she started doing it more. “M-Maybe you could put me down for a moment?”

I let her down easy as I asked, “Why’s that?”

“W-Well, it’s traditional for an Arcadian woman to take care of her man’s needs before her own.” Twilight steepled her fingers, her eyes glued to my crotch.

“Is there somewhere for you to sit down here? I think I have something you might like.” I said, making a guess.

Twilight gave me a smile. “If you’d rather sit,” She waved a hand teleported a comfy looking chair in front of us, “then here we are.”

I gave her a smile in return. “You’re still following my lead, right?”

“Of course!”

I gestured toward the chair. “Have a seat.”

She gave me an odd look and started moving toward the chair, and when she sat down, she started looking worried as I knelt in front of her. “... Jay? You’re not going to swear an oath to me right now, are you?”

I put my hands on her knees and spread her legs, making her blush. “Hush, Purps. Unless it feels too good to keep to yourself or I’m hurting you, be like a donut and shh.”

“... Don’t donuts get eaten?” She asked as I pulled her dampened panties off. There was a string of nectar connecting the fabric and the treasure, so I collected the liquid on a finger and made sure that Twilight saw me stick it in my mouth.

“Pretend like you’re a person shaped lollipop and I’m a particularly odd person.” I hooked my arms under Twilight’s legs and lifted her off the seat a bit so I could get her into a better position.

“Eep! Jay, what are you doing besides staring at my stuff!?” Twilight cried.

I gave her clitoral hood a flick with my tongue and she made a noice noise of approval. “Let me work Terran Magic, yeah? Just relax, Purps.”

She watched on interestedly as I went back to square one and started were I should have in the first place. Twilight’s thighs weren’t shaven, but the sparse, fine hair didn’t bother me at all since I don’t really give a fuck about shaved legs. However, I was going to ask Twilight to do shave some of the growth around her lower lips so I would have easier access. I caressed her slightly fuzzy thighs because they felt nice and started planting kisses on the insides of them, alternating from side to side while glancing at Twilight. A musky scent filled the air, distinctly feminine, yet like someone had let grapes stay in the sun too long after they’d been picked. It wasn’t a bad smell by far, but it was a little odd that women from Arcadia had signature scents.

I decided to get a taste of Twilight for myself after I kissed my way down her thighs, to the goal I had in mind. I kept my kiss against her vertical lips kosher, not even slipping her any tongue, but it was still enough to make her gasp. “J-Jay? D-Do guys do this for girls on Earth?”

I teased her entrance wit my tongue for a moment before letting the tip collect the dew she’d created along her slit. “We do, but not all of us. I prefer giving to getting in this respect anyway.” With all the information I felt needed to be shared put on the air, I went back to what I was doing and reclaimed one of my arms to I could peel Twilight’s hood back so the real fun could start.

“J-Jay?” Twilight squeaked.

“Yes, Purps?” I asked, hoping she wasn’t about to blueball me.

“... It feels good. I thought I should let you know.” She said shyly, flipping the switch from the girl who stroked me in the shower less than a full hour ago.

I smiled and pinched her clit lightly, making her gasp, then moan. “It’ll get better. Trust me.”

I left my hand where it was and decided to get a good taste of Twilight directly from the source this time. I lapped up her dripping juices until my saliva was the main thing making her wet, then I let my tongue slip inside of her folds to collect more of her oddly sweet, somewhat tangy nectar. Purps gave me plenty of noises to let me know that I was doing well, and when I slipped my index finger inside of her, she was quite receptive. Tight, but receptive. I had to maneuver my other arm so that I could hold her clitoral hood back to further heighten the moment for her, but I misjudged Twilight’s stamina and she squirted in my face like the dam had burst and I was an unlucky town on lower land.

Her orgasm seemed adequate for my standards, seeing as how she said, “Fucking fuck! Oh my Heavens Jameson!”

I sat back on my heels and wiped the fluid from my eyes, licking my lips with the hopes that I didn’t just get R. Kelly’ed. It tasted like funky grape juice, so I asked, “Does that happen often, or am I special?”

Twilight hummed. “It’s happened once or twice.” She said blissfully.

“So I’m special.” I chuckled as I went to wipe my face off.

She stopped me with a lazy wave of her hand and leaned down to lick my entire face clean of her juices, which was weird and kinky, but in a good way. Twilight leaned back in her seat and raised her legs high before gently playing with herself in a way that I could easily see. “Does this turn you on, Sweetie?”

“I was turned on before we even got undressed.” I replied cheekily.

Twilight gave me a lascivious grin. “I’m yours. Tell me what you want me to do, and I’ll do it.”

I rose from the floor, my knees popping loudly since I borrowed them from a fifty year-old man at birth. “If your legs can hold you, stand up.”

She got up shakily, so I gave her a hand until she could balance on her own. Once she was good, I stripped my boxers off and unleashed Shifu Wang Lo.

Yeah, my dick is Chinese. I figured I’d add an extra inch to their average since both sets of my folks got it covered in the meat department compared to those poor bastards.

Anyway, I scooped Twilight p again, but since she was like, a hundred pounds soaking wet, and wet she was. It didn’t take Twilight long to produce more more of her Crystal version of fermented Grape Crush, if the slipperiness of her honeypot was anything to go by. TWilight didn’t hang on quite as tight this time as I hoped that the angle of my erection would allow me to guide her onto myself with few issues. It took a try or two, but I eventually got my tip pressed against her entrance, and second by second, I eased my way into her.

Once the tip was in, Twilight’s breathing hitched and picked up as she tried to ride me without any leverage. “Ja~ay! I’m not fragile! You can put it in however you want!”

I nibbled on her neck and gave it too her a little more quickly, but I was still sliding in with a little difficulty due to her tightness. “Easy does it, Twilight. Don’t wanna hurt you because we’re impatient.”

She bit my shoulder, though it was more like she opened her mouth and let her teeth rest on my flesh. It didn’t feel bad, but then Twilight actually bit down and started sucking, which kinda sucked, her sucking did. It was at that point I figured that bottoming out could wait for a second, A second passed, so I lifted her slightly before dropping her onto me, hilting her in one go. Twilight trembled hard and let out a low moan through her nose, but I hadn't felt her hymen break or anything, so I didn’t think I was hurting her.

I let her rest with my full length inside of her, m tip pressed against her cervix. “Does it hurt? Tell me-”

“I’m okay, you worry wort.” Twilight licked the spot she’d bitten like that would make it suck less. I didn’t miss the tightness in her voice, though she tried to keep it light. “I just feel so full with you inside of me.”

I started gently rocking in place, trusting into Twilight softly, earning more modest moans for my efforts. “I ain’t tryna rush this, Twilight. I want you to enjoy this as much as I am.”

“Mmm~ Keep doing that, just like that.” Twilight pleaded softly.

That told me that Twilight liked gentle, short strokes to get warmed up, so I gradually picked up the pace as she picked up more pleasure. It was clear that she was coming close to a climax all over again, but I had no idea how much time had passed and I wasn’t really all that close myself, but I stayed the path and gave Twilight some tender lovin’ until she wrapped her legs around me too tightly for me to move and tried to crush me as I held her. Twilight’s quivering walls felt wonderful on my rod, but it wasn’t enough for me to get off. I was, however, a little wary of Twilight trying to get me to impregnate her.

While Twilight was melting into me, I carried us over to the chair she’d conjured up and had a seat, forcing myself to calm down. When I was down to half mast, Twilight asked, “Jay? Did- Did you…?”

I couldn’t read her tone, so I replied truthfully. “No, and I’m not going to until we have some kind of protection. I’m steadily liking more of what I see from you, but having a kid scares me a lot.”

She breathed a heavy sigh of relief. “Oh thank the Heavens, I thought I was going to have to make a trip to Zecora’s for a second. I should’ve been thinking about how dangerous today was for something like this.”

I leaned back so I could look at Twilight. “Oh shit. If I was more sensitive, we’d be parents.”

“Not if I could help it.” Twilight scoffed. “I had to raise Spike before I was a Princess, and now that I am one, I doubt I’d be a decent Mom. You might make a decent Dad, but I’d be absent a lot.”

“I’m terrible with people under the age of twelve. I just… I don’t deal.”

Twilight kissed my nose. “Which is why I’m glad that you’ve got a lot of restraint, but now I’m sad that you didn’t reach a climax…”

“We have all night, Twilight.” I assured her.

Long story short because it was a bad night, Twilight gives it toothy, she does not own condoms, and my dick ached for release, so I had to settle for teaching Twilight's crazy ass how to give a decent blowjob. She was great with her tongue, she just forgot about her teeth too often and that stresses me out every time. Still busted a nut, but was the nut worth it? In hindsight, I should have asked Twilight if she had any lube.

Oh well.

Chapter Five: The Art of Dumb Shit

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Chapter Five: The Art of Dumb Shit

For some weird reason, I was actually able to fall asleep in Twilight’s bed after I got off, but it wasn’t restful sleep. Not by a fucking mile. I was feeling restless when I woke up, having only slept a couple of hours overall, and the fear that Twilight was going to flip her switch and come after me made me want to find somewhere safe to hide, but I didn’t think that I could hide from her even if she didn’t have magic. No, I was some kind of stuck with Twilight, but what could I do to make my situation an better? I couldn’t leave her because she’d already said that she would kidnap me, and I couldn’t kill her because that would end pretty badly, so I had to make myself deal with the danger without the comfort of my weapons.

I woke up before Twilight, surprised that I’d managed to get up before a Princess, who I assumed woke up early because fucking obvious reasons. My phone was in my bag downstairs, so I eased my way out of bed, headed down to the guest room, and learned something interesting about Arcadia and the internet, which was that it still worked for some odd reason. My phone was only half charged when I got ahold of it, but that was a lot better than it should have been since I’d left it alone for nearly a week. The first thing I did was go to my Spotify and play Yvette Young’s A Map, A Light, A String and relax for a little bit as her sugar sweet voice carried me away to bliss. Her acoustic stylings always made me feel better, but the song itself made feel feel that much further from my brother.

Twilight came around during the third time the song played back, but she came at the wrong moment. The ‘Siren Song’ verse was probably the most heart wrenching part of the song, evidenced by Twilight tearing up toward the end of the song. “... That was beautiful, but where is she?”

I sat up from the guest bed and looked at Twilight, who was standing in the doorway. “Yvette Young? Probably somewhere in Cali, I’d say.”

“Cali? She’s here in Arcadia?”

I gave Twilight a look. “What? No, Yvette Young is an artist from America.” I asked, stopping the song before it could repeat again since it was seven minutes long. “I just have a few of her songs on my phone.”

“What's a phone?” She asked.

I held up my LG G8. “A telecommunication and entertainment device. Ty and I are probably the only ones with phones on this planet.”

That seemed to pique Twilight’s interest plenty. “Maybe you could show me after breakfast and a bath? We don’t have to bathe together today, but if you want to…” She gave me a lustful look.

I considered it for a moment. “It would save time overall if we showered together. I’m down.”

“Down?”

“It sounds good to me. Are we eating first, or are we going to mess around and make Spike wait forever for breakfast?”

Twilight gave me a funny look. “Like most Arcadian women, I’m not exactly great at cooking, you know. Spike usually makes breakfast around here.”

“Looks like I’ll be giving him a hand then.” I said pleasantly.

“Oh, so you’re a man who likes to cook?”

“It’s a skill I picked up from Ty’s Mom, Momma Betty. My Moms can’t cook worth a friendly dog’s lick.”

“Can Ty cook too?”

“Yeah. He’s better at it than I am, plus he likes to do the cleaning and that type of shit around the house. I always told that dude that he’d make a good house husband since he fit the stereotype for a good house spouse like a correctly chambered bullet. He’s just slutty.”

“You can’t turn a Harem King into a House Husband.” Twilight chuckled. “Well, not unless you shackle him somehow. Most women ask for a baby if they’re not sure which one they have.”

“What, does a Harem King always say no?” I asked, mildly amused.

She scoffed. “Please. A Harem King will say yes every time. A House Husband always hesitates because they’ll be worried about messing up the good thing they have going with something as stressful as a baby. A Harem King will scrabble and run themselves ragged to take care of their several children so they don’t have to pay attention to the multitude of women they’ve promised their heart to.”

I shivered. “I don’t want to share my heart with too many people. It’s already making me feel weird that I slept with you before Applejack.”

There was a hard glint in Twilight’s eyes. “Do you regret it?”

“No, but it just feels odd. I’m so used to sticking with one woman at a time-”

“I’ll be sure to help you get used to sharing your heart with more than one other person, so don’t you worry about that, Sweetie.” Twilight said, crossing the room to come sit next to me. “If you think you’re falling for someone over someone else, then I can make you a potion that will make you feel the same way about the other person to. It’ll make you feel a little divided when it comes to who you want to spend the day with, but you could always leave it up to chance.”

“... It scares me more than you could ever know that you have the capability to make things that alter my emotions.”

Twilight held up her pinkie, so I hooked it with mine. “Jameson, I swear that I won’t hurt you or try to change you with magic. I might try to help you be nicer with your words since you can get really mean, but I’m not going to make you do anything unless you leave me high and dry. Cross my heart, hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye.”

“That’s a lot harsher in my world. It’s ‘Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.”

“Well, there’s a different version that Luna uses, but it’s ‘Hope to rend, stick a dagger in the end’. I don’t really get it, but she says it’s better than the nice version.”

“She’s talkin’ about puttin’ a knife up one’s butt for the price of a broken promise.”

“... Okay then. I think we should go help Spike with breakfast.”

“Sounds good to me.” It sounded better than talking about the thing some more, at least.

I ended up helping Spike make pancakes and eggs for breakfast. It was meager compared to the veritable feast that the Apple Family prepared every morning, but I couldn’t help but worry about whether or not Ty was getting fed too. I doubted that he would end up somewhere too bad, but I couldn’t stop worrying about my brother and even dropped a few conversations over breakfast because I kept getting lost in my head. Twilight asked me what was on my mind, so I told her that I was thinking about Ty and she told me to try to let him be for a little bit so I could finish my food and go get dressed for the day.

I grabbed some clothes and waited around for Twilight to do the same since we were do for a shower, and we took the shower together, but I was distracted for most of it. She got my attention by keeping her hands on me, but that just added to my overall discomfort, so I tried to swallow my feelings after the shower by smoking some of my herb to level out my nerves. Twilight didn’t partake, but she did express interest in studying weed’s effects, so I told her everything I knew about the stuff, which was pretty inclusive if I do say so myself. Shit wasn’t that hard to research back on Earth, so I spent plenty of time looking at weed just because I was curious about it.

With a good portion of our morning spent, Twilight offered to show me to the thing she’d bought for me, so we dragged Spike along with us into town and much to my pleasure, my shop wasn’t too close to the center of town, but it wasn’t at the edge of town either. It was nearby a seemingly residential neighborhood, so I figured that having customers close for whatever I wanted to sell or whatever Twilight was going to push me into doing would be good for business. The shop itself stood on the end of a chain of three shops with an alleyway behind the building, which I was hoping to use for experiments or something since I didn’t want to test some of the things I had in mind inside of a building.

The face of the store had a large plate glass window and something that looked like pedestals of differing types that would probably hold whatever I needed them to, but I was most likely going to end up doing some sort of custom work for the first few gadgets I was going to make. With any luck, I would have some way to make a basic battery so I could entertain people for a little bit. As that thought crossed my mind, Twilight came to a stop in front of the shop, so Spike and I stopped with her.

“This is it! There’s an apartment upstairs and a cellar downstairs, but this is your shop!” Twilight proclaimed proudly.

“I like it. I’m already feelin' the inspiration.” I replied calmly.

“You don’t sound all that excited.” Spike commented casually.

“I don’t really make a habit of getting too excitable.” I shrugged. “I’m very happy at the moment, though.”

Twilight smiled at me. “Wanna go inside?”

“Well, I was hopin' to get my hands dirty with some work today, so let’s.” I responded with a bit more inflection, though I felt more like shooting people in the foot until someone gave me my brother back.

Twilight lead the way in and I took a moment to survey my new thing. The dark, hardwood floors had some wear and tear on them from scuffs, scrapes, and water damage, but it gave it a homier feel than a new floor would have. The walls were all in pristine condition, but I thought that the bare beige coloration could do with a little livening up, so my first order of action was to start making sculptures to make the shop seem less dreary. With that lined up on my itinerary, I ignored Twilight and Spike for a moment as I walked around the main area of the shop, committing ever step to memory before I inspected the counter.

There was a secondary worktable on the shop’s side of the counter, and there were a few magical lights that illuminated the surface so that one could work and manage their business at the same time. Rather, I assumed that a lot of the tools on the secondary workbench were there for fine tuning, but when I examined them as a whole, there was one piece in the middle of the finer looking tools that seemed to be engraved. The tool had a spoon-like tip that was sharpened to a point, obviously making the tool some kind of scraping instrument. The tip itself was about a centimeter from the beginning of the bowl to the tip of the point, and the instrument itself looked like it was about five or six inches long at the handle. The neck of the tool was about three inches, which made me curious as to what it was made of since it looked like it had crystal, metal, and wood in the handle. The crystal and wood formed an unnatural looking seal that told me the device was probably magical as fuck, and the silver capped engravings seemed to speak to me in a way. I understood that they made the steel tip of the tool harder, but not what they really meant.

“Jay?” Twilight asked. “You’ve been staring at the workbench for a few minutes now.”

I walked over to it and grabbed the tool. “What is this?”

Twilight smiled. “It’s an Artificer’s Tool, or rather, an ATD if you want to use the correct terminology. Artifact Transconversion Device, in Common Arkaish.”

“It’s used to engrave runes, right?”

Spike cleared his throat and Twilight’s eyes lit up with excitement as he said, “Well, yeah, but you can use anything to engrave a rune. Ambient mana will eventually fill it, but an ATD means that you can charge the rune then and there instead of trying to take your thing to a Mana Well to set the thing. We all know Mana Wells might as well be an actual well for as much mana as the public ones have during the day.”

“Ah. So what, I just channel my magic into this thing and start engraving?” I asked.

“If you want to simplify it that much.” Twilight gave me an amused smile.

I shrugged. “I save the complicated things for schematics. Now, why do I have the feeling that this isn’t a common tool?”

My overly generous, loaded Princess girlfriend twirled a lock of her hair casually. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You have a better one in the back of the shop.”

“Twilight.” I said softly.

She pouted at me. “I just wanted to fill your shop with whatever tools you might need!”

“Thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you, but I’m pretty sure this little thing,” I held up the tool, “probably cost about as much as the shop.”

“Well, that one is a portable version, so it was a little expensive, but the other one wasn’t that bad.” Twilight said, starting to sound a bit nervous.

She was behind the counter with me since there was plenty of space, so I decided to stop putting pressure on her and flipped my genuine gratitude switch. “Again, thank you, but please don’t break the bank just to do something nice for me. You being your normal self makes me want a kiss, and kisses make me smile, and smiles make me happy. We’re back to kisses again, which is what I’m about to give you.” I followed through.

Twilight was smiling when I pulled away while Spike was groaning. “Can you guys just not? I mean, like, please?”

Twilight shot him a look. “If I give you a Prinny to go away, will you?”

I gave Twilight an odd look because I knew what a Prinny was, and while she may have been a Demon Queen of some kind, but she possessed no penguins. Spike, however, needed clarification. “I want a Looney.”

Purps looked outraged. “That’s highway robbery! I’ll give you a Twily.”

“Make it a Caddy and I’ll leave.”

“I’ll only give you ten Bits if you keep it up.”

“I’ll take that Twily now.” Spike said haughtily, like he didn’t just get haggled down. I wasn’t sure in the moment, but I now know that he’d asked for seventy five Bits with the Looney.

Twilight opened her purse and gave him a familiar coin. “I’ll know if you try to buy wine again, so stop being dumb and just go ask Fluttershy like you think I don’t know you do. She’ll buy it as long as you promise not to tell me.”

Spike stared at her, his cheeks bright red. “Uh…”

I was pretty amused as Twilight patted his shoulder. “You should know better than to do dirt around Magiville, Spike. It always gets around to me eventually.”

“Duuude.” He groaned piteously.

“Damn. Life sucks.” I said disinterestedly.

Spike shot me a dark look. “You know you’re practically inviting her to spy on everything you do, right?”

“You don’t know my mother. She took the door off of every room in the house except for hers and the front door one month because she thought I was doing something I wasn’t supposed to be doing. She was wrong, but I’m not used to personal privacy.” I said drily.

He winced. “Ooh, okay. Maybe it’s not that bad, but Twilight’s not afraid to hit you with a truth spell.”

I looked at her and she shrugged. “Don’t lie to me.”

“I detest magic being used to steal information from someone that they don’t want to share. Nicey-nice interrogation techniques are still-”

“Say you cheat on Applejack and I with a man.” Twilight interrupted, irritating me a bit. “We ask you where you went for the night and you lie to us. Now, Applejack already knows your lying, and she’s not happy about it. Applejack tells me that you’re lying and I’m not happy about it. You have a Princess and the next Matriarch of Equestria’s biggest family mad at you. Your choice lies between a truth spell, or disappearing for however long we want you to because no one can say anything to us other than the Princesses. You get what I’m getting at here, Sweetie?”

“... We’re clear.” I replied.

Twilight beamed and gave me a hug. I glanced at Spike and he was giving me a look like he knew exactly what my shoes felt like. “Good! Now, do you want to explore the rest of your shop, or do you want me to come up with more examples about things you shouldn’t lie about?”

“You guys should do some exploring.” Spike said, his voice dripping with sympathy. “If the noises I heard coming from the basement are anything to go by, then you’ll be meeting your neighbors soon enough.”

Twilight colored. “March! Take your hiney somewhere before I teleport you to the lake!”

“Don’t need to tell me twice.” Spike backtalked easily as he started strolling out of the store.

When he was gone, Twilight lead me to the back of the shop and I was immediately in Heaven. There was a drill press, a weird looking CNC table, a table saw; pretty much anything you’d need for just about any project. Every inch of the space was either dedicated to storage or workspace, and there was even a schematics table with a magical light to help with making new shit, and the door to the back alley was clear of debris, so I didn't feel like I was going to die in a fire or anything. I rather wanted to check out the dual wall-shelf of books that Twilight had put in place for me, but I didn’t have the time for it as of the moment. We heard the front door open while Twilight was walking me through some of the basic tools and materials I had on hand, so we went back to the front of the shop and saw Applejack and Fluttershy at the counter.

“Applejack! Fluttershy! It’s good to see you two!” Twilight exclaimed.

Applejack tipped her hat while Fluttershy said a muted, “Hello. It’s nice to see you too.”

“All three of my favorite Arcadians in one spot? Maybe there’s a fierce foursome in my future.” I chuckled.

AJ gave me an odd look. “We got a circle of six girls. There aren’t many little cliques with fewer people than us to be honest with ya.”

“Six on one? Is the other half of this little cadre as attractive as you three, or am I lookin’ at the creme de la creme?” I flirted shamelessly.

Applejack and Fluttershy shared a look, then I realized that they were also looking at Twilight. Twilight turned to me and asked, “Are you trying to expand your harem?”

I bit my lip. “Well, everyone I want is in this room. If you don’t want to let me try and woo Fluttershy, then that’s okay too. I’m just gonna be disappointed.”

Twilight gave me an odd look, one that was hard to read. “Are there any other women you want to add at the moment?”

“No. I prefer to keep my dealings to people I have good feelings about.” Though I’d been hella wrong with Twilight. Still, Fluttershy’s eyes were more honest than Twilight’s.

“Don’t a think it’s an odd coincidence that you’re goin’ after the first three women ya met?” Applejack asked. “I mean, a normal person would play the field at least a little.”

“Is this not the dating phase, just with multiple partners?” I inquired.

Applejack’s eyes flickered between me and Twilight. “Well, yeah, but why us?”

“I’ll give each of you a quick synopsis: Applejack? You’re loyal, tough and toned. Twilight? You’re devoted, sweet, and the perfect cuddle buddy. Fluttershy? You’re my type to the ‘T’. you dotted the ‘I’s while you were at it, and I want to snuggle your face. Is that good enough?”

“So I’m not your type?” Twilight asked quietly, her voice tinged with frost and madness.

Oh shit.

An Ass Wrecker Approaches.

]My heart leapt into my throat when I saw a pissed off, demonic-looking fanged Pegasus in Twilight’s eyes. Her pupils had changed into a flat bar across her irises, and I’m deadass serious when I say that I saw her spirit animal and I almost fucking pissed myself. “... Why would I be with you if you didn’t have characteristics that I like?” I asked slowly, trying not to let my voice tremble.

Twilight glared at me. “You might just want me for my power.”

“I didn’t know you were a Princess before you arrested Ty.” I replied honestly. “I was interested in the cute little nerd with a fantastic ass and a house full of books.”

She glared harder. “I’m not little.”

My fear threatened to push the contents of my stomach and my stomach itself out of me, but I swallowed it for a single boop. “You’re a smol Pwincess wif Pwincess pudding.”

Sleipnir or what-the-fuck-ever was in Twilight’s eyes receded and her pupils started going back to normal as her cheeks pinked slightly. “What’s Princess pudding?”

“I dunno, but in your case I bet it has raisins.”

Fluttershy giggled at that. “Princess pudding.”

Applejack ran a hand through her hair. “Hey Twi, ya mind if I steal Jay for a little bit?”

Twilight pouted. “I guess not. You won’t let him get hurt, right?”

“I can take care of myself for the most part, Twilight.” I said soothingly.

“You’re an untrained Medeis in a Mundusian town. It’s not exactly the best place for you to be, even in a town as relaxed about the Paths as Magiville.” Twilight said.

“She’s right. Some woman gettin’ more than a little handsy with ya could have some pretty rough consequences.” Applejack said, adding in her two cents.

“Then why’d you send me through town alone when you asked me to do the repairs around town?” I asked irritably.

She raised a brow. “Didn’t I tell ya that I was tired from swinging a mallet all day? There ain’t too many women left in town who don’t know that touchin’ you the wrong way gets taken care of off the record.”

I looked at Fluttershy. “Are all your friends dangerous? Like, menacin’ an entire town level dangerous?”

The pink haired, soft-spoken, angelic woman had the gall to give me a questioning look. “B-But Applejack says you’re dangerous too…?”

“Well, I’m considerably less dangerous without my folkey poker and my kiss deliverer.” I grumbled, giving Applejack a shitty look.

The blonde twat gave it right back to me. “I ain’t lettin’ ya loose with a sketchy knife and a weird thing. Ain’t nobody touchin’ either-”

I rolled my eyes to the maximum level of dissin’ bitches. “I’ll be your Deputy.”

“Wait, what? No one told me about this? Seriously?” Twilight asked, glaring at Applejack and I in turn.

“It’s your thought baby, you come up with somethin’.” I tossed the ball into Applejack’s court.

She gave me a quick look for leaving her out to dry, but soldiered on nonetheless. “Twilight, I didn’t tell ya ‘cause it wasn’t necessary. I would just take him on as a consultant or something’, but if I make Jay my Deputy, he can protect himself around town in a perfectly legal way, right? I mean, am I wrong in thinkin’ that havin’ a bow without a string is just wastin’ wood?”

“I love being compared to wood. Makes me feel like an antique of value.” I commented.

Twilight shot me a look that lacked the fire of actual anger. “Hush. Men are to be seen, not heard.”

I took that as a challenge. “Actions do speak louder than words.” Twilight gave me an odd look as I came to stand behind her, craning her neck to look up at me.

I looked at Applejack and she was giving me a deadly look, so I winked at her and turned to Fluttershy who was watching with apprehension. None of them were expecting me to seize Twilight, throw her over my shoulder, and give her two quick spanks. “Hey! Put me down, you absolute butthead!” Twilight cried.

I swung her around so I was holding her Princess style. “Don’t mess with people who can spank you on a whim.”

Twilight pouted at me. “I can spank you too, but I just don’t think it’s very nice!”

“It’s nice for me.” I gave her a dopey grin.

“Alright, Sugar. Put Twilight down nice an’ easy before ya let her get used to it.” Applejack said teasingly.

I pretended to drop Twilight and she clung to my neck for dear life, which was cute, but painful since she was a little bony barring her thighs and ass. I let Twilight down gently, but she pouted so hard that I had to give her an apology kiss. “I’m sorry, Purps, but that wasn’t a very nice thing to say.”

“What? People say that men shouldn’t be heard all the time.” Twilight said irritably.

Applejack coughed. “Different planet.”

Purps blushed. “Oh. I keep forgetting that you’re more like an Arcadian woman, you just happen to be masculine and a guy… You just don’t fit the gender roles, I guess.”

I patted her head patronizingly. “It’s okay. You’re too cute to have to think too hard.”

She gave me a weird look. “I’m… I’m not sure how to take that.”

Fluttershy cleared her throat. “I think it was a compliment.”

“Oh. Was it?” Twilight asked me directly.

“Yes.” I answered because it was. Granted, it was a backhanded compliment, but still.

“Was it a barbed compliment?” Applejack asked flatly.

I frowned. “I wouldn’t call a compliment that. It would defeat the point of complimenting.”

“You’re full of shit, but I still wanna talk to ya for a sec. Mind if we step outside?” Applejack asked.

“Sure thing, let me just get my testicles back from Twilight.” I held my hand out to the woman in question.

She put a coin in my hand. “Go get me some chocolate while you’re out, please?”

I looked at Applejack. “Apparently she’s keeping them. Let’s go to the candy shop.”

“You don’t have ta do that, ya know.” AJ informed needlessly.

I tilted my head at her. “It’s free brownie points at the moment. I won’t do it every time.”

“Well if you’re just doing it so I’ll like you more, then it doesn’t really seem like you’re doing it for the right reason.” Twilight huffed.

Everyone stared at her, but Fluttershy was the one who asked, “... Why else would he do it?”

Purps didn’t even need to think about it. “Love.”

“... Ya’ve known each other less than a full week, Twilight. Actually, today makes it a week. Ya can’t be that attached to Jay already.” Applejack said worriedly.

Twilight raised her chin at Applejack and marched around the counter to face her toe-to-toe. “Maybe Jay and I have something special?”

“Maybe Jay should sleep here tonight.” Applejack said softly, her voice carrying a certain quality to it that I couldn’t quite place.

Twilight’s face fell and she looked like she wanted to cry. “But-”

“No buts, Sweetheart. You’re in too deep, and even if Jay isn’t the type to ask ya to abuse your power, dontcha think it’d be for the best to take a step back and let the fella breathe a little? I ain’t tryin’ ta steal from ya for a night. I just think he might need some time to himself.” Applejack reasoned.

“I-I like being alone sometimes.” Fluttershy said softly.

“So do I, but I’m mostly just going to be reading and figuring out how to make a thing tonight. I don’t think anyone will be able to get much out of me past the tunnel vision.” I added.

Twilight gave me a sad look. “You don’t want to share a bed again tonight? I know you didn’t stay all night, but it wasn’t that bad, was it?”

I gave her a genuine smile, conjured up from the memory of her ass in my hands. “It’s something I look forward to doing again, but I’ve been a bachelor awhile. It’ll take a little getting used to.”

Twilight took a step toward me, but Applejack caught her, and the look of betrayal on the smaller woman’s face was actually rather heartbreaking. I didn’t like that, but making a move was going to give Twilight hope that I was as obsessed with her as she was me, and that shit just wasn’t true. I did, however, have a bone to throw her.

“I’ll see you after my walk with Applejack, Purps. Long enough to say goodnight, at least.” I gave her a pleasant smile.

She seemed to perk up a bit at that. “Promise?”

I frowned. “I don’t like making promises that I don’t know if I can keep. For all I know I could get kidnapped and that would mean I’d be breaking my promise, which means-”

“Just promise her.” Applejack interrupted.

I gave the cowgirl a dark look for interrupting me and looked over to Twilight. “I promise I’ll come over to say goodnight, even if I have to climb through a window or something.”

“Or I could leave the door unlocked.” Twilight said, hammering me with patronization.

“I’ll spank you again, but this time it’ll be kinky.” I warned.

I received looks for my words and Applejack sighed. “Come on, weirdo. We got a walk to take.”

“U-Um…?” Fluttershy said softly.

I looked at her, but Applejack was already walking toward the door. “Yes, Fluttershy?”

“Wh-What about-”

“Jay, are ya comin’?” Applejack asked, looking back from the door.

“Talking to Fluttershy.” I replied before looking back to the pink-haired woman. “You were saying, Flutters?”

“... Y-You said you wanted to claim me too…” She murmured.

“Am I allowed to do that? Should I ask Twilight and Applejack if it’s okay first?” I questioned.

“W-Well…” Fluttershy wouldn’t meet my eyes and looked at the ground.

I walked around the counter and took her hands in mine for a bit. “Hey, ya ain’t gotta answer now. I know it’s kind of a bombshell, but I’d like to be able to call you more than a friend.”

When she didn’t answer, I felt the desire to hold her chin still so I could kiss her cheek. I let her go and gave her a gentle smile, but she grabbed my hand as I went out walk away and asked, “... D-Do you think I’m pretty?”

I gave her an incredulous look and she nearly broke down into tears before I said, “What the fuck kinda question is that? If I had a little less self restraint, and I mean like, you scrape a little bit off and it’s over, I would be tryna lick the back of your throat. On Max, forreal, like, I find you highly desirable.”

The room was pin-drop silent for a minute, so I asked, “What? Was the switch in vernacular weird?”

“... Ain’t no one bein’ mean here, and I really do mean that I’m just bein’ honest, but Fluttershy usually doesn’t catch a second look.” Applejack said slowly.

I gave her my most fucked up look that I could conjure because Fluttershy was seriously a straight nine point fucking nine repeating. If she had dark blue eyes, she’d be a perfect ten. “... Are you- Bitch, the fuck? Yo, no offense to y’all, Twilight, AJ, but Fluttershy caught me an’ Ty first. We was about to fist-fight over her since bitch that bad, like, bruh. How do y’all not see this!?” I gestured towards the beauty that was Fluttershy.

Applejack looked at me like I was crazy, but Fluttershy tapped my shoulder, a watery smile on her face. “Do… Do you really m-mean that?”

I snapped and located Twilight. “Ay, this is like, the one time Imma be cool with a truth spell. Like, put that shit on passive mode and let me ramble for a sec, aight?”

Twilight gave me an odd look before snapping her fingers. “Done, I guess.”

I looked at Fluttershy. “When I left Earth, your figure and body-type were considered the pinnacle of what womanly beauty was, though the dogs who like women who don’t know how to eat would say you’re not thin enough. Me?” I put my hands on her hips and gave her a warm smile. “I don’t feel like I have to worry about you starving yourself to make someone else happy, or that you’re more concerned with being what other people consider beautiful rather than what beauty means to you.”

“Ya don’t like your women with muscle?” Applejack asked incredulously. “I thought that was the one thing you had in common with Arcadian guys!”

I gave her a funny look. “I appreciate the hard work and dedication it takes to get a physique like yours, but Fluttershy is supple, yet firm. Soft and slightly pliable, but she still has the muscle underneath to get the job done. Her physique is perfect for snuggling.”

“I thought I was your cuddle buddy!?” Twilight cried.

“You are my cuddle buddy. Cuddles and snuggles are entirely different things.” I sniffed haughtily.

“How’s that?” Applejack asked, forgetting about our walk.

“Cuddles includes just being close. You don’t even have to be touching each other that much to be cuddling. When you cuddle, you can read and other stuff like that, but when you snuggle, your attention is on snuggling. Cuddling can turn into snuggling when gentle petting and stuff like that gets introduced, but then it usually turns to sex in my experience.” I lectured.

“Eep!” Fluttershy squeaked adorably.

Twilight blushed. “So I’m not allowed to have snuggles?”

“Oh, you’d be hard pressed to not get snuggles. You might be my cuddle buddy, but snuggles are never off limits.” I replied.

“So what am I?” Applejack asked, amused.

“The first wife that keeps my head out of my ass.” I said wryly.

She accepted it readily. “Yeah, that’s perfect. I like it.”

“I was being sarcastic, but okay.”

“I’d keep your sarcasm to a minimum if ya ever want some from me.” Applejack warned.

I pointed at Twilight. “Granny might cook better than Spike, but her house has books.”

“... Ya really just ain’t that into sex, are ya?”

Twilight giggled. “Maybe not with you.”

Applejack raised her brows and gave me a surprised look. “Well, well, well.”

I nodded. “She was dropping hints about it for awhile, so I figured that she wanted it.”

“... Ya shouldn’t have said that.” Applejack sighed.

I looked at Twilight and her face was flat, her arms crossed. “What do you mean by that, Jay?”

I tilted my head at her. “I don’t get much pleasure from sex, but I hoped that you would. I thought it would be a good way to bond with you.”

Applejack blinked rapidly, so I looked back to Twilight to find that she was smiling and that I wasn’t about to die. “Aww, that’s really sweet, but if you don’t like having intercourse, then I can live without it.”

“But why would you? I do enjoy it, just not as much as most people. I have a feeling that I would miss it a little less than you would.”

“It was pretty good.” Twilight sighed, smiling.

“Go take a cold shower.” Applejack said tersely.

Twilight blinked. “I should have the house to myself…”

“C-Can I t-talk to Jay some more?” Fluttershy asked softly, reaching for my hand.

I let her have it and met her halfway. “What’s on your mind, Fluttercup?”

She cracked a small smile. “... You don’t think I’m fat?”

I made her let go of my hand so I could pick her up and put her back down. She had to be about a hundred and eighty or so pounds, but I couldn’t pin it down beyond that rough estimate. “I might not be able to wing you around like I can Twilight, but I’m sure I could take you with me wherever I wanted to go.”

She giggled some more at that and I heard Twilight and Applejack start whispering as Fluttershy brushed her hair out of her face. “Y-You’re pretty strong for a guy…”

“I’d say I’m above average back on Earth, but that’s because Ty made me go to the gym with him regularly. He never had to do cardio, so I ended up getting bulky and chubby.” I chuckled.

Fluttershy frowned and place her hands on my stomach. “You’re not chubby, you’ve just got a little extra warmth for winter!”

I let my hands rest on her shoulders since contact seemed to be a good way to get her to ease up. “Well, if you let me claim you, then I can trim that little bit of blubber off and just hold you close to keep warm.”

She gave me a bashful smile. “I-I could make cocoa too…”

“I’ll bring the marshmallows and chocolate if you actually make the cocoa.”

“I-I’d like that…” She looked down.

I tilted her chin upwards and gave her a kiss since I’d wanted to do it since I’d met her. I kept it brief, but I let my lips linger on her for just a moment longer than necessary. I can still remember the taste of her raspberry lip gloss and the slight scent of Kahlua, though I thought I might have been having a stroke. “I like you. I look forward to getting to know you better, Flutters.”

She swooned and I caught before she could fall, but when I looked at Applejack and Twilight for help, they were both just looking at me like I’d slipped lemons in their oranges. I lowered Fluttershy to the floor and propped her up against my chest while I was kneeling since hardwood floors suck. “... Can a brother get a hand over here?”

“Give her a minute.” Twilight said, her voice unreadable.

I gave her a minute and Fluttershy stirred. “Oh my… I just had the craziest dream.”

“Did it involve getting kissed?” I asked casually.

Fluttershy turned in my arms and placed her hand on my knee. When our eyes met, she gave me a wide smile unlike every other one I’d gotten from her and I couldn't help but notice that her canine teeth looked awful sharp. I looked back into her eyes and the red irises made me wonder why I kept picking dangerous women to try and put my dick inside of. Like, I passed up on Strats, who seemed normal, and Belle was pleasant, but then again, all three of the women in the room had fucking seemed normal before I got with them.

“... Hey there, Flutters.” I said, trying not to let my anxiety show.

“Oh, hello, Lover Boy.” She purred. “Give Momma another one of those kisses, will you?”

I glanced at Applejack and Twilight, but they were just watching on passively like it didn’t affect them in the slightest. They knew exactly what was going on and were trying to see how I would handle it. I shrugged and gave Fluttershy her kiss, intending on giving it a few seconds before pulling away, but Fluttershy caught me as I tried to pull back and increased the fervor behind her end of the kiss. I let her go on for a little while longer before I tried to pull away again, but Fluttershy held firm. That worried me a bit, so I tried gently pushing her away and she sighed into my mouth before finally letting me go.

She gave me a frustrated look. “Let a girl enjoy a kiss, will you.”

I was panting slightly. “Gotta breathe sometime.”

Fluttershy smiled again and licked one of her fangs, but Applejack stepped in and put a hand on her shoulder. “He gets it, Shy.”

“I don’t think he does. I think he’s trying to swallow his fear.” Fluttershy chuckled.

“Vampire. Definitely just claimed a Vampire.” I muttered.

The red-eyed woman gave me a smirk as she stood. “It’s not too late to back out.”

I stayed on the ground. “Yeah, it’s not.”

No one said anything for a moment as I stared intently at Fluttershy until she extended a helping hand. I took it and got up under my own power, but I wanted her to know that I wasn’t that afraid of her. Should I have been? Yes. Was I? Nah. Twilight was way scarier. “I’m guessing that’s your way of saying that you’re in for the pound.” She said, amused.

“Fool me one time, shame on you. Fool me two times, shame on me. Fool me three times, fuck the peace signs. Y’all dangerous. All three a’ y’all hella more dangerous than I am individually, so what am I supposed to do? If I tell y’all to go packin’, I might be losin’ out on three of the best women Arcadia as to offer. If I don’t, I might end up dead.” I chuckled as I rubbed my forehead.

“Pretty much.” Fluttershy confirmed. “I wouldn’t worry about how dangerous we are, though. Keep me fed up with kisses and I’ll be happy.”

“Come around and do somethin’ and we’ll have a good time.” Applejack added.

“I just wanna read and snuggle.” Twilight said happily.

“Right. That’s cool. So what should I avoid doing?”

“Adding more women to your harem.” The three of them chorused.

“So don’t sleep around. Not hard.” I said.

“I’d avoid gettin’ too close to anyone too ‘friendly’.” Applejack advised. “They might not be there the next time you go lookin’ for ‘em.”

“Okay. Anything else?”

“If I were you, I’d avoid pissing Flutters off. I’m bad enough, but Flutters is a whole ‘nother beast.” Fluttershy said, confusing the shit out of me.

“What?” I asked eloquently.

“I’m Shy. Fluttershy’s Vampire persona, I guess.” She said lazily.

“Alright, that’s weird but cool. If I have sex with you, does Flutters feel it?”

“Yup. She didn’t have the courage to take her cherry, so you’re gonna have to do it.” Shy smirked.

I winced. “I’ve never been with a virgin.”

Applejack coughed. “Well, technically Twilight was a virgin too, she just popped her cherry with me and some of our other friends.”

“That sounds like the hottest circle I wouldn’t want to be a part of.” I said loftily.

“Well it fuckin’ hurt, so yeah.” Applejack said drily. “Main reason I’m not excited to try a man.”

I tilted my head at her. “What did you do, just ram the thing in?”

“... Was I not supposed to?”

I gave her a fucked up look. “Who told you that you were supposed to? You’ve gotta give yourself time to get warmed up, like, get wet. Did you even lubricate whatever the thing was?”

Applejack stared at me. “You’re way over my head here, Sugar.”

I looked at Twilight and Fluttershy. “Please don’t tell me that you two were under the same impression she was.”

Twilight tugged at her collar. “Well…”

“Flutters keeps it to the weird little nub thing because-” Shy stopped mid-sentence, closing her eyes tightly before opening them to reveal that nice moderate cyan. “I-Ignore that!”

“We’re ignoring that, but do y’all actually get off when it’s time to take care of or desires? Like, you know how to make yourself orgasm, right?” I asked.

Fluttershy lifted her hand slightly and put it down without a word. “Alright, so Imma learn y’all how to get off and you’ll probably dump me, but at least I’ll be doing the world a service.”

“Why would we dump ya for doin’ us a favor?” Applejack asked, confused.

“Why would you need me and my meat when you have your own two hands?”

Twilight scoffed. “Trust me, you’re not getting rid of me that easily.”

Applejack just shook her head. “Ya laude me for bein’ loyal, then turn around and say that I’m only with ya for your pecker. Make up your mind.”

“Maybe you’re loyal to my pecker?” I teased.

She gave me a look. “Are ya done extendin’ the conversation?”

“I guess, but isn’t that how conversations are supposed to go?”

“We were supposed to take a walk forever and a half ago.” Applejack reminded.

“Ah, yeah. Forgot about that.” I said, rubbing my face.

She rolled her eyes and exited the store, so I gave Twilight and Fluttershy some kisses before joining her outside. Applejack didn’t say anything as we started walking, and when I asked about why we were going on a walk, she didn’t say anything until we actually got out of town. “Alright, Sugar. Are ya listenin’?”

“You’ve got my full attention, AJ.” I replied readily.

She nodded as we started heading down the dirt road to the farm. “You already know that you’re in some deep shit right now, right?”

“Neck deep sounds like a trip at the spa right now.” I said ruefully.

“Exactly. Now, I can protect ya, Jameson. Twilight always listens to me, and Fluttershy knows that Shy ain’t tough enough to take me, so I’ll watch over ya, but I need ya to watch your words around Twilight. I don’t know how ya managed, but I’ve seen her give people looks like the ones she was givin’ you before and they didn’t make it. They died real ugly, Jay, and I don’t think ya deserve that.”

“I can keep Twilight’s head on, but I don’t know how much longer that’s gonna last, AJ. Things that are common from my world are offensive here, and things that would get a sucker socked seem substantially less severe. I only know that I’ve fucked up when I see it in her eyes or hear it in her voice.”

“... You lasted a whole day a’ gettin’ looks like those and she didn’t hurt you?” Applejack asked breathlessly.

“She Pinkie Promised that she wouldn’t hurt me. Kidnapping is a possibility, but hurting is somethin' she swore against… That does mean somethin', right?”

She chuckled and clapped me on the shoulder. “It means that ya’ve got a fightin’ chance now, Jay. Ya done shoveled the shit and found a nugget of gold.”

I breathed a sigh of relief. “Alright, so Twilight not going to kill me, but I think she might go after Ty.”

“I don’t wanna protect that guy to be honest with ya. Mac likes him plenty, but somethin’ about Ty rubs me the wrong way.” Applejack muttered.

“Is the fact that after the first day, he didn’t really say anything to you?”

“... Well, yeah, that’s a part of it.” She confessed.

“Applejack, Ty’s keeping his distance from you so you don’t fall for him and ruin what we have. It’s happened to us before. I find a nice girl who seems like she’ll be a good woman, then she turns out to have been gunning for Ty the whole time. Rinse and repeat a few times and I stop dating for a year and some change.”

Applejack seemed confused. “I done told ya that this was a Femajority town, Jay.”

“... And?” I asked, not getting her point.

“One woman can’t claim two guys. If it actually sticks, that woman’s gettin’ jumped and probably shaved. I might be a bit of a special case on that one, but that’s besides the point. I’d rather be with you than with your womanizin’ brother any day, Jay.”

I gave her a sad smile. “I believe you, but I’ve heard it before. Believed it before, too. Comin’ from you, though… Kinda makes it mean more than having it come from someone else, y’know?”

“Is it the honesty thing?” Applejack asked, Sweet Apple Acres coming into sight.

“Nah, it’s more like you’re just dependable. Like, I feel like I can come to you with anything and you’ll snatch it out of my hands so you can take care of it yourself.” I chuckled.

“You make that sound like a bad thing.” She huffed playfully.

I dropped the chuckle. “It is. If I come to you with a problem, I want your assistance, not for you to handle business while I sit back and do a whole lotta nothin’.”

“Nope, definitely not Arcadian.” Applejack looked at me, so I looked at her and saw that she was giving me a warm smile. “Ya know, you’re a weird one. Most guys woulda pounced at joinin’ the Apple Family, especially since it’s me who’s up for grabs. Havin’ the next-in-line be the provider is a special place to be holdin’, but you probably intend on makin’ somethin’ out of that little shop, don’t you?”

“Yeah. Applejack, you know why I’m with you, but why are you with me? What do you get out of bein' with me?” I asked.

She looked ahead and snorted. “So far? All I’m gettin’ is a headache from dealin’ with the bullshit you keep invitin’ onto yourself.”

I gave her a look. “And look who asked me to be Deputy.”

AJ scoffed. “Please. You’ll be a Deputy by name only until I need your help with gettin’ info out of someone the old fashioned way.”

I took my glasses off and rubbed my eyes. “Fuckin’ butts, never thought I’d be on this side of the law. Man, Ty’s gonna flip when he gets back.”

“Ya don’t gotta tell him, but while we’re on the topics of things tell Ty, tell ’im to move into your new place. That boy got some stinky feet.” She made a face.

“I fuckin’ know, Applejack. I’ve dealt with it for the past thirteen years.” I grumbled.

“... Look, Jay-”

“Don’t waste your breath.” I advised.

“He’s gonna get ya into more trouble. He ain’t even a bad apple, Jay, he's just… He doesn't think about the consequences, and who knows what they'll be like next time.”

“I just gotta keep a cool head next time. I got sloppy ‘cause I was scared, but I’ve officially got some of the scariest, finest, women around to have my back. Now I just gotta get Ty to play nice after I explain the situation to him.” We passed the entrance and strolled on down the path for a while silently.

When we got to the farmhouse, I tried to open the door for Applejack, but she put a hand on my chest and gently pushed me away with a look of irritation on her face. She opened the door for me and I gave her a look. “I was closer.”

“I’m the woman. Now walk, Buster.”

“Bust dat ass, keep this shit up.” I grunted, walking through the graciously offered
opening.

“If ya wanna wrestle, we can wrestle. I betcha I win.” Applejack said confidently.

I stopped mid-step and turned with my head first, then with my torso. “You tryna go,
Blondie?”

Applejack raised her brows. “Blondie? Oh Sugar, get that rear out here. We’re takin’ this to the grass.”

I swiveled my hips and gave her a kiss on the forehead as I passed her on the way back out. “I’m about to wreck you so bad, Granny’s gonna have to let you sleep in her bed tonight.”

“I’m about to hand your ass to ya, Jay. Ten time wrestlin’ champ at the Tri-County fair.” She boasted.

I smirked at her. “Three year running division champ in High School and current top seed in my division at Forrester.”

Applejack laughed at me. “Sugar, I topped dozens of-”

I cracked the fuck up. “Dozens? Blondie, Daddy’s stepped on hundreds.”

“What the fuck.” Applejack said, stopping abruptly.

I stopped with her. “Yeah, hundreds of hopefuls try and get into the championship meets. I don’t beat them all individually, but I beat the guys who beat those guys.”

She just gave me a confused look. “How many people are there in your town?”

“Little under two hundred thousand-”

“What!?” Applejack shouted. “Jay, there ain’t that many people in the next five towns put together!”

I nodded. “Yeah, I had a feeling that the population was smaller since Magiville is so small, but has such a decent array of crap in the market.”
Applejack took her hat off and ran her hand through her hair. “How many people were in your country again?”

“‘Bout three hundred million, give or take twenty on the high side.”

Her jaw dropped. “... Damn. That’s… That’s a lotta people.” She said numbly.

“Yup. All different kinds too, but we were about to wrestle, right? You were about to get whooped by a Medeis?”

Applejack shook her head and dropped into a crouch. “Fine. Ya wanna get laid out, come get laid out.”

I charged her without further ado, but instead of shooting for a double leg takedown, I took advantage of her wide stance and went for a slide. She (predictably) closed her legs to try and catch me, but while she was try to get her knees in position, I slammed my hands into the backs of them and made her crumple. Like I’d done during in one of my debut tourneys, I followed up by sitting up. With Applejack on my legs and she herself trying to scramble to her feet, I grabbed her right ankle and threw it over my head so I had both of her legs under one arm. I had a feeling that putting her in a Boston Crab or something like that would end poorly, so I rolled us over and sat on Applejack’s butt for a second to keep her down while I thought of how to pin her.

Then she did a push-up that forced me to my feet.

Applejack swept my right foot out from underneath me, so I hopped with my left foot to get away from her and get my balance back. She got up and beckoned me closer, taunting me with a certain finger, so I closed the distance, but she sprung like a trap and bear-hugged me. I felt my back pop multiple times, heard the air be forced out of my lungs, and saw the black spots that accompany suffocation. My captor dropped me unceremoniously and straddled me, putting her knees on my shoulders to stop me from getting back up.

“Almost made me get serious there for sec. Good job, Sugar.” Applejack patted my cheek patronizingly.

“We’re doing-” I breathed. “Anal first.”

“I dunno what that is.” Applejack said disinterestedly.

“You will.” I panted.

“...You still out of breath?” She asked after a few moments.

“Sitting on my chest.” I wheezed.

“Oh.” She hopped off and I got my first lungful of sweet, sweet oxygen, and it tasted so good. “Guess I coulda got off after the three count.”

I gave her a look. “I’m stealing your panties and putting them on windows all over town. Every skidmark: out there for the world to see.”

Applejack coloured. “I don’t leave skidmarks!”

“You’re a shitty liar.” I punned, making the desire to shoot myself grow.

She got back on top of me, but she sat on my hips this time and pinned my arms over my head. I let her do it because why not? “You know I’m tellin’ the truth!”

“I know nussing.” I memed. The classics always had the best ring to them.

Applejack licked my face, which was gross. “I’ll keep lickin’ until ya admit it!”

“Fine, fine. Let me check the ones you’re wearing.” I teased.

She licked my nose next and that was super gross. “Gotta go into my room anyway to get your stuff. Oh yeah, you know that knife a’ yours is haunted ta Tartarus, right?”

“Only reason I didn’t come back and get it yesterday was because Twilight said you’d be safe with it.”

Applejack let me up and even gave me a hoist. “Woulda gone bad for ya, specially comin’ in alone.”

“I sneak better than I fight to be honest with you. I usually end up fighting, but it’s not always the case.”

“If that's the case, then ya ain’t that good at sneakin’.” Applejack replied, keeping ahold of my hand as we started back toward the farmhouse.

“Who do you think I sneak with?” I asked blandly.

“Point taken. Seriously, how has that boy not gotten you killed yet?”

“Come close to it a few times, but we either talk it out or walk it out. We made it out of a few scraps with recruits tryna make a name for themselves by fuckin’ ‘em up bad enough to make ‘em think twice about comin’ back, but that’s not what we wanted. Ty and I really just wanna be left to our business. He wants to chase tail with no strings attached and I just wanna live comfortably.”

“Between me an’ Twilight, ya won’t have ta worry for bits any time soon, but it’s not like Fluttershy doesn’t come from a little bit a’ money too.”

“It’s weird that you three hang out. It’s just odd.” I commented.

“We’re the three most normal ones if you take it at face value.” Applejack scoffed. “The other three are the ones ya gotta worry about.”

“What are there names? Just in case I run into ‘em.”

“Well, I know ya met Rarity, ‘cause she went on and on about how odd ya were. Rainbow Dash-”

“Is about to get her shit split.” I cut in aloofly.

“Figured Ty might have beef with her, but why you?”

“She disrespected the fuck out of me, called me a mutt to my face, and tried to pick a fight in the first place until Twilight told her to back off.” I rattled off.

“That’s Rainbow for ya. She gets an STD from a guy we all told her to avoid and she acts like every man on Arkaid is poison.” Applejack sighed.

“She abouta get handled.”

“If she beats you up. I gotta go back and kick her ass, so don’t start shit, Jay. Just don’t.” I gave her a look and she said, “Alright, so if Rainbow comes at ya verbally, just ignore it. If she comes at ya physically, just try to do it somewhere public so people can help ya if she starts gettin’ the best of ya.”

“Can I not just stab her in the side and call it quits?”

“No, she’ll grab ya, fly ya up above the clouds, then drop ya inta water. Trust me, it don’t matter how good you dive; you’re not gonna make it.”

“I can stab pretty quick.” I said causally.

“Don’t stab my sexist friend.”

“Tell her that one of us will fuck her up if she keeps trying to start shit.”

Applejack opened a door in a hall, so I assumed it was her room. I walked in and it was pretty fucking pink. I mean, it was really fucking pink. And frilly. There was lace on everything. “... Holy shit, what is this?” I asked, awed.

She blushed. “What?”

“It’s just… Ya kinda strike me as a red or an orange kinda girl. Maybe a warm, rich yellow, but… Pink?”

“I like pink.” Applejack muttered, embarrassed.

“Evidently. What’s up with the lace?” I asked casually. “Is it just because it looks nice? Helps give the place a more feminine feel to it, I’ll say.”

“... Are ya makin’ fun of me?” Applejack asked, her voice surprisingly vulnerable.

“No, if I was making fun of you, I’d ask which drawer is where you keep all your spy-shot nudes of Mac.”

She choked on that one. “What’s with people and thinkin’ I sleep with my brother!? That shit’s weird!”

“That’s why people think you do it. You’re weird.” I wrapped it up in a nice little bow for her.

“You’re one to talk.” AJ scoffed.

“You’re the one datin’ an alien.” I pointed out.

“You’re the one datin’ three of ‘em!”

“No, I’m the alien. You ladies are the natives, thus you can’t be aliens. Sorry you’re not as cool as me.”

“Heavens above, you sound like Rainbow.” Applejack sighed before heading over to one of her dressers. One drawer had a weird metal circle next to the handle, and when Applejack pressed her finger against it, I figured it was some kind of magical fingerprint scanner.

She pulled out my gun and my knife, but before she gave them back, she set them on her dresser and grabbed a book that was nearby and held it out to me. “You’re gonna need to put or right hand on the book.”

I did as she asked. “Okay.”

“Alright, now repeat after me: I, insert name here, offer my sword and shield to Arcadia when she calls, my time when she asks, and my life if need be.” I repeated after her and said my name in place of the thing. “I hereby pledge to uphold the laws of Arcadia through the authority of the Four Princesses, to guard her citizens from peril, and to guard the lives of my… Brethren? Brethren. To guard the lives of my brethren in active duty and on leave. So help me Celestia, should I break these vows, may Tartarus await me.” I repeated the second bit and she gave me my shit back.

“Now that wasn’t so-” Applejack started.

I blew a hole in her floor.

She stopped flinching. “Jay. What. The. Fuck!?”

“It’s only fair.” I gave her a smile.

“You- You- My floor! You asshole!” Applejack seethed.

“If ya woulda just-” She slapped my shit. “Mmm, tastes like pain.” She got me again, but with the heel of her hand this time, so my face snapped to the side and the world got a little darker for a sec. “Ow.”

“Jameson Underwood!” She shouted. “You complete asshat!”

Her voice was muffled in my ears like I had memory foam crammed into the canals. I wobbled, staggering to get my feet underneath me while my world started spinning, and I couldn’t really form a sentence since she’d just smacked the taste out of mouth. “Uh…”

I was trying to clear my eyes when Applejack sat me down on her bed. “Alright, that mighta been bad aim, but I’m still upset with you Jay. How are ya gonna fix my floor?”

I closed my eyes and tried to come up with a response. “Wood in shop. Cut down. Sand down. Stain. Remove old board, replace with new. Nail down.”

“Oh. Little literal, Lover-Boy, but I can deal with it. Is that why ya put the hole in the one plank?”

“Yup.”

“Smart, but I’m still pissed about ya up an-”

Applejack’s door flung open and Granny came in with a big-ass skillet. “What’s all that racket!? Bangin’ ain’t supposed to get that loud!”

“Granny! We wasn’t doin’ that, Jay was bein’ a butthead and messin’ up my floor.” Applejack said, her cheeks getting rosier as my vision started to clear up.

Granny glanced down and checked the floor for damage. “I don’t see no white stains.”

“Granny!” Applejack exclaimed.

“Well, what’d he do?” The elderly woman asked irritably. I blamed the fact that she was partially blind in one eye and was nearsighted anyway.

Applejack went to stand over by the hole. “He put a hole the size of my friggin’ thumb in my floor, talkin’ about some kinda fair.” She turned to glare at me.

“Didn’t he put a hole in Twilight’s floor too?”

“Well yeah, but he was mad at her!”

“You took my stuff.” I grumbled. “Ty’s my most precious person, but you took my most precious things.”

“Makes sense to me.” Granny lowered her hoisted skillet. “Girl, don’t be stealin’ stuff and
people won’t be puttin’ holes in places they ain’t got no place in bein’.”

“I confiscated his weapons; I didn’t steal ‘em!”

“Did he hurt anyone with ‘em?” Grann deadpanned.

“I tried. Twilight arrested Ty for being a slut and I shot her floor, but the next bullet was going in her direction.” I answered.

Granny rolled her eyes. “Unless Arcadian Law got somethin’ in its books about whatever thing ya keep usin’ to put holes in floors, I don’t believe no one can rightly take it from ya.”

“You just liked gettin’ people ta try ya back when you were Sheriff, ya crazy old bat.” Applejack scoffed. “I don’t know how close Jay needs to be to use that thing, but anywhere near me is too close.”

“I’ll say. That thing is loud.” Granny sent me a dark look. “Next time ya let that thing off, I’m hittin’ ya with the skillet.”

“Noted. Fear properly instilled.” I rubbed my aching cheek.

Granny narrowed her eyes at me before looking at Applejack. Her granddaughter wouldn’t meet her gaze, which apparently made her suspicious. “Jay, lemme ask ya somethin’.”

“Ask away.” I replied, trying to find the sorest spot on my jaw.

“Did Applejack hit ya when ya made that big ol’ bang?” Granny asked, her tone making me wish I was somewhere else. Seriously, Arkaid’s women are all terrifying. I’ve met the sketchiest of the sketchy, the craziest of the crazy, but these bitches… Bruh.

“... If I say something other than what you’re expecting to hear, which of us is getting hit with the skillet?” I asked cautiously.

“I’m expectin’ the truth, Jay. I know Applejack’ll tell me, but-”

“She didn’t do anything undeserved.” I answered.

“That ain’t a yes or a no, Sonny.”

“Probably gonna have to hit me with that skillet to get either one.” I said firmly.

Granny, a woman who’s probably calling septuagenarians whippersnappers, hefted a cast iron skillet that would have made a half-decent chestpiece like it was nothing. “Just ‘cause she gave ya a place ta stay doesn’t mean ya should be lettin’ her put her hands on ya.”

“You’re the one coming up with the crazy allegations. Maybe you’ve been dipping into the liquor cabinet while the kids are away?” I tried.

I didn’t need to see Granny’s eyes to know that she was an old she-bear at heart, just like Tough Cookie. However, Cookie was like a Grizzly that was getting old while Granny was a Kodiak that was already there. Both were dangerous in their own right, but it wasn’t hard to tell that Granny was the bigger threat. Hell, Applejack had said it multiple times. “Look here; I can’t do nothin’ if ya don’t say nothin’.”

“At the moment, there’s nothing to do anything about other than fixing a holey floor.” I replied cautiously.

Granny couldn’t really see me, but she still shook her head before giving her attention to Applejack. “Ya got a loyal one. Don’t waste that.”

“I won’t.” AJ responded quietly.

“Good. Ya know damn well that I ain’t about ta pass the Family down ta some husband beatin’ wretch.”

“It was a heat of the moment thing, Granny! It won’t happen again!”

Granny nodded. “Even if ya just gotta breed him and toss him, don’t be puttin’ your hands on men.”

“... Right. Yes Ma’am.” Applejack replied, shooting me an anxious look.

“So we’re just calling me a helpless victim and leaving it at that? It’s not like I’m just some random-”

“Shut up, Sonny. Women are talking.” Granny said dismissively.

My blood boiled, but I was looking at the woman holding the position Applejack was supposed to inherit. Apparently it was some shit worthy of being scared of, so I bit my tongue, but I was aware of the power I held in my right hand, even if no one else knew. Granny carried on with, “I saw y’all in the yard earlier. Ya got a damn good chance against just about any other woman in town ‘cept for the Deputies, Dash, Pinkie, and probably Mary, but Applejack let ya handle her for a little bit to see what ya would do.”

I scoffed. “Raw strength only goes so far. I’ll be sure to shore up my defenses as I go along.”

“... Jay, what’s your MR?” Granny asked.

“Uh… I think I’m a C-Rank.”

Applejack touched my arm. “I’m a triple A-Rank Mundusian, Jay. Unless ya dump your mana into one lucky shot, then it’s not gonna work out for ya.”

I smirked at her. “Terrans figured out how to make weapons that can kill millions in one go. I’m sure I can find something that can paralyze you long enough to clear your head between magic and the mundane.”

“What makes ya think anyone would let ya have somethin’ against ‘em?” Granny chuckled.

“Well, I can get both of you right now and there ain’t shit you could do about it. The only way you’ll get your revenge is if Twilight doesn’t decide that my devotion is worth more than your lives, which if you’ve seen her eyes when she looks at me, then you’ll know that it’s unlikely. I’m working with leverage here too, girls.” I replied calmly.

Applejack smirked at me. “Playin’ us against each other already?”

I held up a pinkie. “Cross my heart, hope to die, stick a knife in the round brown-eye that I won’t do that unless I feel like my life is at stake.”

AJ hooked my finger with hers. “I won’t make ya feel like ya have to if I can help it. I don’t want ya ta just be some Bull that stops by every now and again to see his calves, by the way. I dunno if I want ya ta be the one, but I’m gonna wait until ya fix my floor ta say much else about what I want from ya.”

“Well, I can either get to fixing your floor or we can grab a bottle of bourbon, head to Twilight’s, and see if we can try and get a personal visit out of Max.”

“Your Creator?”

“The Torch Bearer.” I corrected.

Granny scoffed. “Talkin’ ‘bout meetin’ the Creator. The boy’s tryin’ ta kill ya, Sugarcube.”

“Sugarcube?” I asked, the thing sounding familiar.

“Yeah, where do ya think AJ got ‘Sugar’ from? She just shortened my thing.” Granny grumbled light-heartedly like we hadn’t just been talking about my impending death, Applejack’s possible abusive streak, and my lack of fucks about killing people.

“I’d be upset if Applejack shortened my thing, but that’s because I like my thing where it is.” I said, nodding along like I was spouting wisdom.

The woman in question gave me a look. “Keep it up and I’ll start making fun of it.”

“Make fun of it and I’ll tell Twilight that you made him too sad for sex.” I countered.

“... They have feelings?” Applejack asked dubiously.

“Arkadite dongs don’t?” I asked in turn.

“No.” Applejack answered, glancing at my groin.

Granny chuckled. “Tell the little guy that Granny says goodbye for now, but not for long.” She gave me a disturbing smile and I felt my balls recede into my pelvis to hide in a bone cage. The old bear left though, so they started easing their way out.

Applejack patted my leg a couple times. “I’m just gonna say that he ain’t exactly little and leave it at that. Why do we need a bottle of bourbon again?”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be bourbon, but Maximus likes bourbon the best out of anything else. Some people say that using moonshine gets him to show up pretty much every time, but he comes pissed off and ready with consequences.” I scratched my head.

“Consequences like what?”

“I’ve heard of a few people getting bad acne for a year, spraining wrists and ankles, hitting their head exactly three times in every building they enter for a week at a time, and for the people that like to push him, it’s been reported that he started amputating shit. The worst thing was that this one couple, a twenty-something year old woman and a teenage boy were fucking around with a gallon of moonshine and sent it off to Max, live-streaming the whole thing so that thousands of people could watch it. I saw the video of them being turned to cinder.”

“... You mean your Creator killed people for givin’ him the wrong offering?”

“He put it in his book.” I shrugged. “You only send him moonshine at midnight if you’re looking for the easy way out. Fucking with that mercy option he offers pisses most of my people off, to be honest with you, so no one felt that sorry for them. I mean, the amount of alcohol you burn is pretty well aligned with how likely he is to show up, so burning a fucking gallon of moonshine guaranteed that they were gonna get his attention. I can’t say for sure if they knew that, but they shouldn’t have been fucking with a being that’s known for being morally gray.”

Applejack was quite pale by the time I finished. “... You wanna summon a guy that kills peopleover burnin’ the wrong kinda liquor?”

I blinked at her. “If he wanted us dead, we’d be dead, Applejack. The guy’s probably been waiting to hear from me since you opened Twilight’s closet.”

“I don’t want-”

“Ay, I ain’t gonna make you do anything. I just need like, a glass of bourbon. A shot gets his attention, but like I said, quantity matters. Quality too, but he’s cool with the cheap stuff.”

“... The highest bein’ in the world drinks rotgut?” She asked, doubt strewn throughout her voice.

“Ay, I got a couple of words out of him with some stuff that was barely flammable. Like the Maxronomicon says, the guy came from the streets, walked amongst man for twenty years as a mortal, then his life got hella complicated. Like, the Maxronomicon is a fuckin’ sick read. It’s set up like a journal, but at the end is The Edict, The Five Absolutes, and there’s always this page of scribbles in the back of the book that can’t be ripped out of any copy, no matter what.”

“... Sounds kinda scary.”

“It’s really not. Believe me when I say that TB isn’t a bad guy, he’s just overpowered and that kinda makes people nervous. He’s actually super nice.”

Applejack still didn’t seem sure, but we left the conversation there and she happened to have a flask shaped bottle of bourbon that she didn't mind parting with, and with that, we were on our way back to Twilight’s, despite her earlier hesitation. It wasn’t a very conversational walk to be straight with you, but I understood that Applejack was scared of meeting someone more powerful than Twilight, especially since I’d mentioned his level of tolerance for bullshit. I tried telling Applejack about some of the good things that Maximus did after he took over the universe, like how he cured most terminal diseases except for cancer. The reason he didn’t cure cancer is because multiple cures already existed and had since like, Y2K. He did announce that a lot of Big Pharma decision maker types were taking an extended trip to Hell, so I found that awesome, along with the majority of the planet. The videos of stocks dropping like rocks went viral after a few hours of being posted and most medications could be bought for less than twenty dollars depending on how many pills were in your script. Hell, my Valium went from three hundred a script to less than ten, and after I switched to the generic stuff, I could afford it while going to college and only slinging on a casual basis.

I wrote all of that down because I talked to Applejack about it, but it didn't do her any good since she was still wary by the time we got to Twilight’s. Upon getting there, or rather, upon arrival because it sounds better and I can’t erase ink without the Sliquid Pen I made, Spike answered the door and welcomed us in. Twilight was already in the basement, but I asked Spike if he knew what she was doing just in case we were interrupting something and he said that he’d go check if I wanted him to. Shit wasn’t necessary, so I just had him come down with Applejack and myself. As it turned out, Twilight was just trying to figure out how to make something bitter yet non-toxic so she could use it to prevent children from eating paint chips or some shit. I didn’t pay much attention to her explanation, and I was kinda spaced out until she asked me why I came by.

With her question in the air, I replied because that’s what you do to communicate with things most of the time. “Ah, I stopped by to summon the guy who runs the universe. Figured I might as well do it here since Applejack’s a scaredy cat.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Is this an experiment or something?”

“Well, I guess you could call it that. We’re checking to see if TB comes around these parts.” I said.

“... If he’s as powerful as you say he is, then he’s omnipotent, right?” Twilight asked reasonably.

“Yup. Knows everything he wants to know and most of the stuff he doesn’t. He bitches about it in the Maxronomicon, and I say he bitches about it because he admitted that he was bitching.”

“Right. Okay. So if he’s omnipotent, then why doesn’t he just come and say hi to prove that he’s watching?” Twilight said, her rebuttal easy to pierce.

“Dude gets googols upon googols of prayers at any given second, Twilight. He’ll answer the call if you give him a reason to come, but it’s not like he’s obligated to do a damned thing. This might work, it might not. I’ve heard from him a couple times, but it’s not like he’s trying to hold a conversation, so I’m just trying to see if he’s setting me up for a trial or if he’s giving me a second chance.”

Twilight stared at me for a moment before shrugging. “Okay. How do we get him here?”

I held up the little bottle. “Got something to burn this in?”

She raised a brow and teleported a glass bowl into her hands before leading me over to one of her four work tables. After pouring the offering in the bowl, I got my lighter and set it on fire, burning most of the hair on my hand and forearm off while I was at it. “Shit! Ah fuck, whatever.” I grumbled. “Better just get it over with.” I shook myself and got ready for the verse. “Maximus! My cock is much bigger than yours!”

Twilight, Applejack, and Spike stared at me like I'd lost my dick flippering shit until someone said, “My cock can walk right through the door! Jameson Maxwell Underwood, son of Betty Jean Underwood and some fuckhead!”

All four of us searched for the voice, but it seemed to be coming from nowhere. “Yo, ‘sup TB?” I said casually, trying not to show too much obeisance so I wouldn’t irritate him.

A bright flash of light blinded me out of fucking nowhere, but when I opened my eyes, it was like nothing had happened except for the advent of some white dude. He was about my height, maybe a little taller if you shaved my head or got my hair out of the way, and his eyes were dichromatic, the left green and the right blue. He strolled up to me and stopped a couple of feet away to let me have my distance, but that didn’t stop me from being intimidated. The guy was cut up like a Thanksgiving turkey or a fucking Christmas ham; either fucking one. The definition in his musculature put Ty’s years in the gym to shame, but his face was just unfair. The dude mixed pretty boy with dashing rogue and got a fucking heartthrob, but when you’re God, I guess you get to take certain liberties. From the sharp angle of his jaw to the slight bend in his nose that made it look like it’d been broken and hadn't healed correctly, it was like looking at a panty-dropping machine that could also break faces on command, but what was even more interesting than the evident sculpting of Maximus was the depth to his eyes. His left eye had flecks of gold while his right eye had flecks of silver, but looking into both brought up memories of dirt I’d done with Ty over the years. I… I didn’t feel ashamed, per se, but Maximus knew who the fuck and what the fuck I was and am. The thing about it is that I saw earnest acceptance in his eyes, a certain kind of fatherly love that I’d craved for a long time but had never been able to find. As much as I wanted to keep him to myself so that I’d know he would always have my back, I somehow knew that the feeling was just due to his presence and my perception of it. It didn’t stop me from debating the value of the chocolatey half of my heritage, but dude only looked like he was like, thirty, if that. Even with the silver streak in his near-black hair, he put off an aura of everlasting youth that made my heart ache for him since I consider immortality a pretty shitty curse.

I don’t know how long I looked at Maximus, but he let me snap out of my awe on my own time. “... Uh, yo, like, I know I’m supposed to be all casual about this, but…”

He chuckled and it made me want to laugh along with him. “Most people bow or something like that, but I’ve gotta admit that a hug is pretty rare. Bring it in, Mate.”

TB gave me my hug and a smile, so I figured that I had the floor. “So… It’s… It’s real cool to meet you man, but I kinda have to ask why I’m here. Not tryna overstep or question your judgement-”

“Mate, bugger off with that bullshit.” He snorted. “I question my judgement sometimes. I’m not going to smite you for not thinking that my plan is the best one.” Maximus turned around and looked at our astounded audience before looking back to me and raising a brow. “Before we get to business, are you going to introduce me to your friends?”

“Uh, yeah, right.” I shook my head to clear it. “The pretty one with the cowboy hat is Applejack, my first girlfriend, the handsome young Drake is Spykoranu-something, but everyone calls him Spike, and the shorty but cutie is Twilight Sparkle, my second girlfriend.”

TB waved. “Wotcher. Name’s Maximus, but everyone who goes to Heaven calls me Max.”

“... Hi.” Spike said in a small voice.

Applejack and Twilight seemed too stricken to answer, so Max addressed Spike. “It’s nice to meet you, Spike. I’m sure your big sister will eventually get over the shock, but it might take a second or two.”

“What about Applejack?” I asked.

He looked at me and rolled his eyes. “She’s barely keeping her bladder in check. It happens with some people who get too used to being on top of their own little food chain.”

I summoned up every ounce of idiocy, bravery, and suicidal tendencies to say, “What about you, Mr. Max Almighty? Who’s saying that you haven’t got complacent?”

Max gave me a look that made me feel bad, but it’s not like he was upset at all. “I’m one of the youngest Capital G’s out there, Mate. I’m Aetherially weaker than a lot of Gods, but if you’ll let me brag for a sec…?”

I gave him the smile I always give Ty when he’s going on about an accomplishment. It’s not a bad thing, so don’t think I was dumb enough to patronize a guy who can think about me going to Smileton and send me there with no further effort. “I kinda wanna hear about what you have over the other Creators.”

He smiled. “I’m better in CQC than just any of the other humanoid Gods, most of the Sauroid ones, and a handful of the goopers.”

“I’m gonna need you to tell me what those things are, man.” I chuckled.

“Ah, right. The Sauroids are essentially biologically engineered races. Some are geared to be highly academic, physically acute, magically adept, or some combination of the three. Depending on where the Sauroid is from, you might have an easier time. It’s the non-magical ones you gotta worry about in combat though, since most of them don’t have the imagination to be effective with combat magic. Goopers are just goop. Slime. Globs of jelly, to be honest with you. Some are like putting your hand in a tube of toothpaste and others are like olive oil with more surface tension.”

“You’ve seen a lotta weird shit, haven't you?” I asked, half amused, half blown away that the Torch Bearer was still talking to me.

“You’ve got no idea, James.” He sighed. “Anyway, let’s get to business, yeah?”

“Sure thing. So what’s up with the whole ‘new world’ thing?”

“You needed another shot.” He said, checking his nails. “I mean, you were doing pretty well, but your dumbass brother kept you with a foot in the grave, so I figured I’d put you someplace where you could keep him away from more bad influences. I know it’s a bit shit to be ripped away from your lesbian mothers-”

I fuckin’ choked and ended up coughing hard as fuck as I asked, “Fuckin’ what!?”

Maximus was way too amused by my reaction. “What, you didn’t take a hint when Ty’s Mum stopped sleeping on the couch?”

“They were devout Christians when they were growing up!” I said in disbelief.

He rolled his eyes. “Are you really that worried about it?”

“Why didn’t they tell us!?”

“They thought you might be judgemental. Well, not you specifically, but they did worry that you would follow Ty’s lead like when he found out.”

A strange warmth spread through me, starting from my stomach. I’d felt the warmth before. “What’d he do?”

“Well, beyond calling them sick SpEds, not much. Still, now you know why he seemed less affectionate towards them.”

“Is it a sin if I hit him?” I asked, dead serious.

Max gave me a sad smile that made my bones ache and my blood feel frozen in my veins. “Your brother’s life is entirely in your hands, Jay. Whether he lives or dies, you’re not going to Hell for it, even if you kill him yourself. That young man owes you his life, his anal virginity, and his happiness all to you. I’ll never say that you should ask more of him than what you give in return, but in the grand sum, you’ve always given more than you’ve received with him.”

I stared at him. “... I already knew that Ty was my responsibility-”

“Jay, I had a brother.” Max said gently. “We weren’t related by blood, but the waters of the womb and blood of the covenant and all that rubbish. My brother, Maxwell, was like Ty. He’d fight for you, steal for you, but I could never get that guy to pull through for me on anything other than a job or a drink. He was one of the most loyal bastards out there, but once I became a Prince, he started asking for things from Equus. He eventually started asking for more than trinkets and tokens, and by the end of things, he just wanted it all for all the wrong reasons.”

“Yeah, okay that sucks, but Ty isn’t Maxwell-”

Max sucked some air through his teeth and looked away from me. “Well…”

“You gotta be fuckin’ me, dude.” I droned.

“Oi, I didn’t do shit!” Maximus objected heartily. “It’s not my fault that my predecessor thought that reusing souls so he wouldn’t have to make as many new ones was a good idea!”

“You’re God! Why don’t you fix that shit!?”

He gave me a look that shut me the fuck up, but it wasn’t even like he did much more than frown and furrow his brows a little. I could feel the prickle of irritation coming off of him and I wasn’t trying to get fucked up. “Don’t tell me how to do my bloody job, James. If I take the time to go fix the reincarnation system, then I can’t crop my black holes, adjust for constant expansion, or if I’m particularly unlucky, stop those fucking (He made a noise that didn’t make sense) from blowing half of their galaxy apart again. Like, do you know how much of a headache my job is, Jay? I can’t sleep. I don’t technically rest. This job fuckin’ sucks, and it’s really not hard to see why God used to cut all sorts of corners with the fucking mess he made.”

“... Right. Sorry, man. I guess I kinda thought that omnipotence comes naturally or something.”

Max shook his head. “Not quite. It literally drives you insane for thousands of years, you just have to pick a time to go insane.”

“... You get to choose?” I rubbed my face.

“Eeyup. It’s kind of like a switch.”

“Ah. So did you already do your stretch, or…?”

He scoffed. “Yeah, I served my time. It was a bitch in a blizzard, but it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Right, right…”

Maximus gave me a half smile and nudged my shoulder with his knuckle. “Oi, don’t worry about that. You’re not the next in line.”

“WOOOOOOOO!” I cried triumphantly. “Ha ha! Thank you!”

He gave me an amused look. “Glad to hear that my two quintillion years of misery brings joy to someone.”

I winced. “Ooh, sorry ‘bout that.”

“It’s cool, Mate.” He swept it aside. “Speaking things that are being brought to you, I figured I might as well leave you with a couple parting gifts. One is the replacement plank for the hole you put in Apple Bottom’s floor, and the other,” He cupped his hands together like he was holding water or a small animal, “is one of these.” Max spread his hands outward and the odd looking pistol from my Mana Mark appeared from thin air.

Max grabbed it while it was floating and handed it off to me. “God made me a Chosen and let me die and go to Hell before he gave me my first set of gifts, but then again, I was the guy that was supposed to be coming for the throne. I need you to not die at all so you can keep protecting Tyler, and I really don’t want you having my power.”

“Alright, why did you put Ty’s life in my hands? I’m not gonna mention how I’m kinda offended by the last bit since you committed genocide multiple times, but like, why tho?” I asked, running my hand through my hair.

TB conjured up a glass of some amber liquid and casually took a sip. I assumed it was bourbon. “Oi, I didn’t mean for Maxwell to get reincarnated, nor did I plan on making him your brother, but both of those things happened. I gave you dominion over Ty because he’s probably going to stab you in the back again.”

“Ty’s never stabbed me in the back.” I replied hotly, trying to keep my tone in check.

“Don’t lie to God. That’s a sin.”

“... Aight, so he’s made some selfish moves, but it ain’t like he up an’ robbed me or somethin’!”

“Second verse same as the first.”

“I woulda said yes anyway!”

“Third verse makes it worse.” Max droned.

“Bruh, fight me.”

“You’d get your arse handed to you on a platter made of a diamond the size of a large mesa or a small plateau.” He said kindly. “I know it sucks something fierce to hear, but Ty isn’t that good a guy, James. He’ll betray you in all the little ways and call you a fake or a fair-weather type when you call him out on the bullshit. In other words-”

“Ay, you still white.” I reminded.

God gave me an incredulous look. “Shut the fuck up you Medamn zebra. I’ll call whoever the fuck I want whatever the fuck I want, and our brother is a fuckin’ cuck.”

“Oh. I thought you were about to call him the N-word.”

“No, he is and was definitely one of those in both lives.” God said briskly. “I’ll be damned if you hear that degrading word come out of my mouth though.”

“Ty’s not one of them, man. He’s a respectable black person.” I seethed.

God gave me a look and I felt actually felt ashamed for saying that. “That’s an insult to your heritage, Jameson. You might not consider yourself your father’s child, but you claim your heritage all the same, and you can’t tell me that Ty is so much as a neutral mark on the map. He was dark grey when he was born vanilla and he’s still dark grey now that he’s chocolatey. What you really need to do is find him a good woman to cull the testosterone.”

We looked at Applejack and Twilight. “Bruh.”

A translucent, dark blue bubble enveloped us. “Mate, I’m sorry.”

“Why?” I asked softly.

“I just watch and nudge, Jay. Has your track record not been historically atrocious anyway?” Max asked, giving me an empathetic look.

“Not this bad!” I wailed. “I mean, they put up this nice-ass front most of the time, but I gotta watch my fuckin’ back with Twilight ‘cause she’s either gonna rape me, kidnap me, or forcibly jerk me off into a cup so she can self-inseminate until she has a clutch of Twilings to pin me down!”

Max smirked at me. “They have forty-eight chromosomes. You’re a different species, Jay.”

“Sweeet. I don’t have to worry about Ty being like our sperm donor.”

“He’s sterile anyway.” Max commented.

“It’s not like it matters now.” I shrugged. “What’s your advice on telling those two I can’t have kids with them?”

He fucking laughed at me. “Mate, are you fucking spastic? Don’t say a damned thing unless they ask, and if they do; you’re an alien. It’s not exactly like either of them should have gotten their hopes up.”

“... S’kinda cold, man.” I said cautiously

“Hope has no place in my realm.” He said bitterly, his lip curling. “Trust me, hope might keep you alive, but sometimes it’s just better to stay down.”

“... Dude, the Maxronomicon is full of miniature miracles. Even when you were a slave, you still had to have some hope, right?”

The brooding look on his face deepened into an intimidating scowl, and I was pretty glad that I’d chosen not to drink anything since breakfast, otherwise I might have pissed myself. Twilight might be scary, but Max is Eldritch. Twilight’s level of scary makes you want to run and hide, but the fear He instills freezes you, chokes you, swallows you up before you can think to run away. “Mate, I gave up after a couple years. I didn’t have hope; I had rage. I had despair. I had a throbbing, pitch-fucking-black heart made of hatred for Kali that drove me into super-sanity so deeply that I slaughtered plenty of innocent lowercase ‘G’s because of vindication for crimes they didn’t stop. You’ve read the book. In my experience, hope is often baseless. Don’t waste your time hoping and spend it preparing. Words from Cap G and me.”

“Just because you’re miserable-”

“Don’t get slapped.” He cut in. “The universe is a considerably better place now that I’m in charge, so don’t come after me for enjoying other people’s misery when it pops up. It’s a waste of your breath, my valuable time, and it’ll get you, yes, slapped.”

“Already been slapped today, so let’s not do that.”

“Exactly. Now, I’m irritated, so I’m going to go smoke some dank herb and stop wondering why I’m letting you have an above average wang instead of halving it.” Max gave me a smile.

I chuckled nervously. “Is that a hint not to summon you again?”

“Mate, as long as you don’t think you can chide me, we’re cool.” Max snapped his fingers and he disappeared along with his bubble.

I blinked a couple of times and tried to take a moment to examine the pistol he’d given me, but Twilight broke into my thoughts with, “Oh my Heavens, I’ve never… Oh dear.” Her eyes rolled up into the back of her head and I had to race over to catch her.

Spike looked at me for a long moment, shook head and said, “No. I don’t.”

I picked Twilight up and looked for a place to put her. “You don’t what?”

He was leaving as he said, “I was asking myself if I needed anymore of this hyper-magic crap.”

I watched him go and wondered if he thought about how I felt. It didn’t matter to me much longer since I needed a place to put Twilight. The chair we’d used for the ‘messing around’ was still present, so I put her in that while Applejack followed me. When I got Twilight to stay sitting up, AJ asked, “So… What was with the bubble after Maximus started talkin’ about Ty settlin’ down?”

“Don’t ask questions you don’t want answered.” I hoped that she would leave it alone.

Turns out Max was right. “Yeah, sure, ‘cept I want this one answered and the longer you go without answerin’ it the madder I’ll be.”

I steeled my gaze and sent a subpoena to the Court of Deez Nutz to get a little manly courage. “So what? If I don’t talk you’re gonna hit me?”

She flinched at that. “I- Jay, that ain’t fair!”

“Am I wrong?”

“Yes!”

“Prove it by letting it go. It was a man to man conversation between me and Max. If you have a heart to heart with him, feel free to keep it to yourself unless it worries you or somethin’.”

Applejack looked rather frustrated. “Can ya at least tell me if my name came up?”

“It didn’t, though I did ask him why he kept throwing dangerous women at me.” I replied.

“... So what’d he say to that?”

“Said he didn’t do anything. Said he doesn’t do a lot of things so he can keep the universe running. Or at least that’s what he implied.”

“... Jay, I’ve fought Discord. Had to go against him solo for a little while. That Maximus is way more stronger than Dizzy.”

“Did you- Did you just say ‘more stronger’?” I asked, baffled.

“Alright Egghead, back up and let’s go back to the fact that Discord could warp reality itself, and you’re sittin’ here tellin’ me that someone who makes that guy look like a fly’s wing compared to the Leviathan at the bottom the Sea of Shade just strolled on through to say hi?”

“How big’s the Leviathan?” I asked curiously, ignoring her question.

“Legend says it migrates overland from the Sea of Lost Souls, which is across Arcadia.”

“... And?”

“Tail to tip, either end doesn’t come out of the water at the same time.”

“Sounds about right, to be honest with you, if you mean that it’s long enough to span the country in a straight line.”

“Jay, why did you- You- Ya coulda gotten yourself not just killed, but erased!”

“Oh, he could have sent me to a place worse than Hell if I said the wrong shit. Got real close, too.”

“... What’s Hayal?”

“It’s Hell, and it’s a place where you can be torn limb from limb for eons, heal, get dunked in acid and fire, heal, be burned to the point where your bones are black, heal, and then die in whatever way you mighta killed someone in the past. I’m already going to Hell because there are a few sins I can’t repent for, but you go to Heaven once you’ve served your accumulated time anyway.”

“... How long do ya go to Hell?” Applejack asked fearfully.

“Depends on what you do in life and how bad you feel about doing bad shit. I make it a point not to be a thief, and if I ever rape someone it’s not because I had control of my body, but I’ve killed some dudes that weren’t poison-pushers or murderers themselves, but I know two of the kills I don’t regret were rapists and the one I take pride in was a pedophile.” I smirked and looked up. “Ay, if you send me to Hell for those, it’s cool.”

Took some time off for it, actually.

“Sweet.” I replied.

“Wait, did you just talk to Max again?” Applejack asked.

I answered, “Yup.” as Twilight groaned.

Purps touched her temples and started shaking gently. “So much mana…”

“Well, he probably created this planet, now that I think about it. Maximus’ Human name was Kaid, and this place Arkaid. Either he made it or some other Capital G did.” I looked around. “Care to confirm?”

First planet I ever made. I didn’t get that creative.

“Right, so did you guys hear that?” I asked.

Applejack shook her head while Twilight gave me a funny look. “Who are you talking to?”

“Right now I’m talking to you, but I was talking to Maximus. He says Arkaid was the first planet he ever made.”

“... So we just saw the Creator?” Twilight breathed. “We really just saw the Giver of Life?”

“Yup.” I answered elegantly.
Her eyelids fluttered for a few moments and I swear to Max, on both of my Mommas’ graves, that steam came out of her ears. She cocked her head to the side and the vapors wavered. “Does not compute. The Creator- He- It’s- She-” Twilight started leaning heavily to one side.

“I think what Twilight’s tryin’ ta say is that everyone kinda assumed that The Creator was a woman.” Applejack said, sexism shining through the numbness in her voice.

“Fun fact: God, the guy who came before Max? Often depicted as a male, but he apparently switched between the sexes.” I said drily.

“... So both a’ the Creators were pretty much guys?”

“If it makes you feel any better, Max’s world was my world.”

Applejack gave me a look. “Ya don’t gotta rub it in.”

I squinted at her. “I don’t understand how that’s bragging. I’m trying to tell you that the women of Arcadia are more like Max and Cap G than the men are.”

“Oh. That… That makes me feel like an asshole, to be honest with you.”

“Ay! You’re effectively calling me an asshole too!” I protested playfully.

She glared at me. “You are an asshole. You blew a damn hole in my floor for tryin’ ta do ya a favor!”

“Which you eventually realized wasn’t doing you any favors. Your favor could have gotten me some kind of fucked up, so you made the most out of the situation and bound me to magical oaths, yes I knew they were magic, and boosted your own social and political status at the same time. Just because I let you get away with shit doesn’t mean I’m stupid.” I said blandly.

“... Is that all ya really think it was?” Applejack asked quietly. “Jay, as a Deputy, I gotta take care a’ public safety. Takin’ a weird steel contraption that tears through wood like paper is a no-brainer, especially since you proved, by giving me that example, you were willin’ to use it ta at least threaten someone. The knife was a call I made because those rooms are bugged, Jay, and how was I about ta let ya take a knife with ya to meet the woman who made ya sad enough ta tell me ta consider suicide? And I been trying ta take over for Tough Cookie since she hit sixty-eight a couple years ago, but there ain’t a civilian willin’ ta be my second-in-command-”

“Wait, I’m your second?”

She nodded, her eyes full of sorrow and frustration. “It won’t affect ya any, Jay, I promise.”

“Why me, though? Why not look for an upstanding citizen in a close by town?”

“The closest town is still half a day’s walk, and there’s no accountin’ for rumors. Jay, I passed up a lotta people who wanted to be my first Deputy, but I picked you because ya seem capable and I thought ya trusted me!”

I tilted my head at her. “This isn’t about trust, because I do trust you. I’ve told you that I trust you before, and I don’t appear to be able to lie to you, so let me explain: I thought you were more heartless than- Well, I thought you had a heartless side and weren’t afraid to use me to further your own goals. I’m sure that side of you exists, but I doubt that I’ve seen it yet. The reason I trust you is because I’m valuable to you, and people don’t get rid of valuable things.”

Applejack swallowed hard, her fists balled up tight enough to make the whiteness of her knuckles stand out against her rich tan. “... Ya think I want ya for bits ya don’t got?”

I furrowed my brow, the synapses firing on safety for a second. “No, not money. I’m sure you have enough to not need any of whatever I manage to make, though you're welcome to ten percent of my earning for three months of your choosing. What I mean is that I am a man. I can give you romance and all the trouble that entails. I will learn the art of Artificing, so that’s Human Capital. I’m currently a decent mechanic and nonessential inventor, so that’s a bonus. I’m also handy with repairs, which will prove its worth the more I fix similar things-”

“Wait, are tellin’ me that you just found the fucking STUPIDEST way to tell me that I’m dating you for OBVIOUS SHIT!?” Applejack roared. I happened to see the tiger in her eyes, and it was bearing its teeth.

“... Deus ex machina?” I glanced at the weird pistol.

Deus machina broke. Might wanna exit

I backed away from Applejack as she stalked toward me, but I eventually ran into a wall that did not have a staircase on it, I just went slip slidin’ around the room since she evidently didn’t feel like she needed to hurry. It was kinda like watching country, female, blonde, hot Michael Myers. “I’m sorry for lacking-”

“Even if you make it across town, I’m going get you. Leave town and I’ll track you. Running is pointless. Hiding is pointless. Come here.” Applejack said levelly, enunciating like an OCD English teacher on Adderall and Vyvanse. It didn’t bode well.

“Can I apologize for-”

“You’ll be apologizing soon enough anyway.”

“... Don’t make me hurt you, Applejack. I know you’re upset-” I said, drawing my primary weapon. I’d only fired two shots in Arcadia, so I reckoned that I could spare one of my remaining thirteen to not die.

Her jaw dropped slightly and she licked her top lip, using it to wet the bottom one. “You’ve got one chance to put that down.”

“Applejack, you’re scaring me. I will-”

“I am not going to tell you twice.” She interrupted, gaining speed.

I crammed Max’s gift in my pocket and set up. Standard ‘Cup and Saucer’ is for chumps, so I just wasted a shitton of money on ammo to find the most accurate thing for me. Mucho reccomendo, it’s saved my ass. At least, being a good shot has. “Applejack, stop.”

She stood still to say, “Do it.”

“I rea~lly don’t feel like it.” I stressed the fuck out of that ‘really’.

Applejack started walking toward me again, but I hit another wall and my concentration was broken for a second. There had to be at least ten feet between us since Twilight’s basement had plenty of space and I hadn’t stopped moving when she did. She didn’t even need a fullMaxdamn second to close that. My head turned to the left when I made contact with the wall, but before I could even look in front of me, my hands were slammed up above my head, making me drop my gun as Applejack gripped my jaw with little to no concern about how I was feeling. It was pretty disrespectful, to be obvious.

“You need to understand that I am the woman in this relationship. You do not fuck up my floors. You do not fuck with my head. You do not fuck with my heart. Regardless of your intentions, your actions will result in me breaking your fingers until I feel like you get the point.” She took a moment to glare deep into my eyes. Apparently my own quiet fury pissed her off, but she had a spoonful of restraint left. “Am I understood?” She let go of my face long enough to press her thumb against my throat. Not hard enough to choke me entirely, but enough to make it difficult to breathe.

“Understood.” I said through my teeth.

She pressed harder and I couldn't breathe anymore. “We play by my rules now, budd-”

I spit in her face and mouthed “Go fuck yourself.”

Applejack’s expression remained fierce for a moment before it went blank. Then she grabbed my face and cocked back, letting my arms go as she prepared to slam my head into the wall. Nothing I did was good enough to break her crazy kung-fu grip, but I did hear Twilight say, “Applejack?” before my melon got cracked. With that, I was knocked the fuck out. Perfect place for a cliffhanger, right?

Chapter Six: Consequences and Conundrums

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Chapter Six: Prep Phase

Don’t get me wrong; I like watermelon. Add a little salt to it and it’s pretty good for summer days and that type of thing, but I don’t want my head to be acting like a dropped one. When Applejack showed me her heartless side, things went from visible to dark in the span of slam, and waking up from something like that sucked ass. It’s good that I lived through it since she could have easily killed me if she’d been a little more careless, but I was mostly l feeling the pain when I woke up. My eyes hurt something fierce because of the bright lights and my head felt like people were taking turns whacking me with a hammer in the back of my skull. It was a little much for me at the moment, so I didn’t move and tried to get used to the aches in turn, but my eyes were still killing me and the throbbing in my head was making it hard to think, so I barely noticed someone coming into the room until I heard a loud step nearby.

“Ay.” I groaned softly.

The woman jumped and gasped. “Oh stars above! I didn’t realize you were awake.” She giggled away her mild fright. “Good afternoon, Mr. Jay. It’s good to see that you’re lucid.”

“Cool. The lights.”

“Oh, I can turn those off for you if they’re hurting your eyes.”

“Please.”

“With pleasure, dear. I’ll be right back.” The woman quickly took care of the nuisance and I tried opening my eyes, but the sunlight filtering in still made my eyes ache.

“Hey, hate to ask, but can you get the blinds too?” I asked feebly, my head still throbbing.

“Of course, but I’m pretty sure that being on this side of the hospital is going to mean that we won’t be able to see very well.” She still closed the shades, which weren’t actually blinds. They were curtains, I just couldn’t see.

“If it helps with the headache, I’ll deal.” I sighed.

Once she closed most of the curtains, I was able to open my eyes all the way, which was when I realized something odd. Nothing was fuzzy, though it was still a little bright in the room, even with the windows blocked off. I felt my face and my glasses were not there, which confused the fuck out of me. I didn’t get that much time to think about it. “Well, how’s that.”

“Much better, but where’s the extra light coming from? It’s like the overhead is still on, just a bit more… Colorless, I guess. Muted would be a good word.”

The admittedly attractive woman stared in my general direction. “Mr. Jay, I can barely make you out from here.”

“Really?” I asked. “Even without my glasses, I’m seeing fine. I’m guessing something got messed up in my head.”

She chuckled nervously. “Right. I’m- I’m going to go see if I can get you something for that headache, okay?”

I watched her try to meander about the room, heading toward the sliver of blinding light coming from the door before racing out of the room and slamming the door behind her, which fucking sucked for my headache. Since I’m not stupid, I knew I wasn’t a Vampire since Fluttershy walks around in daylight just fine, but I still ran my tongue over my canines to see if any of them were sharper than they should have been. They weren’t, so I tried to remember what could have landed me in the hospital since I was pretty foggy on the details. Hours passed and all I wanted to do was sleep since the nurse obviously wasn’t coming back, so I did what I wanted to, trying to get used to the hunger pains as they came.

After eventually passing out, someone woke my ass up, but my head was still killing me. I opened my eyes for a brief moment before shutting them hard and covering them. “Fucking ugh. Hit the lights.”

Some water splashed on my hand and face. Nothing happened except for me getting wet. “... Nope, not a Vampire.” Tough Cookie grunted.

“Fuck off and tell that bitch ass nurse to get her ass back here with the shit she said she’d get.” I grumbled grumpily, extra grumpified because I was fucking hungry.

“Why’d she do a damn thing for ya if you’re spittin’ shit like that?” Cookie asked.

“Because she said she would then never came back. Lights. Seriously. Can’t see.”

“Redheart said you were real photosensitive.” The Sheriff chuckled grimly.

“Seriously, it’s not like a mild annoyance. Shit hurts.”

“Deal with it. Who put you in here, Jay? Twilight or Applejack?”

“Don’t know. Last thing I remember is Twilight passing out after information overload though, so prolly AJ.”

“Just gonna throw her under the wagon without a doubt, huh.” Tough Cookie growled.

“If she put me in here, then she deserves it. She’s already proven that she’ll put her hands on me if she doesn’t catch herself, so it’s not far fetched to say that she could have lost her temper over something I said or did.”

“Ya wanna know what actually happened?” Cookie asked bluntly.

“Yeah, actually.”

“Ya said some stuff that AJ took the wrong way, and she took it clear out of town. By the time ya reeled her back in and told her whatcha meant in words she understood, little spitfire was already mad and hurt. Ya fucked up and she fucked up worse, which is why she’s sittin’ in Town Hall’s strongest holdin’ cell until ya figure out whether or not ya wanna press charges.”

“Drop ‘em. Tell her we’re square.”

Cookie snorted. “And what did ya do to her that warranted gettin’ your head busted open?”

“She took care of my brother when I needed her to.”

“... And you’re not even gonna try and get her back?”

I scoffed. “Woman with Applejack’s morals? She’s probably beating herself more than I could and I know Granny’s gonna have words for her, if not a skillet.”

“Apple Family does things a little harsher than ya might think. It’s a cruel thing ta do, not pressin’ charges on her.” Cookie said softly. “Ya might have it rough with your choice in gals, but Applejack’s stuck some kinda way. If she don’t get punished by the law, then The Family steps in.”

“... You know what? Either way she’s getting her just desserts, and I don’t really like the system anyway. Why shouldn’t I-”

“They won’t just brand her.” Cookie cut in.

“... Fuckin’ h'wat?”

“Sometimes ya get branded, sometimes ya get whipped til you’re raw. I done spoke with Granny and I’m askin’ you for a favor here: Don't let that old crone get ahold of Applejack. Let the law do its job and be the bigger man here.”

“Make it dark in here and get that nurse with the pain meds and you got a deal.” I grunted.

She shook my free hand and did as I asked. Once the room was sufficiently dark, Cookie was out of the room, shouting about getting me my shit. She came back and closed the door quietly before coming back to stand beside me once her eyes adjusted to the light. “Alright, should be done soon enough. Gotta say, the glowing eyes are weird.”

“Do what now?”

“Eyes. Glowing.”

“... Weird. Is it a bright glow?”

“Nope, more like a reflection or somethin’.”

“Cool.” There was a soft knock on the door and the woman from last time came in.

She brought me a little paper cup, some water, and an apologetic smile. “I’m so sorry, Mr. Jay, but I’m sure you understand how scary a Vampire can be.

“If I nibble on you, it’s just because I’m hungry and cannibalism is looking like my bnest option right now.” I downed the pills and handed the things back to her.

Redheart gave me an odd look. “When is the last time you ate?”

“How long have I been here?”

She paled. “Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! With the panic from earlier, I didn’t consider that you might be hungry!”

“I am, but how long have I been here though?”

“Today marks the fifth day. Is there anything in particular you want? Her Royal Highness Princess Twilight said to make sure that you had whatever you need when you wake up.”

“I could use a visit from a familiar face, other than the stoic cutie pie over there.” I lazily gestured toward the silent Tough Cookie.

“Fuck off.” She grunted.

Redheart chuckled nervously, just like when she ditched me. “Of course. I’ll write a letter to her as soon as I leave for your food.”

“I hate to rush you, but I feel like my stomach is eating itself.”

“Then let me go grab you a quick snack to tide you over, okay?” Redheart gave me a tender smile.

“Thank you.” I returned her smile with one of my own.

She patted my arm before heading out and Tough Cookie came over to stand by me again. “I’m leavin’.”

“And I was just getting used to your lustful gaze.”

“Bite me, kid.”

“Suck me, Gramma.”

“Shit, I like havin’ dick in my mouth about as much as I like Hollow Night’s Eve.” She grunted harshly.

“I dunno know what that is.”

“Every young person’s favourite holiday. Last year we filled up the drunk tank at the cop shop and overflow went into Town Hall. It’s always fuckin’ messy and every alcohol sellin’ place smells like puke after.”

“Sounds like a good night to stay indoors.” I said, distaste coating my words.

“Smart guy. Be smarter next time you try to talk to one of your women about ‘value’.”

“Tch. I only need to learn a lesson once.” I said bitterly.

Tough Cookie didn’t respond to that for a moment, but when she did respond, she said, “Applejack really does feel somethin’ shitty about hurtin’ you. Don’t expect ya ta talk to her anytime soon, but I’m sure she’s got words for ya.”

“I’m sure she does.” I replied neutrally, getting comfy in bed.

“Right. Keep your head out of your ass.”

“Squirt me out a shot of your titty liquor, will you?”

Tough Cookie snorted. “My husband’s the only one with access, punk.”

“I always did wanna marry an old broad so I could see if old pussy is still tight.” I said, spouting bullshit.

Cookie rolled her eyes, then rolled out without another word. I didn’t have to wait long for Nurse Redheart to come back with my food, though she was insistent that I eat slowly so I didn’t make myself sick, no matter how much I might have wanted to scarf it down. I knew how to handle an empty stomach, so I at the bread first, the jello second, and the rest of the somewhat bland food afterward since I just needed to have things that wouldn’t upset my stomach down first. The painkillers were doing their job well without leaving me too drowsy to stay awake under my own power, but I couldn’t really focus on the book I was reading.

My actual doctor, a woman named Tender Touch, came in a few hours after dinner and diagnosed me with a cracked skull and some magically reversible brian dablage, though she didn’t know why there was a minor MRP in my eyes now. Tender theorized that Applejack bashing my brain jolted some of my mana and it just so happened to pool in my eyes, making my vision perfect, but effectively blinding me during most hours of the day. She wrote me a prescription for a potion that would help unfuck my head, though I was going to have to leave the bandages on for awhile since they were enchanted to speed up the healing process. It meant that I lost a lot of my precious hair, but I was assured that there were hair growth spells. Still, not having my ruddy locks made me feel chilly.

I got to go home the day after the check up, so after I grabbed the free medicine and dope sunglasses, I was on my way to Twilight’s. I wasn’t exactly in a rush since I’d been released in the morning, but I was rather curious as to why Twilight didn’t come to see me in the hospital since she’d evidently been there to give orders. While I was coming up with theories ranging from her being the willing star of a lesbian gangbang to her confessing her true and undying love for Spike and eloping with him, I didn’t notice that a plump woman in her mid-twenties had started walking along side me. I did a double take when I noticed her off to my right side and gave her a quick once over. She was a little chubby, but in fairness, she carried it rather well and she looked like she gave the best fucking hugs. It might have been the behemoths on her chest that had to be E/F-Cups or the fact that she just looked squishy in general. Squishably adorable. She had a cute button nose, lips that were locked in a perpetual smile, and bright blue eyes that reminded me of an Aboriginal Australian’s irises rather than a Caucasian person’s. My tagalog gave me a sidelong glance and a kind smile.

“Figured I might join you on your walk. You don’t mind a little company, do you?” She asked politely.

“Not at all. Name’s-”

“Jameson. I know.” She said, giggling. “I also know that we’re going to Twilight’s so you can learn that she didn’t visit you because she’s embarrassed.”

I stopped and the hot pink, curly-haired woman took a step away from me. I didn’t like how much she knew, so I asked, “Mind if I ask your name?”

She gave me a warm, friendly smile. “Pinkie’s the name and Pie is my game. I’m no good at math, though.”

I chuckled at that, my fears assuaged. “So a friend of some friends? It’s nice to meet you, Pinkie. I’ve already gotten to use your promise to seal a deal or two.”

“Break those promises and I really will shove a cupcake in your eye. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again.” She said cheerfully.

I took another glance at her eyes since that was a weird thing to say, but I didn’t see any madness or anything. I did, however, feel like Pinkie was always going to know more about me than I would about her and that sketched me the fuck out, to be honest. “As one would expect. You know, I’ve heard some whispers about you.”

“Oh? Like what?” She asked interestedly.

“Well, I’ve heard that we have the same opinion on laughing at scary crap, so that’s a little odd.”

Pinkie raised a brow, another smile playing on her lips. “How so?”

“I’m an alien.”

“You look like one of us for the most part. The only things you’re missing are a few extra chromosomes and official citizenship.”

“Looks can be deceiving. Like you for example. You look like a sweet, huggable girl-next-door type, but I know your friends.” I spread my hands.

Pinkie pulled a petulant pout and started walking away from me, so I followed her because she was going where I needed to go anyway. When I caught up to her, she was still pouting. “It’s not fair! I don’t even get to throw you a party and you already think I’m as crazy as a fox!”

“Well, I can’t really party for a few more days and I’d say you seem sane, but all y’all seem sane.”

She lessened her pout. “I can’t really say that there’s anyone out there crazier than our little group, Twilight’s a battalion basher that’s way too in love with you, Applejack’s family is the Arcadian Mob, Rainbow’s a man-hating sadist, Fluttershy drinks blood and has an army of animals, Rarity’s actually pretty normal, but I’m apparently the crazy one because I know things I shouldn’t know and go where I wanna go.”

“Ah, so you’re like the Special Intelligence?” I jibed, trying not to let my trigger finger get too itchy.

Pinkie caught the jab. “I know what that means on Earth, butthead.”

“... Oh.” I said softly. “Well, you’re intel, are you not?”

She gave me a mild look. “Intel and retrieval. There’s nothing I can’t get my hands on, but I don’t usually put anyone down if I don’t absolutely have to.”

“So you’re kinda like a super spy?” I asked, grinning.

Pinkie’s cheeks pinked up a bit and she chuckled. “You could say that, but we’re just the bearers of the Armaments of Amity. It’s kind of our job to do super spy stuff.”

“That’s actually pretty cool. I hope nothing comes up, but if it does, then I hope I can make some useful stuff for you ladies.” I said casually.

“What’s wrong with what we’ve been using?” She asked curiously.

“I dunno, I’ve never seen what you use.”

“Well, are you talking about our usual kits?”

“As far as tactical gear and weaponry, yeah.”

Pinkie giggled like I’d told a joke or something. “I’m sorry, it’s just odd that a guy is into weapons and gadgets.”

“Guys from my planet were like chicks from this one. It might be a bit of a culture shock for you, but trust me when I saw that the flip-flopped, outdated gender roles wear on me.”

“I’m sure it gets old after a little while. Do you wanna talk about it?” She asked warmly.

I gave her a little smile. “I’ll make it. I’m pretty curious about the standard kit though.”

Pinkie chuckled. “Well the standard kit for an Agent of the Crown would be a Nullordian knife or dagger, ten feet of Magitwine, a flask of liquid Bewm-”

“Boom? Seriously?” I asked.

She gasped. “Why I never! I came up with the name! I even spelled it differently!”

“B-E-W-M?” I deadpanned.

Pinkie blushed hard and crossed her arms. “Hush.”

“But what comes after liquid Bewm?” I asked, trying to get some learning done.

She gave me some serious side-eye. “You’re just going to make fun of it.”

I held up a pinkie. “Do I need to promise to specifically not make fun of the weird names for things for the rest of the walk?”

Her vivid blue eyes judged my finger in the judgiest of ways. I felt like my hand was a group of lames in High School and that Pinkie was the bitchiest chick in the shop. “No promise necessary. I’ll trust your word until you give me a reason not to.”

I put my hand down and kept on walking. “So what else is there in the kit?”

She looked me dead in the fucking eye and said, “A Phallusite crystal for hard times.”

“If I’m not allowed to fuck around-”

Pinkie pulled a tiny dick-shaped crystal from her pocket. “When you’re one hundred percent sure that you’re not going anywhere, you chew on this and you take the peaceful route out. It’ll stay between or cheek and gum without being detected, so it’s pretty handy.”

“I swear to Max, if you tell me that it shoots a load of poison down your throat, Imma do a flippin’.”

She shrugged. “I guess I don't have to tell you because you already said it.”

“Fuck off.” I groaned. “Why couldn't it just be some poisonous berry and we could leave it at that?”

“Crystal dicks work better.” She replied amusedly. “You don’t really have to worry about accidentally biting through one unless you’re actually just stupid.”

“Fair enough. What else is there?”

“Well, there are usually vials of Dragon Fire that can be used to send missives, but that’s about it for the standard kit. It usually just depends on what kind of mission you’re going on, in all honesty.”

“I see. So, like, do you guys have long-range killing type stuff?”

Pinkie sighed. “Technology itself has come far, but the only projectile weapons Arcadian laws allow are generally made of wood. Besides, steam powered weapons are only good for war.”

“Any laws on firearms?”

She gave me an odd look. “I know what they are, but where you plan on getting one is a whole different story.”

“Mine should be with Twilight, if my guess is correct. That, and TB gave me one, so that’s cool too.”

“... Max let you have guns?” Pinkie asked, astounded. You know the Torch Bearer? Huh.

“... Yeah?”

“... Wow. Uh… Keep the knowledge of how to make more to yourself. Do us both a favor.”

“Yeah, no problem. Not like I really wanna give away my secret weapon anyway. I kinda need something to level the playing field, you know?” I said quietly.

Pinkie nodded solemnly, her hair doing something kind of odd. It seemed to be going from tight, Shirley-Curlies (Shirley Temple curls) to a Twilight-like straightness. “I get it. Trust me, a special friend of mine was paranoid too, but he found a way to overcome the people who might have kept him down.”

I raised a brow and nudged her. “Special friend? Got someone to hold at night, do ya?”

She let the topic change, though she gave me an odd look. “Don’t tell me that you’re interested.”

I chuckled. “I would be if I hadn't just learned that you get more than what you bargain for three times over.”

“Ah, at least you’re learning.” Pinkie giggled. “For the record, the only person in the group who uses a ranged weapon during most missions is Applejack, and that’s just a slightly better than average slingshot.”

“Anyone use a bow?” I asked interestedly.

“Fluttershy and I can both shoot pretty well, but I’m better at close range and she can hit a bottle from a hundred paces.”

“... I can work with that.” I said darkly.

“Scary!” Pinkie giggled, her hair curling back up.

“Yo, is your hair magic or something?” I asked.

She nodded. “Yup. Isn’t it just the coolest?”

“It’s pretty interesting. What does it look like when it’s completely straight?” I asked, hoping she’d show me.

Pinkie made a face. “Hope you don’t see it like that. It usually means things are about to get painted in primary colors, specifically yellow and red.”

“... Why yellow?” I asked.

“You’d be surprised with how many people who kill others for a living fear for their own lives like nothing else. I’ve seen more grown men and women wet themselves than children.” She sighed.

“Hard to believe, but not impossible. I’d be more surprised if you said brown was on that list.”

“I’d laugh, but that would be cruel. Brown is on the list.”

“Ah.”

“Right. So who’s your favorite so far?”

“Beg pardon?”

“Who’s your favorite girlfriend?” Pinkie reiterated.

“... Not answering that one.” I said, choosing the wisest path.

“Smart answer.” Pinkie chuckled softly. “So who scares you the most? I’m assuming that it’s Applejack right now.”

“... Yeah, it kinda has to be. If she wants blood after this, then she might kill me and Ty. Twilight promised to never hurt me, and she doesn’t really have a reason to kill Ty as long as I play nice, so there’s always that.”

The blue-eyed woman gave me another strange look. “You know Applejack probably won’t stop apologizing until you make her, right? She feels terrible about hurting you.”

“Ya know? I don’t even really hold a grudge like that. If she’s sincere about losing her cool then it’s cool, but Ty’s comin’ in behind me and I can’t tell him not to swing at her. I’d do it for him, even if he swept it under the rug. It’s just how we roll.”

“That’s sostupid.” Pinkie said drily, her voice sounding like pink is supposed to for some weird reason. Magic pens are fun, in any case.

“You know what else is stupid? Walking everywhere. Shit sucks.”

“Not everyone likes riding horses.”

“Not everyone can, but I’m talking about cars and shit. Automobiles. Carriages that move by themselves.” I explained.

“I know what they are, but those are pretty much the laziest things I’ve ever seen.” She replied, giggling.

“Ay, I just don’t like taking forever to get somewhere. The journey’s important and all, but the destination needs to be top priority.”

“Oh? So you wouldn’t want to take a quick little detour for a free smoothie?” Pinkie teased.

“Depends on the smoothie, but pretty much.”

“There’s a vanilla-blackberry that’s been selling well at Sugarcube Corner~” She sang.

I gave her a funky look. “Are you in the mood for a smoothie or something?”

“Yep!”

“... Sure, let’s go.” I said, caving easy since it didn’t seem like a source of hidden bullshit to me.

The detour turned into a pretty long conversation over a couple of smoothies, actually, and I didn’t get drugged, so that was pretty fuckin' dope. Pinkie’s ability to carry a conversation suited her well, and she knew when to let off the pressure when she started digging into my personal life. She answered all of my questions to whatever depth I felt like going to, and I was pretty sure that she was answering honestly, which was weird because I didn’t hesitate to fuck with her a little to see how it would go.

While we were talking, I randomly reached over and squeezed Pinkie’s bicep, which earned me a funny look. I gave her a dopey smile and asked, “Are you soft everywhere, or is it only the good bits?”

Pinkie flexed and I felt some muscle under the layer of extra cushioning. “Are you calling me fat, buster!?”

I tilted my head at her. “I was trying to lead up to asking for a hug,” I said, bailing on my idea, “but if you think I’m calling you fat, then we can talk about that.”

Pinkie waited for me to say something else. “... So you’re not calling me fat?”

“No, I’m not.”

“Good. Women might not be as sensitive about their weight as men, but we still care.” Pinkie sniffed.

I raised a brow. “Do you think I’m fat?”

She smirked at me. “If the belt doesn’t fit…”

“You bitch.” I said, chuckling.

She poked my side and I started. “Ah-ha! Mr. Ticklish, are we?”

“Ay, I’ll get you back. I don’t give two of whatever matters least; I’ll take you down, woman.”

Pinkie giggled. “A C-Class Medeis going against a Triple A-Class Mundusian is actually comical.”

I decided to try something and tried finding my center while appearing not to do it. “You know what? My people had a lot of obstacles to overcome, and we did it through technology. Now that I also have magic on my side, the world is fucked.”

“Watch your language in my shop.” A passing Mrs. Cake chastised.

“Yes Ma’am.” I called after her, getting a casual wave for my effort. I turned back to Pinkie and continued. “Seriously, though. I have a feeling that I can go pretty far here based on the tools I have.”

She smiled at me, but it didn’t feel ominous, and it seemed to be free of any lurking demons. “That’s good to hear, Jay. I hope you’re happy, even if it has been rough starting out.”

I gave her a little grin in turn. “I’ll be happier when I get my brother back. Who knows? Maybe we’ll find him a good girl that can make him keep it in his pants.”

Pinkie gave me a doubtful look. “I know your brother every bit as well as you do, Jay, and that’s not a good thing. Ty will probably get you kicked out of town, if not Arcadia all together.”

“Jay and Ty versus the world.” I said stonily.

Pinkie placed a hand on my shoulder and kept a little smile on her face, even after I poked her with magic in my fingers. “I’ll help you, Jay. You’re the kind of crazy that I don’t mind dealing with, so I’ll look out for Ty when I can so you stay the good kind of loopy.”

I gave her a look. “Thanks, Sweets. ‘Preciate it.”

“No problem, Sugar Pole.” She giggled.

“Pinkie!” Mrs. Cake admonished from nearby. It’s not like she ever got that far in the first place. “Don’t go around calling young gentlemen things like that in my shop!”

“Sorry, Boss.” Pinkie sighed.

Mrs. Cake actually huffed and gave Pinkie a stiff look. “Keep it up, young lady. I’ll have you whipping up all the icing for the next week!”

“Aw, come on! You know I like making icing!”

“Exactly.” Mrs. Cake deadpanned.

I didn’t quite get it, but Pinkie grumbled to herself and I let it go anyway. On the flip side, we finished our smoothies and I was on my way to Twilight’s solo instead of having a friendly partner tagging along. I was actually pretty fond of Pinkie since she reminded me a lot of one of my exes, just less gossipy. Hell, the gossiping was a part of why I broke up with her, but then again she also slept with my brother. Lotta bitches did that, to be honest.

In any case, I got to Twilight’s with time in the day to spare since I hadn’t really spent that long with Pinkie in the first place, and I’d been released early enough to get a good bit of shit done. When I knocked on the door, Twilight herself answered with a deer-in-the-headlights look that made me feel a little strange. I figured I could try pushing my luck and folded my arms, fixing her with a glare that made the poor little nerd wince. I reminded myself that the little nerd was basically Monika: not just crazy, J U S T M O N I K A, y'know?

“Well well well, who do we have here?” I said patronizingly.

“J-Jay I-I-I-” Twilight stammered, panicking hard.

“I missed you yesterday, you know that?” I interrupted. “Woke up, sent a letter for you, and you just ain’t gonna show up? Couldn’t pull rank and slip in after visiting hours since you were apparently too busy to stop by and see if I was out of my mind?”

The blank look returned to her face. “... What?”

“Is that really all you have to say for yourself? My egg might be scrambled and you’re just like, ‘What?’?”

Twilight tilted her head. “Does not compute. You should be upset at me for not protecting you from Applejack.”

“You were unconscious when she got ahold of me. Not mad at you for that, I’m mad at you for the thing you could actually control, you nut butt.” I grumbled irritably.

“... So you’re not mad that I didn’t protect you?” She asked.

“No, I’m not.” I answered tersely.

“... But you are mad that I didn’t come to see you in the hospital?”

“Rather salty, actually.” I said matter-of-factly.

“I don’t get it.” Twilight replied, her voice indicative of possible mental handicaps.

I glared at her a little harder and she winced again. “You’re in the doghouse, woman.”

“... Can I convince you to not be mad?” She tried sheepishly.

“Easily. Make your legs smoother and give me an hour of snuggling.” I answered, my tone brokering no bargaining.

“I thought guys like girls that didn’t do hair removal spells?” Twilight asked.

“Back on Earth, guys generally appreciated shaved legs. I don’t mind if you go all natural, but I do appreciate the extra effort.” I paused for a moment. “And it’ll be the quickest way to make me forgive you.”

Twilight blinked and snapped her fingers. “Done. What does two hours of snuggling buy me?”

“A trip to wherever Ty is.” I tried valiantly.

“... How’s that for me at all?” Twilight asked, her voice dipping into the bad zone again.

“It’s not, but it’s something I really want. It’s already been a week.”

She levelled an unreadable look at me. I’d liken it to staring at a path filled with glass, tacks, gangrene, and lemon juice-sprinkled syringes, to be honest. “What are you willing to do if I make that happen?”

I had some high cards in my hand, and if I played them right, I could use them again. I held onto my Joker and the Ace, gazing between the King, Queen, and Jack. I slid the Queen across the table and offered Twilight my hands, meeting her dick-shriveling stare with as much bullshit around my spine as I could muster. As stupid as it sounds, it helped me initiate contact with Twilight and get negotiations started.

“I want you to get something you want out of this. Give me a few things and we’ll see-” I said.

“I want a lock of your hair.” Twilight demanded, her voice carrying weight her small frame had no business with.

“... Not saying no here, just asking why.” I said soothingly.

Twilight’s pupils formed hearts and turned pink, which was a fuckin’ trip. “I’m going to have to share you, but if I make a doll, I can have it all to myself!”

“The only thing I’ll ever ask regarding what you do with my hair is that you don’t use it to control me magically. Like, I don't want you to be feeling your doll up in all the wrong places while I’m trying to walk down the street.” I said lightly, smiling and chuckling for a fair bit of it.

There was a minute pout on her lips, but her eyes were still good to go. “Aww… Well, I guess it’s a little early to be entrusting our entire bodies to each other, isn’t it?”

I wanted to tell her that she was psych-o-like-no-bitchass-n*gga-so when you see the D-O-double-G sneak creep low, but I have sense. “A little… Apparently I trust you enough to sleep next to you, so we were making progress.” Her eyes held fields of rape, but I couldn’t tell if it was the crop or the crime in the moment, so I played the Jack to sweeten the pot. “Once we’re over this little bump, I’m sure we’ll grow closer for it.” I ended with a kiss to her cheek, despite her rigid posture.

When I pulled back, Twilight was looking at me coolly, but I was still in the line of fire. She cleared my cards from the table with a cold reset that sounded like, “I’ll do what I want with the doll, but I won’t make a bound doll from it. If I do something you don’t like with the doll; your feelings on the matter are negligible.”

I gave her a hurt look. “I don’t object to you doing what you want with your possessions, but you’re being a little harsh here, Purps.”

She didn’t give a fuck. “I want a set of pictures of you. I’m sure you know what boudoir photos are.”

“No clue.”

“You’ll find out then.” Twilight answered coldly.

I wanted to slap her so, so bad that it made my hand ache to not put it across her face, but I needed to use her to get to Ty. I was about to force out my acceptance of her terms when I heard, ‘I’ll fucking slap you if you say yes to that.’

“No.” I replied softly.

“It’s either ‘yes’ or you see Ty when he’s allowed to come back to Magiville.” She responded icily.

Max interfered for a reason, and he told me to keep my wits about me for the same reason. I shoved my hands in my pockets and stared Twilight down with the bravest face I had, lifting my chin as a challenge. “I’m worried about Ty, but my dignity is worth something. Don’t talk to me like that, Twilight. I don’t care if you don’t help me get to my brother: don’t disrespect me for no reason.”

As it turns out, TB’s seemingly suicidal implied directions worked out for the best. Twilight’s eyes lost the shadows of the carnivorous warhorse and gained a font of fear. “I-I just got carried away is all!” She chuckled nervously and started wringing her hands. “Sometimes I just like to pretend to be mean, you know? Keeps people on their toes!” She chuckled some more.

I levelled a look at her and worked the pissed-off bitch angle to the best of my ability, tossing the King down. “I think I’ll see you tomorrow.” I said flatly.

Twilight’s face fell and her posture slumped visibly over the course of a few seconds. “... You’re leaving already? B-But what about-”

I silenced her with a kiss, slamming the Joker on the table and grabbing my cards and one of Twilight’s in the process. “I’m upset with you. I’m angry, I still feel hurt, and now I feel like you think you own me. I’m gonna go home, sleep on it, and we’ll talk tomorrow over some tea or somethin’. We’re not over, Twilight, but when you ‘pretend’ to be mean, it’s just… It’s upsetting, and that’s all I’m going to say because sayin’ more is gonna end in swearing. Not the point of me saying all this.”

Twilight held my arms tightly, distress painted on her face. “... You’re not going to leave me, right? We- We haven’t even been together that long!”

“I’m not leaving you,” I soothed, trying to be wise, “but I am going home. I love you Twilight. I’ll see you in the afternoon.” I freed myself from her grasp and went on a little walk. It really wasn’t far from Twilight’s house to my shop, so I made it there pretty fast and headed into the apartment above the workplace.

I hadn’t actually made it upstairs during the last time I’d visited, but upon seeing the place, I was mildly impressed. The rooms were Jack and Jill style, so I wouldn’t have to worry about Ty bitching at me for taking the bigger room, and the funky fucker would have his own bathroom, so that was dope and all. The bed in my room was a queen and the nightstands on either side were nice, but I didn’t give two shits about the furniture. My bag was on my bed and inside was my gun and dope, so I figured the first thing I would do would be get high and make a real holster for my gun.

I had a fucktonne of leather in a big, thick roll, so I went looking for some leather shears in my multitude of tools and bullshit. After I actually found them, I got started on the task at hand and idly considered how acting like the woman in the relationship had made Twilight fall in line when she was getting out there. I wondered if I needed to test the theory that kept plaguing my mind, and I couldn’t help but ponder the odd event as I cut out the general shape my mind spat out for the raw shape of my little project.

Come to think of it, I don’t think most people are going to get what I mean when I say my mind spits out designs. Apparently most people don’t see things the way I do, but I honestly don’t get it. Breaking shit down and building it again, making adjustments, mapping out designs; it’s all always come naturally to me. However, whatever the fuck kinda talent I got doesn’t matter for shit if I don’t have the right shit to do shit with. I mean, like, shit. Not having a needle for leather was a big setback, but I did have the leather thread, so that was nice. I figured I could just use one of my thicker augers to pierce holes wide enough to hand-thread the string through, but then I realized that I had a magic tool that seemed like a lovely little multitasker. I mean, why have expensive tools if you don’t use them, am I right?

I grabbed the portable ATD and tried doing the most obvious thing I could, which was focusing on my heart, trying to pull the magic out, and send it into my hand so I could punch holes with the thingy, but in style. It worked pretty damned well and I ended up making another holster, but this time it was an underarm style one. With plenty of leather to spare and the will to do some trial and error, it only took me three attempts to make something comfortable, and most of my scrap could be made into thread, so wins abound and shit.

With my weapon carriers out of the way, I decided to find Max’s gift since it seemed pertinent to not be a fucktard and actually check it out. I’d left it upstairs on my bed since I didn’t need it for anything at the time, but when I got it, I noticed that I only had five rounds. Two of them immediately got saved, and I took two bullets out of my glock so I could figure out how to make more at a later date, but for the time being, I did some inspections on TB’s odd clockwork revolver and if I had to hazard a guess, then I would say that the bullet that went along with the gun were made to blow fack fuckering faces off, along with entire heads. If it wasn’t a fifty calibre, then it was probably even fucking larger and I really didn’t know what the holy fuck he expected me to do with a weapon like that. I’ve shot a Deagle before and I couldn’t hit shit. I can barely go positive on my hit/miss ratio with Ty’s .357, and the main reason I can shoot my glock with no problems is because I've ran hundreds of rounds through it and tried a few different springs. There was no way I was going to be able to shoot the gun (Realistically, at least) without enchanting it or some shit, but the task I really needed to hop to was getting my ammo situation sorted.

Then my stomach growled and I realized that I’d just told my meal ticket to go fuck herself in nice words. I still had the Twily coin on me, so I figured I’d head into the market and see if someone had some snackables anywhere. Murphy’s law was being a little bitch, and I learned that the market only stays open until noon, which I’d passed with Pinkie. That meant that I was going to have to get food from a restaurant or something since the General Store didn’t really sell perishable food. I could’ve gotten some shitty cookies or something, but fuck that.

I asked around and got hit on until I let the ladies know that I was claimed, but in the end I still found the best diner in town. Most of the people I talked to said it was the best because it was fattening and cheap, so I had my hopes nice and high for a taste of some Maxdamn cholesterol so I could stay true to the Tennessean within. I had to cross town to get to the somewhat dumpy looking establishment, but it was a classic diner in many senses. I think the only thing it lacked was the neon sign, but everything else was on point, and upon walking into the joint, I could tell that I was about to have a good time. I sat down at the counter and a brunette woman who seemed to be in her mid or upper twenties came by while I was giving the menu a look. I didn’t have a chance to say anything to her before she poured an opaque beige liquid into a mug and set it on a saucer in front of me. I took a moment to get a good look at her and was interested from the start. She had beautiful dark blue eyes and a perma-smile forever slightly curving her lips, making her look like she was enjoying her life as it was. Her wavy locks were tied at the end, but the bangs she tried to keep out of hers eyes as she poured wouldn’t stay where she blew them. It was an oddly attractive little quirk that I’d seen Fluttershy do once or twice, and I couldn’t help but like it in this woman as well.

“What’s with the mystery beverage?” I asked civilly.

She gave me a little smile. “Your aura says you need something for a clear mind and inspiration. My little brew should do you a favor or two.”

I grabbed the drink and gave it a shot, not letting my eyes leave the somewhat slim woman. I couldn't see that well over the counter, but she was definitely easy on the eyes and her voice was pleasant to hear. Whatever the was, it wasn’t bad, though I wondered how she knew that I’d appreciate the bitterness of dark coffee and cacao when the notes came through. “Alright, so you’re obviously a magic lady. Might have to come here more often if I can expect made-to-order potions without even having to say a word.”

The waitress gave me a warm smile. “I only do it for special people, so don’t go spreading it around, okay?”

I returned her smile with an easy-going one of my own. “Yeah, I gotcha. Say, mind if I ask your name? I’m Jameson, but the people I like call me Jay.”

“I’m Coffee Cup.” She answered, her words not ringing true. Her tone changed and she averted her gaze when she said it, her smile becoming a little more strained, so it wasn’t a surprise when she said, “So do you know what you want to order? I’m only good at guessing drinks; meals aren’t really my thing most of the time”

I gave her a look, but then I realized that all of the looks that I’d been giving people ever since I left the hospital were being missed because of the damn sunglasses. “Alright, I just realized that you can’t see the look I’m givin’ you, but I’m givin’ you a look. I’ll have a burger and some fries, Coffee Cup.”

She chuckled nervously. “Right. I’ll go have them start that for you.”

“Thanks, Sweets.” I said casually, giving some thought as to why ‘Coffee Cup’ wanted to keep her name a secret. It wasn’t a problem so much as an annoyance, but I figured that she didn’t want me stalking her or something.

I waited around until my food came, and let me fucking tell you, boi. Shit. Was. Dope. As good as Granny’s cooking was, nothing beats grease, salt, fat, and bacon. While I was attacking my burger with all the manners I could manage, I couldn’t help but notice that ‘Coffee Cup’ kept shooting me glances when she thought I wasn’t looking, but what the silly girl didn’t know was that I was bored as fuck and my peripheral vision is beyond Human levels of fleek, though that word died like, thirty years ago. I didn’t have to turn my head to keep an eye on her most of the time, and when I did, it’s not like I looked directly at her. While I was lowkey creepin’, I was digging the fuck out of the generous portion of fries on my plate, and when I barreled through them, I was super okay with whatever price I was going to have to pay for my food.

When ‘Coffee Cup’ returned with a receipt, I was confused, which was mostly because she waited until I reached for it to rip it to pieces. “Men with good auras don’t pay in my diner.”

I gave her a puzzled smile. “I don’t see how my aura is better than anyone else’s.”

“That’s because you can’t see it.” She chuckled, giving me an apologetic smile. “Your aura tells me a lot of things about you, and I think that the verdict this time is good.” ‘Coffee Cup’ leaned over the counter and gestured for me to give her my ear, so I complied. “I’ll always have a spot ready for you, so come back soon, okay?”

I returned to my seat and gave her an odd look. “Why give me a fake name if you want me to come back?”

She just smiled and waved goodbye as she went back to work, leaving me with a full stomach and a full mind. I downed the rest of the tasty beverage she’d made for me and went back home without being interrupted again, and since I had time on my hands, I thought about whether or not Coffee Cup was trying to honeypot me or something. She seemed genuine, and I couldn’t pick up any hints of romantic interest coming from her, so I hoped that she was just trying to be a generous friend.

With thoughts of the attractive woman in my mind, I got back into my shop and started reading some of the books that Twilight had left for me, starting from the basics of magic. I wasn’t terribly sure, but I was pretty sure that I’d told her that I wouldn’t fuck off and do magic without her around to supervise, so I fucked off and read up on engraving runes and enchanting shit because that was supposed to be considerably safer for me. The first book I grabbed, Applied Artificery, was interesting to say the least. It was mostly a guide on how to get your mana to flow into your hands, which was apparently hard for most Medeis because of their MRP. Apparently my particular heart MRP was perfect for Artificery since I can focus on my heartbeat with ease, and an ATD will only hold so much mana in one go, so I can’t accidentally drain myself by pumping too much into an engraving. I also learned that the depth of the engraving matters, and that I can actually make an ATD that will let me free-flow my mana through it so that I can maximize the power of a rune. Sadly, I didn’t have any books on Alchemy, so I wrote a note to myself and tried to memorize it so I’d remember to ask Twilight about Alchemy at an appropriate time.

Instead of fucking around and doing nothing, I decided to get started on my craft and whipped out my haunted-ass Flitch so I could try Artificerizing it. I had the portable ATD in my hand when I realized that I couldn’t afford to fuck up my favorite knife, so I looked around the shop and found a hammer with a wooden handle. After digging through a runic encyclopedia, I found one that would let me change the color of the wood depending on the final mark I made, so I got to work with the steadiest hands I could manage, throwing all of my focus into the one simple task. I shunted out thoughts of my brother, worries about Twilight, concerns with Applejack, uncertainty with Fluttershy, and thoughts of the oddly sane Pinkie. I say oddly sane because her friends called her crazy, but I digress and shit. I fucked that rune up eight times before I got it right, and even then I fucked up the color of the hammer. I ended up sanding it down so the thing would still be usable, but instead of practicing more with tools around the shop, I started looking through my scrap collection to take subjects and samples to experiment with. I turned a dirty looking crystal floppy and squishy, made a ball bearing heavier through the power of fucking magic or some shit, and turned that Maxdamn hammer blue. All in all, I made some progress in the way of Artificying and I already had a few ideas about weaponry and shit.

It was pretty late by the time I’d gotten through with all of my shit, but the meal I’d had at the diner whose name I’d forgotten at the time was sticking to my ribs well enough that I didn’t really feel the need to go find something else to snack on. I also wasn’t really all that tired, and since it was late, it wasn’t as bright as it had been earlier, which is fuckin’ obvious. Still, shit’s important because it meant that I could put my sunglasses on my head and let my eyes rest for a little while in what I would’ve assumed to be near total darkness. There was a streetlamp nearby outside, but that didn’t matter for shit in the back of my shop. In fact, my eyes actually felt better than they had all day and that was about it for my revelations until I wondered if I should go to sleep. I wasn’t exactly tired and I wanted to get some more studying done, so I did what I just said I’d do. Don’t think it really bears repeating.

Instead of beating my meat into a peanut butter and crack sandwich (I took full inventory of the shit I stole from Big Mac. Dude had rocks, glass and deskit), I found something interesting that Twilight might not have wanted me to know about quite yet in one of the advanced textbooks. It wasn’t anything special, actually. In fact, it wasn’t even glaringly obvious, but it was a subsection on something I’d been a little interested in ever since I heard that I could do fuckin’ magic. Blood Magic was interesting, and in The Artificer's Curse: The Princess’ Armorer it was made evident that Blood Magic and Artificery intertwined on more occasions than one might think. For example, a small bowl of blood in a bowl of whatever material you wanted to make something out of would give you boolet if you had the right rune for it. I actually had a few lead crucibles that weren’t being used for anything and I had no problem with giving a little for the cause.

As it turned out getting the initial rune down was harder than I fucking thought, and that took ten attempts over the course of about three hours to get right. Just to add to the little shit that made life suck, I had to perfectly picture a diagram of a bullet to get more than one big, misshapen piece of shit. I couldn’t even melt down my failures since I could see a primer on them, but my successes were exactly what I needed. I only had two lead crucibles left by the time I was done and I was a little woozy, but there was a well stocked first aid kit in my downstairs bathroom, and years of patching up Ty’s friends due to being the only boy who knew how to sew in the hood lead me to being decent at laying sutures. Youtube was my best friend when it came to actually laying sutures instead of just making sure something would heal well enough to not get infected. After I made sure that I wasn’t going to bleed out or catch an infection, I closed up the downstairs shop and went to sleep, but now doesn’t really seem like a good time to end the chapter… Hold on.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

Alright, that looks pretty cool. I had to search through my stamp collection to find them, but it’s not like I didn’t know which three I like more than most. Anyway, the next day started bright and early at the tasty hour of nine, though I’d only gone to bed at like, four. Five hours of rest got me to where I needed to be for my day to start out good enough, and inspecting my kitchenette upstairs helped it along a little further once I saw that I actually had some non-perishable food stored in some of my cabinets. I ate a few dry cookies and made some tea before heading downstairs to get started on taking inventory of all the things I actually had, but when I went downstairs, I noticed that one of the few pieces of empty space I had in my shop had been filled with an odd machine that seemed all too familiar.

Someone done gave me a barrel rifler. It apparently had multiple gauges, and I could feel my erection press against my zipper in the worst of ways, but it didn’t stop my hype from building. I had some plans for the thing, but first I had to go buy a bottle of bourbon to go thank Maximus for his gift since there was no one else who could have possible known what the thing was for since there apparently weren’t guns on Arcadia.

Then I had an idea.

During my studies during the evening and through a good portion of the night, I learned how to make an acceleration pad-type engraving, but I’d thought nothing of it until my Brain Blast, to quote a whippy-dipped dude. I immediately grabbed my Glock, disassembled it casually since I wasn’t trying to rush, and got ahold of the barrel. The handheld ATD was narrow enough at its tip to get inside and do a little work, but I had to do my best surgeon impersonation to get it right, and even when I did, the barrel of my gun only warmed slightly since the enchantment was weak. However, I’d been anticipating some trouble, so I made the Rune linkable, which was like, one of the top five tips in The Artificer's Handbook. If you made your rune attachable to another, then you could actually get shit done with small runes in hard to reach places. I attached the rune from the inside of the barrel to a new rune on the empty space of the grip that I don’t touch since I’m right handed, and I added another rune to the slide and tried to link it like that, and much to my surprise, I actually managed to link that one to the first one. I didn’t know how much faster my bullets would fly and I didn’t have a way to see how much magic I put behind my runes, so I stopped putting off my talk with Twilight and got actually got ready for my day.

The trip over to Twilight’s took no time, and when I knocked on her door, Spike answered with a worried look on his face. “Dude.”

“Suh dood.” I replied. “Is Twilight home?”

“Dude! She’s been wigging out ever since you left yesterday! Are you leaving her or something?” Spike asked desperately, trying to find an answer.

I raised a brow at him. “I’ll talk her down, bruh, so don’t sweat it. Might wanna take a long walk and visit a friend or two though.”

He gave me a puzzled look for way too long for me to consider him smart. “Oh! Oh. Oh… I-I’m gonna do that now, I guess.” Spike sputtered.

I clapped him on the shoulder and gave him the smile I usually give Ty when I’m making him do something for his own good. “I don’t have spare cash to give ya, but you’re welcome to poke around in my shop and see if you can make anything interesting. Just try not to break everything.”

“I’m more of a literary kinda guy. I think I’ll probably just see if the bookstore has any new novels.” He scratched his head and I stood aside so he could leave, and with that, I entered in his stead to face the mighty beast that is the mostly adorable little geek.

It was pretty bright inside the library, all things said, so I flipped lights off as I went along because it was bright enough outside and it’s pointless to waste energy like that unless you actually need to. I didn’t see a need, thus I acted as I saw fit as I meandered through Twilight’s house until I went up to her room. After knocking on the door a few times and not getting an answer, I let myself in and came face-to-face with a wild-eyed, purple-haired human that looked like she wanted to sell her soul to Max for something or other.

“Hi there. Got time to talk?” I asked casually.

“Jay I’m so sorry!” Twilight clutched my shirt and brought herself closer. The smell of wine was heavy on her breath, but she wasn’t drunk. “Please! I didn’t mean to upset you or disrespect you, I-I-I-”

I flashed Twilight my Ace and put a finger on her lips to silence her. “Do you regret it?”

I removed my finger. “Yes!” She cried piteously.

I put my hands on her arms and brought her in for a hug. “Please try not to talk to me like that in the future. I can understand that you were too embarrassed to face me when I was in the hospital, but disrespecting me for trying to see my brother doesn’t make any sense to me, and it’s hurtful.”

Twilight gripped me tightly. “I’ll take you to see him in a couple days, I promise! I-I’ll do anything, Jay-”

“Bae, Purps; the only thing you have to do to earn my forgiveness is be genuine about trying to fix the mistakes so they don’t pop up too often. Relax, take a deep breath, and chill out a little, aight?”

She leaned against my chest and I held her there for a few minutes before she said, “I expected you to leave me anyway.”

“... There are still a few things I’m trying to move past with our relationship, like the whole Princess thing, but I think we’ll get there. If nothing else, we’ll make it work for as long as we want it to.” I said softly.

Her voice took on a sinister tilt with, “How long do you want it to work?”

I checked my hand and saw the King sitting high and mighty, so I punched a hole in it and tied a string through the card. “Until I pump you so full of cum and confusion that you cry question mark-shaped tears of semen.”

She pushed me away and I gave her a goofy smile. “Of all the times to be serious you choose that one to be an idiot!?” She snapped.

I maintained my course. “I don’t know how long we’ll be together, Twilight. It could be until you break up with me after I finish this sentence, or it could be until I pass away and your Sanguis blood keeps you going. We just don’t know.”

“I asked you what you wanted, not what you thought.” Twilight said, her eyes holding the demon horse again.

I swallowed my fear and said, “I hope we last until I’m grey and gone, but I don’t think hopes ever count for much.”

“So you’re a nihilist.” She said flatly.

“I’m a realist, and I realistically understand that the future isn’t promised, as much as we might wish that it was.” I said softly.

Twilight cooled off and hugged herself. “... Would it be too much to ask for another kiss?”

“Are you going to take it the wrong way and assume that I’m leaving you?” I joked gently.

She gave me a pouty little look. “Are you gonna make me apologize for that too?”

“It’d amuse me to no end, but no.” I closed the distance between us and gave Twilight another kiss, allowing her to wrap her arms around my neck as I held onto her.

We ended up snuggling for awhile, but I got Twilight to actually bathe since she had neglected to do so earlier and got her to come to Fluttershy’s with me. She was actually happy to go see her friend for a few hours, and when we arrived at Fluttershy’s place, it was even nicer to see that Flutters was wearing a loose, free flowing blouse and some tight jeans that made her ass look great. I mean, Twilight’s ass was nicer, but Fluttershy’s ass was higher off of the ground, and I like tall girls for some odd reason. I just do. Though I have to admit that the fun-size ones are pretty great too. Look, I’m not terribly particular, okay?

When we were settled down in Fluttershy’s living room with some the living room, Twilight opened the conversation by saying, “I don’t think Applejack needs a second chance. She could have seriously hurt Jay.”

Before I could say anything, Fluttershy was already nodding along, saying, “I agree. Applejack needs to learn how to treat a man before she gets one. I think she should try dating someone from Dirksdale to see just how nice Jay is for being a guy.”

“Are guys dicks or something around here?” I asked, making a face.

“They are when they're from Dirksdale.” The ladies chorused.

Twilight continued with an explanation. “Guys from Dirksdale usually go out and hunt for wives so they can bring them back and make them work in whatever business they might be running. There’s no minimum wage on what you pay your spouse, but you do have to pay them at least once a week, so most of those Dirksdale cretins will only pay in single bits so their wives can’t afford a divorce. It works both ways since slags,” She spat the word bitterly, so I assumed it was a heavy slur, “from Aeriopolis like to do it in an even worse way. They’ll save up and buy a business out of the clouds and set up shop there, but when they start marrying, they’ll return to Aeriopolis and leave their husbands pining for their love. It’s a shame that should be illegal, but if the spouse being taken advantage of doesn’t testify, then nothing happens.”

“... I am so lucky.” I muttered.

“You really are.” Twilight said. “Even if things don’t always go well for you, you’re still dodging arrows left and right.”

“It’s harder to dodge a bullet, and I’ve been missing those pretty well too.” I chuckled. I raised my cup of tea and said, “To good luck and good fortune; may Maximus push a little bit of both our way.”

“Maximus?” Fluttershy asked, raising her own cup of tea.

“The Creator.” Twilight clarified as she mimicked us. “Jay knows him personally.”

“Everyone on Earth has talked to him at least once. I mean, it’s not like he and I are butt buddies or anything, and I doubt we’re friends.” I scratched my cheek before sipping my shit.

“He gave you that odd thing, didn’t he?” Twilight asked.

My eyes lit up and I whisked the note I’d written to myself from my pocket. “Alchemy! I want to learn how to do equivalent exchange so I can reproduce things without havin’ to go through the process of makin’ ‘em all over again!”

Fluttershy tittered and Twilight gave me an odd look. “... Your Mana Mark is in Artificery. Why do you want to dabble in Alchemy?”

I blinked at her. “I just said why.”

“... Isn’t half the fun of making something new figuring out how to do it again?” Twilight asked curiously.

I tilted my head at her. “Do you not make schematics as you go along?”

“Well, yes, but-”

“If you detail your notes well enough for the draft that actually works, then you should know how to make it work again. And, if you create something complicated, then the hours that go into creating something like that again would be counterproductive. It’ll be a trade secret to be sure, but it’ll be a useful skill to have.” I elaborated.

Fluttershy chimed in. “I think Jay just wants to use Alchemy like you do. I doubt he’s ever going to dive into potion making or the Dark Arts.”

Twilight frowned at Flutters. “There’s a reason you have to have a license to practice Alchemy, Fluttershy.” She looked at me. “I’ll draw you up a limited Alchemical circle, but you need to promise me that you’ll never use it to counterfeit or let anyone else use it for that purpose.”

“Make it so that only I can use it and it won’t be a problem.” I replied. “I’ve got a few ideas for cool trinkets, and I think they’ll sell well if I can make a couple of them so that I can sell them in pairs.”

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Okay… Just… Don't do anything obviously dumb, okay? And give me some time to get you a few books on Alchemy before you start trying to do anything with it, alright? And-”

“Twilight, I won’t do anything until you think I can handle it. I tried making some runes since you said it was safe, but I still haven’t tried to actually cast a spell or anything yet.”

I piqued the interest of both of my ladies. “Oh? Did you get your first rune to work, or are you still trying to get a handle on engraving?” Twilight asked interestedly.

I tilted my head at her. “I’ve already gotten a few things to work. Figured out a couple of weight based runes, a color rune or two, got a harden and soften rune respectively, and figured out how to link my stuff. If distance wasn’t a problem, I’d just start engraving runes into sheet metal.” I chuckled.

Twilight’s jaw dropped as Fluttershy cheered quietly. “Yay! You’re making so much progress so fast!”

I turned my attention to Fluttershy since she was the one talking. “Thanks, Fluttercup, but it’s been smooth sailing so far. I figured it would take me a lot longer to get the hang of it, but for some weird reason, I only need about fifteen to half an to practice a rune before I get it right if it's completely new.”

Purps choked, making us look at her and ask if she was okay simultaneously. Twilight assured us that she was fine after clearing her throat and said, “Jameson, can you show me something you’ve enchanted?”

I pulled the little ball bearing out of my pocket and tossed it to her, though Twilight caught with her magic instead of her hands. “I made that heavier, though I don’t get how removing material allows the thing to gain mass.”

Twilight marvelled at it. “The rune is almost perfect.” She breathed. “This is what a natural Artificer’s early work looks like…”

“Yeah, my hand twitched a little on the indicator accent, but it still got hot and heavy when I finished the rune.” I replied interestedly.

Twilight gave me an odd look. “Let me see your forearm.”

I flashed it to her, the skin still bare. “I don’t see anything.”

“Neither do I…” Twilight bit her thumb.

I looked to Fluttershy. “What do you think? Maybe I just need to keep at it to get my Mana Mark to show up.”

Fluttershy gave me a supportive smile from behind her hair. “I-If you keep at it, I’m sure you’ll do it in no time!”

I returned her smile. “Thanks, Sweets.”

“No problem.” Fluttershy smiled some more.

Twilight cleared her throat. “As much as I’d like to stay, I think I’ll get started on finding some appropriate materials for you to study, Jay. Have fun, you two.” She said wistfully.

I rose from my seat to give Twilight a parting kiss. “I’ll see you soon, Purps.”

She gave me a much more cheery smile. “I’ll be by tomorrow after a hearing at Town Hall around four, so expect me to come by around five.” She thought for a second. “Before then, do you have any pocket money?”

My face froze and got hot. “I’ve got enough, so don’t worry about that.”

She gave me an odd look. “Are you sure? I don’t mind-”

“I’m sure I’ll be fine.” I said tensely, though I kept a smile on my face. “You’ve done more than enough already, Twilight.”

I felt something drop into my pocket, but before I could reach for whatever it was, Twilight gave me another kiss and teleported out. The thing turned out to be two coins, neither of which I recognized. The woman on the first coin evidently had hair similar to Rainbow’s since there were multiple dividing lines that were each texture in a slightly different way, and the relief on the less attractive side of the coin was mottled while the relief on the other side was smooth and shiny. The woman on both sides of the coin was beautiful in both forms, though her Sanguis face (I assumed. It’s not like it was a difficult comparison) was oddly expressive. I had a feeling that the woman was one of the kindest, most caring people one would ever hope to meet, but I fucking knew better than to trust that feeling.

The other coin had a woman with a rounder face on it in comparison to the other. Her original form and her Sanguis form were both a pleasant mixture of pretty and cute, leaning towards the pretty side while the other woman had just been straight beautiful, hands down. The woman on the second coin seemed like she was always ready to smile or laugh, and it was odd how the slight wrinkles in her eyes made her seem like she was prepared for the next joke. She only had three distinct dividing lines in her hair, so I assumed that she was a little less colorful and a little more down to Earth.

Fluttershy came to stand beside me as I was looking at the coins and said, “Celestia and Cadance.”

“Which one’s which?” I asked.

Fluttershy pointed at the coin in my left hand, the one I’d started with. “That one’s Celestia. If you ever get to meet her, then it’s really important that you act like Jay and not like Ty.”

“So act weird, not slutty?” I chuckled.

Fluttershy giggled along with me. “Well, yes, but I was going to say that you should try being polite.”

“Can I politely ask to be added to her harem, or can I add her to mine?” I asked jokingly.

Fluttershy stopped smiling. “That’s never funny, Jay. Celestia doesn’t like jokes about her being added to someone else’s harem.”

“I’ll be sure to get myself arrested for treason then.” I chuckled nervously. “Anyway, so I’ve been meaning to ask you something for a little bit. Since I woke up from Applejack’s fuck up, actually.”

She gave me a frightened look. “H-Have I d-done something?”

“Did you turn me into a Vampire?” I asked flatly.

“N-No!”

“Then what the Hell am I and why do I want you to bite me?” I asked irritably.

Fluttershy steepled her fingers and hid behind her hair. “... I-I m-might have let you have a-a t-t-teensy little drop o-of my b-b-blood.”

“... I swear to Max, if you tell me that you made me into a Thrall, I’ll gonna put a wet finger in your nose, and it’s not gonna be wet with spit.”

“Eep!”

“Fuckin’ shit, Flutters!” I groaned.

“I-It won’t hurt you! I promise!” She cried.

I walked over to her, held her face, and then licked her all over, making sure to stain every visible inch with a coat of saliva. “Your face is delicious! Make it stop!”

Fluttershy’s face was adorably scrunched up. “Eww…”

“Oh, it’s gonna happen again.” I said flatly. “I don’t know what the sum of the effects are, but right now it’s like you fed me a fucking love potion without the actual overflowing amounts of love.”

Fluttershy just stood there, her face sliding into a frown. “I… I did it to save your life.”

I folded my arms. “Twilight had you do it, didn’t she?”

“... It was either making you into a Thrall or turning you into a Revenant.” She answered softly.

“So you picked the lesser of two evils.” I licked her cheek again slowly. “Seriously, you’re delicious. I need you to promise me now that you’re not going to take advantage of me while I have your blood in my system.”

Fluttershy gave me an odd look. “... Your Thrall instincts are telling you to lick me?”

I ran my tongue over my aching canines and found that they were pointy as fuck. They were sharp enough that I afraid I was going to cut my tongue on them. “Pretty sure my instincts are telling me to bite you.”

“Oh… Y-Yeah, that’s supposed to happen.”

“What happens if I bite you?”

“Well, n-nothing if you don’t drink my blood.”

“And if I do drink your blood?”

“... That depends on how much of my venom I let you have.” Fluttershy answered, her voice taking a familiar tilt to it.

“Shy, I’m guessing.” I looked at her eyes and saw that I wasn’t wrong.

“Bingo, boyo.” She giggled. Shy took a step closer and placed a hand on my chest, so I put my hand over hers as I noted the scent of Kahlua on her breath, but I knew full well that she hadn’t been drinking. “Flutters is going to take a break for a little bit, so why don’t I tell you how I’m going to make you my obedient little slave.”

“I’d drive a stake through your heart before I became your slave.” I replied neutrally.

“And kill us both?” Shy taunted.

“Give me liberty or give me death.”

She gave me a sultry smile and placed a kiss on my jaw. “Res-o-lute. Shy likey.” She let her hand trail up to my clavicle and slid it over my shoulder and down my arm so she could hold my hand. “The slave talk is all bullshit anyway. I might like the idea of having a piece of fuckmeat around to do my bidding, but Flutters might kill me off if I actually tried something like that.”

“Point Fluttershy.”

Shy gave me a knowing smile. “You know, you can proposition either of us. I’m certainly not going to say no, and I doubt Fluttershy would turn you down.”

I raised a brow and she let her hands rest on my neck. “I’ll wait, thank you. I have a chance to take things at a decent pace with Fluttershy, so I think I’ll save sex for when we have a few dates behind us.”

She pouted a little. “Damn sunglasses make you look like a prick.”

I kissed her cheek. “Damn sunglasses keep my eyes from hurting, and even then it still sucks to be outside for too long.”

“We could always make you a full-blooded Vampire.” Shy purred.

“Nah. I’m good.”

“Oh come on! It’s not as bad as the legends say! You don’t have to sleep if you don’t want to, you always look good, and it makes you nearly immortal! The only real drawbacks are that you have to be careful while feeding, but if you feed regularly, it’s not hard, and learning some of the Blood Magic can be a bit tricky.”

“But can I still cross flowing water and see myself in the mirror?” I asked.

Shy rolled her eyes. “The only day-to-day drawbacks are that normal food doesn’t taste as good, and that your piss comes out pink. That’s it.”

“And how would someone kill me if I agreed?”

She gave me a look. “How else do you kill a walking dead? Take care of the head or stab it through the heart. It’s not hard to get killed by someone who knows what they’re doing, but if you’re not stupid, even Rarity and her bullshit family of Fang-Collectors are going to have a hard time pinning you down.”

“... One of your friends hunts your kind?” I asked, just to make sure that I heard her correctly.

“She would be dead if it was up to me.” Shy scoffed. “Flutters just likes her because they get along, but I say she needs a good suckin’. Wouldn’t have to feed for a month with all the mana in her blood.” She licked her lips.

“Does Rarity have a higher MR than me?”

“Definitely. She’s a B Plus, and that’s an extremely accurate estimate, straight from Celestia herself.” Shy pressed herself against me and I gently pushed her away. “Oh come on, Lover Boy~ Dontcha wanna dance with a demoness?”

“I get that you’re a part of the Fluttershy package, but you’re under the same rules as her. I’m not going to be rushed along because of this Thrall bullshit.” I said darkly.

“I am loving the amount of spine you have~” She cooed greedily. “I can’t wait to break it all into pieces!”

That sent fucking chills down the aforementioned spine, but before I could conjure up a hateful challenge to her bullshit, Shy’s eyes closed and opened to reveal a pair of cyan pools of frustration. “I-I’m sorry, Jay… Sh-Shy is... “ Her eyes pleaded with me for forgiveness, asking me to understand.

Without the visual cue, I probably wouldn’t have said anything to her. However, I saw the shift in her eyes, the change in expression, heard the difference in her voice. Shit was weird, so I said, “Shy is asking for a hate-fuck. I’m not going to give it to her.”

Fluttershy was fucking floored. “... B-But… I-I mean, but… I’m sorry, but are you actually dumb?”

I pouted like a man. “Bish please.”

“...’Bish’?” She threw up some air quotes, her normal bashfulness long gone as she tucked her hair behind her ear to give me a puzzled yet slightly irritated look. “Is that another word for ‘Bitch’?”

“No, it’s a combination of words.” I replied haughtily. “Uncultured hippy.”

Fluttershy narrowed her eyes at me. “I’ll have you know that I am very cultured! And I would very much like to know what bish is a combination of and what hippy means, please and thank you.”

I couldn’t keep a straight face, so I forced my lips to stay in a warm smile. “A hippy is an environmental advocate who usually partakes in marijuana and tries to be one with nature. I mean, you kinda live with a bunch of animals so…”

She relaxed a little at that one. “Okay. So what is a bish?”

“A-A-A B-B-Bit-Bitch Fish. I giggled mercilessly.

“... A what?”

I giggled for a minute before getting ahold of myself and managing to say, “B-Bitch-Fish.”

Fluttershy smiled as I giggled along like a fuckin’ retard. “I can’t say that I care what it is if it’s just something you said so you could giggle about it.”

I sighed mirthfully once I caught my breath and gave Fluttershy a hug. “I won’t piss you off for the purpose of my own gains too often, I promise. If I do it on purpose, feel free to make me sleep on the couch.”

Fluttercup held me at arm’s length and gave me an oddly odd look. “... You know I’m the one that’s supposed to get kicked to the couch, right?”

I gave her a look. “It’s your house.”

“While your here, you might as well be my husband. That’s why Twilight tried to leave without asking for a goodbye present.” She informed helpfully.

“Ah. Do you want me to do the-”

“Yes.” Fluttershy nodded, shaking her hair back into her face. She blew her hair away from her face with some deft lip handles.

“Okay then. Mind if we-”

“Are you going to lick my face again?” Fluttershy asked softly, her lips moving making me want to stop talking.

“If you want to wash your face that’s fine, but I’m probably going to be lickin’ ya again at some point.” I sighed.

She chuckled at that before licking her lips for no apparent reason. I gave her an apologetic look and she gave me a kiss that was fucking toe-curling like nothing I’d felt before. From the moment or lips made contact to the time or lips parted, I was subject to Fluttershy’s will, whatever it may have been. From the meeting point spread a heavy heat that left me feeling starved for more, addicted to the ecstasy already as if the near orgasmic bliss was an opiate that could be transfused from skin contact. It wasn’t hard to figure out that Fluttershy had coated her lips in her venom to spike the kiss and I should have been pissed, but I beseech you to ask a junkie how hard it is to be pissed when they’ve just been shown a mountain of pure dope and been told that they’ll get the maximum high every time. Like… I got hooked and she set the fucking poison bait as I watched. I can’t even say I’m mad because I still ache for another kiss like Fluttershy’s.

All too soon after all too long, but not long enough, Fluttershy pulled away from me and stopped me from following her lips with a finger. She gave me a warm smile and said, “I know you want another one, but I don’t want you to get addicted. I just wanted to give you a little something special is all.”

“Too late.” I breathed when she removed her finger.

“I’d know.” She answered simply. “Wait for me?”

“Will I get another kiss?” I asked desperately, my bones aching for her to say yes.

Fluttershy frowned. “It shouldn’t have been that potent.” She opened her mouth and pricked her finger on a rapidly sharpening tooth. “Here. This should make it better.”

I stared at the little pinprick of blood on her finger. “Trade one addiction for another?”

“You can resist the urge to lick me.” She reminded. “How long do you think it’ll be before you try to force yourself onto me?”

I grimaced, but I didn’t have much of a fuckin’ choice. I licked her finger clean and she didn’t smile or anything. True remorse was on her face, but there was a gleam in her eye that told me she was only regretful to a point. “Give me one good reason why I shouldn't leave.”

“I-I can’t stop you i-if you want to go,” She replied softly, “but I’m really sorry… I-I won’t give you anymore of my blood…”

“Please don’t unless I’m about to die.” I said flatly.

Fluttershy nodded solemnly. “I-I understand. I-I won’t use so much venom for the next kiss… I-If there is one…” She glanced at me before looking at the floor.

I wanted another one then and there, but I refrained from just going for it. “Not today…” She wrung her hands and I couldn’t help but notice her body language. It was just too apparent. “... Wouldn’t mind some cuddling though. To clear the air, y’know?”

Flutters glanced at me again and cleared her throat. “I-If you want… C-Can I go wash my face? A-A-All I can smell is c-caramel…”

“... I haven't had a caramel anything in like, months.” I said, confused. “Don’t let me stop you though.”

She went off to go do that and I got hit in the head by a baby carrot. I caught it before it could fall to the ground and it looked clean, so I rubbed it off on my shirt and ate it because I was hungry. I saw the next carrot coming from the corner of my eye and caught that one before I could get it and saw a little white bunny with a carrot in its paw. I tilted my head at it and tossed the carrot back since I like animals, but then it threw the carrot it was holding at me. It’s not like I was about to let it hit me, so I caught that one too, but Fluttershy came back in time to see me make the catch.

“Jay? What are you doing?” She asked.

“Little bunny keeps throwing carrots at me.” I answered simply.

Fluttershy rounded the corner and glared at the offending bunny, freezing it in place. “Don’t mess with Jay, Angel. He’s one of us.” ‘Angel’ hissed and Fluttershy’s glare grew dark and foreboding enough to make me back up a step. “Fall in line or fall flat.”

The bunny scurried off quickly and Fluttershy turned to me with an apologetic smile. “S-Sorry you had to see that… Sometimes A-Angel forgets who’s boss.”

“Hissing hare. Huh.”

“... You just did that so you could alliterate, didn’t you?”

“What’s alliteration?” I asked blankly.

I earned myself a look and got dragged to the couch where Fluttershy promptly sat down and tried to put her arm around me awkwardly. I wasn’t having any of her sit and ended up making her switch me spots so I could rest against the arm of the couch and she could chill with me. “... Jay?” She asked meekly from my arms.

“Yeah, Fluttercup?”

“... Aren’t I supposed to be holding you? Th-This is r-really nice, but… Isn’t it supposed to be the other way around?”

“Not on my planet.” I scoffed. “Nah, besides; I can’t do this,” I grabbed her chest gently, “if you’re holding me.”

“Eep! Jay!” Fluttershy whisper-shouted.

“Do you want me to move my hands, or should I just ask permission?”

Fluttershy’s hands covered mine and I could feel them trembling. “I-I-I d-d-don’t mind i-if you l-l-leave them th-there.”

I gave her a little squeeze and got another ‘Eep!’ for it. “Thank you. I have to say, cuddling with you is hard. Snuggling is so much easier.”

She giggled nervously. “W-Well, i-it’s not hard wh-when you’re so eager.”

“It’s your fault anyway.” I said flatly, keeping the bitterness out of my tone. I added a happy inflection when I said, “If you weren’t so damn sexy, I’d be able to keep my hands off of you.”

Fluttershy turned her head to look at me and smiled sadly. “You’re the only one who thinks so.”

“I still don’t get why that is.”

“Well… I-I’ve been told that more than a h-handful is a waste…”

I gave her another little squeeze and got another ‘Eep’, so I tried doing it again and got another. I just amused myself by making Fluttershy make noises until they started turning into moans. “A little extra to play with is always fun. I know a lot of guys who’d agree with me on that.”

“... Thank you.” Fluttershy murmured.

“I’m just being honest, Fluttershy. Maybe it’s because I’ve got two handfuls of bliss or something, but I don’t think I’ll ever tell you that you’re too much woman to handle.”

“Does that mean I can get fat?” She giggled.

“Yeah, but it’s healthier if you don’t.”

“Aww!”

I kissed her temple and let go of her breasts so I could just hug her a little closer. “Thank you for saving my life.”

“I would do it again… Even if you got more mad, I’d still do it.” She answered quietly.

“Why?” I asked curiously.

“... If you laugh…” She said softly.

“I won’t laugh, I promise.” I oathed sincerely.

It took her a moment that dragged on for a while, but she eventually got the weight off of her chest. “... You’re the first man to tell me that I’m desirable. I would save you just because I don’t like letting innocent people die, but…”

I hugged her tighter. “What would you have done if it were Ty?”

She took another long moment to answer, but her voice was firm when she did. “It wouldn’t have mattered. I think Ty would be after me for all the wrong reasons, and I am not the doormat I used to be.”

“Wanna have sex?” I asked flatly.

“W-Well i-if you i-i-insist.” She stammered.

“I was proving a point, but it’s nice to know that you’re ready.” I chuckled.

Fluttershy gave me a pouty look. “You tricked me…”

I kissed her temple again. “I dindu nuffin. I waz framed.”

“Framed by who?”

“Your magic white rabbit has left its writing on the wall.” I sang.

“You’re goofy, you goofball. Goofy goofer.”

I nibbled on her ear with my flat teeth, making her gasp, but I didn’t want to do that as much as I wanted to lick her some more, so I shifted Fluttershy so that I could have easy access to the nape of her neck. I gave her a little test lick and her sweetness hadn’t diminished much since I’d last licked her. “You’re still tasty.”

“I-Is this leading to something?” Fluttershy asked, her voice nervous, but not indicative of her feelings on the matter.

I sighed. “If I keep it up, then yes. I should probably go.”

Fluttershy’s sigh mimicked mine. “Oh well. M-Maybe next time we can go on a date?”

I kissed her cheek before extricating myself from the couch. “Once I earn enough money-”

“Wait, y-you don’t think I’m letting you pay, do you?” Fluttershy asked incredulously.

I raised a brow. “It’s not up for debate.”

She stared at me for a moment and nothing happened. Then something fucking happened, which was that it felt like my heart had started pumping ice through my veins. “You’re right, Jay. It’s not up for debate. You can pick the time and place, but I pay for the date. We’re not arguing over it.”

“... Gotcha.” I said wisely.

My heart started warming me up when Fluttershy smiled. “Thank you. Be careful on your way home, okay?”

“Yeah. Take care, Fluttershy.” I said a bit numbly.

“Goodbye, Jay.” She said.

I got the fuck outta dodge as fast as was civil, and then I let my legs carry me back to my house where I started reading up on more runes. I had to do something to get my mind off of Fluttershy’s crazy ass, Twilight’s crazy ass, and as was always a worry of mine, Ty’s well-being. I dove deep into the world of runs in Applied Artificery and committed a lot of them to memory, such as strengthening runes that would make armor tougher, a few miscellaneous runes that I could certainly find uses for, and a few combo runes like ‘Perimeter’ and ‘Sweep’. I tested those out with the main area of my shop and had my broom sweep up some dust on its own while I held onto the dustpan. It was actually super dope, so I went to a bakery, finally broke the damn Twily I’d been holding onto, and returned home with some bread and butter. A pretty decently sized loaf of bread and a stick of butter had only cost me five bits all together, so I was pretty hype about how far my money would go since I could make a couple of meals out of what I had. I didn’t bother to haggle with the baker since the guy was a guy, and I’d only seen like, four during my time in Magiville. We had a bond of brotherhood going on that told me that he’d gone on a special discount price for me anyway, which was dope as shit. Anyway, I added a ‘Cut’ rune and a ‘Bread’ basic rune to a kitchen knife to make a combo and lo and behold! My creation would automatically cut slices of bread depending on how many times you tapped the handle of the knife, and I even got it to spread butter after doing a little more research.

And then I might have gone a little crazy with the ATD. I say a little, I mean that I fucked my shop up. Like, dear Max. I had runes on every wall for strength enchantments, but shortly after getting them placed, I was starving, so I ate some bread and butter. Then I enchanted the counter of my shop to be damn near bulletproof, which made me hungry again, so I ate some more bread and butter. After that with my heavy-duty ATD stored in its proper place, I put a magic lock on my safe and cash register, on the door to my room, and on the zippers of my bag. I had to link the locks on my bag to a piece of scrap metal that I put in the bag, but they still made it so that other people would have a hard time getting my shit open.

The day was coming to a close and I was starving all over again, but I only had one meal wort of bread left and I wanted to save it for another time. With the Sun dipping in the sky and me only knowing of one place in town that could keep me full through the night, I headed to ‘Coffee Cup’s diner and avoided getting hit on by taking alleys as often as I could. As nice as it sounds to constantly be desired for just being who you are, it’s not always the best kind of attention to be getting.

I learned that the name of the diner was actually The Coffee Pot, and when I checked out their hours, I learned that they went all night long, which was something I planned on committing to memory, just in case I ever needed a cup of coffee and didn’t have one. As it was, I hoped that ‘Coffee Cup’ didn’t leave already, but then again, I didn’t get my hopes too high. When I walked in and smelled the lovely scent of clogging arteries, I took a deep breath and strolled over to the seat that was soon going to be claimed as my spot. As I was checking the menu for something other than a burger, I heard someone set a mug and saucer down.

‘Coffee Cup’ was already giving me a smile. “Welcome back, Jay.”

“Good to see you, ‘Coffee’.” I replied pleasantly. “How’s your day been?”

She pulled a flask out of her apron and took a swig before stoppering it and dropping it back into the pocket it came from. “I hear a lot of stuff, and they don’t make liquor strong enough to make me forget.” She chuckled.

I knew from the slight edge in her voice that she was only half joking. “Maybe if you had a loyal customer with a friendly ear to hear what you hear you wouldn’t have to drink.”

“Maybe if you hadn’t gotten involved with the most dangerous women in the country, we wouldn’t have met.” She chuckled some more. “Everything has its purpose, Jay.”

“So sayeth thee, jester.” I scoffed. “I prefer to be enlightened, and enlightenment comes with the knowledge that sometimes things just happen. Fate’s strings sometimes lead to dead ends, and that’s about it.”

“Whoever told you that is a real negative nag.” Coffee huffed.

I raised a brow at her. “It’s in The Creator’s holy book, the Maxronomicon. The guy who made the planet says that bad things just happen sometimes, and that’s okay.”

She just gave me a look. “You’re lucky there’s other customers to check up on, otherwise I’d be nagging you about putting words in the Almighty’s mouth.”

“He was the one who wrote the damn book.” I chuckled.

“What makes you so sure she’s a he?” ‘Coffee’ asked, folding her arms.

“I’ve met him. Seen him in person. He was a dude.” I pursed my lips.

“Prove it when I get back.” She scoffed.

“Got a bottle of bourbon?”

“Got half a flask. Why?”

I grinned at her. “You’re about to meet God.”

She passed me her flask. “Do whatever it is you need to. If you steal my liquor, I expect you to buy me some more!”

“I only need two shots for the alternate summoning.” I poured approximately two shots into the empty mug she’d given me. “Can I get some coffee and an ice cube?”

‘Coffee’ gave me a look. “I can get you enough ice to cool the coffee down, if that’s what you want.”

“Then that please.” I gave her a warm smile.

She returned it after I gave her alcohol back. “I’ll be right back.”

It took her a little while to come back, but when she did, she poured me a cup of lukewarm coffee and I smashed the mug in the metaphorical sense. “Fuck Juice Fuck Juice Fuck Juice!” I said slightly above conversation volume.

‘Coffee Cup’ gave me another funny look (along with a few late-coming patrons) before her eyes went wide and her head turned to my left side. I looked over to the omniscient one and he said, “You’re buying my burger.”

“No problem. Can it be a bribe?” I asked.

“For what?” He scoffed.

“Friendship. I don’t need you to do the extra shit, but there’s too many fuckin’ females here, bruh.”

“Hey!” Coffee objected.

Max gave her a look. “It’s a Femajority town. Are you really surprised that a guy wants to see another guy every once in awhile?”

“Well, no, but that kinda came out mean.” She said irritably. “I’m guessing you’re the guy posing as The Creator?” He just gave her a single smile and she blinked rapidly. “... Nevermind. I apologize.”

“Don’t worry about it, ‘Coffee Cup’.” He used some air quotes and she blushed.

I rolled my eyes. “So do you always come when someone’s trying to prove your existence, or what?”

“I usually make it a point to show up unless someone’s bragging. You were using me to get your point across, so it’s cool.” Maximus patted my shoulder.

“Sweet.” I looked to ‘Coffee’ who seemed to be a little lost. “Why no special drink this time?”

She snapped out of her awe. “Um… Didn’t have an open burner, otherwise I would have made you something.”

“Humble Seer serving good luck potions to those in need.” Max chuckled. “If you’re looking for someone to teach you that thing you’re trying to learn, she’ll do.”

“I’m guessing I shouldn’t say it out loud?” I asked quietly.

“Whoa whoa whoa, hold up guys,” Coffee said, leaning in. “I’m not exactly a teacher here, and I don’t have a license to practice anything anyway, so you’re better off saving up so you can go to a university for it.”

“I just need some basic transmutation for assembly, not for equivalent exchange. It’s really not terribly menacing.” I replied softly.

“Still. Why don’t you ask Twilight Sparkle to teach you? Everyone around town will tell you that she’s all too happy to teach a willing mind.”

Max and I looked at each other, but Max was the one who said, “She’s going to clip whatever she teaches him heavily. Twilight was taught by Celestia, and Celestia taught her to be guarded with certain schools, including both of the ones Jay’s looking into.”

‘Coffee’ bit her lip and glanced at me. “... That’s a shame, but I learned a lot of useless things anyway. Having someone pare it down would have been nice.”

Max sighed. ”Oh well. I tried.”

“What if I asked really nicely?” I bargained.

She gave me a look. “I already placed your order, but I need The Creator’s.”

“I’ll have a Barnyard Hoedown.” Max said, his accent making the words sound extra stupid.

‘Coffee’ sighed. “I really regret naming it that when you say it.”

“Don’t blame me for the accent. I was born with it.” The Creator of the damned planet huffed like a… Nah, I’m not that brave.

I wanted to correct him, but I liked being unsmited pretty well. “If you were a woman, it’d be sexy.”

“It’s sexy now.” He said flatly. “I still pull American girls with no problem, it’s just that I don’t like Terrans like that. Equusians? Sure. Arkaidites? A couple. Terrans? Nah.”

“Furry.” I muttered under my breath.

“I’ll fuck you up, mate.” He deadpanned.

I shut the fuck up as ‘Coffee’ made herself scarce and changed the topic. “So what was it like? Finding yourself on a planet full of people who didn’t look anything like you?”

“Weird, for one. It could have been worse, but I already had PTSD by the time I got to Equestria, so it’s kind of in the air as to what a normal person would have felt in my shoes since I'm waiting to drop another Human on Equus. After awhile I started to miss England, but I never really got too down with my homesickness. Well, I turned into an alcoholic, but you know how all that goes.”

“I really don’t, and thank you for that.”

“No problem. You know Fluttershy is still the least dangerous one, right? She really was just trying to make the kiss nice for you.”

“So she didn’t set me up so that events played out like they did?”

“Nope. Pure accident, mate, but I’d keep an eye on her anyway. She wouldn’t purposefully push you away, but not all bad moves are accidents, if you catch my drift.”

I looked at him. “The only thing I’m getting from that is that she might be trying to help me and it just ending badly.”

He snapped his fingers. “Bingo, dingo. The road to Hell is paved with the best of intentions.”

“Thanks.” I grunted. “Needed more shit on my plate.”

“I’d make a joke, but I think I’ll just say that a bad friend would let you get blindsided, bruv.”

I nodded. “True, but you might ruin my appetite if you keep it up.”

Max nudged me and chuckled, so we carried on by talking about women until ‘Coffee’ came back, and when she went off to go get our food, we continued without her again. The food was good and only ended up costing me eight bits, so that was nice. ‘Coffee’ only let me pay for one meal anyway, so I was feeling pretty good about that. I ended up getting a hug from her and Max before I went home, and letting my eyes rest on the way home by taking more alleys was lovely, though I couldn’t help but feel like I was being watched. I shrugged it off, got home, locked everything, and slept with my gun in one hand and my knife in the other.

Seems like a good place to stop for now. Until next time, I guess

Chapter Seven: Prep Phase

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Chapter Seven: Prep Phase

Two days after I last saw Maximus, Twilight came over bright and early as I was trying to invent new puzzles that would keep people busy for hours on end while trying to recreate old ones I remembered from Earth. She caught me in between riddles and the one I was working on was a classic spring-and-ring. The trick was to get the ring off the spring, but the catch was that the spring had closed ends. The actual solution to the puzzle had taken me all of five seconds to figure out, but the thing about it was that I hadn’t even thought to make one. I’d just dropped a spring in a drawer full of useless rings and got it stuck while trying to fish it out. Why was I looking for useless rings? I wasn’t. My springs were in the drawer above it and I forgot which one it was.

“Jay? Are you actually open?” Twilight called since she couldn’t see me.

I was in the front of the shop when Twilight came in, so I rose and gave her a kiss over the counter. “Morning, Purps. How’s it going so far?”

She smiled. “I contacted Ty’s host family and they say that he’s ready for a visit!”

A smile broke out on my face as my day brightened considerably. “Seriously!? When can we go?”

“Well…” Twilight let it dangle, giving me a sly look.

“Oh come on, Bae, don’t make your man beg.” I pleaded, defeating the purpose of saying what I just said.

She gave me a smug little smile. “I figured I’d give you enough time to grab the present you whipped up for him.”

I patted the glorified Liberator I’d made for him, safely tucked away in my pocket since I hadn’t wanted to carry my Glock all day. Fucker's not exactly light. “Already have it, actually. Does that mean we can go now?”

“Whenever you come give me a hug we can.” She said amusedly.

I took my time in coming around the counter and gave her a kiss. When I pulled away we were already in a different town, but I still gave her the hug she’d originally asked for. “Thank you, Purps. So what town is this?”

Her cheeks pinked up a bit and she smiled. “It’s Minceton. They’re obviously famous for their mincemeat pies, but I’ve had their best.” She made a face. “You still can’t sell me on it.”

I chuckled and shook my head. “I don’t really know what that is and I don’t think I want to find out. I think I’ll keep my meat pies to the ‘chicken pot’ kind. In any case, where are we off to?” I asked, forcing myself to give Twilight a subtle option.

She seized the opportunity with fire in her eyes. “I happen to know of a great little restaurant around here that makes the best poached egg you’ve ever had if you’re hungry.”

“I have to have the white and yolk mixed for my eggs. I can’t deal with them being separate.” I said, mostly because I don’t know how to ‘poach’ an egg.

Twilight gave me an amused look. “Jitter-Jabber has other stuff. If you’re a country type, you can get a breakfast biscuit or something.”

“Ay, do they have biscuits and gravy?” I asked with a little smile.

“I’m sure they do. Are we going?”

“On your mark, Purple Power Ranger.” I replied teasingly.

She didn’t honor that with a response, but she did grab my hand and lead me to a little cafe that did not serve biscuits and gravy. They didn’t even serve the damn breakfast biscuit Twilight promised me for Christ’s sake! They had these shitty English muffin things (English muffins are shitty anyway, but these were less shitty than normal) and the only saving grace they had was that they practically made a mini omelette to go into the little breakfast bastard. There was no bacon, but they did have some sausage that had obviously not been touched by colored hands, for it was not blessed with flavor. I don’t know what is was, but the meat to that little sandwich was like eating a soy patty. Actually, knowing Twilight, it probably was and she just didn’t tell me.

Thankfully, breakfast didn’t last forever and we dived into the residential district of Minceton with a lot of people bowing in our wake. I mentioned to Twilight that it was odd to see so many people revere her so openly and she kind of just chuckled it off. I left it at that as we walked through town, but I couldn’t help but see the starkness of the contrast in our situations. She was a Maxdamn Princess, and I was a random guy with a talent for scraping away at stuff until it magicked good. For the thousandth time, if not the second thousandth time, I wondered why the fuck Twilight wanted me and I still couldn’t find a reasonable answer. Bitch was just crazy, what can I say?

When we stopped at a random house and Twilight knocked on the door, I asked, “How do you know this town so well? Did you spend a lot of time here over the years?”

She gave me another amused smile. “I use a pathfinding spell to get me to where I want to go. As long as I know the name of the place or household, I can get there.”

“Well that’s not fair.” I said as an older, gray haired, burly ass muhfucker opened the door.

“Princess Twilight. ‘S good to see ya.” He grunted.

Twilight beamed at him. “Hello, Wrought Iron! How are you today?”

“Doin’ fine. Yourself?”

“Feeling peachy! How’s Shuttle Cock doing?”

I tried not to giggle at the name when I realized that it was a name, and I succeeded decently enough, but Wrought Iron still stared me down. “Think my boy’s name is funny?”

“It’s not exactly chuckle worthy.” I replied drily, not giving a fuck about some old dude trying to intimidate me.

He snorted. “Ty thought it was funnier ‘an you. Thought he’d laugh.”

“... Guessing Ty’s been giving you a little trouble?” I said slowly, my right index finger resting on the pocket clip of my trusty knife.

“Guy’s a shithead, but his heart’s alright. He’ll make a good harem husban’, at least.” Wrought replied gruffly.

“So y’all ain’t had any major issues or nothin’?” I asked, trying to clarify.

“Ask ‘im yourself.” He said before turning to face away from us and bellowing, “Hey Ty! Ya got company ya dangle donged dingus!”

“Who is it, Crackajack?” Ty shouted back.

“Boy, if you don’t get dat ass out here!” I shouted.

Mad scrabbling could be heard from inside, and when Wrought Iron stopped blocking the fucking view inside with his massive, larger-than-Ty fucking frame, I could see a young white kid around sixteen or so that looked a lot like Wrought Iron if he were a little shorter and younger, but then Ty whipped around him and charged, barely slowing down enough to not fuck both of us up when we hugged. We gripped each other like we’d been lost for years instead of two weeks at most, but we were glad to see each other all the same.

I let him go first and he didn’t hesitate long enough for me to be suspicious of anything, so I took a sec to get a good look at ‘em, and I had to say that he seemed fine. “Bruh, are you okay? They treatin’ you alright? You stayin’ out of trouble or what? Like, you ain’t been chasin’ tail while they got you on lockdown, right?” I asked rapidly. I would’ve gotten further if he didn’t hold his hands up.

“Ay, ay, I give, bruh. I’m good, aight? Wrought Iron and Cock are chill as a polar bear’s toenails. The only thing I even beef over is the language crap, but it’s not like it matters that much.” Ty chuckled. “Nah, but Minceton is a male majority town anyway. All the action I can get is gangbangs, and that ain’t my style.”

I bit my cheek and Ty picked up on the shift in my demeanor. “You’ve been gettin’ laid, haven’t you? Fuck off.” He growled.

I forced myself to smirk and Ty picked up on that too. “Sorry, bro, but I’m irresistible.”

My brother gave me a blank look and turned to Twilight. “Ay, can I get a second alone with Jay real quick? I mean, a little heart to heart on the matters of the bed ain’t too much to ask, right?”

Twilight turned red before turning green. “Don’t tell me…?”

Ty gave her a fucked up look, which looked a little like the look Wrought Iron was giving her and a lot like the look I was giving her. “Are you asking me if I bone my brother? The fuck- Nevermind. Just nevermind.”

My girlfriend blushed brightly and looked at Wrought Iron. “Would you happen to have any tea?”

The old dude made a weird noise that sounded like gravel being ground together. “Of course, Your Highness.”

They went inside and I took Ty to the bottom of the stoop so we could get some chill in, but the chill wasn’t there. It was actually pretty warm. “Nigga, what’s wrong? I been havin’ bad feelin’s and shit about you since I got shipped here.” Ty interrogated quietly.

I took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m dating Twilight and Fluttershy now. Twilight’s batshit crazy for me, Ty. She gave me a Maxdamn shop after I shot that hole in her floor, man, and she’s the one I had sex with.” I replied just as quietly. We didn’t get much louder than that during the whole conversation.

“... You fucked the bitch that sent me here? You gotta be makin’ a grab for her power, Jameson.” Ty said darkly.

I sat down on the last step and Ty joined me soon after. He waited for me to respond, so I said, “I have to be in it for the love, Ty. If I try to abuse Twilight’s power, someone’s gonna put me down. If I make Twilight too unhappy, someone’s going to put me down. If I don’t act right in general, then you’re the leverage, man. You’re what they’re going to use against me, and even if they don’t use you against me? Guess fuckin’ what, Ty. Applejack isn’t afraid to fuck someone up and she got her hands on me, but we can’t get her back because she’s Mafia, dude. She is the next Matriarch. Twilight? She’s a damned Princess; she can already do what she wants, and Fluttershy? She’s got herself a little secret that makes my fucking balls wanna shrivel, but I’m stuck, man. I got perks right now, but I’m payin’ for ‘em.”

Ty worked his jaw and stared at the ground in front of us as the occasional passerby waved. I waved back, but my brother was lost in thought until he said, “You can’t think of a way to strike ‘em and get out clean?”

“I got contingency plans, but they’re last ditch efforts, Tiberius. We don’t make it out unless G-Man takes pity on us, and I’ve talked to him twice since you’ve been gone. It’s not likely.”

“Shit, don’t talk about bourbon, man. This is a dry ass town and I’m fuckin’ rollin’ havin’ to go sober.”

“Still, Max put us here so we’d have a second chance, and we gotta make it work out right. I got two babes with money in their pockets that can help us out of any hole we find ourselves in, but Twilight gave me a way to make my own money. We just gotta find somethin’ for you so-”

“Man, straight up? Imma be a Harem King.” Ty said flatly.

“Fuckin’... I ain’t even surprised. Disappointed, but not surprised.”

“I’d bitch at you, but you’re right. I’m just takin’ the easiest route.” He said realistically. “Shit, I ain’t exactly ashamed. Why work hard when you can let other people do it for you? I mean, how much trouble am I gonna get into if I stay at home and work out all day?”

“Little to none, but you’re gonna get bored.” I said softly.

“Prolly, but then I’ll just fuck my bitch until I ain’t. It’s never been like, hard to keep me happy, nigga.”

“We can’t have kids.” I informed.

“Dope.”

“Aliens, man. I don’t know for sure,” I lied, “but I really highly doubt that we’re compatible like that with these guys.”

“Ay, it’s whatever though. Yo, you find out what class of Medeis you were?”

“C-Rank Artificer. Why do you ask?”

Ty jammed a thumb into his chest and smirked at me. “Double-A Mundsian, nigga. Good luck gettin’ one on me now.”

I smirked at him. “You still can’t shoot worth a shit.”

“Man, I ain’t gettin’ my gun back till I leave. It’s some bullshit.”

“I’m a Deputy, so I got my shit right now.” I pulled the little Liberator style, Saturday Night Special-looking piece out of my pocket and passed it to Ty. “Regards from your best sibling.”

He pocketed the piece and gave me a wide smile. “Man, I ain’t exactly ran into trouble, but it’s nice to hold onto somethin’ when you divin’ through town, runnin’ errands and shit.”

“I’m sure it has been. No one’s been giving you shit or anything?”

“Couple of Icarian boys who think they’re tough shit because they’re going into some flight school in the fall, but neither of ‘em wanna try me. Might talk tough, but neither of ‘em are above a C-Rank.” He scoffed.

“... Since when do you give so much credit to ranks and shit?” I asked cautiously.

“Man, Mundusians read ranks easily, man. It’s just something we do, apparently.”

“Right. So what, you think I’m weak because I’m a C-Rank?”

“Man, you could take a rank higher than you if you’re smart, but it’s set in stone, nigga. The strong are what they are here. The playin’ ground is about as level as it’s gonna get.” He replied matter-of-factly.

“Let’s see how much shit you’re talking when I put you down from across the street.” I shot back drily.

“Point Yella Fella.” He grunted. “So when you want me to get Applejack?”

“She’s serving her time for it.” I replied evenly.

“... You’re not takin’ your pound of flesh, are you? Is it ‘cause you’re soft on bitches?”

“Yeah, but I’ll also pop her if she comes at me like that again. Bitch put me down for a little bit, but I got back up, so let the law handle her for the time being and we’ll see where it goes from there.”

“Bitch.”

“Hoodrat.”

“At least I know how to get revenge.”

“At least I know how to let shit go.” I grunted back.

He gave me a shitty look. “How many niggas have you killed over letting me walk away from a beating?”

“They shouldn’t have put they hands on ya.” I said simply.

“And Apple Ass shouldn’t have put her hands on you. Imma fist her.” Ty oathed.

“Yeah, but I’m asking you to not, just in case she kills you or some shit. I mean, that bitch is prolly trained to kill with her bare hands and we know how to box. That’s about it. What you need to do is let me handle the psychos I’ve invited into my life so you can chill and reap the rewards, my man. That is, if you don’t decide to domesticate right off the rip.”

He passed me a look. “You got your setup, Imma try and get mine. Mine might not have a Princess in it, but I’ll show you up, bruh.”

I smirked at him. “Keep your head out of your ass and it’s a possibility. So you thinkin’ about going bi yet?”

“Shit, the hottest man alive walks in my shoes every day. There ain’t no point in tryna find someone fresh like me, so fuckin fresh and clean, y’all know what I mean!”

“Shut the fuck up.” I chuckled, standing up.

Ty stayed seated. “What’s up?”

I stepped off of the stoop and leaned against the banister. “Just got one last thing I wanna talk about before we do any bullshitting around.”

“Aight.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that our Moms are gay?” I asked evenly.

“... Do you care?” He asked bluntly.

“I don’t care that they’re gay, I care that you judged them for it. Them falling for each other was one of the best things that could’ve happened to ‘em.”

“You know how I feel about faggots.” Ty grunted.

“... They’re our Moms, dude.”

“Shoulda found some men to make it work.”

I just looked at him before walking up the stoop since I had nothing else to say to him. Ty followed and took the lead as we headed inside, though he didn’t really try to say anything to me about the matter. More of the odd gravelly noise cold be heard coming from deeper in, so Ty took us to the source of said noise and I figured out that it was what Wrought Iron sounded like when he laughed. Shit was weird, but he and Twilight were apparently having a grand time, which was interesting to say the least. Twilight caught my eye and laid a hand on Wrought’s forearm, making her tone dip a little in an attempt to make me jealous. I played my Jack and interrupted their conversation to earn relationship points, which Wrought apparently appreciated since he started talking to me more than Twilight.

The visit was all too short and when Twilight announced that it was time to leave, I couldn't resist hugging my brother one last time before saying goodbye for two more weeks. When Twilight and I went back to Magiville, she asked, “Hey Jay? Would you like to take a walk with me?”

I had no reason to say no. “Sure. It’s not like the shop as a lot of stuff to sell yet.”

“Why don’t you offer custom runes and engravings?” Twilight asked.

“... Smart cookie. Want a kiss for or brilliant idea? It’s not all you’re gonna get, but it’s a start, right?”

She beamed and presented her lips for her reward, so I gave it to her and we started our walk from her house. Twilight was sure to keep a hold on my hand as we strolled along merrily, and while I wasn’t too crazy about constantly touching someone for no real reason, it’s not like it was unbearable or anything. We strolled through the town for a while, but then Twilight took me to the biggest building in Town Square and we went inside. She told me that she had some quick business to attend to with the Mayor, so I chilled out in the lobby while not doing a whole lot. There was a guy with bright green hair casting weird, furtive glances at me from behind a desk as I chilled out, but I didn’t really want to chit chat.

“Excuse me? Sir?” The guy asked after a few minutes of silence.

“Yeah? What’s up?” I replied, walking over to his desk since he wanted to talk, apparently.

He tugged at his tie when I came over and chuckled nervously. “Sure is some lovely weather we’re having, isn’t it?”

I gave him a weird look and said, “Yeah, I guess. It’s a little warm, but it’s not too bad.”

“Right.” He chuckled some more and his eyes flickered around the room. “So how’s your harem doing?” He asked, evidently trying to make conversation.

“Well, it just shrank, so it’s not doing too well at the moment. I have pretty good reasons to be mad at both of my women, but it’s just not worth the hassle, y’know?”

The guy sighed. “You wouldn’t happen to be bisexual, would you?”

“I am not.”

“I just want Magivillians to stop hitting on me. I swear I need a shirt that says ‘Gay’.” He grumbled.

“Wear a penis-shaped hat. It’ll show that you have dick on the mind.” I jested.

He gave me a look for being awesome. “You aren’t that cute.”

“Neither are you, but the main difference is that I’m not checking you out.”

“Do you really blame a guy for scoping out his options?” Dude huffed in the most bitch-like of fashions.

“Nah, but then again, I ain’t an option anyway.”

He snorted. “When you feel like getting away from crazy women who only want you for your body, feel free to send a note my way.”

“When your legs don’t work like they used to before, and I can't sweep you off of your feet, will your mouth still remember the taste of my love?” I asked, going back a few decades for that reference. Dude who sang the song died of an overdose during a relapse, but he was like, fifty and doing hard drugs.

“... You’re kinda weird.” The dude said.

“You’re kinda gay, but you don’t hear me pointing it out.” I replied easily.

“... What does that have to do with anything?”

“We’re pointing out facets of each other’s beings, right? I’m kinda weird, you’re kinda gay.” I said briskly.

His cheek reddened and he narrowed his eyes. “Are you trying to make fun of me?”

“What gives you the impression?” I asked, scratching my cheek.

He pointed an accusatory finger at me. “You’re saying something in between the lines, aren’t you?”

I tilted my head. “What gives you that impression? You’re an odd one, Mr…?”

El Faggot crossed his arms and spun his chair away from me to give me the cold shoulder, which made me feel like he was being even more of a bitch than most stereotype-filling women. I hadn't met many who would literally turn their back to me just to ignore me, but this little bitch was feeling the vaj. It ended up being a quiet wait for Twilight to return, but that’s how I would have preferred it in the first place.

When Twilight returned and we exited the Town Hall, she asked, “Hey Jay, do you want to go shopping for something? Guys like shopping, right?”

I gave her a look that was hopefully tapered by the little smile I gave her. “Arcadian woman in a guy’s body. It’s easier to think of me like that.”

Purps mulled it over. “... I’d still like to go shopping with you.”

“I don’t really want to spend your money.” I said, frowning. I’d managed to sell a couple of RiddleCube ripoffs to a mother of two the day before, so I’d managed to make twelve bits.

Twilight took my hand and pulled off to the side of the road to the corner of a building. “Jay, how much money do you have? Because I talked to Applejack yesterday and she never gave you any, Fluttershy said she didn’t, and I know you put the coins I gave you in my mailbox, you sneaky sneaker!”

I gave her a look. “I’m not exactly hurting. I’ll make it on what I have-”

“But how much is that?” She asked again.

“If I tell you, will you stop trying to give me money until I actually ask?”

“I can’t make that promise.” Twilight responded. “I can say that I know you haven’t bought groceries.”

A chill trickled down my spine. “... Are you spying on me?”

“Everyone knows everyone around here and everyone knows about the guy who comes out at sunset to go buy bread.” Twilight answered flatly. “Mrs. Knead said that you were cute, polite, and that you usually bought something baked earlier so it was cheaper. You can’t live off of just bread, Jay.”

“I’ll go get some stuff tomorrow then.” I said defensively. I didn’t mean for it to come out that way, but I never did like being broke, and I knew for a fact that I was lucky that Twilight was taking care of me as far as shelter and water went.

Twilight squeezed my hand and took the other one as well. “Jay, a part of being in a committed relationship is sharing burdens. You’re here on this world with a backpack full of stuff and that’s it. Your money is just pretty paper here. There’s no shame in needing a little more help, Sweetie.”

“I got all the help I needed when you bought the shop for me, Twilight. I should be able to take it from here.” I answered stubbornly.

“You’re missing my point.” She said, her voice dipping.

My blood boiled and froze in turns, my words bitter in my mouth. “... I get it Twilight.”

Her face didn’t change. “How many bits do you have?”

“... Twenty.”

She let go of one of my hands so she cold snap her fingers and levitate a smallish pouch full of coins. “Next time you have less than fifty, you come to me or Fluttershy.”

I couldn’t stop my lip from curling. “I can’t let myself just take from you Twilight. It goes against who I am.”

She grabbed the pouch and help it up for me, but there was something different about her. “Think of it this way; you either take the money and get what you need for yourself, making both of us happy, or I read your mind every time I think you’re running low on supplies and get what you need, making a whole lot more trouble.”

“If you actually read my mind, I’d break up with you.” I said coldly.

Twilight smiled blankly. “It’s not really an option for you, but it’s cute that you think it is. Take the bits, Sweetie.”

I swallowed my pride after a few long, hard moments. I didn’t want to accept more of Twilight’s charity, further indebting myself to her, but I didn’t have much of a fucking choice. She was giving me yet another ultimatum, and yet again there was little I could do about it. My usual tricks didn’t apply to the situation since I couldn't figure out how to make Twilight see my side of things, so I had to take the money. I saw Twilight smile, but it was harder to look her in the eye that she probably realized.

“See? All that fuss just wasn’t worth it, was it?”

“Sure. Were we about to go do something?”

“We were about to go shopping! Oh, I’m so excited to be doing this with you! I’ve always wanted to go shopping with a guy!”

“... What are we shopping for again?”

“Would you wear a thong for me?” Twilight asked hopefully.

I don’t know what to call the look that cropped up on my face, but it was a doozy. “Ya h’wut now? I-I ain’t a thong guy. Boxers and boxer-briefs.”

“But your butt is so made for thongs!” Twilight pouted.

“I don’t even like thongs on women. I don’t want anything going between my cheeks, Purps.”

“... So that’s a no to that kind of thing too?”

I flinched. “Dear Max, yes. Don’t- Don’t finger my butt. Like, please.”

“... You really aren’t like an Arcadian guy. Every married woman I’ve talked to says that their man likes it like that.”

“I don’t. I’m cool. Super frosty, actually. Count me out.”

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank goodness. I don’t really want to stick my fingers in a place where waste comes out of.”

“Just because I don’t want it done to me doesn’t mean I don’t wanna do it to you.” I teased.

Twilight blushed. “... We could talk about it, I guess. You’d stop if I didn’t like it, right?”

“Nope, I’d just keep going until you passed gas.” I replied casually.

“Oh my gosh! Jay!”

I grinned at her, but I wasn't exactly happy at the moment. “I would stop whenever you want, Twilight. I don’t exactly want to make you uncomfortable.”

“Well thank you for being sweet.” She stroked my cheek, so I bent down for a quick peck. “Why don’t we go ahead and get started with our shopping?”

I didn’t have a problem with it, so that’s exactly what we did. I made it a point to go to a couple smiths and artisans in town so I could ask them about where they got their raw materials from, but Twilight waited until after I sourced my info to tell me that she would help me buy whatever I needed through her connections. It was nice to have back ups, however, so we finished up with the leather guy and we went clothes shopping since Twilight had filled my wardrobe with things she wanted me to wear, but I didn’t have a say in choosing. She didn’t let me use the money she’d given me to buy anything and that made me feel like a faggot, so once we were done shopping, I invited Twilight over to my shop for a cup of coffee. We had to go buy coffee and got some tea while we were at it, but once we got to my place, I made us a pot of tea since Twilight wasn’t in the mood for the browner beverage.

We fucked since I didn’t have another way to pay Twilight back, and I’ve gotta say that being put in a female’s shoes from back on Earth makes me feel weird and just… bad. I don’t like people trying to take care of me, or being extra nice to me for no reason, or the hungry looks I attract while just walking down the street in normal clothes. I don’t like the fact that I garner respect for actually trying to work and that I get disrespected just for having a dick. Like, there have been hella perks with Twilight and having more people be more likely to lend a hand when I need it is nice, but still. I don’t like being put on a pedestal half the time and being treated like my voice is null the other half, but there just wasn’t and isn’t anything I can do about it while on an alien planet with thousands of years of tradition backing their societal gender roles. Shit like that has to change with the times; I can resist as hard as I want, but other than becoming an asshole to everyone who doesn’t treat me with the proper respect I desire, I don’t really see a way to get what I want in this one.

I made sure that Twilight could barely stand by the time we were done, and after a nice little shower, I helped her get down the stairs since her legs were still feeling funny, which in retrospect makes that Ed Sheeran reference seem like it was foreshadowing. I could still sweep Twilight off her feet, but I didn’t feel like it. We chatted for awhile about some more random stuff until she said her goodbyes and teleported out. I had nothing else to do, so I went back to making puzzles and copying the successful ones with the transmutation circle Twilight had drawn up for me. It only struck me to get my Rubik’s Cube from my bag after having copied a few Montessori’s over from memory, but when I went and got it, I had to take thirty minutes to solve it anyway. Once you learn the trick, it’s actually easy as shit, but I’d never actually read or written it down, so my memory was foggy on how to get the synapses going again.

Once I’d worn myself out of magic for the third or fourth time, I took my happy ass to bed.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

I’d gone to sleep around two in the morning and woke up around eight, so I was feeling good to go and ready to when I opened up shop. I left the door to the back open while I started sawing down some wood to make a sign, which only took a couple of hours in the early morning. Once I had my thing made, I had to go searching though my storage closet to see if I had any paint, and much to my pleasure, I had quite a few cans of stuff in different colors, so I painted the fuck out of that sign like it was a slutty freshman and I was an entire Frat worth of dudes who were willing to pay two hundred a head to hit in the gangbang. In other words, shit got done and it got done right. A little messy, but right.

I used a spare brush to paint a rune onto the sign that would help the paint dry, then I carved a runeset into it that would make it tougher and less likely to mold if I left it outside too long. It was actually a construction style runeset that would usually get put on a house on one of the studs if someone could afford it, which made me write a note and tuck it into my pocket for later. Shortly after I wrote my note, my first visitor of the day came through, and I say visitor and not customer because it was Sweetie Belle.

“Hello? Is anyone here?” She called out. “The sign said you were open…”

I stood up from behind the counter. “Yo! What’s up, Belle?”

“Jay! I haven’t seen you in a hot minute!” She beamed at me and clasped her hands together. “How long are you going to wait to give me a hug, you lunkhead?”

I chuckled and walked around to give her the thing she asked for. “It’s good to see you again, Belle. It’s been a couple weeks, hasn’t it?”

“It sure has! I heard that you got hurt, but the only place I knew to look for you was Sweet Apple Acres…” She frowned and gave me a pensive look.

“Yeah, it wasn’t the best idea for me to go back. I don’t know if I should, but I just don’t want to start anythin’. No one from the Apple Family’s tried to contact me yet, so if they wanna just let this one go, I’ll be happier for it.”

“... You’re just okay with the fact that Applejack put you in the hospital?” Sweetie Belle asked slowly.

“No, but bein’ pissy about it when she’s already in deep shit is pointless. I did her one last favor and I’m gonna go ahead and say we’re square.”

“So you’re the reason the Granny couldn’t get her out!” Belle cried.

“Tough Cookie said Applejack would’ve gotten fucked up, so I did her a solid. Was I wrong?”

“No! Oh my gosh, Jay, you’re like, the most merciful guy I’ve ever met. Arcadia might be a country of peace, but that just means that when someone gets violent, people stop caring about what happens to them. A lot of people in your position would’ve let Applejack go home and... “ Sweetie Belle looked around the shop fearfully.

“And what, Belle?” I asked softly. “Trust me, it’s safe here.”

She swallowed hard. “There are a lot of rumors about the Fruit Families, Jay. A lot of really bad ones, and the Apple Family always has the worst rumors. I heard someone say that Applejack was going to have glass bottle broken inside of her!”

“Rumors are rumors, but Tough Cookie herself told me that Applejack would have caught some lashes and a brand at the very least.” I said soberly.

“Those don’t sound quite as bad, but still. Thank you for being a good guy, Jay. I know Apple Bloom was so relieved when she heard that Applejack wasn’t coming home that she started crying out of happiness.”

“Do you know when Applejack’s supposed to go to court?” I asked. “I mean, no one’s said anything about a trial or anything.”

Belle shook her head. “There isn’t going to be one. Twilight said she saw Applejack hurt you herself, and nobody needs to check her memory since she’s the one who makes the rules around here. Applejack still hasn’t been sentenced, but it’s looking like Servitutem is going to be invoked.” She gave me an unreadable look, her face blank.

“Servitutem?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“... Gonna need an explanation on that one. It sounds like the Latin word for ‘Slave’, but this is a different planet.” I said, hoping that it didn’t mean slave.

“Well, no one actually knows what the word means anymore, but yes, that’s effectively it.” Belle replied neutrally.

“... Bitch, if you tellin’ me that I just made Applejack a slave instead a’ lettin her catch a few scars, Imma be salty as fuck.”

“... You’d rather let Applejack get branded then have her clean your shop or something? Jay, what do you think Arcadian Servitutem is?” She asked worriedly.

“Slavery. I tell her to do something, she has no choice but to do it. I don’t like that.”

“Well, yeah, but Servitutem means that you can’t just hurt your ward like in Nullord and Zgaria, and it’s not like it’s a going to be a lifelong sentence. Applejack is still going to have to come when you call and do ninety percent of what you say, but she doesn’t have to sleep with you, get hit by you, or do things that would get her severely hurt.” Belle explained.

“Still. I don’t like the idea of having someone be forced to do what I want them to do, so I guess I’m gonna push for Servitutem and not do a damn thing with it.” I walked behind my counter, grabbed some paper from my work table, and wrote another note to remind myself to talk to Twilight about it.

“If you can actually manage to go Applejack’s entire sentence without making her do anything she doesn’t want to, I’ll buy you whatever meal you want for a week. Breakfast, lunch, and dinner all day for a week.” Belle bargained.

I walked back around the counter and offered her my hand. “If I can’t do it, then I’ll return the favor.”

She gave me a look. “Yeah, no. I’m not letting a man pay for my food.”

“I come from a planet where letting a woman pay for you is humiliating. If I win, we head to The Coffee Pot and split the bill fifty-fifty.”

“... You actually eat there?” Belle asked.

“Uh, yeah? Their food is delicious.”

“Yeah, but Tea Leaf works there.”

“Tea Leaf?” I asked, raising a brow.

“Yeah. She’s this weird woman with blue eyes and brow hair and she’s like Pinkie, but more enigmatic. She always knows how you’re feeling and she always knows what your hungry for. It’s weird.” Sweetie Belle shivered.

“Belle, she’s magic. It’s obvious.” I scoffed.

“She’s an Icarian who lives on the ground! She’s unnatural, Jay!”

“Hey, if we’re talking about the same person, then I’d suggest that you keep that particular opinion to yourself. ‘Coffee Cup’ might be a little odd, but she’s a good woman with an eye for divination. Hell, depending on when you catch her, she’s either sweeter than Pinkie or funny and foul-mouthed.”

Belle pursed her lips. “I don’t think she’s going to win me over anytime soon.”

“So that’s a no to The Coffee Pot?”

“Cafe Brulee has these poached eggs that are to die for.” She tried.

I felt my eye twitch at the memory of the horribly Caucasian cooking. “Is there a place that serves like, pasta or something?”

“Uh… There aren’t any Haeledes in town that I know of, so there aren’t exactly and Haelede restaurants… Hmm… Oh! There’s a Kasu place that serves food from Tsuka-”

“Cyka blyat?” I asked, chuckling.

“T-S-U-K-A; Tsuka.” She said, giving me an odd look.

“Are Tsukans bitches or somethings?” I asked with plenty of mirth.

Belle seemed puzzled by that. “They’re Kasu, not Tsukans, and they actually pride themselves on being honorable warriors and archers. Kasu warriors are some of the coolest people on the planet.”

“Betcha I could take one down.” I grinned.

“You have to be a C-Rank Mundusian at least to be a Kasu Warrior, and good luck getting into their ranks if you’re less than a B-Rank as an Icarian.” Belle said with a little bit of salt.

“I’m guessing that Medeis don’t get many opportunities?”

“Well, the thing about that is that Zgaria, Nullord, and Arcadia are the only countries with natural-born Medeis. There really aren’t many Medeis in Tsuka, and those that stay there are usually hiding from Arcadian or Zgarian law.”

“Ah. Have you ever performed in Tsuka?”

“Arcadians really don’t have any business being over there unless they’re trying to learn how to fight.” Sweetie Belle said. “Frankly, I wouldn’t want to go over to an entire country full of Mundusians anyway. Not to be biased, but living in a Mundusian town lets you see how they act when they get together and Mundusians tend to get rowdy.”

“It’s not rowdy until there’s blood involved.” I snorted. “Any, what brings you by? I’m sure you weren’t expecting to see me here.”

“Well, I heard that there was a new shop that was opening that was supposed to be offering enchantments soon, so I was looking for a Health Charm.”

I closed my eyes and opened my mental filing cabinets. “Ah, I can do that. I know two off of the top of my head, but we can dig through some of my books and we can find something cost effective both ways.”

Belle giggled. “I’m a decently popular singer, Jay. I don’t think you’ll break the bank with whatever you decide to charge.”

I chuckled. “I’d do it for free if I wasn’t trying to avoid touching the bits Twilight made me take. I’ve got two C-Rank general wellness runes that I can whip up and there’s an actual Health Charm that I’m pretty confident in, but it’s a B-Rank.”

“Well, do the C-Rank runes do the same thing?”

“Not quite. One helps protect against stuff like the common cold and stuffy noses while the other is more of a healing charm slash ward against scrapes and bruises.” I explained.

“Oh! I definitely need the sickness one!” Belle said excitedly.

“Hold on now, Belle. The Health Charm is like that charm, but more potent, and I can modify it based on what you want. The only things I’ll need are either a magic conduit battery, a high calorie meal, or some raw mana to help me set the rune in house.”

“Oh, can you partially charge it? There’s a Mana Well in the park that you have to pay to use, but they charge by the mana you consume while you’re there.”

“Yeah, I can do a partial fill on it if you want the B-Rank rune.”

“That’s great! Do I need to come back with a blank charm bracelet, or can you make something here?”

I scratched my head. “Fu-ckin’ uhhh… I could make you a talisman type thing, otherwise you’re gonna need that blank charm.”

Belle gave me a smile so sweet it made me feel like I ate too much sugar. “What would you charge me for a talisman, Cutie?”

“Well, I was just going to cut and polish some steel in the general shape of the rune. If you want me to use a different material, I’ll actually have to charge you for it.”

“Well what do you have?”

“I’ve got some bronze, silver, tool steel, blade steel, a few mini gold ingots, and a few other metals I’ve never heard of.”

“I’d love it if you made me a gold necklace! Oh! If you let me have one of your gold ingots, I can take it to Jade’s Jewelers and have it made into a charm blank!”

I didn’t really want to trust her with my shit since it was literal gold that I was putting in her hands, but Belle struck me as a trustworthy type, and she had plenty of money to keep her sated anyway. On top of that, she wanted a charm specifically, and she was a customer, so it’s not like I could really say no without losing her business. Anyway, I had another customer come in while Belle was away with the ingot, so I popped up from behind my all too tall counter.

“Hey there, good afternoon.” I said as I stood up.

The ginger woman started and dropped one of my display pieces. “Oh shoot!”

“You’re supposed to solve the puzzle, not break it.” I chuckled.

“I-I’m sorry, you just scared the bejeebers outta me! Give a woman a little warning, will you?” She picked up the rope-and-ring puzzle and inspected it. “So what is this stuff? Is this some Encantian avant-garde decor or something?”

“Well, I just said it was a puzzle, so I guess it becomes decor when you can’t figure out how to solve it.” I chuckled some more.

She blushed, the pink in her cheeks making her adorable freckles harder to see. “So you sell puzzles?”

“Puzzles, gadgets, tools; Etcetera etcetera. I’ll probably pick up more business for Artificery than what I actually build.”

The ginger gave me an odd look. “You’re an Articifer?”

“Artificer, and yeah.”

“... But you’re not Nullordian.” She said slowly.

“I’m not even Arcadian, Gingy.”

She gaped. “How do you know my Mom’s nickname for me!?”

“... You have orange hair, you’re pale, and you have freckles. You’re a ginger.”

“My name is Ginger!”

“Weird coincidence. Do you wanna buy a thing or find a life-easening rune?”

“... Yeah, we’re just gonna get over the part where you guessed my name and nickname. Uh… What kinds of runes do you specialize in?”

I tilted my head. “I don’t really ‘specialize’ in any one field. Going from a reloadable rune to a set one trips me up from time to time, but it’s not like I can’t fix my mistakes with a little planning.”

“So you can do special health runes?” She asked hopefully.

“I know a few by heart. What do you need?” I asked leaning on the counters, propping myself up on my forearms.

“My fiance and I are having a donor come in from Minceton and we’d really prefer it if he only had to make the one trip. I don’t want my fiance to be with a man more often than she has to, so a Fertility Charm would be great!” Ginger said.

I checked the mental filing cabinet, but I didn’t have a fertility rune committed to memory. “Do you know if it’s a runeset or if it’s just a single rune?”

“Uh… No clue, bud.”

“Right. Tell ya what; I’ve got a B-Rank modrune coming up anyway and I’ll probably be dumping a lot of mana into that, so why don’t you come back tomorrow after I’ve done some research? There’s never just one rune for most shit, so I’ll probably have some options for you by noon.” I gave her a lopsided grin.

Ginger checked her watch. “Noon tomorrow? Can I come by a little earlier?”

“I open at eight thirty.” I offered.

“Then I’ll be by around nine.” She said, smiling. “For now, can you tell me what the point of this is?” She held up the wooden puzzle she’d dropped earlier.

“Ah, you’re supposed to try to get the ring off of the rope without breaking or cutting anything. It’s possible, I assure you.”

“It doesn’t seem like it’d be impossible.” She scoffed.

“Take five to give it a shot.” I said, biting back dark laughter.

Five minutes later, Ginger let out a frustrated noise and said, “What the Tartarus! Shop Guy, there’s no way this comes off!”

“Bring it here, Gingy.” I said patronizingly.

She stormed over and put it on the counter. “I’m a Medeis too. I’ll know if you-” I reached out and solved the puzzle as she was talking. “Go fuck yourself. Seriously.”

I put the ring back on the rope properly and scooted it back to Ginger. “Wanna try again?”

“How much?” She grunted.

I beamed at her. “It’s a twenty bit pastime, but I’ll let you have it for fifteen if you don’t break it before you get out of the shop.”

Ginger glared at the thing and slammed a Twily onto the counter. “Can I have store credit instead of change?”

“Um… Yeah, sure. Good thing I have a couple of blank ledgers.” I walked over to one of the cabinets under my counter and grabbed one of the blank books from the stack. “Ten bits for Miss Ginger on the books.”

“That’s Ginger Root.” She corrected.

“And that’s why I left extra space for your name.” I filled in the blank. “Say, what’s up with the noun-adjective slash noun-noun names in Arcadia?”

She gave me a blank look. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Well, take you for instance. Your name is Ginger Root, right? Ginger is a plant, and a root is a part of a plant, but both words are nouns. Well, pronouns since they’re your name, but still. My name is Jay, and that’s just an abbreviation of Jameson, which is not a noun. Do you get where I’m coming from here?”

“No.” She said flatly.

“... Have fun with your puzzle.” I replied drily.

“I’m burning it if I can’t figure it out by the end of the week.” She said hotly.

“You know I make metal puzzle too, right? In fact, I also just started making puzzle cubes if you’re interested.”

“One at a time, bud.” Ginger picked up the puzzle and glared at it. “Once I solve this one, I’ll be back.”

“Except for the Fertility Charm.” I reminded.

“Ah, right! You’ll get started on that soon, right?”

“Leave me alone and I’ll do it now.” I jibed.

She gave me a look. “You’re a smartass.”

“Hey, I’m the smartest of the asses.” I grinned. “It’s insulting to label me as a commoner when I’m actually Professor Smartass. In fact, it’s more like Headmaster Smartass.”

“You’re weird, bud.” Ginger said frankly.

“And your hair looks like it’s on fire. What’s your point?”

“... I’m not a hothead.” She said, her cheeks reddening.

“Never said you were.” I let my right hand rest on Ol’ Faithful.

“Good.” She replied curtly. “Because I’m not.”

“You’re also lacking in the ass department, but that’s neither here nor there.”

Ginger laughed at me. “Bud, girls don’t care about what their butts look like. Most guys want to see a giant pair of back-breakers.”

I made a face. “Boobs are nice and all, but they’re decorations. A woman’s legs and rear are more fun to stroke and squeeze to me, and plus I find them more visually appealing. When a woman has great legs, she usually has a great ass.”

She frowned heavily, but didn’t quite glare at me. “You don’t like pawing at some poor woman’s chest for hours on end?”

“... Like I said; decorations. Hell, one of my girlfriends is barely a B-Cup.”

“How many do you have in your harem?” Ginger asked, arms folded, posture standoffish.

“Two. I had three, but my first girlfriend put her hands on me and I’m not trying to get fucked up.”

She winced and shame crossed her face. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean-”

“Ay, it’s cool. My point still stands though.”

Ginger huffed and squeezed her breasts together a little more like I wouldn’t notice. “Just because you don’t like boobs doesn’t mean that the general consensus changed.”

“In my country, more men were into the caboose than the… Y’know what? I don’t have a train analogy for boobs, but whatever. Guys where I’m from generally like booty because you can spank it, grab it, and if she’s open to it, go exploring.”

My customer blushed and nodded. “I prefer butts myself, but I never thought I’d be talking to a guy I barely knew about sexual preferences.”

“I never thought a ginger wouldn’t try to eat my soul upon coming into contact with me, yet here we are.” I replied.

“I don’t get it.”

“Don’t worry about it.” I rapped the counter twice with my knuckles as I saw someone prepare to open the door. “Ayyy, it’s looking like I’m actually picking up some business.”

Ginger turned to see who it was. “Clear Sky! How are you, Hun?”

“Ginger! I’m doing fine, Babydoll, how about you?” The familiar voice replied.

“Still a little nervous about that Minceton donor, but hopefully Mr. Shop Guy can whip me up a Fertility Charm that does the trick the first time around.”

“Shop Guy told you his name already.” I said irritably.

Ginger turned and shrugged. “I forgot what it was.”

“It’s Jay.” I replied drolly.

“Like Blue Jay?”

“No. Just Jay. Like the letter.”

“Jay? You mean Ty’s brother Jay?” Sky peered around Ginger and smiled at me. “It is you! How’ve you been, Buddy?”

“I’ve been better, been a lot worse. I opened up a shop. What’s going on in your world?” I asked casually.

“Well, I’ve been trying to keep Strats’ schedule, but it’s been a challenge so far.” Clear Skies sighed. “Rainbow Dash, our Division leader, keeps putting in orders for sunny days which means that our cloud reservoir is building, and it’s probably going out come out during fall or winter, and it’s going to suck something fierce. Just can’t tell that dumb bitch anything.”

“There aren’t any male Icarians under her, are there?” I asked carefully.

She gave me a look. “We run through them like raindrops. Rainbow tortures any guy who tries to do more than bust clouds.”

“Isn’t that all she’s having you guys do? I mean, I look up and I see you crazy magic mother fuckers punching clouds apart like that’s supposed to make sense according to the laws of reality all the time.” I rubbed my chin, curious like a cat, but less likely to die from investigating my interests.

Clear Sky shook her head. “That’s not all we do. We also take trips to Aeriopolis to give reports, receive special training, and occasionally see the Wonderbolts. It’s not that far away if you’re a fast flyer, but Rainbow makes it a point to give guys sketchy schedules so it’s hard for them to go for more than a day at a time, and she never picks them to go to Aeriopolis. If you say anything, then she tells you to deal with it or leave. I mean, the way she treats men is a shame, but that’s just how it is for guys in Arcadia.”

Ginger was nodding right along. “Even Fancy Pants, probably the richest model in Encantia, still answers to his wife publically, Madam Fleur De Lis. A man known for his daunting physique and stubborn negotiations still bends his knee.” She purred creepily. It probably should have been sexy, but I felt like she was gonna rape that dude despite being a lesbian.

Sky was clearly uncomfortable. “... Aren’t you gay?”

“Sexy is sexy. Fancy’s the only guy who’d get a finger anywhere other than my hand.”

“Right. But aren’t there independant men who own their own businesses or something? Male royalty?” I inquired, not really liking my own expectations.

“Of course there are, but no one really takes those companies seriously since they’re mostly male due to the fact that few enough women want to answer to a guy, and the two ‘Princes’ are both jokes. It apparently just doesn’t matter that guys can manufacture goods, fill desks, and manage teams just as well as a woman, or that there are competent, humble guys who could be real royalty.” Clear Sky scowled. “And we wonder why more men are starting to head west with their harems.”

“Man, now I just wanna wait for some female to come at me sideways. Like, how the fuck- Bruh, this is like the nineteen fifties version of America with less technology and I’m the trophy wife. Bruh.” I grumbled, more than slightly pissed.

“... What’s that even mean?” Ginger asked.

“It means I need to make gloves for winter.” I replied, cooling my tone. “It’s gonna be a bad one, right?”

“If Captain Dumbass keeps it up, yeah.” Sky sighed. “Look, Jay, I know I said… A lot. I said a lot, but don’t do something rash because of it. I know it’s an injustice, but angry actions solve nothing.”

“That’s why I’ll be making gloves after I research a rune for a customer. Speaking of, what can I help you with?” I asked.

Sky blinked. “What.”

“This is a shop. You got sidetracked by Ginger, then by conversation, but this is my shop.”

“And with that, I’ll be back tomorrow for my charm.” Ginger said. “Expect me to pay you less since you’re a guy.”

Clear Sky glared at her. “Don’t joke about that.”

Ginger grinned and actually started to leave. “What? I’m not allowed to haggle?”

The Icarian gave her a dirty look. “He’s a friend of Applejack’s.”

I loved the way the freckles almost seemed to get darker as the blood drained from Ginger Root’s face. “... Small town small world.” She chuckled awkwardly for a little too long in an equally awkward silence. Her exit was entertaining to say the least as she twitched and jerked, trying not to run out of the shop.

When she was gone, Sky asked, “I don’t think she was being serious, but it never hurts to be sure, right?”

I nodded. “Right. Thank you for that, Sky. I would’ve just goaded her into throwin’ the first punch so I could lay her out, but your way was less bloody.”

She blinked at me. “... What?”

“It really rather quite bothers me when someone looks down on me. Chaps my ass and loads my gun for me.” I smiled.

“... Right... “ She glanced behind her at the door and I wondered what the fuck was up with people being scared of shit in my shop. “I… Jay, I need to ask you a question and you need to promise me that it stays between us.”

“We barely know each other, Sweets. I set you up to fuck my brother and we agreed to meet up and do something at an undisclosed date. That’s asking a lot.”

“I know, I know, but if you’re as upset about the way men are treated in Arcadia as I am, then it’s not really that much. I think we’re on the same page.” She winked, her face flat.

It took a second to click into place. “... Yeah, we are. Let’s talk in the back.”

I rolled on over to the front door and flipped my sign so that I was officially closed before taking Clear Sky to the back of the shop for what I assumed was going to be a very interesting chat. She didn’t wait long to say, “I didn’t want to say anything in front of Ginger, but Rainbow Dash needs to be put down. She’s already caused a more than a dozen men to take their own lives, a few women, and she barely even cares! She kills people’s dreams with a smile on her face like she’s watching a fat cat fall out off of a table, so Strats and I are leading a squad of the Equalists here in Magiville and we already have Tough Cookie on our side, but if we had an Artificer to help us gear up and get the drop on a few targets…” She left the left for me to put together myself.

“Can she dodge an arrow?” I asked.

“From a shortbow, yes. No one can set up a shot on her with a longbow.”

“What about a recurve or a crossbow?”

“... What?” Sky asked, befuddled.

“Alright, so I can’t make a recurve bow, but I can make you a compound bow with a draw weight heavy enough to get the job done. It’s gonna take me a minute since I’ll have to do some digging, but I can get one put together in about a week if I don’t have much to do at night. However, I can make ya a crossbow in like, three days. It’ll take about a week to learn how to shoot it though.” I replied, already drawing up ideas for improvements of conventional versions of both options.

“... We have a Double A-Rank Mundusian. Does that help?”

“... What all are we working with?” I sighed.

“She’s the one who’s most likely going to get the target. Her best weapon is a slingshot.”

“... Bruh. I mean, like, bruuuh.”

“That’s bad, isn’t it.” Sky said, not really asking a question.

I held my silence for a little bit and started walking around the shop, looking at things, piecing together the puzzle.. It came in intricate pieces, like how the resistance cogs would be bolted into place as the compensator slid along it. The pipe had to at least have three inches of inner circumference to fit a viable pulley, and the trigger mechanism would have to have an especially tough flipper to stop it from straight up breaking with the magical mass I was planning on adding to the counterweight, but I was planning on carving runes into everything anyway.

“Jay? Are you alright?” Sky asked after a minute or two.

“I’m straight. I’ll have a slingshot ready for you in two days.” I said robotically, the schematic already in my head. “If you get caught with it, you stole it from me.”

“Gotcha. I’ll have to take you out for a drink after this particular mission is over.” Clear Sky said platonically.

“I don’t drink, but I do eat. Grab food somewhere of your choosing.”

She snorted. “I’m not going to let you trick me into that. You’re going to hate wherever I pick.”

I gave her a shitty look. “Isn’t that a stereotype?”

“I’ve yet to date a guy who didn’t hate it when I picked where we ate.”

“I’m from a different planet.”

“... Point Jay. I’m going to head out, so do you want me to flip your sign?”

“If you wouldn’t mind. If you see singing sensation Sweetie Belle on your way, send her back if you don’t mind.”

“No problem. I’ll tell Strats to come by for an induction if you want into the Equalists.”

“I’m dating Twilight Sparkle.” I said softly. “It’s unwise for me to do much more than I’ve already promised.”

“... Holy shit, I almost sank the ship.” Sky breathed.

“You’re good, Sweets. Just keep it quiet and don’t get caught. Actually, come back two nights from now and I’ll leave my shop unlocked so you can come and steal the slingshot so they don’t do a memory check or some shit.”

“Ah! That’s pretty smart! Are you sure you haven’t done something like this before?”

“You don’t want me to answer that.” I said flatly. At her stunned look, I asked, “Weren’t you going to go flip my sign or something? I don’t see much flipping going on around here.”

She gave me a look, having shaken off her mild shock. “Whatever, Jay. Leave the thing somewhere easy to see, okay?”

“It’ll be on the worktable, so shoo.” I shooed her off.

She rolled her eyes and took her leave, so I had a quick lunch and reopened the shop shortly after. I decided to start looking for Fertility Charms in The Runic Compendium since it was basically just a rune encyclopedia, and it didn’t take all that long to find a couple in each rank. I practiced my craft and made a couple of talismans of some sub C-Rank runes, which got me fucking burned once because talismans are tricky little bitches. All you have to do is shape your material down to follow the design of the rune, but depending on the density of the metal you use, it’ll just get hot or it’ll roast your ass. It’s mostly because talismans set faster than normal runes, but it’s partially because they also take a bit more magic to make, hence why I ate lunch before trying to do anything.

I started working on some gloves in the front of my shop by scraping off layers of leather for an hour until I had something I could actually work with. After that, I cut a purposefully fucked up hand out of the same sheet of leather I’d been using for a couple things at that point and fucked around until I got the design in my head made into life. My gloves had a few extra holes in them since I’d made them too small once, but with some and and use, I was willing to bet that the little pieces of P.P.E. were going to be doing me plenty of favours. I had another quick snack and let that digest for a while to get my mana stores back up while I waited for a customer or something, and it was then that I realized that retail sucks. Like, It was cool that I’d gotten to aid a rebellion of sorts, but they were basically terrorists in the grand scheme of things and that made me smile. I also considered Malcolm X a terrorist until he got wise, but he was still willing to fight for what he believed in, and I respect that up to a certain point.

To take a quick aside because this is more of a tell-all than a journal, I didn’t and still don’t condone racism. I joke about White people food because no one takes offense to it unless, and this should be fuckin’ obvious, you’re saying it to someone who cooked your meal. Malcolm X preached for vengeance, but dude was wrong. Then dude went to Mecca, wised up, and got killed because he wasn’t toeing the line anymore, but that’s an extremely abridged version that does Mr. Malik El-Shabazz no real amount of justice. The point I’m trying to make is that while I think that going the extra mile for your cause is a good thing, you shouldn’t have to put people down to do it. I’m a hypocrite, I know, but I’m a hypocrite with wisdom, dammit.

Anyway, Sweetie Belle eventually came back about an hour before I was going to close up shop and I got her Health Charm finished by the time I was due to close. I placed the necklace on the counter once I was finished and Belle gave me a brilliant smile. “So it’s done?”

“It’s about as set as I can get it for the time being.” I replied.

“Oh, thank you! So how much do I owe you for this?”

“How much are you trying to pay?” I asked, deflecting back to her.

“... Well, the last Health Charm I saw was a C-Class that didn’t do nearly as much as the one you made. The Runic Compendium said that it protected against colds, flu, cuts, mild concussions, and promoted healthy hair and nails, right?” Belle asked.

I scoffed. “It said that. I had to turn it from a modrune to a runeset, which is why it took me so long. It needed the full suite to be written out, which it did not say in the book. It’s still a B-Class and it still does all those things, but it’s going to take a little more mana to fill.”

“Oh… Then how does a Celly sound?” Belle asked, her voice carrying a strange quality.

I grimaced. “Call it eighty and we’ll be fine.”

Her jaw dropped. “A-Are you sure about that? I mean, I know we’re friends, but-”

“Meet me in the middle?” I asked, all too ready to move onto my next task.

Sweetie Belle gave me a confused look. “I guess a man really can’t run a business.”

“It’s not like I have any experience in the field, dumbass.” I sneered. “I’m a mechanic; part time puzzle guy. I’ve never had to sell anything other than rocks and weed. And actual candy, but still.”

“... If you don’t know how to run a business, why did you buy a shop?” Belle asked, even more confused.

“Twilight bought the shop and basically told me to figure it out. I’m tryna work it, but…” I shrugged and raised my palms. “I don’t actually know anything about this sort of shit.”

Belle fished around in her purse and laid two Prinnies on the countertop. “B-Rank runes are generally a hundred and fifty bits because they’re so hard to get right, but that’s D-Rank Artificer’s making B-Rank runes. You should ask Twilight about apprenticing for another Artificer sometime before you do more B-Rank runes, honestly. If someone asks you for a particularly complex one and you don’t know what to charge, you’re probably going to get haggled hard.”

“Alright, then. I’ll have to see Twilight after I get another customer squared away. What should I be charging for a Fertility Charm and/or talisman?”

“Well, a charm at a C-Rank would be worth a Looney to most women, and a talisman would probably net you eighty-five or ninety bits depending on how frugal you want to be.”

“Oh, I’m charging her a Celly for the talisman and ninety-nine bits for the charm.” I grinned evilly. “Teach that bitch to disrespect me in my shop.”

“... So she can go around telling everyone that you overcharge for runes?”

“I’m the only Artificer in town.” I replied.

“Ah. Right. Huh. I guess you kind of have a corner on the market.”

I shrugged. “Spread the word and get me heard.”

“I’ll talk to Spoiled Rich about coming here for a… Vitality rune for her husband. I know Rarity’s been going on and on about it forever. Why my sister stays so entrenched in other people’s business, I’ll never know. I just want her to shut up about it.” Belle said irritably.

“Viagra in a rune. Huh. I’ll wait to look into it until they actually come.” I picked up the coins Belle had laid on the counter, keeping the Celly and laying the Caddy back down. “Hundred bits sounds fair to me for my first B-Rank rune. I know I felt the partial set, but it’s not as pretty as it could be.”

Belle took her coin back with a smile. “You know, you really are a nice guy. I’ve heard that you’re supposed to finish last.”

“Ask Twilight about the second part.” I quipped.

Sweetie Belle’s face lit up and she sputtered. “U-Uh… I wasn’t really expecting you to go there to be honest with you. Most guys would have just flipped me off.”

“From a different planet.”

“Didn’t you say that already?”

“Why’d you make me say it again?”

“Shut up, smartass.” Belle huffed.

“Hey, if you wanna go, we can go. I’ll take you down, half pint.” I shot back.

“Hey! That’s not fair! You’re bigger than me!”

“Yeah, so? You’re the woman.” I mocked.

Belle blushed and crossed her arms. “You’re lucky I don’t know any prank spells or you’d be standing there with wet undies!”

I beamed at her as I slid my hand over a rune hidden behind my desk. “What’s your cup size?”

“A-Cup. Why- Wait, I didn’t want to tell you that! JAY!” Sweetie Belle protested.

I bit my lip to stop from giggling at her. “It’s okay, Sweetie Belle. I’ve heard milk helps.”

She flipped me off. “I have no problems with my chest, thank you very much!”

I opened my mouth to make it so much worse, but I saw her lower lip start to tremble and sighed. “Ah, man. I’m too funny for this life.”

“You’re not funny at all.” Belle grumbled.

“I’m sorry, Belle, I wasn’t trying to hurt your feelings.” I said sincerely. “I was, however, trying to fuck with you.”

“Mission successful.” She muttered.

I walked around the counter and gave her a hug that she returned after a little bit. “Again, I’m sorry.”

“... I’m not flat.” Belle replied grumpily.

I wanted to say ‘Close enough’ or ‘Can we get a level to check?’, but I still wanted Belle to like me, so I went with, “I never said you were, I just said that you need milk to help strengthen your bones and teeth so you can grow from the adorable preteen girl that you are into a stunning young-” She jammed her thumb into my side. “Nope, not a lady at all.”

“Hey! Just because you’re a butthead doesn’t mean I’m mean to everyone! You’re just giving me a lot of good reasons.”

“I’m also tired and want to get started on my side job, so get your thumb out of my side and love me, Shorty.”

She did as I asked and said, “Please don’t make fun of my chest.”

“I’ll avoid it in the future. Can I still make fun of you for being short?”

“Shut up, tubby.”

I picked her up and carried her outside so I could set her down, lock the door, and go back in. Belle stood at the door, glaring at me for like three minutes until I came back with her necklace. “Were you expecting me to come back?”

She gave me a look. “You’re a butt.”

“My butt’s nicer than yours.” I gave her the thing. “Have a nice evening, Belle.”

Sweetie Belle gave me a little smile. “I’d tell you to have a good night, but you’re a butt. Butt’s can’t talk.”

I made a farting noise with my hands and Belle gave me a fucked up look before she finally got the fuck out of my hair. With her out of the way, I could get back to making the mechanism that would go inside of my high-tech slingshot, which took a fucking minute. I ended up staying up late to finish getting the pieces of the mechanism sized and prepped for assembly, but I was fucking starving since I’d drained my magic to fill Sweetie Belle’s charm and my Alchemy rune decahedron cost more magic to use. Twilight had warned me that using too much magic would start burning fat straight off of my body, and when the hunger pains grew to the point where I couldn’t make it off of my floor, I figured out exactly what she meant.

Everything from my fingers to my toes felt like it was melting from the inside as a thick, fuckin’ gross liquid started oozing from the fattiest parts of my body, namely my belly, thighs, and ass. The straight disgust I felt from having my body fat ooze out of me was overshadowed by a mile, and the monolith that was standing over it was the amount of fucking pain I was in. After a few minutes of agony, my skin started to swell and before I knew it, the feeling was gone and I started to deflate as I lay in a puddle of foul-smelling, slightly glowing… Goop, that made life just suck.

The worst part of the ordeal was when my skin started sloughing off and regrowing rapidly, which happened shortly after I managed to catch my breath from being fat-burnified. Unlike when my insides had been melting, I couldn’t grit my teeth and ride this one out with grunts of distress. I roared my pain out, trying to get a grip on myself while the invisible knives were slicing away at me, while the hooks pulled at the raw flesh, while my bones condensed and felt like they were cracking. That was the longest part of the ordeal, and I have to say that it was the shittiest by far. When the unfortunate event was over, I was physically and mentally drained, but I wasn’t in excruciating pain anymore. Life was still sucking since I was covered in new, raw skin, although I could still get out of the puddle of ick and up my stairs.

I resolved to throw the clothes I’d been wearing away after I took them off. Dead skin coated every part of me, and I made a point of it to wipe as much of it off as I could before getting in the shower. I still clogged the drain with what I missed because I was just that exhausted, but I did manage to get clean at least. Drying off was Hellish, but I was good to get dressed afterwards, but I just wasn’t hungry for anything. I had some more bread, cheese, butter, and a few snacks that I could chomp on to get my energy up, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Something was definitely wrong, but when I considered that I just didn’t want to eat what was in my house, I resolved to go go to The Coffee Pot to see if I was actually some kind of fucked up since ‘Coffee Cup’ could probably tell me one way or another. I guess the inborn hatred of doctors runs deep in all men: even those who try to keep a logical mind.

I headed downstairs once I got my head together and opened up shop while I cleaned up the mess that was on my fucking floor, and let me fucking tell you. LeT mE fUcKin’ TeLL ya. Fat? It doesn’t come out of hardwood. It doesn’t like to be mopped up. I had to grab a towel and scoop that shit up. The yellowish, reddish, pinkish shit was just some kinda fuckin’ gross and the smell had only gotten worse, so I opened the back door, set fire to the towel and the fat at the end of the alley so that the wind would carry the smoke out of town, and made sure to close the door to my workshop so that the front of the place didn’t start to reek.

Ginger came by at the proper time while I was waxing and waning with how ‘there’ I was at the moment and said, “Morning, Shop Guy. You look like shit.”

“Rough night.” I said, propping myself up on the counter. “I got a few Fertility Talismans made for you. They’re an F-Rank and a D-Rank. They were just supposed to be practice, but if you need it now, they’re all I can offer. They both turned out good; set just fine and all, they’re just not what I’d like to sell to ya.”

“... I was looking for an E-Rank charm. Do you think I’m made of money or something?”

I gave her a tired look. “Do you have any preference on metal?”

Ginger dug around in her purse for a second before producing a silver heart. “If you could inscribe it on this, that’d be great.”

I took the little bauble from her and frowned. “Putting a rune on this ain’t the problem. Getting it deep enough to do anything is gonna ruin the piece unless you want me to link it to a plate or something for ten more bits.”

“Been at this for awhile, huh?” Ginger remarked drily.

“It’s the basics of my job. The deeper the engraving, the stronger the rune. That’s why enchanted jewelry, as in the shit that’s actually worth something, is usually intralinked to a leyline circuit that’s usually only viable because someone wears so much shiny shit. Either that or they tie it to a fuckin’ metal cube and carry that instead of lookin’ like a flashy fuckhead.”

“... So how much is the rune itself going to cost me?”

I shrugged. “I don’t fuck with E-Rank runes because it’s basic shit. Fifteen bits for wasting my time, ten for making me backtrack, and five because you’re a ginger.”

“... I’m not even going to say anything. If that’s what you want to charge, then I’ll shut up.” Ginger smiled.

I held back a smirk since I knew that for the amount of effort I was putting in, I was getting the better end of the deal. “Do you want me to link it?”

“The total’s forty bits, right?”

“Sure is.”

“Then yes, please.” She asked politely.

“No problem. Either get lost or screw around with a puzzle for a little bit so I can make your thing.” I took it over to my work table and browsed through the quarter-inch thick, two by two plates that I’d cut using the magic plasma cutter that I finally figured out how use. I had to break down and she the simple instruction manual, but I still considered it a victory, even if my manly pride took a bit of a hit.

I grabbed The Runic Compendium and found the page I’d marked for personal/private health and dug around for an E-Rank fertility charm that was actually just a Celtic fucking knot. Like, it was seriously just a Celtic Knot, but that struck me as horribly, horribly understated for the symbology behind the triquetra. Granted I’m not and have never been into Celtic mythology, but I do like Western European history, and the Celts were fucking interesting. The symbol of unity should have been more than a simple fertility rune, so I wrote myself a note that reminded me to go talk to Twilight about runes.

After like, eight minutes of lazy, half-assed engraving, the rune set like I expected it to, but then I added some extra accents to make the rune look less forced. I rose from my seat while Ginger Root was trying to figure out a simple twisted nail puzzle and said, “Ay, it’s good.”

She snapped to attention and came over to inspect my work. “Huh. It’s kinda warm.”

“Runes tend to do that the closer they are to thing they’re linked to.” I said drily.

Ginger colored. “I’m not an Articifer! How am I supposed to know that!?”

“Artificer, and I’m not even from this planet, Sweets. You have no excuse.”

“What do you mean you’re not from this planet?” She asked suspiciously.

“I mean that the Creator thought I’d be better of here than on my home planet. I question his judgement, but then again, he said it was cool if I did.”

Ginger gave me a look before handing me a Caddy. “You’re crazy.”

“Everyone says that till the weasels attack.” I sighed, going over to my register to grab her change.

She stopped me short. “Hey, can I get more store credit instead of change again?”

I made an about face and grabbed the credit ledger. “Sure thing. Hell, at this rate you’ll be able to afford one of my puzzle cubes when they come out and you won’t even have to bring a penny.”

“Wait, you wanna charge twenty bits for a puzzle!? That’s highway robbery!”

“Tch. You don’t know how hard the puzzle is to solve.” I scoffed, baiting her.

“... Okay, so that little ring and rope puzzle still has me flummoxed, but what can you do with a cube that makes it a puzzle?”

“You cut it into thirty-six pieces and make people line up the pieces by color… Or color and number for increased difficulty.” I smiled brightly.

She grabbed the large nail puzzle she’d set down. “You know you can’t sell this one for twenty bits, right?”

“That one’s only ten. Five for material cost, five for construction.”

“Ah. I’ve never seen nails these big, so I’m guessing you make them yourself?” Ginger said disinterestedly.

“I make everything in here myself.” I grunted. “Idle hands makes a soft mind.”

She chuckled at that. “You sound like my Mom, which is weird because you’re a dude. Maybe I’m just biased, but you actually seem like a good guy.”

“I try. Now I’m gonna go grab somethin’ to eat. You’re welcome to do whatever.”

“Have fun with that.” She chuckled.

Ginger placed the twisted nail puzzle back where she found it and I followed her out of the shop. After locking up, I made my way over to The Coffee Pot, but I only got about two steps inside before ‘Coffee Cup’ came at me from a blindspot. “Have a seat, Jay. I’ve already got your order at your spot.”

“Hot damn, woman; will you marry me?” I asked, only half joking. Kinda.

She gave me an amused look. “You’re lucky that I picked up Mustard Green’s shift, Mister, now go and sit.”

“Sure, sure. Yes Ma’am.” I chuckled.

‘Coffee Cup’ hadn’t been lying when she said that she had a meal ready for me when I got to my usual spot, but it wasn’t a burger and a fucktonne of fries. Instead before me sat a bowl of the most divine smelling chili I’d ever had the pleasure of smelling, the spiciness tingling in my nose, but I had to have a sip of whatever potion ‘Coffee’ whipped up for me this time. The beverage was crystal clear with a slight blue tint to it, and when I sniffed it, it didn’t really smell like anything. When I sipped it, it wasn’t water, but it didn’t really have a distinct taste to it either. It vaguely reminded me of cream or something like that, so I figured that it was there to help cull the heat from the chili.

I wanted to wait for a little bit to eat, but my food was rapidly cooling, so I tucked in with the piece of bread provided alongside the bowl and got down to business. The chili was dope beyond heroin as far as I’m concerned. Like, it was a nice, clean high that left you craving more, but not as bad as I would guess heroin to be. Still, once I was full and ready to make someone’s nose give out of them, I drained the nearly flavorless beverage and put a Twily underneath the bowl for my favorite waitress since she didn’t come back while I was eating.

I was fucking exhausted before getting to The Coffee Pot, but with some food on my stomach, I could feel my heartbeat strengthening as I walked along, thudding along as the meal turned from food to mana or some shit. By the time I got to Twilight’s I was actually buzzing a little and felt pretty good for having spent the night in a puddle of my own fat and blood. Sure, I was a little lightheaded, but when you smoke as much dope I do, a little lightheadedness matters less and less.

When Spike answered the door, he blew a thin cloud of smoke out of his nose. “Hey man.”

“‘Sup dude? You alright?” I asked.

“Twilight’s being… Well, she’s not being cool. Let’s go with that.”

“Want me to handle this one?”

“If you can get through to her, please do. She’s with Rarity right now, so good luck.”

“If nothing else, I’ll just lick Twilight until she makes me stop. She oughta be offa whatever bullshit she’s on by then.” I replied easily.

“... Right. If it works, I’ll give you ten bits.”

“That’s if I even have to.” I reminded him. “Normal Twilight rules don’t apply to me.”

“Fair enough.” He turned around and lead me inside, stopping by the library part of the house long enough to say, “Twilight, your Boy-Toy is here.”

I flicked the back of his head and he gave me a shit eating grin. “You might breathe fire, but I have duct tape.”

“I don’t know what that is, but have fun.” He scoffed softly before heading upstairs.

I rounded the corner and came into the library bit where Twilight and Rarity were waiting for me to come in. “Afternoon, Purps, Rarity. What’s up?”
‘
Rarity gave me a stony look. “We were just discussing the value of having a significant other in your life. I say it’s better to wait for Mr. Right to come along.”

Twilight gave her a dirty look. ”My Mr. Right did come along! He’s stopping by to visit!”

“Actually, quote unquote 'Mr. Right' is stopping by to ask if he needs to go to the hospital since he had a magic meltdown.” I commented casually. “He wouldn’t mind coming back later if now’s a bad time.”

“Speaking about yourself in third person is terribly tacky, Darling.” Rarity sniped haughtily.

“Bein’ a twat’s tackier.” I replied smoothly. I turned to Twilight and asked, “So was the meltdown bad?”

Twilight cocked her head at me. “What does ‘twat’ mean?”

“I’d also like to know.” Rarity chimed in.

“Yeah cool, but I asked my question first.” I reminded. “I also need to know if I’m going to die, so can we answer mine first?”

“If you’re asking, you’re fine.” Twilight said dismissively. “It’s not like you were paralyzed for it, right?”

“Stuck on the floor for about seven hours.” I replied drily.

Her jaw dropped before it snapped closed and she shook her head. “Jay, tell me exactly what happened.”

I gave her a little smile. “Twat literally means vagina.”

“Why did you call me a set of genitals?” Rarity asked.

“It implies that it’s all you are.” I answered.

“... That’s not very nice.” The blue-violet haired woman said.

“Neither was taking shots at me.”

Rarity didn’t seem to care about turnabout being fair play. “I’ll thank you to not insult me, Jay.”

“I’ll thank you to keep my name out of your mouth.” I turned to Twilight. “Sweetie Belle came in and asked for a B-Rank Health Charm yesterday and-”

Twilight gave me a weird look. “Even if that drained you, runic magic wouldn’t leave you bone dry unless you had a Flowbound ATD.”

“The story wasn’t over.” I said drolly.

“Oh. Sorry.” Twilight blushed. “Still, I have to ask how much Magic you put into the charm.”

“Everything I could get through my ATD at the time.” I answered, glancing at Rarity. “She’s one of your closest friends, right?”

“Rarity? Of course!”

“Then I probably went overboard with transmutation. I was trying to size up some raw material so I could get it made into parts, then get it assembled, but I only got so far as getting the parts clean and prepped for assembly.”

Twilight stared at me. “... Jameson Underwood, how many consecutive transformations did you do without visiting a Mana Well?”

“Couldn’t tell ya.” I answered.

“Do you know how long you were at it?”

“Four hours, give or take.”

Rarity made a strange noise. “Darling, if that’s true, then you should be dead.”

I shrugged and patted my stomach. “Lost some weight, so it’s whatever.”

Twilight got up from her seat and beckoned me over with a finger. “Jay, come here for a sec, Sweetie.

“Are you going to nag at me?” I asked jokingly.

“No, Sweetie. Just come here for a second.” She requested sweetly.

Her bangs were partially in her eyes and they were wrinkled by her gentle smile, but there was a note in Twilight’s voice that made me extremely wary of doing what she asked. “You know what? Why don’t we-” She teleported me in front of her and reached up, gently taking my chin in her hand.

“Shh… Jay, you got really lucky, okay?” Twilight said softly.

“Cool.” I replied elegantly.

She poked my belly. “I thought your clothes seemed to be looser on you, but I thought it was just my imagination…”

I looked at her, hoping that she wasn’t planning on breaking my face. “Slim Jay bad Jay?”

“No, Slim Jay good, but I want you to promise me something.” Twilight said softly, her grip on my chin growing a little firmer.

“... Sure thing, Purps. What is it?”

“Don’t do stupid stuff like that again. Just because you upped your rank this time doesn’t mean that you’ll make it next time.”

“... I did the what now?”

“I have to agree, Jay. One doesn’t simply up their rank. It takes months, if not years for some unlucky sub D-Rankers,of exercising your pool of mana, not to mention practicing spells to go to the next rank!”

Twilight shrugged and turned to Rarity. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you, Rarity. Jay’s pool of Magic went from a C-Plus to a B-Minus. I don’t know how, but he skipped Double-C entirely.”

“Wait, what about Triple C?” I asked.

“Triple-C is B-Minus.” Twilight clarified. “The only ranks with a triple rating are A and F.”

“Ah. So my seven hours of suffering turned out to be for the best?” I asked.

“An MBO, Mana Burn Out, shouldn’t have made you up a rank by itself, Jay.” Rarity chimed in. “Like we’ve said, you shouldn’t be here right now. People who survive MBO’s like yours tend to drop ranks-”

“If they survive, but think about those usual circumstances, Rarity. Most people who have an MBO go from using next to none of their mana on a daily basis to using it like mad and ignoring the personal side-effects when they pop up. Ever since Jay opened his shop, he’s spent his time practicing runes and after I drew him up the Alchemy circle, I don’t doubt that he’s been using it to copy the puzzles he’s been making. If Jay actually had mana back on Earth and just didn’t know how to use it, then he must have stirred up a pool of mana so stagnant that running it dry didn’t matter until he started drawing on his Final Reserves.” Twilight lectured brutally.

“Yeah, I probably should’ve stopped when I started getting hungry.” I scratched my face.

Twilight and Rarity stared at me for a second. “What does that have to do with anything?” The asked simultaneously, almost like they were trying to make the perfect echo. They did pretty damn well in that aspect.

“When I start running low on mana I get hungry. After I eat, I usually have to wait a couple minutes before the juice goes loose, but still. Probably should’ve grabbed a snack instead of trying to power through.” I looked at them blankly because I didn’t know what expression I was supposed to be wearing.

“... Your heart didn’t start hurting?” Twilight asked.

“It did when the hunger pains made me hit the floor.” I replied. “Before that I was fine though.”

“... Okay, you’re an anomaly and we’re spending the day together tomorrow. I’ll pay you your losses for the day if I have to: I need to study you!” Twilight’s eyes took on a slightly creepy gleam and I glanced at Rarity.

She shrugged. “Don't look at me, Darling. I’m just a twat.”

“Maxdammit.” I muttered. “I guess I’ve gotta find a better hiding place now.”

“Hiding is useless!” Twilight cheered.

“Right. Magic girlfriend.” I pinched the bridge of my nose. “You’re not gonna try and probe me, are you?”

“... Is that a no to the probe?” She asked stupidly.

“Twilight, everyone says no to the probe.” Rarity drawled.

“Not everyone.” My creepy girlfriend huffed.

“Yeah, but I’m not one of those people. You can put your hands almost anywhere you want though as long as I’m allowed to touch you back.” I said.

“Deal!” Twilight said far too loudly.

Rarity sighed. “I suppose I should be off then.”

I gave Twilight a quick kiss. “It’s fine; I was just about to dip out. Have a good one, you two.”

“You’re not going anywhere.” Twilight snapped viciously.

Rarity raised her brows and puckered her lips slightly while I made sure Twilight had my full attention I examine my cards again, but this time I was playing Armello 3 and I had to roll against the Princess on turn two. My hand was full; loaded to the brim with avenues, but I only had six dice to roll and Twilight was guaranteed six hits. I burned three shield cards and prayed to RNGesus.

“... Purps, I-” I tried.

The glare she levelled at me shut me down cold, all three of my dice turning up Rot, but I couldn’t even figure out why she’d gone off. “You’re sleeping here tonight so I can keep an eye on you. Do you object.”

“... Is there-” Sleipnir reared back on four hooves in her eyes, preparing to mow me down. “... No.”

Twilight beamed at me. “Great! We can try sleeping in my bed tonight, but if you’re not comfortable, just wake me up and I’ll cuddle with you!”

It took a second and a little bit of extra bravery, but I managed to say, “I don’t like it when you do that, Twilight. It’s scary and alienating.”

She gave me a warm smile and pulled me down for a brief kiss. “But you know I’m only trying to look out for you and love you like you deserve, right?”

I put my hands on her waist. “It feels like you’re trying to own me.”

My psychotic girlfriend frowned. “I have co-ownership with Fluttershy.”

“... I’m not your property.” I replied coldly.

She rolled her eyes. “Not literally, silly, but spiritually, yes. Come on; let’s go get started on some of these tests so they don’t keep us up all night, okay?”

I sighed inwardly, but it was for the best. “Whatever you say, Purps.”

Twilight brought me in for another, longer kiss this time and I let her have it since I actually wanted to know if something was wrong with me, but I pulled away before too long. Rarity made a curious noise and said, “I suppose you two work together better than I might have thought. Twilight rightfully wears the panties in the relationship.”

“Don’t you have a cactus to shove up your rotten snatch?” I snapped.

Rarity’s jaw dropped and Twilight said, “Ooh! Rarity, he just shut you up!”

The snooty bitch closed her mouth and blushed. “I suppose some men don’t like being reminded of their place.”

“I suppose some women don’t know when they’re about to start losing teeth.” I said, deadass serious.

“Sweetie, calm down. Rarity’s just getting under your skin because you’re a guy with an actual spine.” Twilight patted my chest and gave me a little smile.

Rachety huffed. “I just think that there are standards for men to behave by, just as there are for women.”

“My standards are different than yours. Get over it.” I monotoned.

She gave me a look. “Evidently. I’d wish that you were impotent, but why ruin Twilight’s fun?” Deflecting to open up an avenue for peace? Fuck it, I guess.

“Twilight has enough fun without me.” I said pitifully. “Twilight doesn’t need me no more.”

I received a rib-crushing hug for my jests. “Don’t be silly! I’ll always need you, Snuggie Bear!”

I hugged her back. “Love you too. Can’t breathe.”

Twilight eased up and Rarity gave me a little smile. “So what draws you to Twilight?”

I held Twilight’s head against my chest. “Well, she’s pretty brilliant, she and her house are metaphorical wells of information, but Twilight is like a portable lecture on whatever subject you need. She’s also the perfect height to cuddle, she makes fun noises, and we’re physically compatible. It’s nice.”

Rarity raised a brow. “I see you’ve neglected to mention Twilight’s generosity.”

I rubbed Twilight’s back and thought of my answer carefully. “I appreciate Twilight’s generosity, but that’s not why I want to be with her.”

The especially pale woman gave me an amused look. “Could you tell me-”

“I wish Twilight hadn’t given me the shop.” I said bluntly. “She did, so I take care of it, and it’s nice that I can make money doing something I’m evidently good at, but I could have stayed here and forged out my own future with the handyman stuff that introduced us in the first place.”

She blinked and her face went to a neutral expression. “... You’re an odd man.”

“He’s my odd man.” Twilight huffed, getting off of me.

“That he is, Darling. I do believe I’ll leave you two to your testing, however.”

And with that, Rarity was off and Twilight was left alone with her favorite to for far too long. I’d go into that now, but my hand is killing me at the moment. I’ll pick it up here in a bit.

Chapter Eight: Done.

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Chapter Eight: Life With A Pet.

So I left off with Twilight dragging me downstairs into her basement to do some standard testing, right? We didn’t do anything too wild or wacky, which was fine by me since I really wasn’t trying to have Twilight science all over me with filthy magic influences. We ran a MRP diagnostic to see what was going on with the flow of the mana in my body and Twilight held onto the results, saying that while my readings were abnormal, it may have been because my mana was still trying to regulate itself. I was still kinda hungry, so I could see how that one would play into things, but then Twilight had an interesting suggestion.

“Hey Jay; your eyes are too sensitive for you to take your sunglasses off down here, aren’t they?” Twilight asked.

I gave her a nod. “The lights would make it suck.”

“Why don’t you try sapping the mana from your eyes and store it in your heart? It’s not like it’s unheard of to try moving mana from one part of the body to another.” She gave me an encouraging smile, so I narrowed my eyes and gave it a shot.

I focused on my eyes by making my vision go blurry, but once I got the blur going well enough, I felt something ‘pop into place’, in a manner of speaking, and I could easily visualize the process of moving my mana from my eyes to my heart, but that wasn’t all. I tried reversing the process and added more mana to my eyes, making them feel cold and twitchy. It was a little hard to focus, but when I laid eyes on Twilight, it was kinda worth the oddness. I could see the flow of mana faintly glowing under her skin like it was running through its own network of arteries and veins, which was pretty interesting, and when I took my sunglasses off, the lines were a little brighter, though so was everything else. I approached Twilight and asked to see her hand for a moment so I could try something.

With my thumb as my main probe, I tried making my mana flow through my arteries like Twilight’s mana was, but I was having a Hell of a time getting my shit to flow correctly. I couldn’t actually manage to do it, so I focused on keeping my mana in my eyes and flowing a little bit out through my thumb. My girlfriend commented on the fact that she could feel more mana in my hand, and when I mentioned that I was trying to poke her mana with mine, she had a question.

“Jay, why are you trying to mana-probe me?” She asked amusedly.

I put my sunglasses back on. “To see if I can give other people mana. I read about somethin’ similar in Runic Transfusion: Passing Down Legends and wanted to know if I could jumpstart someone if I ever needed to.”

“Are you sure you’re not trying to sap a little of mine?” Twilight gave me a condescending smile.

I flipped her hand over and kissed her knuckles. “I’d ask instead of halfass stealin’ it.”

She squeezed my hand and gave me a look. “You know I was just messing with you, right?”

“I don’t like being called a thief. Even if I do take somethin’, I try to give back.”

“That’s honorable in a sense, but you’d have more moral standing if you didn’t take the thing in the first place.”

I placed my hands on her hips and bent down to kiss her forehead. “What if it was a trade? I take your heart, I give you love and trouble?”

“It’s more like I gave you my heart, you give me a great night’s sleep when I ask for one.” Twilight stood on her tiptoes to kiss my neck.

“Are you trying to turn me on, or is my neck just as high as you can reach?”

“Yes.” Twilight gave me a little nibble and a wink. “I don’t want to get my hopes too high, but maybe after we do the RMI we can do some snuggling and see what happens from there?”

“The Retroactive Mana Indexer?” I asked, remembering the acronym from a glossary.

“It’s the mass indexer, but yes. We need to find out just how much weight you lost.” Twilight started leading the way, picking out a path through the multitude of runic polygons on her floor until we came to a brown square. “Just hop on in and let me set the time frame.”

I stepped into the circle and started popping my fingers. “So how long is this one going to take?”

Twilight pinched the air in front of me with her thumb and index finger before spreading them to produce a medium sized screen. She tapped a few indicators and swiped down before saying, “You lost about a yoke. That’s not good.”

“How much is that in pounds?” I asked uneasily.

“About twenty.” She frown, concerned. “Are you hungry at all? You do look a little dehydrated…”

“I could use a bite. And please tell me you have something other than water or coffee to drink.”

“... How much coffee do you drink?”

“More than I should. I try to drink a cup of water for every cup of coffee, but sometimes I need the energy, y’know?”

“Alright, is there a restaurant in town that you like? I can’t really cook, but I know of a few places that are really popular among the guys that come around town.” Twilight gave me a smile.

I raised a brow. “Which ones are popular among the locals?”

She rolled her eyes. “They’re all good, it’s just that I think you’ll like Chateau Foie Gras more than something like The Coffee Pot or West-to-East.”

“Actually, I love The Coffee Pot, but West-to-East sounds good.”

Twilight’s hands folded over her heart. “Y-You mean I don’t have to put duck liver in my mouth again? Ever?”

“Ew dude.” I made a face.

Twilight went to hug me and face planted on the rune’s wall since they only activate when the rune’s doing something. I tried not to chuckle at her and stepped out since RMI’s (mana and mass) only stop extra things from coming in so I could give her a hug. Twilight grumbled unkind things about invisible walls and her tendencies to forget about shutting runes down when she started talking, but I just gave her kisses until she stopped bitching. Apparently Twilight had been wanting to try West-to-East with one of her friends, but no one had made the time for it to date. However, she cited the need for a disguise since she didn’t want to be caught bringing a man to an establishment that was known to be a little rough around the edges since it would reflect poorly on her, though I thought she was being ridiculous.

Instead of disguising herself as another girl, Twilight decided to use a gender reversal spell so we could make it a man-date and I told her that she wasn’t getting a kiss from me until she changed back. I call Twilight ‘she’ in her male form because she still felt like a girl, she just had a dick between her legs. After borrowing some of Spike’s clothes, we made our way to the saloon and nabbed a couple of seats at the bar. When I asked for a beer, the woman behind the counter, Gin Tonic, asked if I wanted a light beer and I gave her a look.

“Babe, light beer is for women and queers. It doesn’t need to be black, but it does need to be decent.” I replied.

‘Dusk Dazzle’ chuckled and Tonic smirked at me. “Think you’re a regular tough guy, don’t you?”

Dusk patted my arm. “He’s tougher than you might think.”

Tonic rolled her eyes. “All you Dairy Boys think you’re tough shit. A Twily says you don’t make it to the bottom of a dark beer.”

I smirked at her. “A Twily? I might not be much of a drinker, but it’s just regular beer. It’s not like it’s liquor.”

“I’ve never seen a guy walk in here and get past two sips of my main supply. Tell you what; you and your cute little buddy manage to finish a pint apiece and you eat free instead.” The bartender offered. “How’s that sound?”

“Like you have bad business practices.” I said as I shook her hand.

She raised a brow. “Firm grip for a guy.”

“Keep it up and this guy is gonna end the day by spanking you for being a little shit.”

Dusk chuckled at that. “The only one you’d better be spanking is me.”

I shrugged. “Your ass is nicer anyway.”

Tonic rolled her eyes. “So what do y’all want? Have enough time to find the fanciest thing on the menu?”

I rolled my eyes. “Let me get the Double-Fried Slopped-Up Topped-Up Fries and a pulled pork sandwich.”

Tonic blinked at me before turning to Dusk. “... Alright. What do you want?”

She gave her a big smile. “Can I have the Saloon Shoot-Out Sliders?”

The bartender stared at Dusk for a second too before shaking her head. “It’s like y’all don’t even have dicks.”

I traded a brief look with Dusk and she was grinning, but I was a little salty. “I’ll slap you with mine, Babe.”

Gin shook her head. “If you’re not all talk, it wouldn’t surprise me if you were being serious.” She fucked off to go get our beer and place our orders.

Dusk broke out into a giggle fit until she realized that I wasn’t laughing. “Jay? Everything alright?”

“Can’t get a decent beer and I’m expected to eat nasty shit because of my gender. The fuck is this noise?” I grumbled.

“... So you don’t fit any of the male stereotypes?” She asked.

“No, not the Arcadian ones. Hell, I don’t even want a beer, but my masculinity won’t let me go to a bar and order a soft drink.”

“It’s weird to know that you hate being a guy so much, but it’s not like you’re trying to be a woman or anything… You’re just odd.”

I gave her a look. “I’ll spank you.”

“I’ll probably like it.” Dusk made a ‘What can you do?’ kinda face and shrugged.

“Kinky little minx.” I grumbled.

“What about if I spank you?” She teased.

“It’ll actually be a punishment.”

“Well that’s no fun.” She huffed with the voice of a guy. She already sounded gay as fuck.

“If you’d like to leave scratches on my back, then that’s all well and good,” I said quietly, “but I don’t exactly like being hit.”

“When you put it like that, it’s odd that I might be into it.”

Luckily for me, Gin returned with our beers and I made sure to maintain eye contact with her as I tried the brew. It was bitter, as expected, but I like bitter. “It’s not bad, but it’s real hoppy.”

The bartender shrugged. “Grand Junction Folk like it hoppy when they make beer. Most of it’s liquor, but you know. Sometimes.”

Dusk made a face. “I always was more of an ale ga- Er, guy.”

Gin Tonic gave Dusk a deadpan look. “Spell?”

Dusk blushed and was enveloped in a purple light for a moment before Twilight appeared in the outfit she’d been wearing earlier. “L-Lovely weather?”

“P-Princess!” Tonic gasped. “I-I-I didn’t know it was you, I- Er, that was probably the point…”

Twilight gave her a sheepish smile. “Yeah, let’s just keep it a secret that I’m here, okay? My friend and I don’t really need the attention.”

The bartender glanced at me. “... Should I guess at who you are?”

I gave her a smirk and looked at her over my sunglasses, the room being dark enough to not immediately blind me. “I wouldn’t, but I’m sure you have an idea.”

She blushed. “The night is lovely, Your Highness. Let me check on your food.”
When she was gone, Twilight had a little giggle and I helped her along by tickling her side for a moment, but then she made me stop and gave me a fake stern look. “Stop it, Mister!”

“You would talk to the Princess of The Night in such tones?” I asked, feigning being appalled.

Twilight giggled some more. “Okay, so it’s funny that she thinks you’re Luna, but now I’m visibly here with a guy!”

“Trust me, Twilight. One way or another, people are going to start recognizin’ that I’m not the typical Arcadian guy sooner or later, so I’d rather have it be sooner.”

I watched her eyes and saw a hint of crazy creeping and crawling, but Twilight was kosher for the time being. “I understand that you’re an independent man, but I want you to be able to depend on me without letting your pride get in the way, okay?”

“Twilight, you can’t be afraid to let me struggle for a little while. I’ve-”

“I’m sure you’ve faced plenty of tough times before, Jay, but you don’t have toanymore. Why struggle when you can enjoy smooth sailing?” She asked reasonably.

“For the sake of being able to call what you have yours. To take pride in your accomplishments. To brag about the obstacles you’ve overcome. Usin’ your well of resources is like cheatin’, Twilight, and there’s not much you can say on that to change my mind on that.” I said softly, abstaining from holding her hand so it didn’t look like we were on a date.

Twilight gave me a frustrated look. “You’re illogical.”

“I might not be an Arcadian man, but I’m still a man.” I chuckled.

She sniffed at that before poking me in the side, to which I responded by poking her back. You can imagine how offended Twilight was at being poked, so she poked me in turn and thus we began a poke war until we start hitting each other with spoons. Then we heard plates get placed in front of us and Gin just smiled as she walked away. Twilight and I traded a guilty look before we dug into the Double-Fried Fries, and the mother-fuckers were fuck-mothering delicious. They were basically home fries with brown and sausage gravy, which turned out to be fucking fantastic when you added them to twice-fried potatoes. My sandwich was good, Twilight’s little sandwiches were good, and we returned to her house for some cuddles on the couch, but I had a lot on my mind and too much time to think about it.

Applejack was probably going to end up being my servant, and I didn’t like the thought of that. I didn’t even have to make her do anything to not like the sound of that just because the thought of making someone do something for me and not paying them makes my skin crawl. I get that Max hates rape most of all, and I honestly see why, but I don’t understand how the guy doesn’t consider enslavement to be equally horrible. Taking someone’s ability to do what they want from them is straight up evil, which is why God’s True Will exists in the first place. There’s some fuckass bullshit conspiracy that basically says that Maximus stole free will from mankind, but there’s no proof to back it up, and Max himself will even tell you that he lets people earn their time in Hell as they please. GTW is just a group of lunatic rapists with guns, and no one ever feels sorry for the ones who show up on SmiletonLIVE!

Shit, that was tangent-y, but still. Appleslave no good.

Then we had Fluttershy. The ever pleasant problem that is Fluttershy. I liked the girl (Still do), and I truly appreciated that she saved my life (Times two), but I was fucking terrified of what happens if her alter ego takes over and decides to lick me with a little too much venom, let alone kiss me. Shit doth tend to roll downhill, and if there’s anything life has taught me, then it’s that we’re all lying down at the bottom belly down with our mouths open. I didn’t think Fluttershy’ was going to try and make me be her thrall forever, but do I really have a choice? Even when I had Twilight in my arms, I wished Fluttershy was around so she could be included, but I may have felt that way even before I started dating her. I don’t really know what my conclusion with Fluttershy was, to be honest, and it took me a good while to come to one.

Twilight? The way she’d changed the game and shut me down earlier in the day was worrisome to say the least, and it didn’t help that she was getting pressure from outside sources to keep me in check. I didn’t and don’t like being told how to act since I generally do a good job of keeping my shit together, but then bitches wanna stress me out and that’s just not the plan. While I was thinking, Twilight got up to go use the restroom and I zoned out for a little bit, staring off into space until she came back and put her positively, perfectly plump posterior on my lap and nuzzled me.

“It’s so weird to have a guy as big as you around. I mean, Spike is a little tall because he’s a Drake, but Big Mac, Wrought Iron and Ty are the only guys their size I’ve ever seen, and you’re still one of the biggest guys I’ve laid eyes on.” Twilight commented.

“Seriously?” I asked.

She kissed my cheek. “Yup. A lot of Arcadian men are my height or a little shorter.”

“... That’s weird.”

“My brother, the Prince of The Crystal Empire, would probably only come up to your eyes.”

“On Max, I swear, if he tries to intimidate me I’m probably gonna laugh.” I chuckled.

Twilight patted my chest. “He doesn't have it in him to go against me. I might be his little sister, but I was the one who taught him his strongest spells.”

“Huh. It kinda sounds like Arcadian guys are lackluster, though I’m not trying to rag on your brother.”

“It’s not that guys don’t have what it takes, it’s just… Well, a lot of them care more about their looks or nonsensical things that don’t matter… As much as Rarity likes to point out a man’s proper place, she kind of acts like one…”

“That’s because Rarity has what an Earthling would call a Princess Complex.”

Twilight leaned away from me and gave me a dirty look. “I’m literally a Princess.”

“Yes, but you don’t have a Princess Complex. You don’t want to be taken care of and pampered, nor do you look down on people.”

“Yeah, that sounds like Rarity.” Twilight said flatly.

I shrugged and brought Twilight back to my chest because she was warm and it was a little cool in the house. “We need a blanket.”

“We need to shower and go to bed.” She corrected. “It’s getting late.”

I glanced at the clock on the wall. “It’s nine forty-five. You just wanna get laid.”

Twilight blushed and cleared her throat. “... Well… Is it a bad idea to as- Oop!” I slid my hand up her thigh, across the smooth, tender flesh.

“You’ve had worse ideas.” I murmured, scooping her up.

In my defense, sex is the perfect way to stop thinking for an hour or two if someone stops you from grabbing your weed.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

The next morning saw me staying at Twilight’s for breakfast, but after that, I was free to go back to my shop and reopen, but it’s not like I had many customers. I ended up leaving the door to the back of my shop open as I worked on the slingshot for Clear Sky, and in between the odd browser and the occasional real customer (Usually looking for a rune), I managed to get the assembly put together and most of the slingshot enchanted to Hellenbach and back, though I forget where that reference is from… Probably Grand Theft Auto or something since I blew a lot of time with the series, but that’s just pointless information. Getting back to actually important stuff (Or as close as I get.) I was a little peckish by the time I was done. I was downright nibbly, so I decided to stow my creation out in the open where I’d told Sky I was going to leave it and took myself over to Fluttershy’s after most of the other shops were closing for the day.

It was a bit of a walk, but the smile that bloomed on her face when she saw me was well worth it. “Jay! It’s good to see you!” She gave me a hug that was great for three reasons, and one of them was because she smelled nice.

I hugged her back to make the two bigger reasons even better. “You’ve been on my mind all day. How’s it been goin’?”

Fluttershy let go and lead me inside. “I-It’s been okay, but i-it’s nicer now that you’re here…” She gave me a shy smile that made my heart do a funny little dance.

“Great, now I wish I would’ve brought somethin’ to make it even better.” I sighed. “Missed opportunities, am I right?”

“W-Well, we missed an o-opportunity the last time you visited…” Fluttershy hinted, disappointing me a little bit.

“You mean the date?” I asked, offering her an out.

She smiled bashfully and curled a lock of her hair, glancing at me. “W-Would you l-l-like to go on one n-now?” Color me surprised.

I gave her an easy smile in turn. “As long as the place isn’t named after liver, I’m good to go.”

Fluttershy gasped. “You don’t like Chateau Foie Gras? I-I thought a lot of guys liked that place!”

“I’ve never been, but I’m not really into the upscale cuisine scene.” I said honestly.

She breathed a sigh of relief. “Thank you! I don’t like the idea of eating animals I take care of.”

“Rabbit stew is delicious.” I commented.

My Vampire girlfriend gave me a look. “I’ll bite you and we’ll see how that feels.”

“Kinky.” I winked at her.

She blushed. “Th-That’s not what I meant!”

“How do you know I’m not just trying to sleep with Angel?” I asked.

Fluttershy seemed floored by the left fielder. “... It’s biologically impossible?”
“With that attitude? Of course it is.” I huffed in a manly manner.

“... I’ve never considered putting these words together in a sentence before, but please don’t rape my rabbit.” Fluttershy requested at a volume higher than I’d heard from her before. It was nearly conversational.

“Give me a kiss and I won’t even consider it.” I bargained.

She blushed and quickly gave me a kiss on the cheek, which I dealt with. “Th-That c-counts, right?”

I gave her a look. “I’m paying for dinner since you want to play around on the kisses.”

“I-I can’t let a man pay for dinner! I-I-I’ll never be able to look the any of the girls in the eye again!” Fluttershy immediately started hyperventilating.

I didn’t know what else to do, so I kissed her, which made her seize up like she was paralyzed for a few moments before she started getting into it. Fluttershy’s lips were sweet, tasting something like a lemony liqueur that was pretty damn enticing, not unlike how Twilight’s lips tasted a little like wine. I wondered if their lower lips tasted the same as the upper ones since I hadn’t really been paying attention with Twilight and I was awfully tempted to confirm my hypothesis with Fluttershy as long as she was willing.

I let Fluttershy go and gave her a smile. “Okay, you can pay for dinner.”

She gave me a grateful smile. “Th-Thank you…”

“You’re welcome for the opportunity to spend your own money.” I said, amused to no end.

Fluttershy giggled and took my hands in hers for a moment, taking a few seconds to gather her words. “Is there somewhere you’d like to go? There’s a new sushi restaurant in town that’s been getting good reviews.”

“Sliced Thin, right? The place that teleports their fish in?” I asked, having heard about it through some of my customers.

She smiled and nodded. “It’s a nice Kasu place that I think you’d like.”

“Kasu? The people from Tsuka, right?” I asked, receiving a nod. “Huh. I wonder what warrior food is like.”

“It’s sliced thin.” Fluttershy giggled.
I gave her a hug and started walking her backwards, then I just started two-stepping around with her. “Smartass.”

Fluttercup followed my lead and let me dance us around. “The woman is supposed to lead the dance.” She commented as we were twirling about.

“Are you complaining?” I asked, knowing the answer.

She giggled and rested her chin on my shoulder. “I don’t mind. It’s just nice.”

“Hmm, how do I make this less nice?” I said goofily.

Fluttershy held onto me a little tighter. “... L-Letting go is the fastest way...”

“So I should keep holdin’ on if I want you to smile?”
“Already there.” She chuckled.

“Glad to hear it.” We continued casually dancing around for a few more moments until I let her go and asked, “Do you want to do the date now, or would you wanna do some cuddling first?”

Fluttershy gave me a warm smile that turned sultry in the blink of an eye. One glance at her irises told me that I was dealing with Shy again. “Why don’t we take a break from the sweet stuff for a moment and get acquainted a little better?”

I gave her a look. “Date first, sex maybe later.”

Shy returned my look with one of her own. “ You know that you’re a tease, right?”

I gave her a dirty look. “I’m just generally not that crazy about sex. It’s not like I don’t find you attractive, it’s just that I don’t want it to be the only thing I have to offer, and I really don't want it to be the only thing you get from me.”

“I’ll have some dick with a side of semen, thank you. Hold the boyfriend bullshit at the door.” Shy scoffed.

I gave her a shitty look. “You want my body and that’s it? Yeah, no, I’m not digging it. Give me back Fluttershy.”

Shy pouted. “Why, I’m beginning to feel like you don’t want me at all, Jameson. You know that I’m the reason you’re alive to say no to me, right?”

“So you saved my life for the sole purpose of sex?”

“Yes.”

Shy closed her eyes and Fluttershy opened them. “Th-That’s not true, Jay! I-I would never- I-I saved you because it was the right thing to do!”

I gave her a withering glare and Fluttershy blanched, retreating into her hair. “Look me in the eye and say it.”

She glanced at me and started hyperventilating before she gulped hard and tried to meet my gaze again. “I-I gave you my blood because I… B-Because… B-B-Because... Y-You’re the first guy who’s ever told me that I wasn’t u-ugly…”

“... So do you want to be with me because I’m the first guy to accept you for you, or is it because you actually think I have qualities that you like in a guy?”

“... Y-You’re really capable and adaptable, e-even in a brand new world. Y-You make things look so easy when they’re actually looking really grim, b-but y-you’re also really sweet and affectionate and cute…” Fluttershy stroked her hair nervously, glancing at me every so often. “I-It’s odd to think of you as a guy when you act so much like a girl…”

“I’d be offended by that, but it’s more of a compliment to me in this context. Thank you for the affirmations, Fluttershy. It’s nice to know why you like me since it’s just weird for someone as hot as you to be interested in someone like me.” I shook my head and rolled my eyes, my brows high, not quite understanding it myself.

“... You know that no one is going to turn you down if you want to sleep with them, right?” Shy said flatly. I had to look at Fluttershy’s irises to check, but they’d switched in the blink of an eye.

“Stop flipping back and forth mid-conversation. It’s a little disorienting.” I groused.

“Are you just going to ignore what I said? Like, you’re just not going to acknowledge being the hot sibling?” Shy asked irritably.

I rolled my eyes. “Now I know you’re full of shit. Ty’s always been more handsome than me. Even our Moms say that shit.”

Shy gave me a real fucked up look. “Boy, are you being serious? Most women would sell their left tit for a shot with you!”

I scoffed. “That’s how it would be for you on Earth. Women would want to be you and men would want to be in you.”

She gave me a sultry smile. “What about you? What would you give for a night with me?”

“I’d happily go on a date with you,” I said pointedly, “so neither of us feel like we skipped a step in the whole ‘dating’ ordeal.”

Shy huffed. “Can’t you just-” She changed mid-sentence and Fluttershy came back. “Hi. C-Can we go now?”

“Sliced thin, right? I’m following your lead.” I gave her a small smile.

Fluttershy returned it with a minute smile of her own and we got to moving without further hold up since I’m sure we were both looking forward to some alone time away from her animals. As we walked and talked about a few of our favourite things, I learned that Fluttershy is a fan of light coffee, dark tea, and here recently, she’s been smoking her herb instead of making tea with it because it seems to taste better when burned. We agreed to have a cup of herbal tea when we got back from Sliced Thin, and I’ve gotta say that while I’m not crazy about seafood in general, I’d go back to Sliced Thin with Fluttershy some time.

We went back to her place after grabbing food and I initiated some cuddling, but Fluttershy requested to be the big spoon, so I got to rest my head between her breasts and enjoy a little time in her tender embrace. By the time Fluttershy was building up the confidence to ask me for actual sex, I was more than ready to give it to her, so I stopped with the pretenses and gave her what she wanted. I would write it down, but my first time with Fluttershy was special, and it was a little bad in the beginning, but she didn’t shed a tear and she only clawed me a little bit when I took her cherry. I was really proud of her for being able to hang in there, but it’s not like I was eager to get off or anything. Fluttershy was the only one who came that night, and it was mostly because I didn’t want to keep hurting her during her first time. Fluttershy said that she was okay throughout the entire endeavor, but I could hear the pain in her breathing when I went a little too quickly, though clitoral stimulation definitely made it better than it could have been.

I decided to sleep at Fluttershy’s since she was down for it, and holding her long into the night made me feel better about making her bleed from her groin. She held me nice and tight, even as she fell asleep, and much to my surprise, I was asleep when Fluttershy got up and got out of bed for the day. Of course, it was early as shit when she got up and at ‘em for the day, but still. I took my time to get moving, but even then I was still out the door with a goodbye kiss on my lips by the time the sun rose.

With shit else to do for the time being, I went back to my shop and started off by making more runes. Just general runes, mind you. None of them were higher than a D-Rank, but most of them turned out well in the first place, so I didn’t need them to be super good or anything. I had a customer come in early in the morning and buy a couple of puzzles from me for her husband to solve, but when I asked if she would be interested in any runes, she asked for a talisman that would help her man keep it up when things got intimate, though she didn’t use so many words to say which problem she was addressing.

I had to go digging through my books to find something even remotely similar to what she was asking for, and I found it in a book called Artificery For Dummies: Runes That WILL Come Along. There was also a rune specifically for making a woman gush during an orgasm right next to the erectile dysfunction rune, so I made sure to keep that book on one of my more prominent shelves so I could have a peek at the cool shit that would inevitably come out of having a book based around sex and that sort of thing.

The woman could only afford an E-Rank version of the rune, so I bumped her up to a D-Rank for free since I remembered Twilight mentioned that I was bigger than your average Arcadian by a few inches. I figured that the woman might as well have a hard dick if it’s not going to be the tallest stalk in the cornfield. For the record, the customer was probably in her late thirties, so she could nibble on my cob if she really wanted to. Well, if she could avoid getting killed by Twilight, that is.

I went back to making more puzzles since it was fun to come up with things that were supposed to come apart in non-obvious ways, and when I figured out how to get two rings knotted up in a chain and unraveled all over again, I was glad to say that I’d blown some time productively. Sounds a bit like an oxymoron, but sometimes work involves fucking around, and that my friends, is just how life is. It’s not like it’s a bad thing; no, it’s actually great for innovation and efficiency. You’ll eventually find better ways to do a task, or in some cases, you’ll find a new thing entirely.

Here’s to beating your metaphorical meat at work.

After I had my stroke of genius, I made more of them by cutting chain to length and using some of the previously useless rings to fuck around and make the puzzle for different thicknesses of chains. I had a lot and little other use for them, so they made handy dandy money makers. I didn’t make that many since I didn’t know how they were going to sell, but as with all the things I’d made, I put instructions on how to make more and how to do and redo the puzzle. The information never leaves my head after I write it down, and it’s useful to show customers who manage to solve things, but can’t put them back together. I’m not much of an artist, but I like to think that my skills aren’t necessarily subpar or anything, so the illustrations may or may not be helpful. Schematics are one thing, but directions are another, okay?

I’d like to say that something else happened, but that was really it for the rest of the week. I mean, I started working on a bow for Pinkie since she asked if I could come up with something for her. I made the frame out of a metal Twilight called Ganthede that was a dark, muddy gray. I liked that it was lighter than you’d expect from a metal that was only slightly inferior to steel, but only being around forty percent as dense. Sadly, Ganthede swords were supposed to be absolute shit because it’s too light to get power behind a swing, but it was perfect for a compound bow.

I ended up using Manticore hair for my string since it was supposed to be some of the toughest stuff out there, and true to form, I couldn’t actually break or cut through a good lock with normal tools. Finding a way to weave the hairs so that I could use them as my bowstring was a bitch and a half, but it’s not like they became unusable when I failed. It took me days to get a solid string together, but it took me a solid week to get it onto the bow and make it stay there. I mean, I took it off of purpose a few times just because I needed to know how to repair it, but still. A full week to get that shit down pat.

Pinkie was thrilled with her bow, but when we found out that it was a little on the heavy side, she was fucking ecstatic. I could barely draw the thing to halfway, having kept Pinkie’s Tripe-A Mundusian status in mind while making it. Apparently she had yet to find a bow as compact as the one I’d made for her, and the best part about it was that I’d made it foldable, though it was only feasible if you had the strength to get the string to go taught again. I’d made the locking mechanism out of a tougher metal called Hexant, so don’t you go and judge me and shit.

I’ll pick up with the visit with Ty that happened a few days after I gave Pinkie her bow. Yes, those two events correlate, but it was just a casual bribe. Nothing terribly sketchy going on over there or anything.

₪ღ✮ღ₪

I woke up to find Twilight staring at me, which would have been less weird if I had actually gone to sleep in her house, or if she’d come to see me in mine the night before. Instead of trying to appear sane, Twilight decided to get real creepy and watch me while I was defenseless, so I properly freaked out for a little bit before I got up and chewed her out for letting herself into my house, and specifically my room without giving me a heads up. Twilight was pretty understanding about why I was salty, but she had news anyway.

“Jay, I need you to be less mad at me and be more getting ready for your visit with Ty. I told you that we were going to be leaving early.” Twilight said, earning herself a dark look.

“Don’t get fucked up, woman.” I grunted, getting out of bed.

“Oh? Are you going to be the one doing the fucking up? Because I’ll just go to Minceton without you.” She huffed. It was too early and I was too tired, so I snatched Twilight up and threw her onto my bed. She cried out, “Hey!” after she got thrown, but she looked a lot happier about it when I followed her onto the bed.

“Look here, you little purple Princess. Now I’m gonna kiss ya and you’re gonna let me, and them I’m gonna grab some clothes and hop in the shower, capisce?” I growled.

“Where’s my kiss, tough guy?” Twilight taunted.

I gave it to her and she giggled a bit before letting me get to my morning routine. I’d been considering growing a beard since mine usually tended to turn out decently if I let it grow, but Twilight and Fluttershy were both a fan of the clean shaven look, so I kept my face clear of hairs. The shower was nice and the quick breakfast Twilight and I had at my place was pretty alright seeing as how it was just some fried potatoes and eggs, both made with bacon grease because I know how to make my food edible from the pan to the plate. Twilight’s always a fan of my cooking, though I don’t tell her that it’s because I’m a savage with pork fat. Why? Because I don’t want her to think that I’m a feeder or some shit like that.

We got a move on soon enough, but this time we just went to Wrought Iron’s house instead of fucking around by going to get breakfast at a shitty place. We were expected to be there, so Wrought Iron’s son, Shuttle Cock, was the one who answered the door bleary eyed and half awake. We were allowed in and Iron himself showed his face after ten minutes of waiting, though when he jogged into the living room, I doubted that the delay was because of any ill will toward Twilight.

“G’mornin’.” Wrought Iron grunted, sounding a lot like he’d just finished hitting a Cuban. Both the cigar and a Cuban person, that is.

Twilight gave him a brilliant smile. “Good morning, Iron! How are you feeling this morning?”

“Feelin’ like Princesses don’t know when normal folk get up.” He grumbled.

“At least she isn’t making you make her breakfast.” I said, shooting Twilight a glare.

She colored. “You offered!”

“That’s because your taste in food is terrible.” I replied.

“Did she take ya to that shitty little cafe with the poached eggs?” Wrought Iron asked.

“Yup.”

“Hey! Eggcellence is excellent!” Twilight protested.

“Their food is garbage.” Iron said, agreeing with me over his Princess.

Twilight pointed at him. “I’ll have you in the stockades, Mister!”

“If you put him in the stockades, you won’t get another kiss from me until you let him out.” I warned.

My girlfriend huffed and crossed her arms. “You won’t get another kiss from me if you keep taking his side.”

“I can do without kisses for a day if I don’t think about it too hard.” I replied, trying to sound serious. “Anyway, when are we going to wake my brother up?”

“Bumblefuck oughtta be up in a second. Cock got to him- Is somethin’ funny, you little fuck?” Wrought Iron growled as my face twitched.

“No sir.” I said drolly, lying through my teeth.

“... S’what I thought. Like I was sayin’, Cock gets him up pretty quick- Just fuckin’ laugh!” Iron snarled at me.

I gave him a shit-eating grin. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, man, but I heard that your son manages to get Ty out of bed quick enough for the important stuff.”

Wrought Iron glared at me. “Ty woulda laughed.”

“Ty would have gotten chewed out for laughing.” Twilight pointed out.

“It’s fun for everyone at some point.” Iron maintained.

“You’re just a prick.” I said simply.

“So?”

“You two should consider being nicer to people.” Twilight said with a holier-than-thou kind of attitude.

I wasn’t having it. “I’ll spank you in front of this man, Twilight. I really will.” I warned.

She flushed and glared at me adorably. “Think about it too long and I’ll be the one spanking you, Buster.”

“Don’t threaten me with a good time.” I replied lustfully, giving her a wink.

“I don’t wanna hear y’all go over the weird, kinky shit ya do in the bedroom, so leave it at the door.” Wrought Iron grunted, sounding a little uncomfortable.
Twilight blushed some more and silence fell until Ty came in the room, yawning and scratching at his growing beard. “Ay, whassup?”

I got up and we got our bro-hug on. “It’s good to see you, man, even if I wish it was a little later in the day.”

“Whatever’s whatever, nigga.” Ty grunted. “How you been, man?”

“Been good, homes. Suit up so we can talk outside.”

“Why do you want to talk outside?” Twilight asked suspiciously.

I didn’t know what cards to play, so I threw down the Jack and gave Twilight a bitchy look. “You don’t think that guy-talk is meant for girls, do you?”

She narrowed her eyes at me. “You’re going to talk about me, aren’t you?”

“He’s your man. Of course he’s gonna get some shit off his chest he can’t say to you.” Ty scoffed.

“Shut up, you overgrown goat.” Twilight snapped, hitting Ty with a glare that he should have feared. “I wasn’t talking to you.”

My brother is not a smart man.

“Bruh- Bitch please. You talk to him, I chime in. We work like that.” My dumbass half-sibling replied hotly.

Twilight’s glare grew darker and Wrought Iron stepped in. “Heya, Princess. Why don’t I make us some tea?”

My psychotic girlfriend gave exactly no shits.“Are you trying to get vaporized, Tyler? Because I don’t like you. I don’t like that Jay’s so close to someone like you as it is, and it’s well within my power to make him not give a damn about whether you live or die and he’ll love me for it. Think hard you fu-cking simpleton: Is backtalking me really worth it?”

“Bitch, if you don’t get the fuck outta here with that noise, Imma piss on you like R. Kelly.” Ty growled.

I’ve said it many times, but my brother is not a smart man, which is why I have to be.

“Okay, we’re not talking anymore. We’re just not. Not happenin’. Okay? Okay. Nobody gotta say nothin’ else. We good? Let’s be good.” I looked between Ty and Twilight, and Ty opened his mouth first, so I bit his fucking head off. “Nigga if the next words out of your mouth aren’t an apology or the sane suggestion to go outside, I’m cuttin’ your fuckin’ tongue out since it’s apparently only good for bullshit.”

Ty raised his chin at me. “You the little brother. Respek.”

I glanced at Twilight, but turned my focus back to Ty. “Tiberius. Seri-” Ty shoved me. “Bruh. Don’t putcha hands on me.”

He immediately went into a diatribe that I wasn’t really trying to hear. “Nigga you done got softer than baby cock in a cotton swab, lettin’ some bitch rule yo life, tell you when you can see ya own blood, let her boss yo sorry, pathetic ass around like you some kinda fuckin’ slave and she’s Queen Whitey widda whip. You turnin’ inta a bitch-made, sackless, femboy, and I ain’t tryna hear that you ‘just tryna keep us kosher’ ya fuckass nigga witcha high-yella house-nigga actin’ punkass bitchass pussyass buuullshit. Fuckin’ only nigga you buck to the only nigga who really gotcho back! The fuck done happened to you, Jay?”

“Jay, say the word-” Twilight started.

“How ‘bout you not word with your Arkaish for a sec?” I held up a hand and looked at her, my face placid.

She huffed. “I’m going to let that slide-”

“Twilight. Words. Stop.”

She glared at me, but she shut the fuck up, so I looked at Ty and kept my tone flat as I spoke. “You see that, Ty? Twilight listens to me sometimes because I have her favor. What you need to understand is that this woman doesn’t NEED TO FUCKING SEE YOU TO KILL YOU!”: I roared. “While you’re FUCKIN’ SPITTIN’ on the GODDAMN EL DORADO I’M TRYNA BUILD, I’m fuckin’ sittin’ here lookin’ at ONE A’ THE MOST DANGEROUS MAXDAMN BEINGS ON THE PLANET, AND YOU’RE GONNA PISS IT OFF! You got one more time ta fuck me, nigga. You got one more time to be a fu-ckin’ nigger before we’re through, blood be fucked. Got my ass fuckin’ strugglin’ ta make sure your STUPID ASS don't get us killed before we lay our fuckin’ heads down. So you know what? Push Twilight. Keep fuckin’ wit her. I dare you. I’m not steppin’ again, and you can blame ya damn self on that. Fuckin’ stupid retarded ass nigga thinkin’ I’M- Me, of ALL the niggas you know, just gonna lay down and get fuckin rolled over. Goddamn I wish you actually had a fuckin’ brain.”

Ty looked like he wanted to sock me. “You better get the fuck on somewhere before I lay you out.”

I popped my neck and squared up. “You done fucked up, Tiberius.”

He didn’t waste any time in throwing the first punch, but my dumbass brother never was any good at dealing with me. Yeah, Ty can take down six motherfuckers solo, but he’s a slugger. When we got into boxing, I was an outboxer/boxer puncher, and our match-ups tended to go my way if Ty didn’t get lucky fast. I dodged his first punch and swatted his second, but then I tried for a cross-counter that was way too risky for me to consider it twice. My punch landed clean on Ty’s chin, but I wasn’t exactly a boxer-puncher. The thing was that I had to wear Ty down before I myself wore down, and with… Well, I’ve already admitted to knowing some Blood Magic, but over the few weeks since I’d last seen Ty, I may or may not have carved some runes into the insides of my thighs and sewn them up…

… Okay, so I should have felt bad about cheating like a piece of shit against my own brother, but he was the one who doesn’t know when to let the sleeping Dragon lie. When my blow connected with Ty’s face, I wasn’t expecting him to be terribly phased by it since he was apparently supposed to be a badass only a single rank below Applejack, but the look on his face when I cocked back for a quick jab told me to duck, so I did on instinct, and that saved my delicate features from being knocked off of my face. A voice I named Catherine told me to hop backwards at a two solid, so I shoved myself backwards about two good steps and Ty’s fist flew through the space my face used to be. Dude was killer fast, but the saving grace I clung to desperately was that he was a raging bull, and that meant that he was swinging blinder than a mythical bat.

Wrought Iron stepped up to the plate and rocked Ty with a straight-right that I heard, which was a bad thing. He’d caught Ty on the cheek instead of the chin, and three shots later, the older man was backing off to get distance and Twilight stepped forward. “ENOUGH!” She clapped her hands and Ty dropped to his knees. “Jay, close your eyes.”

“You kill him we’re through.” I warned.

Twilight leveled a harsh glare at me, Sleipnir gnashing its teeth, prepared to make my brother its next meal. “What makes you think I won’t just feed you a love potion?”

“Because you want me to love you naturally. You kill my brother, I’ll never stop hating you.” I replied, my voice as hard as stone. I’ve faced death for Ty before, and I wasn’t afraid to do it again.

Twilight shook her head at me slowly. “You want him alive, you keep this maggot out of my sight. No one who attacks you gets away with it twice, Jameson. No one. And yes, Applejack is well aware of that.”

I marched up to her and stared her down, my balls swelling with molten lead, my dong dangling downward. “You need to chill. The fuck. Out. This cross-him-kill-you shit? Yo, it’s killing me. I want to love you, Twilight. I want to make you happy because you’re a great woman except for the murdery shit. Stop the murdery shit. Please. Honestly, like, you make me afraid to get too close to people, Purps. I don’t want someone I like to fuck up one too many times disappear because you decide who’s a mainstay in my life. I’m begging you: Let me ask when I need help. I mean, yes, thank you for stepping in before Wrought Iron got hurt, but shtahp it.”

Twilight smacked me.

After that little thing, she kissed me for about three seconds and slapped me again.

“First things first; I’m in charge. Don’t forget that. Second: I’ll let Ty exist in my presence, but I’m cursing him. My name will not leave his mouth, and he will not speak to me. Third,” She patted my cheek and gave me a patronizing smile. “You can have all the friends you want, Sweetie. You just have to keep it below kissing unless I approve, which is normal, and you’re ‘kosher’. Just like that. Now we’re going to leave and you’re not, and I do repeat, not, and one more time because you seem to be making bad decisions right now and you might need the extra ‘not’, not, going to see Ty until he earns the right to come back to Magiville. Don’t like it? You can have a kiss. If you’re still mad, I’ll give you whatever your heart desires, but that fool is going to get you robbed of your free will, or he’s going to get your mind wiped and he’ll have never existed to you in the first place.”

Twilight never broke eye contact. I didn’t need to see into her eyes to know that Ty was on borrowed time. I didn’t need to have Coffee Cup’s gift to know what the future held if Ty fucked around. I didn’t need half the brain cells I had to figure out that Twilight was drawing a line, and that sumbitch was covered in spikes, barbed wire, razor wire, flames, and a lot of magical traps that I couldn't disarm. I was fucked. I was so fucked, and I knew beyond common fucking sense that crossing that line into No Man’s Land was the Bad End.

“... Please don’t put your hands on me, Twilight. It makes you no better than Applejack.” I guilted shamelessly.

It worked. “... I’m sorry about that, but do you understand what I’m saying here, Jay?”

“Do you understand what I’m saying, Twilight?” I asked, getting the last shovelful of dirt out of my grave.

She mulled it over, taking her time with her response. “Give me one reason not to make you see what I see.”

“Anything after that would be a lie.” I replied softly.

“... That’s a good reason.” Twilight sighed. “Go wait outside. You owe me for today, and I’ll be collecting shortly.”

“I’d prefer-”

“I’m not asking, Jameson.” Twilight said curtly. “Leave before my patience wears out completely.”

“... You keep pushing, Twilight.” I shook my head and took my loss, passing Ty a glance before heading out the door.

I hated that my best bet for keeping my brother alive was walking out on him, but it was what it was, and shit sucked. I sat on the stoop outside and cooled, calculating my next step. The problem was that I couldn’t figure out an angle to work with the tools I had. My hand of cards was useless when Twilight put her foot down, and it’s not like it’d been working out in recent history, so I panicked, but it wasn’t a normal kind of panic. It wasn’t the shut-eye, can’t talk, can’t breathe kind of panic. No, it was an eyes-wide-open, time slides by on a pair of skates at a leisurely pace, and life crashes around you. In other words, I took my second step into super-sanity, and I didn’t even know it.

I blinked a couple of times and took my sunglasses off because they were hindering my sight, but when I looked around with my hand shading my eyes, I found the ache in my eyes to be worth the experience. I would cause permanent damage to my eyes if I didn’t wear my glasses for too long, so I put them back on and looked around some more. The coloured glass blocked out some of the odd things I was seeing, so it was a bit of a blessing, but it was… Odd, shall we say? You could describe it a thousand ways and every person’s interpretation would be a little different, but here goes.

From my short glimpse at the world around me, I could see the inner workings of the sparse grass that occasionally popped up in the cobblestone road. I could see the individual cells from easily over thirty feet away via a heads up display that magnified the plants to a microscopic level, and moving my eyes just slightly had me looking at an atom, and they do not resemble the Bohr-Sommerfeld model. They’re actually literal monkeys in a fucking barrel. No shit. The super-sanity filled in blanks for me, which is how I knew that I’d taken my second step in the first place, and the first thing was that I was apparently born schizophrenic, which I did not know. I knew I had anxiety problems, and the occasional mood swing made me go sullen for a little while, but schizophrenia? The only voices I’d ever knowingly heard came from my Flitch, but it did explain why I was so fucking paranoid, and it also explained why I heard random noises sometimes. I was hearing spirits knock around in the Ether and the occasional relative calling my name in a loved one’s voice. Shit wasn’t a problem in my life, but apparently it counted for something when it came to boarding the crazy train.

The second thing that pushed me up a notch was constant stress that got amplified by Ty, then fucking sextupled by Twilight, and not being able to see a path out hit me hard. It hit me hard enough for certain pieces of my puzzle to unravel and warp before they were crammed back into place. With a little hesitation, I dropped my sunglasses for a second to see if I was far enough to glimpse the future and my sight told me that I was going to be sitting when Twilight came out to collect me. I chose to stand for a while longer so I could see what else I could see, but the glasses barred a lot of my vision, and I wasn’t willing to take them off a third time.

I remained standing to do a little thinking, and the main thing on my mind (I could glean bits of information from my subconscious simultaneously) was that Twilight needed to be eating out of the palm of my hand, and I had a few new ways to get her there. When I was done thinking, I sat down and looked behind me to see Twilight opening the door just seconds after my ass made contact with the brick stoop.

“Have you had a chance to calm down, Sweetie?” Twilight asked tenderly.

“I have, but if you want to sleep in the same bed tonight, you’re keeping your hands to yourself.” I replied matter-of-factly.

She raised a brow. “You’re not going to kick me out of bed?”

“I assume you want something me-related as payment for not killing Ty.”

“You’re not wrong. I want you to make the gift you promised me when we first entered your shop.”

“It’s already done, I just haven’t convinced you to let me take you out on a date.” I replied quietly, still soaking in the extra dose of madness.

“That’s nice.” Twilight said warmly. “... Jay, look, I’m sorry for-”

“You’re not planning on changing, so save your breath.” I muttered sorrowfully, turning away from her and hanging my head, shaking it gently.

She sat next to me and tried to hold my hand, so I made eye contact and let her hold it for a second before letting go and attempting to make her let go. She didn’t. “Your brother’s going to get you killed, and I’m not okay with the fact that you’re okay with that.”

“That’s not up to you, Twilight. You can make yourself not love me just as easily as you can force me to love you.” I replied. “I don’t see why you haven’t just saved yourself the trouble of dealing with someone intent on swooping in and saving a wrecking ball every other day.” I actually understood why Twilight wanted me so badly, and it wasn’t her fault. We were just tied together by Fate and the bitch is crazy. I mean, the little filament I saw between Twilight and myself must have been one of Fate’s strings, otherwise super sanity is bullshit.

She gave me a look. “Jay, I wouldn’t trade my love for you for anything, and that means a lot. If you don’t want me to love you, say it now.”

I squeezed her hand and held my silence for a few moments, dragging it out as I played the ruse. “Only a fool turns down true love. You just make it hard to be wise a lot more than I’d like.”

Twilight squeezed my hand in turn. “I can’t help you if you don’t let me help, Jay.”

“You help when I don’t let you help anyway, Twilight. Even when I don’t say anything about anything, you’re already working on the next gift. I’ve told you before that you just do too much, Purps.”

“Jameson, you’re asking me to treat you below my standards-”

“So you’ll slap me, but it’s okay because you interfere with whatever you want?” I asked quietly.

“... I shouldn’t have done that, and I sincerely apologize, Jay. I… Jay, how else do I make you see reason? How else am I supposed to make you stop defying me?”

“You’re not supposed to dominate your spouse. Otherwise you just have a Human pet that doesn’t ruin your floors or usually shed all over the place.”

“... I love you, Jameson.”

“It’s hard to say right now, but I love you too, Twilight.”

She laid her head on my shoulder and teleported us onto the couch in her living room slash library and we sat for a few minutes, soaking in the silence as nothing happened. It was very nice that nothing was happening, but I wanted nothing to happen somewhere else, so I gave Twilight a kiss and bid her goodbye after an hour of quiet erection. During that hour, I’d been remembering the feeling of Twilight’s ass in my hands to keep them from wrapping around her throat and it had left me with its side effects.

With my mind a little wonky, I had to make my way somewhere. My first choice of people to turn to were both female, human, and could fall by Twilight’s hand, so I stopped by the liquor store and bought three bottles of bourbon for the price of one and a half because the guy assumed that I was gearing up for a party. When I told him that flaming shots were on the table, he had a laugh and encouraged me to be safer with my drinking habits. I never did actually mention anything about drinking said shots, but dude could think what he wanted.

I made my way back to my place, and when I got there, Pinkie was already in the back of my shop with a large metal bowl and a smile. “Hiya, Jay! I’m really sorry about what happened with Ty, but I’m sure that it’ll pan out from now on.”

I shook my head and hit the lights since I was sure that Pinkie could see in the dark so I could take my glasses off and The Sight hit me head on. I caught a glimpse of Max kissing Pinkie in the near future, so I made a mental note to ask about that while I glanced around at the spirits surrounding me. Some floated by in lackadaisical loops around my head while others stood around, but there were six in all. Each of them was someone I’d killed for some reason or other at some point in my past, so the friendly waves I got were a little confusing since I wasn’t crazy enough to know what other people’s motivations would be if I didn’t know them very well.

“Hey Pinks. Hey ghosts.” I said a bit blankly.

I got a few nods and Pinkie met me at one of my work tables, setting the bowl down as I uncapped a bottle of booze. “Only one of them can answer you at a time, so be patient. If some of them don’t want to talk to you, then don’t worry about it. They probably just joined a clan that won’t let them speak to their killer, and it’s not always a bad thing. It’s a bit of a mutual respect kind of thing.”

“Ah.” I looked at the sole woman in the group, but her face wasn’t one I remembered seeing. I’d say she was a pretty average looking young woman, but she looked nice with a smile. I remembered the only woman I ever knifed though, and she was the prosecutor in a case that got one of my big homies locked up for killing a cop when he was actually out of town. Shit was legitimate garbage and I struck out for him since he was one of my main male role models growing up. I remembered slitting the older woman’s throat and staring her in the eyes as I did it, and I remembered it well because she was the first person I’d killed with Flitch.

“We’ll talk another time. I’ve waited years for it. I can wait a little longer.” ‘Catherine’, whose real name no longer mattered, said kindly.

“... Yeah, it’s weird that I can’t sense any ill will coming from you.” I said slowly.

“Being dead is great. I mean, ghost sex? Un-be-lievable~” Catherine sighed

“So kill myself now?” I joked.

“Yes.” Catherine crooned, her voice turning seductive.

I turned to Pinkie. “She only wants me to commit suicide, right?”

“Yup.” Pinkie gave me an apologetic smile.

“Then cool… So we summoning Max?”

“Yup!” Pinkie smiled wider and pushed the bowl toward me.

“Mind if I ask what your relationship with Max is?” I inquired hesitantly.

Pinkie gave me a look. “I’m going to have to take you under my wing and teach you how to avoid looking into someone else’s future.”

“It’s my future that makes me ask.” I snorted.

She tilted her head and her eyes widened as she looked at the thing I’d seen from a different angle. “Oh! Well yeah, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to tell you that Max and I are involved.”

I blinked at her. “What?”

“I’m engaged to Max.” Pinkie gave me a blissful smile. “He’s such a sweetheart when he wants to be, and he’s so funny!”

I stared at Pinkie for a long, hard moment because I knew she wasn’t lying. She had no reason to, and she wouldn’t have anyway. No, I just had to deal with the fact that one of my favorite friends was dating the guy who made me. Made us. “Well that’s downright nifty.”

“Isn’t it, though?”

I nodded and poured half of the bottle into the bowl Pinkie had brought before dipping my left hand in it and lighting both my hand and the alcohol in the bowl on fire. It was uncomfortable and annoying to wait for the alcohol to burn out on its own, but when Max showed up with a calm smile and warm eyes, it was well worth it. We shook hands and Max made sure to numb my shit from the wrist down before he claimed the sacrifice, so it didn’t feel all that much worse than getting shanked in the forearm. It still sucked since I was missing my left hand at the moment, but if he didn’t accept the deal, then he was obligated to give it back.

“‘Sup, man?” I asked, ignoring the ache coming from my hand, or rather, the phantom ache that was making my knuckles itch.

“Wotcher, mate. I’m seeing that we’re here to parlay.” Maximus sighed.

“Next one will be a personal visit, I promise.” I gave him an apologetic smirk.

“Better be, otherwise I’m going to start thinking that you only want me for sex.”

“Got that one covered.” Pinkie chimed in, sounding oddly innocent.

He turned to Pinkie with a smile on his face and gave her a kiss that I’d seen a few minutes ago, parting just as I remembered as well. “You’re not always trying to sex my man muffin, Hug Bunny.”

Fucking ‘Hug Bunny’ gave him a new smile that I hadn’t seen from her yet. It was warmer than her usual one, a little erotic, and extremely reverent. “I know you’ve already figured out half of the mystic cipher.”

“It’s been a pretty fun puzzle, but that makes me ask why you decided to join a puzzlemaker when he summoned me.” Max asked, his voice soft and considerate, but firm.

Pinkie hugged him, and I swear her arms were glowing with the power of her squish. “Lobbying for a friend isn’t a bad thing, Cinder Bear.”

The Torch Bearer hugged her back and said, “I’ll deny every ultimately insignificant offer he’ll give me, Pinkie. A hand isn’t exactly Elric-ing it, you know?”

She leaned away from him but stayed nice and close. “You know I think that the tolls are heavier than they should be.”

“People have paid so much more for so much less, Pinkie-”

The wife of Maxdamn that guy jammed a finger in his face because she apparently had that privilege. “You’ve said it before that you don’t value Ty’s life, so what would saving it matter to you!? It should have been less than a hangnail, but you’re just being petty!”

“Pinkie, I want that soul in a jar, but I can’t just reap it, so no, I’m not going to save it.. When Ty makes the mistake I know he’s going to make and someone gets fucked up, don’t pray to me for shit. Anyone’s best best is to give up a hand so that he doesn’t accumulate any more time in Hell.”

“Not happening. Thanks for your time, but if you’re going to say no to saving my brother, then I’m burning a gallon of moonshine.” I said softly.

“... Cheeky little cunt, aren’t we?” Max grunted. “Soulshine bullshit. Why are you giving up your own fucking soul for someone who wouldn’t even give up a second finger for you?”

“... Seriously?” I asked.

“Uh, yeah. Ty keeps you around because you being so smart usually leads to a pay off. Him being a big dicked fuckboi means that he’s going to be a Harem King, and that subsequently means that he doesn’t need you. You’re getting ditched, and soon.”

“Yeah, thanks for shooting me in the dick, man. ‘Preciate it.” I muttered saltily.

Max shrugged. “What can I do? I want him dead, you want him alive, and Pinkie wants you happy, but you guys only have two votes and my vote counts as three.”

I glared at him, a little pissed that me giving up one of my favorite hands didn’t count as a worthy sacrifice to him, but I was more pissed that I knew he was right. As much as I loved Ty, the Ruler of the Universe was telling me that he didn’t like me as much as I liked him. It rather sucked, to be honest with you, but what could I do about it? What further way could I show Ty that I was worthy of being loved as I loved him? My loyalty to him wouldn’t allow me to forsake him, but how far was I willing to go for someone who wasn’t willing to go the extra mile for me? I had to take a long, hard look at what life had been so far, and honestly? It was a series of Ty fucking up and me fixing his mistakes, or him overreacting when I slipped up. There were a lot of moments where he did something I told him not to do, begged him to be smarter than a box of rocks, but now? I knew that he’d never listened to me because he never really cared, and that…

“... Can you make sure he gets left alone? Dies of old age?” I asked quietly.

“No.” Max said bluntly.

“Could you-”

“No.”

“What about-”

“No.”

“Now you’re just being rude.” I said.

“Take your hand back and see me over a beer or something.” Max snapped and I was feeling with my left hand again, and then he disappeared before my eyes.

Pinkie came over to give me a hug and I hugged her back, feeling better knowing that I wasn’t alone in what was going on. I didn’t know how involved Pinkie was, but she’d put forth effort in helping me get what I wanted, so I showed her some appreciation. “Thanks for trying, Pinks.”

She sighed and let me go, so I let her go in turn. “It’s just a shame that he’s not even considering it… I mean, I know I’m not the prettiest of his wives, but I thought he’d listen to me…” Pinkie shook her head sadly.

I placed my hand on her shoulder. “It’s not like he wasn’t dead set on it, Pinkie. It’s evidently just how shit’s gonna be and there’s nothing we can do about it, so why fuss?” I managed.

Pinkie’s hair started falling straight, leaving her with curly, wavy locks that actually looked pretty damn good on her. “Blood Magic doesn’t solve everything, Black Magic will get you killed, and the other, dark paths of power are going to get you hurt, Jay. It’s for the best if you don’t let the strings pull you apart when it happens.”

I glared at her. “So you’re telling me to just accept the fact that my brother may or may not even be alive right now?”

Pinkie gave me a sad look. “Why don’t we go and see Coffee Cup for a cup of coffee?”

“She lets Daisy Dutchy pick up the weekend hours, Pinkie.”

“I meant at her house. She considers you a friend, and she’s a friend of mine, so I wouldn’t mind seeing her at the moment. Maybe having your two super sane friends around will help you adjust to the malcontent inside?” Pinkie suggested reasonably.

“... I kinda just wanna work, Pinkie.”

She held my hand and started backing out of the shop. “You’ll feel better if you come with me. Pinkie Promise.”

I couldn’t help but bark out a harsh chuckle at that, but Pinkie just gave me a tender, caring smile that made me follow her at a reasonable pace. She didn’t let go of my hand as we walked and occasionally glanced at me and made a comment about something she liked or something she appreciated the day, giving me reasons to try and be positive, but I just wasn’t feeling it. Walking along with Pinkie to Coffee Cup’s modest duplex was nice, I guess, but I was really feeling the ten millimeter Q-tip at the moment, and I doubted that it was going to subside at the given rate things were going. No, I just had to be miserable for a little bit as I chewed on the fact that my brother didn’t love me that much, he was as good as dead, and there was nothing I could do about it. Life had slapped me pretty fucking hard, and it was even harder to not be depressed, so I didn’t try.

When Pinkie and I arrived at Coffee’s place, the woman herself answered her door because no one else was going to. “Pinkie? Jay? What brings you two over?”

“Jay just got some really bad news and he could use some help from his friends to cheer him up.” Pinkie said, her tone upbeat, but not overly happy.

Coffee gave me a delicate smile. “Your aura does seem like you need a stiff drink.”

“I’d rather have a nap.” I sighed.

“Nope. You can have a hot toddy though.” Coffee offered.

“I’d rather have a hot piece of lead, but yeah, tea works too.” I gave her a smile and she frowned.

“I don’t understand what that’s supposed to mean, but it worries me, Jay.” Coffee said. “Why don’t you come in and have a seat?”

I nodded and followed Pinkie as they lead the way inside, and after ten minutes, Coffee had some tea ready and some coffee being prepared. We talked about what had gone down with Twilight and Ty, though I knew Pinkie was already well aware of what happened. Coffee was shocked to learn that Twilight would openly threaten a citizen and Pinkie was shocked that she didn’t just kill Ty, though she knew that the next time would be the last time if there were any possible trespasses. The mood was pretty somber, and Pinkie’s mild jokes made Coffee feel better, but my fake laughs only carried so much weight in a room with two people who were more perceptive than all others. I mean, Coffee could see my aura and Pinkie was apparently clairvoyant like I was (kinda), so I didn’t doubt that she refused to let me go home alone because she’d seen that I was ready to end it.

I ended up staying the night at Pinkie’s after we picked some clothes up from my place, but when morning came, she had to go to her shop and take care of business. I knew that I was probably being looked for as I started packing up, but I figured that I was going to have as much as I needed when I made my way out of Magiville. It barely took me thirty minutes to fill my newly bought bag with spare changes of clothes, supplies, and food while taking my old back and slinging it on my shoulders. I grabbed my portable ATD and with that, I was off on my own.

Kinda.