Two halves...
Pandora, greatest of the draconequui, heir to the legacy of chaos, vision of beauty, grace, and power, and best princess of Equestria, currently found herself cowering before the glare of her mother. “Please, I can explain…”
“Really?” Princess Twilight Sparkle, and coincidentally mother to Pandora, arched her eyebrow in the manner unique to teachers who already knew that there was no sufficient explanation. “Because I distinctly remember telling you no gum during royal duties!”
Sure enough the two of them found themselves sitting in the now unusable great hall of Canterlot. All around them, gum dripped from ceilings and walls and broken windows, until the chamber more closely resembled the world’s happiest changeling cave. Or the aftermath of a Pinkie Pie baking party.
“It was just a little bit…” Pandora sulked, folding her paws over her chest as she slouched defensively. As if to rub in the point, a glob fell from the ceiling, nearly plastering both princesses with fur-obliterating doom.
“A little bit?” Twilight almost screeched, only just blocking this latest splatter with a quick shield. “They’re digging the stuff out of the stonework! And the princesses! Did you know chaos infused gum can stick to their manes? I do now!” Twilight gave an exasperated huff. “You know something like this has never happened before! Who knows if they’ll ever grow back! Celestia could be bald! We’ll have to retroactively take her mane out of all her depictions, lest ponies start thinking she’s got mare-pattern baldness. Heaven forbid they think she’s aging! There’ll be anarchy! Conspiracies! Illuminati!” Already, Twilight’s eyes had shrunk to pinpoints, her mind frantically rattling through the dooms no doubt awaiting a mane-less Equestria.
“Luna didn’t seem to mind,” Pandora whispered, immediately regretting it as her mother fixed her with a glare.
“Yes, because Luna can pull off a bob-cut!” Twilight threw up her hooves. “You know what happened to Cadance’s hair when we cut it short? Snarls, Pandora Eris Sparkle. Snarls everywhere. It made Pinkie look well kept!”
“In her defense,” Pandora’s loyal minion Cupcake threw in, her intonation as flat as ever. “She was technically outside the throne room when the bubble burst.”
“Cupcake, don’t. Just… don’t.” Twilight proceeded to massage her head thoroughly, attempting to drive away the eternal headache that resulted from her daughter. “I don’t care if it burst on the far side of the moon. It’s the principle of the thing. Pandora, please, just once, could you exercise a little VWORP.”
Now, Pandora and Cupcake were no strangers to oddity. As a matter of fact, nine out of ten ponies in Equestria would name them as the primary sources of oddity in the country. Be it living baking products, giant robot wedding crashing, or simply refusing to follow proper royal procedure, chances were they were at the heart of it. That said, having the Princess of Magic suddenly spirited from their presence by what could only be described as a complete collapse of local space-time was kind of new.
Not entirely new, mind, but usually there was a little more warning.
“What,” Pandora stated flatly, staring at the spot where her mother and a small chunk of the floor used to be.
“I think she disappeared, boss,” Cupcake pointed out.
“Yeah,” was all Pandora could answer. For a moment, relief warred with a growing sense of panic, leaving her staring stupidly at the empty spot on the floor.
“Boss?” Cupcake asked.
“Gimme a minute.” Slowly, Pandora took a deep breath. After said minute, she let it out again. “Just, lemme enjoy the absence of scolding for a moment.”
“Gotcha.” The two of them sat there for a few seconds.
Finally Pandora shook herself off. “Okay, I’m good.” She then immediately proceeded to freak out. “Cupcake, what the buck was that?!”
Cupcake studied the spot for a moment, rubbing her hoof along the missing slice of floor. “Well, boss, if I had to guess, I would go with a remote space time pocket inversion. There aren’t shear patterns like you’d see in a summoning, but closer to tensile damage suggesting massive gravitational curvature.”
Pandora stood dumbstruck for a moment, before shaking it off. “Cupcake, when I asked you to do the reading mother assigned me, you didn’t do all of it, did you?”
“It wasn’t that hard,” Cupcake stated bluntly.
“It was a shelf Cupcake. An entire shelf.” Pandora stared for another second, before shaking it off. “Nevermind. You’re the smart one now, apparently. How do we find her?”
“We could always notify the guards,” Cupcake pointed out.
“Pffft,” Pandora snorted, flipping her mane. “They’re just going to ask us a million questions, then tell us to go home and let them handle it.” She coughed, memories flicking back to earlier incidents. “Provided they don’t just blame us right here. Nope! This is a job for Equestria’s finest princess.”
“Hmmmm, well, in theory such an inversion would still have to map to three dimensional coordinates, so your emergency amulet should still be able to find her.” Cupcake shrugged. “Assuming you still have it, boss.”
Pandora sighed heavily. “Here’s hoping.” She started rifling through her mane Pinkie style, her paws gliding through the magical land of hammerspace. A few beachballs, a toaster, and a bathtub later, she cried out in triumph, a small violet crystal clutched in her claws. “Knew I still had it!”
“How much do you have in your mane, boss?” Cupcake asked, peering at the bathtub with a mild curiosity.
“No clue. Been using it ever since mom tried to get me to use those dorky saddlebags.” Pandora started to funnel her magic into the crystal, her horns glowing a soft violet.
“That was over a sixteen years ago, boss,” Cupcake commented.
“Sixteen years spent not looking like a moron.” Pandora grinned as the crystal began to vibrate in her claw. “Cupcake, I think I’ve found her!”
“I didn’t know the crystal could locate,” Cupcake observed.
“Oh, it can’t. But hey, it’s supposed to work with Twilight, and as dad always says: ‘in chaos, close enough is good enough!’” She grabbed up Cupcake under her arm like a piece of luggage. “Hang on tight, this is probably going to be a little bumpy.”
“A little,” Cupcake stated.
“Yeah just like the gum,” Pandora muttered, a grin playing across her face.
“Yaaaaaaaay,” Cupcake deadpanned, before the two of them vanished in a direction that could only be described in eight dimensions, driven on metaphorical wings of pure chaos.
Where they were headed, they could only guess.
Starburst stared off into the distant sunrise, eyes wandering between the clouds that even now glowed gold in the first rays of sunlight. Other ponies might have simply admired the sight, but to Starburst, the clouds were cover, and the gaps were paths of advance. Every morning, she planned the defense of Canterlot from a different threat. Today, she carefully measured the cloud spacing for ambush pickets in the event of another changeling invasion. Wait until their forces were at the city gates, then swing out and sandwich them against the city’s garrison. Wipe them out, and this time, no escape.
“Starburst?” Twilight peered curiously at her daughter, gently giving her glass a tap for attention.
“Huh? Oh, sorry mom. My mind was elsewhere.” Star blushed a bit, but only a little. It wasn’t proper guard decorum to get too flustered.
Twilight sighed. “I know, dear. I was just kind of hoping we could catch up is all. You’re always so busy these days.” The words sent a sharp pang through Star’s heart, but she forced it down.
“I know mom, but if I’m gonna be bucking for promotion, I have to be a cut above the rest,” she said, telling herself she wasn’t just making excuses. “I’m already below regulation height, and if I don’t impress, I’m never going to break lieutenant.” She let her eyes wander off to the horizon, beginning her analysis of the city’s towers’ utility as firing positions. She could probably spread the mages guild through the commercial and government districts and turn the city into an entire arial killzone. Anything not to look at her mother.
“I know dear, but it’s alright to slow down a bit. You’re barely into marehood and already you’re an officer. Shiny wouldn’t get that far for another two years.”
“Oh?” Star blushed furiously this time, her attention back on Twilight. She’d never realized she was actually outstripping her legendary uncle. “I’m actually ahead of him?”
“Yes.” A conspiring smile flashed across Twilight’s lips. “Never tell him I told you, but Shiny used to have four back hooves. He could dance just fine, but put something in his hooves and it might as well have been made of molybendium disulfide!” Twilight giggled, then noticed her daughter’s blank look. “Uh, butter. Butter would work too.”
“Ahhh.” Star nodded, but they’d both felt the disconnect there. That was how these meetings always went. They’d make the effort, but every time something reminded them of the gulf in their interests. Star made a quick glance at the sun again. “My shift’s coming up soon, I really should get back and into uniform.”
“Oh, alright.” Twilight fussed with her cup for a moment, before glancing up. “Oh, Star, wait!”
“Hmm?” Star paused, turning back to look at her mother.
“I just wanted to tell yoVWORP.” The princess of magic disappeared from where she stood, the spot, her chair, and a portion of the table briefly folding into a gap in reality.
“Mom!” Star made a snap lunge for her mother, only to crash into the table, and tumble into the shallow crater that had once been the Princess of Magic. “Guards! Emergency!” She glanced up, spotting the startled expression of a passing pegasus patroller. “You! Fetch Captain Sentry and a full division of guard mages! We have a situation orange!”
“Maam, yes maam!” The guard snapped off a shaky salute, and buzzed off so swiftly for the palace that it left a gust swirling in his wake. As soon as he was on his way, Star proceeded to secure the premisses, grabbing out a royal guard badge from her saddlebags as her training fought to control her panic. It wouldn’t provide the protection of a set of armor, but it would make sure nopony questioned her authority. Suitably armed and feeling more like a guard, she quickly examined the scene of the abduction for any clues. She wasn’t the best student of magic, but living with Twilight Sparkle had helped her learn a few things, such as the propensity for magic to leave scorch marks. And whatever had happened to her mother, it hadn’t left a burn in sight. She glanced at the table, and did a double take. Where the edge of the table had been too close, the metal had been warped and bent, like it had been torn roughly away.
“Lieutenant Starburst” As soon as she heard the bark of the captain of the guard, Starburst snapped to attention. That he happened to be her father didn’t affect things in the slightest. “Report on the situation!”
“Sir! At approximately seven fourteen, Princess Twilight Sparkle disappeared from my presence. I attempted to prevent her capture, but by the time I could react, I was too late.” She gestured to the scene, professionally keeping the guilt out of her voice. “The local evidence would not suggest teleportation or summoning, given the lack of scorching. If I had to guess, I would say it was almost like she was pulled out of place.”
“Very good.” Captain Flash Sentry surveyed the scene himself, rapidly coming to the same conclusions. “And the scene has not been disturbed?”
“Beyond my attempt to save the princess, no. The incident was only a few minutes ago, and we chose this cafe for its isolation. There’s been no public exposure.” She cast a quick glance at the windows, still shuttered against the morning sun.
“Thank Celestia for small blessings. We don’t need everypony finding out about this before an official statement.” He turned to Star, a hint of paternal pride and familial worry hidden beneath the stony exterior of professionalism. “Report back to barracks and gather your gear. As of right now, the entire guard is mobilized.”
In the heart of Ponyville, there was a sound. Those who heard it would later describe it as the sound of ten thousand kazoos crying out, then being silenced. While it would echo through the memories of all those present for all time, it would echo through two minds more than any others. Specifically, it would echo through the minds of Cupcake and Pandora.
“SWEET CELESTIA’S ATOMIC ASS,” Pandora yelled, digging around in her ears. “THAT WAS LOUDER THAN THE ACTUAL SUN.”
“Actually, the sun was slightly louder,” Cupcake corrected, not even bothering to rub her own ears.
“WHAT?” Pandora snapped her claw, popping a pair of ears into her grasp, with a quick tug, she swapped out her own set for the new ones. “Oh wow, that is way better. What’d you say, Cupcake?”
“I said the sun was actually louder, boss,” Cupcake said.
“Eh, you’re probably right. I guess I just went deaf faster that time.” She snapped her paws, conjuring up a trash bin, then dumped her old ears in it before banishing it from existence. She briefly wondered if there was some extradimensional landfill packed with her discarded body parts. She wasn’t sure if that would be awesome or horrifying. “Okay, Cupcake, where to from here?”
“Hmmm.” Cupcake slowly studied the town around them. To the average pony, it would have seemed like nothing more than Ponyville, but years of living with Pandora had taught her to always look past the surface. Chaos magic never did what you’d expect. Looking more closely, she immediately began to pick out differences, moved shops and different decorations.
Also, the distinct absence of a gigantic “draconequus complaints here” sign was something of a giveaway. “Boss, what was that phrase you used once?”
“Time to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of gum?” Pandora rubbed her chin. She found a lot of catchphrases just came to her, so it was hard to keep track. “That is the sound of the inevitable, Mr.Anderson?”
“No, the one about canned ass, boss,” Cupcake corrected.
“Oh!” Pandora snapped her claw, glancing through her handy list of out-of-context quotes. “ Uhhh, here! Toto, I don’t think we’re in Kansas anymore?”
“That’s the one.” Cupcake pointed off towards the horizon, where what could only be described as an opulent little mansion sat just off the main thoroughfare. “I think it applies.”
“Woah, sweet digs! Since when does Ponyville have a mansion?” Pandora whistled, taking in the vaulted columns and manicured hedges, then glanced at Cupcake. “Are we in some sort of alternate Ponyville again?”
“That’d be my guess, boss.” She pointed again, this time at the mailbox. “Especially given that it’s the Sparkle residence.”
“Since what now?” Pandora glanced at the mailbox as well, and her brain promptly jammed up. “What.”
“Are we going to be heading in, boss?” Cupcake asked.
“Oh tartarus yes we’re going in. I wanna see mom’s mansion.” Pandora took her first step, then blanched. “Oh stars, I just realized, you think I’m like… prissy in this world? What if we go in there, and there I am, my hair in curls in a dress, asking ‘what do you think you’re doing in my mansion?!’” Pandora even added a bit of dainty prancing for emphasis.
“Boss, I don’t think you’re prissy in any world,” Cupcake pointed out.
“Yeah, you’re probably right. Just… fate worse than death and all that, you know?” Pandora suppressed a shudder. Somehow, she knew that somewhere, there was a her just like Skyla. Just as every mortal was born knowing they would die. “Come on, let’s go find some clues.” With a snap of her claws, she had a deerstalker cap on her head, and promptly strode up to the door, only to find it locked. “Ah well. Time for the Pandora brand skeleton key!”
“You mean bombs, boss?”
“Yes, Cupcake.” Pandora snapped her claws, producing a massive bundle of TNT, all colored a charming purple, and stylized with grinning little faces. Grinning faces that matched her own. “Yes I do.”
Deep in the royal court, Illusion nearly fell off his chair, prompting a worried look from his mother. “Is something wrong?”
Illusion quickly shook himself off, blinking a few more times in surprise. As a draconequus himself, he’d always possessed a certain sensitivity to chaos magic. That said, when he felt a literal wave of the stuff wash over him, it left him a little disoriented. “I-I’m not sure. I’m sorry, can I be excused today? I think I need to check on something.”
“Of course.” Celestia smiled serenely, but her eyes held a hint of concern. “Just make sure to be back in time for the financial hearings.”
“Yes mother, I promise.” Politely excusing himself from audience, he quickly made his way outside, only waiting until he was out of sight until he teleported.
Perhaps he should have told his mother about the burst of chaos magic, but something inside him refused. Even after all these years, so much of his own heritage was an enigma. He’d asked his father what it meant to be a draconequus, but the stories he’d gotten were as likely made up as true. Being the last of his kind for over a thousand years left Discord a lot of leeway to play with the history. A part of him wanted to see for himself, for once.
Between chaining his teleports and pushing his magic to the edge, it took him only a few minutes to put himself in the heart of Ponyville, where chaos magic hung thick as smoke. Resisting the urge to cough, he quickly took stock of the situation, which seemed to consist of a giant smoking crater blown in the face of the Sparkle mansion. Not the best start, he had to admit, but certainly looking like the work of a draconequus.
It was then that he heard the wild, cackling laughter.
He hesitantly stepped into the hall, where he found a sight he would not soon forget. Sprawled out in the main entryway was easily the second biggest draconequus he’d ever seen, not quite a match for his father, but certainly a sight larger than himself. She sprawled out on the floor, eyes squeezed shut as she convulsed with laughter, her serpentine body curling and writhing as she clutched something in her claws, her violet and white hair falling all around her.
“Oh my gods, Cupcake, no way, no way in tartarus.” The draconequus managed to pull herself together just long enough to glance again at whatever was in her claw, before devolving into paralyzing guffaws. “Oh my gods! This place can’t be real! Tell me I’m dreaming!”
“Excuse me.” Illusion felt a tap on his shoulder, and jumped nearly a foot in the air. Whipping around, he found himself staring at the plainest, most unimpressed earth pony he’d ever seen. “The boss’ll just be a minute. Allow me to apologize for the door.”
“I, uh, you…” Illusion found his tongue failing him. This entire situation was just too strange. “Who are you?”
“I’m Cupcake. That’s my boss.” She stuck a hoof in the laughing draconequus’ direction. “We’re looking for her mom.”
“Mom! Right.” The draconequus sat up abruptly, dropping her held item. As it tumbled to the floor Illusion noticed that it was a framed picture of Twilight and Flash Sentry on their wedding day. “Okay, Cupcake, help me…” She stopped, only now noticing Illusion’s entry. For a moment, there was dead silence, before she broke into barely restrained giggles. “Oh my gods, this place is too great.”
“Excuse me?” Illusion had the sudden feeling he ought to be offended.
“You’re so tiny!” She swept him up into a noogie, promptly running her paws through his hair. “What are you, some kind of pygmy draconequus?”
“Hey! What on--” Illusion found himself squirming helplessly, the height difference between himself and the new draconequus actually allowing her to pick him up like a foal. It was rare that illusion found himself truly embarrassed, but today looked like one of those days.
“He looks like a hybrid, boss,” Cupcake offered helpfully, and getting a snort in response.
“Draconequui don’t hybridize, Cupcake.” Pandora rolled her eyes. Every draconequus kid is a draconequus. I mean, can you imagine just being half as awesome? How sad would that be?” She grinned and took a second look at Illusion, still held in her claws. “I mean, he doesn’t even look… that… much…” As she studied him, her expression continued to fall, going from mirth to almost heartbreaking sympathy. “Oh slap me with a spreadsheet. I’m so sorry.”
Illusion wasn’t sure which he liked less, being held like a foal, or being looked at like he was a quadruple amputee with jaundice and a cheating wife. Unfortunately, the newcomer continued before he could voice this opinion. “Don’t worry, it’s… I mean. You’ll be okay. I mean, omnipotent power isn’t that great. It’s actually, kind of…” She glanced at Cupcake, and leaned in to whisper in her ear. “Cupake, what’s the opposite of impossibly awesome?”
“Possibly awesome, boss?” Cupcake offered.
“Right!” She turned back to Illusion as though he hadn’t just heard their conversation. "It’s very possibly awesome. Wait. That doesn’t sound right.”
“What boss is trying to say is that you should always feel good about yourself no matter how inadequate you are,” Cupcake explained.
“Exactly!” The draconequus dropped Illusion on the floor. “Okay, back to the mission.”
“Wait!” Illusion finally blurted out, getting their attention. “What are you two doing here?”
“We’re looking for her mother,” Cupcake supplied.
“Yeah, would you believe she disappeared right in the middle of a lecture?” The draconequus shook her head. “If there was ever proof there was an emergency, that’s it.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Illusion managed to cut in. “Who’s your mother?”
The draconequus stared at him like he’d grown a second head. “Princess Twilight Sparkle, of course!”
Illusion’s brain died.
Then it pictured his dad banging his aunt.
And then it wished it had stayed dead.
Starburst was not having a good day. She’d never been one to shirk guard duty, but simply having to sit by and watch as the mages went over her mother’s disappearance grated on her nerves like steel wool. She found herself stealing glances at them as she maintained the cordon, watching as they swept over the wreckage with their horns. And meanwhile all she could do was watch.
“Star?” She glanced up, finding herself looking at a halfway familiar pony clad in a pair of painfully garish saddlebags. Though she knew just who it was beneath the disguise, she went through the motions anyway.
“I’m sorry, Citizen, there’s nothing to see here.” As she moved forward to guide him away, she leaned in to whisper. “Sorry, Illusion, this is really a bad time. Mom just disappeared, and we have no idea where.”
“Star, I… wait, you mean Twilight disappeared?” He blinked in surprise, a surprise that Star matched when his saddlebags started talking.
“Wait, your Twilight disappeared too?” A lone eye poked its way out of the saddlebag, glancing out the gap under the flap, prompting Star to nearly break her composure.
“Illusion, what is that?” She jabbed her hoof at the saddlebag, glancing around to make absolutely certain they weren’t being watched.
“It’s… come on. Lead me into the alley.” Illusion glanced around, before getting Star to ‘lead’ him into the alleyway. As soon as they were properly out of sight, he dropped his disguise. “Okay, this is going to get extremely strange, extremely quickly. I just want you to brace yourself.”
“Illusion, my mom just vanished before my eyes, I don’t think--” As if on cue, which it probably was, Illusion’s saddlebag opened, and from it issued forth a head, some arms, and eventually a whole draconequus. Star blinked. “Is she--?”
“Star,” Illusion sighed. “Meet Pandora Eris Sparkle.” He nodded slowly as Star’s head whipped to him. “Yes, you heard me right.”
“Wait,” Pandora cut in, leaning in to peer at Star. “Did you say your mom was… Holy solar spankings I can see it!” She immediately clapped her paws over her mouth, trying to fight down heaving giggles. “Oh wow, this world’s Twilight really picked the low hanging fruit.”
“The buck did you--” She found Illusion’s hooves holding her back. “Let go!”
“Star, she’s here looking for her own mom too!” He struggled to hold on to the angry pegasus, years of guard training making a joke of their size differences.
“Boss,” said an earth pony currently being pulled forth from the other saddlebag. “Maybe you shouldn’t antagonize the locals.”
“But it’s Flash Sentry, Cupcake! She could have married a spirit of chaos and she married dullard do-right!” She fought down another fit of giggles. “It’s like if Shining Armor banged the mailmare!” Pandora paused, then grinned. “Oh mare, I hope there’s a world where Skyla delivers letters for a living.”
“Hey! My father’s ten times the colt yours is! Good for nothing layabout…” She trailed off as she noticed Illusion’s eyebrow climbing towards his hairline. Oops. “Uh, I mean…”
“Look, this is weird enough for everypony.” Illusion glanced out of the alley. “Star, I’ll cover for you out there. You two… see if you can find out what’s going on. Without killing each other.” He lifted one of his paws and gave a snap, instantly transforming into an identical copy of Star.
The two of them watched him go, waiting for him to pass the corner before Star rounded on Pandora, her previous ire still seething in the back of her mind. “Okay, spill. What the buck are you doing here?”
“Gaining a new appreciation for how lucky I am!” Pandora stated with a wicked smirk. “Seriously, what are you, two foot nothing?”
Star felt her cheeks flush hot, her embarrassment not helped by the fact that she had to tilt her head nearly vertical just to look Pandora in the eye. Were she not in uniform, she was sure she would have decked this overgrown idiot in her stupidly high face. “I’m not here to trade comebacks with a delinquent. What do you know about my mom?”
“What, you mean besides--Ow!” She glanced down at Cupcake, rubbing the newly formed bruise in her side. “Okay, alright. All I know is Mom disappeared right in the middle of giving me a lecture, okay? Then I pulled out my old emergency amulet, and tried to use it to follow her.”
“It didn’t work that well,” Cupcake added.
Star glanced over at Cupcake, not sure what to make of the pony, beyond that she could give Maud Pie a run for her money. Or a rock for that matter. “And you are?”
“Cupcake. Minion.” She extended a hoof, holding it out for a solid minute until Star finally shook it. Star nearly gasped, the mare’s limb like solid steel. Again she found her mind going to stories of Maud Pie. “A pleasure.” Cupcake concluded flatly, finally releasing Star.
“Okay, so,” Pandora cut in. “Your Twilight. Did she go VWORP and just sort of suck up everything around her?”
“I-- yes, she did,” Star grunted, annoyed to lose control of the conversation. “Yours do the same?”
“Of course she did, why else would I possibly ask that?” Pandora rolled her eyes, earning another growl from Star.
“You got any idea where she went?” Star asked, again fighting down the growing urge for hooficuffs.
“We thought she came here. Again, duh.” Pandora sighed, waving to Cupcake. “Come on, let’s try the amulet again.”
“Woah, no way you’re leaving without me!” Star took a step forward, drawing a glance from Pandora and Cupcake. “My mother’s missing as well, and chances are she went the same place yours did.”
“Okay, listen Shortstack, I--Ow! Jeeze! The same rib, Cupcake? Really?” Pandora met Cupcake’s deadpan gaze for only a few seconds, before glancing back to Star and sighing. "Fine, you can come. Just keep all hooves and wings inside the ride at all times.”
With that, she snapped her claws.
And Star’s ears learned a new definition of pain.
Somewhere on the outskirts of another Ponyville, there stood a castle. Though its form resembled a mighty tree, it was covered not in bark, but in black painted steel. A thousand glass-wrought eyes stared from its branches, watching the silent town below. From its peak, a lone voice issued forth.
“Good morning. The current time is eleven o’ clock. The weather is overcast with a 24% chance of acid hail in the evening. Please follow all requisite safety procedures, and have a fulfilling day.”
Within the tree, the voice echoed down the metallic halls, stirring two sleeping souls from their slumber. Each one was a purple alicorn with a starburst on her flank. One looked a touch younger, her hair done up in a bun, while the other was clearly the elder, though the white in her hair and bags under her eyes might have been just as much stress as age.
They stirred at about the same time, and locked eyes a moment later.
“What’s the date?” Asked the elder.
“31 years after Luna’s return,” replied the younger.
“What’s your origin code?” Asked the elder again.
“5274329,” replied the younger. “Yours?”
“3967583,” said the elder, sighing. “Well, at least it’s not time travel.”
“Did they laugh at you when you came up with your origin code?” The younger asked.
“Only when I tried to make them get theirs. Of course, a week later we get visited by future Pinkie Pie.” The elder chuckled, remembering that particular adventure. “Nopony was laughing then, ironically.”
“So, alternate versions of each other?” The younger asked, receiving a nod from the elder in turn. “Any bright ideas?”
“Not one.” The elder sighed, feeling up around the base of her horn, where an ink black ring was affixed. She tried a few cursory pulses of magic, examining the ring’s behavior. “The inhibitor ring is solid. I don’t even recognize the material. Some sort of lattice construction that bleeds off the magic with almost perfect efficiency. I’d run dry long before it burnt out.”
“That was my take,” The younger agreed, settling on her cot with a sigh. She glanced around the room, no doubt picking up on exactly what the Elder had: The room was clearly a holding cell, complete with reinforced one way mirror, solid steel blast doors, and a toilet and sink for extended stays. As soon as the younger took it all in, she shook her head. “So much for an easy escape. So, got any family?”
“Yeah, one kid,” The elder answered, settling in for the long haul herself. “You?”
“Two,” said the younger, piquing the elder’s interest. “Boy and a girl. Yours?”
“Daughter.” The elder sighed, half with longing and half with regret. “Everyone tells you kids are going to be a hoofful, but you never really have any idea. You’ll actually probably get to meet her. She eats this adventure stuff up.” The elder rolled her eyes. “Chances are she’s already on her way to rescue me.” The elder glanced around, shrugging. “Not like I don’t need it, but knowing her, it’ll be twice the mess it has to be.”
“Wow, she sounds like quite the firebrand. Reminds me of my own, though she’s not much of one for messes.” The younger smiled, though her expression as well wasn’t without misgivings. “Takes so much after her father.”
“Oh? And who’d that be?” The elder held up a hoof. “Wait, let me guess. Soarin?”
“Soarin? What? Noooo.” The younger burst into giggles. “Rainbow’d kill me if I swiped her little cirrus cloud. No I prefer a colt in uniform.”
“Colt in uni… no.” The elder’s expression took on an aspect of mortification. It’s not like she hadn’t contemplated the option in her youth, but to actually see it played out was a little too surreal. “Tell me you didn’t.”
“Flash is a fine pony!” The younger gave an exasperated huff. “Strong, upstanding, and a loving father.”
“Oh I have no doubt.” The elder giggled, amused that even the version of her who had wound up chasing Flash was embarrassed. “But he’s so dull. At least tell me he gave up the band!”
“They’ve gotten better.” The younger muttered apologetically. “Kinda.” She flipped her mane, shooting the elder a teasing stare. “Well, who’d you end up with?”
“Oh, uh.” It was the elder’s turn to blush. Flash might not have been her first choice, but it’s not like her pick was exactly kosher. “It’s kind of a long story.”
“Please tell me it wasn’t Blueblood.” The younger groaned and rolled her eyes. “I swear, the moment you get a pair of wings, the vultures just start circling.”
“Oh stars, no. I wouldn’t touch him with a twenty foot spear,” the elder snorted, only to briefly realize that there probably was a Twilight married to blueblood out there. Now that was a scary thought. “No, my tastes are a little more… mature.”
“Mature?” The younger rubbed her chin for a moment, before letting out a gasp. “No! You can’t mean Discord!”
“Hey, it’s not like I planned it this way!” The Elder shot back with a huff. “Honestly, that was part of the problem. Before I really got to know him, I thought you had to schedule everything to live an efficient, productive life.” A soft smile teased her face, laced with fond memories of subtext laden fights. “I remember the first year he taught at the school. He made a complete mess of the schedule inside of a month. I spent the first two years just trying to fire the old miscreant. Of course, the students loved him, and he was always on his best behavior with the review board, so I spent most of that time fuming.” She shook her head, chuckling softly. “It was only after I started paying attention to why they loved him that I started to see the beauty in chaos. He kept them on their hooves. He made learning an adventure!”
“Easy there,” muttered the younger. “You’re going a little fanfilly on me.”
“Sorry.” The elder took a deep breath, blushing with embarrassment. “Just, he really opened my eyes to how I was living my life. There are so many things I never would have experienced if not for him.”
“I guess that makes sense.” The younger shook her head. “I just can’t imagine life without my Flash.”
“To each their own.” The Elder shrugged. “Tell me about your kids.”
The younger brightened immediately. “Oh! Well, Star was our first. She was such a sweet little thing growing up…”
“I’M GONNA TAKE YOUR STUPID HEAD AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR STUPID ASS!” Star screamed, her hooves wrapped around Pandora’s throat. The fact that she could even keep her balance, much less engage in aggravated assault, after having her eardrums blown out was a clear testament to her skill as a guard.
“Cupcake!” Pandora gurgled, flailing around as an angry pegasus attempted to decapitate her barehoofed. “Cupcake! Help!”
“I”M DEAF BECAUSE OF YOUR STUPID TELEPORT.” Star squeezed harder, finally dragging Pandora to the ground. She was really gonna kill her this time, she was sure of it. “THEY DISCHARGE DEAF GUARDS. YOU’VE TAKEN EVERYTHING FROM ME!”
“Cupcake!” Pandora snapped a prybar into existence, feebly trying to remove Star from her back, only for Star to knock it sailing from her grip. “Cupcake. Dying.”
Twenty feet away…
Cupcake raced through the undergrowth, the sounds of the continued scuffle disappearing at her back. A part of her heart twinged at the thought of abandoning her boss, but she knew she had bigger fish to fry. Ahead of her, a strange construct of light and metal raced away, trying to outrun her through the heavy undergrowth. Something told her that letting it escape was not an option, lest it return to its masters. She’d read enough military history to know how that ended.
Hopefully boss could keep out of trouble until then.
“Freeze!”
The squabbling half-siblings froze, though it took some frantic gesturing from Pandora to get Star to notice. Facing them was a pony, clearly a guard of some sort, but his uniform was unlike any either had seen. He was clad in heavy, camouflaged cloth, and stood on his hind hooves. Several metal tines seemed to be grafted to his limbs, extending past his hooves to give him de-facto toes and fingers. He leveled a strange black device at them, his posture leaving no question it was a weapon. “Produce your registration papers, now!”
“Right here,” Pandora wheezed, snapping her paw. A sharp hissing filled the clearing, and the guard whipped around to find a large, smiling bomb burning away behind him.
He had a split second to register this. “Son of a--”
The explosion shook the leaves from the surrounding trees, and were the two ponies not already varying degrees of deaf, they would have heard his wailing screams as he sailed off into the cloud choked sky. There was a beat of silence, during which Pandora slowly let herself feel the warm satisfaction of a job well exploded. “Well--” Pandora began, before the clearing filled with rattling thunder.
Before Pandora realized what was happening, Star was gone from her throat. In an instant, she was between Pandora and the noise, her armor casting sparks as shards of metal ricocheted off the enchanted plates. She dove into the bushes, producing a startled grunt from their attacker as her hooves plowed into his barrel. The two tumbled, his weapon clattering away as she proceeded to pummel his face. Fighting back, one of the soldier’s tined hooves grabbed her around the throat, the other yanking a combat knife from his fatigues. In response, Star flared her wings, and for an instant the soldier froze in cowed surprise. It was just long enough for her to drive her hoof into his knife wielding limb, smashing the metal fingers and sending the knife tumbling from his grip. She then finished him off with a vicious right hook to the jaw that left him slack.
“Damn,” Pandora muttered, poking her head up from where she’d heroically dived into the underbrush. “You are one angry little pony.”
“WHAT?” Star yelled, her absent hearing still throwing off her tone.
With a roll of her eyes, Pandora snapped up fresh pairs of ears for both of them, quickly swapping out Star’s before she even realized what was happening. Star blinked for a second as she finally heard Pandora speak. “I said you are one angry little pony.”
“I’m not having a good day,” Star growled, before turning around to dig through the soldier’s fatigues, one hoof absently rubbing her ears.
“Yeah, uh, remind me not to piss you off,” Pandora mumbled, taking a chance to glance over Star’s shoulder. Though she’d never admit it, that little brawl of Star’s had been boss as all get-out.
“Too late,” Star grunted, rifling through several sheaves of papers on the soldier, before finally digging out a map. “Alright, here we go.” She traced her hoof along the various lines, silently mumbling to herself. Pandora leaned in a little closer, but Star swatted her off with a wing, earning the pegasus an indignant glare. “I’m busy trying to figure out where we are. Go secure the soldier or something.”
“Fine,” Pandora sulked, walking over to the soldier. She snapped her paw and conjured a massive three tumbler safe right into existence, deftly tossing the soldier inside and scrambling the locks. Belatedly she remembered to add some airholes.
“What the buck is that?” Star blurted from behind her.
“You said secure him!” Pandora shot back, leaning against the massive container. “How else would I do that?”
“With, I dunno, rope?” Though Star tried to keep a straight face, it was clear she was struggling with the fact that Pandora had simply summoned a couple hundred pounds of iron out of thin air. A fact that brought a particularly smug grin to Pandora’s lips.
“Why?” Pandora asked, cocking an eyebrow sassily. “Just because you can’t carry around a safe on demand, means I have to use some puny rope?”
“Fine, whatever,” Star grunted, quietly grinding her teeth. “I’m gonna see if I can get our bearings. Just stay here and… don’t do anything crazy.”
“Excuse me? You want me to stay here?” Pandora snorted and snapped her paw, a pair of figurines popping into existence onto Star’s map. The one representing Star admittedly took some unflattering artistic liberties. “How about I just get our bearings for us?”
“I…” Star began grinding her teeth harder, only stopping when she noticed that her little figurine was doing exactly the same thing. “Fine. We just need to know where everything else is now.”
“Done and done.” Pandora snapped again, and an entire village found itself on the map. An entire village plus one gigantic metal tree. The two of them stared blankly at it for a moment. It was Pandora who spoke up first. “Damn, that is ominous.”
“Then it’s probably where our mothers are.” Star went through the soldier’s pockets one more time, grabbing a few more papers whose purpose admittedly escaped Pandora. “Come on. Let’s hurry up, save mom, and get the hell away from each other.”
“Seconded,” Pandora grumbled, starting to follow Star, only to suddenly decide she wanted to lead the way. Brushing past, she made it about three strides before Star muscled right on past her.
And so began the pissing contest.
Deep within the highest branches of the iron tree of eyes, a single pony sat alone. All around her, pale screens glowed with sights of the outside world. The streets of Ponyville, the halls of the tree, and a cell filled with two quietly chatting Twilights. Alone, the pony watched them all.
“Twilight Sparkle,” she muttered softly, her lone blue eye fixed on the pair in her screen. “Hello again, my old friend.”