Bathspounge and Twilight continue to try to have a relationship.
Me and Twilight started dating, and neither of us knew what we were doing or how it would turn out, we just knew that they loved each other. Now, we're dating for real, and we need to find out just what love is.
TRIGERS: intense pony slobbering within the confines of a make-out sesh, hyper, wish fulfillment, cumflation, self insertion, full package futa.
The baby dragon watches in stark horror at this horrid horse discourse. "Geez! Get a room, guys!" he says, moving around us to get to the fridge.
"Oh, come on now Spike, don't you like Bathspounge?" Twilight asks, pulling her face off of mine to talk to her live in assistant, but still holding me near.
"I do. Bathspounge is awesome, but you guys are being all lovey-dovey all over the house," Spike whines, grabbing the carrot-juice out of the fridge.
"That reminds me. Spike, you need to move out of my room now that Bathspounge is moving into it," Twilight says, using her magic to help Spike get a glass from the shelf he can't reach.
"So I'm setting my bed up in the basement permanently?" he says.
The laugh track cackles for a few seconds while everyone looks awkwardly confused and confusedly awkward.
"Yes," Twilight says matter-of-factly.
The laugh track kicks in again. And the conversation is put on hold so that the audience can be informed of what is supposed to funny, by the audience.
Spike nods and scampers off, not wanting to speak again in fear of invoking the laugh track once more.
"Now… where were we?" Twilight asks erotically, pushing her head back against mine as she flips off the switch to the laugh track with her magic.
"I believe you were about to ask me if I'd join you on the couch for something rather intimate," I respond, dropping my tone so that it's deep and husky. Because that turns Twilight on, I think.
"The couch? Aren't you afraid that Spike will interrupt us?" Twilight asks, moving her forehooves up my own.
"A boy's got to learn about these things eventually," I respond, flexing my light muscles to appear impressive.
"I'd think he already knows the basics, living in this house," Twilight retorts, sliding her head down to the crook of my neck and beginning to nuzzle me.
“Probably more than just the basics, given how often we do it,” I respond, rubbing my head against Twilight’s, returning her nuzzling action.
“Well of course we do it a lot, you’re the best partner I’ve ever had,” Twilight groans, snuggling even harder.
“I’m flattered, Twilight. If it means anything, you’re also the best I’ve had,” I respond, stifling moans.
“I’d hope so, we’re both very skilled, and very very well endowed,” Twilight responds, full on moaning now.
"Oh Twilight… your rilling me up…" I groan, unaware of Spike passing behind me to put his bed in the basement with the science devices.
"I'll meet you there then," Twilight says after raising her head to whisper in my ear, teasing me with her breath. She then saunters away, shaking her flank more than absolutely necessary as she leaves me to grab the essentials.
I get our usual snacks, pita chips and tapenade hummus, and balance them on my wings before walking into the living room to join Twilight, and find her on the couch, edged toward the lip so that I can slide in behind her. She lowers her eyelids to halfway over her ocular orbs and beckons me with one hoof while she flicks her tail against the cushions behind her. Of course, I can't resist such a sight and quickly slide our snacks onto the coffee table before sliding onto the couch behind her, our bodies interlocking perfectly.
"So…" Twilight begins, turning her head to one shoulder so I can hear her better, "what are you views on the recent actions of the crown?"
"I can't say that their action was without cause: the sugarcane farmers have been requesting market regulation for years. However, I can say that their actions were quite sloppy. Those prices are unreasonable, and I'm sure the market will suffer because of it," I respond, resisting a groan as I enjoy my favorite act with his Twilight: intellectual discussion.
"I can agree with you on the first point, but I must argue the second: the mandated prices aren't meant as a standard, but as a minimum," Twilight retorts, using her magic to open the dish of hummus and dip a chip in it. She brings the chip to her mouth and takes a bite of it as she hears my response.
"The intentions behind it are fine, but the buyers are going to buy for the least they can, that's just logical. With lower profits, growers will have less incentive. Standard market fluctuation would have the buyers raise their prices as product dwindled, but they won't. The Zebraconian corn-syrup business can produce enough to sell at these prices, even with the tariff at what it is. I'm predicting a huge drop in the international value of the bit and a fall in domestic sugar production," I say confidently before eating the chip Twilight offers me. She even made sure to get me a part with the tapenade, this is love.
"I had yet to consider external market's effects, thank you. Now I've spoken with Celestia on this, so I can't expect you to know, but this is only a temporary system," Twilight assures me.
"I am most relieved. What's her long-term solution?" I inquire. Duh, it’s a temporary system, they can’t just expect foreign sucrose overcoming domestic to be fine with the general population. But I do love living in a socialist theocracy.
"Institute a sugar-surplus program that buys excess sugar once the market value drops. Essentially, farmers will always be paid for making sugar regardless of how much they make. I'll have to tell her about Zebraconian corn-syrup though, I'm sure she'll want to adjust for it," Twilight says, snuggling into my side some more.
"The market does need stabilized prices, and I'm sure the growers will appreciate it. Question: what's the excess sugar used for?" I ask, beginning to massage Twilight's back. I’m getting all hot and bothered talking with Twilight about the economy, I might as well work her up to. Maybe we can do my second favorite thing to do with Twilight after this, if you’re picking up what I’m laying down.
Sex.
"Disaster relief packages, mostly. Some of it will be used for hunger-relief, though, I'm sure," Twilight groans.
"Makes sense. Are we giving hunger relief to other countries? Seeing as we don't need it here," I ask, grunting I pops one of her vertebrae. She should really see a real chiropractic specialist though, her spine is fucked up.
"Maybe. Wait! Don't need it? We've got plenty of starving ponies in other parts of Equestria. I know it might not look like it in a farming town such as our own, but Equestria does having malnourished citizens," Twilight yells, almost appalled.
"I can understand it in the metropolises, but most towns have enough grass for them to just eat that," I answer. Twilight is acting like an entitled bitch, not eating grass, but that’s Canterlot ponies for you. She had to have eaten grass at some point in college, when she had the munchies after some brownies or was just poor. She is pretty wealthy though, but her parents don’t seem to be the type to give her money. I’ve never met Twilight’s parents, I should get on that.
"That is reasonable. Grass is pretty awful, but it's abundance and nutritional value makes it good for that, I'll admit. Places where buildings outnumber green-space are more desperate though. You can't deny their need," she scolds.
"Well, they have problems, yes, but they're much better than they could be. Cloudsdale gets most of their food from here, and we had no problem with starvation," I respond, trying to save some face from this absolute reaming I’m getting.
"Hard to believe when they made the likes of you," she giggles, rolling over to tickle my belly.
I laugh and squirm, not wanting to push her away at risk of knocking her off of the couch and hurting her, or the snacks. "Twilight! Please! Stop!" I demand between laughter.
"No! Queen Twilight punishes you to death by tickles for the crime of being a sexy, silly Spounge," Twilight yells, climbing atop me so she can hold me down with the weight of her ass, and then she tickles me even more.
My limbs flail in every direction like a squashed spider who's limbs were spasming due to the distraction of its central nervous system. A sexy spider. In a last effort to save myself from the unrelenting tickles, I hug Twilight and pull her against me, pinning her hooves against my chest so that she can't move them enough to tickle me. Twilight tries to move, but then realizes that she is stuck and drops her head in defeat. I am the true victor. My flag is raised in triumph. My flag is my penis. I think it was because of Twilight calling herself queen, that was pretty hot. I mean, I’d been wicked chubbing the whole conversation, but that title pushed me over the edge. I like it when Twilight takes charge. Not to say I don’t like dominating her, I prefer that greatly, but I can enjoy her being on top, like in my sexual position: The Spounge & Sparkle. As the name suggests, we invented it, and it is awesome.
I see her pretending to look sad and push my lips against hers, giving her the pleasant surprise of a kiss. Twilight eagerly kisses me back, pushing her tongue into my mouth and wrapping it around my tongue. That’s a long tongue, I should make her give me more blowjobs. The two pink snakes writhe and intertwine intensely as I loosen my grip on her, letting her move her hooves free and up to my head to stroke my hair. I move a hoof to the back of Twilight's head and pushes it against me, pushing my tongue deeper into her mouth. Twi moans into my mouth before offering her counterattack, diving into my mouth with her own tongue and seizing control of the sloppy kiss. Spittle from both of us leaks out between our lips as they slide past each other, giving each of our lips a thick wet coating. My hooves stray farther down Twilight's body, grabbing her hips and forcing her to grind harder against me, so she can know about my boner.
Twilight breaks the kiss for air, pulling her mouth off of mine with a loud gasp. I was fine though. Those pegasi lungs and all. She only pulls her head a few inches away, maintaining the intimacy of our session. We stare at each other, panting to refill our lungs with the air we lost while tongue-fucking. Pegasi do have great lung-capacity, but I’m not really athletic at all. Well, I can endure a lot of sex, but not as much as Rainbow Dash. She could go for a week, I tell you what. A thin line a spit connects our mouths before its weighed down and falls into my mouth, where I eagerly lick it up. It tastes like passion, and hummus, and olives.
We ram our lips back together, our faces meeting halfway with all the passion of before: just as passionate, just as intense, and just as erotic as before. Our tongues pick up where they left off before the break, battling for dominance like the USA and USSR. Our hooves rub over eachother rapidly, stroking their backs, flanks, shoulders, necks, head, and other erogenous zones. Just as the hardcore make out starts to become a little more than that when my cock pushes up between her but cheeks and over her lower back, and her normal back. We break again.
"Bedroom!" we both gasp before rushing up there to continue, and finish, what we started.
Chapter 2: The Ol' Spounge and Sparkle, or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Dong
We sprint up the and are soon in her bedroom, ready to resolve all the sexual frustration I, and you, have had since last chapter. I push Twilight down on the bed, still kissing her. She breaks our kiss to speak.
"What shall we do today?" she asks, using telekinesis to pull a clipboard up from under her bed, "we haven't tried the Sultry Saddle yet, wanna try that?"
"You know I've been busy moving those boxes all day, so I don't really think I have the strength to fly and fuck you at the same time right now," I say, hoping to have her on top.
Twilight sighs and rolls her eyes at my silliness. "So you want the Spounge & Sparkle, again?"
"You say it like you don't also love it," I tease, "but yes."
"I do love it, which is why I don't want either of us getting tired of it," Twilight responds, "but if you want to do it again, I won't stop you."
"Yippee!" I yell before snuggling' into the bed and pulling my legs away from my belly so she can start.
Twilight might give me what I want, but she's gonna make me work for it. She climbs over my prone body, now straddling me. She brings her lips down on my neck, trailing kisses down to my clavicle. Once she's brought her lips to my prominent collar bone, she slips her tongue between her lips and starts licking me, dragging the wet organ back up my neck, wetting my fur down. She licks up my neck, over my chin, and then kisses me again.
I might have been eager to dominate her on the couch, but now I'm more than willing to let her take charge as events turn more lewd. I don't let it happen often, but I greatly enjoy it when Twilight takes charge. But since too much of a good thing will spoil it, and Twilight being on top is a very good thing, I make sure it only happens sparingly.
Twilight pulls her lips from mine gently, moaning softly under her breath. "Is that a gun in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?"
"I'm a horse: I don't have pockets, or pants." Like a boss.
A thin drizzle of Twilight's vaginal secretions pour onto my balls, shining them up like the priceless gems they are. I wince, shocked by the hot fluid coating my testicles, but it soon turns to a moan as the sensation becomes more pleasurable. The flow from her between lips pours around me, the constant drizzle renewing what drips of the bottom, before splattering onto her bedspread. Our bedspread now, aw~
Twilight sits down between my spread hind legs and lays our cocks against each other, mine extending much farther. I'm obscenely well hung (for those who don't know) and can make most mares cum from just putting it in. For clarification, I'm well over twice as big as the average stallion: measuring 59 and 5/6 inches long, and 5 3/7 inches thick at it's thickest, when hard. Meanwhile, in the testicle department: if I had twice the normal sized cock (which I do), my balls were twice that again, as I'm packing some nearly 3 foot across balls that bulge with the huge amounts of seed in them. My cock usually hides in its sheath, where one could only see my size if they looked closely. My balls however, are just hanging out for all to see. Not that I mind the stares of every mare in town as I walk down the street, and some of the stallions. And Twilight was like 40 inches or something.
She grinds her hips against mine, our cocks hardening against each other until they're both fully erect, and obscuring our eye-to-eye stare. Twilight moans as she starts the magic, the purple aura expanding to surround both of our huge meaty cocks. The tingle of magic is like a thousand tiny tongues of cool fire lapping against my shaft, waves of feeling rolling down the thick pole as she casts her spell. After what feels like hours of pleasure, Twilight has finished her spell, and feel a new sensation, that of the spell's effect.
Twilight's penis slides against mine as it wraps around it, the slick veined flesh pressing into the sides of me as she grabs my cock with her own. She finishes wrapping my cock in her own, and there are four coils near my base. She starts grinding against me, the coils of her cock sliding up and down my own, stroking my better than any mouth or vagina ever could. Well, on par with Twilight's pussy or tongue; every part of her is like wet silk.
Twilight throws her head back in a loud moan, as she's also getting quite a lot out of the cock-job: every inch of her feels each throb of my dick, each little twitch. It's a subtle pleasure, the cock-job, as most of the enjoyment of it is just from the contact. Of course, we came up with something to spice it up anymore.
Twilight snaps her head back up. "Bathspounge," she moans, "are you ready for phase 2?"
"Mhm," I nod vigorously, smiling wide, as I know what comes next.
Twilight's cock surges forward in size, becoming several feet longer. She push the addition to her shaft between my legs and then down to my anus. She takes a deep breath and then pushes into me. I moan as my ass is penetrated by my girlfriend's cock.
She works a few inches into me, making me moan and scream like I'm the girl in the relationship. Her balls slide against the base of my shaft as she rides/fucks me, pressing together around my shaft similarly to a pair of titties. Not a strict upgrade or downgrade though, not like Shock compared to Lightning Bolt; more like Lightning Strike (or Searing Spear) compared to Magma Jet: different situations require different cards. Like R/W Heroic wants that scry 2, while Jeskai Burn wants the damage, except I think Jeskai Burn plays both, depending on the build. But my girlfriend's testicles are nothing like burn spells from Magic: The Gathering.
How did it come to this.
Twilight pushes me down on the bed by pushing down on my shoulders, pinning me there while she fucks my ass even harder. I'm as giddy as a schoolgirl, and just as stimulated by anal. I'm blissful as she takes charge, dominating every part of me: my ass, hers; my cock, hers; the rest of my body, her's. I could just stay like this forever, letting Twilight pleasure me in the best way I've found possible: it's like heroin, not that I'd know what that's like.
I bliss out completely, unaware of anything in the world but Twilight's enormous cock and her hooves pressed into my shoulders. I try to readjust her so I can become more comfortable, but I can't. She's actually pinned me to the point that I can't struggle free. For one of the first times ever, I am helpless to somepony else; and that's a turn-on. I accept my fate: Twilight is gonna fuck me as long and hard as she wants, and there's nothing I can do about it. That helplessness turns me on some more, and I feel my balls churning up even more cum, despite already being full. Twilight feels this as well and pops my tip into her mouth, eager to swallow my load.
My balls produce so much cum that they've overfilled themselves, and well, there's a shaft designed to remove semen from my body right there. It fires off slow, just pouring from my tip into Twilight's maw. It's thicker than usual, since it hasn't had time to be diluted, and sticks to her throat as she swallows it, producing a nice, thick coat of cum for her mouth and esophagus. She swallows the first few pints with ease, but my balls are still brewing, and so it's still flowing. This continues for a good while, but nowhere near as long as my usual; in the end, she's probably swallowed a good two-to-three gallons of Spounge-Smoothie.
My first pre-load is done, but I don't think I'll have another, as Twilight's erratic thrusts tell me she's close, and being cumflated always makes me cum. Speaking of cumming in huge amounts, Twilight cums. She holds me tighter and slams in even farther as I feel her cum bubbling up her cock. It comes flying down the pipe in thick spurts which massage my cock as they run through the coils wrapped around it, pushing me closer to the edge. Then, the floodgates break. Twilight's cum is shoots into me hard and fast, stinging a little as I'm plastered. Twilight has a quantity that could rival my own though, if that's even possible, so she's not done with just an ass full. Her cum keeps flowing into me, filling my intestines before reaching my stomach.
The stomach full of jizz combined with the increased massaging from her cock grip makes me cum. My massive balls were full to bursting with cum, and now Twilight is gonna be full to bursting. It's less thick than my pre-load, but it's still pretty thick. Think clotted cream, as opposed to the pre-load's mayonnaise. Her gut starts filling up just as mine is, except from the opposite side, and soon our cum-guts press against each other's.
Twilight is the first to stop cumming, but she keeps her cock in my ass, milking me for the last of mine, which still sprays down her throat like a firehouse. After we're done, she out of me, followed by a large spurt of cum before my sphincter closes back up. She takes her mouth off of my cock and rolls over onto the bed next to me. She waves a hoof and her cock shrinks back to it's normal size. We both begin to recede into our sheaths as we bask in the afterglow.
Twilight breaks the silence. "Ten out of ten, would fuck again," she says, turning to me to grin. I punch her shoulder, but she only giggles some more.
"I think I found a new fantasy I want to try," I say, turning my head to face Twi, but stuck laying on my back by the weight in my belly.
"Yes?" Twilight inquires.
"You as a sexy queen/dominatrix, and me as your sub."
"Really? I thought you liked being the Dom."
"I do. But when you called yourself 'Queen Twilight' earlier, and the ticking, and pinning me to the bed just now: I don't know, it turns me on," I respond, shrugging.
"It's okay Spounge, no one has to know your marefriend fucks you in the ass," she teases, kissing my cheek.
I blush and avert my eyes from her. "Clean up now, or morning?" I ask, hoping for morning.
"Pfft!" Twilight… pffts? Before casting a spell. Instantly, both out cum-bellies are gone, and the sheets feel clean again.
I roll over to snuggle Twilight, now free to move with the several pound weight of her cum out of me.
Meanwhile, Spike hears a loud sploush from elsewhere in the basement. He walks over to the hallway he heard it from, and happens upon a huge tank, filled with semen. It smells roughly like tuna and sweat, and looks like an aquarium, full of semen.
Spike no longer wonders what Twilight has been drinking with all meals and snacks these past few days, not why he can't have any. He goes back to bed, after vomiting.
I wake up before Twilight and roll over to look at her sleeping face. She's so cute when she sleeps, her already beautiful features even more blissful without the worries of reality to bother her. I really want to jack-off on her face.
Twilight stirs, and my time watching her sleep is cut short, sadly. She groans and opens her purple eyes. "Oh, goodmorning Spounge," she says, rolling over and getting out of bed. "Did you sleep well?" she asks.
"I was next to you, of course I slept well," I say, also getting out of bed. I retrace our steps from last night, searching for my beret before finding it on the stairs.
"That's good," she says, "get the mail from Spike and I'll start on some breakfast, okay?" "Aught," I say before clopping down the stairs and grabbing the mail from Spike, who doesn't look at me. It's nothing but expectable: bill, reminder that my rent is up at the end of the month, personal letter… personal letter? Who sends personal letters these days? Is someone trying to give Twilight anthrax? It's a Canterlot address, so it might just be something to do with Celestia or the unicorn matriarchy.
"Twilight! You got a personal letter!" I yell up to Twilight as I cross the living room. Our snack from yesterday is still there because we forgot to clean it up. I silently scold myself, "that's how you get ants."
Twilight then comes clopping down the stairs and grabs the letter from me. She shreds the envelope with her magic and begins reading.
"Oh," she says, "it's from my parents, they'd like me to come and introduce my coltfriend to them." She closes the letter and puts it down on the table. "You up for it Spounge?" she asks, turning around to face me.
"Yeah, I suppose so," I say, "if they're anything like you, I'm sure we'll get along swimmingly." Twilight nods affirmatively and makes us three breakfast. Spike watches Twilight as she downs a couple glasses of "milk", just as horrified as when he walked in on me bleaching my own anus.
• • •
I haven't been to Canterlot since I was fighting the unicorn patriarchy to get my articles published. It looks like it did back then: clean, fancy, full of gardens. Twilight leads me up to her parent's house. This is too fancy to be a house. It should be a museum, or a sculpture, but not a house. But that's Canterlot architecture for you. We knock on their door, they open it shortly and we step inside. Twilight greets her parents with hugs and kisses.
Her dad looked roughly like that dude I found in a pile of his own shit in the back of Sugarcube Corner after that party Pinky threw that I almost got a blowjob from Roseluck at. Her mom looked a lot of Twilight, only paler, and with a bigger ass. A mom-ass.
She kisses her hot mom, right on the lips: my penis tingles. Confound my penis. I want to bang Twilight's mom, but then I remember what Twilight told me on the train up here, "don't have sex with my mom. If you absolutely need to cum and can't get me, you can even buy a prostitue. I don't care. Just don't have sex with my mom." Confound my penis.
She introduces me to them, Twilight Velvet and Night Light, respectively. I drop the usual "I can see where Twilight gets here good looks from," line, and I'm on my way to getting their blessing. "But lets not linger in doorways, come on," Night Light says, leading us into the parlor. He pours his wife a glass of wine and then goes on to offer me and Twilight one. Twilight accepts. "No thanks," I say, "I don't drink."
"Don't drink? Why not my boy?" Night Light inquires. 'My boy' that's good sign. "I have anemia, if I drink even a little I could be at risk of alcohol poisoning," I explain. "Anemia eh, how's that treating ya?" he asks, sitting down in an arm chair opposite me and beginning to smoke a cigar.
"Well I'm usually fine as long as I take my iron supplements. It's worse in Cloudsdale, but I'm usually fine," I elaborate.
"Oh, is the elevation here bad for you, dear?" Twilight Velvet asks.
"Oh, no I'm fine. I'm usually fine as long as I take my supplements."
"So, Bathspounge, what do you do for a living?" Night Light asks.
"Well, um…" I begin nervously.
Twilight cuts me off, "He's an author, and although he hasn't been published, I can vouch for him that he's very good."
Her parents nod in satisfaction. I can't see how they could be mad, Twilight is still a student, after all.
"What do you write?" Velvet asks, breaking the silence.
"I wrote a few sociological pieces that never got published. Other than that I've been helping Twilight research and improve flow. I really stopped writing a lot after I was denied a deal I thought was certain, so I haven't that much to my name," I admit, excluding my many writings on the failings of the unicorn matriarchy, considering that I’m in a room with three unicorns: all of them upper-class, two of them mares, one of them my girlfriend, and two of them her parents.
"Twilight, how has Ponyville been?" Twilight Velvet asks, once again eager to break the awkward silence.
"Oh, you know, small town problems for small town ponies," she says, blushing. Why is she blushing? Is she ashamed to talk about me? Aw~ it's like that song "Dirty Little Secret."
"How did you two meet?" Night Light jumps in, ending another silence.
My turn to answer, especially after Twilight saved me earlier. Fuck, how do I explain this without sounding like a stalker or talking about sex. Well, I did actually meet Twilight before then, I guess I can tell that story.
"We met at a party," I begin, Twilight looks up at me with a "oh no"-face. Why would she be upset with that story, it's not a lie and it's G rate- oh no. I forgot why we ran into each other at that party, fucking Pinkie Pie. I can save this. "For the scholar's guild. It's pretty small in Ponyville, all the non-farmer's guilds are. So, it was just us and then one of my friends who had to leave early. We talked for a long time and became friends. Later, we started dating." Whew… made it through it. It's not too much of a lie, even; we did run into each other again in the Scholar's Guild, albeit it was after Pinkie Pie introduced us with "you guys are both bookworms, you should hang out. Also, my bedroom is empty if you need it." Coincidently, we later did have sex in her bedroom, although Pinkie was also there.
I wasn’t paying attention to what Twilight’s Dad said next, but Twilight answered him so that’s fine. I’m pulled from my forlorn fantasy of other good threesomes I could have with Twilight and her friends by Twilight’s mom asking her daughter if her and I will be sharing a bed or not.
I blink. I wasn’t planning on fucking Twilight during this trip, but I guess if her parents are okay with it then I’d gladly rail her.
“You have two other bedrooms setup?” Twilight asks.
“You and Shining’s rooms are still furnished, along with the guest room,” her mom answers.
“We can just share my room, then. We’ve moved in together at my house in Ponyville, so it’s fine.”
Her mom gives her a look, and her dad gives me a look. Looks that say “Scandal,” and “Nice, bruh,” respectably.
“Speaking of him, Shining is coming over tomorrow to meet Bathspounge. We’re having lunch with him at L’enclos,” Twilight’s mom says. Ooh… Ritzy.
“We’d also like to take you two out to dinner tonight; the L’enclos reservations were expensive, so you’ll have to pass for [insert pony restaurant pun here].” Twilight Velvet continues.
“Ooh… Ritzy,” I josh. Which means to joke, everyone knows that; except for you, Nathan from school.
• • •
FUCK YOU NATHAN FROM SCHOOL!! Stop PMing me on Neopets! I don’t want to play with you! And if you’re actually gonna listen to me, for some reason, stop linking people on there or at school to my fanfictions. Fuck you!
• • •
Me, Twilight, Twilight’s Dad, and Twilight Velvet all go to [repeat pun from earlier] and all eat the delicious hay-burgers and hay-fries, lot of hay in our diet really. Anyway, afterward Me, Twilight, Night Light, and Twilight’s Mom all go back to Twilight’s Parent’s house and since it’s like 9:30 the elder two pones go to bed. Me and Twilight also go to bed, and then we………………………..
Don’t have sex; we’re at her parent’s place after all, can’t be having intense screaming pony sex with each-other, we’d stain the shit out of the sheets, and we’d be heard by her parents for sure, oh! And she’d have to waddle out to the bathroom, and that’s it’s own whole can of worms: she might be seen, the bathtub full of semen, the floor dribles, and the crusty towels. Yeah, so since we don’t, and even can’t, have sex we just cuddle and grind lewdly against each-other while mumbling about stallionsim.
But then, the next morning, some major shit happened.
Notice: Chapter may be omitted without detriment to the greater story’s comprehensibility or flow.
I knew that Twilight had a brother, I knew he was coming here today, and I guessed he was a unicron, considering that his whole family was also unicrons, I thought I had never met him.
I was wrong.
Not about him being a unicron, he was, but about never meeting him, we had definitely met each other before.
Let me explain: back about four years ago I was traveling to Las Pegasus for a Magic PTQ and decide to split a room with my best bro Shinning Armor.
~~~~~~~~~~~
“Yo dawg, did you remember to brush your teeth? Those are the only teeth you’re gonna have, bro," Shinning inquires as I saunter out of the bathroom.
"You know it bro! I take dental health very seriously," I reply.
"Like you should! We're horses, so our diets are very rough on our teeth."
"Toats bro. Toats, bro," I say as I climb into bed with him, but not in a gay way, or anything.
"You know bro, you're pretty cute," Shinning says as he slides closer to me and wrap a hoof around my front, pulling me against him.
"Pretty gay, bro," I respond, clenching my anus.
"Come on bro, I won't tell if you don't," he continues, grinding against my butt.
"Well, that's nice, but it's not really the issue, it's that I don't want to have sex with you," I retort.
"Come on bro, I thought we were friends, isn't that what a friend would do?" he badgers.
“I don’t know Shinny, I’ve never had sex with another stallion before. It would be weird.”
“I swear I won’t make it weird.”
“I don’t even know if I could take you in my butt, I’ve only ever fit a foot-long dildo, my hoof, and some misc. buttplugs up there.”
“Well, I mean, I am a foot long,” Shinning admits.
“Oh, I’m so sorry,” I tell him.
“Don’t be. Perfectly average has been fine for me so far. Sure, I’d love to have a monster cock, but there’s nothing wrong with being average.”
“Woah. Wait, a foot is average?”
“Yeah, why? Don’t tell me your cock is like two feet or something ridiculous.”
“Nah dawg, two and a half,” I exclaim as I unsheath the 17th colossus, the one between my legs, ironically also the size of one of my legs. (AN: Geddit? It’s a reference to the original tale of Bathspounge. If not, sorry for the inconvenience.)
“Woah, nice cock bro.”
“Thanks bro, I’ve been working on it.”
“Good job bro, it really shows.”
“Thanks bro. So, we gonna get to the butt-stuff now?”
“Oh, of course bro. I’m on top, right?”
“Wait, which one is on top? The one who’s penetrating or…?”
“Well, let me refine my query: you’re catching, right?”
“I get that terminology. And yes.”
Shinning Armor rolls onto his back, putting his package on display.
“Bonzai!” I yell as I jump on that dick like it’s a trampoline, only with my anus instead of my feet. Speaking of feet, a foot is a lot more than I thought it was, especially when it’s balls deep in my anus.
As I land on his cock, my own massive penis flops against his chest, the flare landing right on his open mouth, open because he’s moaning, because my anus is constricting around his dick. Precum starts flowing out of my dick, to a degree of about a gallon every 2.5, or 150 seconds, minutes. Shinning laps up my cum, his tongue darting over my tip and dipping into my wide urethra, effectively making out with my cock.
I lay down on top of my cock, pressing it into Shinning as I lick my cockhead as well. Of course, this causes my tongue to occasionally rub into Shinning’s. As it goes on, we go from worshiping my cock to making out with each other, with my cock in the middle. It’s like one of those hot double-blowjobs with two chicks kissing all over a guys dick, only one of the girls is me. And we’re also fucking.
My precum, clearly clear, turns white, meaning it goes from precum to real cum. The feeling of two tongues on my cock, and probably the dick in my butt as well, has been enough to make me enter my plateau, of course marked by slow, soft ejaculation.
"Jeez dude, cumming already?" Shinning gasps, pulling away from my cock for less than a second before hungrily going back in for more.
"Kinkily enough, no, but also yes, it's not my orgasm, but I am cumming," I ramble between licks of my cock.
Speaking of weather or not someone is orgasming, after just a little more sex Shinning ejaculates within the confines of my booty. His hot seed splashes against the back wall of the inside of my backside; it’s far better feeling than I anticipated, of course I’ve never put more than a foot-long dildo, my hoof, and some misc. buttplugs up there, so it’s not like I have anything to compare the semen currently inside my but to. It's far less than I've cum so far, and far FAR less than my total, but it's still enough to make me squirm as he pulls out of my ass and lays down on the bed, his penis going as soft as a jellyfish.
"Wow bro, cumming already?" I tease, letting the head of my overflowing penis out of my mouth for only a second before clamping my lips back down around my flare. "Now how about I fuck you?" I ask, 100% percent sincere.
"Are you crazy?! You'll shred me like a Chaos Orb if you put that thing inside me!"
"Nah, think about it this way: it should be impossible for my cock to fit inside you, but it should also be impossible for my cock to be this large, so they cancel eachother. An I right?" I enlighten Shinning.
"Bathspounge, bro, that… idea… is GENIUS!" Shinning beams.
I grab Shinning's haunches and lift his ass up before lining up my flare with his muscle-flower in preparation of this sodomy.
I fuck his butt.
Time goes in slow-mo as I penetrate Shinning: my flare pops inside, he winces, I slide in more, he goes full ahegao, my cum keeps pumping, and by the time I've gotten halfway in he's too round and full of cum for the bulge to be seen. Of course, this semen-cushion also helps to stretch him out for me, ceasing the resistance of his poop-shoot around my cock and letting me bottom out without issue.
But his butt can still touch enough of my cock to drive me to orgasm, my balls tightening before painting Shinning's insides as white as his outsides. He swells like my pride at watching him swell as he's filled with more cum than you'd see with a black-light in a teenage boy's bedroom. I thrust against his ass, my bowling-ball-balls slapping against his muscled asscheeks as I ride out the last of my orgasm, these last quick shots of cum proving to be too much for Shinning, and making him overflow from the mouth and nose with my thick and potent man-goo.
"Yo dawg, thanks for talking me into that, it was great," I tell Shinning Armor as I roll off of and pull out of him before heading to the bathroom to clean off my dick.
Shinning Armor gurgles.
~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, in a place where I physically am.
"Bathspounge?" Twilight asks, waving a hoof before my face. She sounds concerned.
"Oh, yes, Twilight Sparkle," I say, returning from my flashback.
"This is my brother Shinning Armor," she says, gesturing to him.
We (meaning me and Shinning) shake hooves (a process similar to shaking hands, only for horses) and pretend to not know each other.
"What was up with that pause?" Twilight asks as we walk into the sitting room.
"Just, you know, fantasizing about not having sex with your brother."
The air was palpably tense as we sat down for dinner. It was if there was some unspoken hum of tenacity, like the sound of a shower and/or vacuum cleaner running on the other side of the house, only intense instead of showers. The table is a circle; to my right is Twilight, then her mom, her dad, and Shinning Armor, and then me again, because the table is a finite circle.
"What would you all like to drink?" asked our serving pony.
"Water!" I splurt out, probably seeming rude, but actually strategically going first so I don't have to wait through everypony else's orders. They all ask about wine selections, and pairings, and other things alcoholics care about. I use this spare six or seven-ish minutes to deduce what the best foursome would be once I get home. Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Rarity. No! Twilight, Pinkie Pie, and Rarity. Ooh! Twilight, Rainbow Dash, and Pinkie Pie! Or… Twilight, Rainbow Dash, as Fluttershy, yeah, that's the one. I could have Fluttershy sitting on my face, Twilight gargling my balls, and Rainbow Dash getting her throat ruined by my cock. And they could switch periodically, to switch it up. Rainbow Dash could even turn around and have me fuck her Rainbow Gash after I filled her belly, and then when she sits on my face I can eat my own cum out of her.
Unf. H-O-T-T Hawt.
It's so amazingly hot that I have to resist popping a boner, especially cause it'd go all the way under the table and skewer Twilight's mom, which I'm forbidden from doing. But anyway, I get my menu. It's surprising how limited a vegetarian menu made by an omnivorous author is. I pick out some vege-rice-thing with a chesse-sauce and return to fantasizing about Rainbow Dash. I wanna crash into her gash, mash her ass-sh.
Ooh! Bread-basket.
While everypony else is busy trying their wine and complimenting it to the servingpony, I yoink the prime bread and dig into it, pulling off hunks of the soft, porous flesh with my teeth and chewing it into a paste before swallowing and diving back in for more. I finish my first one and dive in for more, dipping this one into the accompanying herb-infused olive oil. Sweet Celestia. This. Is amazing.
I have two more before leaving the rest for my theoretical family? Future family is too optimistic, and future in-laws isn't much better. Uh… gawsh, I guess I'll just call them my marefriend and her family. This makes me think: Twilight had never met any of my family, and she likely never will, given that even I don't know my dad, and my mom is incarcerated. I'm only pulled back to the land of the living when Twilight actually punches me in the face. Well, not an actually punch, more of a prod, but our fists and our singular fingers are identical, cause they're both hooves. "What? Yeah!" I say, shaking my face.
"Pay attention!" Twilight hisses. Actually hisses. She hisses at me. "Now how are things going with the princesses, Twilight, are we still getting box-seats to the wonderbolts?" Nightlight asks.
"I can keep getting them for you if you like," she munches some bred, swallowing it likes she swallows oh so much of my sperm, "one of my friends is a big fan, so I'm not sure if Celestia would be upset with me asking for 3 season-passes next year."
"Well she can just take mine," Twilight Velvet responds, "I never liked those races anyway."
"Well that means you'd be sitting with Rainbow Dash, dad, would you be okay with that?" Twilight Sparkle asks.
"She's the blue one, right?" Nightlong asks.
"Yes, dad, she's the blue one."
"Well she's a bit of an excitable filly, but I'm sure we'd get along. We both like the wonderbolts, at least," he chuckles.
By god. These people are so boring, it's as if they are intentionally trying to have uninteresting lives. When Twilight and me and her friends have dinner, it's a hoot. It might be less awkward because I've fucked all of them, or because we're all young attractive people, but it's something.
"Speaking of getting along, how did you and Bathspounge get to know eachother? Outside of the scholar's guild, I mean."
"Oh man! Let me tell you about it!" finally, something interesting, "Twilight used magic to make my cock huge, not as big as it is now, but still freaking huge, so then I'm fucking her, and after a coupla hours I cum, and then we have to go to the hospital because I mutilated her internal organs or something; but then we get back and I'm fucking her again, and I've got her pinned to the bed and I'm just bottoming out, I mean balls deep in her pussy, and it's magical." I'm not really conveying how hard I was fucking her, I need a diagram! I grab two long, kinda baguette-shaped rolls and ram one into the other length-ways, turning it inside out. Yeah, that's some mighty-fine work. "So it's like these two rolls: I'm about to tear out her other end with who big I am, oh yeah! She made me even bigger, real size-queen here." I tussle Twilight's hair affectionately. "So I'm fucking her the best she's ever been fucked, hell! The best anyone's ever been fucked, and then I cum, and-" I need a diagram for the cum, ah-ha! The gravy from the bread-basket. I grab the pitcher and, after pulling my roll from Twilight's, fill her with gravy. "So I've filled her to bursting, and this roll doesn't stretch, but Twilight did, she was basically a cum-balloon out there, right? So then I keep fucking her." I plunge my roll back into hers, squirting the gravy out in every direction, at least some hitting each of the ponies at the table. "And then Twilight's super worn-out, and she just can't take any more, so she gets her friend Rainbow Dash," I grab another roll, this one more of a soft circle, like a breakfast biscuit, and ram my roll into it. "And after I've absolutely ruined Rainbow's throat, I put in her pussy." I spin the roll around and ran my roll into the other end, pushing out the hole I already made. "And then after a while I cum her in." I pour the gravy into one hole, but it just falls through the other one and onto the table I'm standing on. "And then I think I fucked Fluttershy? And then Pinkie Pie, Rarity and Twilight, at the same time! And then all of them again. And by the end, I think we had all grown as ponies." I sit back down and start chewing on one of the rolls from my lecture. The whole table, and the table next to us, and the whole staff, and pretty much the whole restaurant stare at me as I nonchalantly eat my bread.
Then Twilight moves.
In the blink of an eye and she grabs me in her magic and pulls me into the mares' bathroom, locking us in a stall.
"Bathroom sex? Guess my story got you all rilled up, but I can dig it," I say.
"No! Are you insane?! What the fuck Bathspounge?! What the actual fuck?! You just told my whole family what we do in the bedroom! I can't believe you!" she punches the stall-wall, actually punches it, not fake punches it like she punches me. "But, I'm not mad, I'm not mad, I- just need you to not say anything for the rest of the dinner, okay?"
"Yeah, yeah, totally," I say, relaxing as I no longer fear Twilight murdering me.
"Now give me that bathroom-sex, I need to let off some steam."
Bathspounge always gets the yes.
~~~
We walk out of the bathroom to find the restaurant perfectly normal again, I guess we were in there a while. I sit down and wince, I guess my pussy is still a little sore. Man, and Bathspounge didn't even cum inside me. One day without sex and he fucks like it's been a year without it. I judge the room and see that my parents don't want to talk about what Bathspounge just did, and that Shining is more or less just embarrassed for me.
We finish our dinner in hard silence and go home.
"Would you like to join us in the drawing room, I think we could hook-up the projector and put on a film?" mother asks.
"No, no, we're fine, me and Bathspounge will just be going to bed," I say, putting a hoof over Bathspounge's shoulders and leading him upstairs. He clearly thinks we're gonna fuck, which is what I want, so I can have him alone.
We sit down beside eachother on the edge of the bed and I begin.
“Bathspounge, looking back over the past two weeks I feel like you’ve just been a sex machine. You’ve been a romantic partner the same way a pitching machine has been a baseball partner,” I begin.
“You’re right, I have been a sex machine. I just have sex... and nothing else.” He stares at the floor, existentially. “I’m so sorry. What do you want me to do, to make this right?”
“I want you. Not your penis, you,” I tell him.
“I am engaged by your mind Twilight, that’s why I fell in love with, and why I moved in with you.”
“Are you really in love with me, or are you just in love with having sex with me and my friends?”
“No, I am in love with you.”
“How do I know you’re telling the truth?"
“Twilight,” he takes my hooves in his own and looks into my eyes as he continues, “even if I didn’t have a penis, and couldn't have sex, I would still be with you.”
“D’awww~” I daw.
“I’m not perfect. But I’m so flattered that you were honest with me that I want to hold you down and kiss you, right on the lips,” he says as tears start leaking from his eyes.
We hug, but I don’t let him kiss me, I’m still mad from what he did at dinner.
“Can I tell you about a new spell theory I’m working on?” I ask, wiping away my own tears.
“I might not understand it, but I wanna hear it anyway, for you,” Bathspounge says, smiling despite his tears.
Bathspounge listens intently, nodding as I come to the end of a line, and asking questions when he’s confused. He’s often confused, but I explain myself every time. And once I’ve explained my theory to Bathspounge we fall asleep in a nonsexual cuddle.
I wish I could say that happened, but sadly, both Bathspounge and I are imperfect creatures.
I sit Bathspounge down on the edge of the bed and he immediately reaches a hoof between my legs. I swat his hoof away, and begin.
“Bathspounge, looking back over the past two weeks I feel like you’ve just been a sex machine-”
“You're right, I am a sex machine! Thanks, toots,” Bathspounge responds, moving in to kiss me. I push him away and continue.
“And by that I mean that you’ve been a romantic partner in the same way a pitching machine is a baseball partner,” I say, only a little frustrated. I lead in with something deceptive, after all.
“What’s a pitching machine?” he asks.
“Okay, nevermind. The point is that being a machine is bad here,” I respond, a little agitated, although I don’t really have the right to be, pitching machines aren’t too common.
“How?” he asks.
“Well, it’s like you’re a washing machine or a dishwasher: you do a singular job, and that singular job is sex,” I explain, still agitated, and more justified in it, since Bathspounge is only giving me single word responses while I’m pouring my heart out for him.
“But I do it very well.”
“Yeah, you do, but that doesn’t make up for it!” I raise my voice.
“I guess that’s a fair point. So, what do you want me to do, to make our relationship better, I mean?”
“Listen to me, and have conversations with me,” I say slightly more calmly. He understands that there’s a problem, and that’s the first step to fixing the problem.
“We do that now, though. Don’t you remember, like, 2 days ago, with the hummus?”
“Yeah, I liked that. But I want that to be our mean interaction, and right now it’s just fucking eachother’s brains out.” He’s denying that we have a problem, denial is the first step of grief, does he think we’re breaking up?
“So, you don’t want to have sex anymore?”
“No, I do want to keep having sex. But, I want to do other things. Here’s my proposal: How about I make your cockand balls smaller, that way you’ll have less of a sex-drive, and need to have less sex?” I propose.
“That sounds like a really bad idea,” he says, almost frantically, “a really, really bad idea.”
“I’ll make it bigger again later, this is just to make sure that we work without it,” I reassure Bathspounge
“But, what if normal, not-hyper sex isn’t as fun and ruins our relationship?” he asks, equally frantically. Does Bathspounge only love me because of the sex?
“The point of doing this is so that we have less sex, so if we have less sex, it’s not a problem.”
“But what about your friends? Don’t you think they’d be upset if I wasn’t having sex with them like they’re used to?”
“Bathspounge, are you really in love with me? Or are you in love with the hyper-cocked sex with me and my friends?”
“No! No, remember the hummus, with the pita chips?”
“Listen Bathspounge. I know you love your cock too much too ever agree to this, but we’re gonna be much better if I do this, so I’m just going for it.” I wrap his body in a field of magic and begin unmaking inch after inch of his cock.
“NO! TWILIGHT! PLEASE! PLEASE STOP!” he screams and begs, squirming in my magic field, but unable to escape. I’m good at magic.
His cock stops shrinking at 18 inches(hard), not super big or super small, but decently large.
Bathspounge stairs in awe at his crotch, prodding his flaccid cock with a hoof.
“I can’t believe you’ve done this!” he yells before running out of the house.
Chapter 6: What Do You Think This is?! A Fucking Magical Girl Anime?!
I found it hard to keep running with tears streaming from my eyes, so I sat down on a bench to cry some more. Fucking Twilight Sparkle, what a bitch, taking away my penis like that, what a bitch. She won't give me sex, but she also made my penis too small to suck on. I can't suck my own penis anymore! I CAN'T SUCK MY OWN PENIS, GUYS!!
I angrily hit my hoof against the back wall of the bench; I am met by a metallic ring and a stinging pain in my hoof. For the moment, I stop crying for the moment. I stand up from the bench and concider where to go: down one way there is Twilight, and down the other is unknown, but at least I know Twilight isn't that way. I set off, away from Twilight, again.
My head really hurts, it's throbbing in a way only my penis usually does. Hahaha ;-;
My thoughts turn to my mother. She's still in prison for raping me. She was sentenced to 10 years, but that was 7 years ago, so she only had 3 years left to serve. It's crazy that she's still serving time for a crime that I, the victim, have moved on from. I should go see her, eventually. Also, where is my dad? It's the 21st century, I should be able to find this information. Wait, I totally can, his name is on my birth certificate, so I can just check there and then look him up. Damn. I thought he was the bad guy for not finding me, but he thinks I'm dead, it's totally my responsibility to find and reunite with my father. But first, I need to either get back to Ponyville, or get back with Twilight: on one hand, Twilight has greatly upset me; on the other, she holds the key to my huge penis.
I would have kept debating, but just then I happened to walk into a frat house mid-party. Some beige unicorn hands me a red solo cup filled with a singularly beige liquid. Beer. I had only drunk beer one time, at that party that I didn't score with Lyra at. Now that was a party. Suddenly I'm picked up in unicorn magic, something I'm most used to from bagging Twilight with many magical enhancements. The crowd is screaming, and as I'm carried across the room, I know what's going on: I'm going to be a human sacrifice. I wiggle, but I am unable to get free. And just as suddenly as I was picked up, a tube is forced into my mouth and I'm facing a shinny metal circle. I know what this is! I read about it in one of my books: it's called a keg-stand, and it's gonna kill me.
"Guys, I have a condition," I try to protest as the watery brown liquid jets into my mouth, and it comes out sounding more like Twilight gagging on a couple dozen gallons of cum. This beer doesn't taste too much like alcohol, more like wheat and water. Given the alcohol content, I might survive this. I keep drinking: if I'm gonna die, I'm gonna die partying. But wait, Twilight would be devastated, but she shrunk my penis! MY PENIS!! Yeah! I'm gonna kill myself with alcohol poisoning and make Twilight feel super guilty, and then I'll haunt her forever, and we'll have ghost-sex like in Ghostbusters. I notice how full my stomach feels, not unlike it is after Twilight busts a nut inside me. How long have I been drinking this beer? It was before I was thinking about Ghostbusters, so that's like 3 hours ago. Wait, I'm not drinking beer, I'm laying on the ground.
"What the hell?" I ask, standing up off the ground. My head hurts, and my vision is blurry.
"Oh man, thank Celestia you’re okay. You totally bailed in the middle of that keg-stand, and then you curled up in the corner. We thought you might have died, but you're okay now," some blue-ish horse says.
"Wow. That's crazy. Agh," my head throbs with pain as I try to get up. I collapse back onto the floor. "Is there anything you have for this headache I've got?"
"You know, you're surprisingly drunk for someone who only had like two mouthfuls of beer," he tells me as he leads me to the house's kitchen.
He makes me a glass of water. I grab it and then it's gone and my face is wet. I'm on the floor again. Fucking floor.
"Jeez dude, is this your first time drinking?"
Now, just don't slur your words. "No! I'm just… I got a condition, it's a bloods." Perfect.
"Alright: I got you drunk, so I'm taking you on as my responsibility." He punches me.
Next thing I know we're fucking walking around into some dirty basement that smells like the breath of a vegan smoker who hasn't brushed her teeth since 1937.
No, wait, I'm sitting down, everyone else is walking around. There's that blue horse who's taking care of me! I wave. He looks over at me, smiles, and goes back to his conversation. What a nice young boy.
My hoof hurts, it's on fire. I drop the fire. Somepony is immediately stomping it out. Was I smoking? Am in a crack den? Oh Celestia, I'm in a crack den, I just smoked crack, I'm gonna become a crack whore, I'm never gonna see Twilight again. I curl up into a ball and start crying. Ball is safety, ball is home.
There's a hoof on my back, I open my eyes and see it’s the nice blue horse. "Hey buddy, how're you holding up?" he asks.
"I wanna see Twilight again~!" I bawl.
"You will, buddy, you will," he assures me, patting me on the back.
How am I gonna see Twilight again if I'm a crack whore? Does Twilight smoke crack? No, which means she deals crack! Oh no, I'm dating a crack dealer.
"My marefriend's a crack dealer…" I mumble.
"And is this marefriend Twilight?" blue horse asks.
"Yes!" I say, before even realizing that I've accidentally told him everything he needs to know to track down Twilight and steal her away from me. I'm not even dating a crack dealer anymore.
"It's okay, it's okay." He turns his head away from me. "Yo Tony! You know a crack-dealer named Twilight?"
"Nah!"
"Sorry pal," blue horse says, turning back to me, "not sure if we can find her."
I start coughing really violently, and then everything is really dark.
And then it's really bright! There's a light in my eyes! I'm strapped to a chair! They're extracting my kidneys! No, that's stupid.
"Is this a crack-den?" I ask.
"No," chuckles the unicorn holding the light. "Not anymore, anyway. How do you feel?"
"My head still hurts, but I can see better than before, and my voice is back to normal."
"Now you got dumped on the hospital's doorstep last night. You were full of cheap beer and weed. Any idea how that got there?" he asks me.
"No clue man, all I remember from last night is going to a party, passing out, waking up in a crack den, and then I'm here."
"What party was this?" he asks, putting something in my left ear.
"I don't know, I just wandered in. My marefriend kicked me out last night, and I just found my way in."
"Okay. Well you seem innocent in the whole thing, plus Luna showed up while you were asleep and told me to, so I'm not gonna call the cops. Anyway, you're good to go," he says, unfastening the chair. "Now go home and get some rest."
I start walking off, but then I turn around. "Can I sleep here instead? I don't wanna go home to my marefriend right now."
"Yeah, sure, there's an infirmary on the left. Find a spare bed and lie-down."
And then I slept.
I'm in my childhood home, in my room, sitting on the floor making a tower of blocks. I'm still a grown adult, though.
"Hello Bathspounge," says a smooth and sultry voice. I look up, and princess Luna is laying on my bed.
"Oh hey Luna, I haven't seen you in a few nights, what's up," I ask, putting my blocks down safety so that they don't knock over my tower.
"Our affairs are quite alright, although not of interest to you. How did we come to find you in that hospital?"
I sigh. "Twilight threw me out last night after a big fight, I stumbled into a party, and then got dragged to a drug-house. I didn't mean to hit rock bottom in a single night."
"That's isn't rock bottom: rock bottom is heroin."
"Lets hope I don't hit rock bottom, then." I go back to my castle.
"What do you plan to tell Twilight?"
"To make her forgive me? Well, the fight was about me only valuing her for sex, so I have to prove that I love her mind. I think I'm gonna write her a book, and then probably accept her proposal to not sleep together for a while, since that's what I'm getting now anyway." "That's quite mature of you."
"Now who's having a wet dream about me right now?!" I ask, springing to my feet.
Luna sighs and opens the curtains of my window to reveal that the window is actually a screen displaying Fluttershy being brutally railed by me.
"Nice," I say as I scoot next to Luna and put my arm over her back.
"Do not forget: you are still in a hospital infirmary," Luna reminds me.
"Good point." I let go of her and close the window. I sit back down and keep building my block tower. I think these blocks are heavy enough to make this balcony free-standing.
"You should really be thanking Twilight for getting you to that hospital, she told me to watch out for you last night, since she knew you wouldn't let her near you."
"Twilight shrunk my penis, man. And I like my penis a lot. That's like taking Fluttershy's animals, or Rarity's dresses, or Pinkie Pie's cakes, or Rainbow Dash's… man, Rainbow Dash doesn't really own many things. Does Rainbow Dash own anything? Does Rainbow Dash live somewhere? Is Rainbow Dash homeless? Luna! Is Rainbow Dash homeless?"
"No, she lives in a cloud, you've been there, you banged her there in chapter 4."
"No I banged Shinning Armor in chapter 4, or rather, I thought about banging him. I mean, I thought about the time that I had banged him."
"I meant chapter 4 of the first Tale of Bathspounge."
"Oh yeah!" I exclaim, "I totally forgot that happened."
"Don't feel bad, everyone forget about that chapter."
I shrug and finish the buttresses.
"Dose thou truly Twilight, or dose thou just want thine old penis?" Luna asks me.
"Jeez Luna! What are you? Flankspeare? You've been here for like a year, speak proper!"
"Our apologies. Sorry, my apologies-"
"I mean the royal we is fine, it's even kinda a turn on, but I don't want to have to translate what you say on the opposite page."
She rolls her eyes at me. "Do you want Twilight back, or the penis that comes with getting her back?"
"I want Twilight back, I live with her rather than Fluttershy, who's the one I have the best sex with, so it should be obvious I'm not just in it for the sex," I respond, only slightly irate at how blind and stupid everypony but me is.
"'Tis a shame, as we had intended to cast Twilight's penis spell on you ourselves," Luna mocks.
"Oh, please go ahead and do that."
"Very well," Luna says before standing up from my bed and walking out of the door. I finish my tower and eventually wake up.
I get out of bed and almost fall down. Jeez! Were my balls always this heavy? I peek under my torso. Yep, they're all back to being huge, even a little bigger than they used to be. I pull the curtain aside and walk out. I see Rainbow Dash in a hospital bed on the other side of the room.
"Oh hai Rainbow Dash!" I say, channeling Tommy Wiseau. "Hey Bathspounge, what's up?"
"Twilight dumped me."
"Oh man, bummer."
"Yeah. Oh! Quick question: are you homeless?"
"No. You've been to my house. You banged me there in the last book."
"Oh yeah! I forgot about that."
"Don't feel bad, everyone forget about that chapter."
I shrug and leave the hospital, walking bow-legged to stop my balls from chafing against my thigh-fur. Seriously, was I this big before? I can't have been, Luna must have embellished me. As I enter the crisply cool Canterlot air, it's nighttime. I think I should still give Twilight some time, and I still have nopony else I know in this town, so I wander some more.
~~~
I don't know how I got here, but I'm happy-ish to be here. It's an orgy, at least. Everypony is wearing masks like its that sexy masquerade scene in Labyrinth.
SPONSOR!!!
Speaking of which, there's a MFFF foursome going on over there, that means that at least two more dudes could jump in without it getting weird or gay. Unless that's his harem. But why would you bring your harem to an orgy and only fuck them?
So I move in and start grinding against one of the mares who isn't immediately fucking the one guy. She grinds back against me, cuddling my sheath between her flanks and pushing one flank back against one ball each. She gyrates against me, her ample ass jiggling against my also soft and jiggly cock and making it grow harder, and also jiggle. A shot of cum shoots out of my cock and hits her upper back, splattering all the way up to her as well as the upper half of her back.
"Did you just cum?" she asks, reaching a hoof behind her to feel the wet spot.
"No. I just do that when I start getting excited, my real cumshot is much larger," I eagerly explain.
She spins around and looks me in the eyes. "Listen, I don't mean to be rude, but you're too much for me." She looks down at my cock and gasps. "Holy…" she trails off.
"And I'm not even hard!" I declare.
She looks like she just came. "I can't take that," she mumbles. "I don't think anypony can."
Are you sure? No size queens in here?" I ask, a little loud so nearby size queens will hear me. She nods and goes back to servicing the stallion she had been foursoming with. At the same time, I get a tap on the shoulder. I look over to see a tall, thin, and pale unicorn wearing a red plague-doctor's mask.
"How big are you?" she asks in a soft voice filled with the sound of heated lust.
"I'm not sure, but at least 4 feet," I whisper back.
She leans against me, clutching my chest. "Take… me…" she moans, her eyes fluttering into the tops of their sockets. She turns around on wobbly legs and bends down in front of me: putting her head almost on the ground and her ass up at penis-height. My penis throbs and another stream of cum coats her belly even whiter. I start sliding my semi's flare against her presented slit, mixing the semen dripping from my tip with the marecum flowing from her and smearing it all over my wide flare. High-pitched moans beckon me harder as she pushes her flank back against me, lodging just the flare inside her. The flare that's thicker that my hoof, and still getting thicker.
"Put it in me!" she moans, starting to gyrate her hips. The squeezing muscles of her vagina pull my cock farther into her, dragging me into the depths of her marehood. I am now fully erect. I can now tell I am about 5, maybe 6 feet long, and 8-inches thick. So the mystery is solved, Luna only tampered with my balls. As I begin to thrust into my partner, my balls start swinging back and forth, brushing against her lower thighs and they go forward, and brushing against mine as they go back. The cum inside them sloshes as they swing, waves crashing in the seas of cum inside me. I can tell they're filling up from the sound of cum pouring into them, churning inside me, starting to tingly as the sperm becomes more and more densely packed. They grow heavier as they fill, dragging my hips down and making me thrust at an odd angle. My partner seems to like it though, as she's moaning louder than ever.
Heads in the crowd start turning toward us. It shouldn't be unusual to see ponies having sex at an orgy, so seeing a stallion with balls each bigger than his head must be the shocking thing. Whispers of "oh Celestia", "how is he so big?", and "where is his mask?" abound. My balls keep packing full of cum, and soon it's too much for my legs to handle. I collapse, dragging the mare I'm fucking to the ground as well. Her mask pops off and I'm shocked to see that it's renown model Fleur de Lis. I lift myself up as far as I can and return to thrusting into Fleur, my balls dragging across the ground. My balls ache and audibly strain to contain their load. I go faster, my balls slapping against her ass whenever I bottom out, pushing her a little farther forward from the transferral of inertia. She pushes herself back whenever this happens, sliding up on my cock as I slide out of her, doubling the friction and keeping more of me inside her longer. I need to cum soon. If I don't, I might actually explode. Two mares bend down behind me and start to suckle my balls, alleviating the pain only slightly. But that removal of pain leaves way for more pleasure, enough to push me over the edge.
I start cunning and I just can't stop. Rope after rope of cum shoots out, not even waiting for the first to stop before the next starts: cum just shooting out of me in a constant, thick, and heavy flow. The cum just seconds before splashing around in my balls now splashes into Fleur's womb, her womb starting to inflate and round her out within seconds of me starting. Her moans become screams, drowning over all the other mares' ecstasy with her own. She throws her head back and yells at the ceiling, turning even more heads to our superior display. I buck my hips and the second wave starts: the shots now coming with a little space between them, but still just as fast as 128th notes. Each one is a few cups, splashing into the sea forming inside Fleur and making her swell farther. Her bulge grows farther, starting to show around the sides, pressed out by her weight on top of it. The pressure starts to leave my balls, which lets me enjoy this sex more, and therefore cum more. I wrap my arms around Fleur’s growing size and snuggle my face against her soft back fur with my soft face fur. Contentedly, I sigh as I pump Fleur full of seas of splashing semen. The amount of semen grows large enough to develop it’s own tides, surfs of sperm. The tide rises and spills from around my cock, unable to cork her after the pressure reaches high enough. The semen was forced to condense under the intense pressure inside my balls, but even after being released it was unable to expand far inside of her. However, as the semen pours from her it is given room to expand, rapidly becoming a fjorg of fuck-fluid. I stop cumming, for now. However you couldn’t tell that from the outside: the vaginall vacancies soon filled by undensifying cum. I stand up, and then take a few steps back to get my softening cock out of Fleur.
“I could keep going, but you look like you need a minute to recover from my awesome penis,” I tell her, “I’m gonna go clean myself up.” I look up and address the crowd, still in shock from watching the most spectacular sex ever. “And after that I will be ready for a round two with any number of mares and/or stallions, or anywhere between, actually. I love me some dickgirls, yo.”
I wonder off to find the bathrooms. In a hallway adjacent to the orgey-hall, I find a room marked “Powder Room.” Now powder rooms can mean one of two things, and given that we’re not on a ship, I know it’s the bathroom one. I walk in and realize that I was wrong about the sign’s meaning. I should have expected this. I’ve never done cocaine, but given yesterday’s events the validity of that statement can’t be determined.
“Hey man!” snaps a pony standing in the corner. “You’re the one that just fucked Fleur’s brains out, right?”
“I sure did!” I state proudly.
“Well she’s the host, so she said to give you any pick me up you need to keep going you need.”
“I’ll probably be fine. No need to break the law, yo.”
“Probably? Trust me, you really don’t want to be giving Fleur anything less than 100%.”
“Your argument is convincing.”
And then I fucked everyone and came so much they had to use the firehouse to clean it up. I assume. I kinda blacked out until I was laying on the floor of the real bathroom, which was next to the powder room, who knew?
“Bathspounge, Bathspounge, Bathspounge.” A voice says.
I look up, it’s Twilight! How long has she been there? How long have I been here? I ask myself, but decide to ask Twilight none of these and instead “how did you find me?”
“You told me. Listen, I’m from the future and-”
“Wait! You’re from the future, you should tell me how to get back with you.”
“I can’t do that Bathspounge, otherwise we could cause a paradox. But, for yourself, you need to get the Elements of Radness.”
“The Elements of Radness?” I ask. “Is that like the thing you and your friends do that saves the world?”
“Not at all, but you do need to get them. There are, as far as we, I, know, eleven of them.”
“And I need to collect these in order to get you to take me back?”
“No. Don’t do this for me, do this for yourself. Now I don’t have long, so listen fast. The elements are: Discipline, Love, Intelligence, Dedication, Passion, Compassion, Cumpassion, Faith, Ambition, Radness, and Badness,” Twilight barks. “Good luck, and I love you, even now,” she says, kissing me on the forehead before evaporating.
I awake to a gentle mouth suckling on my balls. I open my eyes and assess the asses immediately before me. I recognize at least one of them to belong to the sexual leviathan that is Fleur de Lis. The other is remarkably white, and quite shapely. Woah, are there three white horses all in the same bed? That's some major illumonopoly right there. I alert the two mares sucking my balls, one each, to my presence by returning the favor and giving Fleur a kiss on her vagina. I press my lips together around her budding clitoris, peaking out due to the low levels of arousal caused by tasting my balls. Now more cognizant my penis grows more erect, standing up from laying against my left thigh and flopping up and into the gap between the two mares, my girth stopping its descent at their cheekbones. This undoubtably alerts them to my waking, as sleeping people usually lack the capacity to cock-slap, unless they’re sleepwalking, but I am clearly not walking, I'm laying down, and sleeplayingdown isn't a real disease, it's how people normally sleep, Nathan. It's common knowledge that we all three know that the others are awake, but the two mares are torn between addressing my face and attending my balls.
In some sort of attempt at balance, Fleur turns her head to face me. "Goodmorning, stud," she says, nuzzling her cheek against the side of my shaft. "Did you sleep well?"
"Exceptionally so." I ungulate up and down on the bed. "Feather bed?"
"Yes, you seem to have quite the taste for finer living."
"More like I have quite a taste… for your vagina! HEY-O!"
…
"Anyway, who's your friend?"
"Oh, this is just somepony from the orgy last night, don't you remember her?"
"My brain has a hard time forming new memories when I'm aroused, because my dick calls dibs on its blood supply, HEY-O!"
The third pony slurps my balls loudly before rising up. "I'm Bathsheba, you?" she says casually, as if she had just walked into a bistro and asked the soup of the day, instead of the name of the stallion who had (assumably) fucked her silly all night. It's broccoli and cheese, by the way, Tuesday's regular.
"I'm Bathspounge," I say, taking in an eye-full of her. She is a beaut', pale white skin, flowing purple mane curling up like waves at the ends, big eyes, soft tongue: it's like looking in a mirror. I raise an eyebrow, this is odd, and we have similar names? Shit, this is rule sixty-three me? Isn't it?
"You got a long lost twin sister you know about?" she says, sliding up on my body, resting her head on my chest and wrapping her hooves around my sides.
"Nope. Never knew my dad, though, so you might be one of his," I reply, moving a hoof to the back of her head and stroking her mane.
"Well I know who my mom is, but my dad did have a first marriage, and they did have a son, but his name was Snowflake, and he died, so that can't be you, can it?" she says, flicking her tongue against my chest between words.
"It can!" I yell, shaking the bed, "I changed my name, and I was a sick kid, he probably thought I had died. Dude! You're my half-sister!"
"Kick ass!" she yells before high-hoofing me.
"You two seem shockingly okay with incest," Fleur comments from my crouch.
"Well my dad fucked me silly till high school," Bathsheba says at the same time I say "I fucked my mom until I was 16." Until we finish by saying "so I've got a predisposition to it," together. We stop, stare at eachother, and pause. Then, in unison a smile creeps over our faces. She throws herself at me, I catch her open mouth with mine and we start making out. Our tongue meet midway and intertwine and our lips slide over eachother, dripping salvia down from between us and wetting down the fur around our mouths. Her tongue and mine feel so right together, they naturally intertwine perfectly. We push against eachother and fight for dominance, but there is no winner, we are perfectly evenly matched in every way. Fluer takes my cock in her mouth and moves it up to the entrance to my sister's vagina before pushing it in. Her vagina is a lot like a water snake, you remember water snakes? They're those hallow tubes of gel contained within plastic. They were big in the late 90s and early 2000s. Her vagina is a lot like one of those. It's tight, but stretchy enough that it doesn't hurt me, and my dick is inside her so she's having a good time even if it hurts. Her vaginal skin is so soft, it reminds me of her mouth, all her skin, really. Her skin is really soft, like a lamb, or a filly, or the palms of someone who's never done physical labor. My penis easily slides into her, the walls just tight enough to firmly grasp my cock, holding every side of it with her slick, velvety vice.
I push my hips against my sister's body, my cock sliding deeper into her vagina, hitting the back wall and stretching it backwards into her torso. As she becomes too tight for my cock to continue sliding in comfortably, my continued thrusts begin to lift her off the bed, supporting her weight on my cock even as the gravity makes her slide farther down it. Her cervix struggles against the head of my cock as 3 more (that's half) feet of penis seek her interior.
Bathsheba breaks her kiss with me, strands of saliva flicking over my face as she arches her back away from me, moaning like I'm sure she did when dad fucked her. I love incest. As she pushes her vagina down on my cock, her cervix finally gives way, and my cock enters her vagina proper. Now I've fucked a lot of wombs in my day, and I can tell you the difference between a cervix-penetration virgin and somepony who's not a cervix-penetration virgin, and from the way Bathsheba screams and throws her face into my chest, I can tell that this is the first time.
"Guess I'm a little bigger than dad?" I say, bending my head down to whisper in her ear.
She nods fervently, the fur around her face matching the fur around her vagina in wetness, only because of tears instead of vaginal excretions.
Since she's given up on having sex with me, I pick up my thrusts and loosen up her womb with a few quick, precise thrusts. At long last I can fully penetrate her, and I do, a lot of times in a row. She bites my chest as her ovaries grind against my cockhead.
"Tell me if you want to slow down," I say, petting her mane as I get into a comfortable rhythm of thrusts.
Bathsheba smirks up at me. "What's wrong bro, don't think I can handle you? NYAA~! Keep going, you fag!"
I grin back and roll Bathsheba into her back, my balls shaking the bed as they hit the sheets. I pick up my speed, slamming my dick down her vagina like the butter churn of an Amish lady who needs a lot of butter quickly.
"Oh sis, I'm gonna cum."
"DO IT!" she yells back, locking eyes with me and not breaking her stare until I finish.
I explode inside her. Now my orgasms could be called explosive on a normal bases, they don't call me Bathsplouge for nothing. No pony calls me that, but they should, since I cum a lot and often. But anyway, filling my sister with cum: this was like a bottle of glue with no cap, or better yet a glue factory's nozzle, or better yet an oil-derelict on a planet where oil is glue. Bathsheba is inflated until almost all features have disappeared into a giant white ball, like that planet with the glue and oil, actually.
"Well then," I say, getting up and tucking my penis away, "I've got a great idea to go save my love life. I'll be back in 6 to 9 hours to introduce you to my marefriend, given how many rounds Twilight wants to do after we make up."
I walk the streets of Canterlot with newfound vigor, a great weight off my chest, and out of my balls as I seek Twilight.
•••
(Twilight's POV)
I'm sitting at my desk, taking a short break to eat some cheese-covered hay-fries.
Behind me the door slams open and somepony yells. "Twilight! I want you to know that I forgive you!"
I spin my chair around to see that it's exactly who I expect, Bathspounge. I smile at him and slurp down a fry hanging from my mouth, "I'm glad, it's been 2 days, I was scared for you."
"Oh don't worry Twilers, my mastery of words and sex led me to safety."
"See? You can have good sex without a huge hyper-penis," I say, standing up from my desk and walking over to him.
"Yeah right! I still have a hyper-penis, no thanks to you."
"Did you really get your penis magicked by somepony else?" I ask, craning my neck to see under his body, "You did. You went behind my back and got your penis magicked by somepony else. And they did a really bad job, hang on, let me fix it."
"Ah!" he yells, leaping through the air away from me, "You can't take it away from me now. Because you didn't cast this spell, it wouldn't be considered a continuation of the original spell that I was a willing recipient of. So doing it now, when I am not a willing recipient, would be magic aided assault, and that's a crime, Twilight."
"No, I'm not trying to shrink your penis, is just that whoever grew your penis had no idea what they were doing and hacked your pituitary gland and then restrained it, when they should have just used a growth spell. It doesn't even save any time or effort, it is just a strictly worse way of doing it, because it's super dangerous. Bathspounge, if your hormone balance is changed even slightly, it could cause you to enter a second puberty, which would probably kill you when it tries to grow your bones bigger than would fit inside your body."
"Twilight, the fuck are you on about?"
"I need to fix your penis or you'll die!"
"No! You just want me to have a nickel-dick so I have to come back to you! You can't monopolize my testicles!" He tries to run, but I catch him with my magic and spin him to face me.
"Okay, I understand why you wouldn't want me touching your penis again. I can leave that be… but if I promise to not touch it, can you please stay and talk with me?"
"Okay," he sighs, sagging in my grip.
I toss him onto the bed and lay down next to him. "So I think you were a little immature about the whole cock-shrinking thing, but other than that I think we made great progress last time."
"I'm sorry Twilight, but I will not allow penis smallering, only penis biggering."
How has he still learned nothing? He's still obsessed with his penis, but I suppose I can still make this work. "Okay, okay, I understand, big penises are fun. But, uhm…"
"If it's okay," he cuts me off, "I wrote you a short story in order to express my feelings on the situation, and show you how I feel about the situation."
My face lights up. He cares, but he's such a creative that he needs to express himself in prose, I knew I shouldn't have given up on him. "Oh course you can!" I reach out a hoof and take the paper he hands to me. I dig into the story with my eyes
/// Hyper-Ass Apocalypse Fire-Cum:
Sunshine beamed down on the river. Meanwhile, inside the sun, the two sun ambassadors from the sun council were discussing their relationship. "I am more efficient at shining light into space," said Solaris. "You love my corona, but you can't resist a proper sunrise." "I fucking love my solar eclipse," said Apolla. "Now, let's get you some orgasms, faggot." "You shouldn't say such things," says Solaris. Apolla rolls onto Solaris's back. (Solaris would slap Apolla if she weren't secretly enjoying her teasing.) Apolla gropes Solaris's ass. Apolla reaches down Solaris's body and gasps as she feels a second lick on her breasts. "Eep!" shrieked Apolla, jumping back. "What's the problem? I thought you like orgasms," Solaris says, approaching her sister, reaching out to grab her irremarkable ass.
"Awesomesauce. Now, faggot, how about them orgasms?" asked Apolla, the fire that burned hotter than the sun. (She was really horny.) "Would you please open your legs?" "Gladly." Apolla giggled as she spread her sun-legs, revealing her sun-vagina for the other sun girl to put her vagina against. Solaris grinds against her sister's sopping wet pussy, enjoying the boiling liquid precum permeating through her pussy. Apolla reached and massaged her sister's breasts. Solaris moans and presents her massive firejet boobs for her sister's suckling. Apolla flicks her firetongue down Solaris' body, dipping it into her nipple. Her blazing vagina clenching, shooting red-hot flame-cum into her sister's pussy. This makes Solaris cry and clench and thrust her boobs into Apolla's face. "I'm only a fraction of the possible heat you are going to be able to withstand," said Solaris sexily, which makes Apolla immediately ejaculate for fifty-seven minutes. As she lets loose a blazing current of girlcum, Solaris absorb the heat, gaining approximately twelve thousand times more breast-fire, engulfing the younger goddess and triggering a simultaneous double-supernova. Equestria explodes along with all planets. (Pluto is not spared.) Apolla continues to orgasm as her ass grows and nears the size of a sun. "Wow faggot, you fucking destroyed Jupiter, I was engaged with Jupiter," said Apolla, continuing to cum like an interplanetary fire hydrant. Solaris finally clenched and ejaculated, matching Apolla's orgasm and outdoing her in the aspect of volume, breastwise. "Alright, let's clean the messy galaxy with our legendary fire-cum!" declared Solaris before accelerating her growth enough to be larger than the outward reaches of the galaxy. All of the fire-cum tickled her breasts as her vagina fueled the raging apocalypse. Apolla gasped as her sister grew far far larger than her, before redoubling her own growth using Solaris's heat to fill her ass to overflowing the galaxy. With her first act as the apocalypse god complete, she turned to her sister and chuckled before spraying her flame in the never-ending entwined heat. "Solaris, what are we going to destroy next, you can pick," asked Apolla. "How about YOU
choose?" asks Solaris. "No, I insist." "The universe?" Solaris asks, charging her next apocalyptic orgasm. "Sounds hot, but can we really stop after that?" "Why of course not, my flame." Solaris explains that she and Apollo will burn everything in about six hours. "Sounds fun!" yells Apolla, "Now let's make some game out of it: I'm gonna race you to the end of this reality." "You're on!" responds Solaris, before puffing smoke from her nipples. And they did. ///
What the hell is this? Why would he do this? I can't believe this, I can't believe him. I take a moment to compose myself and get over my outrage before talking to him.
"Bathspounge. What are you doing? I give you nothing but forgiveness, and you remain self-centered and oversexed. I was telling myself that I could make this work, and that I could change you, but you're not worth it."
"Oh… Twilight, I-"
"I don't want to hear it. You've had too many chances already, and squandered all of them. Just leave."
"But Twilight, I love you," he sputters.
"I'm sure you think you love me, but you clearly care more about your penis than you could about anything or anypony else. Leave me alone."
