Research on the Occult doesn't stop when you are transported to a land of magic talking ponies. If anything, it's only just a bigger incentive. At least just to keep whatever non-existant sanity you have left.
Journal Entry #1
If you're reading this, HELP ME!
I have no idea how this happened, but I've been transported to a land of pastel colors and little horses. If I didn't know any better, I would have normally assumed this was a psychotic over reaction from a bad mushroom I might have eaten out of desperation. My memory, however, tells me it was my own stupidity and curiosity that brought me here. After Jackie Estacado (my employer and Don of the Franchetti crime family) disappeared, the Brotherhood staged a second raid at his penthouse through a portal that ripped open in the middle of the foyer. Jackie's goon squad was able to hold them off well enough (being a bit more prepared after the first attempt at a raid) and even used that portal to their advantage. To put it short, grenade went in, screams of horror and death came out. The portal remained though, and they requested that I find a way to shut it.
Well, I would have, but I wanted to know how the Brotherhood even managed to do something like this. Honestly, I should have focused more on finding a counter to it, but access to a portal was simply too sexy to pass up, and I've been on blue balls over anything new in the occult since Jackie fished me out from under the bridge. One thing led to another, a bright flash happens, and I end up on a grassy hill in the middle of god forsaken nowhere... with more vibrant colors than a little kids' show. Oh, and, I turned into one of those freaky colored horses. Screaming for three hours straight really did a number on my throat, too. Don't even ask how I was able to figure out how to write. I'll just take it as a sign that the universe doesn't COMPLETELY hate me.
I have decided to dedicate whatever little time I have of surviving this candy coated nightmare to studying any possible way of returning home and becoming human again... and studying any objects, locations, or beings that might pique this occultist's interest. For research purposes only, of course.
Once again, if you are reading this, for the love of god. HELP ME!
Oh boy, here we go. This is certainly something the Angelus would drool over. After spending some time in this world, keeping to the shadows, digging in trashcans for food, and stealing the odd book from the tree-house/library combo pack, I ended up discovering information on some rather powerful artifacts. That is, of course, the Elements of Harmony.
The Elements of Harmony are nothing short of the McGuffins to end all McGuffins. Six jewels designed to specifically fuck up evil forces with gusto, and fix what was set asunder. If reality had cheat codes, these fashion statements are the buttons to push. According to some books dedicated to this world's version of the occult, they were artifacts of unknown origin found by the Sun Goddess known as Princess Celetia and the Moon Goddess Princess Luna. Real original names, I know. Anyway, their first recorded use was against a being known as Discord, the God of Chaos itself. I originally believed this would be their version of The Darkness, but after what I saw days ago, I have a feeling the Darkness would have lost its mind a second time over if Discord stood in front of it. In the case of extreme good striking against extreme evil, it didn't obliterate that being on the spot as I would have normally assumed when first reading these texts. Instead, it sealed Discord in a stone prison. To be perfectly honest, I would have preferred total annihilation over eternal imprisonment in solid stone, just because I doubt I could hold in a piss for that long.
The second ever recorded use of the Elements was during a moment in history known as the Lunar Rebellion. A moment in which the moon butted co-ruler of this little girl playset became jealous of her sister's adoration, despite the fact that equines are normally diurnal and, ya know, need to fucking sleep during the night. It was at that time that she became the mother of all she-bitches, Nightmare Moon. Seriously, who came up with these names? In a desperate throw, Princess Celestia collected the elements once again, and banished her deranged loon of a sister to the moon for nearly a thousand years. I guess the artifacts felt that imprisonment by stone was too harsh, and opted for seclusion, oppressive silence, and suffocation due to the lack of atmosphere as a much kinder punishment. Upon her dear little sister's banishment, in order to keep the world from getting an everlasting case of frost bite, Celestia took hold of moon duties for the time being while her sister was in time out. I'm hard pressed to believe that those two actually have the power to raise the sun and moon, but after what I've seen, anything is possible at this point.
According to the books I could find, old Sunbutt stashed the gems away during the era after the Lunar Rebellion, with rumors and notes in the books claiming they went inert. I'm guessing she thought that, despite how useless they became then, they would still be rather dangerous if they fell into the wrong hands, or be eaten by whatever mythical creature that got a bit too curious. And for a thousand years, nothing major happened that required their intervention, which is so absurd on the coincidence-o-meter that I think it broke. Never the less, that wasn't the last time we ever got to see the Elements.
Fast forwarding to a few months before my arrival, apparently Nightmare Moon returned from her vacation on the great barren rock in the sky, and was understandably pissed. At the same time, Celestia mysteriously disappeared, and it was up to her protege and a band of merry mares to not only find the elements' hiding place, but also reactivate them and somehow save the world. All I managed to find out is that they succeeded, and were even able to remove the crazy from Moony. I'd have found more info about this, but the most I managed to scrounge up was a newspaper clipping of the moment in question, and even that seemed to be overshadowed by something called the Summer Sun Celebration (stroking your ego there a bit, Celestia?) and the return of the un-crazied relative diarch.
However, and that's a BIG however, the best info I could gather on the Elements at the time of writing this was what I witnessed not too long ago. Apparently, when the Elements went inert, it was likely that whatever imprisonment spell that was placed on Discord started to weaken, slowly but gradually. Upon his release, he decided to turn the world into his own personal funhouse. It made running and hiding a very traumatizing experience, especially for someone as twitchy, crazy, and paranoid as me. You don't know fear until you've had a lamp post bark at you and fling bees in your general direction. I'm still treating some of those stings. I was at least lucky enough to get my first real glimpse of the mad hatter that did this, whom promptly summoned a glass of chocolate milk, drank the glass, and tossed the still formed milk away to cause a fiery explosion of ice. Please don't ask me how that makes any sense. It was also my greatest privilege to see the Elements in action. Jesus fucking tap-dancing Christ. I didn't know rainbows could look so scary. Not only did the ground quake as if the world was going to split open after being fired, but a massive shockwave exploded from where the colorful beam of fucking love and joy hit Discord, reverting everything back to relative normalcy, and sealing him back to his prison of stone. If I had pants, they would be brown.
Never the less, as frightening as these pieces of bling are, they just might hold the key to my escape from this place, and perhaps return me to my normal human body. Maybe give me a million dollars as compensation, too. I'll keep an eye on them while I'm here for at least THAT possibility.
Mental Note, if the Angelus ever finds a way to this place, do NOT let that crazy bitch get her claws on the Elements. It'd probably spell doom for everyone, especially everyone with a dick.
I still can't entirely believe I haven't woken up from this pastel colored hallucination that the rational part of my brain is begging me desperately to accept. Denial has always been my best friend in these sorts of situations, but as of now it only seems like the friend that only claims it for the day before sticking a "kick me" sign to your back to sick every living soul on you. My research has been proven rather unfruitful at the moment, as the only viable option of my return home is well out of my reach. Not only that, but the local population in town is more skiddish than I am when surrounded by thugs that can easily turn me inside out, so I'm less inclined to brave the open streets for their help. Not that it seems like they could.
So, yeah, I'm not exactly a happy camper. Sticking to the outskirts of the town, rummaging through trash, and committing breaking and entering crimes to pillage a library for any basic knowledge has been putting me in a foul mood. Mostly because I've been doing more on my own now than I have been when I was back home. Home, either being in a box under a bridge, or inside a mansion that got routine "visits" by insane occult enthusiasts that probably nearly caused the end of the world on more than one occasion. Maybe I'm just out of practice, since I used to be the go getter when it came to the strange and unusual, and only now I'm realizing how shit out of luck I am. Maybe it's because the element of survival in an unknown land has been maliciously tossed upon my things to do now, also making me realize I'm so jolly well fucked. I could really go for drink right now.
I'll be fair though, I did try to get help. Well, not intentionally. One night, I found a little cottage next to the woods that had these ever so precious bird houses, dens, and a little garden tucked away from sight. It was about a week since I've eaten anything decent, and that place was the only thing close by. I decided it would be best if I take a look around. Sneaking in the darkness like the least coordinated quadruped I was, I made my way around the back of the house, using the dim light of the windows as a guide. Turns out the owner keeps chickens. It's funny really, having a chicken coupe right next to a dark forest of death. You'd think there would be a problem of missing hens, or worse. But hey, who am I to judge!? Chickens mean eggs, and I haven't had a good scrambled egg in a while. I was willing to risk rummaging through feathers and bird shit just to get a few of those precious white orbs! The birds weren't too happy of my presence though, but I was a man on a mission... or is it stallion?
My raid came to a screeching halt the moment I stepped out of the hen house to find that the moment I turned to leave, I was staring into the eyes of another pony. She (I assume, due to the high pitch) screamed in my face, which caused me to scream back at her (like the stallion I am), where she returned the gesture once again. I don't know what happened, but the next thing I knew, I woke up on a small couch with a blanket wrapped around my horsey body and the early morning sun peaking into the window behind me. It was a nice and cozy little moment, which probably would have lasted if my natural paranoia didn't kick in. For it was then that I realized I was in someone's house, and I had no idea how I got there. Waking up in a house with no recollection of getting there is a warrant for more than a few red flags so I did the most sensible thing I could think of. If I'm anything, I'm honest, and you'd be damned sure that I made for the nearest exit, and ran out of that place screaming like a little girl. But the worst part of it all? I forgot the EGGS!
Ever since that instance, I've noticed ponies being a little more attentive, and have been finding crude drawings of what looks like a pony version of me plastered throughout town like wanted posters. Maybe they just want to have tea and crumpets, and ask me a long list of questions, rather than do the obvious thing and lock me in a cell to rot until old age. I, however, have also kept myself focused, staying far into the shadows and making sure I only ever do any major moving around when it's pitch black out. But when you're a jittery, crazy, paranoid, schizophrenic, and jumpy person like me, you always tend to fuck up.
Here's hoping for the best. If I don't write past this journal entry, you'll know I've probably been caught and incarcerated. Or horribly maimed to death. If the latter, I curse the fate I tempted!
Despite the name, these little blue bastards are no joke. I don't know what sick, twisted, and horribly unfunny god managed to pull these out of nature's urethra, but I'm glad I read that bizarrely titled book "Super Naturals". According to the research provided, they are a type Toxicodendron, being a bit of a distant cousin of poison ivy. Unlike most of those types of plants, these sickos are entirely magical. Apparently, much like their relatives, touching them exposes you to skin irritation oil. Only difference here is you just need to take the word "irritation" in a more mental or emotional context, as its practical effect is less itchy and more sketchy. As in, the most pants shitting aspect about these plants is that they seem to have the power to warp a key physical or personality trait. The effect isn't immediate at least, BUT it doesn't always effect the spot where you touched it.
While skulking around the forest, trying to keep out of sight, I ended up witnessing a passerby succumb to poison joke. He was apparently on a camping trip, if the saddle pack and the makeshift fire pit was any indication. He wasn't entirely careful though, as he attempted to pull out a stump from the ground with his front legs, and ended up slipping and tumbling into the bush, right into a patch of the blue flowers. The effect wasn't immediate, I'll say that much, but when it did show up, it kinda left me somewhat confused. Their two front teeth grew to ungodly sizes right to the point that the poor bastard was forced to drag his head all the way home. He was in such misery that he'd even forgotten his wallet. Apparently the guy was named Buck Tree. I still don't get the joke. Never the less, after witnessing the incredible expanding jaw sideshow, I just kinda sat there, still having a tough time coming to terms with the fact that even plants are out to get you. I am getting there, but it is baby steps.
I was a bit curious though. After reading through the text on the plant itself, and the antidote mentioned, It said that it only affected magical creatures. I wasn't going to leave this alone, because I wanted to see for myself if non-magical entities really would be unaffected. After laying a trap and catching a rabbit, whom looked like he was about to deal a finishing right hook to my face with the way he looked at me, I tossed the critter into the same patch and waited. Sure enough, the rabbit just sat there, looked around for a little, even nibbled on one of the leaves, then gave me a nasty glare. It was at that time I decided it was time to run for the hills. I wasn't going to stick around to see how tough a rodent was in this topsy turvy place.
I'd have to run a few more experiments on the plant to figure out how welly and truly fucked I am in this world, but only after I get some actual equipment to handle the stuff. That is to say I will come back to this, as it does genuinely interest me, aside from making me more afraid of the innocent facade this place seems to have. In the meantime, I'll just stay far, FAR away from any bright blue plants I see. I'm not in the mood to grow and extra head that spouts nonsense into my ear. I'd like to keep that shit internal, thank you very much.
So, after a lot (and I do mean a lot) of creeping around the shade at night, stealing usable garbage, and living either in the forest or under the bridge, all while trying to find a way out of this pastel nightmare, I've finally been caught. Allow me to explain exactly what happened, despite the fact that no one in their right mind would read this nonsense unless they are ACTUALLY mentally ill... like me.
Honestly, I should have seen it coming. Remember that little cottage that sat beside the forest of doom? The one with the chicken coup I failed to raid? Yeah, apparently she's been keeping an eye out for me, and has seen me on more than one occasion when I made my nightly runs. I had a feeling I was being watched, but then again, I've always had that feeling, and this time I was fucking right. Of course I had to ignore it when I needed the most, but that's how bloody cliches operate.
To make a long story short, they've watched me enough to figure out where to wait for me. I should NOT have trusted that cupcake that was just sitting on the table on it's own. But, ya know, starvation can really addle the mind. Before I even had a chance to snatch the pastry and make a run for it, I was suddenly caught in an aura of light-ish red. I was later told the correct color term is "light brilliant raspberry", but I'm no artist or fashion designer, damnit! The captor in question was named Twilight Sparkle and she, and her other five friends, including that yellow pegasus with the pink mane, had alot of questions for me.
Who am I? Where did I come from? Why are you running around town stealing things? Did you know stealing garbage is considered creepy and disgusting? The usual shtick, really. I was VERY reluctant at first, especially with the living gay pride flag badgering me the way she did. It took an orange, normal looking pony to ground the aggressive cyan equine. Honestly, it was rather satisfying to watch, what with the hard tug on the tail, before a nice and heavy thud. Not enough for her to see stars, sadly.
So yeah, they grilled me for information, and eventually I finally explained my situation. They were rather shocked to learn I wasn't from this world, and even more shocked I've been here for a while now. Then Twilight noticed I had a book with me, snatched it, and quickly realized I've been not only chronicling my time here, but I've also been busy with what little research I managed to do. Then, I saw her eyes pretty much match the namesake of her surname, before being bombarded with even more questions. Mostly along the lines of if I was a researcher where I came from, and if I was an intellectual like her.
Well, I did clarify it was EXTRAORDINARILY rude to just take my only belonging like she just did (which they later pointed out I wasn't innocent of either), and that I actually had a tough time believing this place from the get go. With that said, I did see some crazier, much more VIOLENT shit in my time on the field. So, yes, I did tell her I was an occultist, a paranormal researcher, and a psudo-therapist and chronicler for someone I both wanted to see again and NEVER wanted to see again.
More questions came quickly after that, but I backed them off by saying I was tired, starving, and I just REALLY needed a break from the madness. Twilight was kind enough to offer me lodging in the spare room she had and told her assistant, Spike, to fix up something for me to eat. I'll have to remind myself to thank the little dragon for the meal one day, and grill him for information about his kind. I mean, when am I EVER going to get the chance to talk to an actual DRAGON in my lifetime? Might as well take the opportunity while I'm still in this horrible place.
Twilight had also agreed on giving me full access to her library for research purposes, so that seems like a plus. Really, despite the cupcake being a lie and the sudden capture, things went better than I thought. At least I'm not outside anymore. I should also probably go take that shower now, like that purple and white unicorn suggested. Despite how mildly unpleasant I smell, I'm just surprised I don't smell like total horseshit.
Ok, so, I have just been informed by Sparkly Ass that she sent a letter to her monarch, Princess Celestia, informing her about my presence! SERIOUSLY?! You couldn't keep that hush-hush for a little longer? I've JUST settled down, and now I'm given just one more thing to dread. I'm an illegal ALIEN from another goddamned dimension that has a REAL bad case of various mental problems INCLUDING paranoia. Who knows what the fuck this princess will do to me! Will I be interrogated? Tortured? Will they use me in experiments they don't want to do on actual citizens? WILL I BE EXECUTED FOR JUST BEING HERE? Will they take kindly to the fact that, being formerly human and all, I'm more of a carnivore than herbivore? That last one is probably a big fat NO!
So, as of writing this, I've already locked myself up in my room, and hid under the bed. As if that would stop them from coming to get me, but it's the FEELING of security that counts right now. I can hear Twilight beating on the door, trying to get me to come out to talk about this, but I've told her she lost her privilege of friendly chat the moment she started writing that letter. Yeah, she's been apologizing profusely, and had not only stated that she thought it was the right thing to do, but also that the princess might be able to help, but that's not worrying me right now!
From what I've read and heard, Celestia is pretty much a goddess, if that can be believed, and if I haven't stated that already in a previous entry. I'm still hard pressed to believe it, but with everything that has been going on lately, I have been a little more inclined to change my mind on the matter. Suppose she is pretty much a divine entity? Fine, but that raises a new concern. What if she's like that stuck up, violent as all hell, wrathful, vengeful, awful BITCH, the Angelus!? I have been lucky enough that I've NEVER needed to deal with that (only having to deal with Jackie and the super powered opposite called the Darkness, whom is JUST as crazy, violent, wrathful, and awful) and I was wanting to keep that unknown for a little longer.
I heard something touch down on the ground outside, and hear lots of heavy hoof-falls, voices, and metal clacking against each other. I DARE not take a peek lest I be seen. I can hear Twilight actually go outside. Oh dear god, they are entering the library! THEY ARE COMING UP THE STAIRS!
Oh, PLEASE GOD, or ANYONE THAT HEARS MY THOUGHTS AND INTERNAL SCREAMING, SAVE ME BEFORE THEY BEAT DOWN THA
So... uh... something strange happened... Just before they were able to beat down the door, a flash of light enveloped me and I wound up outside, still huddled close to the ground as if I were still under the bed. Before me was Princess Celestia herself. I could barely even squeak in surprise, but she just kinda stood there, giving me this warm smile... It kinda reminded me of my own mother. Then she told me it was all going to be ok, and she just had a few questions for me.
What she wanted to ask was surprisingly tame. My name, where I came from, if i'm hurt, and if I intend to hurt anyone. I told her my name, that I was from a different dimension and I got here by accident, that I'm a little starved but alright, and I'm FAR too weak and skittish to WANT to be confrontational with anyone. I mean, I wrestle with the thoughts in my head as it is, and that's more than enough for me to take on.
She then gave me another smile, told me I was welcome to Equestria, and told me that if I ever need anything, just ask. Also, apparently, she will do everything in her power to send me back home when she can, so that's rather uplifting. After Twilight and the guards that had come to get me realized I wasn't in my room anymore, they rushed back down the library and back outside to find me at Celestia's hooves. The guards were ready to jump me, but she halted them, saying everything that happened today wasn't necessary.
If the Angelus were like that, I'd have a TOTALLY different respect for it rather than the crippling, pants browning fear I normally do.
Anyway, she also told me that If I wish to continue to conduct my research outside of the town, all I'd need to do is ask Twilight to send a letter, and a chariot would be sent to me. Honestly, this whole thing kinda feels like being back with Jackie... except, ya know, alot more hospitable, and no one is looking at you like you're some sort of sideshow.
After she finished assessing the situation, she and her guards took off once again, leaving me behind with Twilight. I told Twilight that I do NOT want to talk to for for a little while, and I'd be going back to my room now to be alone.
So, here I am, back in my room, writing all of what just happened to me no more than ten minutes ago, an honorary guest and officially welcomed to their land, and I have another chance at getting home. In the meantime, I have the world at my beck and call, and more than enough time to conduct more research. I mean, hey, a world filled with magic and potentially magical and powerful artifacts, and I have the keys to basically go wherever and do whatever. What occultist can pass that up?
