The Sneezies
A normal day outside in the meadows next to Ponyville is naturally peaceful, especially when the sun shines bright in the depth of Spring. The gentle buzz of lulling hummingbirds fill the air as rabbits search for leaves to eat. A cool breeze pulls through the flowers and trees, carrying a peculiar sound of that of a springing bounce and the terrified screams of grass being crushed under the pink hooves of a helplessly oblivious pony.
Pinkie Pie is following one of her normal daily routines she has in the Spring, which consists of laughing and exploring the outskirts of the town for the thousandth time for any new, interesting things that most likely don’t exist. Today was different though, Pinkie found a wild patch of flowers not too far from Everfree Forest that were definitely not there when she passed by last week. At first she could’ve sworn it was Poison Joke, but there was something off about it. Curious, Pinkie bounced on over to it to check it out. As with Poison Joke, the flowers were frilly and and clustered, but these flowers had a purple hue to them and were generally smaller.
There weren’t too many of these strange flowers, roughly 30 or so, so Pinkie assumed it was safe enough to get close. As she approached with each bounce, she noticed intricate pink patterns along the purple petals. Pinkie stopped and stared at these strange flowers. They were appearing far less like Poison Joke now than before.
It then dawned on Pinkie that these flowers probably weren’t even dangerous at all. She burst into full laughter for not having realized that sooner. In her fit of laughter Pinkie fell over into the bush of purple flowers. That didn’t stop her though, because she figured if it was Poison Joke she could just get Zecora to cure it. While in the flowers though, Pinkie figured she didn’t have much to lose, so she decided to enjoy them. Pinkie loved the way the flowers felt on her pink coat. Pinkie thought for a moment, hesitated, then bit right into one of the flowers. It was very bitter and it stung her tongue. Pinkie quickly spit it out on the ground and burst into coughing, all the while holding back a yell. In a fit of coughs Pinkie stumbled out of the patch of flowers, her nose quite vibrantly stinging and itching at the same time.
Pinkie could feel a sneeze coming up. She tried to suppress it at first, but it quickly overpowered her will. Within seconds Pinkie let out a massive sneeze that echoed throughout the trees. Her nose still stung greatly but she felt better for the moment. Having enough exploration for the day Pinkie bounced back to town, forgetting about the purple flowers.
Pinkie’s day continued as normal, and she gave a friendly “hello” to everypony she passed on her way back into town. Pinkie hoped to spend time with her Dashie later, but first she wanted to pass by town square and say “hi” to Applejack, maybe stop by Rarity’s afterwards. Pinkie made a change to her plans though the moment she felt it again. She felt another sneeze. Pinkie was only 20 feet or so away from the town square and could literally see Applejack at her stand. She knew sneezing that loud again here would cause a bad public disturbance.
Seeing a nearby barrel, Pinkie pulled the top off and threw her head into it. Thankfully for Pinkie the barrel was empty. Unable to hold it back any longer, Pinkie released a monstrous sneeze that nearly broke the barrel. Pinkie waited for a few seconds then glanced around. A few ponies were looking at her, notably an annoyed looking stallion that started to make his way over to her. Assuming that the barrel was his, and as Pinkie didn’t want any trouble, she quickly sprinted away. Pinkie ran to the one place where everything had a solution and problems weren’t really problems—Twilight’s Library. If anypony could help her right now besides Zecora, it was Twilight. And the latter of the two was far more accessible during this time of need.
Pinkie reached Twilight’s house and frantically knocked on the door. Pinkie was more than a little surprised that Twilight answered the door of her own house, instead of Spike who usually does it. “Pinkie! What’s the matter? You look panicked,” Twilight asked.
“Well of course I’m panicked because there were these purple flowers and pink patterns and they were bitter and they made my nose sting and now I need your help!” Pinkie managed to ramble out in three seconds. “I have this weirdest sneezing thing that I feel will be a problem and we need to find Zecora to cure this Poison Joke and I’m really scared and—” Twilight put a hoof over Pinkie’s mouth to stop her.
“Why don’t you come inside and I’ll see if I can figure out what’s wrong.” Twilight invited Pinkie into her library.
“But I just told you what’s wrong!” Pinkie yelled, “I’m having a sneezing problem!”
“A sneezing problem?” Twilight asked.
“Yes! A sneezing problem!” Pinkie pushed past Twilight into the library. Pinkie then leaned right up next to Twilight and dropped her voice low. “I’m having a serious case of the sneezies!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Okay, why don’t you sit down.” Twilight shut the door. “Would you like something to drink?”
As Pinkie sat she giggled and looked up at Twilight. “Do you have any coffee?”
Twilight glanced at the already jittery pink party pony. “Err, no. And I don’t think you’d need any.” Twilight winced.
Pinkie laughed, “I was joking silly, don’t worry about it.”
“So Pinkie,” Twilight started, “what exactly is the problem?” Twilight took a seat across from Pinkie.
“Well I found these funny purple flowers that looked a lot like Poison Joke, except they were purple and funny,” Pinkie explained, “They were funny because they were purple.”
“What’s wrong with something being purple?” Twilight asked as she looked down at her lavender coat.
“Oh, nothing. It was funny because Poison Joke should be blue and it looked super duper out of place,” Pinkie giggled, “So of course I did what anypony else would have done. I jumped into the flowers and rolled around.”
“You what?!” Twilight yelled.
Pinkie cowered a little, “Well, it was more like I fell into them…”
Just then Pinkie started to feel it again. She could tell this one was going to be big. There was no stopping it at this point. “Twilight! Save yourself!” Pinkie threw her face into one of the pillows next to her and let it go. With a loud sneeze and poof the pillow blew up. Feathers scattered all over the room with no remains of the pillow itself.
Twilight still sat in shock of the large explosion. “Well, now I see your problem,” Twilight acknowledged, “So you want me to see if I can make it stop somehow?”
“Exactly.” Pinkie said as she pulled feathers from her mane.
“Well we should probably go find Zecora then. I hope she doesn’t mind that we go to her usually when we have a problem—”
“What!? Already again!?” Pinkie cut Twilight off.
“I’m sorry, what?” Twilight asked. “Do you not want to go to Zeco—”
“No! It’s that I… I—” Pinkie let out a thunderous sneeze throwing her out of her chair, as well as throwing the chair to the ground. “I had to sneeze again so soon. That’s what I was talking about,” Pinkie laughed.
“Oh my Pinkie,” Twilight pointed out, “It looks like it’s getting worse. We should head out right now.”
“Are you sure she’ll fix this? I mean, we don’t even know if it’s Poison Joke or not.”
“There’s only one way to find out,” Twilight said.
Twilight pushed the door open and nodded for Pinkie to follow. But right as they got outside it happened again. This time it was louder and with less warning. Pinkie sneezed with a loud boom that knocked the library sign down.
“Pinkie…” Twilight started, “Maybe you should stay here and I’ll go get Zecora.” Twilight set the sign back upright. “It’d probably be better that way.”
“Oh… Well if you say so,” Pinkie said, “But are you sure it’s okay if I stay here alone while you’re gone?” she asked.
“Sure, I won’t be gone too long,” Twilight said. She turned and trotted off towards Everfree Forest. “Just try not to destroy the place!” she yelled back to Pinkie.
“Okay, okay. That’s simple enough, don’t destroy the place Pinkie,” Pinkie said to herself.
She walked back into the library and turned to shut the door. Before she could touch the door though Pinkie sneezed forcefully and the door slammed shut. A small crack in the door frame at the top was now visible, but Pinkie was unsure if it was there before. “Okay Pinkie, how can I not destroy anything while not doing nothing?” Pinkie asked herself. “Well, maybe a drink will help with my sneezies,” she answered herself as she made her way to the kitchen.
This might not have been the best idea for Pinkie at this point, because moments after grabbing a glass, she felt it again. Before Pinkie could move anywhere she sneezed loudly, and all the glasses on the shelf in front of her shattered or broke. Glass was now everywhere on the table and floor. Panicked, Pinkie knew Twilight would be furious, but the least she could do was clean up all the broken glass on the ground.
Pinkie grabbed a small dustpan from the cabinet and brushed all the glass shards into a neat pile. She was still thirsty though, so she decided to just take a sip directly from the faucet. As Pinkie did so though, she sneezed again, painfully slamming her head into the faucet, which then broke and water started to shoot out everywhere.
The water sprayed all over Pinkie and the walls of the kitchen. Already soaked, Pinkie attempted to fix the faucet to no avail, more or less from lack of knowledge on how. If only there was a way to learn how to do something quickly that she had easy access to at that moment. Like a book on kitchen related maintenance. “Where could I find a book like that?” Pinkie thought aloud, passively ignoring the puddle forming around her hooves. “Oh! I know! I’m in a library!” Pinkie exclaimed, “I can look up where to find a kitchen maintenance book in one of Twilight’s books!”
Before heading over to the books, Pinkie glanced back at the ever spreading spray of water erupting from the broken faucet. She had an idea, she started to make her way upstairs to look for a towel of some sorts to slow the spray of water. Right as Pinkie reached the top step she painfully sneezed and flew back a few feet.
And down a whole flight of stairs.
It took Pinkie a few moments to get back to her hooves, thankfully she wasn’t severely injured, but she did feel weak. Learning from mistakes, Pinkie made her way up the stairs backwards just in case. Even after she reached the top she kept walking backwards until she bumped into the first thing she found. Pinkie glanced over to see Twilight’s bed, and with that her bed sheets and blanket. As good as anything, Pinkie grabbed the sheets and blanket and nearly jumped back downstairs and rushed to the sink.
Pinkie stuffed the blanket and sheets into the sink to slow the flow of water, which had already completely covered the kitchen floor and was starting to make its way into the main room. She had to move fast.
Pinkie ran over to the bookshelves to find a book on where to find a book on kitchen maintenance. At least that seemed to her the best plan of action at the time. After some time Pinkie found a book that appeared to have some apparent use, Kisun’s Book Manuel, which was located after a ragged, worn book called Kissing 101 with Twilight’s name apparently written on the spine, and before a book called Kitchen Etiquette: Utility and Maintenance. Grabbing the book manuel, Pinkie went and took a seat and opened the index, all the while helplessly oblivient to the water which has reached over a fair third of the main room.
Before Pinkie could even read one sentence in the book she sneezed, with almost no warning at this point. The book was in her hooves seconds ago was no longer there, it evaporated, and in turn paper rained all over the place. All she had left was the hardback cover of the book.
Pinkie, now reaching the brink of having a panic attack, saw the new danger of the invading water. The glass shards from before had been picked up by the flow and spread all over the place, with shards of glass now evenly dispersed throughout the kitchen and half the main room. Where there was water there was glass.
Pinkie was now panicking. “Twilight where are you!” she screamed aloud. “Please get back here and fix this mess! I don’t care how mad you are!” Pinkie pleaded with herself.
At this point the water and glass had roughly blocked Pinkie in, the stairs and front door were blocked from her. In a last ditch effort Pinkie scrambled up the bookcase, climbing to reach safety. Yet Pinkie forgot the biggest danger here was herself. She sneezed while clinging onto the shelf, the force pulled Pinkie down the floor, with almost all of the books on the shelf as well. Book after book fell and hit Pinkie, until one finally hit her right on the head and knocked her out under a pile of books on a layer of water.
* * *
Twilight was making her way through Everfree Forest towards Zecora’s house when it hit her. She left the normally hyperactive, uncontrollable Pinkie Pie at her house alone while she was having a physical issue that caused her to be more destructive. If Twilight had any luck at all, she’d be happy to see her library still standing when she returned. But maybe she was just overreacting, and maybe Pinkie hadn’t cause any trouble at all.
She pushed that thought to the back of her mind as she saw Zecora’s place in the distance and picked up her pace. Twilight knocked on the door as she mentally prepared for the impressive improv rhyming she was about to hear, as she always did when talking to Zecora.
“Twilight! What brings you here today?” Zecora asked as she answered the door, “Come in, have a drink and stay!”
“Thank you Zecora, but I actually need your help with something,” Twilight said.
“What is it that has you dismayed? I’m sure that I can be of aid,” Zecora said.
“Well have you ever heard of a purple hued Poison Joke? Pinkie Pie ran into some and instead of the normal joking effect, now she can’t stop sneezing. And the sneezing is dangerous, that’s why she isn’t here right now,” Twilight added.
“I have not seen one, in stores or in wagons,” Zecora started, “But I do know it was meant for dragons.”
“Dragons, I see… Do you happen to know anything else about this flower?” Twilight asked.
“Sadly, I do not know more about Dragon Joke. But maybe one does to whom you have not yet spoke,” Zecora rhymed.
“Who I have not yet spoke…” Twilight repeated, “what does that mean?”
“There is one whom you could speak, who has claws but has not beak.”
“I’m still not getting it.”
Zecora deadpanned. “Your pet dragon,” Zecora said, completely aware that she didn’t rhyme the sentence.
“Spike?! You think he would know the solution here?” Twilight asked, surprised.
“He may know more than you think. Maybe he’s the missing link.” Zecora said as she winked at Twilight.
“Okay, thank you for all of that Zecora, at least I know where to find help now.” Twilight said as she headed out on her way back to Ponyville. She knew exactly where to head to find Spike, he’d been out at Rarity’s again.
* * *
Twilight rushed back into Ponyville and made her way towards Carousel Boutique. She rounded a corner, and not 10 feet from the door, Spike was walking out waving back to Rarity. Twilight neared crashed into Spike but instead landed on the ground next to him.
“Twilight?! What are you doing here?” Spike asked. He clearly was surprised to see Twilight running around here, literally.
“Spike! Do you know anything of Dragon’s Joke?!” Twilight asked in a panic as she stumbled up off the ground.
“What’s going on? Are you okay?” Spike replied.
“Dragon’s Joke! What do you know of it?” Twilight yelled.
“Dragon’s Joke?” Spike asked. Twilight was visibly getting annoyed at Spike’s questions and lack of answers.
“Yes! A small, purple flower that looks like Poison Joke, but it’s, you know, purple,” Twilight managed to explain.
“Yeah, I’ve heard of it. Of course I’ve heard of it. Why wouldn’t I?”
“What do you mean? What do you know about it?!” Twilight said as she started pushing Spike back to the library.
“I’m a dragon, what makes you think I wouldn’t know about it?” Spike picked up his pace so Twilight wouldn’t be pushing him.
“Enough asking questions!” Twilight yelled, “Just answer mine! This is no situation to Joke around, Pinkie Pie needs help and who knows what she could have to my precious library as well.” Twilight picked up Spike in her magic and threw him on her back. She broke into a sprint back to the library. “Spike?! What do you know?”
“Well,” Spike started cautiously, “Dragon’s Joke was a flower created by a powerful wizard many years back when dragon’s were still mighty and plentiful. It was a Poison Joke flower that was modified under the magic of the wizard, changed to be of great affect on dragons. It would have a bizarre effect on the infected that was different for everyone, but could only be cured by one thing most dragons were incapable of, unless in dire situations. The cure was to do something extremely good for someone else, and then and only then would the problem cease. As many dragons were infected, some learned to be nice, whereas some never were cured. But seeing this is Pinkie Pie we’re talking about, it shouldn’t be too hard, right?” Spike looked up to see the library in the distance.
As Twilight approached she began to panic when she saw water and what appeared to be glass shards coming from under the front door. She pushed through the door to see the mess of her house. Water rushed past her hooves in the doorway flooding the soft earth outside. “Pinkie! What have you done!” Twilight yelled, to no response. “Pinkie! Where are you?” she said.
Twilight looked around her house, everything was affected in one way or another. A good half of the books had fallen out of their shelves on the walls, the bottom step of the staircase looked damaged. Chairs were knocked over, and Twilight’s bed sheets were soaked on the floor of the kitchen. There was a loud hissing sound coming from the somewhere in the kitchen. On top of all this almost the entire floor was covered in one or so inches of water that was filled with many glass shards everywhere, which was slowly draining outside the open door.
The worst part of all of this though, even with the hiss from the kitchen, was the eerie silence filling the rest of the library. Not a single sign of the pink pony.
“She couldn’t have left,” Twilight said to Spike, “The door was closed and that was a lot of water built up.”
Twilight proceeded into the library with extreme caution not to step on glass. The water sloshed against her hooves with each step. “Pinkie? Are you okay?” Twilight called out.
“Twilight, what happened here? Was this all because of Pinkie?” Spike asked.
“I hope not,” she replied as she slowly walked towards the kitchen, “she apparently has a sneezing problem from Dragon’s Joke.”
“But how would that cause such a mess like this?”
“I wish I knew Spike. Hopefully Pinkie’s okay,” Twilight assured.
A glance in the kitchen explained what the hissing was, as well as explaining why the library was filled with water. “Pinkie, can you hear us?” Twilight yelled.
No response.
Twilight made her way over to the bookshelves, see behind a fallen chair there was a large pile of books. Almost every book on that shelf was missing spare a few big books wedged on the shelf. Next to the fallen chair was a floating ruined book with every page missing, the title almost illegible, smudged over from the water, except for the word Manuel.
Twilight’s horn lit up and slowly pushed through the pile of books. She then saw it, a pink hoof sticking through some books.
In a frenzy Twilight started throwing books off Pinkie across the room. Her books meant nothing to her compared to a friend.
Revealing Pinkie lying in the books Twilight quickly lifted her and righted a chair with her magic. She sat Pinkie down and tried waking her. Spike rushed over, his hard scales proving him durable against the glass shards. “Pinkie…” Twilight gently called, “Pinkie can you hear me?”
Pinkie looked horrible. Half of her crazy, fluffy mane had been soaked in water, now laying out straight, while the other half was still fluffy. She had a large bruise on her forehead and small cuts across her hooves, potentially from the glass shards. She was slowly coming to.
“Twi… Twilight?” Pinkie whispered.
“Pinkie! Are you okay?” Twilight replied.
“I’ve been worse,” she winced, “Are you mad at me?”
“Mad? For what?”
“For destroying your library, your own house is in ruins,” Pinkie said.
“Pinkie, yes I am upset, but I care more how this all happened. All you could’ve done was sneeze, right?” Twilight explained.
“Well, what happened was I was thirsty…” Pinkie hesitated weirdly for a moment, then forcefully sneezed, breaking the chair down and falling into the water beneath her.
“Okay, I think I could probably figure out,” Twilight said, “But at least we know how to fix you!”
“You do?! Where’s Zecora?” Pinkie asked.
“She’s back at her place.”
“But you said we? Do we go to Zecora’s—”
“Spike and I,” Twilight said, “Spike is the one who knows about it.”
“Yeah,” Spike added, “It’s called Dragon’s Joke, an altered version of Poison Joke. All you need to do is do something extremely nice for somepony.”
Pinkie’s other half of hair deflated at that. “How am I supposed to do that? I’ve just nearly destroyed this library. In this state, I’ll be lucky if I can even do something kinda nice for somepony…” Pinkie sneezed again, sliding her back through the glassy water a few feet into the pile of fallen books. They all winced at the sound of glass crunching behind her.
“Pinkie, we can help you do something nice,” Twilight said.
“No! I’ll just end up hurting you.” Pinkie rose to her hooves. “Let me do this on my own.” Pinkie stifled a moan as she took a step.
“You need help!” Twilight yelled at her.
“I do not! I can do this.” She sneezed forcefully, completely blowing out the window next to her. Pinkie winced. “I’ll be the most helpfullest, most nicest pony ever!” Pinkie broke to a sprint out the door.
The moment she stepped out of Twilight’s library all of her muscles froze on her and she fell to her stomach. A blue glow started to emerge from her chest and spread across her body.
“Pinkie!” Twilight yelled, she teleported outside next to Pinkie, only to see a blue, transparent glow spread across her coat.
Once Pinkie was completely covered, the glow became glossy and shimmered, disappearing moments afterwards. Pinkie lay on the moist ground exhausted. “What just happened?” she asked.
Spike piped up from in the library still, his voice filled with excitement, “Wow, that’s it already? What a relief!”
Twilight asked, “Spike, what are you on about?”
“The cure! She did something nice to have the problem removed,” he said.
“What did I do that was nice?” Pinkie asked.
There was a moment of silence until Twilight gasped loudly. “My house! The library!”
“Yeah, I saw it was pretty bad,” Spike started, “But that shouldn’t take us too long to—”
“No no no, my house! Pinkie left the library and she was cured!” Twilight explained, “The nice thing she did was leave the library to prevent more potential damage to my rather abused books.”
“No more sneezies?!” Pinkie yelled.
“No more sneezies Pinkie,” Twilight replied. Spike giggled at the name.
“Say Pinkie, while you’re already at it, would you be willing to do even more good?” Twilight asked.
“What do you have in mind Twilight?”
“Well I know this library that could really use some cleaning and repairs…” Twilight offered.
“Twilight, I really would, but I’m in no shape to be doing something like that right now. I think I should head down to Fluttershy’s, she’s good at helping fix up injured animals. And I have a few cuts and bruises that she could help me with.” Pinkie explained.
“You make a good point,” Twilight said, “I’m at least going to need a place to stay at tonight though...”
“Well Twilight,” Pinkie said, “I guess after what I’ve done, I really have to let you stay the night at my house. Just promise you’ll try not to destroy anything.” Pinkie and Spike burst into laughter. Even Twilight giggled at that.
“I’ll try Pinkie. I’ll try.”