A changeling disguises himself as Princess Celestia, then spends the entire day doing nothing.
Princess Celestia goes off on a diplomatic trip to the Griffin kingdom for the day, leaving Luna in charge. Meanwhile, Shadow Shell is sick of the usual shit. Find pony, knock them out, disguise as them, aimlessly roam around Canterlot looking for food, rinse and repeat.
Today, though, Princess Celestia is off to stop a war or something, the perfect opportunity for Shadow to finally have some fun in this boring-ass town. It's a fool proof, step by step plan:
1) Sneak into castle 2)Disguise as Celestia 3)Do absolutely nothing for an entire day 4) Leg it
Fuck this. No, seriously, this is it, this is my nightmare. Shadow Shell let out an annoyed sigh and replied to the stupid mare in front of him, “Yeah, listen, I don't really like you. So would you kindly stop talking to me?” The mare's face twisted into a mortified expression.
“Luna's sake, Flowers, you're the one who said we should meet here to eat!”
Shadow looked around at all the pompous, arrogant ponies around him in the cafe, eating annoyingly small cakes and discussing stupid pompous pony stuff. Like bits. They were probably talking about selling orphans for bits. Yeah, ponies are awful creatures.
Normally Shadow would be doing everything in his power to keep up his identity, but today he was just feeling out of it. He was finding it harder and harder to motivate himself when all he did was do the same thing over and over again.
“If I'd known you were so uncouth, I'd have never befriended you!” The mare spat indignantly.
The changeling now known as “Flowers” shrugged his shoulders. “And normally I'd care, but I don't tonight. Don't blame yourself, though, I really should be more motivated. Look, here's-” Shadow dug into the purse he'd kindly stolen from the real Flowers, “Look, here's... ten bits. Go buy yourself, I don't know, a candy bar or something.”
The mare huffed angrily and started off before turning back and sweeping the bits off the table and into her purse, glaring at Shadow while she took his money. The bell above the door gave a merry jingle, signaling the mare's exit.
“Bitch.” Shadow muttered, leaning back in the seat and gazing around the upper class diner. He needed to find some love, something that was hard to do while living comfortably. Most of the ponies in Canterlot had risen to their plush status through deceit and trickery, leaving them disliked by many.
And Shadow wasn't going to settle until he was living both comfortably, and well fed. He sighed again, this time in longing, and gazed out of the window next to him. He absentmindedly stared at the ponies as they passed. Slowly, his gaze was drawn up over the rooftops of the city proper.
Then, he saw it. The solution to all his problems. The answer to all his seemingly impossible questions. The Castle of the Royal Sisters. He stared at it for a moment. Just one lowly maid in that place could get tons of love! His mouth watered at the thought. He could sleep in a guest room without other knowing. This is going to fucking happen.
“Princess Celestia's out on a diplomatic mission to quell those brutish griffins.” Shadow then had a grand idea! Shadow turned towards the mare a table across from him, who was chatting with another. He quickly jumped up and grabbed the mare by the shoulders. “Is she gone yet!?” He hollered into her face.
“N-No!” She shrieked in fear and confusion, her friend staring at Shadow with open mouth horror. Then he dropped the mare to the floor and galloped out the door, steamrolling an incoming customer into the bushes nearby.
<....>
The solar guard stood tall and proud, his golden armor gleaming brightly in the setting sun. His face was stoic, and his sword lay in wait within his sheath.
Nothing would get past him, nothing coul- Oh sweet merciful Maker! A light yellow unicorn sauntered up the cobblestone road to the gate next to the guard, swaying her behind side to side and giving him a sultry look.
“You know...” She started, eyeing him up and down and leaning in close to the quivering guard, “I just love a stallion in armor. I'm getting in there, Shadow thought, shooting a glance up at the castle.
I'm getting in there, the guard thought, shooting a glance down at her flank. “How about you and I take a little stroll, and have some fun.” The guard's eyes widened as she started to saunter into the bushes by the gate. The guard nearly pranced to them, this was the first time he'd ever had sex!
Once in the bushes, she proceeded to beat him unconscious with a sock full of bits. On the bright side, she didn't rob him blind... although he might be blind now.
Shadow shrugged her shoulders and in a blaze of green fire, became the young, horny, and possibly blind guard. She slipped his armor off and strapped it to her body. This is really easy. This is just, Babytown Frolics.
Time to go live the equestrian dream.
<....>
After searching for a bit and consulting the guard's superior, then beating him up and dragging him into a broom closet, Shadow finally found where Celestia was preparing to leave. Surprisingly, there were no guards in front of her quarters.
Shadow halted just in front of her door. This was it. Now or never. He took a deep breath, and cracked the door open. She was rooting through a chest, her back to him, and he stared at her abnormally large ass; his mouth watering just at the thought of all the cake she must have stored somewhere.
He took in every detail he could see past her, just monstrous behind. Suddenly, he saw her head rise over that absolutely gargantuan ass, and he quickly ducked back out into the hallway. He bolted down the hallway as fast as he could, grinning manically all the way.
Meanwhile, Dust Mop, a quiet mare from up north, gently rolled a cleaning cart out of a room and into the hallway. Then it was slammed against the wall as a cackling guard galloped past, knocking her over. She huddled in a ball and began to weep.
Shadow bolted into a random room in the hallway, and slammed the door shut. He stood against the door, panting and grinning at the absurdity of what was happening. He looked to his right and saw a young janitor looking at him cautiously.
They stared at each other before Shadow suddenly transformed into Celestia with a bout of green flame. The two continued to stare at each other.
“So you're a-”
“Changeling, yep.”
“And now you're-”
“Celestia, yeah.”
“What are you going to do now?”
“Abso-fucking-lutely nothing. I'm going to sit around on my huge, medicine ball sized ass, and eat nothing but cake.”
The janitor looked at him suspiciously.
“Well... okay.”
Shadow moved away from the door as he stared at the janitor in a mixture of awe and confusion. The janitor calmly stepped out into the hallway, and proceeded on his way.
Shadow shut the door with a click, and devised his plan:
1. Do nothing
Plan complete. Let's get this show on the road.
<....>
Princess Celestia exited her room slowly, her suitcase floating behind her. As she made her way down the red carpeted hall, she came upon a weeping mare in the fetal position. She gazed down at her in concern, then saw a young janitor trotting by.
"Excuse me, sir?" The janitor turned around, but instead of bowing, he merely regarded her neutrally, something that was rare among her ponies. "Did you happen to see a guard run through here, possibly laughing like a crazed horse and frightening young mares into a comatose state?"
The janitor thought about it for a moment, before shaking his head. "Can't say I have, ma'am. Although to be fair, Equestria's full of ponies like that."
Celestia chuckled lightly, enjoying the casualness between her and the janitor. Meanwhile, the mare continued to shake and mumble at her hooves. "Indeed, it does have a few." She gazed curiously at him. He was so unlike any other ponies she'd met. Most groveled at her hooves, but this one seemed... almost apathetic. It made her hot. "What is your name?"
"Shop Vac."
"Well, Shop Vac..." She began, if you ever want to... hang out, or whatever it is you kids do these days, meet me here when I get back:" She reached into the satanic hell pocket that all ponies possesses, and pulled out a dainty card. She levitated it to him before giving him a small smile and starting off.
She then remembered that there was a traumatized mare at her hooves, and quickly levitated her onto her back before starting off again. I'm so exited to finally talk to a pony who I can hold a conversation with without them bowing down! She let out a girlish "squee" and trotted in place, bouncing the mare on her back right off her back. Luckily, Celestia caught the mare before she hit the ground and resumed walking, albeit, with a blush.
Meanwhile, Shop Vac stared at the card. It was a ticket to a fancy diner. One so fancy, that the only pony that ever ate there was Celestia. He stared at it for a moment before shrugging and slipping it into his demonic pocket. I'll think about it.
Celestia's room was great. Really, it was. It didn't just have a comfy looking bed and a door that locks, but it also had a dumbwaiter, a huge bathroom - which makes sense given how fascinatingly humongous she is - a balcony, and a walk in closet. Next to the dumbwaiter was a speaker type thing that was really just a pipe running from the room to the kitchen that you spoke through.
One would think that changelings would disguise as her more often, but really the only plus side to it would be controlling the country, and no changeling could pull that off because Celestia never leaves because she doesn't have a life outside of being a ruler. And a changeling doesn't acquire the magical prowess of a unicorn, so it's not like a changeling disguised as her could raise the sun. Really, it'd like a midget on stilts trying to win a jumping contest. It just wouldn't work. Shadow had snagged the golden opportunity, and he planned to live it up.
Had someone peeked into the room, they would've seen Celestia take a few steps back and gallop forward and leap upon her bed before bouncing off with a yelp and collapsing in a heap beside it. Shadow sprang up, glancing at the bed before slowly getting into it. His eyes widened, "Chrysalis' crippling cooch, that's comfy!" He shouted, snuggling deep into the sheets.
Compared to the shitty conditions of the hive, this place was heaven. Public executions every Monday and constant starvation didn't look too good compared to endless love and a comfy bed. Yeah, I could stay here forever. Maybe just... hide in her closet or something when she comes back. It was an entertaining thought, but it would never work, and so he lay there for a few moments longer, then dragged himself out of the bed.
He stood there beside the bed for a few more moments, his mind blank. He could literally do almost anything he wanted, and he didn't know what he wanted to do. He could control the entire country, he could start a war, kill millions, he could order the entire country to not get out of bed, he could ban marshmallows. "I'm hungry." The next biggest questions was: what did he want? Cake. He craved cake.
He glanced at the dumbwaiter, then shook his head. He was supposed to be gone doing political shit. He'd have to be sneaky.
<....>
Being a changeling, Shadow Shell knew how to sneak. Unfortunately, he did not know how to sneak on marble floors. He quickly learned that hooves on marble resulted in a very un-sneaky environment. He hurriedly ducked into a small closet and grimaced. There was no way he'd reach the kitchen without anypony... noticing...
One set of socks from Celestia's room and a cardboard box from the closet later, Shadow was ready to begin the hunt. He'd cut a small rectangle in the box allowing him to see out of it, and the socks silenced any noise. The halls were clear, and the night had almost fallen. The castle proper was empty of guests, and the only threats were maids and patrolling guards. And Luna, Celestia's mysterious sister.
Rumors were floating around the dignitaries" she's a demon, that she eats children, she watches you have wet dreams and then wakes you up before you climax, truly awful things. It was all fake, of course, seeing as how during the changeling invasion, he'd seen Luna passed out on the couch in her room with a couple empty bottles of jack laying beside her. Now, if hypothetically somepony were able to read his mind and see his thoughts, they'd wonder: "Why didn't he kill the princess or something equally changeling like?" Well hypothetical reader, it's because Shadow Shell's an incompetent prick, who'd rather search her room for the rest of her jack than take over a nation.
On the subject of Shadow Shell, he was currently crawling through the halls of the castle under a cardboard box. The socks muffled his hooves perfectly, making into a large, cardboard shadow. It was kind of awkward to move, however, seeing as how he had legs for days and the neck of a giraffe. This resulted in a position where his barrel was nearly sliding along the marble, and his legs angled upward above his body, then bent at the joint to reach the floor, effectively fitting the six foot horse into a cardboard box. Effectively being used loosely, as every time he took a step, the box would bounce, resulting in a bouncing, shuddering cardboard box.
So far, the Quest for Cake had been a success, but then again, he'd only just left the room, and there was still time for God, life's asshole dungeon master, to throw a Tarrasque at him. In his younger years, he'd been prone to beating the shit out of a high school student, then playing Dungeons and Dragons with his friends. Over time, he and the student started a kind of relationship, where they would switch off on who got to go play. Then the kid went to college to study cryptozoology. Then he got killed and eaten by an Owlbear. At least he died doing what he loved, kind of.
While he was thinking about dead kids, a night guard rounded the corner of the hallway. Shadow froze in the center of the hall. The guard trotted up, curiously, and gazed at the box illuminated in the moonlight before seeing a pair of unblinking, bright pink eyes staring at him from within. He began to grow uneasy as the eyes seemed to pierce his very soul. He began to whine and scoot around the box, the eyes following him until he was behind. He began to trot off, feeling relieved at being able to get away from that terrifying cardboard box, when he heard a noise. He slowly turned around to see the box had turned, and the eyes were watching him. Judging him. Scheming.
Tears began to well in his eyes as he stared at those merciless eyes from within the depths of that Celestia cursed cardboard box. Finally, he broke down, wailing and holding his head in his hooves. He fell to the floor and curled into the fetal position, sobbing. The box wordlessly turned and bounced away. The fuck was that guy's problem?
<....>
Princess Luna, ruler of the night, strolled through the halls of the castle, basking in the moonlight that shone through the windows. She had a big day tomorrow, what with her sister being away to quell the brewing war. How she loved her night. The night was always so calm. Too dark to wage war, a time for rest and peace. A time to look back on the day and reflect. Then she heard the wracking sobs.
She quickly galloped through the maze of halls until she reached the source. One of her night guard was huddled in a ball, sobbing. She knelt by his side, checking him for wounds. "Young guard, what hath happened to you?"
"D...The Devil! It's here... By the Maker, it's here!" He screamed hysterically, sobbing harder.
Luna's eyes widened. A demon? A chance to prove myself worthy in combat! "You will tell me where it went, now!" She screamed, slamming a hoof beside the guard's head.
"The kitchen!" He screamed, burying his head into his hooves and sobbing uncontrollably before losing control of his bladder and pissing onto the marble.
Meanwhile, Luna took off towards the kitchen, a maniac grin donning her face. "I'm coming for you, demon!"
<....>
Target spotted, moving in to engage. The box was thrown off and Shadow emerged in all of Celestia's glory. A cake was laid out on one of the many chrome tables. He started for it, his mouth watering, when he heard a shout from just down the hall, "I'm coming for you, demon!"
Oh shit! much speed and very little grace, Shadow dove behind one of the chrome tables as the door to the kitchen burst open. It was silent for a moment, and Shadow dared a peek from around the table. It's Luna... She was staring at the abandoned cardboard box. "Come out and fight me so that I may slay you, demon!" She shouted, levitating a long knife off of a table. She looked towards Shadow's table just as he tucked back down.
Can't fight a god, gotta get the hell out! He quickly crawled from table to table as Luna scanned the room with a predatory gaze. "I know you're in here..." She muttered, her hooves clomping loudly on the floor. She was pacing down the rows of tables now, just on the other side of Shadow. He quickly scrambled away from her and hid behind a table further away just as she looked over the table. She glared at the spot Shadow had been in before snorting and continuing on her way. Shadow leaned forward to move, which caused a precariously balanced ladle to fall from the table and clatter onto the floor.
Luna's head shot up. "Come out foul beast, and your death shall be swift and brutal!" She shouted as Shadow crawled down the isle. Luna then jumped up on top of the table and scanned the room. Shadow knew that he was running out of places to run to, he had to hide somewhere.
Then, he saw it. A small cupboard just big enough to fit him and his new planetary sized ass. He quickly scrambled into it and attempted to shut the door, but it was jammed. He looked up and saw Luna face at the end of the isle, piercing his gaze. "You dare posses my sister!? I am sorry, sister, but the only way to stop you is to dismember you! Forgive me!" She screamed without any trace of remorse as she charged towards shadow horn first, letting out a strange animal like shriek. Shadow just sat there staring at her reflection in the chrome plated table as Luna charged down the isle and slammed into the equally chrome plated table, impaling it with her horn and knocking her out.
Shadow continued to stare at the reflection of her limp body before sticking his head out of the cupboard and staring at her actual limp body. Then he crawled out, grabbed the cake, and ran. He ran, grinning through the halls with the cake in his grasp. He'd done it. He'd survived the confrontation with the insane goddess! He felt like he could take on the world. Then he tripped over the sobbing guard from earlier. The cake hit a window, which shattered, then soared off into the night sky.
Shadow stared at the window for a moment as he lay on the floor next to the guard who was beginning to recover from his ordeal. "P-Princess Cel-Celestia?" He asked in awe, his voice quivering from all the crying.
"I fucking hate you," Shadow said to him, his voice seething. Shadow slowly, lest he lose control and fling the guard out the window, started back to Celestia's room.
The shit I let other people get away with. He thought as the guard let out an anguished wail and began to sob again in the puddle of his own urine.
Princess Luna groaned groggily, her eyes fluttering open. "What hap- OW!" She shrieked as she attempted to lift her head, and ended up tugging her horn. "What?" She mumbled, her eyes crossing and following her horn until it reached... Oh... OH! That blasted demon!
Luna tugged her horn from the chrome table and triumphantly staggered to her hooves. "Fear not, sister!" She called out, "I am coming to end your eternal misery! I shall slay the demon inside you! Which will also kill you, but fear not, I'm sure you'll get a nice spot in paradise!" She levitated a large knife from a rack. "Probably."
With that, Luna set off on her adventure in demons slaying. After walking a ways through the darkened castle she came across the guard, still weeping in his now cold puddle of urine. "Guard!" she shouted, waving the knife in front of his muzzle, "Where hast my sister ventured? I must slay her!"
The guard looked up with puffy, blue eyes. "She... She..." he broke off, chocking back a sob.
"She what!? Tell me now!"
"She said she fucking hated me!" He cried before devolving into tears once more.
"Hmm, yes, that does seem out of character for her. She usually says that kind of thing about you behind your back. Truly this is a vile, evil demon." She then flipped the knife into the air and caught it with her magic, "Luna the Demon Destroyer is coming for you!" She hollered before leaping over the guard and galloping towards her sister's room.
The guard lay, sniffling as Luna's hoofsteps slowly faded. He gave a little sniffle before whimpering to himself, "All I want to do is beat people up and maybe fuck Celestia. Now she's a demon, and Luna's Luna." He slowly dragged himself out of his own piss and began to meander down the hall. Maybe I can get Princess Twilight.
<....>
Shadow Shell lay slumbering in Celestia's almost over-sized bed. As it turns out, the princess snores. A lot. This is why when Luna began to pound the door down, Shadow was a bit slow to awaken. Celestia's snores are equivalent to a goddess angrily trying to smash a door down.
Luckily for Shadow, a particularly loud smash shook him from his sweet dreams of a multi-race harem. His sleep addled mind took charge as the door continued to rattle. With a groan of frustration, fear, and fatigue, he rolled out of the bed, hit the floor, then rolled back under the bed.
Not seconds after he finished, the door flew from its hinges from a shockingly hard kick. The door flew over the bed and smashed through a far window before sailing off into the night. The door then burst through the wall of a warehouse where a high tension drug deal was taking place. The explosion of a door rocketing through the wall caused them to panic and slaughter each other before fleeing. A nearby pony overheard the commotion and found ten dead ponies and a suitcase containing 2 million bits. This pony would then go on to be hunted by a hired blade sociopath. But that's a different, much better story.
At this moment, though, Shadow was cowering under Celestia's bed as Princess Luna stormed through the shattered door frame. "Your security spell could not keep Us out, Tia! Fear not, We have brought with Us a demon slaying instrument!" A butcher knife flew into the air before flipping about. "Kind of."
Shadow whimpered softly as Luna stomped over to the bed, her hooves stopping inches from Shadow's muzzle. There was a moment of silence before, "We see thy imprint on the memory foam, Tia! Thine fat posterior reveals you, just like in hide and seek! Except this time, We will cut your limbs off and free your soul!"
Holy hives, this lady's apeshit!
Luna scanned the room for any signs of her demon sister. Then, she saw it: the bathroom. "THINE LIMBS BELONG TO US, SISTER!" She screamed as she slammed head first into the door and steamrolled into the room, swinging the knife wildly.
Shadow furiously scrambled out from under the bed, screaming silently as he barreled out the door and down the hall.
Luna poked her head out of the demolished bathroom, bits of plaster and dust coating her coat as the tail of her sister disappeared down the hall. "We did not know thine body could fit under such cramped spaces, dearest demon!" She hollered after Shadow as he galloped down the marble halls.
Luckily for Shadow, Celestia's long legs were able to carry him faster than Luna. This isn't factoring in fear of dismemberment, because if you add that to the equation then it just makes him OP. All I want Shadow thought to himself as he frantically galloped away from the psychotic demon slayer, is to sleep in a nice bed and eat cake. Is that really too much to ask for? He took a sharp turn and ended up sliding past it and into a conveniently placed red stool which sent him tumbling into a small storage closet.
Once Shadow had cleared his head, he saw the janitor from before, Shop Vac, sitting on the floor with a bottle of Valium. "Hey man, I need you to do me a solid, okay?" Shadow asked the janitor, "Princess Luna's about to come tearing down here and when she does, I want you to distract her so that I can beat her ass with this broom," he said while grabbing a broom, "okay?"
The janitor nodded, "Sure thing, man."
Shadow grinned, "Sweet. You keep doing that Valium, now, cause you're a lot nicer to talk to than most ponies." Shop Vac was about to reply when they heard the raving of a crazed goddess. "Okay, go distract her!" he urged, shoving the drugged up janitor into the hall.
Princess Luna skidded past an out of place red stool and to a halt just inches from the stoic janitor. Before she could demand information on her possessed sister, the janitor lifted a bottle of pills to her face. "Hey, man, want some Valium?
Luna's face scrunched up in bewilderment, "Why dost thou have Valium, what are thou even - CRACK! - Excuse Us a moment." Luna turned and faced a terrified Celestia holding a now broken broom stick. "What made thou think that would work?"
"Fuck you!" He quickly and fearfully blurted out as he sped down the hall, Luna hot on his heels and fueled with rage. The two continued on for some time, hurling insults at each other and attempting to murder each other as they sped through the empty halls of Canterlot Castle.
<...>
The once proud and noble solar guard dragged himself through the empty halls of Canterlot Castle. "Help me! Oh Celestia help me! I can't see! Why are these halls empty, there's supposed to be patrols everywhere!" After bumping into several tables and losing several pints of blood, the guard finally heard hoof falls nearing him. "Oh, please! Help me!" He felt himself get picked up in a warm magical aura as the user ran past. "Please help me! A changeling beat me blind and is inside the castle!"
"Oh shit," the guard heard Princess Celestia say, "Can't have that."
"Thank you! He's probably - Oh God!" he screamed as he was thrown out the nearest window.
"Can't have any witnesses."
"You foul beast! We shall slay thee with great enthusiasm!" he heard Luna roar behind him.
Shit, I should've thrown him at her, that'd been hilarious. He was quickly snapped out of his daydream when the thunder of Luna's hooves grew closer. This is it. I'm going to die here, surrounded by shit I can't enjoy. I hate my life. Just as he began to accept the fact that his life was going to end at the blade of a mad goddess, the janitor leaped onto her back and stabbed her in the neck with a syringe.
Luna shouted in anger and surprise as she shook the janitor off. She pulled the syringe from her neck and looked at it, then at the janitor. "What's in this?"
"Heroin."
"What the fuck is wrong with you ponies!?" She bellowed before pausing. Her face slowly slipped into dopey bliss and she fell to the floor.
Shadow Shell stood a short distance away, panting hard. "Thanks man, I really... owe..." He was left speechless as the janitor injected the rest of the heroin into himself before slumping against Luna and falling asleep. "Okay well... I'm just... gonna go," he said before bolting down the hall.
And that's how Princess Luna became a heroin addict.
<...>
To an outside viewer, the sight of Princess Celestia hiding behind her throne and weeping in fright and hunger would've been a horrifying and depressing sight. To Shadow Shell, though, this reaction was completely justified. It had been an insane demon hunting, drug abuse, cake-less, chase filled night at Canterlot Castle. Shadow, not having had a full night's rest, sobbed until he curled up and fell asleep behind the throne.
Meanwhile, elsewhere in the castle, Princess Luna, ruler of the night, was being awoken to a spear prodding her side and a commanding voice saying, "Get up, junkie."
"Oh...Oh gods kill Us," she groaned. "We're going to throw up. We're hot and cold at the same time and we itch all over!"
"Yeah, well save it, Junkie, I'm taking you in."
"Wha- taking Us in? We are Princess Luna! Ruler of the night! Master of -" Luna stopped as the two stared at each other for a moment and then Luna turned and threw up onto the hall floor, "Master of the moon," she moaned before collapsing into the vomit puddle.
The guard shook his head disapprovingly. "Fucking junkies."
