Guilty conscience
Dear Princess
A silence pervaded all of ponyville, it wasn't that nopony was allowed to talk. Nopony had anything to really talk about, what an irony compared to my day yesterday. A gorgeous and cloudless day, an amazing book, and a visit from... her. No, I couldn't think of her right then, it was too painful.
My eyes snapped up to a coffin laying on a makeshift metal table, a sheet covering everything but the top of it. "Let us begin by bowing our heads, and honoring her memory." My head bent slightly and behind my closed lids she was still flying. Her cheerful smile like she had on yesterday when she flew away. She didn't seem hurt, if only I had known in time to stop it, if only I hadn't been so tired. I don't even deserve to be called her friend, how can I possibly study friendship if I can't even figure out what my friends are really feeling.
"Sugar cube, are you ok?" A familiar voice came from behind me, slightly rough at the moment, but sweet all the same.
I simply nodded as my friend continued her careless flight in my mind. She was always there for us, no matter what happened. Always eager and hyper, it grated my nerves on the rare occasion, but even so. Nopony deserved this fate, to feel that much pain, to be driven to the brink, let alone by one of her best friends. Why didn't she talk to me, or anypony else, why, for once, couldn't she be less rash...
"Twilight my dear, they are starting the speeches," a sincere voice came from beside me. A quick glance over confirmed it belonged to Rarity. My attention turned towards the coffin, but nopony was standing there, nopony had much to say.
My hooves seemed to move of their own accord as they carried me towards the open coffin. I closed my eyes as i passed it and stood to face the crowd, yet I couldn't forget what she looked like now. The large red abrasions around her neck and jaw, with similar marks on her wings to keep them from stopping herself. My eyes opened and I glanced down for a second at the blue pegasus, her rainbow mane in pristine condition. That wasn't how Dash would have wanted it, my hoof reached down softly as i ruffled her neat hair slightly. A small smile came to my face as I remembered that same hair the first time she had crashed into me, almost two years ago.
I jerked my head up, avoiding the morbid sight to face the crowd. Their eyes piercing me, they deserved to know the truth, but it would only hurt them more than if they didn't. My horn glowed as my left saddle bag gently opened and a piece of paper floated out of it. I began to read from the note, "Dear all of my friends, thank you. Thank you all for always being there, thanks to you Pinkie. You always threw the best parties, I'm sorry I can't attend the next one. Rarity, you're so generous, making those dresses for us, even though we weren't always the best of friends, I wish you luck on everything." The note went on to say something about everypony she knew well. But it didn't say anything about why she would do this to herself. My horn stopped glowing as the piece of paper was levitated next to Dash and put down gently.
I didn't have anything to say, so instead my hooves carried me back to the crowd. The ground underneath them moist from the tears falling from many ponies' eyes. The old priest pony approached the coffin and asked us all, "does anypony else have anything to say?"
There was absolute silence, except for the occasional sniffle of somepony's nose, a soft thud was heard as the coffin was closed fully. But it sounded like a strike of thunder to me, nopony dared to move as we each thought about exactly what this would mean. Fluttershy was the first to begin to walk away from the site, depression hung over us all as we each began to disperse.
My mind flashed back to yesterday evening, I had decided to visit her. But when I opened the door-- I was brought back to reality as somepony put her hoof on my shoulder.
"Don't worry Twi, we'll all get through this, we just have to keep smiling and laughing." A bouncy voice stated, but my keen ears heard the sadness within. The pain that must have been coursing through her at this moment, but I didn't feel anything.
My heart was beating Mightily, almost as if to tell me, you're still here, and Dash wouldn't want you to waste your own life in depression. I knew it was true, wasting my life would be an insult to her memory, but I had to think. My hooves kept moving towards the large tree library that I call home. The bouncy pink earth pony left behind without acknowledgement, an act that would normally hurt her, but I assume she knew I had to have some time to think.
I barely registered it as a voice came down to me from my little purple dragon assistant. The door shutting magically behind me as I traveled up the stairs. My mind seemed to be skipping scenes, because I don't remember finishing walking up the stairs or closing the door. I just remember being on my bed, my mind finally being able to wander to all the most dangerous thoughts, the worst memories.
Dash's door had opened effortlessly, and there, hanging by a brown rope, was the rainbow maned pegasus. A discarded chair in the corner, the wood splintered as it had impacted the wall from when Dash had kicked it away. I remember me working frantically to sever the rope in my panic and finally reaching forwards with my hoof. I already knew in my mind that she was gone, but I couldn't help but have this small tinge of hope. My hoof withdrew from a vain as my eyes spotted a small white note on the table nearby, addressed to myself and my friends. To my friends, I love you all, I love you so much I would do anything. But when something hurts this much, when your dreams and heart is crushed, you can't live anymore. Not when it hurts more to live a single minute than a hundred crashes, not when there is this cloud hanging over me that I can't buck away. Not anymore, Twilight-- the memory ended as I broke into large sobs, I could never forgive myself, it was my fault. I had made a huge mistake, and now I had to pay for it, I should have seen this coming.
All I could feel was the soreness from the tears falling from my eyes, the tightness of my throat.. A dull throbbing inside of me that I felt with each heart beat. Why did I have to just say no, if I hadn't been so tired, I would have been nicer. I could have prevented this, but I didn't do anything and now Dash is dead.
But the worst truth I have come to realize is this, her death was absolutely unnecessary, I didn't even think about what she had said before giving my reply. I'm thinking about the question now, and I realize if I ever had the chance to give another answer, I would have said yes.
How can I possibly the royal protege if I can't even answer a question correctly, if I can't put my thoughts into words. My thoughts continued to drift in this direction before I began to go into a strange and uncomfortable sleep. I had a dream, one more vivid than I have ever had, I dreamed Dash was still alive, she hadn't done it, and she was just sitting on my stairs, reading her book. Her smile as pronounced as ever, her eyes going from line to line as was usual for her, "why are you crying Twilight?" She asked me, "don't cry for me, I forgive you and know what I did was wrong. I should never have written that letter, I now figured it out, I wasted my own life. I regret it, but we can't do anything now, you, however, need to keep living."
I woke up that morning, fresh tears on my bed, that same dull throbbing in my chest. I knew it was impossible, but it seemed like that had been the real Dash, almost as if she was talking to me from beyond. I tried to move my hooves to get out of my bed and carry on like dream Dash had wanted. But I couldn't my legs were filled with lead, my eyelids heavy, even after the nights sleep. They seemed even harder to keep open than when I had gone to bed. I laid there, my throat tightening randomly as a squeak came from me.
The pounding downstairs went unanswered as I stayed in bed, before the door downstairs smashed open. What seemed like a stampede came into the library and rushed up my stairs. Hesitantly I opened my eyes to find my friends looking at me. Fluttershy held out her hoof and grabbed my own, pulling me onto my feet, her eyes strong like when she had faced down that dragon.
"Twilight, you have every reason to be depressed about this, but you cannot stay in bed for this long, you have to move on." Fluttershy said, the others nodding in silent agreement. Their eyes all slightly bloodshot and gleaming from the moisture that they still had left.
"Your right," I replied, but they were actually wrong. I can't move on from this, it's too painful. The rest of the day was uneventful, we had our regular pet playdate, minus one. All over Ponyville, everypony was doing their normal routine, but everypony's thoughts were on the clouds that were floating across the sky, the clouds that weren't supposed to be there. The five new pegasi that were trying to wrangle for control, while one could do it better than they ever could.
That night I returned, still tired to the library, and I began to write this letter. I figure that my friends need to know exactly what happened, I admit it, I am directly responsible for Rainbow Dash committing suicide. She said she loved me, and I was tired and afraid, so I rejected her feelings towards me. I didn't even think about it, the biggest mistake in my entire life. Princess Celestia, I ask you to summon me and my friends and have them each read this letter.
I want you all to know, you were all my very best friends, but I cannot live with this pain, I know Rainbow Dash wouldn't have approved of this, but she can yell at me all she wants when I see her.
Love,
Twilight Sparkle.
Celestia concluded reading the letter as each of the five ponies assembled in front of her looked at each other.
They each began to look down and said nothing before Fluttershy spoke up. "Twilight... was found hanging herself this morning, yet everything in this letter... it's all a lie. Rainbow Dash never committed suicide, as you can see right here, and she never told Twilight she loved her."
Rainbow Dash stepped forward, a steady stream of tears falling from her eyes, "the Twilight I know, she'd never do that to herself over a nightmare. Something is very wrong here, but I'm not sure if I want to find out what it is."
Princess Celestia began to chime in, "indeed, by all means, Twilight Sparkle should have awoken when the nightmare got that bad, there's only one thing I know of that could cause that much pain."