It’s Sunday and the skies are gloomy. It was gloomy yesterday too, as was the day before. Every day is gloomy now; there’s no speedy pegasus pony to clear away the clouds. No beautiful rainbow to cut through the oppressive grey that rests above our town. It just sits there, an all-encompassing presence reflecting the mood we all share and reminding us of your absence. I don’t know if its existence is to have fun at our expense or to express this burden of pain we all feel, but either way I don’t care; I just want it to go away.
The Mayor has yet to assign a new weather pony. I think she has refrained from it out of respect. Surprising really, considering how much trouble you have created for her in the past; with the damage caused by failed tricks and putting off cloud-clearing to the last minute, you’d think she’d be happy you’re gone and that she can hire someone who does their job on time, every time. But I think she’s hurting just as much as the rest of us. And even if nothing else in this whole world mattered to her except finding the perfect replacement, she knows she never could. She knows, just like I do – there’ll never be another pegasus as fast as you. There’ll never be another who can clear the obstructions from the path of the Sun’s rays like you could.
No one as loyal to Ponyville as you were.
You’ve said several times in the past that you’d never leave Ponyville ‘hanging’. That you’d never leave your friends ‘hanging’. We all believed you; we all trusted you. So where are you now? Why did you have to go? We need you Rainbow Dash. I need you. So why did you leave? I didn’t want you to go, and I would do anything to get you back. Anything at all.
I just want my Dashie back.
I can’t sleep anymore. It’s so dark and cold, and I’m so tired, but every time I get into that big bed I’m reminded of just how lonely I am. There’s no one to chase my fears away. No one to protect me from the endless shadows that haunt me night and day. I’m scared Dash. I’ve tried to laugh it all away, to giggle at the many ghosties that surround me, but without you around I just can’t do it. You gave me a reason to smile. You gave me my first smile. You gave me the energy to get up in the morning, to bounce around everywhere, to throw all the many parties I have thrown as often as I did; to be the hyper pink pony I’m known as. You’ve told me I’m random before; well, you were the source of that randomness. You were my drive. With you gone, I’m deprived of that drive. I don’t even have the energy to move the hair from out of my face.
There’s no chance of you coming back though, is there? No super-secret-ultra-rare flower in the Everfree Forest that can bring you back; no magic that Twilight or even the two princesses could wield to bring about your return. You’re gone – taken away by darkness blacker than any that Nightmare Moon ever hoped to create.
You’re never coming back. It’s so hard, so incredibly painful to know that Dashie, but it’s true.
Sometimes I wonder - would it be easier if I joined you?
It’s been a week since my last letter. That’s seven whole days. Seven days that felt like seven years. And nothing in those years changed.
The sea of grey clouds still weigh down on our heads, controlling and blocking from view the beautiful sky that was once your territory, your playground, and your life. No one has cleared it away, and I don’t know if they ever will. But I don’t care anymore.
I don’t know why I write these letters. I deliver them to you, but you never read them. You can’t read them. At least, I don’t think you can. Can you? Maybe that’s why I write them – maybe I hold onto the small hope that you will see these messages and know that I haven’t forgotten you; that I will never forget you. Maybe I hope that, somehow, you can see me. That you’re watching me, that you’re still with me, even if I can’t see you. Maybe I hope that I’m not really alone.
Or maybe I’m just crazy.
Either way, it doesn’t matter anymore.
I’ve had enough. Sweets and cake just taste horrible in my mouth. Every balloon I try to blow up just sags on the floor. The very idea of a party makes me feel sick. My super-special talent, and it makes me feel sick. Why? Because you made every party complete. Without you, all I have is reminders of the fact that you’re not there – the colourful decorations a reminder of your hair, the party games a reminder of your competitive spirit, the party food a reminder of the mess you would make.
Reminders of you are all I seem to have now; they’re everywhere I look. No matter how hard I try, I can’t tear myself away from them, eventually losing myself in memories, fantasies and ‘what ifs’ surrounding them; I keep watching the door in my room above Sugarcube Corner – the door only pegasi can use – expecting you to come flying in with a smile on your face and prove to me that this is all just some sort of crazy and elaborate prank. I imagine you pulling me into a hug, apologising for making me so sad and asking me for forgiveness. And of course, I would forgive you; you never meant to hurt me, you were just trying to trick me. It worked too, but what you tricked me into believing was just a teensy bit distasteful.
That wouldn’t matter though. It would be okay as long as I knew you were safe.
But I know you’re not.
Or, maybe you are. Maybe you’re perfectly safe, because now, nothing can harm you ever again. Because there’s a simple four letter word that would perfectly describe you right now Dashie, one that I don’t dare say. I couldn’t bear to. The thought of it makes me wretch, yet it echoes in my mind over and over. I can’t stand it anymore; it’s too much to take. My heart aches Dashie. I spend each day alone, wishing it would end faster, but instead it seems to torment me, stretching each minute into an hour of complete emptiness and dragging on for as long as possible. And the aching never goes away.
So I’ve made up my mind. My heart and I have decided to end the pain the only way possible.
I’m coming to join you Dashie.
I know – soon there’ll be candles and speeches and final goodbyes; it’ll be the first gathering of friends that I haven’t chosen to go to. Though of course, I will still be there, just not in spirit.
It would be silly of me to hope that ponies, especially our friends, won’t be sad, but I hope they don’t cry at least. I hope they realise that I want this – that this is the only way I will ever be happy again. Because in doing this, I’ll be with you again Dashie, one way or another. I’ll be able to hold you close again, and never have to let go.
And even if for some reason I can’t - if there is nothing after this life and no way to meet you again - then at least the heartache will have stopped, along with the heart itself.
No matter what happens, I’ll be holding onto your memory, blessing it until my very last breath.
I realise you might be a bit confused, seeing as you woke up to find me teary-eyed and hugging you tightly, begging you to never leave.
Pretty weird way to wake up huh?
Well, there’s a reason for it. It seems silly I know, but I had a nightmare. A horrible, terrible nightmare.
You left, Dashie. And I don’t mean you went away for a little while to see the Wonderbolts or something. You left permanently, in the most permanent way possible, with no way to ever see you again. Ever. The world was dark and gloomy without you, and I was left feeling drained and empty.
It was so scary Dash. I’ve never been sadder in my entire life than I was in that dream. That nightmare. It was sickening, and so very painful. In fact, it hurt so much that I did the unthinkable. I chose to end the pain the same way it was caused; by joining you.
That was when I woke up.
But it's okay now Dashie, because I woke up. It was all just a dream. You're okay, you're still here, and the sky isn't gloomy. I'm not alone.
Now, you're probably wondering why I'm writing a letter instead of telling you this in person. There’s two reasons: firstly, in my dream, I wrote letters to you, even though you were gone. I wrote them as a way to not feel so lonely. Now that the dream is over and I know I’m not alone, I shouldn’t have a need to write to you, right? Well, it will sound weird, but for some reason, I have to write this letter. I have to. I have this nagging fear in the back of my mind that my dream was the real world, and that this is a dream - that you still being here is a fantasy brought on by a desperate mind. But every word I write seems to add strength to the idea that I'm not in dream, and that I am living in reality, instead of a nightmare. Of course, if I am in a dream, and you are really gone, I truly hope this dream never ends.
The second reason is that though I need to write this letter, and explain what happened, I don't ever plan on telling you about it. I can't stand the thought of my dream haunting you, making you sad. When I finish this letter, I'm going to roll it up and hide it somewhere you'll never find it. Because you shouldn't ever be sad, especially because of me, and especially when there's nothing to be sad about. I'm okay Dashie, honest!
So, that’s why you had a crazy and rude awakening – because of a nightmare. I realise you probably think that, knowing me, a dream like the one I had would stay with me, making me fearful of it one day becoming true.
But I know it won't. Do you know why?
When I woke you up, holding you as close as possible while tears ran down my face, I begged, demanded and pleaded for you to never leave.
Do you remember what you said?
"Pinkie Pie, I will never ever leave you, for any reason. Ever. Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye."
You didn’t ask me why I was crying, or what had happened, and you didn’t get angry; you just told me exactly what I needed to hear, quickly and without hesitation.
And you Pinkie Promised.
You never break a Pinkie Promise.
That's why I'm okay. Why I couldn't be sad. Why I'm happier than ever in fact.
You're never going to leave, and I'm going to savour each and every moment I'm with you as if they were the best cupcakes in the world.
Now I must end this letter here as I plan to start baking you a cake as a way of apologising for waking you up like I did. I hope you like it!
On the day of the thousandth year of the Summer Sun Celebration, you sent me to the quaint little town of Ponyville with two instructions: To supervise the festivities, and, more importantly, to make some friends. Despite my frustration and my attempts to avoid the second task, both were completed with great success.
So much happened that day. I met five of the best ponies I could ever hope to meet. Together, we discovered that we represented the Elements of Harmony. We entered the ominous Everfree Forest and survived. We stopped Nightmare Moon, essentially rescuing Princess Luna in the process.
I discovered the magic of friendship.
I never thought I was missing out on anything before. I thought having friends would just be an unnecessary distraction from my studies.
The day of Nightmare Moon’s return showed me how wrong I was. It revealed to me how brilliant a thing friendship is and how much it can improve your life.
After spending so many years at school without giving friendship even a single thought, gaining five best friends in one day through the defeat of a hateful and bitter villain was certainly and overwhelming shock.
It was also the best feeling in the world.
The things me and my friends have done – from small things like helping a misunderstood zebra become a very welcome visitor to our town, to big things such as saving Equestria a second time from the clutches of Discord – are now all unforgettable memories that I feel incredibly privileged to have been a part of. I wouldn’t trade those memories for anything.
At least, I wouldn't have before. Now though, I'm not so sure.
You see Princess, you made friendship seem like an incredibly amazing and magical thing - and of course, as me and my friends have proven, you were right. However, there is a side to friendship you never told me about. A side you omitted when encouraging me to make friends and that, until recently, I had never thought about.
A side filled with pain.
Tell me Princess, how does one cope with the loss of not one, but two friends? How does one cope when one of those friends took their own life?
As you know, we recently lost our ever loyal friend, Rainbow Dash. It was so sudden and unexpected, none of us were prepared for it. The fact that we will never again see our friend grace the skies with a trail of rainbow, or shatter the sound barrier in an explosion of colour - it is an incredibly depressing thought, one that I believe will perpetually haunt our minds for the rest of our lives. I feel my heart gripped with pain and my body wracked with nausea every time I think about it. I don't imagine the others fare any better; despite this however, and with the help of the others, I was starting to find a way through the pain, through the dark and haunting thoughts. We all were. We were all severely affected, each of us in different ways, but we were beginning to cope, albeit only just.
All of us except Pinkie it seems.
She killed herself Princess. Took her own life in order to be with Rainbow. The pain must have just been too great for her to bear.
In the note left for us, she said she hoped we understood that this was what she wanted, and that we wouldn’t be sad. Well, I’m not sad; I’m empty. Hollow. I shed all my tears when Rainbow passed; now with Pinkie gone too, I don’t have any tears left to lose. I just feel devoid of all sadness. Devoid of almost every emotion in fact; all that remains in my heart now is disappointment.
Disappointment in myself.
I’m a terrible friend. All of us must be terrible friends, surely; if we weren’t, wouldn’t Pinkie have come to us for help? For comfort and support? Wouldn’t we have noticed something – anything – that would have indicated she might have been contemplating taking her own life?
After the initial shock of Rainbow’s death passed, we found ourselves leaning on each other for in order to cope with her absence; using each other’s shoulders to cry on, or reminiscing about times spent with the fastest flier in Equestria. We should have noticed something was amiss with Pinkie during those moments, but we never did. The others and I found comfort in each other, but for Pinkie, I guess it just wasn’t enough. We weren’t good enough for her, and now she’s gone.
It makes me wonder – are my other friends capable of escaping the hardships of life the way Pinkie did? This whole affair has broken Fluttershy’s heart – losing her childhood friend was devastating to her, but then to lose another friend shortly after? Through suicide? I can’t imagine what that’s like to a demure pony like her, and I don’t want to. She’s been very distant lately, often choosing to remain at home rather than meet up with the rest of us. Should I be worried that she might be thinking of following in Pinkie’s hoofsteps? I wouldn’t think her capable of it, but I didn’t even consider Pinkie of being able to do such a thing either. What would I do if she did take her life? If any of my friends took their lives – again?
It’s this that brings me back to what I said before. Previous to the loss of two of my best friends, I wouldn’t have traded the things we’ve shared – the memories, the adventures, the experiences, any of it – for anything in the world. Now, after so much pain, my resolve in that belief falters. I begin to wonder if, given the option, I would have all memories of my friends removed. Erased. Forget their existence entirely, move back to Canterlot and go back to the life of a friendless student. Part of me is ashamed to even be thinking this, but if I was once again ignorant to the magic of friendship, I would also be blissfully unaware of the pain that comes from permanently losing it.
I love the girls. They’re like family to me. However, the pain of losing them, as well as the fear of losing them, begs the question – is friendship really worth it? Are all the pleasant memories that come with it really worth the risk of suffering unexpected and immense heartache at any point in time?
As of yet, I don’t know the answer to that question. I don’t know if moving back to Canterlot and forgetting my friend is something I should actually consider doing. I don’t know whether that would actually work or not.
I just don’t know.
I suppose this is all just some convoluted lesson in friendship, isn’t it? Something new for me to report on? Well, here’s what I’ve learnt: Friendship, being the wondrous thing it is, comes with a rather large catch. An incredible risk. In a single day, without warning, the joyous friendship you hold dear to your heart can be snatched away from you, to be replaced with seemingly perpetual pain.
Perhaps this means that you should savour each and every moment you and with your friends.
Perhaps it means that life is much easier if you never have any friends.
Again, I don’t know.
I do know that this letter has gone on too long though. I’m sorry to lay all this on you so suddenly Princess, I just thought you should know about Pinkie. I suppose I ended up unintentionally putting all my thoughts onto paper in the process.
