I never thought I’d be doing another one of these again. I honestly thought the storm had blown over. Then again, when your life is the storm you can’t hide inside and wait for things to fix themselves.
Well, I suppose there is one way to make it stop…No; I can’t go back to that. Not again. It’s too soon.
Today I was visiting my cousin, Sunny Flare. She’s not my biological cousin, but our families are close enough to be considered family. Her mom is Spitfire’s older sister, Rain Feather, retired captain of the Wonderbolts, who found a nice stallion and decided to settle down, giving her spot to her younger sister. Because Spitfire is like a sister to Soarin, we’re considered to be family.
I guess if you thought about it a lot, Sunny Flare would actually be my niece, and I would be her aunt. That just seemed too complicated, though, so we decided on being called cousins. It’s pretty fitting, actually. We’re just about the same age, so it makes more sense.
Back to the story. So Rainbow Dash, Spitfire, and Rain Feather went out for a mare’s day, and Soarin and Moon Beam (Rain’s husband) were doing something at Rain’s house. Probably something stupid and/or physically damaging if I know those two.
So that left me and Sunny Flare. Her mom and dad actually have quite a few brothers and sisters, so naturally she has a bunch of cousins. But, she’s always said that I’m her favorite. So I took the opportunity to tell her. I was planning to tell her at the family reunion, but now was better.
She went on and on for a while about her crush, who, unfortunately, already had another girlfriend. While she was catching me up on all the gossip, I was mentally planning out what to say. I finally settled on, “So, what’s this guy’s name, anyway?”
Sunny blushed a bit before responding, “Grey Sky. What about your crush’s name?”
“You know, I think it’s weird how I have no problem telling people I’ve known for less than a week about them, but I’m always nervous about telling my close friends and family.” That was true. It mattered most what the people that loved me thought, not random strangers, since they don’t even know me.
“And I always knew that if I started telling my extended family, you’d be the first to know.” That was also true. Sunny Flare was the kind of person that seemed like she was happy all the time and willing to put up with ponies, or at least pretend to.
“Aw, thanks!” Sunny said with a bright smile. She pulled me into a quick hug. She pulled back and looked at me with excitement. “Alright, tell me already! Who is this guy?”
“Okay, okay, okay,” I said with a deep breath. “So, my crush’s name is… Sweetie Belle.”
Sunny looked at me, confused. “That’s a colt’s name?”
“No, Sweetie is a mare,” I explained quickly.
She sat there for a moment, thinking hard. I could see the cogs in her brain working at full speed, trying to find out what I meant.
“I can see you trying to wrap your head around this,” I said, trying to lighten the mood a bit.
She nodded slowly. “Your crush is a mare?”
It was my turn to nod. “Yeah, I’m lesbian. I went through depression the last two years ‘cause I was so scared. I even thought about trying to hurt myself.”
“Scootaloo!” Sunny Flare cried in a disapproving voice, like it was somehow my fault.
“What?” I said defensively. “It’s not like I chose to be this way.”
Nothing was said after that and we just looked at each other. We sat without talking for an entire sixty seconds before Sunny decided to break the silence.
“Um, let’s talk about the next family reunion!” she said happily. “Have you seen pictures of the house we’re staying at? It’s like a mansion!”
“I haven’t seen pictures, but I’ve heard about how awesome it is. I’m really excited for the pool,” I said smiling, trying to sound as happy as she was. Of course, I was happy too, but the fact that I had just told her I went through depression-which I haven’t even told to Rainbow and Soarin-then for her just to brush me aside like that, it hurt more than anything.
I had heard at least a thousand times how much she loved me and such, but now… did it even matter? Why would she do that? I just poured my heart and soul out to her and she didn’t even seem to care, much less sympathize.
I kept a forced smile throughout the rest of my visit that disappeared right as I walked out the door.
As soon as I reached my room I held on tightly to my pillow as if it were my last shred of comfort and allowed a few tears to leak out of my shut eyes. I didn’t bother closing the door; I was still the only one at the house. I would be until sometime around midnight.
I’ve only really gotten mad while I cried one other time, that was a year ago when I wished I hadn’t found out so early so that I could’ve been happy then. I remember the experience vividly, and it was not good.
Your eyes and hooves were clenched tight, and your jaw is firm. You can feel the white-hot anger boiling inside of you and the scream building in your throat. You constantly ask “Why?” and want the entire world to feel your pain, so that all of those stupid gay protestors will understand for once in their lives and shut the heck up.
I honestly thought I was going to be done with these feelings. Hadn’t I made myself happy by now? I already told Rainbow Dash and Soarin, and that’s what matters. But… I wouldn’t want to be the reason parts of this family start breaking off.
Ugh, I hate this. I hope it turns out alright because I don’t think going through depression twice in your life is good for your health.