I cried again tonight. I went to bed early and just sobbed into my sleeping mask.
When Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Babs came up to say goodnight I was terrified that they would notice I’d been crying, but luckily they didn’t. I don’t think this was as bad as the first time I cried myself to sleep, but I have the same feeling.
The feeling of sadness so overwhelming it becomes you, and you can actually feel the heavy weight on your shoulders. Sometimes the weight is much too heavy to carry around with you all the time, so you have to write it all down, which is what I’m doing now.
Usually when I cry like this I can never get a good night’s sleep after. Well, except for when I curl up on my bathroom floor and cry. That happens during the day.
I think Rumble might be at the community breakfast tomorrow morning. That’s good. I’ve wanted to tell him I’m gay for a while now. I hope he won’t leave me.
I know Twist will. She’s extremely homophobic. This is why I can’t tell my family yet. I can’t lose them. Not the ponies I love! They don’t know how many tears I’ve cried thinking of them rejecting me for being a lesbian.
Some of my worst fears are ones of suicide, or cutting off all ties with my family so they’ll never have to be disappointed in me.
I heard Fleetfoot tell this story about a stallion who was happily married, had three kids, and was head of a committee made to help out the environment. Word got out that he was gay, and he was kicked out of office, divorced by his wife, and left by the rest of his friends and family.
I don’t want that to become my life.