Fine, don't respond. I'll get you two talking soon enough.
If the guards were going to ignore everything I say, I was going to forget they were there. With that in mind, I leisurely strolled out of the room and took a left. Celestia didn't give me any directions so I decided to wander the halls.
I spent the next two hours blindly following the carpeted halls. Occasionally, I would open a door to see what was inside. By the time my stomach demanded sustenance, I had found the dining hall. It didn't take a genius to know that the kitchens were through the door within.
To say the royal kitchens were large would have been an understatement. I've never seen a kitchen filled with so much stuff. Three large coolers lined the leftmost wall and five ovens commanded the right. A large preparation island stood between them. Pantries stocked with everything from potatoes to zucchini were filled at the back wall. I must have come during a lull because there was only a single cook present.
Heheheh, time to cook! "Hey there!"
The chef jumped at my voice. "What are you doing back here human?! Only cooks are allowed! Leave at once!"
"Woah, dude, chill. Celestia said I could use the kitchens. I don't want to bother you with my odd eating habits, so can I just-"
"No! This is my kitchen. I won't allow some talentless human to rummage through my workplace."
That hurt. I know what I'm doing. "Aw, come on! I know what to do. I'll clean up when I'm done, honest."
"...All right, but just this once! After this, you go through the stewards." Eeexcellent...
I began rummaging through cupboards. After getting the required silverware and cookware, I really got into it. Eggs went into a pot of water to boil; lettuce, onions, and other assorted veggies were chopped and thrown into a large salad bowl; ingredients were mixed; and an oven was preheated. I managed to make the closest substitute to a chef's salad and more chocolate chip cookies than the displays at Sugarcube Corner could hold. Ah, it's good to cook. So calming. Hmm? The sou chef was looking at me like I was insane. Did I surprise him or is he in shock? Meh, eating now; clean later.
Even without salad dressing, I managed to eat everything in the bowl. Ugh, I know I have to go vegetarian here, but I really need some meat! I ate a couple cookies while cleaning up. By the time I was done, the tower of cookies were staring me down. What the hell am I going to do with these?
"Uh, guys? You want some cookies?" The chef shook himself out of whatever stump he was in and just walked off. My two stalkers just shook their heads. "Well, in that case, I think I'll send them to the princesses." I called a steward to bring the large tray of cookies to wherever Celestia was and left the kitchen. As the door slowly closed behind me, the steward could be seen gawking at my creations. Either she'll love them, or think I'm insane for making so much. Then again, she might think I'm trying to do something.
My wanderings paid off in the end. It only took me an hour to find the guard's training grounds. Jeez, why does this castle have to be so BIG? I feel like I could get fit just going to the dining room for every meal! The grounds were as simple as they were grandiose. A central building spoke of its importance while scattered around were guards swinging mouth held swords and hoof held spears at practice dummies. Dust billowed from wherever a hoof stepped as grass was only seen along the walls. Other than the entrance I used from the castle, there was a large portcullis was set into the right wall. At this time, it was open.
Assuming the captain or whoever led these grounds would want to see me, my first stop was the building. Upon arriving, I heard someone shout.
"So you're the human the princess was telling me about! About time you got here!" A large stallion walked out of a side room he had yelled from. How did he know I was here if he was in there? "So you think you can just waltz on in here and do as you please, huh?"
"Um, no... sir. I was just-"
"Ha ha ha! Don't be so stiff, mate! Call me Stone. Tell me, what did you come here for?" I got over my slight heart attack and looked him over. He was large, even bigger than my little stalkers. Although he wore the same armor as the others, his coat was grey with a red mane and tail. Pfft... I bet he looks ridiculous with that blue topped helmet on. I guess the smirk was showing. "What are you smiling at? Ah, I know. The helmets right?"
Well, honesty is the best policy right? "Yeah."
"Well, too bad for you then. I don't wear the standard issue helmet. But enough about that, you still haven't told me what you want."
"I received some bad news from the princess and I wanted to vent some frustrations out here."
"Look no further then. Just pick a dummy and start wailing on it. Be warned though, some of the ponies here like to spar. Something like you? I'm sure they would love a chance to try you out."
Shit. I'm no fighter! Still, this may be my one shot at learning. "Right. I’ll be wary. Thanks for the tip, Stone."
Stone's warning came true. After five minutes of throwing punches, a group of guards approached me. My followers were in it as well.
"Look, guys, as much as I want to, I'm a pacifist. Unless you get me really mad, I'm not going to fight back."
"Oh, but that's just it. We don't need you to fight back. We just want to know where to aim to get you down."
"Wha-" The wind was knocked out of me. Even my large chest couldn't hold up against over one hundred pound ponies ramming into it. I fell to my knees and attempted to regain some oxygen. I didn't get a chance as I was then bucked in the shoulders. I slid back on my knees and set my hands on the ground.
"Is that it? The princess had nothing to worry about. This weakling couldn't harm a fly!"
I stood. "Ah, but that's where you're wrong. I can, but I choose not to. A brute like you couldn't beat a wall. It takes more than strength to win." If I could see myself, I was sure I had a fire in my eyes. Every step I took towards him was carefully placed. Release. I charged. As he reared up, I sidestepped and slammed my knee into his side. Keep him down. I followed him to the ground and threw all I had into his jaw.
"Enough!" A stallion yelled and threw me off my opponent. "Guards, detain him!" The guards that had been following me since morning held me down. A few moments later, Stone stood over me. "Just what happened here!"
"He attacked; I finished the fight." I spoke calmly.