“What an invigorating stroll!” Rarity sighed pleasantly, and looked over her shoulder at her friends. “Wouldn't you agree?”
“Eh, still seemed a little boring. You know. Walking and all.” Rainbow Dash flitted up into the air as a matter of principle. Thankfully, Canterlot's hallways had high ceilings. “Next time we've got to hit the aerodrome.”
“I think it was nice.” Fluttershy murmured from her decidedly earthbound position. “I mean, last time I spent any time in the Canterlot Garden, it … didn't end well.”
“Welp,” said Applejack, “ain't like ya wound up doin' that crazy laugh or anythin' this time. So that's a plus.”
Fluttershy winced at the memory. “Oh. That was so embarrassing. Turns out, most of the ponies here in Canterlot aren't very good with animals, so the wildlife is kind of … skittish. I just had to take some extra time to make friends this time around, that's all.”
“Aw, c'mon, Fluttershy! There's nothing wrong with going a little crazy and doing a crazy laugh sometimes! It's like, if you keep all the craziness bottled up, then eventually you're just gonna POP like a balloon and the next thing you know you just can't stop laughing because your henchmen have finished installing your earthquake machine!”
“Henchmen?” said Rainbow Dash.
“Earthquake machine?” said Rarity.
“Totally!” Pinkie Pie nodded hard enough to make her hair bobble.
“And, er, we appreciate it every day when you don't turn to supervillainy, Pinkie.” Rarity said. “Now then, as enjoyable as this has been, we'd best go find Twilight, and see what we can do to help. This is quite the event, after all. I'm sure Twilight will need--” Rarity paused for a moment, and then delicately sniffed at the air. “Does anyone else smell that?”
“Sorry.” Pinkie Pie shrunk back a bit, and managed an embarrassed blush. “I had chimichangas for lunch.”
“Not that.” Rarity said, nonplussed. “It smells like--”
“Smoke!” Applejack dashed forward, covering the remaining distance to Twilight's suite in record time. The other four ponies followed suit. Applejack wasted little time in kicking in the doors, and soon they all piled in.
The Pretty Princess Suite was never meant to be a magical laboratory, but that hadn't stopped Twilight from trying. Hastily scribbled notes of improvised arcane formulae were scattered all over the place, with an even larger arcane circle sketched out on the floor in chalk. The pungent smell of singed hair hung heavy in the air, and a thin trail of smoke wafted up from behind the bathroom door.
“Oh, hey guys!” Spike set aside the tray of bubbling beakers he was carrying, and waved to the five ponies. “Good to see you!”
“Spike!” Rarity gasped. “What in Celestia's name is going on here?”
“So, uh, long story short, Twilight decided to do an … experiment.”
“Oh man, is she summoning evil demons so we can punch them in the face and shoot them with friendship lasers?” Rainbow Dash beat her wings eagerly.
“No,” said Spike.
“She's not trying to devise some sort of love charm to find her a special somepony so she won't be alone forever, is she?” Rarity said.
“Er, no,” said Spike.
“Ooooh, I know! I bet Twilight's making a magical portal to an alternate dimension that's the opposite of ours so everyone is eeeeeeevil or something! But I guess if we were evil over there, that would make the bad guys good guys! So Twilight's probably teaming up with Good-Guy Sombra right now! Cool!”
“Not that, either.” Spike said.
“Then what's she doin'?” Applejack said.
Spike winced at the scrutiny.“You're not gonna believe this, but—”
“I'VE DONE IT!” Twilight's triumphant cry came from the bathroom.
“--maybe you should just see for yourself.” Spike said.
There was no fanfare as Twilight opened up the bathroom door, but she carried herself proudly enough that there should have been.
Her friends gasped.
“Oh, hi everypony!” Twilight Sparkle jutted her chin out a little more. “What do you think?”
The other ponies conferred silently among themselves with a few panicked nods and glances, until Rarity and Rainbow Dash shoved Applejack forward. The cowpony was the element of Honesty, after all.
“Well. Uh.” Applejack said. “You … got somethin' on your chin there.” She said, plainly.
“It looks like some kind of horrible fuzzy monster is trying to eat your face!” Rainbow Dash blurted.
“Oh, Rainbow, you're so silly.” Twilight Sparkle said, and then reached up to stroke at the purple mass of hair jutting out from her chin. “My beard just looks a little unkempt because I haven't had the chance to groom it yet.”
“Pardon me, darling.” Rarity squinted at Twilight-- or, more specifically, at Twilight's chin. “Did you just say beard?” The white unicorn felt her mouth going dry, and her knees going weak. She leaned on Applejack for support.
“I did!” Twilight said, proudly.
“Wow!” Pinkie Pie appeared next to Twilight Sparkle seemingly without crossing the inconvenient space between. “That's a really nice beard!”
“Why, thank you, Pinkie.” Twilight said.
“So where's the string? Or did you glue it to your face with spirit gum?” Pinkie Pie reached up with her front hooves and tugged none-too-gently at Twilight's facial locks.
“Ow!” Twilight said, and pushed Pinkie Pie away as gently as she could manage. “It's not a fake beard, Pinkie. I grew this.”
“Do what now?” Applejack said.
“I grew a beard. On my face.” Twilight said, matter-of-factly.
“Er, darling?” Rarity raised a hoof. “Isn't that slightly … biologically impossible? You know, given how you're … a lady?” Rarity may have been using the term a little loosely, but she was lady enough not to mention it.
“I'm glad you asked!” Twilight said, and reached up to give her beard a long, proud stroke. “While there have been certain, rare cases documented in which a hormonal imbalance leads to the occasional case of female facial hair-- the prototypical 'bearded ladies' of circus sideshows, you know. But! Mucking around with my own genetic makeup would be irresponsible and hazardous.”
“Of course.” Rarity said, still staring at Twilight's beard.
“Therefore! I found a far easier, far safer way to grow a beard. Namely, there are certain spells in certain tomes-- texts that I am only familiar with in an academic sense, mind you, and I only began researching them when I was well of legal age. These rare spells, when cast, allow certain mares to take on certain characteristics of certain stallions.” One of the many advantages to beard-dom, Twilight found, was the ability to conceal a blush.
“Why would they do that?” Rainbow Dash canted her head at a puzzled angle.
Fluttershy leaned over and murmured something into Rainbow's ear.
“Oh.” Rainbow Dash said. She fluttered her wings for a moment, and then peered at Fluttershy. “How do you even know that?”
“No comment.” Fluttershy shrank down even smaller than usual.
“Anyway!” Twilight continued. “It only took a little bit of etheric engineering to recalibrate the location of the temporary gender reversal. Then, it was a simple matter to integrate a localized temporal compression and a few other key elements into the spell! I admit, it probably could use some fine tuning before I publish it in any magical journals, but the important part is, I built a spell that let me grow a beard!”
“Why in the heck would ya do somethin' like that?” Applejack said. “That thing makes ya look like a a grizzly bear or somethin'.”
“Oh no.” Fluttershy chimed in. “Grizzly bears aren't as ... intimidating.”
“I'm glad you asked, Applejack.” Twilight trotted across the room, to where the slim blue volume of Starswirl the Bearded's beard poetry still sat on a desk. “You see, Starswirl the Bearded was one of the most brilliant, most powerful, most revolutionary wizards in all of Equestrian history. I've always wanted to be like him-- working with Princess Celestia, saving the kingdom, helping ponies, exploring other dimensions … “ Twilight Sparkle sighed in pleasant hero-worship.
“And you really have done all that cool stuff!” Rainbow Dash said, grinning.
“I know! And I'm really thankful for the opportunity. But, it wasn't until I found this long-lost volume, written by Starswirl the Bearded himself, that I was missing out on just one thing. A beard.”
“What.” Applejack said.
“Hear me out!” Twilight pulled out a large pad of paper on an easel, and flipped to a large drawing of Discord-- one that had a certain tuft of hair on his chin circled. “Look! Discord has a beard.” Twilight flipped to another drawing. “Tirek? Also has a beard. But King Sombra? No beard. By my calculations--” Twilight turned to another page, this one divided into three columns for Discord, Tirek, and Sombra. Each column was filled with rough, nigh-unintelligible mathemagical calculations. “Even going by my rough figures, both Tirek and Discord are exponentially more powerful than King Sombra. Sure, Sombra was able to lock away a whole kingdom for centuries, but he lacks the kind of planar-wide reality warping potential that Discord and Tirek both have at the height of their power. Now, I haven't been able to determine if beard length or style is indicative of raw magical potential-- I'm going to have to do further research. But! The important part is, if this beard makes me more magical, then it will also make me a better friend.”
“That makes perfect sense!” Pinkie Pie said.
“Yep. It's officially super weird now.” Rainbow Dash murmured.
“Twilight. Darling.” Rarity said, trying vainly to keep her composure in the face of such a furry face. “Are you feeling quite alright?”
“I'm great!” Twilight Sparkle said. “Except from a little bit of spell-fatigue, and maybe a little bit of eye strain from reading so long. But all of that just melts away whenever I look in the mirror.” Twilight did just that, and again stroked languidly at her certainly wizard-worthy beard.
“Oh dear.” Rarity shut her eyes, as if looking away from Twilight's beard would make it disappear. (It didn't). “Twilight, I fear you're in one of those … moods again.”
“What moods?” Twilight blinked in confusion.
“You know.” Rarity made an airy gesture with one hoof. “When you throw yourself into your latest research project and you forget to eat and by the end of it you can't stop giggling to yourself because you're loopy from neglecting to sleep for a few days?”
“Happens all the time.” Spike said.
“There's nothing wrong with a little enthusiasm, Rarity.” Twilight Sparkle said. “Besides, it … hasn't been that long, has it? What day is it? What time is it?”
“Oh no. It's worse than I thought.” Rarity winced. “Do you remember why we all made this trip to Canterlot in the first place?”
“Of course I do! I'm here for an Official State Visit, as part of my Royal duties. And Princess Celestia even told me I didn't have to make a speech or anything-- she said all I would have to do is sit down and look like a Princess for a little bit. Honestly a little boring, but at least this visit gave me the opportunity to find Starswirl the Bearded's book in the Deep Stacks, and--”
Rarity held one hoof up. “Twilight.” She said, carefully. “Don't you remember why all you have to do is sit around and look regal?”
“Uh.” Twilight blinked. “I thought it was some kind of parade or something, maybe? I'm pretty sure they're not bringing in any other leaders from any other kingdoms. Celestia would've briefed me if that were the case.”
“The Official Ceremony that we all came for, Twilight, was the painting of a royal portrait.”
“Huh. Sounds like we might actually be watching paint dry, huh?” Twilight said with a wry grin.
“Your royal portrait, Twilight.”
“Oh.”