So, after I was pulled into my closet by the rainbow fuckshow, I was sent barrelling into a house. What surprised me the most, was not the ponies, but the fact that I was sent into a fucking house and didn’t take a scratch. Maybe magic? I’m guessing magic. Here, you can actually guess it was magic because magic fucking exists. That was another thing that surprised me when I was sent into the world of ponies.
Alright. Now, going back to my quest to Twilight’s MOTHERFUCKING castle. Yes, she has a castle. I also realized that for a princess, she doesn’t have any sort of guard protecting the castle. From what stories I’ve heard around Ponyville I’d think that she’d need some guards due to the fact that every month or so some giant beast comes along and fucks shit up. Apparently I was that thing that comes and fucks shit up this time around.
So apparently the rainbow tendrils were called the Hellements of Armory. No wait, my bad. Elements of Harmony. They fucking brought me here because? Nobody knows. Twilight doesn’t know why they sent me here but they did. She’s also confused because they are currently within the Tree of Harmony. So I got sent here because I’m some sort prodigy and I have to solve some sort of issue. So what issue am I supposed to solve? It doesn’t look like there’s anything here to begin with.
I don’t know if I’m supposed to wait for something maaagical to happen. I’ll usually rely on Pinkies Pinkie Sense™ for anything about to happen. It’s uh… it’s interesting to say the least. I finally approach Twilight’s Crystal Castle. I push open the heaviest door in existence. To this day I still wonder how that puny little dragon opens it with ease.
Walking up the stairs I ponder on how hard this lesson of Equestria will be. I miss seeing the English language, but whatever. Honestly, I keep a journal in my drawer that keeps my English writings in it. Twilight has been the only one who can read it because she has some sort of interdimensional Google Translate or some shit.
“Twilight?” I say as I peek into her room. She’s nowhere to be seen. “Where the hell is she?”
I pull my head back out of her room before turning around. I come nose to nose with Twilight.
“GYAH! Twilight! What the hell?!” I lower my fist that was about to kiss Twilight’s nose violently. Twilight was stifling laughter.
“Hi Chance. I take it you’re here for your lesson?” She opens her door with her MYAJIC and stroll in.
“Yes, Pinkie. I am,” I say, still coming down from the adrenaline high. She rolls her eyes before grabbing another book full of garble.
“I have been researching a way how to pull my knowledge of our language and cram it into your head,” she says.
“You want to shove a book in my head?”
“Essentially.”
“Wouldn’t that… hurt? I mean, you’re literally shoving an entire dictionary into my brain using,” I pause for effect. “Eugh, magic.”
“You’ve got a problem with magic?” It’s apparent that she doesn’t like my attitude against magic.
“Yeah? It doesn’t make any sense that you’re able to do all this stuff on the fly with but a grain of salt,” I rant. I can feel Twilight’s eyes burning holes into the back of my head. I turn around to a fierce glare. “What?”
“Magic is all around us. It’s in you right now!” Twilight pokes me with her hoof.
“Bullshit. If I had magic in me, then why don’t I have any special powers?” I shoot back.
“I don’t know. I haven’t done any tests on you except for your anatomy,” she says. I have awkward flashbacks from when she was examining me. Seriously, I had to strip buck naked. The first thing I noticed about the pastel ponies is that they don’t wear clothing. So when she was sitting there and examining me she wasn’t fazed at all from my nudity while I was standing there with the blush of the century.
“Yeah… so what do you need? My blood or…” I start thinking of anything else.
“Yes, I suppose I do. Hold on one moment,” she trots over to a giant chest and pulls out a syringe that would make the planet cringe. “Too big,” she says. No fucking shit? She then pulls out a MUCH smaller one.
“Here we go. Now, hold your arm out please,” I stretch my arm out before she pushes the needle in. She misses the vein in my inner elbow 9 different times. It hurt so damn much, I actually started crying. She finally jabs the needle into the proper spot. She draws the plunger back, the syringe filling with black liquid.
I sigh with relief when the needle is drawn out. The sting is lingering but it’s still not as bad as repeated jabbing. She smiles at me before storing it… somewhere. It just disappeared.
“Well, I’m giving you a break today. I’m glad you let me have your blood, but I do need some time to myself to examine your blood,” she says. I nod, but I am a little disappointed that I can’t learn more about the Equestrian language.
“Well, good luck,” I say, slowly leaving the room. She waves at me before ‘poofing’ the syringe into existence. I roll my eyes before exiting her room. After a nice five minute walk, I leave the castle.
“What should I do… there’s nothing to do…” I start to walk down towards my house. It’s a regular ol’ cottage, if you’re wondering. It’s not big, it’s not little, it’s uh, just right. I grab the handle, the lock inside ‘magically’ clicking open. I pull down the latch and the door squeaks noisily open. I slam it shut behind me as I flop down onto the couch.
I look down at my arm, and noticed that it had been bleeding openly. It occurred to me that Twilight had never put a bandage on it. Thank god for clotting, am I right? I jump up and run to the bathroom to grab some sort of bandage. I start the water to wash off the blood.
The water is spat out of the faucet with a cold spray. I grab a rag and start to scrub the blood off. It rinses into the sink with flakes. I pat dry my arm before attaching a red bandage. I turn off the light and go back into the living room, flopping onto the sofa again. I scream in boredom before sitting back up.
“God damn! This is fucking boring,” I say while sighing. I miss my TV and game system. Stupid Pelicans of Absurdity… err, Elements of Harmony. I stand back up and open my door. Time to do something productive.
Outside was shockingly beautiful. The grass is green, the sky is blue, the clouds are white and puffy and OH MY GOD THIS IS BORING. I sigh in frustration as I proceed down to the SugarCube Corner. Pinkie Pie will think of something, even if I was just there. I start to go back to the sweetshop.