A Whole New World
By: The Lunar Toaster
(References ahead, mateys!)
It’s been a few days since I arrived in this strange, strange world. I was certainly terrified of the things that I’ve seen so far, but it eventually switched over from being utterly scared shitless, to being curious of the surroundings around me. If it’s anything, I’d say that I’m happier to be here rather than back at home. I mean, there’s virtually no pollution, and it’s outstandingly beautiful. However, the residents here in this tiny little town are interesting to say the least.
The population of this world, are ponies. You’d think I’m kidding, but when you come over here and see it for yourself, you may just believe me. It doesn’t help that these ponies are also overly friendly. It’s yet to be determined if they are really friendly, however, it doesn’t look like it. There have been incidents where I was glomped by these lightweight pastel colored ponies. While I prefer to be regularly hugged, I suppose I’ll have to build up a resistance to the ground scraping painfully against my back every time. Don’t ask me how a 30 pound pony is suppose to knock over a 230 pound man.
As of right now, I’m busy walking over to the Sugarcube corner. Pinkie Pie said that she’d be able to let me work over there, since I am a half-decent chef and a total die-hard for sweets. Especially Pinkies vanilla cream-jelly filled long johns that I love. Now, while I am a sweets fanatic, there are some downsides to this world. One of them is that all of these ponies are herbivores. Except griffons. Those angry fuckfaces are pretty badass. Another is that I’m the only one here on this god-forsaken planet! Not to mention the planet’s name is fucking hard to pronounce as well. How the hell is someone supposed to pronounce ‘equus’. I think it’s like, Ekoos..? or something. I’ll have to ask Twilight later.
I walk up to the candy-covered house in front of me. I made a vow to myself that if there’s a witch in that fucking place, I’d torch her until there was nothing left. While I lucked out, with no witch, there was still a Pinkie waiting to pounce me every time I’d open the door. I seriously know how Calvin feels now. Except, I’ve been getting better and dodging her. I open the door to see the pink blur coming out at me from the top. I duck as she flies over my head. I run in as I hear her grunt with a landing outside.
“Come back, Chance!” I hear Pinkie call from outside. Nope, fuck that shit. I run into the kitchen, but suddenly skid to a halt seeing as Pinkie was literally already in there.
“Buh… wha..?” Pinkie giggles at my dumbfounded look. She waltzes up to me and gives me a normal hug for once. I return the hug before looking around the kitchen.
“Wow, Pinkie. What’d you do, set off a tornado in here?” I ask, the place is covered in baking supplies, flour, and confetti.
“Nope! We’re having a hu-u-ge baking sale tomorrow and I’ve had to make it all. Man, I should’ve had you come sooner!” Pinkie says ecstatically.
“Well, do you have anything else I could help with?” I really hope that I don’t have to clean this mess up. That would seriously suck, especially if she wouldn’t help.
“Hmmm, maybe you could help me clean this kitchen, and I’ll throw in some bits,” she says. I groan inwardly, but keep a happy smile.
“Alright, I’ll help you out then.”
I rub my wrists after finishing up the messy kitchen. It took little over an hour to finish it all, but it was worthwhile because I got to hang out with Pinkie for a bit. She asked me if I could tell her about what my home was like while cleaning. Of course, I told her. I told her about all the heartaches and stresses of my previous home, but also all the happy times too. Before I knew it, I was finished with my story, along with the kitchen.
“Thanks, Chance. I’ll get you your bits,” she says. I had just finished with a sad ending of how my parents had split up. It turns out it hit her hard, considering her poofy mane thing had deflated a little. She sounded a bit somber too. I look out the window towards Canterlot, I think about what my future holds for me, what I’m going to do, and how I’m going to do it. Pinkie snaps me out of my deep-thinking by rattling the bits around in the bag. Before taking it, I give her a bear-hug. She seems to melt within my arms as I snuggle into her neck a little.
“Hey, cheer up pinks. What happened in the past stays there, alright?” I pull back and gaze into her rather large blue eyes. She smiles at me and hugs me one last time before plopping the bag o’ bits into my hand. I stood up to my full height, and pop my back a little.
“Thanks…” I say politely. “I need to go though, Twilight is teaching me how to read Equestrian,” I stare at the gibberish on the cook book.
“Alright, Chase. I’ll see you tomorrow!” she says, back into her usual self. I exit the sugar cube corner and head towards Twilight’s castle. The walk will take about 15 minutes, so let’s go over more things about how I got here.
So I arrived here by being pulled into my television screen by my balls. No, I’m kidding. What actually happened was a little more interesting.
I stood outside my work, it’s a nice place where I can to talk to little old ladies who need their medication. Good pay and good managers are all I need to be in my happy little world. I was on my way home after working a particularly long 10 hour day that left me longing to play on my computer. I stopped at the nearest Little Caesars to pick up one of them $5 pizzas. Mmmmm, Pizza… I pulled into my driveway, exiting my rice-burner of a car with Pizza in hand.
I open up my door, kick off my shoes and place the pizza onto my coffee table. Hmm, computer or TV. Doctor Who is on later, so why not. I flop down onto my couch and switch on the TV.
“Doctor Phil? Wrong doctor,” I switch the channel. “Teen Titans Go is a horrible reboot,” I finally found the station that hosts Doctor Who. I sit back and watch the Doctor be a total badass against what looks like a Nazi version of Clara and another woman who I can’t remember the name to. Halfway through my first pizza, something rustles from down the hall. I quickly mute the TV and peer down the hall. The most I see is complete darkness, which scares the daylights out of me.
I stand up slowly and take a pizza in hand. Because wielding a pizza is perfect. The pizza is aggressive. I take a few steps towards the dark hallway before another rustle is heard. I approach a few more times, hearing the rustling get louder as I approach my door. Something in my room is rustling around a lot of things. I open my door slowly and reach my hand around towards the lightswitch. I feel it and flick it on. I open my door with a loud yell, with pizza in hand.
There’s fucking nothing. I look around my room, eyes narrowed looking for the location of the rustling. I take a bite of the pizza and sigh. God damn it. There’s literally nothing here. I start to leave my room before another cliche rustling sound comes from right behind me.
“Alright, what the hell. Come out!” I shout into the empty room. The rustling sound happens again, but it’s in the closet. Now what’s in the closet? The prospect of the idea terrifies me because there’s fucking monster in my closet. I slowly walk over to the closet and grip the handle and fling it open. It was at this moment, that I realized… I fucked up. Inside my closet was this, gay rainbow thing that had these strands that shot out towards me, wrapping around my torso.
“no no no nO NO NO!” I gripped onto the side of my closet as the rainbow tendrils gripped my torso. My grip started to falter as the tendrils pulled much harder.
“The fuck do you need me for!” I screamed as my right hand lost grip. I looked down towards the gayfest rainbow freak show below me. I clasped my right hand onto the closet again before the tendrils gave one final tug that sent me into the rainbow-ey abyss. What was left at my house, you may ask? Well, sitting in front of my closed closet doors is a half eaten lonely piece of Little Caesars pizza.