BL-BLAM!
Two bulletholes rip through a bright orange splash screen, followed by—
POW!
A regal sister poses badflankishly, sporting dark sunglasses while pumping a shotgun.
She's An Immortal Alicorn of the Sun...
SCH-SCHIIIIING!
A sharp green lizard tail rips the screen to shreds. Up pops an eight-legged dragon in a police uniform. Smoke billows from his nostrils while a pair beady red eyes swivel around.
"BLARGH!"
He's a Lazy Foul Mouthed Dragon...
SCREEEEEEECH!
There's a close-up shot of police car tires.
Then we flash to a wide-angled shot of a long hallway. Zooming down in sporadic jerks, we see Princess Celestia and Crackle marching menacingly towards us from afar, interrupted periodically by obnoxious lens flare. A gold chain necklace with a sun emblem hangs from the alicorn's neck. The dragon... just stares at the walls and lets his tongue hang out.
And Together...
Celestia grinds to a stop, brandishing two pistols. She stands back to back with Crackle as the two glare into the shadows.
...They Fight Crime.
Crackle's jaw widens. "HOORJ!" He lifts two of his rear legs and lets out a fart.
FWOOOMB! Princess Celestia's tail catches on fire.
"Aaaaugh!" She stomps her own hair out and turns to glare at her partner. "Crackle! You did it againnnn!"
Crackle's head spins around. "ZOOP?!"
(Laughtrack)
Or At Least...
...They Try To
BL-BLAM!
Bulletholes force the image to segue into...
VRMMMMM!
...a police chase down a Canterlot highway. Ponies shriek and leap off the sidewalk to avoid the getaway car. A bunch of diamond dogs wearing ski masks lean out the window and launch a volley of machine gun bullets at the vehicle in pursuit.
BLAM! P-POW! RAT-A-TAT-TAT!
Gripping the wheels of the police car, Celestia gnashes her teeth and snarls, "Okay, we're on a straightaway! Let 'er rip!"
"BLARGH!" Crackle leans out the passenger side window with an RPG. He takes aim, but...
"Crackle!" Celestia gasps, trying to concentrate on the road. "You have it loaded backwards again—!"
Too late; the missile fires, shooting backwards and shattering through the rear window of the police car. It sails across the street and flies into a gas station, setting it ablaze.
KABOOOOM!
"Rrrrgh!" Celestia gnashes her teeth, fighting to keep the car speeding straight. "Crackle, you did it again!"
"FOOHB?!"
We flash to a shot of a dirty, run-down apartment bathroom. Princess Celestia is repeatedly dunking a stallion's bruised face into the toilet.
"Who do you work for, huh?!" Growling, Celestia slams the stallion's face against the seat over and over. "Talk!"
"Sppfttkktktt!" The stallion sputters. "I already told you!" He sobs. "All of the information is in the briefcase!"
Celestia turns around. "Did you hear that, Crackle?!" Her eyes bulge. "Crackle!"
We see that Crackle is already halfway through scarfing the luggage down his throat. Upon seeing Celestia's angry face, he pauses, then swallows the rest of it. "BURRRRRP!" He belches, setting the lighting fixture of the bathroom on fire. He grins towards opposite walls, his tongue dangling.
Together, They Are Canterlot Law Enforcement's Last Hope...
We flash through random shots of Princess Celestia and Crackle marching down the street, stopping for doughnuts, helping foals around an urban playground, and interviewing hookers in fishnets at an intersection. In each frame, Crackle is growing progressively more fidgety, until at last we have a shot of him humping a fire hydrant while Celestia stands a few feet away, face-hoofing.
...But Will the City Survive Their Wacky Beat?
"Okay!" Princess Celestia kneels before a giant bomb in the middle of an abandoned parking garage. "We have only one shot at this!" She points at a mess of multi-colored wires spilling out of the guts of the explosive. "Twenty seconds left! Do we cut the red wire or the blue wire—?"
"NOMFFF!" Crackle digs his draconian snout into the bowels of the apparatus and rips all of the wires out at once.
Princess Celestia clasps her gaping wide muzzle. "Crackle, you did it againnnn—!"
KABOOOOOOOOOOM!
The screen fills with terrible CG flame...
...then evaporates to show Crackle and Princess Celestia standing side by side before an office desk deep inside the Canterlot Police Headquarters.
"Dang it!" Fausticorn slams a hoof down on her desk. Chewing a cigar out the side of her muzzle, she adjusts her loose necktie and points at the two. "I'm dealing with enough crap from the big wigs without having to put a leash on you two! Now, how are you going to explain all of the fresh burning craters in the downtown district?!"
"Well, Chief..." Princess Celestia stammers. "You know when you stop a suspicious perp for shoplifting, but it turns out he's actually the one living cork in a giant parasprite huffing operation—?"
"DANG IT!" Fausticorn slams her hoof again. "That's no excuse to go ballistic on the entire town!"
Crackle spontaneously growls: "You (BLEEP)ing shut your (BLEEP) (BLEEP) (BLEEP)ing face, you (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)hole! We're out there, (BLEEP) deep in (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP), trying to keep (BLEEP)ers from plugging (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)s into our (BLEEP)s while (BLEEP)ing (BLEEP)s like you (BLEEP) around in piece of (BLEEP) (BLEEP)heaps like this, smelling your own (BLEEP)s. Just let us do our (BLEEP)ing job, ya smelly (BLEEP), 'cuz nopony else (BLEEP)ing will!"
"Yeah..." Celestia nods aside at her partner. "What he said!"
"Now you listen here, Crackle!" Fausticorn stands up, pointing angrily with her cigar. "You're hard to love!" A beat, and she forms a grizzled smirk. "But you're even harder to hate."
Crackle's eyes swivel. "BLARGH?!?!"
Celestia sighs happily and side-hugs him. "Crackle, you did it again."
More flame wipes... or something...
This Summer...
...Don't Miss
...A Touching Story For the Whole Family.
"Okay!" Celestia shouts, squatting behind an overturned, bullet-riddled desk in the middle of a broken-down apartment. She pumps a shotgun and hollers at the gunpony on the far side of the room. "This is your last chance, criminal scum! Give it up!"
"I'm not criminal scum!" The sweating stallion cocks his AK-47 and snarls back, "I'm just an impoverished pawn caught in a world-wide corporate scheme set into motion centuries ago to support the grossly unequal disproportion of wealth in our economy, and this is my one opportunity to alert the masses through spontaneous acts of drama and violence to promote social change—"
"Too long, didn't listen." Celestia hollers to the ceiling. "Now, Crackle!"
CRAAAAAAACK! The eight-legged dragon bursts through the ceiling above the stallion. He pounces on the thug and digs his jaws deep into his abdomen. "CHOMPPP!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaugh!" The stallion screams bloodily, his eyes rolling back in agony. "My bowels! Oh goddess! It hurts so much! Snkkkktt! I can smell my own breakfast! Brllghhghhl! Oh Goddess, kill me, please! Killllllll meeeeeeeee—"
POWWWW!
Cue another explosion. Celestia and Crackle bursts through, and we freeze-frame on them both in mid jump kick against a wall of flames.
BURNING JUSTICE
Coming To a Theatre Near You
We zoom out from a giant panoramic screen atop a convention hall's stage.
The picture fades to the movie's logo as the theatre lights turn back on.
The large audience fills with happy pony applause.
With a plastic grin, a corporate executive walks back onto stage, wearing a turtle neck and a tiny microphone strapped to his ear. He claps his forelimbs and smiles into the crowd.
"Isn't that wonderful, or what?"
More applause.
"I can tell you first-hoof that everyone on set has been absolutely pumped for the release of Canterlot Cinema's latest blockbuster hit. But we're even more excited in the studio offices. Eh heh heh..."
Tiny bursts of laughter. The spotlight remains focused on him as he paces across the convention stage.
"And you'll be pleased to know that everypony's favorite big screen actress, Princess Celestia, has promised to share thirty percent of her screen earnings from this flick with the Canterlot Society of Police Veterans. So how about a round of applause for this summer's biggest star, huh?"
More applause.
"Yeah! That's right!" The executive grins and salutes somepony off stage. "Now, on to our television lineup. We have something that is guaranteed to excite every stallion, mare, and foal—"
Just then, a loud tumult breaks through the audience. A series of voices echo from the left-hoof side, and a single mare's voice can be heard shouting: "Hah! More like Canterlot Society of Murder Veterans!"
Gasps and murmurs echo from the crowd. The executive on stage looks confused. The spotlight swings off of him. The camera swivels, blurs, then focuses in on a solid line of thirty to forty zebras brushing past the meager security and mounting the stage. Half of them hold picket signs reading "Striped Lives Matter" while the other half are holding their forelimbs up.
"Don't shoot!"
"I'm unarmed!"
"Don't shoot!"
"I'm unarmed!"
A mare leans in and speaks into the executive stallion's microphone, "So what you're telling me is that you're making a film that not only glorifies the number one purveying system of murder in Equestria, but you're actually going to hand out golden bits to a corrupt organization that is responsible for the abominably prejudicial execution of more than five hundred of our striped brothers and sisters every year?!"
"Well... uhmm... I-I..." The executive sweats and shudders nervously. "I-I wouldn't know anything about th-that..." He weakly squeaks to the side. "Security?"
"Hah!" The mare glares. "You know nothing, and yet you're still part of the problem! What with your money-hogging studio of plain white ponies filming plain white actors earning a plain white salary to support a plain white princess sitting high and mighty in her plain white castle! Must be easy waking up every morning, knowing that this kingdom supports everything you do while murdering innocent zebras every day of the week! Do you even know any zebras on the same pay scale as you, or are we all just a bunch of word-rhyming, potion-making, backwoods witch doctors in your eyes?!"
"Uh... er... n-no!" The stallions smiles crookedly. "Why... uh... a few of my best pony friends happen to be... erm... calico!"
"Calico?!" The mare rolls her eyes. "Tch... get out of here, turkey!" She shoves him aside and takes the mic, facing the crowd. "It's about time we all woke up to the injustices of the Equestrian Law Force and the flagrant lies of the corrupt media in this country! I'm saying that it's time to take a stand for the future of all our children! And since we're here at this media convention, let's start with one of the most shamelessly racist organizations of all!" She frowns. "I'm talking about the Alicorn Awards of Arts and Sciences!"