So remember those who win the game
lose the love they sought to gain
In debentures of quality and dubious integrity.—At Seventeen, Janis Ian
The grass was well worn where Grey trained. Princess Luna stood at the north end of the dry patch of lawn, observing everything. Initially, she watched from the veranda, occasionally looking up from her music practice. This pattern was a metaphor of Grey’s life and it was vital that he understand it. Grey’s forms always began with a respectful salutation to the earth, the living creatures and to the heavens. This pattern added a welcome for the arrival of the first full moon of the year.
The initial section was slow and tranquil. The movements were fundamental, basic and methodical. This was the place of stored energy. There was purity, posture and preparation. The battlefield application was severe, cold and aesthetic. There was nothing for Luna to correct.
Then the tempo changed. The movements were very different than the rest of the pattern. Here Grey was dancing, jumping and kicking like a newborn foal. Double hind kicks in great arcs. Spins and cartwheels. It appeared that gravity didn't affect his techniques. Grey flew through the air, hooves first. He jumped over invisible weapons and landed solidly, already attacking imaginary opponents.
Then the pattern changed into something logical. Grey moved as if on uneven ground, yet never looking at his hooves. Visualizing a perfect jump solution before it happened. His forms were no longer dances, following pre-set steps. In his mind, Grey’s opponents were real and deadly. Passion was his reward.
The dynamics changed once again.
He did his best to get through the last quarter of the pattern. Here, he was required to address the problems given to him by Luna in order to move on to the next attack or to counter. To anticipate by adapting to what he had learned in the previous three sections. Grey jumped and kicked and twisted, but he just wasn't achieving it. Luna's patience had a limit.
“I had hoped you could push through this. I see now that your mind is full of downy pink and yellow feathers.”
Grey objected, “I'm good, really. My mind is incredibly focused when I do this. It feels good to be free of distractions.”
“Let's change this exercise to something more dynamic, shall we? It’s time to meet the Dragon Lady.”
Grey piped up, “Oh, she sounds nice.”
He followed Luna into the Everfree Forest. She didn't take a path, Luna made one. She pushed the forest with the dome of her telekinetic magic with exact precision and let a willow branch fly. It whipped Grey across the muzzle.
“Whoopsies, do mind the bushwhacking.”
He rubbed his nose. “Why do ponies say that after the fact? I mean, thank you, Princess.”
Luna's deep violet coat shimmered in long lines. Grey let some distance grow between them. The streaks of refracted light became jagged. The edges of light on her fleece gave the appearance of gleaming overlapping violet petals. Then scales.
“Art thou checking out the Royal flank? We shall tell your girl.”
The tip of Luna's tail whooshed by Grey’s face. It was a cobalt crystal mace with sharp edged craters like a small jeweled moon. “Tell Us, what technique was that?”
Grey caught his breath. “Circular, slower than straight.”
“Correct, but my tail can also be used in a straight technique. As, say, a hammer, to hammer you into the dust. Proper etiquette dictates that I inform my challenger, to be absolutely fair. You have been warned.” A fog was rising. Luna continued, “There are many forms of dragon’s breath. This is simply a mist. I am in the form of an adolescent dragon, thus we are equally matched to you, Guard Pony. To win this game, push the red button.”
“Button, button, who's got the button? I don't get it.”
“If equally matched, we can offer battle.”
“Have you been studying The Art of War as I have requested?”
“Just started. You're right, Princess, I’ve been daydreaming a lot lately.”
“All war is based in deception.”
“If you lose this challenge, I shall deposit your ashes in an envelope and slide it under Fluttershy’s door.”
“Sorry Princess, but ashes go in the compost.”
“Yes, let us keep up this delightful banter. I do so enjoy your quick wit and clever comebacks. Let’s keep them coming, shall we.”
The fog was now shoulder height.
Grey lost sight of Luna for a moment. “I've been reading the book you requested, I'm up to the part about chariots and walled cities. Am I a puller or a rider?”
“Thou art an idiot if you think I haven't mastered this art of war. And I know you are not an idiot, even though thou speaketh as one.”
He knew that her Royal Canterlot voice was also a warning. Grey saw her dragon self. Beautiful and deadly. Scales of sapphire. Facial spikes that would slice an opponent to pieces at a slight twitch of her head. One crystal scale on her breast was raised. It was propped up by a rusted, bent sword. Her exposed flesh was inflamed and red.
A vine went fisst.
“Oh dear, was that a needle shooter? They usually shoot needles no higher than knee height. I do hope it didn't get you any higher, say groin height. Oh, your poor girlfriend if it did. It's not lethal, but it does smart. Does it not?”
Grey bit the thorn that was embedded in his right foreleg. He pulled and spit it out. His leg was swelling quickly and it ached when he put weight on it.
The fog had dissipated a little. Grey could see the ground but nothing past the trees near him.
You want me to talk and give away my position. I don’t think so. Needle shooters have long thin leaves. I have learned and adapted as I should have in the last part of the pattern.
He pushed his way through some sagebrush. “Hnggggg!”
Grey’s facial muscles twitched in agony. He had touched something that burned his left jaw. The salt tears rolling across his face over the mark increased his pain.
Luna’s voice surrounded him, “Oh my. What was that? I didn’t hear a vine shooter. Your response to touching something? A broken ink vine, perhaps? The sap from that vine will leave a blue scar that will never heal. I had hoped that you could handle your way through the Everfree Forest. Perhaps this challenge was too much for you. Do you wish to admit defeat and accept punishment?”
“No thanks, Toots.”
“Snort! Toots? Oh, I see. You wish to anger me so I would reveal my position. And since I make the rules, I shall penalize you for your insolence by making this dragon form one decade more mature.”
“If she is in superior strength, evade her.”
But you did reveal yourself. I saw a small flame and your voice wasn’t thrown, hidden or disguised this time. I could tell where you are. And if you’re bigger you won’t be so stealthy walking through the forest. Now all I need is a plan and a way to implement said plan. Yah, that’s all. Sigh.
I can hear you circling me. You know my position. If you circle I remain still. If you stop, I move. Basic sparring strategy. I must distract you, somehow. I know you've shown me a partial answer, yet I must be original. I know I am fighting for my life and I feel so alive!
Grey gathered all the dry leaves he could find and three strong vines. He tied the vines to willow branches with slip knots. The centre of each branch was tucked behind a stump or tree so it would release in an arc across the ground. He laid out the leaves and staggered across them. The plan was to make as much noise as he could.
Crunch. Crunch-crunch-crunch.
Princess Luna took the bait. “Oh, what an interesting limp you have there, Sir Grey. Please, remain where you are. I shall be there in an instant to ‘take care’ of you.”
Sapphire Crystal Dragon Luna crashed through the forest. Grey faced her. She slowed her advance when she saw him standing still in a clearing with the dry leaves between them.
“Is this surrender? Why do you stay? What trap could you possibly set for Us? Leaves over a hollow. Art thou serious? Behold, my wings are twice as wide as that pathetic pit. Hum, do you want me to walk on your leaves? I can fly or levitate over any hole you dug. And, come to think of it, I did not hear you digging. What failed stratagem is this?”
Grey kicked the slipknot by his hoof. The vine snapped and whorled through the underbrush.
Luna maintained eye contact with Grey. The second vine snapped. Luna turned her ear to the sound and inhaled.
He galloped at her.
The third vine snapped releasing a willow branch that slapped Luna across her upper hind leg. She turned her head enough to roar flames at it. She continued to exhale a blue jet back to Grey but he was under her flare. He jumped and threw himself at her breast. As he did, the sword hidden beneath the scale was driven into her beating heart.
Walking back to the palace, Grey repeatedly apologized profusely for hurting her.
“Please stop being so repentant. You won the challenge. You did not injure me; in fact it was a delightful surprise. Immortals live for surprises and I was prepared in the unlikely event that you were victorious." She winked at him. "Perhaps you could not mention how you won this challenge, for the sake of national security or some other balderdash.”
"Is it safe to ask how many ponies passed this challenge?"
"Mmm. There are some things thou dost not wish to know. The willow branch across the scale has not been the best answer in the past. Thou did well. You are free to leave and see your Fluttershy.”
Grey trembled, “Still, if I hurt you in any way. I touched your royal personage. I hit you and drove a sword into your heart. I was flippant. I broke so many rules of etiquette. I am so sorry.”
“As I so often explain, for an Alicorn, it is all a matter of moving molecules around. And as it was with your little ‘toots’ comment, you will always know instantly when you break a rule important to Us.” Luna nickered, “No guard pony has ever had the courage to call me that. Let me look at you.” She held Grey’s face, pulling the ink vine wound. “This is of vital importance. We are created to remember the bad so we can save ourselves when predators attack again. We end up remembering only the pain and it haunts us. Yes, I said us. We must force ourselves to remember the sweet. We have no mental scar to show for happiness. I order you to meditate on each good thing that happens to you in a day, for five minutes in that day. Now be gone!”
Grey summoned the last of his courage, “Will all due respect, I want to finish this form. I see it for what it is, and now I think I can finish it. The challenge and pain have given me focus. This pattern, it’s the four seasons right? Each part is different in that way. I couldn’t make the transition to autumn.”
Luna sighed to herself. Autumn is the place of wisdom. By no fault of your own, you're not there yet. That is why you had trouble with this section. You should be more concerned that you so easily understood that winter is the place of death. Another clue. I’m starting to wish that you understood some of the clues. Whatever will you be like when you find the answer to the Great Secret? The key that unlocks the doors to wisdom, happiness and truth. You will not be the same creature that entered the storm I created for you, and, I shall miss you.
/]*[\
Grey knocked on Fluttershy’s door. She answered at the second story window holding several red eyed and runny nosed bunnies in a towel. Her mane was partially tucked in a kerchief and she was trying to wipe noses and juggle several baby bottles at the same time.
“I'm sorry I’m late, Fluttershy. I had the honour of training with Princess Luna herself today.” He hoped the excuse would impress her.
“I'm sorry, too, Grey. Can't you see that the bunnies have the snuffles? And the other animals are not healthy, as well. The cottage is under quarantine because of bunny influenza. Oh Grey, what happened to your back?”
“I got singed at work today. I have a great story to tell you.”
“I'm sorry. I feel you let me down. I was counting on you, and now I'm overwhelmed. I can't cope with you and all the poor sick animals. Go away! Go see Twilight!” She closed the window as firmly as she could.
Twilight Sparkle! I have to go see her? Fluttershy didn't even say ‘if that's all right’. This is bad.
Grey hung his head and limped over to the Golden Oak Library.
He knocked at the door and Spike opened it.
Hello Spike. What would you think of me if I told you that I stabbed a dragon in the heart today?
Spike and Grey studied each other for a moment.
Twilight waited for a response from Spike. Hearing none, she came over. “Hello Grey. Oh my, what happened?”
“Luna burned me a little, but that's not what's hurting. Fluttershy sent me away, and I don't know why.” He walked to the centre of the library and stood at attention.
“Oh, this will give me a chance to use one of my healing spells. Spike, take a note. The way to heal burns is to age the skin. In this case, I will age Grey’s damaged skin a few days.” She examined his back. “Oh, my word. This is a third degree burn. Perhaps you should go to the hospital. I’ve never treated anything this serious.”
“Fluttershy saw it and sent me here. I must follow her last instructions to me.”
Spike asked Grey, “Doesn’t it hurt?”
Twilight intercepted his answer, “Third degree burns are full thickness burns. His nerve endings are destroyed. Except around the burn, where I bet it hurts a lot.”
“It does, but Fluttershy’s words hurt more.”
“What happened to your face?”
Grey snapped, “What happened to yours!”
Twilight froze in shock at the unfriendliness and vehemence in his words.
“Sorry, I’m sorry. I got teased a lot growing up, and that was just a reflex. Sorry. I touched a broken ink vine with my stupid face. They leave a painful blue scar. I don't care about that. Why did she send me to you? Not for the healing; I could've gone to the hospital. Why you? Are you my punishment?”
“What? No. What's going on?” Twilight’s horn glowed as she surrounded Grey with a coat of purple magic. His blisters and charred skin softened and a few hairs sprouted from the blackened flesh.
Grey’s skin loosened and he relaxed. “She sent me away;” He sniffed, “And she sent me to you. Fluttershy dumped me! I don't care about the physical pain. The heart pain is so much worse. To answer your question, I got burned at work, training.”
“Oh, training with Luna?”
“Oh, crap. I am so dense. Fluttershy must have been frightened and upset by Luna’s power over me. What have I done? “
“Have you ever considered that you’re overanalyzing the situation? Celestia says, intelligent ponies have doubts because we can see more possibilities. While foals rush in, et cetera. You're not an idiot.”
Grey ground his teeth. “That's twice today I was called ‘not an idiot’. You over-estimate my intelligence, Ms. Royal University of Canterlot. I felt so alive training with Luna. My life was on the line, and as you can see, she wasn’t holding back. Even when I thought I might not survive, I felt high as a kite. And now, I’m low as possible.”
“Ever since I first saw her I imagined, okay I fantasized, that she liked me. I sang with Ponyville ponies we smiled together as a politeness. Then they all went home. I was left alone, standing in the dark. Alone again, naturally. My life was dull and miserable. You can't possibly fathom what it's like every day, fighting, fighting hard not to...” Grey turned his head away and whispered so she couldn't hear, “...fighting not to end my own existence. For a very short time the most beautiful pony ever, liked me. The heroes of Equestria acknowledged my existence. My great princess granted me this one happiness. I feel such agony right now because Luna granted me such happiness. I understand the extremes. That must be the lesson. I am grateful beyond words. I have never been so alive as I have been in the forest of the monsters.”
“Today I was a knight that slayed a dragon for her. Holy manure.”
“Language please. This is still a library and my home.”
“Did Luna know what she was doing? Of course she did. I slayed Dragon Luna for Fluttershy, and, and I screwed it up by staying late and training even when she told me I was done. Luna is massively intelligent. She must have known.”
“What are you looking for?”
“I used to sit on the floor over there and read and hide. Now I want to lie down in my old hiding spot and cry. But I won’t cry in front of you. Go ahead, call me prideful.”
“There is no shame in crying after a breakup. It’s stallion stubbornness I can’t comprehend. Not everything is a challenge, especially relationships. I can't believe Luna would do that.”
“I was hollow without friendship and it was an honour to meet you heroes. Gak, now I'm gushing to you, my least favourite pony.” Grey gulped his tea. “You’re a girl, right?”
“Thank you for noticing.” Twilight was indignant.
Spike was still taking notes of everything said. “Please stop! You two are so alike, yet, you keep trying to pain each other every chance you get. You two need to be kind to each other for a change.”
Grey turned and looked at Spike, “I’m sorry; you’re right and very observant. Twilight, you really should give him some credit.”
“I do, thank you. As for you, Spike, it’s bedtime.”
“Yes!” Spike pumped his fist, threw his notebook at the writing desk and ran upstairs.
“Twilight, my point was, as a girl, have you read any stories where the guy loves the girl more than the girl loves the guy?”
“I was about to utter a platitude.”
“The tired old chestnut, ‘It's better to have loved and lost’?”
“That may be your situation. Mine is more like the owner of a lonely heart is better off than the owner of a broken heart. But then I say, try it! Live it!”
They tapped hooves.
“Do you have anything stronger than tea to drink?”
“No, and it wouldn’t help. That’s a cliché anyway.”
“I don’t even know how to drink. It’s what ponies do in this situation isn’t it? I wanted to tell Fluttershy that I fought Luna and won. I love telling her my stories and listening to her animal stories. Few things make me smile like funny animals. Now it hurts to smile. I wanted to make her feel good by saying that I beat Luna. Remember the time I fought Crystal Dragon Luna? That was going to be my thing. It may be the highlight of my life. I almost died. I have stories to tell, but nopony cares. Fluttershy dumped me all because the bunnies had the stupid sniffles and I wasn't there for her. She didn't trust me enough to help her.That was supposed to be my job, my life. I failed her.”
“Snuffles,” Twilight corrected. “It’s a serious contagious bacterial disease among the leporid.”
“You mean it wasn't a Fluttershy word?” Grey's ears flattened.
“No, it wasn’t, you're just ignorant. As in, you lack knowledge. Don't get mad, again.”
He pulled his ears back, and then sighed. “I respect you heroes of Equestria because you never boast. I wanted to brag to Fluttershy. I'm humbled by your modesty.”
Twilight slid her hoof across the table closer to Grey’s. “So, my brother is captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot.”
Grey let his head fall so it hit the table, “Of course he is.”
“He's getting married next week.”
“And who...”
“Whom,” Twilight corrected.
“...whom, is he marrying?”
“Princess Cadance of the Crystal Empire.”
“Princess Cadance, the new Alicorn. Of course.” Grey sat up and let his head fall and hit the table again. “And I am a captain of one. A honourary title at best. You are so elite and so far removed from me.”
“Both you and Flutershy are invited. If all is well by that time. If not, perhaps you’d like to go with me?”
Twilight’s words didn't register with Grey. “What do I do? My back hurts, my leg hurts, and my face hurts, but my heart aches. I stabbed Luna in the heart today. I’ll bet it didn’t feel this bad. I wanted to tell Fluttershy that. And why on earth did she send me to you? What do you rely on in times like this?”
Twilight Sparkle sang:
♫ I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;♪
Grey:
♫ I am shielded in my armour,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.♪
Together:
♫ I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island…
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries…♪
They made eye contact.
Grey stomped, “No! No more self-indulgence. I almost die every time I get close to that stuff. It’s more deadly than Nightmare Moon in a bad mood. And I am under direct orders from her not to go near my own sadness. I will follow her anywhere. The only time I’m not thinking about Fluttershy is when I’m training hard. So, I will train like noponie’s business and forget about her, and this companionship nonsense. The Everfree Forest keeps me so alert and so aware, I don’t have time for distractions like that. There is a type of grass that will cut right through my hoof if I don’t see it in time. I have two options: One: Spike Discord and I rent a batchers’ pad in Canterlot, or Two: I get fresh water for the chickens. They must have fresh water daily or they’ll get sick too.”
“Where will you sleep?”
“In Ponyville, wherever I lay my head is home. It’s the only place I can get the deep sleep.”
The earth pony leaned back in his chair:
♫...and the earth becomes my throne
I adapt to the unknown
Under wandering stars I've grown
By myself but not alone
I ask no one
...and my ties are severed clean
The less I have the more I gain
Off the beaten path I reign
Rover wanderer
Nomad vagabond
Call me what you will
Anywhere I may roam
Where I lay my head is home…♪
“That’s beautiful, Twilight remarked.
“It’s a song I sing to myself whenever the Black Sad I feel crushes my face into the dirt. I am honour bound to take care of the animals Fluttershy can’t. The chickens always need fresh water. The outside animals need care. Fluttershy’s yard is a mess and I assume she can't leave her cottage when it's under quarantine. I will do my duty, then move on, again. Honour is all I have. Duty and honour. Then I will return to the forest. And only come out when my princess orders it. So when you see me again, I will be on duty and unable to speak. You’ll like that. Thank you for fixing my burns and listening. Maybe that’s why I was sent here. For you to be a sounding board for me.”
Grey bowed to Twilight as he got up, then again at the door. He walked out into the night.
Twilight Sparkle sang:
♫Owner of a lonely heart
Much better than - a
Owner of a broken heart♪
Spike ran down the staircase. “No, no. Not the songs, not the bad songs. Not the sad songs. I know I just said a song too.”
Twilight sang what Spike said:
♫Don't make it bad. Take a sad song and make it better!♪
“I just tried to steal my best friend’s boyfriend. You see, I am a bad friend. I failed as a friend. I failed at friendship.”
“I thought they broke up?” Spike queried.
“That doesn’t sound like the way Fluttershy would breakup with anypony. They’re both inexperienced at this relationship stuff. But look who’s talking. I wonder what he’ll be like once he's figured his life all out.”
Spike said, “Like all those other guard ponies that look down at me and snort. “Did he really stab Luna in the Heart?”
“I doubt that’s possible. He was probably trying to use it as a metaphor. The way he talked about loneliness, Grey really got me with that. I failed a major friendship trial.”
“Not really. He was too dumb to see and who wants a dumb boyfriend anyway. You both like tests, right? You were testing him and you both passed.”
“Oh Spike, I'm fine. I just want a day off.”
“No, I’ve outlawed it. I can't lose you for a day or two like Canterlot. Bad things happen when you’re in bed all day. We're in Ponyville now. You’re one of the heroes of Equestria; you’re needed. It's better here. You have so many friends. Let's have a Pinkie Pie party?”
Spike dug through a trunk and pulled out a long coat. “Let's dance like in the old days. You don’t want that stupid guard pony. We talked about this. You are going to find your prince.”
“Oh, Spike, I failed a major friendship test. What could be lower? I must take the honourable path and tell her.”
♫You - lose yourself
No not for pity's sake
There's no real reason to be lonely
Be yourself
Give your free will a chance
You've got to want to succeed♪
“See Spike, I’m better now.”
“No. No you’re not. Not when you say ‘for pity’s sake’ like that. I don’t want to lose you for a day of indulgence, a day of self-indulgence, a day of being gone in bed. Princess Celestia says ‘bed is a trap that you must avoid’. Your ‘catatonic state of being’ as she calls it. I feel as if your dead and it terrifies me so much. I, I cry when your gone. I hate it. You deserve better than a guard pony. If that dumb guard pony can avoid his own sadness, you can too. You deserve your prince!”
Spike floated in his long coat and feathered hat.
“I just need a day off, is all.”
“No. I forbid it. "The baby dragon cried," I can’t lose you again. Life is better here, we have friends here. If you spend a day or two in bed, not talking, not moving, it’s like you’re gone or worse. Dance with me, please.”
Twilight’s horn glowed and Spike was raised off the floor. A large hat with a long feather landed on his head. He floated in Twilight’s magic and they danced.
“Oh Spike, I’m okay. Oh Spike, let me hug you. Oh Spike. Oh Spike.” Twilight held him tight and sobbed.
/]*[\
The windows opened and birds flew out. As the pet door opened, the small dogs and cats ran to fresh air and freedom. Several inquisitive bunnies moved out, sniffing the air. The last few back-peddled, as if they were being pushed. The door opened a crack. Grey walked cautiously over. Fluttershy grabbed him around the neck and pulled him in.
“I'm sorry, but you broke quarantine, you naughty pony. You know I was watching you fix the kitty coops and the doggie houses. I saw you cleaning the yard, all muscly ‘n stuff. Do you know what that does to a girl? Now I’m going to have to nurse a sick boyfriend all day. Are you feeling any symptoms?”
“Well yes, I do feel a little weak in the knees.”
“Oh, I'm so sorry I was playing a thank you game for helping around the yard. Now I really made you sick!”
“No, no. I'm just playing along and I think I love this game.”
“Well, I’m sorry I made you feel that way. I made some chicken noodle soup for you. If that's all right.”
“What?”
“Chicken bathwater soup. It has super healing qualities. And I’m going to feed it to you. What is this mark?”
Grey touched the left side of his face. “My new scar from the Everfree Forest. I’m going to use it to remind me of happy times like this. I have a scar for happiness. But it hurts when I smile.”
“Poor baby. I’m sorry; I may have to teach you how to kiss all over again.”
Grey raised his eyebrows looking hopeful. “So, we didn’t break-up?”
“Where did you get such a silly notion? Did that naughty Twilight Sparkle put that idea in your noggin? I hope she didn’t make a pass at you.”
“What? No! She hates me.”
Ian, Janis. At Seventeen. Between the Lines, vinyl. 1974, Columbia Records.
Sun Szu, The Art of War, edited with a foreword by James Clavell (New York: Dell Publishing, 1983), p. 16.
Ibid. p. 11
Ibid. p. 11
Simon & Garfunkel. I Am A Rock. Sounds of Silence, vinyl. 1965, Columbia.
Metallica. Wherever I May Roam. Metalica, vinyl. 1992, Elektra.
Yes. Owner of a Lonely Heart. 90125, vinyl. 1983, Atco.
Beatles. Hey Jude. 7” single. 1968, Apple.
Yes. Owner of a Lonely Heart. 90125, vinyl. 1983, Atco.