Walking away from his old life in Ponyville, a distraught pony enters the Everfree forest and into Nightmare Moon’s web.
A low cast earth pony unwittingly trapped in an Alicorn game; the game of the gods that will bring the realm to the brink of destruction.
To survive is to win, but against an Alicorn…?
Will he be her pawn, or emerge her knight?
The Road; The Important Journey:
The stray wants to belong, he wants to stay
The Nightmare invites him to play
He has never won a game
Much to his shame
If he rejects fame
Who will remember his name?
He will stay, and play
To her, he is merely, the prey
To him, her affection, is an obligation
He can never repay
Friends, could he betray?
To live, simply walk away
Leave the fallen where they lay
He’ll never see another day
Poor little Grey
He came such a long way.
Some quick tips.
The formatting on this story is terrible. If you are going to use one line spacing, at least indent your paragraphs.
Don't start your story with a boring character background. No one will care about your OC unless you give them a reason, and this just feels like trying to memorise data from a history book.
Your story has many misused words, and bad grammar structures. You may want to be more careful when proofreading.
The story feels very disjointed, and it is hard to follow the flow of the narrative when it keeps jumping all over the place. Work on painting more consistent scenes, and giving better details.
2560911
is spelled out not an emoticon.
Forgiveness please, is first time.
I appreciate all the help I can get.
For example, when I tried to edit, the cursor is very slow and I only get the code, bold is
On my bio
Please be patient with me. I'm having editing issues. I just tred to add author's note and it disapeared. I can’t italicize Grey’s thoughts or bold/italicize his negative thoughts.
Dusty Miller.
Have to say I really enjoy how 'mortal' Little Grey is. His inner dialogue is humorous. Celestia and Luna's behavior and speech seem authentic. Waiting too long between chapters though.
I really love the backbone Grey is developing. Great read!
Chapter One was reviewed by the Writer in Residence program in my area. Spelling, grammar and Said Tags have been cleaned up.
I think this story is very well written. The character although while simple allows the reader to see how he reacts to certain situations. I definitely give this a like and a favorite.
Sincerely,
TOPO
4140873
TOPO,
Thank you for your comment. My writing is about my OC's reaction to certain situations. Then I came up with a plot. Then a climax and conclusion. That was a very good day.
Oh man, aren't timberwolves so stupid?
4285753,
Thanks again. Or perhaps White Oak knew that discretion is the better part of valor.
I think the next antagonist Grey runs into may be a little more discerning.
Love the trolling.
Wellvthis has gotten even more interesting. I am hanging of the edge of my seat to see what happens next.
I just read chapter one and I'm really enjoying it so far, i hope the other chapters deliver to me as much as the first has!
On to the next chapter!
UnibrowSheepZ,
Thanks for the message. Yes I'm the Discord from BronyCAN that won Best in Show. As soon as my proofreader finishes, I'll upload my writing contest submission. Enjoy.
I would ask for a cake X3
Yes Grey, you love dishes. You love hard work. You love Fluttershy!
However Twilight might love youuuu
Fantastic story! You know, from your description I was expecting something different. I like this better
The thing I like about this story is that the chapters can be interpreted as happy and sad.
interesting :3
You fans are the best (both of you). You see right through me.
I create a problem then solve it. My writing is my Narrative Therapy. Writing this fic is my hobby. I'm sorry I'm so slow uploading chapters. I want it to last forever but I know it won't.
A quick martial art chapter coming up, then let's see what's it like to date Fluttershy with her friends, shall we.
Very good. Can't wait for more. :)
I luv it! So much. You write gud my friend.
Hehe, love that. Kiss of the ant eater thingy? Priceless
Can't wait for more
A bit confusing, but I like your writing style. Very nice ^-^
Tis the sun tha' follows th' moon. For when Nightmare stopped the moon the sun could' not rise
Dude you are making me hate Luna here...STOP IT!
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Was Luna's dry wit with a small bit of truth in it. She will give him clues. (If only he was smart enough to get them). Please continue reading. Perhaps Grey will be sent to some sort of Guard Pony Academy (chapter 14).
Our Princess of the Night has a history too. Come back when I upload a chapter titled, 'When Alicorns Cry'. It'll be a while though.
6100073 alright. I shall read a little more.
Just an FYI: This chapter needs to be re-formatted. It's like a wall of text.
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Thank you for the catch. Paragraphs will remain indented unless manually edited. This chapter must have self edited itself back to standard.
Minor revisions 2021-01-19.
That very awkward moment when I specially built myself a house in a dangerous forest for solitude, but they found you anyway. :)
SWEET A UPDATE