Okay, I’ve accepted many things in this world. I’ve seen Rainbow Dash ignore the laws of physics as I know them. I’ve seen magic. Yet, unless the library is some kind of TARDIS, there is no way this many ponies can be inside here. I swear most of Ponyville is in here! How, I don’t know. I probably never will. Maybe I should just write it off as another of the impossibilities this world seems to enjoy throwing at me.
At least there’s some alcohol here. That should help.
Justin pushed open the door to be greeted by an incredible sight. Firstly was the sheer number of ponies. Then, the balloons. The last thing he registered before he was accosted by a bouncing pink something was the large towering cake at the back of the room.
“You’re here, you’re here, you’re here!” it screamed at him in a shrill voice. “I finally get to meet you! Usually I’m the first to meet the new ponies that come to Ponyville, but this time I didn’t get to because I’m not allowed in the clinic unless I’m actually sick which meant that all my friends got to see you first! When you left I was gonna say something but then I saw you weren’t a pony and I knew that I had to throw a super-special welcoming party! It took me a whole extra day to plan it but it was worth it!” All that came out in one single breath, which alarmed Justin. The pony took a very deep breath. “I can’t believe I forgot to tell you my name! I’m Pinkie Pie!”
Justin blinked, trying to register everything he had just heard. After about ten seconds he decided to give up and focus solely on the last part. “I’m Justin,” he said hesitantly.
“Justin? Justin time?” Pinkie giggled at her own joke. “Don’t be silly, there’s plenty of time! This party’s gonna go all night!” And with that she quite literally bounced away, leaving Justin very confused.
“What just happened?” he asked after blinking several times.
“That was Pinkie Pie,” Twilight responded.
“Did she get into the ‘special cider’ already?”
“Nope,” Rainbow replied. “That’s how she normally is.” Justin went silent, letting that sink in. If that was how she was sober, the idea of a drunk Pinkie Pie filled him with dread. He shuddered at the thought. Rainbow saw this and nodded. “It ain’t pretty,” she said as though she could read his mind. “Trust me.”
“Hey guys,” a familiar voice called out. They all turned to see Applejack trot calmly towards them. “What’cha talkin’ about?”
“The subject of my nightmares,” Justin replied darkly.
The farm pony turned to Rainbow Dash for clarification. “He imagined what Pinkie Pie is like when she’s drunk,” the pegasus explained.
The apple farmer shuddered as well. “Ah can see where’s he comin’ from.” She went and nudged Justin’s leg. “Don’t you worry none, sugarcube. Pinkie ain’t goin’ anywhere near the cider tonight.”
“Thank gods,” he muttered. He looked around and saw that Twilight had vanished into the crowd of ponies. “Say,” he said slyly, “can I ask you girls something?”
“Sure thing, sugarcube. Just as long as it ain’t anythin’ really stupid.”
“Go for it.”
“Will you help me get Twilight drunk?”
Applejack looked as though she had been asked to set fire to her apple orchard. “What? Why would Ah do somethin’ like that for?”
“It’s not like that, Applejack. He just wants to see the egghead let her mane down.”
Justin blinked before realising what Applejack had thought. “Woah! No! We’re completely different species! Where I’m from, that kind of thing is illegal. And damn weird.” This seemed to reassure her immensely.
“Well,” Applejack said slowly, “if’n all ya wanna do is see Twi drunk, then Ah don’t see why not. But if Ah get wind that you did somethin’ t’her,” she grabbed Justin’s shirt and pulled him down so their eyes were level, “we’re gonna have words.”
Justin simply chuckled. “Don’t worry. The worse that’ll happen is me drawing on her face when she falls asleep.”
“All right!” Rainbow shouted, causing more than a few of the ponies to stare at her. “Sorry.”
“We’re gonna need a plan,” Justin said conspiratorially. “Do you think we can get Spike to help?”
“Not likely,” Applejack answered. “He’s the one that has ta deal with Twilight tomorrow when she’s all hungover.”
“Right,” he muttered, scratching his chin. “Say, how strong is this cider, anyway?”
Applejack began to chuckle. “Ya’ll in for a treat, Justin! Follow me.”
She led the human through the throng of ponies towards a barrel bigger than her on a precarious wooden stand. Justin let out a low whistle. “That’s a lot of booze.”
“Hey, Applejack, get me some too, would ya?” Rainbow asked from above.
Applejack grinned and got two largish cups and passed both to Justin, who passed one to Rainbow. Justin took a look at the cloudy orangey-yellow liquid within. “Bottoms up!”
“Never had cider before,” Justin muttered before taking a sip. It tasted very strongly of apples, but not overwhelmingly so. Before he knew it he had downed the entire cup.
“Ah take it ya liked it then?”
“I’ve had stronger, but it never tasted this good.” Justin wiped his mouth with his arm.
“You’ve had stronger!?” Rainbow asked. Justin turned to her and saw her face was already flushed. Her eyes were slightly out of focus and her wings were beating slightly out of time, causing her to jerk about unstably. “You’re bucking with me.”
“And you’re a lightweight,” Justin retorted, taking another cup of the cider.
“What?” Rainbow asked, landing with a small thud. “I am not a lightweight! You take that back!”
Justin couldn’t help but smile at how aggressive the pegasus had gotten. “Hey, I’m bigger and heavier than you. That means I can take more before it’ll knock me out.”
Rainbow’s brain slowly processed this information. “That... that makes sense.” She tried to take flight again but ended up propelling herself into Justin’s chest, making him spill his cup of cider all over the mare.
“Watch it!” Justin let out a growl. “Now you’re all wet.” Rainbow found that immensely amusing, and a moment later he facepalmed. “I should have seen that coming,” he muttered angrily.
“Yeah, ya walked right inta that one,” Applejack replied with a laugh.
Rainbow’s mane hung limp in front of her eyes as she sat on her haunches, chuckling like an idiot. “Gimme some more, AJ.”
“No, Rainbow, you’ve had too much already,” Applejack replied harshly. “Ya’ll gonna wake up tomorrow haitn’ me if Ah do.”
“Why is Rainbow gonna hate you?” a voice asked from right next to Justin, making him jump.
“AARRGH!” Justin yelled out, turning to see the source. It turned out to simply be Pinkie Pie, staring up at him innocently.
“Hi!”
“Hey, Pinkie,” Applejack replied as though this occurred every day.
“Hi Applejack!” Pinkie suddenly let out a gasp far louder than anything her size should have been capable of and pointed a shaking hoof at the barrel behind the farm pony. “Is that your ‘special cider’?” she asked excitedly. Justin mused that there weren’t words that existed in the English language (or whatever they called it in Equestria) to aptly describe Pinkie Pie’s behavior. ‘Strange’ could only scratch the surface, as would ‘bizarre’. Justin decided that he would need to invent new words.
“It is and you ain’t gettin’ any.” Applejack’s tone had become very businesslike, making it obvious to anypony that she was in no mood for any nonsense.
“I know,” Pinkie replied cheerily. “I was just pointing it out.” She turned to Justin wearing what could only be described as an alarming smile. “Have you had any cake yet?”
“Uhh, no?” Justin answered, a little scared at the size of her smile. That shouldn’t be possible, he thought to himself.
“Well that’s no good! You need to try some!” Without further warning she grabbed a hold of his shirt with his teeth and pulled him gently and firmly towards the mountainous cake he had seen earlier. It was easily as big as Pinkie, which raised the question of how she had baked it and gotten it inside the library. Then he noticed the sheer amount of sweets. He caught himself wondering how the ponies hadn’t gotten diabetes yet.
“Hey hey hey hey hey!” Justin said as he was dragged along. “Watch it, you’ll rip this thing, its the only one I got!”
Pinkie let him go and immediately shoved a plate of cake into his hands. How she did that with her hooves escaped him. “Here! There’s cupcakes and muffins and pastries and pies and candy and chocolate and - ” She didn’t get any further as Rainbow, who had been following from behind, pied Pinkie in the face. She didn’t seem to care, instead using an impossibly long, impossibly prehensile tongue to lick all the filling and crust off her face. Before she could say anything, Justin shot back with a question.
“Say, your name. It that ‘Pie’ as in the food, or “Pi” as in the mathematical concept?” he asked in an attempt to distract her from listing the large assortment of food on the table.
Pinkie began to giggle manically. “The food, silly! I know all the numbers of pi, though! Three point one four one five nine two six five three five eight nine seven nine - ” This time Rainbow shoved her hoof into her mouth, shooting Justin a very nasty look. He could tell from her glare that she was wondering what he had been thinking.
Rainbow kept her hoof there for a minute, Pinkie Pie still mumbling around it undeterred. When the pegasus finally let the pink pony talk again she said “And the the final digit of pi is seven!” She didn’t seem to notice the stunned stares she was getting and quite literally bounced away with a cheerful “Have fun!”
“What the hell just happened?” Justin asked after regaining control of his mouth.
“I... I have no idea,” Rainbow replied truthfully.
“I think she just recited the entirety of pi.”
“Who did what?” They both turned and saw Twilight behind them.
“Pinkie Pie,” Rainbow replied. That was all that needed to be said.
“Of course,” the unicorn replied knowingly. She turned to Justin, who was still trying to make sense of what he had just witnessed. “Don’t try to understand Pinkie Pie, Justin. It doesn’t end well.”
“Yeah, you should know!” Rainbow said loudly, laughing. “You tried to figure out her Pinkie Sense!” She kept laughing, drawing a few stares.
“I don’t know why she drinks,” Twilight muttered. “This always happens.”
“She’s just having fun,” Justin said as he took a bite from the cake. “Oh wow this is good.”
“Pinkie Pie is the best baker in Ponyville. That’s why she works at Sugarcube Corner.”
“You mean that crazy gingerbread house?” Justin asked, taking another bite. He wasn’t sure what was in it, and he didn’t care.
“It ain’t gingerbread,” Rainbow muttered from her place on the floor. “Trust me, I’ve tried.”
“I was wondering who took a bite out of the roof last week,” Twilight mused.
“I was drunk,” Rainbow replied moodily.
“Of course you were,” the unicorn muttered, rolling her eyes.
“What have you got against alcohol, anyway?” Justin asked, eyebrow raised.
Twilight simply pointed at Rainbow, who was now stumbling about on the ground. “What are you lookin’ at?” she asked before losing her balance, her words slurred.
“She really is a lightweight,” Justin muttered. He picked up Rainbow and hoisted her over his shoulder. “Come on, you.”
“Whoo!” the pegasus yelled out drunkenly. She started smacking Justin’s back with a hoof. “Faster!”
“How much did you drink?”
“She got two more cups when I wasn’t lookin’.” Justin turned and saw Applejack looking at Rainbow’s flank in disapproval. “That girl knows she can’t handle that stuff, yet every time she does this.”
“She likes the feeling I guess,” Justin said, shrugging. This jostled the pegasus enough to make her turn and look at Justin.
“Hey,” she said drunkenly. “Lookit me.”
“Huh?” He turned, his mouth slightly open. This turned out to be a mistake as Rainbow took this opportunity to press her lips against his and shove her tongue into his mouth. Justin reacted by simply going numb from shock. It took him a moment to realise the enormity of the situation: He was being Frenched by a pony. He was being Frenched. By. A. PONY. He pulled away and began scratching at his tongue with his free hand. “Oh god!”
“Huh?” Rainbow asked, her tongue still sticking out. “Thomething wrong?”
“Rainbow!” Applejack yelled out, her voice a mix of shocked and angry. “What in tarnation were ya thinkin’?”
“I thought he wanted it,” she answered, a little confused herself. “I mean, he picked me up.”
“Because you were lying on the ground,” Justin replied, still trying to get rid of the taste of Rainbow Dash. “I wasn’t just going to leave you there.”
“Oh.” She was silent for a moment before she slumped back down. “Sorry,” she muttered.
Why would Rainbow think like that? I mean, I explained this to Applejack earlier! We are different species. Yes, Rainbow is nice. She’s fun. She even gets some of my jokes. But really, it won’t work. Even if we could work around the whole species thing, which won’t happen, she loves flying too much. She’ll get sick of staying at ground level, I can tell.
I should just forget that even happened. She’ll regret this in the morning, I’m sure.