“People assume that time is a strict progression of cause to effect, but *actually* from a non-linear, non-subjective viewpoint - it's more like a big ball of wibbly wobbly... time-y wimey... stuff.”
― Steven Moffat
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Time Turner tentatively peeked out the chamber door. They were in a clearing in a forest. Young saplings and shorts trees rustled in a crisp morning breeze. Birds chirped and sang as bugs buzzed and twittered.
Behind the Doctor stood Derpy Hooves, Roseluck, and Carnegie Porter. They too were peeking about, making sure that no monsters or angry buckwheat farmers wielding pitchforks would dash out and whip their flanks into leather. Carnegie let out a belch and it echoed across the clearing, scaring a large flock of pigeons. The others shot glares at him.
"What? Better out me gob than out me arse."
Time Turner leapt from the carriage, landing with a thud onto the thick grass. He motioned for the others to follow. Derpy simply fluttered down, and hovered beside the Doctor. Carnegie leapt down, and in a desperate attempt to look cool, he ended up tripping and landing hard on his plot. Roseluck carefully shimmied down the high carriage, and stood gracefully next to Carnegie Porter, who was rubbing his tender flank. He looked about the woods apprehensively.
"Well, this doesn' seem that bad, eh?" Porter said aloud.
And of course that was when things went to Tartarus.
Tall, elegant creatures with long creamy antlers burst from the undergrowth, surrounding them. Deer. Several bucks sauntered up to Carnegie and Time Turner, completely ignoring Derpy and Roseluck. Time Turner leaned back, away from the looming deer. Carnegie simply stood taller, ignoring the pain of his rump.
"Oye, me arse is hurtin' an' I haven' had a drop of liquor for a good ten minutes. If I were ya, I'd make this one quick, 'cause then it's just easier for the lot of us. Otherwise I'm gonna have ta teach ya lesson. About leaving Carnegie Porter the hell alone when he's in a bad mood."
The tallest deer, a golden buck flecked with white and brown, snorted.
"Pony. You are trespassing on deer land. You are not allowed here."
"This must be when ponies started to build upon Equestria, before it was just farms and trade posts. Now we're talking cities." Time Turner whispered in explanation.
"The cowardly one is right. You ponies have taken much of our land, and we do not plan on giving anymore to your greed."
"See? I was right. Wait... did he call me cowardly?"
"Now your options are this. Leave now or be taken prisoner."
Before Time Turner could agree to leave, Porter let out a shout. Time Turner resisted the urge to facehoof.
"Nah, I think we'll be stickin' around right here! This'll be pony land, soon. Hoorah and what not. 'Questria! Now lemme grab a few bottles of gin an' we can..." The other deer had leaned in, poking at Carnegie's throat with their antlers. The drunken light brown stallion gulped and took a step back.
"...Orrrr we can be your prisoners. That's a good plan, too."
"Ouch! Didja have ta be so rough? How come I 'ave to be one that's trussed up?"
Carnegie Porter had been hog-tied to a long tree branch with vines, and was being carried by the antlers of two silent bucks. More deer, stags and does, and even a few fawns had encircled them, cutting off any chance of escape. Except for Derpy, but she had flat-out refused to leave them to save herself. Now the three of them shuffled, hooves bound by ropes of vine. They had been walking for roughly an hour, and the whining Porter was starting to sober up.
"Lemme down already, ya dirty barbarians! My ankles're crampin' up an' I need summore Celestia-damned alcohol!"
Time Turner was analyzing the situation, mapping out possible escapes. Saving Porter was optional of course, simplifying his analysis. They were surrounded by roughly thirty deer. The leader was ahead of them, followed by the two giants carrying Carnegie Porter. Derpy, if she could, could fly over them, carrying at least one of them. She could carry off him, Roseluck, or the hog-tied Porter. He was about to tell her to save Porter when they reached the deer village.
It was less of a village and more of a circle of huts around a thick tree that stood maybe thirty stories tall. It had been hollowed out, and turned into a fortress. Instead of lanterns, clear glass globes of fireflies and glowing breezies lit the village as the sun began to sink below the horizon. The view was breath-taking, and the size of the fortress made Time Turner, Roseluck, and Derpy feel small and insignificant.
Carnegie Porter, meanwhile, felt otherwise.
"Oye! We're here, jus' lemme down already! I've got rights! Ya can't keep me tied like this! I demand ta see me lawyer!"
Of course, the deer ignored his cries as the ponies were lead into the giant hollow tree. It was easily two hundred meters wide. Inside, a swirling ramp led all the way up to the top, the ramp showered with little shops, stalls, and groups of deer discussing various things. It was amazing to the three ponies, slowly trotting along beside their elegant captors. They had stopped once along the way to gag the bellowing stallion, and soon his muffled protests went unheard.
They had finally reached the top. Several benches stood to one side of the oblong room, facing a large dark wooden door. The bucks holding them captive directed the ponies to the benches. They leaned Porter's stick on the wall, letting him hang from it. Carnegie Porter said nothing but his glare spoke volumes.
"The King will see you now," said a pretty honey doe, peeping in from the cracked door. It swung open, revealing a bright ornate room. In the center of the room sat a living throne made from woven vines and flowers. Upon the throne sat a powerful, enormous stag.
"King Gracefoot. Chief of the Equestrian deer from 2005 B.C. to 1945 B.C. He was the leader of the deer when Earth ponies and unicorns began to immigrate here, forcing them off their lands." Time Turner mumbled in a hushed voice. The mares looked to the handsome imperial stag with wide eyes. Carnegie Porter grunted and glared at King Gracefoot.
"Unbind the brewer." The King commanded.
"Wait, how did you know he was a brewer?" Time Turner asked, genuinely curious.
"He reeks of alcohol, the poison that you ponies have introduce to my deer."
Carnegie fell to the floor painfully as they cut his bindings. As soon as he was un-gagged, he started to nag.
"Do ya have ANY idea how painful that bloody trip has been? Me ankles are sore an'..." He trailed off as he realized the King boring fire into his soul. He shut up, knowing it's probably not best to piss off the bloke who is keeping you alive.
"Now. You ponies have already sent us many bottles of liquor. We have had them dumped in the river. We have no desire to ingest your toxic water."
"Ponies entering Equestria used alcohol to get deer addicted, and then they would sell them beer for land." Time Turner explained in a whisper.
"Now. Why have you sent more representatives? Especially that disgusting, foolish drunk."
"Hey! I resent that remark." Porter shouted, followed by a loud "Ow!" as a guard clonked him over the head.
"Well, you see, we're not representatives, per se..." Time Turner began, shrinking back as the King drew his gaze over them.
"We are simply travelers, and we have run out of fuel..."
"Fuel? For a fire? You are in a forest, pony. There are fallen trees everywhere for you to burn."
"No no no. The fuel we need is... what did they call it in this time... black water?"
The King scratched his chin with a cloven hoof.
"We may have a few barrels. But we are not willing to give away our black water. We will sell it to you."
"Sell it...?"
"Yes, we will sell it to you for-," He raised a hoof, pointing it directly at Carnegie, still rubbing his head, "-him."
All four ponies gasped.
"WHAT?"
Time Turner kept his cool.
"I'm sorry, but Carnegie Porter, annoying though he may be, is still my friend and responsibility, and I cannot sell him to you as a slave."
The King cackled, much to their confusion.
"My little ponies, you misunderstand. I only wish to hire him for but a single evening."
Now it was Carnegie's turn to speak.
"What... for, gov?"
"We wish to get you sober. So you may be shown to my bucks, who have unfortunately succumbed to alcoholism. Your mark is that of alcohol is it not?"
"Well, yeah. It's the first draft beer I ever served somepony."
"If I can show them that a pony who brews alcohol can unbind himself from it's grasp, then maybe they will come to their senses and return to the ways they once were."
All the ponies, even Carnegie, looked at each other in worry. Porter had never been sober a day in his life since his first sip of alcohol. A sober Porter? It was unthinkable.
But Carnegie Porter surprised them all by saying.
"Fine. I'll do it. I'll get sober an' talk to the lil' wankers."