THE DERPY REPORT
Part 7. Derpy Hooves
Derpy was sitting under a small bridge as she counted the stones in the wall; 66 stones from the bottom left, then up 42 stones. She tapped each of them with her hoof until she reached a rock that felt noticeably loose. She wiggled it back and forth until she could remove it. Behind the stone she found two small bags containing her belongings and she put the spoon in one of them before placing the bags on her back.
She walked trough the town and made her way up to Cranky and Matilda's house. After three loud knocks, the female donkey opened the door and looked pleasantly surprised at the pony outside.
“Oh hello, Derpy! Is it Friday already?” she said.
“Yup,” Derpy replied.
“Time flies, huh?” Matilda chuckled. Hearing the commotion at the door, Cranky let out a grunt from inside the house.
“Who is it?” he asked.
“Oh, it's just Derpy,” Matilda turned around and said to him. “She's gonna stay with us over the weekend, if that's okay.”
“Again?” Cranky asked in his usual sardonic tone, but he didn't protest further and Derpy skipped happily through the door. The donkeys’ home was old-fashioned and rustic, with patterned wallpapers and copper pans as wall decorations.
“Did you use the bits I gave you last week?” Matilda asked while they were both standing in the hall.
“A little. I bought some muffins, but I got them cheap.”
“Well, that's good. But Derpy, you can't survive only on sweets. You need to eat properly. I'm afraid you missed dinner, but I can heat some leftovers for you, if you want. We had carrot soup.”
“Sounds yummy!” Derpy exclaimed.
The soup was indeed yummy. The extra time it had to simmer in the pot hadn’t hurt the taste; if anything, the flavour had been improved. The carrots absorbed the warm broth and added a welcome touch of salt to the otherwise savoury taste of the vegetables.
Derpy was drinking the soup straight from the bowl and Matilda joined her at the table for some polite dinner discussion.
“So, how was your day?” she asked.
“It was great! I got to talk to some ponies, they told me a lot of interesting stuff. How was your day?”
“Oh, same old, same old.”
Derpy turned her attention back towards the bowl and the donkey fell silent since she couldn’t get a word in edgewise between Derpy’s content slurping. Once the bowl was empty and Derpy had licked up the last broth-infused crumbs from the bottom of it, she looked up towards Matilda and asked her a question.
“Can I use your kitchen, please?”
“Oh? Are you gonna bake something?”
“No, I just wanna wash a few things.”
“Okay,” Matilda said, then added in a slightly worried tone: “Just be careful.”
Against her better judgment, Matilda left her alone in the kitchen and Derpy emptied the smaller bag onto the sink. A couple of trinkets fell out: a small bubbler, a collection of keys, and the spoon. All of them in dire need of some water and soap.
She dunked them all in water and held each one up in her mouth as she dried them off with a towel. When it was time for the spoon, she picked it up and admired her own distorted, upside-down reflection.
Something Derpy had discovered is that there were things ponies wouldn't tell you if you just approached them on the street and asked them, but would open up about if you had a microphone. And there are things ponies would tell you if you asked them casually that they would never tell you if you had a recording device.
A spoon was the best of both worlds; it made ponies not take you so seriously that they'd lie to you, but it still made them aware that you where taking the interview seriously. The spoon had given her the opportunity to listen to some really interesting stories and it made her happy.
Matilda entered the kitchen and saw Derpy holding up a lone piece of silverware.
“What a nice spoon,” she said politely.
“It is okay,” Derpy said and put it into the bag. “Maybe not a great spoon, but I like it.”
“You're not leaving already?” Matilda asked asked as Derpy was gathering her stuff.
“Oh no, I'm just going upstairs to write for a bit, if that's okay.”
Derpy made her way to the second floor and there was once again a knock on the door. Cranky muttered something about their house not being a train station, but Matilda rushed to answer it.
“Oh, hello Twilight!” she said to the visitor.
“Hi Matilda! You don't happen to know where Derpy is do you? I mean it's Friday and she's usually here on Fridays-”
She was interrupted by the sound of a pony galloping and Applejack appeared at the door-frame.
“Did I hear you talkin’ about Derpy?” Applejack asked, panting slightly from the run. “I've been lookin’ all over for her!” She unloaded the bucket of apples she was carrying. “Granny Smith told me to give her this and tell her something ‘bout 'No snitchin'. I got no idea of what's goin’ trough her mind.”
Twilight glared at Applejack from the corner of her eyes.
“Excuse me, but I was talking here. You can't just butt in like that!”
“Can so!” Applejack protested. “Do you have any idea how long I've been carryin’ these Celestia-forsaken apples around?”
They kept arguing as Matilda just looked on in confusion.
Outside of the house, a mysterious figure in a fashionable outfit was stalking. She tossed a grappling hook up to the window and scaled the wall. Using magic, she opened the window and sneaked in.
She arrived in an empty guest bedroom with Derpy's belongings on the bed, but she ignored those and instead set her sights on the pile of parchments that was sitting on the nightstand. The documents looked Innocent enough, but could contain any number of possibly juicy secrets. Carefully, she inched up towards them and...
“SURPRISE!” Pinkie Pie appeared from under the bed in a flurry of confetti and streamers.
“What the hay?!” Rarity yelled. Pinkie Pie smiled, still lying on the floor.
“I saw you sneaking around Matilda's house and I assumed we were planning a surprise party, so I was practicing my ‘Surprise!’” Pinkie Pie said, and then she noticed Rarity's outfit. “Oh, Is it supposed to be a costume party?”
Rarity took offense to this.
“What? Costume? This isn't a costume. It is my extremely fashionable, sneaky ninja suit. How do you like it?” She bobbed her head to bring attention to the scarlet jumpsuit she wore. As an accessory, she had a white headband with the word “NINJA” written on it.
“It's... nice.” Pinkie Pie said. “Very stealthy.”
Their argument was interrupted by Derpy's voice from the adjacent room.
“Who's there?” it said. “A-a-are you ghosts?” They could hear hoofsteps as Derpy made her way into the guest bedroom.
Panic was rising from inside Rarity. She looked around in vain for a place to hide, but Pinkie Pie grabbed her and dragged her under the bed.
Derpy's head appeared from the door-frame. She looked around the room, eyes focused on different corners.
“Alright,” Pinkie Pie whispered to Rarity. “On three we both jump out.”
“Jump out?” Rarity said. “When we just found a place to hide?“
Undeterred, Pinkie Pie started the countdown.
“3...”
“Don't you think...”
“2...”
“...that this is a bad-”
“1!”
“Noo!”
“SURPRISE! HAPPY UN-BIRTHDAY!” Pinkie Pie shouted as they both reappeared from under the bed. “It is your un-birthday, isn't it?”
“Why yes! It is my un-birthday!” Derpy said with a wide grin.
Pinkie Pie started singing an un-birhday song. Rarity took the opportunity to sneak up to the nightstand, but the documents were all gone. Outside of Matilda’s house, a small bunny was sneaking away with a roll of papers in its paws.
The two ponies at the door had finally stopped arguing and they were both making their way upstairs. They arrived in a room decorated by serpentine and confetti. Rarity was sitting on the bed looking gloomy, still wearing her scarlet ninja-suit while Pinkie Pie was doing a little song-and-dance routine for Derpy. Twilight and Applejack stared at the scene with identical confused expressions. Pinkie Pie noticed them and interrupted her song.
“Twilight! Applejack!” Pinkie Pie said. “I'm so glad you decided to come, we're having a surprise un-birthday party!”
“But it’s not anypony’s birthday is it?” Twilight asked.
“That's why it is an un-birthday party, silly!” Pinkie Pie said. “Oh, and you brought a present?” She said to Applejack, noticing the apples.
“Yes, something like that,” Applejack said. “Here, Derpy!” She placed the bucket of apples on the ground. “This is from Granny Smith, she said you'd understand. Uhm... Do you understand?” she asked.
“Nope!” Derpy said, leaving Applejack puzzled by her genuinely oblivious expression.
“Well, in any case, they're good apples!” she said. “Apple Acres’s finest, go on, try one!” she offered and Derpy did so.
“Delicious!” she exclaimed.
It was kind of short notice for a party, but Pinkie Pie discovered a gramophone and some old records and soon they had some soothing jazz as background music. The other ponies decided to just go along with it and they made some preparations as well.
Applejack found a small tub which she filled with water and apples and Rarity started to decorate the room with some balloons she found in a closet. Pinkie Pie took on the role of party coordinator and made a mental checklist of things they needed for a good time.
“Let's see. Have we missed anything?” she said as she inspected the scene. “Balloons, check, apple-bobbing, check...”
Derpy thought hard; she had a bunch of nice ponies around her being friendly, her stomach was full and she had a roof over her head, at least for the weekend. What more could she possibly want?
“I'd like some ice cream.” she confessed.
Pinkie Pie checked the list and made a double-take at her own negligence.
“Oh my! We don't have any cakes, cookies, candy or sweet stuff! Hang on, I'll be right back!”
Pinkie Pie disappeared and as the frantic party preparations calmed down somewhat, Twilight turned to Derpy.
“I was just wondering,” she said. “What did you plan to do with all our interviews?”
“Truth is,” Derpy said, blushing slightly. “I just wanted a chance to talk to you all.”
She had an uncertain look in her eyes, but Twilight just smiled back.
“Well, next time you don't need to pretend to interview us. If you want to talk, you can just ask.”
Epilouge
Angel was digging a hole in the ground. Beside him was a stash of parchments. ‘I gotta hurry’, he thought to himself. ‘I need to be done before-’
“Hello Angel!” Fluttershy said. “What are you doing?”
‘Oh, hi Fluttershy, you're home early’, Angel tried to say with an innocent smile. But before he could protest, Fluttershy had picked the papers up and started to read them.
“It was a dark and stormy night, Goldmane made her way trough the wretched wastelands. Her golden yellow hair fluttered elegantly in the harsh wind.
‘I must make my way to Canterlot,’ she said to herself. ‘Maybe somepony there knows who I am...’
‘Not so fast, princess...’ a voice said behind her. Behind her stood a tall dark spectre with hollow eyes.
‘The Vampire King!’ Goldmane blurted out. She threw a roaring red fireball towards the undead king.
‘NO! My one weakness!’ he roared and disintegrated into a pile of black soot. The particles blew away trough the wind...”
The story continued in the same vein for fifteen pages. It followed Goldmane, an illegitimate daughter of Celestia that had been raised in a small farming town.
At least none could say it wasn't an entertaining story. Goldmane journeyed across the wastelands searching for her destiny, battling monsters and eventually falling in love with a prince who bore an uncanny resemblance to Shining Armor.
“What a cute story!” Fluttershy remarked. “Where did you get this, Angel?”
Story? Angel looked as tough he was about to say a really bad word in the rabbit language. But before Angel could start a frantic, silently swearing charade explaining this situation, Fluttershy got distracted by a colorful streak in the sky that eventually turned to Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, hello Rainbow.” she said.
“What are you still doing here?” Rainbow Dash said. “There's a party at Matilda’s place, and we're having so much fun, you just have to join us!” Fluttershy seemed a bit reluctant at first, but didn't want to say no to one of her friends.
“Okay,” she said and they both flew back to Matilda's house to partake in the impromptu un-birthday party.
THE END
Mad props goes to:
Invictus for editing my drafts and helping me weed out bad ideas.
Lucefuduu for doing the final edits and helping me polish it.
Cosmic for all-around helpful suggestions.