“It really seems to me that in the midst of great tragedy,
there is always the horrible possibility that something terribly funny will happen.”
― Philip K. Dick
Grey walked out of the forest on the road to Ponyvillle. Pinkie Pie sprang up next to him.
“Hey hey, Grey Grey, great day wouldn't you say say?”
She bounced beside Grey as Rainbow Dash swooped in and landed on the other side of him.
“G'day Grey, what’s up today?”
“Fluttershy dropped me a note, literally. I'm meeting her for lunch.”
“Oh that's right she told us all about that. She’s our brave girl, flying over the Everfree Forest to drop you a note.” Pinkie and Dashie winked at each other.
“Is this your first date together, unchaperoned?” Rainbow Dash asked.
Grey felt the hairs at the base of his mane start to rise.
They walked to the outdoor café.
Twilight Sparkle sat behind a long rectangle table. The girls joined her on that side.
“Sorry Grey, Fluttershy had an animal emergence and will be a touch late. Perhaps we can use this time to have some tea and get to know each other.”
A waiter brought a pot of tea and three tea cups. He gave Grey a short glass of water.
Pinkie got up and tied a long red balloon around his right foreleg and a blue one around his chest. She plugged small hoses from the balloons into gauges in front of Twilight. There was a very large thermometer on the table.
Twilight Sparkle: “I think we can dispense with that. We want him speaking clearly.”
Pinkie Pie: “That’s okay; it's not an oral thermometer anyway.”
Rainbow Dash: “Well then, if we don't like his answers, we’ll use it on him.”
Such nice girls. Grey thought to himself.
TS: “I'll begin.” She passed papers to Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash. “What is your highest level of education?”
“I graduated from Ponyville School. Princes Luna thought enough of me to knight me.”
RD: “Have you ever been arrested, detained or questioned by a guard pony?”
“No. The only guard ponies I've ever seen are Princess Celestia’s when she visits.”
PP: “My turn. On a scale from one million to several kazillion, how perverted would you say you are?”
“I don't think I'm perverted at all. I can't even imagine having a perverse thought about Fluttershy.”
Pinkie spoke as she wrote, “Perverse thoughts about Fluttershy.”
TS: “So what are your intentions towards Fluttershy?”
“I, I don't have any intentions. I want to get to know her and talk to her.”
RD: “In your own words, describe the best most awesome of the armed forces of Equestria.”
“You want me to say Wonderbolts so I’ll say Wonderbolts.”
PP: “What is the largest amount of erotic scrolls that you have ever checked out of the library?”
“I have never checked out anything erotic from the library.”
Pinkie spoke as she wrote, “Reads pornography in library in front of children.”
“Besides, there is nothing pornographic in the library.”
TS: “Oh?”
“I mean I know that because I spent a lot of time hiding in the library.”
TS: “What about the book of limericks by StarSwirl the Bearded?”
“I thought they were kinda gross.”
RD: “My turn. If you want to be the best guard pony you can be, why haven't you applied to the Wonderbolt academy?”
“A distinct lack of wings.”
Rainbow Dash spoke as she wrote, “Candidate lacks certain vital appendages.”
PP: “Oo. Brings me to my next question. What is your favourite position?”
“If given the choice between Emperor of the universe or Fluttershy’s boyfriend. I would choose the latter.”
TS: “What are your parents’ occupations and what are their cutie marks?”
“I never met my parents. I would appreciate no more questions on that subject. Thank you.”
TS: “I used a search spell in the library. I was unable to find the cheesy line, ‘then the last thing that I ever said would have been your name’. You said that to Fluttershy while dancing with her at the Everfree Forest Palace. She tells us everything.”
“I pulled it out of my flank.”
I have one nerve left Twilight, and you’re standing on it.
RD: “Leads me to my next question. What if Princess Luna becomes NightMare Moon again, will you be loyal to her or to Equestria?”
“My word is my honour. My honour is all that I am. I will be loyal to Luna and follow her into the dark. I have sworn an oath. You were all there.”
Twilight and Rainbow Dash conferred. “That’s good actually. That does show a high degree of honour. We look forward to defeating you.” Twilight smiled at Grey.
Twilight spoke absentmindedly as she wrote, “You date one of us you date all of us.”
“Does that mean I can kiss Rarity?”
The girls wrote feverishly.
“Joke, joke! I was trying to lighten the mood. I want to take that back.”
The girls looked up then scribbled more notes.
RD: “You took two turns Twilight, now I get another turn.
How are a door stop and an earth guard pony alike?”
“I'm sorry, I don't know that joke.”
RD: “It's not a joke. What does an earth pony have to offer the Guard?”
“My word is my honour, my life I offer. Luna said my job will be ninety percent boredom with ten percent chaos and terror.”
Rainbow Dash answered, “Ha wait til you meet Mr. Chaos.”
I have. We had tea. I trolled him.
Not out loud. They will call you a liar. Don't let them get to you. They want you to get mad. Don’t lose your temper!
Grey inhaled through his nose and exhaled through his mouth. Twilight watched the gauges on the machine in the center of the table. “How did you do that?”
RD: “What does being a door stop pay anyway?”
“Pay?”
All ears perked at Grey.
PP: “My turn and it's pretty obvious. How can you care for Fluttershy and buy her lingerie?”
Grey’s ears wilted. “I don't even know what lingerie is.”
“And when do we get paid? Hey hey pay day. Play and play!”
“We don't Pinkie.” Twilight interjected, “We all have jobs. What we do is a special service to Equestria.”
“Ya but we've saved Equestria several times now. Pay and partay!”
“You know. I've had enough. I was going to fake being angry but your contraption would have seen the truth.”
Grey popped the balloons with the corners of his forehooves causing Pinkie to jump and gasp.
“I chose to end this. I had hoped that we could be friends. I know you want me to lose my temper and prove to you what a jerk I am. I actually don’t need your help for that.
What hurts is that we won’t be friends. And if I can’t be your friend I can’t be Fluttershy’s boyfriend. She is amazing and worth it. If I give up it means that I’m not worthy but there is nothing more important than Fluttershy’s happiness and wellbeing. And I can’t come between her and her best friends.”
Grey stood up and spun on a hoof to wave his tail in the girls’ faces. He ended up mussel to mussel with Fluttershy.
“I’m sorry Grey, I didn’t know they were doing this. My friends can be a little overprotective.” Fluttershy leaned past Grey to speak to the girls. “Even though we’ve discussed it before.
What you just said just now, well it was perfect and heartwarming. And in my books you passed their little test.”
Grey stammered, “We-we were just discussing tactics.”
Good strategy. Fix the rift between you and them. Invite them!
“Perhaps the five of us could go for a walk along the river?”
Twilight collected the papers and tapped them. “That's okay. Why don't you two go alone and have a nice time? We're done here.”
Fluttershy and Grey walked along the riverbank then up a little hill to a shade tree. They sat under the tree.
“I’ll be the brave one and start talking first. I’m sorry I’m not very good a small talk. They say to talk about what you know about. In Cloudsdale, they teach us a lot about meteorology. Lenticular clouds stay in one place. That is a cumulus. Did you know that if there is just one cloud in the sky it is still referred to as a scattered cloudy day? What do you think of that cloud?”
Grey said, “Yes, one cloud that stays in one spot despite the wind. It's as if a pegasus was sitting on it watching us.”
“I'd like to take to you about fear.”
“Oh, I'm so sorry that I'm such a fraidy cat.”
“Not you, me. I see you as an expert. I am not afraid of anything in the forest or even Luna, mostly. But why do I fear your friends?”
“Our friends,” Fluttershy corrected. “You just need to get used to them. You got used to the Everfree Forest somehow.”
Spike was punting a flat bottomed boat down the river. Rarity was in the boat wearing white with a white parasol.
“Sorry what can you see there?”
“I'm guessing a love sick dragon with a flat hat and ribbon pushing a boat with a long pole with a lace covered unicorn reclining in it.”
“And Rarity's book?”
“It looks like Rarity is reading her book upside down.”
“That's because she needs her reading glasses to see things up close but not far away.”
“Spy's spy's everywhere.”
“Did y’all say pies?”
“Applejack, not you too.”
“What yah talkin’ bout? I'm just sellin’ apple pies.”
“I know for a fact that you’re too busy to be selling pies door to door or to be standing around in the park.”
“Grey, you know I would never lie.”
“I never asked you to.”
“Just a country girl and her fresh apple pies.”
“Yah huh. Look at the size of your cart. It’s defiantly Pie sized.”
Grey taped it to the tune of, ♪shave and a haircut...♫
The cart answered.
... Knock knock. “Whoops a doodle.”
“Hi Pinkie.”
“Fluttershy, I have a tease for our friends. Go along if you want. AJ, I’ll need you to be a witness so I don't get killed.”
Grey spoke loudly, “brace yourself Fluttershy, for the most perverted kiss ever!”
Fluttershy swooned, “oh, Sir Grey no! Not the kiss of the amorous ant eater!”
“The what now?”
Twilight Sparkle appeared in a flash of magic and anger. Rainbow Dash swooped down from the cloud. They both scowled at Grey.
Applejack laughed at them, “haw haw, they got you good. So much for your sly plan, Twilight.”
“You guys treat me like a shrinking violet sometimes. I took on that dragon. I am trying to show my best friends that I can be brave. And, if I want to… I will kiss this guy!”
Fluttershy grabbed Grey as if she was leading him in a dance. Dipped him, kissed him, and dropped him.
“And another thing, I'm not the damsel in distress.”
Rarity was yelling directions to Spike while standing and rocking the boat. Spike fell off into the river. Rarity collapsed into the boat, back hoof to forehead.
Spike swam to his hat then the boat then the hat.
“I missed it! I missed it! Do it again!” Pinkie said while climbing out of the pie cart.
/]*[\
Grey walked Fluttershy home.
“The girls will tell you that I made a joke about kissing Rarity. And please take whatever Pinkie says with a pound of salt. The Manticore was roaring his mating roar.”
“Oh, I see, so you would rather kiss Rarity?”
“It was a bad joke that I couldn't take back. A big mouth like me has no secrets.”
Don't say mating in front of Fluttershy! You idiot!
“I probably pushed my luck too far today. Twilight will give you a full report on what a jerk I am. So I'll say goodbye here. Thank you for the dance.”
“I'm sorry, we did not put on our best face for you today. I'll make dinner for you if you don't mind.”
“Will you be there?”
“The girls are right about one thing. Stallions are dumb.”
“I'm still not used to being called a stallion.”
“Oh, I'm sorry, did it ever occur to you that girls like kisses too?”
Grey detoured on his way back to the forest so he could trot, prance and strut his way through Ponyville.