"PLEASE, JUST LISTEN TO ME!"
"I listen..."
Chris took a chair and sat down in front of the human who was bound at another chair. If one wouldn't know, the two looked like twins...
He found the human strolling through his dreamscape. The human said something about Chris real name, which was "Crystal Justice"... which was a really ridicolous name. If you translate it to german, you get "Kristall Gerechtigkeit", which describes all german basic laws for crystals and minerals. By the way, "Crystal Meth" would be much more iconic.
Chris did not mind what the human said, after all it was just a dream. But as Crystal Justice said that he was Chris former personality, Chris snapped...
And now Crystal was bound on a chair, his right knee was broken and one of his teeth was missing.
"I ask you again, why are you coming back?"
"Celestia needs you! Your and her soul are meant for each other!"
"Wrong answer..." Chris said calmly, then he kicked Crystal with his chair on the floor. Crystal yelped in shock and was even more frightened as Chris put a cloth on his face.
"What are you doing?!" Crystal yelped, but then he began to cough as Chris poured water on the cloth.
"I can't hear you!" Chris said like talking to a child, as he poured more water on Crystal's face. "Because of the cloth on your face!"
As the can was empty, Chris removed the wet cloth and put the chair up. Crystal was gasping for air like it was his last chance.
"I don't want to hear about some soul bullshit. I just want to hear the answere, why are you coming back? Why are you in my mind?"
Crystal coughed again. "I... I... just want to show you the time where you and Celestia were together."
Something in Chris brain clicked. "You did all those daydreams?"
Crystal looked nervously into Chris eyes, then he nodded.
Chris put a hand to his chin. "Even though the daydreams were kind of arousing, they made me look like a weirdo to the people around me. I didn't like that."
Before Crystal could respond, Chris drew out his M1911 and shot his former personality into the head.
One problem less to care about.
Chris stood up and went to no general direction of his dreamscape, as suddenly the moon in the sky changed and a blue alicorn floated down to him.
"I saw you killing your former personality. Why did you do this?" Princess Luna asked as she landed next to him.
"He annoyed me to no end... by the way, what are you doing here? And mainly, who are you?" Chris asked as he walked, Luna next to him.
"I'm Princess Luna, mistress of..." Princess Luna introduced herself, but then she was interrupted.
"Stop right there, I don't care who you are. Just get the fuck out of my head." Chris said.
"Watch your tongue! You are speaking to royalty!" she hissed in anger, but there was an hint of F.E.A.R. in her voice.
"Princess Luna goes next to two trashcans and says Cheeseeee!"
Her anger disappeared and she was shivering all over her body. "Please stop it!"
"Princess Luna jumps in the air and get stuck in it!"
One side of her face went black. And the eye's pupil of that side went to a slit.
"Princess Luna eats some peanuts, shits on the floor and is happy to get a Snickers."
She started to cry, while the black side of her face seemed to smile. The smile went wide enough to rip a part of her lips.
"Princess Luna has a lot of common with an Edding. Her ass is black, hairy, fat and smells of alcohol."
She cried in pain, while her other side laughed like mad.
"Princess Luna beeps when she is walking backwards."
Chris snickered, then he broke out in laughter. Princess Luna fell down and cringed on the ground in pain. But she forced her dark side back into the depth of her mind with her night force and blah blah magic.
"You will regret this!" she hissed to him, before she turned around and bucked her hindlegs into his crotch...
It was late in the night and Chris was deep asleep. He mumbled something in his dreams as suddenly he shot up from his sleep and praised Luna for it.
He rubbed his sleepy eyes and looked around in his hotel room.
Clank!
A sound came from the window in his room. Somebody was throwing stones at the glass. And the glass has gotten received already a crack. Cursing, he stood up and went to the window...
Clirr!
Another stone hit the window, breaking it and the stone hit him square center in his crotch. He gave a squeak and fell to the floor, holding his jewels in agony...
Another stone was thrown through the hole of the broken window, hitting his head.
"Gah, shit, what the fuck?!" he yelled in a high-pitched voice that would make Micky Mouse jealous, before he stood up like a flash and looked out the window.
A white slender mare with pinkish mane stood there outside, illuminated by the smooth moonlight. She looked up and smiled to him...
And suddenly, she began to sing...
Her voice filled Chris ears with such emotion that tears welled up in the corner of his eyes.
Then Chris looked in awe as she began to glow and was lifted in the air by a unknown force, still singing her beautiful song.
Until she was outside in front of the window. And with that, her song ceased. Her hoof slowly made contact with the window's frame and she looked lovingly to him.
"Let me..."
He knew instantly what she meant. He opened the window, despite the glass was fully broken and opening the frame wasn't needed.
"I can feel your pain, mon armour." she said in a french accent.
"You don't say..." Chris said as he scratched the aching place between his legs.
"Let me heal it."
A sheepish smile crept on his face.
"Bond with me tonight... let us become one for now and forever... Michael."
The romantic music in Chris head stopped abruptly and he looked at her funny "Who's the Michael you talking about?"
Her loving and understanding smile left her face slowly and she asked "Are you not...?"
"No, my name is Chris "Hiqqup" Higgot, professional criminal."
The mare's face turned into annoyance and she whispered "Curse you Fancy, you gave me the wrong adress..."
"Who are you looking for?"
"A human with the name Michael Lily." she answered. "Do you know him?"
"Yes, he is staying in this hotel, but his room is three stories above mine." he pointed up with his index finger.
The smile went back to her face. "Oh thank you so much!"
"No problem." he yawned as the sleepiness crept back to him.
Without wasting any seconds and, like a lamp being turned off, she stopped glowing, floated back down to the ground and began to throw rocks again, but at a window which was higher located...
Chris shrugged and winced as his jewels screamed for the attention of this mare, but he quickly put this feeling aside as he closed the window and went back to his bed...
He heard the mare singing again and saw her, again floating and glowing, passing his window.
Ignoring her, he closed his eyes... only to snap them open because he forgot something very important to tell her...
Suddenly, there was the sound of a shotgun going off, a mare's scream and a body hitting the hard ground from a great height.
"Ouch..." he heard the mare saying.
He stood up and went to the window and saw the mare walking away.
"Sorry, I forgot to say that Micheal is a member of the Anti Magic Agency!" he shouted.
"Well, fuck you!" the mare shouted back and walked further away.
The Anti Magic Agency is a company for research and containment of magical artifacts and beings. It is also a division of the Armacham Technical Corporation, which hasn't anything much to do than copying the same soldier over and over again.
Chris shrugged and went back to his bed, to get some sleep...
Next morning:
Chris woke up late in the morning, as Princess Celestia's holy sun photon rays burned his face. Standing up from his bed, he went to the bath, to do the three S.
Shit.
Shower.
Shave.
Latter was done with a machete.
Then he went down to the dining room, where Lee was already having his breakfast. Michael was nowhere to be seen.
"Good morning, and welcome to the Noble House breakfast event. This well trained staff is provided for the satisfactorying and filling of the Noble House Hotel guests." a mare said with a clear voice, pointing her hoof at some maids and servants.
"The time is ten thirty am. Current outside temperature is thirtynine degrees. Estimated height of Canterlot is fourhundred and five metres. The Noble House Hotel is maintained at a pleasent twentyseven degrees at all times. Due to high sensible lungs, no smoking is permitted within the Noble House Hotel. Please keep your limbs at bay. Do not attempt to grab a pony's flank or rub them. Breaking this law will end in instant termination. In the event of a emergency, guests are to remain seated and await further instructions from the personnel of the hotel. If it's necessary to exit the hotel, break the windows to escape. The Noble House Hotel wishes you a pleasent stay and enjoy your breakfast."
With that, the staff began to serve the guests and Chris took the seat next to Lee. But Lee didn't respond to the "Good morning." from Chris, even as Chris stabbed a combat knife through his hand.
"What is it, Lee?" Chris asked, as he retrieved back his combat knife.
"This world is weird. I saw a beautiful mare and said 'Wow, you look pretty handsome'. Something snapped in her as she confessed her profound love to me... which I really politely declined. She then wailed outside and threw herself from a cliff...." Lee said without looking up to Chris.
Chris stared at him, before he snickered. "Eh... lol."
"There is nothing to be LOL about. Put attention to every word you say here!"
"No problem!" Chris nodded, then he turned to the very next mare. "I'm calling you later!"
The mare shrieked in pleasure as she bolted out from a window. She then threw herself from the very same cliff.
Chris turned to another mare and winked to her.
The mare exploded in arousal and sent gory debris everywhere. Chris decided this morning to have a steak for breakfast...
...as he asked for the red menu card, which was meant for carnivores.
What, did you think that Chris would eat an pony? This story is rated for teens! And eating a sentient pony is far more worser than watching the MLP show from the 80's! You philistines!
Michael came down from upstairs and he looked really tired.
"Good morning, pal!" Chris said as he waved to Michael.
"How do you do? It is about last night? You missed your soulmate!" Lee said.
"What? No! I mean yes, but it was on purpose!" Michael said.
"Why?"
"Because singles have more money. If you have a girlfriend, you spend... no, you WASTE money for her jewelry and shits. I had a friend who gave his PS4 to his girlfriend but she never played with it. What a waste of money. Anyway, I have a plan to get money. So, Celestia forbid us to work, right?"
"Yes." Lee and Chris nodded.
"So, last night, I studied the map of Canterlot. They got a bank..."
"You don't have to say anything more..." Lee said, and Chris smirked.
It was a normal day in Celestia's Annual Bank, as everypony minded their own business. Money, wife, warm flat *cough*burninghouse*cough*...
But a thunderclap ripped their dreams apart as three masked bipedal creatures were standing at the entrance...
"THIS IS ROBBERY, BITCHES! GEDDOWN ON THE GROUND!"
A/N: A more "serious" version of these few sentences is coming soon as a bonus chapter.
In thad castle we know and love:
Luna entered the conversation room and sipped from her coffee. The coffee beans were grown on the moon and were traded fair.
She spotted her celestial sister readying a sheet of paper. It looked like a flyer.
"Good Morning sister, what are you reading?" she said smiling as she went to her.
"Hello..." she said, but she was studying the sheet.
"What is this?" Luna asked again.
"Nothing out of your concerns..." Celestia said.
Luna grabbed the sheet of paper with her magic and turned herself away from her sister, who protested in response. "Hey!"
She began to read...
"Rape! Rape! Raaaaaape! Order today your own holy Rape-A-Human-Set, made by the Church Company. It contains chocolate with an extra of K.O. drops. The set is also including a folding spade and some plastic bags if your human didn't survive the K.O. drops or the afterwards raping. Everything just costs twenty bits! Just order today by calling 06203 691337666 and you will be ready to rape humans in the very next day! Rape! Rape! Raaaaaape!"
She turned to her sister, dumbfounded. "ARE YOU FUCKING NUTS?!"
"What? If he doesn't want to be my human, I will forcefully doing so!"
"Did you read the small prints? It says that adrenaline pushs makes the potion slower to set in! Make a quick conclusion: Professional criminal plus adrenaline equals father of the apocalypse! He will turn into a killing machine to keep the potion from reaching his heart! It's just like from a movie!"
"Oh... but you raped your human, too."
"Gaaaaaaaaarghhhhlllrapeaaaaaaaaarghhhhllll." Luna made as she threw her head backwards and opened her mouth. Saliva trailed down her chin, but then she collected herself again.
"That's... something completely different!" Luna defended while blushing.
Celestia wanted to say something, but a guard came rushing in with bad news. "Your bank is being robbed as we speak!"
The sisters were exchanging worried looks...
They are always doing it.
Then Celestia pulled out a Desert Eagle and shot the guard point blank in the head. "I hate bad news... and now let's go to the bank."
Yep, Chris and Celestia still have a lot in common.
"That was a fucking payday!" Chris said as they went out of the bank as he carried a bag filled with bits. Lee and Michael were also carrying full bags as they hurried outside.
But to their dismay, Celestia and Luna landed in front of them. "Stop right there!"
"Really? You and which army?" Michael taunted.
Princess Celestia whistled and three royal guards were coming. Two of them were carrying a rather large panel. They were the last guards since Celestia... took care of their colleagues.
"It's just a bluescreen." Chris said as the two royal guards turned the panel to them. The third one took position in front of it.
"Oh, really?" Princess Luna said as she activated the bluescreen with an remote.
Suddenly, a billion of royal guards were in the bluescreen, all were ready to fight and die for their land.
"Ha! We don't fall for this old trick!" Lee laughed.
"Well, then..." Princess Celestia said as she channeled magic in her horn...
*PING!*
A Cloaker stood in front of the three robbers and he was ready to fulfill his 'task'. "I call this a difficulty tweak!"
"OH SHIT RUN!!!"
This day was named as the big fat day of law enforcement in future school books.