Hands
A My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
By Andrew J. Talon
DISCLAIMER: This is a non-profit fanbased work of prose. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is the property of Hasbro, and the reinvention of the lovely Lauren Faust. No copyright infringement is intended, please support the official release.
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The curtain opened again, and what looked like Truffle Shuffle, in human form, strode onto stage in armor that looked like it had been torn from Jack Kirby's designs. It didn't fit properly, as his large belly poking from between the gaps in the vest showed. He hummed and rubbed his chubby cheek.
"I, the Emperor of Man, am bored!" He cried. "I want to know how much I've conquered! How can I do that?" He grinned, and pumped his fists. "Of course! I'll call for a census! All the world must go to their hometown and be counted, and so I'll know how much more to tax them!"
Chrysalis poked her head from offstage, smirking. "He learns so well," she sighed, before the curtain shut again.
"That costume looked expensive! How many scenes is it in?" Asked Pinkie Pie. Rarity shrugged.
"Oh, three or four..." She said. Pinkie Pie nodded.
"Looks good!"
"I'm going to get her for this," I muttered. "I am going to nuke the hell out of her..."
"Oh come on Andrew! Wait until the play is over to plot vengeance," Twilight huffed.
"You're the one telling me I need to stop procrastinating!" I protested in a harsh whisper, as the curtain opened again. A bored looking sheep came out, being led by Featherweight as Joseph. And atop his back sat Diamond Tiara, with a pillow under her dress. Cheerilee resumed her narration.
"And so, Joseph and Mary had to travel to a town called Bethlehem, while Mary was heavily pregnant. And when they arrived..."
"No room!" Applebloom cried, holding a hand up. "Not in any of the hotels!"
"Oh come on, we've come so far!" Diamond Tiara whined. "I'll even settle for one star!"
"Sorry, best we can do is a barn," Applebloom said. Diamond growled.
"A BARN?! But-But the son of God is going to be born and you had better not-!"
"Barn will be fine," Featherweight said quickly.
"That's not what I said!" Diamond Tiara growled. "You want your son born in a mangy old barn?!"
"It's the barn, or you sleep outside in the cold winter," said Applebloom with a scowl. Diamond Tiara changed her facial expression, forcing a smile.
"Barn... Barn will be fine! Just as my dear husband said," Diamond Tiara said quickly. Applebloom nodded, and unicorn telekinesis brought out several props, including a manger. Diamond Tiara leaned back on her back, and groaned as Featherweight kneeled in front of her.
"And so, Mary and Joseph had to stay in the barn," Cheerilee said, "and by and by, she gave birth to her son."
"Ohhhh Celestia's wings this hurrrts! God is a jerrrrrrk! Ohhhhhh!" Diamond Tiara wailed. "Arrrrrgh!"
"Come on Dia-Er, Mary! Just a little further, come on!" Cried Featherweight. Out of a trap door, a white garbed figure climbed up under Diamond Tiara's dress. Featherweight pulled on this figure, and fell over as the figure leaped out. "Oof! Oh... Uh... Good work honey," he said quickly.
"Just put him into the manger," Diamond Tiara growled. "Useless stallion!"
The figure, still clothed in white, was settled into the manger. Diamond, at some prodding from Featherweight, smiled down at the baby.
"Oh... What a beautiful baby... But what shall we name him?"
"Jesus, right?" Asked Featherweight. Diamond scowled, and he shrugged. "It... It is was the angel told us to name him."
"No it isn't," Twilight muttered, "they skipped that line!"
"Very well," Diamond said with a smile. "I welcome you to Earth... Jesus." She pulled the white cloth off, and a human form Pipsqueak smiled out. He looked rather handsome and developed for a kid who had ostensibly been born only a year or two go. Then again, ponies did grow up a lot faster.
And I was not jealous of a teenager's six pack. I was not.
"Goo," he said, making me laugh a bit. He was in teenaged form, after all-And in a too smaller manger. It was funny, and I wasn't the only one who laughed.
"He is born!" Rumble cried, appearing as an angel. He held out a silver Christian Fish symbol, and handed it to Featherweight. "Give this to him when he is old enough."
"We will," said Diamond Tiara, snatching the icon from Featherweight. Featherweight just sighed, as the Angel Rumble walked off.
"And so was born Jesus of Nazareth, and this was only the beginning of his adventure," Cheerilee said. The curtains shut, and much was done behind the curtains. It parted, and Pipsqueak was now in proper white robes. "For as he grew, he learned of the incredible powers he possessed, above all other men!"
"Oh God," I mumbled.
"No, that's Jesus," Pinkie said.
"Faster than a speeding bullet!" Cheerilee cried, and Pipsqueak ran furiously. "More powerful than a locomotive!" A cardboard cutout of a train that looked like it might have belonged in the Bronze Age came on, with accompanying sound effects. Pipsqueak lifted the cutout over his head, and tossed it off stage. "Able to raise the dead with a single word!"
Applebloom and Scootaloo carried Rumble out. Rumble appeared dead. Pipsqueak turned and smiled.
"Wake up!" He commanded. Rumble opened his eyes, and leaped up.
"Wow! This is amazing! I'm going to go back to my extreme bungie jumping right away!" He cried, running off as Applebloom, Scootaloo and Pipsqueak laughed.
"Yes," Cheerilee said, "Jesus of Nazareth was powerful indeed. But by and by, he began to question his origins."
Diamond Tiara and Featherweight, both wearing grey beards, wandered onto the stage as Applebloom and Scootaloo left. Pipsqueak turned to them, and frowned.
"Mother, father, who am I? I have such incredible powers. Where do I come from?"
"You must go out into the desert, my son, and find yourself," Diamond Tiara said. "For only you can learn the truth for yourself!" She raised her arms up, weeping melodramatically. "Oh! My son! My innocent son! Such a terrible fate you have!"
"Would you stop running over my lines?" Hissed Featherweight. Diamond Tiara rolled her eyes.
"I am trying to improve this play, don't you-!"
"Uh, mother? Isn't there something you need to give me?" Pipsqueak asked. Diamond Tiara rubbed her cheek, scowled, but pulled out the fish icon. She handed it to Pipsqueak.
"Take this, my son. And you will learn who you are... And why you have come," she said earnestly. Pipsqueak smiled, and hugged her.
"Thank you mother... And Father," Pipsqueak said, hugging him too. "I'm off!"
- - - - - - -
Another scene transition, and Pipsqueak was walking in front of a desert background. Dinky Hooves, also in human form, walked from the other side, muttering.
"Ah? Hello, are you all right?" Pipsqueak asked.
"Nooo... I am Legion... We are... Many!" Dinky cried, holding her hands to her cheeks. She swooned, before tentacles sprang out of her back and tried to grab Pipsqueak. He backed up, and held up the fish pendant. It turned into a glowing saber of light, and he swung it at the tentacles. He fought a truly dramatic battle, cutting off tentacles before he slammed his open palm into Dinky's chest. A burst of light later, and Dinky fell back as a paper mache puppet waved its tentacles.
"Nooo... Spare us, son of God!" The demon cried (in what was obviously Cheerilee's dubbed voice).
"You call me the Son of God? Why? You know me?" Pipsqueak asked. He pointed the sword at the paper mache creature, as Dinky slowly got up. She walked over and stood next to Pipsqueak, holding his arm in concern.
"Yes... Allow us to go somewhere else! Into a herd of pigs! And we will bother no one ever again!"
"You had better not," growled Pipsqueak. "Well! Go then! Go!"
The papermache demon burst into flames, and burned away into ashes that were blown away by a fan. Dinky stared in amazement at Pipsqueak.
"Wow... Thank you!" She said happily. Pipsqueak smiled and rubbed the back of his head.
"I... I didn't know I could do that," he admitted.
"I'm Mary Magdalene. What is your name?" She asked. Pipsqueak sighed.
"I'm Jesus of Nazareth... And I'm trying to figure out who I am, and what I'm doing here."
"Those demons called you the Son of God," said Dinky, humming. "And you could wield that power..."
"You know everything I do right now!" Pipsqueak said, exasperated. Dinky huffed.
"You don't have to be rude!"
"Rude? I just saved you from a legion of demons!" Pipsqueak protested.
"You could still be polite, you know," Dinky said. "I mean, for a Son of God, you don't have a lot of manners."
"This is just kind of new to me, all right?" Pipsqueak grumbled. "I'm sorry."
"... I'm sorry," Dinky said, squeezing Pipsqueak's hand. "I mean... I'm really grateful. I just don't know how to deal with all this. And it looks like you aren't, either."
"No," sighed Pipsqueak. He held out the pendant, and studied it. "I don't even know what to do with this thing..."
"Well... What do you feel like doing with it?" Dinky asked.
Pipsqueak looked around, and then tossed the fish pendant to the stage floor. It glowed, and from behind a cardboard desert temple rose. Snails, now wearing the garb of the Emperor (but painted white) appeared, as did Chrysalis in a red silky dress. Dinky squeaked, and held Pipsqueak's hand. I had to admit, it was rather cute. I could see Ditzy Doo Hooves in the audience wearing that speculative Mom smile.
"My son, before you are two paths," Snails intoned. "For you are the Son of God, and can bring them out of the darkness."
"Bah! Who wants to bring light? Boring!" Chrysalis sniffed. "Come on! I can give you everything you could ever want! Dominion over the universe! Just bow down to me!"
"They can be a great people, Jesus. They only need a guiding light. For that reason have I sent you, my only son," said Snails, in just as dramatic a tone as before. Pipsqueak rubbed his chin.
"If you follow his path, you'll die," Chrysalis sniffed. "And I'll get you anyway!"
"Yes," Snails said. "You will die, my son... But you will save us all."
"Pfft, yeah right," Chrysalis snorted. She sidled up to him. "Come onnnn... You know you want to sacrifice and rule over these pitiful mortals with your incredible power! Just one word, and I'll let you do it. One word...!" She eyed Dinky. "And love, too."
Dinky blushed, and then huffed. "We just met!"
"So? Son of God, rule over all the Earth... Convince him to serve me, and you'll have it all!"
Dinky turned to Snails. "And you, God? Life is hard. has been hard ever since I was born... You know all, and see all, but what do you do?"
"If I do everything, then you are just children," Snails said grimly. "If I do nothing though, you will fall. My son is among you, and has all the choices you have... And would you trust a being who would impart demons to everyone if she got her way?"
Chrysalis made a face. "That was just one time!"
Dinky looked to Pipsqueak. "Jesus... What do you want to do?"
Pipsqueak frowned. He squeezed Dinky's hand. And finally, he smiled.
"Father... I think I want to try to do good, in your name. I can't do it alone though."
"You will not have to," Snails said. Chrysalis huffed, and glared at Dinky and Pipsqueak.
"You're only going to stick with her when she sprouts, you know," Chrysalis sniffed, turning and stalking out. Snails left too, and Pipsqueak and Dinky looked at each other.
"Well... Welcome to Earth, Jesus," said Dinky with a smile. "What do we do first?"
"First...? I think it's time to gather up some... Disciples," Pipqueak intoned dramatically.
"... What?" Asked Dinky.
"You know. A ragtag band to help us save the world," Pipsqueak insisted.
"Oh! Let's do that, then!" Dinky said. Pipsqueak raised the pendant over his head, and called out in a strong voice:
"For I am the Voice in the Wilderness! The Prince of Peace! And the Terror that flaps in the night! JESUS CHRIST!"
The pendant glowed brightly, and I felt my headache get far worse.
"Please tell me there's an intermission soon," I begged Twilight. She referred to her program, and shook her head.
"No. Why?"
"Because I have to kill Chrysalis and the Cutie Mark Crusaders for this," I said. Twilight scowled.
"Andrew Eugene Shepherd! No murdering of fillies!"
"What about Chrysalis-"
"Or friendship interns!"
"Yeah, you have to see the rest of the play first," snickered Dash.
- - - - - - -
"And so, Jesus Christ did gather his group of Disciples to go across the land of Palestine, righting wrongs and bringing hope to all," said Cheerilee, narrating as the kids ran across the stage and did various things. Prop swords, prop wands, prop fishing harpoons-They were all deployed as they went through numerous skits somewhat based on stories out of the Bible. And out of Batman. And Captain America. And Bleach. And Power Rangers. And Evangelion, and...
"Twilight, please summon me some booze," I begged. "Please, for the love of god just get me some booze."
"Andrew!" Twilight admonished. "Come now, it can't be that bad!"
"Dash? You must have some cider, gimme," I said with a scowl. Dash scowled back.
"What makes you think I'd have any?! I finished it all!"
"Yeah, she'd never share any," Applejack said wryly. "Why not ask me fer some?"
"What's the price?" I asked intently. Applejack smirked, and licked her lips.
"Well, a bit o' human loving would be nice. How about it, Fluttershy? Twilight? You up fer three?"
"Agree with her. For the love of God," I muttered to Twilight. The purple unicorn blushed hard. Fluttershy blushed as well. And indeed, Applejack's cheeks soon matched them.
"Wh-what?! Andrew, come on! Stop joking around!" Twilight insisted.
"I don't know Twilight, I-I wouldn't mind," Fluttershy admitted.
"But eventually," Cheerilee said, her microphone carrying her voice clearly, "the powers that be were offended by what Jesus was doing. And so, Jesus was arrested by his best friend, Judas Iscariot."
Snails, in a police uniform, ushered Pipsqueak into a room in front of Rumble, who was rocking his beard again.
"Come on Jesus, you know what would happen," Judas said. "I'm just doing my job: I'm only making thirty silver pieces an hour, you know."
"I know Judas," Jesus said with a sigh. "I forgive you, man."
"I know," Judas grimaced. "Doesn't make me feel any better."
"OI! JESUS OF NAZARETH!" Shouted Rumble. "I am Pilate, servant of the Emperor of Mankind! You have been accused of blasphemy, claiming you are in fact God! The Messiah, etc, etc... You deny this?"
"Come on man, don't say anything," Snails said, "we can get you off on a technicality. Just plead insanity."
"No," Pipsqueak said. He stepped forward. "I am the son of God, the messiah, here to save mankind. The Last Son of God."
"Then you admit it?!" Snails cried. Pipsqueak nodded. "Then you will surely die!"
Snails facepalmed. "Damnit..."
The curtain closed, and reopened-Pipsqueak was tied onto a cross, and lifted up as Dinky cried nearby.
"And so Jesus was killed by crucifixion, a horrific way to die," Cheerilee explained. I noticed she was flipping through the script a bit faster-Clearly, they had to rush through the last act. Perfect...
Chrysalis walked up, shaking her head and chuckling.
"Should have taken my advice, kid," she cackled. She smirked at Dinky. "Now your boyfriend's going to die, and he'll be mine! Unless he joins me! Either way, I WIN!"
Dinky sobbed. "You... You monster!"
"Well, I am Satan," Chrysalis snorted. "What do you think I'm gonna do? Comfort you?"
"Father, forgive them, they know not what they do," Pipsqueak cried. He then slumped. "AHHHHHH! It... Is done...!" And he fell limp, as Dinky sobbed loudly. Chrysalis cackled, and snapped her fingers. The backdrop became fiery and red, as Dinky moved off stage. The rest of the cast appeared, in red robes, wailing as Chrysalis laughed manically.
"Fool! You delivered yourself right into my hands! You might have kept a bargaining position if you'd come off that cross, become my lieutenant-But now! Now you are mine, ahahahahahaaha!"
Pipsqueak was dropped from the cross, and fell to all fours as the rest of the cast pelted him with trash. The colt then slowly stood up, and brushed off his tattered robes. He looked up and grinned.
"One problem with that, Satan," Pipsqueak said, "I'm not trapped in here with you. You are trapped in here..." And Pipsqueak began to glow brightly, "with me."
"Wait, what?" Chrysalis gasped, as the rest of the cast began to glow with holy power. Her eyes widened. "No! You didn't-!"
"Yes! I did! For you see, humans have a power greater than either of us combined! If you understood them, you would have harnessed it yourself," Pipsqueak said, as he formed a blazing sword from his fish pendant. "And all these humans you have taken? Are now free!" He swung the blade for Chrysalis, who cried out and burst into flames.
"NO! NOOOOOO!"
She vanished in a puff of smoke, and Pipsqueak held his sword over his head. Everyone else threw off their robes, and joined with him in a broad smile as radiant light filled the stage.
"There is nothing my power cannot cut!" He declared.
"HAIL CHRISTMAS!" The cast chorused, as the curtains slowly shut.
The audience was silent. I was silent too. Then, clopping filled the air. I looked around as all the ponies there began to applaud wildly, stamping their hooves on the ground or clopping their hooves together. Cheers and whistles were launched at the stage.
"YES! AMAZING!"
"That was incredible!" Twilight cried with a happy smile.
"WOO! GERONIMO! SITTING BULL!" Pinkie Pie yelled.
"Oh my... It was entertaining... Andrew? Are you all right?" Asked Fluttershy. I rubbed the back of my head.
"I... It was... Well..."
"Yes, that was my sister! Please, she will be signing autographs later!" Rarity chuckled, to several ponies around her. Applejack was whooping. Dash was just whistling, and hopping up and down like a maniac.
Everypony was... Happy. So happy...
It was utterly ridiculous and kind of sacrilegious and damnit I wanted to be mad. I wanted to be horrified. I wanted to...
And then the curtains opened. Applebloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo stepped out, smiling broadly. They bowed at the cheers, but then raised their hands for quiet.
"This would not have been possible without the help of some very good friends," Applebloom announced. "First and foremost, our amazing cast!"
They waited for the applause to die down. Scootaloo grinned.
"The help of Chrysalis, Queen of the Changelings!"
She came out next, and bowed with a smug smirk as the applause was a bit hesitant but still enthusiastic. Sweetie Belle smiled at me.
"And of course... Andrew Shepherd! The last human, who told us the story of Christmas, and inspired us to connect with his people! For despite the differences in our stories... There is still the same message: Love, friendship, and harmony!"
I was being pushed onstage, by several ponies (and Twilight's telekinesis). I stumbled out, in front of the crowd. I looked at the three Cutie Mark Crusaders-So happy and eager. I looked out at the crowd, breath held in anticipation. I saw Chrysalis smirk.
I sighed... And smiled.
"This... Is the best Christmas I can remember ever having," I said earnestly. "To know that ponies like you care about me? That... That will forgive anything. And always make me feel like part of your world, despite home being so far away."
I was engulfed in hugs by the squealing crusaders, as the crowd raised up a cacophony of cheers. I looked up at the starry sky, and saw a meteorite flashing high above. And unbidden came the old saying.
"Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night," I whispered, unshed tears in my eyes.
"Told you I knew what I was doing," Chrysalis muttered to the crusaders.
- - - - - - -
Powered by the sappiness of the Christmas Spirit. May your holidays be just as sappy and joyous.