Applejack stared down at her plate. “Granny, when am ah gonna get mah apple?”
Granny Smith was working feverishly in the kitchen. “Silence, granddaughter of mine! The preparations are almost complete!”
Applejack stared at her plate more intensely. “Forget you, Granny. Ah don’t need your darn apples. Ah’ve got so much mind power that Ah can make mah own food!” Applejack stared so hard that she broke the fabric of reality.
Granny Smith turned to look at Applejack’s disintegrating plate, gasping in horror. “Applejack, no! Go back while you still can, you imbecile! You have broken the fabric of reality!”
Nicolas Cage appeared. “YOU DON’T SAY?!”
“Silence, you large ham!” Granny Smith hissed. “I am trying to save the universe so that I may destroy it on my own terms at a later date!”
But it was already too late. Applejack had gained the powers of the universe and was using them to reach her telepathic arm into the Spiritual Food World. Applejack’s telepathic arm slapped the Spiritual Food King really hard, then threw a rock at it which made it get distracted by the rock forever. The arm then reached into the Spiritual Food King’s pocket and yanked out the Pancake of Destiny. Applejack teleported the Pancake of Destiny onto her plate and prepared to devour it.
Granny Smith rushed toward Applejack. “STOP! THERE IS A VERY GOOD REASON WHY WE HAVE CHOSEN YOUR NAME TO BE APPLEJACK, NOT FLAPJACK!”
Applejack licked her lips and tossed the Pancake of Destiny into her mouth, swallowing it whole. “Ah sure do love pancakes and not apples!”
Granny Smith cried out in agony. “NOOOO!!! YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE JUST DONE!!!”
Applejack glowed with energy as she gained the Powers of Pancakia. She started chanting spells in an ancient language.
Discord appeared. “I’m not too late, am I? I hope the movie didn’t start without me.” He reached into his bucket of paper and stuffed a handful into his mouth.
Applejack shouted loud unintelligible words, then used her Powers of Pancakia to give herself horrible pancake poisoning. She then proceeded to use her Powers of Pancakia to remove her Powers of Pancakia.
Granny Smith facehooved. “I am beginning to question your intelligence, which may or may not be even more limited than that of Scootaloo.”
Nicolas Cage gasped. “Guys, we gotta save her! She’s got the poison of the pancakes!”
Discord nodded. “Yes, I see. I would help you, but I’m too busy not helping you. My sincerest apologies.”
Nicolas Cage grabbed Applejack and held her in his arms. “Well then, it looks like it’s all up to Nicolas Cage to save the day once again.” He grabbed a nearby pair of sunglasses and put them on.
Discord took a fresh piece of paper out of his bucket, took a few bites out of it, then handed it to Nicolas Cage. “Here is a map that will help guide you on your journey to find the cure to pancake poisoning. It appears to be damaged in some areas, but that is definitely how it was when I found it.”
Nicolas Cage accepted the map. “Thanks. And without further ado, I am off!” Nicolas Cage grabbed a nearby Indiana Jones hat, jumped onto a nearby vine and swung the heck out of there.
Nicolas Cage landed at a nearby castle of wonder. “Woah! I’ve finally discovered the legendary castle of wonder! I knew that all I had to do was believe in myself, and never not be Nicolas Cage.”
Applejack coughed.
Nicolas Cage’s jaw dropped in horror. Nicolas Cage bent down to pick up his jaw and put it back in his mouth. “Oh no, her condition is getting worse! I’ve gotta go faster!” He put on a second pair of sunglasses. “Like a menner!”
And so, Nicolas Cage ran like an fast men, all the way to the entrance of the castle of wonder. It was there that he encountered the fortress’s first guardian: Luna.
Nicolas Cage attempted to ignore her and walk through the door, but Luna shouted at him in the Royaler Canterlot Voice, which was even louder than the normal Royal Canterlot Voice. “SILENCE!”
Nicolas Cage shrugged. “I didn’t even say anythi-“
Luna tried to punch him but missed, the slight moment of awkwardness causing her to seem less intimidating. “I SAID SILENCE! I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO HAVE A SPEAKING ROLE FOR EIGHTEEN STORIES NOW, AND I AM NOT PLANNING TO GIVE IT UP SIMPLY BECAUSE NICOLAS CAGE NEEDS TO SAVE THE LIFE OF ONE OF THE ELEMENTS OF HARMONY!”
Nicolas sighed. “Very well then. Proceed, alicorn of poor priorities.”
Luna puffed out her chest with pride. “Welcome, traveler. I am Princess Luna, guardian of the castle of wonder, ruler of the night, duchess of-“
Nicolas Cage pulled out his remote and fast-forwarded through the first few minutes of Luna’s dialogue.
“-and now that I have formally introduced myself, I shall warn you of the challenges that follow. You must pass three trials: Strength, Speed, and Agility.”
Nicolas Cage was not amused. “Don’t you think Speed and Agility are a bit similar?”
Luna’s eyes widened. Quickly, she ran inside the castle of wonder. A few things could be heard getting moved around. A few minutes later, she came back huffing and puffing. To blow off some steam, she blew down a nearby house made out of straws. The innocent anthropomorphic wolf standing in front of it was misidentified as the criminal and sent to jail forever. “…What are you talking about? There was never a trial about Agility. I clearly stated that the three trials were Strength, Speed, and Intelligence. There were supposed to be five trials, but the trials of Coolness and Attractiveness are still under construction. The guys here are all relatively ugly, so they have a poor concept of coolness and beauty.”
Applejack sniffled.
Nicolas Cage waved his arms frantically. “We’re running out of time!!”
Luna nodded. “Then, without further ado, I present to you your trial of Strength: you must defeat me in a duel!”
Nicolas Cage punched her.
Luna collapsed, breathing heavily. “Well done, brave warrior… you are the fiercest opponent I have ever faced. You may proceed to your next challenge.”
Nicolas Cage ran inside really fast, so fast that he became a faster menner, and sanic hegehog was watching and got so jealous that he got depressed and started drinking alcohol. Nicolas Cage was so fast that he ran right past the trial of Speed, busting open the doors to the third and final trial.
Granny Smith was standing next to a chalkboard. “Welcome, large ham, to the trial of Agility!”
Luna came in and whispered something into Granny Smith’s ear.
Granny Smith grumbled. “Welcome, large ham, to the trial of Intelligence!”
Applejack scratched an itch she had on her neck.
Nicolas Cage, out of shock, tossed Applejack high into the air and barely managed to catch her. “Aaaaagh! She’s reaching the final stages of her pancake poisoning! She doesn’t have much longer!!!”
Granny Smith grinned sadistically. “Then I shall make this quick.” She reached into her hair and pulled out the giant stack of bottles she had kidnapped from herself, then hurled them at Nicolas Cage.
Thinking quickly, Nicolas Cage blocked the blast of bottles by using Applejack as a shield.
Granny Smith scribbled some evil plans in her native Demon Granny language on the chalkboard. “Now, on a scale of zero to ten, how much did that hurt?”
Nicolas Cage laughed triumphantly. “Zero!”
Granny Smith shook her head. “The correct answer was ten! We will have to do a test retake.” She pulled out a second wad of bottles, and threw them at him. However, unbeknownst to everyone’s favorite Demon Granny, one of the bottles was actually a rebel, and it was carrying the antidote to pancake poisoning inside of it. Like the clever yet sociopathic genius he was, Nicolas Cage grabbed the Rebel Bottle and masterfully dodged all the other bottles like a pro.
Granny Smith, seeing that Nicolas Cage had gotten a hold of the Rebel Bottle, screamed so loud that Nicolas Cage’s ears broke but the damage overflowed into a negative number so it actually improved his ears instead. She pulled a rope and opened a trapdoor in the ceiling, releasing a swarm of angry bees.
Nicolas Cage backed away, horrified. “No, no! NO! NOT THE BEES!!!” Thinking quickly, he grabbed a nearby vine and swung the heck out of there.
Nicolas Cage landed back in the Apple Family Place, setting Applejack down on a conveniently-placed stretcher. “I have acquired the antidote!”
Discord clapped. “Bravo, bravo! I never doubted you, Nicolas Cage!” He turned over to Albert Wesker, who happened to be there the whole time, and quietly asked him to take back the money he had bet on Nicolas Cage failing the mission.
Nicolas Cage gave the partially-eaten map back to Discord. “Thanks for the map. I couldn’t have done it without having a map to recklessly ignore.”
Discord took the map and promptly finished it off, licking his lips. “Mm, yes. That’ll be twenty dollars.”
“Hey! Large ham! Show to us the antidote of which you have spoken of, so that I may use this information to my advantage in my next plan to kill everything!” Granny Smith shouted.
Nicolas Cage nodded and began to open the Rebel Bottle.
Discord clenched his fists in excitement. “I’ve been waiting 1,572 words for this!”
Inside the bottle was an apple.
Discord smiled. “Of course! It all makes sense now. After all, Apple beats Pancake in the classic game ‘Apple Beats Everything’. Thank goodness I’m the one who found it, because who knows where else the Apple Family could have found an apple?”
Nicolas Cage, too busy being dramatic to debate who was actually responsible for finding the apple, slowly guided the apple into Applejack’s mouth. “Huzzah! We have done it! Now, as an expert on pancake poisoning, I have dealt with this disease many times before. There is still one remaining thing we must do to cure the poison of the pancakes. Applejack’s health is sealed with a kiss, and only a true kiss of true love truly can truly save her truly. Truly. I’ve watched a lot of Disney movies, so I know it’s true, okay?”
Albert Wesker looked around. “But who does Applejack truly love?”
Nicolas Cage raised his hand. “I volunteer myself as tribute- er, I mean, I volunteer to be the one that gets to try to kiss her first!”
Discord shook his head. “Mister Cage, I think it would be best if you abandoned your secret crush on Applejack before it becomes your central character trait. Besides, we all know that the only thing Applejack truly loves is apples. Look, she’s already reviving!”
Applejack revived anticlimactically.
Nicolas Cage looked down in shame.
Discord patted him on the back. “Do not worry, Mister Cage. You are married to a beautiful woman who was kidnapped by Scootaloo, and therefore your lover already exists.”
Nicolas Cage smiled. “Thanks, Discord. Now I feel a whole lot better.”
Rainbow Dash came out of the closet. “Is that it? Did the story end? Did I finally make it through a Text Tuesday story without becoming never seen again?”
I’m sorry Rainbow Dash, but you were never seen again.
“Darn.”