The school bell rang as all the fillies ran into the school place. Cheerilee, the teacher, had hung up a sign saying “no colts allowed”, because she hated Featherweight due to a lifelong rivalry between their two Demon Grannies, but she didn’t want to look bad by being biased against a single student, so she made it look like this was a girls-only school now.
Scootaloo tried to climb through the window, but she didn’t know it was closed so she was constantly bumping her head against the glass. Cheerilee sighed and picked her up, carrying her into the classroom.
Scootaloo sat down and stared at the whiteboard excitedly. “So, what are we going to learn today, Miss Cheerilee?”
Cheerilee glared at her. “That’s Professor Cheerilee to you, Scootaloo.”
Scootaloo nodded. “So, what are we going to learn today, Miss Professor Cheerilee?”
Professor Cheerilee started scribbling something down on the board. “Today, we will be learning how to avoid Discord.”
Discord appeared. “Hello, class!”
Professor Cheerilee backed away. “Oops. I forgot I’m not supposed to mention his name.”
Discord turned Professor Cheerilee into a cactus. “Trust me, I did you all a favor. I’m a more fun character than she is!”
The entire class cheered as Discord showed off his rippling muscles.
Discord pulled out a stick. “Now, today we will be learning how to- you know what, screw it. Teaching is boring.” Discord turned the stick into paper and ate it.
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Twist. “Yes, Twist?”
Twist looked confused. “I’m… not the one raising my hoof.”
Discord nodded. “Excellent question, Twist. Indeed, who is Nicolas Cage? That is what today’s lesson will be about.”
Twist raised one eyebrow. “Uh… that wasn’t a question. And I didn’t even mention Nicolas Cage.”
Discord nodded again. “I am astounded by your display of your extensive knowledge about Nicolas Cage! A bit creepy if you ask me, but very detailed. And now, I shall teach you more about Nicolas Cage… in the form of a song!”
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Sweetie Belle. “Yes, Sweetie Belle?”
Sweetie Belle looked confused, but responded anyway. “WOULD IT NOT BE MORE EFFICIENT IF THIS LESSON WAS PRESENTED IN THE FORM OF A LECTURE?”
Discord shook his head. “What a preposterous suggestion! Singing is how you ponies always get things done around here! Let’s have a show of hooves. How many of you small, vulnerable creatures will side with this unusually monotone outcast?”
All the fillies raised their hooves because they’re all huge eggheads. Except for the foreign exchange student Slyijhutitotul Jenkinsonnaletoop, who is actually an omelettehead.
Tears came to Discord’s eyes. “But… but why?”
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Apple Bloom. “Yes, Apple Bloom?”
Apple Bloom put on ten pairs of sunglasses. “It’s because we’re the new generation, yo. We don’t like no music, cuz it’s all rap nowadays, bro. Yolo swag hip gangsta dawg.”
Discord sighed. “Darn newfangled generation. Anyway, first of all, Nicolas Cage is a member of the human species.”
A mint-green blur whizzed into the room. “Did somepony say human?!” Lyra said with a big smile.
Discord nodded. “Yes, feel free to join the class whenever you wa-“
Lyra immediately sat down next to Discord.
Discord moved a few steps away. “So, first of all, Nicolas Cage-“
Scootaloo raised her hoof.
Discord pointed at Albert Wesker. “Yes, Albert Wesker?”
Albert Wesker stood up. “Will there be zombies in this lesson?”
Discord nodded. “There will be now!”
Albert Wesker nodded back, then sat down.
Lyra instantly propelled herself into Albert Wesker’s arms, holding him tightly.
Discord pulled out a new stick and pointed it at the piece of paper with Nicolas Cage on it. “Now, I will need to let you know that Nicolas Cage follows a strict set of guidelines called the Ten Cagemandments.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof, and spoke before Discord could ignore her again. “How many Ten Cagemandments are there?”
Discord ignored her again. “The first Cagemandment is to always be Nicolas Cage and slay all Nicolas Cages who are not truly Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Am I Nicolas Cage?”
Discord continued to ignore her. “The second Cagemandment is to never pretend something else is Nicolas Cage.” Discord looked at the paper with the picture of Nicolas Cage, then quickly tossed it into his mouth. “Mmm, papery.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “What happens if I put my hoof in the blender and turn it on?”
Discord looked away from her. “The third one says to never take Nicolas Cage’s name in vain.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Didn’t you just say Nicolas Cage’s name in vain?”
Discord looked toward Twist. “Yes Twist, but I’m Discord so it doesn’t matter. The fourth Cagemandment is to remember the Nicolas Cage day, which happens every Saturday night.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “How can it happen at night if it’s called Nicolas Cage DAY?”
“Good question, Twist. The answer is I don’t care because I’m Discord. So, the fifth Cagemandment is to honor Nicolas Cage. No matter what.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Even if he crossdresses?”
“Yes Twist, ESPECIALLY if he crossdresses. Now, the sixth Cagemandment is to not kill Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “What if he commits suicide?”
Discord pretended Scootaloo was not there. “Seventh of all, you can’t cheat on Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo backed away. “Uh… what does that mean?”
Discord pictured Scootaloo wearing underwear. “The eighth one is to never steal from Nicolas Cage.”
Scootaloo scratched her head. “Is it bad that I snuck into Nicolas Cage’s house last night and kidnapped his wife?”
Lyra’s ears drooped down slightly at the mention of the word “wife”.
Discord continued to shun Scootaloo. “The ninth one is to not lie to Nicolas Cage.”
Rainbow Dash raised her hoof.
Rainbow Dash was never seen again.
Scootaloo raised her hoof. “Uh, what did you do to Rainbow Dash?”
Discord put a giant cork in Scootaloo’s mouth. “The tenth Cagemandment… don’t covet Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage belongs to everyone, not just you. But enough about the Cagemandments, that’s the boring part of this lesson! Let’s meet Nicolas Cage himself!” Discord made loud coughing and gagging noises, then spat Nicolas Cage out of his mouth.
Scootaloo spat the cork out and pointed. “Hey, it’s Nicolas Cage!”
Nicolas Cage ran over to Scootaloo and kicked her into space. “YOU DON’T SAY?!”
Albert Wesker stood up, still cradling Lyra. “So, my dear friend, whatever happened to the part in the lesson that involved zombies?”
Discord shrugged. “I forgot on purpose because I wanted to see how you’d react.”
Albert Wesker put Lyra down. “Very well then. I shall react appropriately by taking matters into my own hands.” He tossed several test tubes full of zombie viruses into the classroom, then called in his zombie friends. They bit everything and reanimated it.
Rainbow Dash was seen again.
Discord looked at Nicolas Cage admiringly. “You know what, Albert Wesker? I like him. I think we’ll keep him.”