Being told that someone loved you was a strange experience, and Twilight wasn't quite sure what to think. Her head was reeling from all the truth that came with that statement, and she needed to put on a clear, logical head if she was actually going to handle this situation with care.
It was almost like a punch to the gut, the way it hit her so suddenly and without warning. It left a dull pain too, and Twilight wasn't sure whether this was good or bad.
And that scared her.
Relationships, on a whole, were a lot like a fight, she reasoned with herself. First comes the casual push and shove, the balance of weight and the easy taunting, before the passion and anger builds and the real emotions start to come through in scratches and kicks and screams.
Happy with her revelation, she turned back to face Luna. She had been staring at her all this time, and the expression on her face was clear - she was afraid. Afraid of what twilight would say and how she'd react, afraid of where their relationship would be going. And when Twilight looked into Luna's eyes and saw a shimmer of tears, she knew that her marefriend was a little bit afraid of herself.
Twilight looked up and the stars and vowed to tell Luna how she felt. The only problem was, her feelings had been scrambled by that dreaded punch to the gut, and she wasn't quite sure what was going on at the moment.
"You love me?" she said in a small voice, looking at Luna. Luna nodded.
"I think so. I might even know so. But I ... I'm not sure. I don't really know. It's certainly a lot to take on board," Luna said, suddenly conscious of the fact that she had her wing around Twilight. Would it be improper to keep it there? Or would it be ungrateful to remove it?
"It is," Twilight agreed. She turned her head back to the stars. It was easier to look at them - they were constant and shimmering, a comforting presence for Twilight. She was afraid that if she looked at Luna for too long then she might be overcome with how beautiful she was, and then the rushing punch to the gut would come back to her again.
Suddenly, she found herself chuckling; she tried to mask it but failed. Luna looked at her inquisitively, but then joined in, their laughter rising, the only sound to be heard in the dark of the night.
They laughed for a while, their voices rising and falling, and eventually it died down.
"I'm sorry. It's a bit of a funny situation," Twilight explained, looking at Luna bashfully.
"Is it?"
Twilight blushed. "Well, I've never had anypony tell me that they loved me before. I'm not quite sure what I'm supposed to say."
"Maybe you should try starting at the beginning?" Luna suggested. "I've never been in a situation like this before either, Twilight, and I am just as lost as you are. This is all very new for me."
"But you've had, uh, lovers before me right?" Twilight said, hesitating. She hated the word 'lover' - it always made her think of Rarity's bad romance novels she kept trying to lend to Twilight - but it seemed appropriate in this situation.
Luna gave a throaty chuckle. "A few yes, many thousands of years ago, but ... I did not care for them in the way I care for you. They were merely, as you said, lovers. All mortals too. You can predict the way that went even if you are not psychic."
Luna sighed. It was true, she did not love those ponies like she loved Twilight, but they were still pieces of her heart she could not shatter.
"I'm sorry Luna," Twilight said, nuzzling her fondly, "I know that your past still hurts you, but I can help you," she whispered in Luna's ear, and Luna took in a deep breath, "if you just let me."
"I have started a new chapter now, Twilight Sparkle. The past is behind me, and it shall stay there." Luna pulled away from their embrace and gave her a small smile.
Twilight frowned and turned her head away, mumbling something to herself.
"Hmm?" Luna said.
"You're always pushing me away," Twilight said as she turned around to face Luna again, "You did it earlier, and you're doing it now. Every time we get intimate, or we start talking and I feel like we're getting somewhere new, you turn away from me and change the subject. I understand that it hurts you, but it's going to hurt you forever if you don't talk to me about it - and it's going to hurt me forever too. You've just told me you loved me, so act like you do!"
Twilight drew back, shaking slightly and surprised at how much her outburst actually angered her, and how much of it was true.
Luna drew in a breath nervously, and turned her head away. "I did not realize you felt this way," she said quietly after some time had passed. Twilight had calmed down a bit now, but she found her anger growing because of the remark Luna just made. Why did she have to be so passive?
"Well, I do," Twilight said stiffly, ruffling up her wing feathers again and stretching away from Luna. Earlier her embrace had felt comforting but now it felt suffocating to Twilight. Had it always been that way, or was this just because she was angry? She shook her head and sighed, her emotions stirring inside her like a brewing potion that someone had got wrong, added different ingredients until it was a mess. She was supposed to like Luna. Luna was her marefriend and she was happy with this. She might even be supposed to love Luna - and she did, in some way. Somewhere in her heart, she knew that she did, but she was too angry and too confused to tell whether or not it was real love.
"Twilight, I understand that you feel this way, but I ask of you that you understand. I'm trying, Twilight, I really am. I try so hard every day," Luna murmured, feeling cold now that her marefriend had left her side. "I try so hard and it's because of you. I don't want to make a scene and I don't want to elaborate, because that's not the truth. I could go on and on, making extended metaphors about stars and galaxies, but that's not what this is. The truth is simply that you make me happy." Luna paused, looking Twilight in the eyes. Twilight saw that they were shimmering with tears once again, shimmering with sincerity. "And happy is the best possible thing you could make me feel. Happy is what makes me love you.
"I'm not asking you to think the world of me. I'm not asking you to think that I'm perfect, because I'm not. I want you to see my flaws and love me anyway, but that's not what you're doing. You want me to be faultless and flawless and all these things I'm not because that's what will make you love me. But I can't be that. You don't want a pony with flaws, you want a robot who tells you it loves you."
"It would help if I knew what your flaws were!" Twilight exclaimed. "I can only go so far with what you tell me, Luna. I need you to talk to me, because if you don't then I'm lost, like a traveller without a map. I just ... I don't even know what you're thinking when you look at me anymore - and that scares me a bit."
"I look at you and I think you're beautiful," Luna said.
"That's not what I mean," Twilight said quietly.
Luna took a deep breath, and Twilight thought for a minute she was going to say something. Her heart lifted. Maybe they were getting somewhere now, and not staying stuck in an endless loop of poor communication and hope.
Because that was what was keeping them together, Twilight realised.
Hope.
Luna loved her, and wanted her, and hoped that Twilight would stay with her. Twilight loved Luna as well, but differently. It was true, she loved what Luna could be and the potential she had. Twilight had already achieved goodness, and she hoped that Luna could rise to be as good as she could be - as good as Twilight.
Twilight might not have wanted a robot, but she wanted a hero. Twilight endlessly hoped that Luna could become something more, the something that she loved deep down inside her heart, and that was what kept them together.
There was silence for a moment.
"Are we breaking up?" Luna said softly. Twilight almost laughed; it was such a foalish statement to make, yet the optimistic innocence of it all brought her crashing back down to earth. Their relationship was still new by all common standards, yet they already had built a sense of security around themselves. On the outside they may look like any new couple, but inside there was something mature and dissatisfying about it.
Twilight remembered her earlier revelation about relationships and combat. They had experienced the casual push and shove, and now all that had built up to the real brawl.
"I don't know," she answered Luna. She sighed. "I really don't know."
"I love you," Luna said. Twilight turned to her and saw her eyes were shimmering with tears; the sight made Twilight tear up too.
"Luna - "
"Don't you love me too?"
Twilight pushed Luna away angrily. "Don't try and manipulate me! I don't have to care for you just because you care for me! You may love me, but that's encompassing you, and I can't let it suffocate me. The world doesn't revolve around our relationship Luna. Please, just ... give me time to think."
Luna scrunched up her eyebrows. "I was merely asking. You expect me to trust to and tell you everything, but you're always so angry with me. Give me some time Twilight. I'm not going to fully recover in a few minutes. Your fairy-tale happy ending hero will just have to be put on hold for a while!"
Twilight sat back, stunned into silence.
"I do love you, Luna," she finally managed to say, "but I'm not quite sure my heart can take it."
Luna leaned forward, tentatively nuzzling Twilight. "Let it try," she murmured, before kissing Twilight deeply, her tears dripping down onto Twilight's own face, mingling with her own.
Twilight let Luna kiss her, let Luna's soft lips crash against her own like a tidal wave and let her mouth be explored by Luna's inviting tongue.
"Are you sure you want to -" Luna began saying, her mouth not even having left Twilight's own. it was a whisper only she could here, and the hot breath that danced across her skin made her want to die.
"Don't ask questions I can't answer, Luna," she said breathlessly, before imitating their kiss once again. It was hot and sweaty and Twilight realised that she had somehow managed to rest her hoof on Luna's wing. The cloud was soft underneath then and she pushed Luna down onto it aggressively, climbing on top of her and kissing her again almost desperately.
Luna ran her hooves down Twilight's side and sighed. It was true that she wanted this, and had wanted it for some time now, as new as their relationship was, and she was sure Twilight wanted it to. But after all they had just discussed, there was a feeling of wrongness about it, of desperate desire. Their love was crumbling down right before their eyes, yet they still had this lust to cling onto, something to salvage. They were sifting through the rubble and dust, looking for anything valuable they could get their hooves on.
She wasn't even sure of what she wanted anymore. It was clear that her relationship with Twilight was floundering, and they needed to fix their mistakes, but there was a part of them, a foolish part, that believed everything could stay as it was, though if that did happen Luna knew she wouldn't truly be happy.
But then what did she want? To stay with Twilight in an emotionally crippling relationship? Or to once again have to face her demons alone?
But that was the problem with Twilight. She never wanted to face Luna's demons, only her own. Luna's demons were constantly put on hold.
But you put them on hold yourself, an angry voice inside her head protested. You never tell Twilight what you're fighting.
Luna pushed the voices away in disgust and focused on Twilight Sparkle - the way her eyes shimmered in the moonlight, like pools of amethysts rippling. The way it felt as her hooves, soft as silk, made their way across Luna's wings. That was what really mattered at the moment. Luna knew that after this they were going to have to talk, and she would have to fix things, but she wasn't sure what would happen after that? What would their relationship be like, knowing all the problems they had faced? Could they still survive?
For the moment, Luna was not focused on the future, but on Twilight. In her eyes, Twilight was everything and nothing, the universe and the world.
Twilight was what she wanted. She pushed way all thoughts of trust and demons and her worries and let the lust overtake her, shimmering in her eyes as she brought her on hoof to Twilight's wing.
Twilight was what she wanted. That she now knew for certain.
She was still uncertain, scarily uncertain, of what she needed.
Her uncertainty wasn't what scared her about that.
It was the fact that what she needed was not Twilight anymore.
That was what terrified Luna and what she pushed to the back of her mind as Twilight made her come undone and stitched her back together again, on a cloud far above the twinkling lights of the city of Canterlot.