Cthulhu in Equestria
By Senialhobo
When people hear My Little Pony has a fandom, they think adolescent girls.
When they hear it’s online, they think of those stupid giggly teenage and pre-teen girls.
When they hear it’s made of guys, they think of gay guys.
They DEFINITELY don’t think of me.
You may have heard of me. I’m big, have a grotesque scaly body, have wings, and yes, I have tentacles. Ring any bells? How about the name Cthulhu? Ya, the ‘stupid thing from those silly sci-fi magazines back in the day.’ That’s me. No, I’m not here to devour your world or anything, those anger issues were back before I learned the magic of friendship. Not that many people ever even consider being my friend.
Ever tried looking like me? Every time I go out, people run away. Guess it’s scary to see a 100 foot tall tentacle monster wearing a specially ordered, custom tailored 783XL brony T shirt. Go figure. But you aren’t here to hear about all of my life problems, you’re here to hear my story.
I was sitting in the ruins of R’lyeh in front of my computer, being annoyed by the stupid cultist summoners again. “Stop it you idiots! This is the 348th time you’ve tried to summon me, and every time you somehow get it wrong! Besides, even if you did summon me, I’m no longer in the mood to crush everything and rule the universe, I have ponies to watch!” I said to myself.
I refreshed Equestria daily for the 20th time that minute, hoping for a new article – and there was one! But this one was weird, it talked about how Twilight had broken the fourth wall, and was willing to bring one Brony back with her. The first one to send their name in would win.
Of course, I entered my name as fast as possible, Equestria was definitely better then these stinking ruins. Do you know how slow my internet connection is down here? So anyway, I guess I was the first, because I heard the sound of teleportation behind me.
“Holy Celestia what the heck are you?” Twilight asked.
I turned around and said, “Oh, hi, I’m Cthulhu! God of destruction and biggest brony ever!”
“…What? Did my teleportation spell mess up and make me magically high again? Bronies are supposed to only have four limbs!” Twilight pointed out.
“Those are humans, bronies aren’t a human-exclusive group, though the demographics may indicate that at first glance-“ I was cut off.
“What ARE you?!?” she asked.
“I told you, I’m Cthulhu, god of destruction! And biggest brony ever.” I explained again.
“What, like, species are you? Are you something only found on Earth?” she asked again. So many questions!
“The god of destruction does not need a species! There is only one Cthulhu, and I live here in this… underground basement ruined city thing… alone…” I said.
“Oh, you poor thing! You must be lonely! Are you sure there’s only one of you? Because I might be able to summon another one or copy you-“ I cut her off.
“Well yes, I am lonely here, but you’re here to take me to Equestria, right? Maybe not everyone will run away from me
there…” I droned off.
“Oh, right, Equestria. Let’s see… If I tweak the calculations a bit to adjust for the third dimesion, I can…” She mumbled off.
“What’s that? I can’t hear you-“ I was cut off by being transported.
Suddenly, I was standing in the middle of an orchard. I blacked out from the shock. Funny, wasn’t even sure I COULD
black out before that. Why did I black out? Because it was quite shocking to stand IN an orchard, and not over it. You see, when she teleported me, Twilight had found a way to equate my size and not make me so… gigantic in Equestria.
Being a giant one second and not the next is very shocking, I assure you. I awoke to cold water saturating my face
tentacles.
“Wake up you, we’re here! As you can see, I altered your size a bit.” Twilight explained.
“Yeah, a bit of warning would’ve been nice.” I complained.
“Oh, yeah… sorry… Well, uh, as you can see this is AppleJack’s farm… you should know that, right?” Twilight asked.
“yeah, I know where you all live and all that. So, where is AppleJack-“ I was cut off by a yell. That seemed to be happening a lot lately.
“HOLY CELESTIA TWILIGHT HOW DID YOU SUMMON LORD CTHULHU AND WHY IS ‘E SO SMALL?!?” a yelling
AppleJack asked as she came galloping up.
“What? Summon? Wait – you know who this is? How do you know who Cthulhu is?” Twilight asked.
“Wait. You didn’t summon him then? You aren’t in ah cult about him or anything then right?” AppleJack asked.
“No… Cult? What are you talking about AJ?” Twilight asked again.
“Ah most certainly don’t know about him and ah definitely ain’t in ah cult!” AJ lied. She really is a bad liar.
“I’m guessing you’re in one of my cults then. Just wondering, HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY MESS UP MY SUMMONS
EVERY SINGLE TIME?” I asked, facepalming. “Honestly, it’s really annoying.”
“Twilight, let mah ask ya again. What is the god of destruction doing here in Equestria? And why is he so small? Shouldn’t he be, like, a giant ‘r somethin’?” AJ asked.
“Oh, yeah, ignore my question. I mean, I’m only THE GOD OF DESTRUCTION you know.” I complained.
“Well, I finally broke through the fourth wall with Pinkie’s help, and I promised to bring back one of our fans – ‘bronies’ – but for some reason it wasn’t a human that signed up first, it was… him.” Twilight explained.
“Yeah, just continue ignoring me.”
“Yah brought the god ah destruction to Equestria? Well… why is he so small…” AJ asked.
“Still just sitting here…”
“I accounted for his size while teleporting back, and made a few adjustments to the spell. This way he won’t go around crushing things.” Twilight explained.
“…are you two done?” I asked.
“Yes.” Twilight said.
“Just wondering, why would a pony from the land of friendship be interested in summoning me?” I asked.
“Well, ah didn’t even really think ya were real. Ah-“ AppleJack was cut off by a thump, and a yell.
“OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH OH MY GOSH IS THAT CTHULHU AJ YOU FINALLY SUMMONED HIM WOW!” Rainbow
Dash had apparently been sleeping in a nearby tree, and our talk had disturbed her. She saw me and fell out of the tree, then got up and dashed over.
“I still have some questions for AppleJack, Twilight, you seem happy enough with explaining all this stuff, can you explain everything to Rainbow Dash?” I asked.
“Sure.” Twilight said.
“You were saying?” I asked AppleJack.
“Well, so Ah didn’t think ya were real. Ah read this article by H.P. FriendCraft, and it seemed kinda funneh. A, uh, friend a
mine suggested we look intah it. I’ve never taken it vereh seriously, but it kindah became a bondin’ activity between all of us.” AppleJack explained.
Well, the rest of this part is kinda boring. We just went around meeting everypony. When I met Pinkie, she claimed this called for a party. Rarity said it was fabulous they had finally succeeded. Even Fluttershy was very happy to see me.
Finnally, the sun was almost down, and Twilight decided it was time to go home.
“Come on Cthulhu, you can stay with me, at least for tonight. I did bring you here after all, so I guess I should accommodate you…” Twilight said, tired from trudging all over the town.
“Okay dokay loki.” I said.
“But what about a party for the dread lord?” Pinkie asked.
“You can throw your ‘dread lord party’ tomorrow Pinkie. It’s time for bed.” Twilight said.
“Twilight is of course right. I’m heading home now, and I suggest you do the same Pinkie.” Rarity observed.
“…but I just had all that sugar!” Pinkie complained.
“We know, ya’ been hoppin round us since! Go on home, you know you’ll probably crash as soon as ya do.” AppleJack said.
“Oh fine…” Pinkie said, hopping off.
Twilight and I trudged back to the library, discussing events as we did.
“I can’t believe they were all in a cult and I didn’t know about it!” Twilight complained.
“Well, being in a cult isn’t exactly something you go around telling everyone…” I explained.
“I know, but EVERY ONE of them was in it! What, did they think I couldn’t handle it or something?” She asked.
“Now I’m sure it wasn’t anything like that-“ I was interrupted, for what seemed like the fiftieth time that day. A god of destruction can only take being interrupted so many times, you know.
“IS THAT CTHULHU?!?” A voice cried. We had taken back roads to avoid ponies seeing us, and we were at the library’s back door, so who could it be?
As Twilight opened the door, a purple dragon came running at me. Of course! Spike!
“Spike, you can’t be in that cult TOO!”Twilight exclaimed.
“Uh… cult? I’m not in a cult! Uh, why would I want to be in a cult?” Spike tried to lie, very badly.
“Oh, let him be Twilight. Cult’s aren’t as bad as their image makes them out to be.” I said.
“I just can’t believe all my friends are in it and don’t tell me! Who else in it? Maybe Mayor Mare is one of the leaders! Maybe Cranky is in it, even though I’ve been here longer! Who knows?” Twilight asked.
“Actually, I know, and you’re right on both counts.” Spike said.
“OH COME ON! Next you’ll be telling me owlicious is in it too!” Twilight said, very annoyed.
“Well, it’s more of an honorary title than anything but…” Spike droned off.
“Sorry for interrupting, but even though I am a god of destruction I still need to sleep…” I said.
“I have a room all set up over there.” She said, pointing to a room. “As for you, you’re coming with me.” She said, hauling Spike up the stairwell.
“Help me Cthulhu!” He pleaded as he was drug up the stairs.
He was crazy if he thought I was gonna touch that! I may be a god of destruction, but I’m not stupid! I went into the bedroom and settled in for the night. I had a big day ahead of me tomorrow!