Sometimes, Applejack found herself glad that she couldn't remember her parents all that well. It wasn't because she didn't love them. From what she remembered she knew she loved them, but she often found herself thinking this. Usually it was after seeing her brother coming down from a fit.
Big Mac got these 'fits' where he would freeze up and start to shake. Whenever Mac started to hyperventilate, Granny Smith would shoo Applejack and Applebloom out.
Which brought Applejack to her current thoughts as she and Applebloom left the house, closing the door behind them. Applejack could hear Granny Smith start to try to bring Mac out of it, but it soon faded as the two sisters walked further away. If Big Mac got like that just by simple reminders of their parents, she was glad she didn't remember much. You couldn't mourn somepony you didn't remember, you could only mourn the place they left. Their idea. Applejack didn't mourn for Mom and Dad, she mourned for a mom and dad.
She could only wounder what Big Mac went through.
Mac clenched his teeth as a wave of anxiety washed over him. Granny Smith stood next to him, rubbing his back. He could feel his hooves starting to split. Could feel as multiple animal forms tried to take shape. Scales started to creep up his back legs while feathers ran down his chest. He could feel two large venom filled fangs push their way through his gums. All he could see was his parent's death. Hear their screaming as the were ripped apart.
"Mac"
Granny Smith's broke through to him, her calm steady voice pushing back the multiple transformations slightly.
"Macintosh, find one of your safe animals."
Safe animals. Mac had a select few animals he felt most calm as. He reached inside himself and pulled out his most favorite. Big Mac's form shimmered and a greater bamboo lemur took his place. The small primate was scooped up by Granny Smith and placed gently on a soft cushion seated in a chair. Mac curled up, hands and feet tucked under him. His long thick tail wrapped around his body, laying across his white ear tufts.
Granny Smith sighed as she looked at her grandson.
"Macintosh, ya've gotta tell somepony 'bout this. I won't be around for much longer, an' yer gonna need somepony to help ya."
Mac shuddered at the words. Granny Smith dieing was something that he feared greatly. He loved her, everypony loved her. He didn't want her to leave. He supposed he was also being selfish, she was his rock. Without her, he may just fall apart.
Big Mac shimmered into a fennec fox, distracting himself. He sat up straight as Granny Smith patted his head.
"I think it best ya tell Applejack and Applebloom."
The shape shifter lowered his head and pinned back his ears. He knew she was right. They were his sisters and they deserved to know the truth. Applejack was the Element of Honesty, she held being truthful in high regard. But would they understand? Understand why he lied for so long? Understand his fear? Understand why their parents were dead.
That was the main problem. If he told them about his ability to shift, he would have to tell them how their parents died. How it was his fault.
Mac was startled out of his thoughts by a gentle flick on his nose. Granny Smith huffed down at him.
"I know what you're thinking, young stallion, so stop it right now. It was not your fault."
Big Mac whined. Granny shooed him to the floor.
"None of that. Now I know you must be tired, why don't you go lay down"
Macintosh shimmered back into his original form, head hung low. He hugged his grandmother before trudging up the stairs to his room. Mac flopped down on his bed and closed his eyes. He was tired of being scared all the time. Tired of hiding. Tired of pretending. Tired of being numb.
It was his fault his parents were dead. His fault his sisters grew up without a mother or father. His fault blood ran a river from gaping wounds.
So tired.
Tired of being tired.
Applejack and Applebloom sat under a tree, the younger tossing a stick for Winona. The dog barked happily and chased after the stick again. Applebloom smiled slightly but soon frowned. The filly leaned back against the tree as she rolled a small rock around under her hooves.
"Applejack. . . do you think Big Mac will ever get better?"
AJ tipped her hat back.
"I'm not sure little Bloom. He saw somethin' horrible when he was a youngin, an' it scared him. Now he gets stuck sometimes."
"Stuck?"
The orange cowpony sighed sadly.
"Yeah. He gets stuck in his head, thinkin 'bout what scared him."
Applebloom was quite as she thought, absentmindedly tossing the stick again.
"How does he get unstuck?"
" 'm not sure, AB. It seems only Granny Smith knows how to do that."
The sisters sat in silence, both thinking about their older brother.
". . . maybe we could learn to help him too."