Insecurity
Fluttershy sat at her couch with her arms crossed. She hated being angry. It was the worse feeling in the world. She rather cry and be sad. At least she knew how to be sad. But anger? It was foreign and terrifying. She wanted to lash out some more, throw something, and maybe even go find Pinkie to yell at her. Oh, she felt like a monster. She said she accepted Pinkie’s apology, so why was she still so angry at her friend? Why had she said those horrible words. Did she really mean it when she said she didn’t want Pinkie’s friendship? No, of course not!
Pinkie’s words returned to her. Grinding her teeth Fluttershy snatched a pillow and yelled into it. She yelled and yelled until her voice was sore because she wasn’t used to yelling, and even then she yelled some more. She was angry at Pinkie for making her scared; for hurting her feelings. She was angry at herself for not letting it go and now she said those horrible things. Look at yourself Fluttershy, you’re overreacting because she couldn’t realize when something wasn’t funny. She was being simply Pinkie Pie… Still, she needs to know her place!
She knew she didn’t want to be angry at Pinkie Pie. She wanted to stay friends with her. Maybe she was coming down with something? Surely there had to be a better reason for her anger besides Pinkie blatantly pointing out her fears like they were a joke! She didn’t even know what stage fright was!
A thumping sound caught her attention. She blinked, looking up with bloodshot eyes from crying. “Angel?” her voice croaked, worn out form her yelling. He thumped against the floorboards a few times with his big foot, giving her a stern look. She knew it well and slowly nodded, fixing herself in a somewhat composed manner. “Yeah…” she whispered, her throat hurting a little form talking. “I did throw a temper tantrum. Its… she laughed at my fears. Pinkie of all ponies should know laughing at someone isn’t nice. I thought she understood that…”
Angel rolled his eyes, hopping up to the table next to her couch. He kicked up the drawer open and retrieved some paper and a pen. “No, I don’t think he would know what to do. Well maybe he would… I just don’t know how to control my anger. Sometimes I feel like a silly foal.” He shook it in her face some more, eyebrow raised. Sighing the pegasus took the pen and paper, reaching over to her desk to begin her letter. There was no fighting that bunny at times. He gave her the tough love she needed. Her correspondent wouldn’t be pleased with her behavior either. Would he lecture her? Oh, she hoped he might be able to help. Being angry was such a horrible feeling. “Oh Pinkie this is all your fault! But… It’s my fault too…”
She began her letter, breathing as the pen scraped across the page in her teeth. Her jaw worked with a master pen-ship, placing dots and lines in a rapid fire session. Their language only took up a small little bit of room for each word. The concentration required to write came naturally. It even calmed her down, relieving her of that horrible emotion. She wrote until she described every fiber, every reason as to why she couldn’t stand Pinkie at this time. She even wrote about how she wished she wasn’t so angry. Finally a message was made. She hoped it conveyed her confusion, fear, and most importantly her anger.
Surely the god of chaos knew how to control such disarray of conflicting emotions. He was the master of controlling chaos after all. It surely took an understanding like no other to be able to do those things. With a sigh she also thought about how he was her good friend. Even if he didn’t know anger inside out like she hoped, he’d still know her well enough to help her. Giving the letter to angel for him to take to the post office she sighed in resignation.
The pegasus curled up on her couch to sleep. There simply wasn’t anything else for her to do. She was now suddenly tired from her exertion. It hurt her to think that Pinkie Pie was out there heart broken, but she’d be OK in the end. She’d apologize to Pinkie for being so angry later. She’d tell her friend she was extra sorry. Pinkie would be Pinkie and probably say something stupid in return to make her want to take her apology back… She’d say something along the lines of how she was being immature. How she was being mean. Which was all true but she’d be laughing all the while; laughing at her anger, laughing at her feelings.
A whimper left Fluttershy. She struggled to sleep and put those horrible thoughts away. The demon of insecurity was at its finest that day. It took its toll on her. Finally sleep came, but nightmares ran amok in her mind. Laughing ponies surrounded her, pointing out all of her flaws. It was like Discord being mean in the maze, but thousands and thousands of them doing it. It was her friend this time. She sniffed and cried in her sleep, wishing all of the Pinkie Pies would just go back to their mirror pool. Her dreams began to take on a darker form as she shoved one Pinkie away from her. Then she couldn’t stop… She was just so angry.
Her hoof connected with another Pinkie’s face.
oO0Oo
Pinkie Pie woke up with a little groan, rubbing her nose. She swore someone had punched her rather hard. But no she remembered flying into the cave wall on entering her secret place knocking her out. She really needed to figure out another way of doing that, but because she was an earth pony magic was a little more complicated. Her tail twitched before a big drop of water plopped onto her head. That was silly, water dropping on her head. Her tail wouldn’t twitch in a rainstorm. Or did it? Sometimes she was so hyped on sugar it was hard to tell if she was twitching or she was just on a good buzz. “Hehehe” Pinkie giggled to herself at the thought. Mushrooms on the cave walls began to glow a pretty pink at her current mood.
She didn’t know how she could do it, but she could do it. It was like her Pinkie Sense. Sometimes when she was so sad or so happy she could come to this place; most of the time it was when she was sad. Like when Gummy got really sick and she thought he’d die. The mushrooms sticking out of the walls turned a deep blue. No one else knew about this place. It was all hers. Her secret thinking place for super-duper thinking. Not the kind of thinking one did for math. No, this was the kind of thinking one did when life changing decisions were on the line; like moving out of her home and into Ponyville. It was so scary at that time but so exciting too.
The memories of Fluttershy returned to her. The cave radiated with blue light as Pinkie’s heart fell into her stomach. Now she was faced with another Big Thinker. That’s what she liked to called them, Big Thinkers. The pink pony walked forward to the edge of a pool. Slowly, she looked into it to see her reflection. Once curly hair lay limp around her shoulders her blue eyes lightly brimming with tears. A drop escaped from her eye, falling into her reflection and disturbing it. She didn’t want to lose her friend. It was as simple as that. She just didn’t want to lose her friend. Not over something like this.
She continued to look at herself in the pool, staring at the other pink pony. “You look pretty sad there friend, you should smile.” she talked, imagining that it was her reflection talking to her.
“But Fluttershy doesn’t want to see me smile… She’s angry at me.” Pinkie replied to herself.
“Well, what are you going to do about it?” Her reflection asked, raising an eyebrow at her.
Sitting on her haunches Pinkie mused. “She said that I shouldn’t do anything.”
“She’s lying to you.”
“Oh, sure. I know she is… I just, I can’t do anything I’d normally do. That’s it, I need to change how I approach this!”
“Atta girl!” Her reflection cheered, breaking away from the sitting pony and swinging her hoof in excitement.
“No Pinkie.” Pinkie said to herself. “I can’t get excited. That’s what got me into this mess.”
The reflection put a hoof to her chin, looking away in thought. “Oh yeah… But not getting excited would be like changing yourself for her. Sure, you wouldn’t make anyone upset again by your antics, but come on, that’s an absurd idea! Not having wild fun is silly.” She was going to try and add that a little change would be OK, but as Pinkie Pie does, she took it to a whole new level.
She gave a loud gasp, her hooves shooting into the crystal water grabbing her reflection’s shoulders. “That’s ingenious! I’ll change myself! I’ll be more serious, I’ll be considerate! I won’t eat sugar, I’ll stop drinking coffee. Ooh, and most importantly.” She pulled her other Pinkie out, the reflection looking around her a little freaked out. “I’ll stop trying to be funny! B-because that’s what I was trying to do. Just be funny. And it hurt Fluttershy…” Reflection Pinkie Pie raised a hoof and smacked her counterpart across the face. “Ouch!” Pinkie exclaimed, letting her reflection fall back into the water.
“Pinkie Pie, don’t be ridiculous!”
“Aww, but I’m so good at it!”
Her reflection rolled her eyes crossing her arms. “You bring smiles to your friends. That’s what those balloons on your booty are for.” Both of them giggled at the use of the b-word, the mushrooms in the room deviating to a quick pink before returning to their blue. “Pinkie, you can’t just stop being you. That’s so silly.”
“B-but.” Pinkie started, her lip trembling as she thought of it even more. “I made Fluttershy sad! Then she cried… And she was so scared. Oh, I laughed at her being scared.”
“You didn’t laugh at her, you were-.”
“I made her angry then. I made her really angry. I didn’t know she’d get angry at me. But I’d be angry too if someone were laughing at my fears. Fluttershy showed me that. No one likes being laughed at.”
Her reflection sighed, seeing that the panic was returning. “You didn’t laugh at her. You were trying to help her see her fears so she could take them on.”
“I hurt her! I made her mad! Now she doesn’t wanna be my friend.” Pinkie cried, now losing herself again. She wanted to just disappear at that moment, never to return. Oh wait… She’d already disappeared; she just didn’t need to return. She’d stay here, with her reflection for the rest of her life! And eat mushrooms to live. What did those mushrooms taste like? Maybe they’d make her go loco in the woco and she wouldn’t care about it anymore. Oh, but she did care, she wanted to care. That’s why she was here wasn’t she?
“-And that’s why you just need to be you… You weren’t even listening.” Her reflection exasperated, apparently having been talking while Pinkie was in thought. Oh no, even her reflection was getting upset at her. “No, I am not upset. You know what, fine, let’s say you do this! Who’s gonna make everyone smile?”
Pinkie looked at herself in the pool, frowning. It was such an ugly expression. “I can still make them smile.” she forced a smile to punctuate her point. “I just…” it fell away with a deep sigh. “Don’t need to smile myself.”
Her reflection threw her hooves up into the air in exasperation. The room took on a deep red. “Oh come on, that’s not what you need to do. See, listen to your voice of reason for once. That’s what you need to do. A little change is good, not that much!”
Pinke knew red was for anger and the aggravation in her reflection’s voice proved it. She had made another pony upset. With a look of resignation she knew what she had to do!
“I’ll be a responsible party pony.
A friend like no other friend can have!
I’ll change my ways!”
Pinkie started into song, feeling this was right. The pony got up, walking around the pool. Her reflection groaned as she followed her.
“No, listen to me.
That’s what you need to do.
Follow reason, not a broken heart.”
Pinkie jumped over onto a rock jutting out of the pool’s surface. She stared at her reflection, a sad smile on her features. It wasn’t ugly like a frown, but it wasn’t bright like her normal smile. She’d stick with this. Surely a sad smile was better than no smile at all. Yes, she liked that.
“Don’t worry silly filly
I’ll smile and give a smile
Because that’s what I do!”
“You’ll be sad.
You won’t enjoy their smiles.
Talk with Fluttershy.
She’s kind, she’ll forgive!
Trust her to be a good friend.”
Pinkie jumped to another stone jutting out, throwing her curly mane through the air. She remembered her mother fussing about her mane style. She remembered the looks the cake’s had when she first came to Ponyville needing a job. Looks meant something to other ponies. They showed what kind of pony someone was. Don’t read a book by its cover was a lie. Everyone read books by their covers even Twilight! She’d show she was a good friend to have. She’d make sure they kept on smiling.
“I’ll change my looks.
I’ll cut my mane,
I’ll straighten my tail.
I’ll tame my silly,
and hide my crazy!”
“No Pinkie!
Please, you’ll hurt yourself.
Those rocks are slippery.
This isn’t the answer.
She’s still your friend.
She’ll forgive you.
Just do as she says.
and give her time!
“Just forget this change thing,
I’m sorry I mentioned it,
stay who you are,
Stay true to you.”
Pinkie sored through the air to the next rock, feeling adrenaline rush through her veins. This is how it had to happen. She would change herself for her friend. Fluttershy held a special place in her heart like everyone else did. With one crack the loss such a valuable person in her life would break into a thousand shards. Like a rock going through a window.
“My friends are everything to me.
They are the world
They are the sun and moon.
Without them I wouldn’t be me!”
“Pinkie you decide who you are.
Don’t change yourself for them
They’re your friends and they love you
They don’t want-not-that-rock!”
Pinkie laughed as she jumped for the slimy stone. She sored through the air with a purpose. Her hoof outstretched before it touched cave rock and stuck, landing perfectly. Her reflection looked back at her with wide eyes. The pink pony stood on the dangerous rock with one hoof, sticking her others out for balance. “Silly don’t you see. I know exactly what I’m doing.” she declared, looking at her reason with a smug expression. Her reflection looked back at her, slowly nodding as the point was made.
Now she would make sure that she changed not only on the inside, but the outside as well. Pinkie looked behind her slowly dipping her tail into the pool’s surface. She held it there for more than a minute, though not two, bringing it out as straight as can be. Next she smiled at her reflection that looked back at her with such a sad face. Leaning down, Pinkie kissed her reflection on the forehead. She continued descending into the pool’s surface, washing away all the fun that held her mane in its bouncy state. Pink oil bled from her hair, dissipating into the clear water. Lifting her head she slowly blinked, the water dripping down her face. This is what she would do for her friends. Just so long as they smiled. This is how it had to be.
oOoO0OoOo
“Wow Jordan, you actually went with this one?”
“Yeah, I know. Fluttershy being angry? You not listening to your voice of reason? It’s a pretty horrible chapter. However, one key thing I learn about writing is to stay confident.”
“Well, OK. Good job Jordan!”
“Thanks Pinkie.”
“But… How do I get out of here again? I mean, I got into my secret place, but how do I get back?”
“Oh, I think your reflection should know.”
“She’s kind of upset at me at the moment though… Oooh, I hurt her feelings.”
“Hey don’t cry, just ask her.”
“OK… Hey me, do you remember how to get out.”
“Yeah… Take a left and just stick to the right side of the caves until you get out. Don’t bother looking at any mirrors for a while though…”
“But! oohh…”
“Hey, wasn’t that easy?”
“Yeah…”
“Maybe you should do it with another pon-Pinkie? Where’d you go? Oh, she’s already gone.”