So, let’s recap. My roommate made me go to a shrink for visions that haven’t bothered me–or anybody else for that matter–in my entire life. She made me go see a hypnotist. A friggin' light comes from absolutely nowhere, and suddenly, I get teleported to some crazy alternate dimension where everything is bright and multi-colored, and there are talking, flying, magic freaking horses. Yeah, I've lost it.
Now, where do I continue? Well, I figured I’d leave out the six times I woke up, saw the purple unicorn, and passed out again. You know what they say, “seventh time's the charm,” right?
~~~~~~
“How long do you think she’s going to keep doing this for?”
“I don’t know. It’s been two hours now, and all she has been doing is waking up, looking at us, and passing out.”
Oh thank God, that sounded like Bonnie. I groggily got up, realizing again that I didn’t have any fingers. “Oh good, you’re here, Bonnie.. What’s going on?” Opening my eyes, I saw that the one I thought was Bonnie was just another horse. “ Okay, you're a horse too. Well, this was fun once again, but I think I'm gonna go back to sleep until this stops happening.”
“No, wait! For the love of Celestia, stop!” the purple horse screamed at me.
A strange force kept me upright. “Well now, this is… odd. Fine, I’m awake. Now, could Dream-Horse-Bonnie tell me what’s going on and Dream-Horse-Teresa maybe stop with whatever the hell she’s doing right now?”
“Lyra, are you sure you’re okay?”
“Wow. Great, my dream doesn’t even know my own name. Well to answer your question, no, no I am not okay. Not at all. One
second I’m at a hypnotist with some light floating over my head, the next I’m on some bad acid trip or something, and not only am I talking to colored horses, I am one.”
“Pony,” Horse-Teresa said.
“Pony. Ah, it all makes sense now. Wait no, it still isn’t any better. Fine, pony it is then. But thank you for that lesson on dream species Dream-Pony-Teresa.”
“Twilight.”
“What?” I asked.
“Twilight. My name is Twilight, not ‘Dream-Pony-Teresa,’ And you are not in a dream, you are in my home. You and Bon Bon came to my house for some brain scans.”
“What? No, Bonnie and I were with a hypnotist, Teresa, in her house, having a perfectly normal, hypnotic evening.” I looked over at the beige-colored pony. “Bonnie, tell her.”
“L-Lyra, if this is another prank, you’re scaring me. Please stop.”
“Okay, listen. This isn’t some prank. I really do not know what is going on here. One second I am a human, I am in a hypnotic session, and then some ball of light thing appears over my head. Then, the light ball goes all supernova and suddenly bam, I'm waking up here as a pony. Now, I can only assume this is all some dream using my visions as fuel or something.”
“Wait, did you say you have visions and that you’re human?” Twilight asked.
“Yeah. Why?”
“Bon Bon, that kind of sounds like what you told me happened at Psych’s office.”
“Wait, wait, wait. Are you saying that actually happened? I thought I just fell asleep in his office, and that was just a dream. This is a dream, isn’t it? I’m not actually a pony right now, am I?”
Twilight rubbed her head. “I don’t get paid enough for this crap,” she mumbled under her breath.
“You don’t get paid for any of this,” the purple-and-green lizard replied.
“What in God’s name doesn’t talk here? First, talking ponies. Now, talking lizards.”
The lizard puffed out his chest. “Excuse me, but I’m a dragon, not a lizard.”
“You don't look like much of a dragon, ya know.”
The dragon’s chest deflated and his smile disappeared.
“He’s only fifteen,” Twilight replied.
“Not what I would picture a kid dragon to be. Wait, why do I even care? Okay, if this is real, then do whatever you did, but this time like in reverse, I guess, and send me back. This has been a nice chat and all, but I’m starting to miss my body… and fingers… and feet.”
Twilight sat next to me and put her hoof on my shoulder “Lyra, I don’t know what happened. You are the one who did this.”
“Me? I-I didn’t do anything! And stop calling me Lyra. That isn’t my name! It’s Lauren! I didn’t want to do any of this shit!!”
“Lyr–Lauren. Please calm down.” Twilight looked frightened, and the dragon was backing away slowly.
“Calm down? You want me, of all people, to calm down? I. Am. A. Freaking. Pony! I’ll calm down right after I’m a person again!” I slammed my right foreleg down on the bench I was sitting on. The bench split right where I hit it, splintering in every direction as I went crashing to the floor. When I lifted my head up, I saw that Bon Bon was in the corner, sobbing. “Sorry” was all I could mumble.
“Lauren, why don’t we go upstairs to the guest room and you can rest for the night?” Twilight said softly.
“Okay.” I sat in the pile of splintered wood for a second more before getting up. I moved one leg, then a second, and I instantly fell down with a hard thud. “Twilight, one issue. How do I walk?”
“Oh for Celestia’s sake.” Twilight’s horn glowed, and I was enveloped in a purple light that floated me up the stairs and into a bedroom. Twilight also decided to let me go a good three feet–wait, hooves maybe? Three hooves? Or maybe they have meters? Either way, she dropped me a short distance onto the bed.
“Hey!”
“That’s for breaking my library bench, which you’re going to pay for. So, how do I know you aren’t lying about all this and just playing some elaborate prank?”
“Look, I don’t know what I have to do or say to you that would prove I’m not some pony.”
“Well, I can think of one way to prove it to me.” Twilight started walking towards me with a very evil grin on her face. When she was within reach, she lifted her foreleg up and just mumbles, “Sorry.”
“For wh–!” I buckled over in pain, winded and grasping at my head. Holy Jesus, Mother Mary, and Joseph! Whatever she did was more painful than being slammed in the stomach. By the time the pain subsided, Bon Bon and the little dragon were standing in the doorway.
“Twi, what happened?” the dragon asked.
Twilight calmly replied, “Oh nothing. Just a jab to the horn. Also, she is telling the truth.”
“What in Celestia’s name prompted you to jab her in the horn?” Bon Bon was in Twilight’s face. “You have to know how much that hurts a unicorn! Look at her!”
“Yes, I do.” Twilight snapped back. “And I’m sure you know that any unicorn would never just let somepony hit their horn. She didn’t even move. I don’t even think she realized she had one until now. So if she was actually Lyra, she would have moved out of the way.”
“I don’t care! We could have maybe figured it out without doing that to her!”
“Stop. Both of you. Stop. Look, if you both now believe that I am not Lyra, then I can forgive Twilight, but God damn, never do that again. So, any ideas on getting me back to my body?”
“Nope, this is all still you,” Twilight replied.
“Nothing. You have like a billion books in this place, and you have no ideas? I mean look at this, even the walls of this bedroom are lined with books. There’s nothing in any of them?” The only walls that didn’t have books were the hallways.
“I have read every book here. I don’t remember reading anything about somepony’s body switching with something from another world,” Twilight deadpanned. “There are a couple fiction books like that, though nothing real.”
“Well, this is just great. I’m going to be stuck as a mint-green pony for the rest of my life. Great, just great. The next thing I know, you’ll be telling me that I don’t have a guitar. Not that I’d know how to play one with hooves.”
Twilight and Bon Bon both had a puzzled look on their faces. “What’s a guitar?” they both said in unison.
“Kill me now, please. Make it fast.”