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Lyra, an innocent young pony from Ponyville is suffering from strange visions of another world, strange creatures, and a whole different reality. What's happening to this pony? Is it a health issue? Is she insane? Or is it something different altogether, is she really seeing visions of another universe?
Thanks to Halfsquat851 and Lab for editing, and Refferee for the countless mistake point outs. Thanks to TheArtrix for the cover art.
In featured box 10/18/2014
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Howdy, the name's Kalash93, and I'd like to write up a review for your story. May I do so?
@Bullet25…
For Chapter 1...
1. Not bad at all, you have a solid story-premise. I like that this is mind-swap story rather than an insanity story.
2. Some refinement suggestions...
- a. Lyra to Laura (more phoenetically similar than Lauren, unless you are deliberately punning Lauren Faust)
- b. Twilight to Tara (instead of Teresa, which would pun voicer Tara Strong)
3. You have a few spelling & typo errors, but nothing glaringly obvious (poor technical writing gets an automatic thumbs-down from me every time, regardless of story-quality). I would advise going over with a literary fine-tooth comb at some point, later.
4. Too early for me to render a Like or Dislike decision, but I will continue to read your fan-fiction.
2622837
I'll think about the name suggestions. I wasn't trying to pun Lauren Faust, I didn't even think of Faust when writing it but I did think of Tara but decided against it because i didn't want to really pun the voice actress's name.
2622624
Sure, I guess...
2623292...
5. If you intend to pun, then I suggest using Lauren and Tara. If you do not intend to pun, then I advise using Laura and Teresa.
6. The "trick" to coming up with a good alternative name to the canon name is to keep the alternative name as similar to the canon name in phonetics &/or syllables.
Example(s):
- Lyra (Ly-ra) to Laura (lor-ra); both ending with an "ah" sound)
- BonBon (bon-bon) to Bonnie (Bon-nee)
- Canterlot (Can-ter-lot) to Chicago (Chi-ca-go); both starts with "C", and if you ever looked at the canon map of Equestria, Canterlot is in the center of the continent (like Chicago)
- Twilight Sparkle (4 syllables total) to Teresa Sparks (4 syllables total)
7. There is a simple yet wholly effective method for coming up with viable alternative names, so simple most either dismiss it or scoff at it...
Say it out loud.
Do not just sit at your desk and mumble it under your breath. Look up & above your computer screen, or better yet stand up; then speak out both names, canon & alternate, clearly (not necessarily "loudly", but definitely "clearly"). If the alternate name "rolls off your tongue" as well as the canon name, then you have a viable alternate name to use.
I like it. This seems like it could turn out to be a good story. Keep writing, buddy.
Came from TheArtrix. Looks like something great I'll have to read.
2678878 Ya me too, haven't read it yet but it looks good.
Good writing. I am definitely fully interested now.
Very interesting so far. I find myself feeling it should have a potentially dark warning based on the territory you're venturing into. (SO thinking she's insane and all) Either way I'm overjoyed to see an update and I can't wait for more.
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cdn.meme.li/instances/300x300/33815361.jpg ?
Also thanks.
2744076
First of all thank you. Secondly I really haven't planed on anything dark, I'm not a huge fan of it myself. I also don't see why her thinking she is insane, at least to the degree I have now, would need a Dark tag. Twilight does go insane in an episode of the show... Maybe I'm missing something? I'll ask the guy who is editing for me if he thinks a dark tag is necessary.
2745416 You're entirely welcome! I was pondering a dark tag more because I wasn't sure how the fic was gonna go (Go you for being unpredicatable!
) and I could see it getting rather dark. Hearing you're not a fan though really reassures me it wouldn't likely be necessary.
Sorry for jumping to that conclusion, I've just had the experience before of getting really into a fic only to discover late that a dark warning would've been nice
*Sees update*
*Sqeals in a frequency only dogs can hear*
Oh, not this again. Writers seem to do this constantly.
2852528
I kno.
“I assumed it was for more scientific things. That’s why I was recommended to Twilight.
1. Forgot to put your closing quotation mark.
That song was nice, quite a calming and gentle tone to it too.
2852528
2852734
Ehh, it might be something of a cliche but it's the way I thought the story flowed. It's also the last I was going to say on it.
2852840
That's for noticing. I'll fix that when I'm at computer and not a phone. As for the song that's what I was going for. Surprisingly there aren't very many calm guitar instrumentals from the Brony community.
2852840
Sieg für spellcheck!
...sorry, its 6in the morn and I need to go to bed... (Your avatar made me think in German for a minute...)
2853252 Nah it's cool. Just doing adorable little things for adorable little Lyra
2852528 I KNOW! aren't we just super bastards that have no soul because we ate something that was part of another creature, must make us the most evil thing ever if our diet wants us too, i mean, in the real world, not some fantasy about foodchains and survival, food is an ambiant force that creatures absorb, like Gandalf said "Use the food, harry".
*Grins* Very cute XD
BOOK TO THE FACE a very effective move for shutting up annoying siblings
I head you talking about me
1. Heard.
3188404
fixed, thanks again.
When the next chapter?.
3224683
When ever its done being in my head and on paper.
You DO realize Spike is a perfectly valid human name, right? It's a nickname, but still.
3291731
Yes I do, but I don't think that it fits. In kind of think it to be an odd name anyway for a person, more of a dogs name IMO.
Hmm, well I'm certainly enjoying this story! I like the characters, both human and pony and I'm eager to see what happens next! Keep up the good work!
I like this story, please continue!
Oh wow, this is perfect! Stumbled onto this from TheArtrix's gallery, and couldn't stop reading.
Twilight looked frighten
body switching with something for another world
1. Frightened.
2. From.
Gold
3775296
Thanks again.
Wonderfully done!
This is FREAKEN AMAZING
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please Write MOAR
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ouch, poor Lauren. First the magic ball then not being able to walk, then pain and now no guitar. This is gonna be a rough trip for her.
Also I...wow...Twilight is seriously suffering from some serious personality issues here. Why is she such a witch? I get she's frustrated and stressed but what the heck? She just seems so obnoxious and then incredibly sadistic...
the laughter has been doubled! :lunalaugh:
and now another meme is out there, and The lyra on my desk is pouting. stop it
(No)
fine... wait... (KNOCK)
(OWWOWOWOWOWOWOWWWW!!!!!!!! WHAT THE BUCK MAN?! WHY DID YOU HIT ME HORN!?!?!)
wondered if it would work
I gotta say, this is one of the best and original story of Lyra I've read since Anthropology. It's been a while since I've been this entertained by her character, but because there is a human version of her and the world of Equestria, I had just had to put this up with my most favorite of any fic of MLP. I absolutely love the concept of alternate worlds and to have the humor and perspective jumps around perfectly tickles my fancy. Keep up the good work!
I think we'll take that as a yes... Ehehehehehe...
4023590 Eeyup!
Ah, I see we've located She Who Must Not Be Named.
*grins* hmm...progress.
Best Lyra story since Anthropology. You'd better finish it!
What that, that square glass and plastic thing I found in my pocket?
Its technology, its actually working off
1. This sentence can be constructed in two ways, one is to simply change What to What's. The other would be just to take out the first That. Either way it's your decision.
2. It's.
Inb4 Lauren's mom somehow charters a flight to where Lyra is right now
3989335
4027897
Thanks. Anthropology is one of my favorite fanfic so to see this being compared to it is huge for me. It's the story that got me liking the Lyra character too.
4027920
Thanks again. Just goes to so that even with somebody proofreading/editing things can still go missed.
4028500 Nothing is truly full proof, it there were then quite a few alcoholics would have died from alcohol poisoning from just one sip.
Oh wait, wrong full proof
4028567
It is pointless to make things foolproof. Nature just makes better fools.
I saw this updated and if I was drinking water at the time I probably would have done a spit take, I'd forgotten about this fic.
Oh and he memory wipe spell, of course
1. The.
Pfft- best way to use a memory wipe spell ever
4034985
Thanks... again...
4034964
Yeah. I'm not able to to write too much between work and crap.
So...Lyra's mom is a mind ******* jerk...that's nice to know. Now we can prepare the countermeasures! BRING FORTH THE TIN FOIL HATS!