Heyo diary,
Today was a bit… confusing. I talked to Octy about my muddled feelings towards Ruben, and as I expected she helped me a lot to clear my mind. She advised me to see him as the pony I fell in love with, not the robot that got both of us into trouble. It’s weird, she seems to be not even mad about what happened, she isn’t mad at Ruben for knocking her out. I knew she is one of the most tolerant and forgiving ponies ever, but that is a whole new level. I mean, she could have died in there! But she never looses control over herself, she’s always calm and considered. But since the ‘meeting’ with Nick, she seems to be a bit more… me. She used to be way too polite, always anxious to get on the wrong side of somepony, but she changed. She still isn’t a rude pony at all, but she finally gets a bit more out of her Canterlot-acting. Like today, when I showed my song to her the first time (at least the first time she was conscious). I expected her to stand there and tell me how nice she thinks it’s to make a song only for her and how great the song is and all, but instead she just went freakin’ crazy, almost cried and hugged the living wubs outta me. I’ve never seen her this excited, and I’m not just proud, but also really happy that it was because of me.
And here comes the confusing part: During our conversation about Ruben and my feelings, she told me to see him as a pony, as I said, and to treat his death like the death of the coltfriend he was to me. I’m still not sure what to do, of course I miss him, and I mourn him, but I just… can’t show it. I can’t cry, I can’t suffer physically. My mind feels like it’s ripped into tiny pieces, but I’m not able to show at, and I’m not sure if I actually want to show it, especially to Octy. She had enough trouble because of me, and I don’t want her to worry about me after all this. But on the other hoof, I want somepony close to me to worry about me, to comfort me while I just let it all out (jeez, that sounds like the biggest crybaby emotion ever). And who would be better than Octy? But during the whole conversation she watched me in a way that was a bit… odd to me. It was the same look I received from Ruben during our ‘dates’. Should I be worried? Or flattered? She is the last pony I’d expect to be a fillyfooler. But who knows? Celestia moves in mysterious ways, so does love. I should have an eye on this. As long as I’m not sure about my own feelings towards anypony, I think it’s not the best idea to take up a relationship to her or anypony else. Actually, it’s not just my feelings towards somepony, it’s my whole mind that seems a bit… crushed. I don’t want to annoy you right now, but after all you’re just a book, so deal with it.
It’s weird, inside of my head. Sometimes I feel happy, like everything is great and my life is super awesome. But most of the time, it’s the opposite. I feel undervalued, unloved and in general pretty useless. Every time I go out, I see happy ponies, on their own or together with their partners, and every time I think ‘Why can’t I have this? What’s wrong with me?’. And it’s not just this emotional thing. Every time I take a look at my records, I remember how I started. I wasn’t really good, but I had potential. Every single song of me had the potential to be my breakthrough, but instead I managed it always to somehow screw it up. Though I keep saying I’m the most awesome DJ in Equestria, I actually know I’m not. And it’s ok to me to know that there will always be somepony better than me. But somehow it crushes me, demotivates me to see that I can’t reach the goals I expected. I never make a song with the thought ‘Oh yeah, that’ll be a number one hit’. But as every other DJ I have certain expectations I want to reach, but I barely do. Somehow this is the same like my social life. I want to be so happy so badly, that I’m so depressed when I’m not that I’m just not able to get my flank up to change anything. And that makes it even worse, but just on my own, without somepony helping me, I’m not strong enough to break this vicious circle. But how could I get somepony to help me when I’m the way I am? Nopony wants a depressed little shit like me. Except for Octy. But I don’t want to risk too much with her now. What if I take up a relationship with her and scare her off once I let her take a look inside my mind? If I’d manage to screw this up and lose Octy, I would just collapse. She’s the last pony in my life that cares for me, that loves me the way I am, no matter in which way, friendly love or love-love. If I lose her… it would be my end. Who could I call to help me then? My parents? Hah, good joke. Since I chose to be a DJ and work at night, they don’t want to speak to me anymore. They even disinherited me. I’m alone in this big world.
But maybe it’s actually not this bad and I’m just an overreacting hypochondriac. That’s one more reason why I don’t want to tell anypony about my thoughts, they could think I’m just crazy and a little, pathetic filly. I feel like I’m arguing with myself, I don’t want to tell anypony about myself, but the same time I want somepony to know about it and help me cope with it. What should I do?