The Captain and the Crusaders

by AlfieTrotter

Sawlty Towers

Apple Bloom’s head throbbed as she stirred from an uneasy and troubled sleep, filled with dark visions of the sea engulfing all the land and Sweet Apple Acres crumbling under the weight of so much water. Her eyes opened with a start, she counted four hooves, two ears, two eyes, and a whole snout; she was alive and whole. Upon regaining more of her senses, she realised she was swaying on a cloth hammock within the dark, damp hull of a ship. She glanced around, Sweetie Belle lay curled up in a neat little bundle in her hammock, while Spike and Scootaloo snored loudly and leaned over the edges of their respective hammocks. She let out a short mirthful laugh, silently thanking Celestia for sparing her life and the lives of her friends, forgetting the seriousness of the situation. Suddenly, her stomach rumbled, she and her friends must have been going for hours without food. She smacked her lips together, her mouth felt dry and rancid from exposure to the salty seawater. Upon closer inspection of the enclosed wooden walls and limited living space, she realised that their cabin must have been the smallest on the entire ship, possibly reserved for the cabin boys or whoever held the lowest rank in the crew.

“Scoots! Sweetie Belle! Spike! Wake up! Wake up!” urged Apple Bloom softly, trying not to draw any unwanted attention. As if on cue, the three friends stirred from slumber and groggily opened their eyes, rubbing away the tiredness and jilting up in shock as they noticed where they were. Sweetie Belle ran towards the door and attempted to turn the nob, only to find it unable to budge.

“Oh no, the door’s locked!” squeaked Sweetie Belle worriedly, attempting to manipulate her telekinetic magic to undo the lock, but to no avail.

“Ugh, oh I feel like I’ve been hit by a volcano…” groaned Spike, nursing his head, “Hey, where are we anyway?”

“Inside a ship, but whose, your guess is as good as mine.” said Scootaloo, tapping the wood to check its build, “Though I think we know who to look to for this particular situation.”

Scootaloo glared at Apple Bloom, recalling the storm and the sundering remains of the Red Mistress in the midst of the storm, Sweetie Belle gave her friend a serious look of disapproval, while Spike only glanced fleetingly at her, reluctant to feel critical. Apple Bloom started sweating and backed quickly against the wall, looking the very embodiment of guilt. At first, she hoped to retain her confidence despite the situation, but it was no use, she sighed and cast her eyes down.

“Ya know what, forget it. Ah know what you’re gonna say; ‘this is my fault’, ‘if we hadn’t gone into that storm’, yadda yadda yadda.” She conceded softly, still guilty.

“It’s not enough that you admit that you’re sorry,” continued Scootaloo forcefully, angrily advancing, “we’re now further from home as we’ve ever been and can’t get back!”

“Ah only wanted to save Babs from those pirates!” retorted Apple Bloom defensively.

“Well, if she’s sooo important to you, why don’t you just trundle off this boat and go looking for her yourself!!” she yelled hoarsely, Apple Bloom glared and pushed forward.

“How dare you?!” she yelled in Scootaloo’s face, “Babs is a fellow Crusader, we should never contemplate abandoning her.”

“We would have found her in time, but you wanted her found “right now”! Because of you, my airship, our transport, is gone!!” Now Apple Bloom’s eyes were brimming with tears as she curled against the wall.

“Scoots, Ah know Ah did an extremely foolish thing, and Ah’m so, so sorry!” she sobbed pitifully, holding back from bolting away from Scootaloo, “Ah promise to replace your airship.”

“On a farmpony’s salary, not likely.” muttered Spike, earning him a hard knock on the head from Sweetie Belle. Apple Bloom’s stifled sobs eroded at Scootaloo’s anger as Sweetie Belle stepped in.

“Girls, please! No more fighting.” pleaded Sweetie Belle, coming between her two friends, “We may be far from home, we may be captured, but are we gonna take this lying down?”

“Well, in case you haven’t noticed, we’re locked in.” retorted Scootaloo, still not impressed, “And the owners of this particular ship may not exactly be the friendliest bunch.”

“Well, that just leaves us only one option; commandeer the ship!” declared Spike, raising his hand to strike a conqueror’s pose.

“Spike, even by your standards that idea just stinks, it’s pathetic, it’s contemptible… it’s worth a try!” said Scootaloo at length, unable to bring any new ideas forward.

“Even better, we’ve got the strongest apple-bucking pony east of Equestria with us!” piped Sweetie Belle perkily, giving Apple Bloom a reaffirming nudge,

“I think you mean the only apple-bucking pony east of Equestria?” corrected Scootaloo dryly.

“Apple Bloom, if you would?” Sweetie Belle indicated the door in front of them, still optimistic.

“I’ll do mah best.” She said simply, knowing that she was nowhere near as strong or experienced as Big Macintosh or Applejack, she would try nonetheless. She flexed her muscles as she got into position to kick the door down, gauging the distance carefully, and aiming for the rusty hinges…

BANG!

The door came crashing down from its hinges in a thunderous clamour, chips of wood flapping left, right and centre. The four friends smiled as the next cabin turned out to be empty, save for a few crates and barrels laden with supplies.

“All right! Way to go, Apple Bloom!” exclaimed Spike delightedly, “Now let’s –” Apple Bloom hushed him.

“Not so loud!” she whispered as authoritatively as possible “We’re lucky no-one’s come down to investigate. Let’s all fall in slowly, pick up anything that used to fight and meet by the stairway.”

The other three nodded in agreement and pressed forward in single file, keeping an ear out for any sign of approaching hoof-steps. They progressed as lightly and swiftly as possible, Spike started sniffing around, honing his mineral-sensitive nostrils for any traces of metal, and sure enough, he unveiled a barrel of cutlasses, somewhat rusty but serviceable. Eventually, they noticed dabs of light streaming from above onto a simple flight of stairs. Apple Bloom edged forward, checking her surroundings for signs of danger before signalling Spike, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo to follow. Gently lifting the hatch by less than an inch, she checked her surroundings. The midday sun beat down on the brows of the crew, and Apple Bloom felt the heat of the day radiate her coat. She peered across the narrow deck, perceiving a small if efficient crew of ponies and more exotic creatures such as gazelles and even deer were present. The vessel was an Equestrian trading schooner; a sleek vessel designed for speed rather than assault, with two tall masts each with a main sail and a topsail, and flapping above them was the black flag of the Jolly Roger, emblazoned with a white griffon’s skull. Apple Bloom turned to her friends, seemingly ready to leap out after her.

“Okay, on three, we raise the hatch, charge out, take down the crew one by one and tie up them so we can get some answers.” she said with quiet fervour and authority.

“Are you sure we should be doing this?” asked Sweetie Belle, now more doubtful than when she left the cabin, “They may be pirates but they’re not the ones we’re looking for, and they did save us!”

“Yeah, the more I think about this the more I remember that we’ve never fought ponies like them before!” asserted Scootaloo, frowning. But Spike was undeterred, and drew his newly acquired sword.

“Well, if they meant us well, why would they lock the door? Either we fight to be free, or we walk back to our cell, so what’s it gonna be?” declared Spike, raising his cutlass, once again revelling in his heightened sense of adventure.

“All right, we’ll do it your way.” conceded Scootaloo, on behalf of her Crusader friends.

“Okay! On three; one – two – three – CHAAARRGE!!” he roared at the top of his voice, Spike raised the hatch, brandished his stolen cutlass and darted headlong into a group of sea ponies who barely had enough time to react. Swishing and blasting fire. Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle stuck together, with Apple Bloom bucking barrels and crates across the deck, and Sweetie Belle levitating chords of rope to tangle their opponents, while Scootaloo propelled herself forward, kicking and boxing, yelling at the top of her voice. The frightened crewmates jumped back and unsheathed their own swords, holding the hilts between their teeth, swishing and stabbing to and fro, while light-footed gazelles leapt into the rigging and jumping right next to them, causing many a startled pony or dragon to take a step back. An emerald green Unicorn held two rapiers in the grasp of his magic and clad in a red sash and sailor’s cap, and crossed swords for a cutie mark, stepped out from among the crew, smiling confidently as the rest of the crew rallied around him. Quicker than the four friends could react, the rapier-wielding Unicorn swished and spun around and sent their weapons either sliced in half or flung across the floor. Spike attempted a feeble blast of fire, but was stifled when the rapier Unicorn pressed his blade to Spike’s throat, even flaunting a toothy grin as he gracefully subdued his quarry.

“It can certainly get boring out at sea,” he said in a voice both genial and boisterous at once, but his smile began to vanish behind a stern mask, “I’d almost thank you four for breaking the monotony if you hadn’t almost killed one of my mates!”

“If you hadn’t locked us in that cabin, we wouldn’t have thought we were captives!” retorted Apple Bloom, stamping her hoof in defiance, but their Unicorn captor merely raised his eyebrow, bemused.

“Now lads, the captain’s instructions were quite clear; keep an eye on our guests until they awoke. Which of you dunderheads thought it would be funny to see a starving pony fight?” he growled and eyed each of the crew members with every ounce of terror a captain could instil in such an unruly crew. The assembled pirates parted down the centre, revealing a single, scruffy looking grey goat. He grinned as sheepishly as his crooked and unkempt face could allow.

“Heh, I only wanted to see how well they fight? Not bad, I’d say.” he uttered in a thick, mumbling voice, still showing his crooked set of yellow teeth. The four captives’ faces were livid as blood flushed to their faces, disgusted by this creature’s cruelty.

“Think it’s funny seeing ponies starve do you? Let’s see how you handle a month in the brig!” barked the Unicorn, as he gestured one of his fellow ponies to grab the goat by the arms. Suddenly a loud bang pierced the growing noise of shuffling crew, the black shot pierced the goat’s thick chest from the sky, and he collapsed in a thick thud.

“Well, I think that took long enough.” remarked a sardonic, husky female voice. Reluctant to have to crane their necks to face yet another winged adversary, the four friends complied to look up. It was a griffon. She was lean and muscular, with raggedy lion fur indicating a life under assault from wind and sea spray, with tan feathers and a white head and chest, with a cluster of feathers forming a sharp fringe. Her fierce golden eyes were cold and unfriendly, but not inexperienced. Around her neck and scarred talons were gold bands and necklaces of pearl and garnet. More to their alarm, her buckles were laden with pistols and utility pouches for shots, one of them still smoking in her talon, and only carried a plain iron sabre on her belt.

“I apologise on behalf of Goates, there, he’d just reached the end of his tether, after chewing on my patience for so long.” remarked the griffon, too casually after having shot one of her own crew.

“Let me guess, you’re the captain of this ship.” stated Apple Bloom, cautious not to anger their well-armed host.

“Yep, the name’s Gilda, former professional speedster of the Griffon Kingdoms and present-day professional pirate.” She announced proudly, flexing her wings and talons in mid-air. Scootaloo felt a twinge of admiration towards this griffon; in spite of her glaring arrogance she was not too dissimilar to Rainbow Dash, before snapping back into urgency.

“Where’s the Red Mistress? My airship, have you seen it?” grilled Scootaloo, her breath withering in dread at the possibilities.

“You mean the red wreckage we hauled up from the sea? Look around you.” She gestured towards the schooner’s forecastle; Scootaloo turned around and bolted up the stairs and lost her breath as she beheld the sorry remains of the Red Mistress. Half of the rigging was lost and the remains were frayed and unwound, the wooden gondola was split in two and badly drenched, and the loose remains consisted of the wrecked cockpit, wheel and shards of glass and chunks of broken furniture and controls. Scootaloo gently pawed at the crumbled red remains, her ears fell, and the strength in her hind legs left her. Her eyes watered as her breath seeped out of her as though her capacity to respire had perished with her beloved craft. Sweetie Belle wrapped her arms tightly around Scootaloo as she fought the urge to cry, unwilling to appear saddened by the Mistress’s ruin. Apple Bloom glanced up and realized that parts of the Mistress’s red hull were also panelling the griffon’s schooner, as well as lumps of mattered metal being cleaned for recycling. But above all, she felt the weight of her poor decision way down on her, only Spike’s warm, gentle claws on her shoulder kept her guilt at bay.

“We picked her up just after the storm blew over, and you four were clinging on for dear life. I can smell a green Airship Corps pilot a mile away and you stink of inexperience, flying into the storm like that.” said the griffon nonchalantly, still hovering above them, Scootaloo glared at her with renewed temper, ready to leap up and strike, but Apple Bloom stayed her hoof.

“It wasn’t her fault, it was mine.” Said Apple Bloom stoically, standing guilty before the griffon, “Now, Ah suppose introductions are in order, we are alive thanks to you…” said Apple Bloom steadily, humouring the griffon captain, who simply nodded and gave an aloof smile, “Ah’m Apple Bloom, this here Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo, and this young dragon here is Spike.”

Gilda twitched at the mention of Spike’s name; she rapidly dove down to examine the young dragon up close. Her wide, analytical eyes narrowed into baleful black holes.

“I remember you! You’re the dorky little dragon from Ponyville! Twilight Sparkle’s little pet!” sneered Gilda, yanking Spike by his chest scales. The young dragon angrily brushed her talon off and glared straight into her.

“That’s Number One Assistant to you, griffon!” he snarled, before clamping down on his mouth in shock as crewmates angrily drew their blades on him, Gilda merely chuckled.

“Ex-Number One Assistant by the looks of things, still it’s an improvement from namby-pamby Ponyville.”

“Ponyville was a better home than the sea could ever be to you, birdbrain!” the young dragon barked back, smoke sifting angrily out of his nostrils.

“Ha! I’ve been called birdbrain since before I could fly, it’s practically a nickname back at Cloudsdale and Beakheim.” she remarked glibly, “Now what’s a quartet of spring chickens like you doing this far out in the open water?”

“HEY!” barked an angry Scootaloo, obviously irked by the chicken remark, only for Sweetie Belle to quickly place her hoof over her friend’s mouth.

“Ah don’t think we can tell you.” said Apple Bloom lowly, Gilda twitched in suppressed anger.

“And why not? It’s not every day I find three ponies and a dragon this far out in the ocean. I’d hate to have to ruin that by throwing you all to the sharks.” she warned, placing her talon over her sword hilt.

“No need for savagery, captain!” interjected the rapier-Unicorn, his blades sheathed, looking as brazen and glib as ever, “After flying a storm like that, I’d just be glad to still be alive. Jack the Rapier at your service.”

He bowed low before the three young mares and took his sailors cap off; a gentlecolt gesture that had a marked effect on their uneasy disposition, and returned his smile.

“Good to see at least one more friendly face out here, uh, no disrespects, Captain Gilda!” assured Apple Bloom, as Gilda gave her a vaguely offended look.

“We may not be your average law-abiding ponies, but we don’t take kindly to dishonourable cads like Goates abusing lost ponies.” declared Jack; his eyes narrowed as though to read their minds, “Now, this here is no jolly holiday, you’re after something or someone, are you not?”

The three mares did not respond all immediately, and Spike fidgeted on the spot, they could not keep the secret up for long. Sweating with apprehension, Sweetie Belle could contain herself.

“How do we know you’re not in league with… him, with Captain Pip?” murmured Sweetie Belle, quivering as Jack’s easy smile became a menacingly knowing smirk, while Gilda just shrugged.

“Do I know him? Yep, I know him.” she admitted warily, “Am I his lackey? Not in a million years.”

“Aye, I am; Captain Pip’s first mate and finest sword at his disposal!” bellowed Jack with vigour, brandishing his rapiers in his magic, “A cheer for me old chum, mates!”

A loud chorus of ‘hurrahs’, ‘ayes’ and ‘arrghs’ rose like a tide along with a wave of hats thrown in the air, even Gilda gave a cursory ‘aye’ as a feeble mark of respect. Scootaloo found her fiery voice again and glared at both Gilda and Jack, but the other three stood perplexed by the crew’s display of loyalty.

“He used to be our friend before he became a pirate!” informed Sweetie Belle indignantly.

“Yeah, and your Captain Pip kidnapped my friend’s cousin, and we demand her release!” shouted Scootaloo, pointing an accusing hoof at Jack, who stood on behalf of the absent Pip. Jack did not smile or brag; he simply placed his hoof over Scootaloo’s and gently lowered it down. Something seemed amiss in his bearing now, his eyes misted over, as though a secret he would have preferred buried was being unravelled.

“So you four say you’re from Ponyville, and you knew Pip when he was a little colt?” inquired Jack quietly, Apple Bloom, Scootaloo and Sweetie Belle acknowledged with silent nods. He sighed and turned to Gilda, who was now striding across the deck to take the wheel, and the Crusaders and Spike followed behind Jack.

“Cap’n! I believe we are due for a change of course!” he suggested glibly, but Gilda merely stared out across the waves, doing well not to show any reluctance.

“Are these four fools captain now?” she hissed back at him, “If we change course for southern Equestria now we can dump them there and be on our way south. What are they to me, or you?”

“They may be something to Pip.” he said firmly, “Aren’t you the least bit curious about this kidnapping? Our mutual pinto pirate friend never raised a hoof against any landlubber pony.”

Gilda digested his words for a moment, and gave a momentary glance towards the four friends, and back at Jack, letting Jack’s insistent stare wither away her determination.

“All right, maybe there’s something worthwhile over at Sawlty Towers, check on the old boy and all, but I’m sailing off when I drop them off, got it?”

“Is that a promise?” said Jack, arching an eyebrow and grinning again. Gilda huffed and grimaced.

“No, it’s not a promise…” she muttered, she turned to her crew and raised her voice, “All right, you scabrous pile of empty horseshoes, we have our heading! Set sail for Sawlty Towers!”

The eclectic gathering of ponies, gazelles and deer cheered once again and set about to tightening the rigging and hoisting the sails for a new course, even Scootaloo despite the damage done was able to crack a fleeting smile. But Apple Bloom, Spike and Sweetie Belle ecstatically leaped and bounded with the excited crewmates, the dread of the pirates who assaulted them at Hayseed Harbour was gone, before snapping back to the situation.

“You girls hear that?” exclaimed Spike, “We’re that much closer to finding Pip, and Babs!”

“Ah’m not so sure anymore,” admitted Apple Bloom uneasily, “Ah mean, these particular pirates don’t seem so bad, but Babs is still far from here.”

“And what exactly is Sawlty Towers?” wondered Scootaloo curiously.

“Only the finest pirate port city in the whole world,” said Gilda, who smiled in relish of the three young mares looks of terror, conversely Spike’s eyes widened in wonder.

“This is so cool!!” he exclaimed, “It’s just like out of the comics I read”

Her stomach rumbled loudly, followed by loud rumblings and sheepish grins from her compatriots, “Oh, shucks! We’re all starvin’!”

“Beggin’ your pardon, dear fillies, and dragon,” Jack interjected with his usual panache, “I believe you haven’t had supped today, if I might interest you in a serving of Captain’s rum, hay biscuits, dried fruit and seaweed, you may follow me!” However, the three young mares and Spike, having never heard of the edibility of seaweed, simply stared and attempted to hide their disgust, “I assure you, lasses, the seaweed’s much tastier than it sounds.”

Jack the Rapier helped Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo and Spike to a fair portion of fine roasted seaweed, providing a crisp and refreshing flavour, aided by a healthy serving of Equestrian apple cider, after politely refusing the rum. They accepted him as their guide and go-between for Gilda, who seemed intent on keeping her distance from them, as well as keeping memories of Ponyville in check. As the hours went on and the sun began to drift further westwards into late afternoon, the Gilda’s schooner traversed the waves with great speed and purpose. Sweetie Belle continued to soak in the endless ocean around her, more entranced by its beauty than by all the gems in Rarity’s keeping, humming gently to herself. Spike merely dozed off in the crow’s nest, dreaming of gems to feast on. The unease between Apple Bloom and Scootaloo began to thaw, but the young Pegasus was still apprehensive and withdrawn. She looked out over the bowsprit, looking out for any sign of land, while Apple Bloom gently trotted over.

“Hey, Scoots, are you feelin’ any better?” asked Apple Bloom, giving Scootaloo a gentle nudge.

“Well, aside from the fact my Airship Corps badge is lost and possibly gone, my pride and joy is in ruins, I honestly could be better.” she sighed in a tone swinging between sarcasm and honesty.

“Ah know Ah mucked this up for all of us, but just think about this; we went from thinkin’ we were in danger to findin’ somepony who can help us. This Jack Rapier fella seems friendly enough. Now we’re gonna confront Pip and save Babs!”
Scootaloo smiled at Apple Bloom’s determination and vigour, but as she pawed at a stray piece of wood from the Red Mistress, and placed it before Apple Bloom.

“I’m sorry I snapped at you earlier, Apple Bloom; the airship can be replaced. But even if we do rescue Babs, I’m not gonna stop until I get my badge back!” Scootaloo pounded her hoof on the ship’s hull, a mark of iron resolve, “It’s not just a piece of metal, it represents how far I’ve come; you remember our school days when I just couldn’t fly? That badge is a reminder that I can fly, and those schoolyard foals were wrong.”

“The pirates who kidnapped Babs were from Pip’s crew, so they must have your badge as well.” assured Apple Bloom, unwilling to give up the hope that their voyage would be completed soon.

“I’ve got a feeling that it’s not gonna be at this Sawlty Towers place. What if they don’t have it?”

“Aye, there are many pirates on these waters, and many treasures and trinkets” said Jack boisterously and trotting up to the bowsprit and levitating a telescope with his magic, before lowering his tone, “I’d be careful not to get your hopes up.”

“Not to sound ungrateful, but this really isn’t about you, Jack.” retorted Scootaloo.

“No? So you have utterly no interest in reclaiming something precious guarded by bloodthirsty thieves armed to the teeth. Whoever’s claimed your badge now considers it his own, you’ll have to pirate it off him if you want it back.”

“So? I can fight!” she exclaimed, proving so with a series of rapid-fire punches and hind leg bucking.

“Aye, but can you fly?” returned Jack, a little too coldly as Scootaloo’s eyes seemed to mist again beneath her furrowed brow; “It’s not untrue, now, is it? Take heart; I once fought alongside a Unicorn without a horn, finest hoof-fighter I ever met, but he’d been a pirate for years. You’re spanking new to life at sea.”

“I can learn.” She said staunchly.

“Aye, but who will teach you, our good captain over there?” He motioned towards Gilda, who kept firmly at the wheel of the schooner, guiding her with fluid grace, “You’re brave enough, but you need a pony who’s been at the ropes since he was a colt.”

“And what’s in it for you; teachin’ a stranger you only knew for half a day?” questioned Apple Bloom, eyeing the older stallion suspiciously and arching her eyebrow.

“Just sounds like a bit of fun, it’s easy to get bored at sea!” he quipped idly, much to Apple Bloom’s frustration. Scootaloo smiled a little; Jack seemed incredibly earnest for a pony used to sailing and plundering, but it did not change the fact that he was a pirate, a criminal.

“Look, I do really appreciate the offer, but I can’t just become who you are. I mean, you’re all right, but I don’t want to end up like Gilda or Pip.”

“Aye? And what makes you so sure about Pip?” he questioned curtly, raising his telescope to eye level, “I’ll wager my blades you’ll not look at him the same way twice once you’ve really met him.”
He scanned the horizon for a few seconds when he suddenly barked in raucous laughter;

“Land ho! Sawlty Towers! There she rises on the horizon!” he bellowed mightily across the deck, bellowing ‘land ho’ to his crewmates as they scurried excitedly about the rigging and sails. Sweetie Belle snapped out of her trance and glided down through the rigging to stand by her friends, while Spike woke up with a start and scampered down the mast to stand by Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo as the vague, dark outline of the island seemed to grow. Apple Bloom and Scootaloo smiled in determination, Sweetie Belle on the other hand, merely grinned as the chance of adventure beckoned. Jack signalled to Gilda, who bellowed in in harsh, aquiline authority from the poop deck.

“Brace the foreyard you lily-livered cads! All ashore who’s going ashore! Perchance you’ll meet the stallion himself!”

“Lads, I believe you know this song;” Jack announced to the crew, as they broke out into lively, romping song along with him.

The song itself fuelled their spirits and hearts with vigour as the schooner careened closer to the island itself, and the four friends could see the pirate port for themselves. As the dusk rolled on, the light in the stone lighthouse flashed and guided Gilda’s schooner to safe harbour. The town itself as a hodgepodge of different building styles, ranging from stone houses with brick tile roofs, grimy wattle and daub halls and towers filled with a seedy glow, painted wooden shacks and huts with thatched roofs and upturned corners of ships converted into houses, adorned with rickety bannisters and balconies and overhanging floor levels, with working windows and all, indeed there seemed to be more ship and timber in the city’s construction than stone. Lanterns and torches illuminated the crowed and rowdy cobbled streets, and barrels, wicker baskets and crates lay strewn outside the many houses lining the streets. Rising above the whole town, in a crowded hilltop were the three towers from which the town took their name; each tower consisted of three white galleons, their masts sawn off, hoisted on their rear tapering upwards to form one of three such spires, held together by solid timber framing, the fiery glow of lanterns blazed within, from the tallest of them all the great black Jolly Roger flapped in the breeze. No doubt the master of the town took his residence there. Before them, the sprawling wooden quays were filled with ships from giant galleys to tiny dinghies, and a variety of black or red flags bearing the symbol of the pirate captain’s choice. As they came into the bay, the ramp lowered and the crew stampeded off to rollick in the town’s delights. Apple Bloom, Spike, Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo disembarked Gilda’s schooner, and edged closer to discern the fullness of Sawlty Towers, and couldn’t help but smile at this whole new world that was not as threatening as it seemed. Gilda and Jack walked alongside them.

“Well, we’ve made it. Ah suppose we owe you thanks, Gilda, for savin’ us and…” began Apple Bloom, only to be cut short.

“No thanks are needed, kid,” she said with a faint warmth to her voice, “it sure feels good to be back.”

“Consider us you’re friendly guides.” declared Jack, grinning once again, before snapping to seriousness again, “Now, I can imagine you’re a little anxious to see Pip, and he’s not one to suffer insults or wild accusations, which is why you’ll leave the talking to me.”

As Gilda and Jack wove their way through the streets, the Ponyville natives found themselves surrounded by an array of creatures from every walk of life; ponies of all varieties, surly donkeys, exotic deer, hardy wild boars from the frozen north, mysterious zebras, graceful and swift antelopes, ponderous camels, long-striding giraffes and even a hippo and an elephant in the crowd, swaying to the lull of rum. A wide collection of exotic creatures including griffons of every temperament, noble hippogriffs, goat-like satyrs and the occasional Minotaur also made Sawlty Towers their home. The town was utter chaos, stallions chased after mares, while music played freely, boars brawled with griffons, rum, cider, brandy and mead flowed freely from the barrels, and gunshots pierced the din. Through all this, Jack waded through the rabble like an Apple among the orchards, while Gilda glided above the mess and glared at any creature foolish enough to look twice. All the while, their guests kept tightly knitted together, keen to avoid eye-contact with the natives, who were altogether too rambunctious for a Ponyville resident’s taste.

They escaped the ruckus of a local brawl to come towards a large stone building, a warm light emanating forth, which seemed to be the town hall, and within, the light-hearted laughter of a young stallion caught their ear, a true undiluted joyous noise that Pinkie Pie would be proud to hear. His hearty guffaws were met by a chorus of stallions joining in and mares’ melodious giggles. Music of whistles, fiddles and accordions filled the hall, playing a jaunty tune. Jack and Gilda shared a knowing smile; they had found their stallion. They pushed the doors forward to find a teeming crowd around the central table. The remains of a feast lay strewn from wall to wall, as a chandelier swung as a Pegasus grappled for life. A gaggle of ponies and other creatures surrounded the main table, and rising up and down was a large pinto stallion, singing at the top of his hearty voice, joined in by his admiring rabble;

“Captain Peregrin Squeak!” bellowed Jack as he strode among the crowd and the boisterous clamour of laughter subsided, and the crowd became a little subdued. The stallion stepped forward, his mere presence as sacred to them Luna’s stars. To call the titanic stallion before them ‘Pipsqueak’ would have been highly inaccurate and likely offensive, his large hooves and muscled withers, haunches and legs strongly reminded Apple Bloom of Big Macintosh in his early adulthood. He was clad in a black linen-tweed coat with gold braiding around the sleeves and lapel edges over dark red waist jacket and a weather-beaten linen shirt. He wore an ornately buckled shoulder belt where he kept his cutlass and daggers beneath his coat. Topping this ensemble of was his characteristic red bandana, gold earring, and large black tricorne hat, bereft of feathers. True to his poster, an eyepatch covered his left eye, just like his brown patch, but his roguish grin dispelled all qualms from his guests, despite the thick brown stubble from a beard recently shaved. Apple Bloom felt anger swell up in her, Scootaloo wanted to slap him twice across the face, Spike just stood in awe at the sheer size of the famous pirate before them; he was grand in body as well as charisma. Sweetie Bell simply stood entranced. Captain Pip stood before Jack and Gilda with a stern, commanding glare, displeased for their untimely interruption. Then, his cheeks began to crease as he broke into another gale of laughter as he embraced Jack with both arms and hoisted the much smaller unicorn into the air.

“By the stars, am I blessed to see ya, Jackie!” he exclaimed in his thick Trottingham accent, somewhat saltier in flavour thanks to a life at sea, “Couldn’t stay away for long, could ya? And how are you, Gilda, still sailin’ round in circles?”

“Further than you’ve sailed, lately, Pips.” quipped Gilda as she ruffled the stallion’s hair and even affording a wide grin.

“Well, there’s plenty to be had for old friends,” promised Pip warmly. Jack’s smile waned as he addressed his friend in a softer tone.

“I’m afraid it’s not all pleasantries. I believe, cap’n, the past has come back to haunt you.” He gestured towards the Ponyvile group, clasping his friend on the shoulder, encouraging Pip onwards, and at first he could not quite believe his eyes. His face remained blank, but his eyes swam with many emotions; joy, surprise, shock, even a little grief. Sweetie Belle herself did not expect the dread pirate Pip to be so quiet and entranced by the mere sight of them, and yet her heart fluttered; he remembered them. As his memory returned, he broke into a wide grin and let loose a hearty laugh.

“Well slap me thighs and call me Nancy! Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, Scootaloo!” he cantered amiably to greet the three mares and dragon, oblivious as Apple Bloom and Scootaloo strode up to face him head on, their eyes blazing with ire, “You even brought Miss Twilight’s dragon with you! Spielberg is it? The more the merrier! Now let’s –”

Smack.

Scootaloo delivered a solid slap across the cheek of the pirate stallion before them, sending him reeling from the strike, his crowd gasping in utter shock. Spike merely huffed smoke and strode up to him, standing alongside Apple Bloom.

“He got my name, wrong, how in Equestria could he get my name wrong?” he cried incredulously.

“We’re not in Equestria, anymore.” Scootaloo muttered in an aside to the annoyed dragon.

Pip merely looked at Jack in mid-reel, who shrugged innocuously.

“Not sure I deserved that.” he remarked, before straightening himself to find Apple Bloom looking him directly in the eye, though a head shorter than him she commanded his presence.

“All right, Mister Big-shot pirate!” she snapped, stepping forward and forcing Pip to back up, “We’re not here for yer songs and silver tongue!”

“We aren’t?” asked Sweetie Belle innocently, looking disappointed, Spike nudged her sharply.

“Give Apple Bloom her cousin back! Give me my Airship Corps badge back! Turn yourself and your crew in for assault on Hayseed Harbour.” snarled Scootaloo, daggers in her eyes. Silence fell over the group, no one laughed, and no one drew their cutlass to defend their captain. Instead, Pip, merely lowered his brow, looking very blasé indeed.

“Seems their cutie marks came at the cost of their sanity!” he remarked in a deadpan tone, eliciting a chorus of laughter from the onlookers.

“This ain’t a joke, pirate boy!” snapped Apple Bloom, “Do you deny leadin’ a band of bloodthirsty crew of ponies and diamond dogs to steal the Quarter-Map at Hayseed Harbour?”

“And do you deny completely forgetting my simple, one-syllable name of Spike?” butted in Spike.

“As a matter of fact, I do.” he replied firmly, “Though, I do apologise on the name part, Master Spike. I’m afraid I’m not the pirate you’re looking for, lass.”

“You’re lyin’! It was your ship, the Jolly Crook that attacked us two nights ago!” retorted Apple Bloom; but Pip simply looked at her sidelong, lost and confused.

“You’re either mad or misinformed, miss. I’ve not set hoof to sail for nigh a year! I lost the Jolly Crook in a game of Liar’s Hoof, most annoying that. Sounds like your aforementioned cousin-nappin’, badge-pilferin’ pirates were the new owners of the Crook.” assured Pip, his earlier boisterous tone gone beneath mask of sombreness.

“Is this true?” asked Spike, looking at Jack and Gilda, who nodded.

“I was there with Pip the night he lost the Crook, he hasn’t owned that beast for half a year now.” confirmed Jack as he realized what this meant.

Apple Bloom felt a cold sinking feeling fill her stomach, to have come so far only to learn that their target had truly slipped well beyond her reach. She had denied Jacks words staunchly, holding onto the hope of ending it there. She had no tears left to shed, and instead, with ears lowered, plodded slowly out of the hall, under the pitying eyes of the onlookers. Spike and Sweetie Belle wrapped an arm each around her back as she never looked back. The only one to look back was Sweetie Belle, and her eyes glistened with tears and disappointment. Pip let her eyes pierce into his heart. Scootaloo’s eyes also refused to meet Pip’s.

“We’re sorry for wasting your time. Get back to your party or whatever it is you do all day.” muttered Scootaloo brokenly as she turned to leave. Pip hesitated for a moment, looking between Jack and Gilda, and finally at his assembled party. He cantered forward, his hoofs ringing on the stone floor.

“Wait!” he called out, beckoning the four friends to stop, “Perhaps, it’s within my capacity as a captain and master of Sawlty Towers to offer you my hospitality?” he offered hopefully. Apple Bloom nodded, a hint of a smile flickering in and out. But to Pip, it was as good a reply as he wanted to see.