Authors note: during the songs, each singer/rapper will have their own coloured text to indicate who is speaking. You do not need to read the lyrics if you don't want to. Just skip to the end of the third song to see how the chapter ends.
Craigulus (a.k.a Berzerker) is red.
Vinyl Scratch (a.k.a DJ Pon3) is blue.
Jay Zebra is green.
Zanye West is brown.
The big day is finally here! Rushing out of bed, Craigulus equipped his swords and ran downstairs to have breakfast. As he made it half-way down the stairs he smelled the refreshing scent of-
"Tea? Again!?!?!?" Craigulus sighed in utter disappointment.
Twilight rolled her eyes.
"You know, if you want something different you could just ask. There's no need to be rude." Twilight retorted.
The hero closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Opening his eyelids again, he apologized.
"Sorry, it's just that everywhere I turn there is tea being waved in my face. Either it's just pure coincidence, or everypony in Equestria is trying to drive me insane!" Craigulus explained himself.
Twilight laughed.
"It's quite alright! I have moments like that with my studies sometimes. It's hard being a princess, you know?"
"I find it hard being a hero sometimes...." Craigulus threw his arms up. "May I have some tea, please?"
Sitting down on the couch, the human received the cup of tea from Twilight and took his first sip. Once he got the warmth of the tea down to his stomach, he thought about Starswirl the Bearded.
"Sir Canter?"
"Yes, mighty warrior?"
"When did Starswirl find Celestia and Luna?"
Craigulus had grown curious as to how long the period of time was between the asteroid hit and the death of Discord.
"1229 years before Discord's death." Sir Canter educated.
"What!? How did Starswirl live for so long? Isn't he a regular unicorn?" Craigulus grabbed his head.
Sir Canter paused for a moment.
"Galaxia grants certain beings the ability to live forever. You can still get killed, but time does not effect these people. That is the perk of being a hero. The gods give us heroes this gift because it enables us to take as much time as we need to fulfill our destinies. Starswirl's destiny had already been fulfilled because he had done all that he was instructed to do by the time he committed suicide. That is why his spirit was brought home, to Haven."
"So that's why you are still trapped in the blades right? Your destiny is to help kill the God King with me!" Craigulus figured everything out.
"I did technically explain that part to you already, but yes."
Sir Canter groaned in his mind. The old general hated hearing about his failure to survive in his mortal body, but what he did was for the good of all Equestria, not just him. Meanwhile, Craigulus finished his tea.
"Thank you Sir Canter." Craigulus smiled.
"No problem." Sir Canter finished.
A knock was heard on the door, Twilight took the initiative and opened it up to reveal Vinyl Scratch wearing her sunglasses.
"Morning princess Twilight! Is Berzerker around?" The DJ looked around.
Twilight looked around in a state of confusion. Who is Berzerker?
"Hey you! Are you ready for the biggest night of your life!?" Vinyl Scratch shoved Twilight aside and galloped toward Craigulus.
"If you mean the biggest night of my life so far then heck yea i'm ready!" Berzerker bumped DJ Pon3's hoof.
Twilight just realized what Berzerker meant. It was his stage name! The purple alicorn wasn't all that familiar with street talk.
"I just came by to ask if you could help us set up the performance tonight. Apparently the princesses are coming so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious." Vinyl scratch was clearly stressed out.
Craigulus didn't know if he really wanted to help. Originally, he was planning to meditate on the memories within the ancient swords, but if he did that the whole concert might be ruined because of him!
"Well, I guess I could help." The human sighed.
Vinyl Scratch dragged our hero outside and shut the door behind her. Twilight brought out the letter that she had been writing and continued on with it.
Dear Princess Celestia,
Let me just start this letter off by telling you how great it is that you and Luna have decided to attend! That way, we can talk before the show begins about what progress Craigulus has made. Meditation takes a lot longer than previously predicted. Shortly after lunch, he went upstairs to begin the session and it ended about two hours after the sun had set on Ponyville. I would also like to know if you have had any hints as to when the God King will return.
Your faithful princess,
Twilight Sparkle.
Backstage at the festival, Jay Zebra had been discussing the order of performance to the rest of the gang. Vinyl Scratch would be working the lights and beats as always during the first performance featuring Berzerker, Jay would come out for the second song to perform a in a surprise appearance, then he would stay onstage to welcome Zanye in a performance of 'Ziggas in Pearis'. The buzz around town was tremendous because this was the first time that the princesses themselves were coming to the music festival! Rumors were spreading around Equestria that Craigulus Twinblade was going to perform onstage with DJ Pon3 herself! Hype was building in the heads of concert goers throughout Equestria and the grounds were going to be packed for sure!
"How many hours do we have until showtime?" Craigulus pondered.
Vinyl Scratch threw her right hoof in the air and pumped it.
"Seven hours! WOO WOO WOO!!" Vinyl howled.
The perfect opportunity to meditate.
"I'm just going to be sitting in that chair in the corner facing the wall, just for some pre-show meditation." Craigulus began to waltz over to the chair.
Vinyl Scratch raised an eyebrow and smiled at how unusual that was. Normally, she would just have a few cans of Budcider and she's good to go. Well, he is a human so she would just go with the flow.
"Yea okay whatever. Do your thing over there, Berzerker."
As the DJ galloped over to the rapping zebra duo, Craigulus sat in the chair and unsheathed his blades. Firmly grasping the handles, he shut his eyes. It didn't take long for the first memory of the day to become clear to him. It would appear he was standing in the middle of a muddy combat ring on a cold, rainy day. Facing an opponent that was just as large and muscular as Big Macintosh.
"Come on! Break his skull, Canter! We never told you the Equestrian Resistance Army was going to be a cake walk!" screamed what looked like an earth pony drill sergeant.
Craigulus realized this was from the perspective of a young Sir Canter. Canter's spirit began to speak with the human.
"Ah yes, this is the place where fate first found me." The soul would've smiled if he had a face.
Private Canter attempted to kick the larger stallion in the face, only to have his hind legs grabbed by the teeth of his opponent. The ginormous stallion proceeded to toy with his adversary as if he was chewing on a rag-doll and, after about six seconds of utter embarrassment, Canter had been thrown into the mud.
"That's enough, private Wrath! Leave that worthless soldier where he is and report to your tent! Training is over, everypony!" The rugged leader figure growled.
Letting their stance go casual, they left for their tents. All, except for the commander and Canter. The commander galloped toward the young stallion and pinned him to the ground whilst staring into his eyes. A type of burning fire within the eyes of the commander stunned Canter.
"What in the name of actual GALAXIA are you doing here!?!?!?! I bet you couldn't even fight a chicken if it began to peck you! You probably would just run away, screaming 'oh no! My glorious brown mane might get dirty!' Well you know what!? You're probably the worst soldier in the Earth Pony corp and I can't stand the sight of you as a commander, AND as your father!"
Tears began to rush down Canter's face as the flash of lightning and sound of thunder burst through the camp.
"But fathe-"
NO! Consider yourself discharged, disgraced, and DISOWNED!!! Canter's father began to rise to his hooves.
"Get out of my sight, pack your bags, and go home Canter." he concluded as he slowly walked away.
Craigulus couldn't believe what had happened to Canter. He began feeling sympathetic for Sir Canter and a single tear rolled down our hero's eyes as private Canter lifted himself from the mess of mud. Beginning the walk to his tent, Canter began mumbling suicidal thoughts. It was clear that he had been just plain sick of life in general. As he entered his tent, he sat down on his cot.
"I want to show them all my true power, but I just can't now that my own father has disowned me. I should never have been born!"
As Canter started to reach for his knife, his tent entrance was forced open by a bearded unicorn wearing a starry cape and a wizards hat. At the side of the unicorn stood a creature wearing a dark hood. Craigulus couldn't see his face, but it would have to be Jebediah.
"Are you the one they call Canter?" the wizard asked in a demanding voice.
Canter was slightly startled at the sight that lied before him. After processing the question, he looked at the ground and became angry with himself.
"No, i'm just a colt who has shamed his family. That is all I am, or ever will be." Canter slammed his hoof into his pillow.
The old wizard smiled at the cloaked figure and looked back at the depressed soldier. Trotting forward, he lifted his hat to reveal his identity.
"Then you are the colt we've been looking for!" Starswirl the Bearded breathed a sigh of relief.
Canter was in shock, why was Starswirl the Bearded inside his tent? Of all the pony's in Equestria, why was the most powerful unicorn in history talking to him?
"Follow me Canter, for you have a long journey ahead of you!"
The memory skipped onto a later time that day. Now, Canter had been talking to Starswirl inside of his log house. The rest of the memory was just Canter being told about how Galaxia had chosen him to kill the God King with the help of Jebediah. Craigulus also learned about where the princesses were in all of this.
"So let me get this straight. Galaxia herself has chosen me and Jeb to slay this 'God King' and trap his soul within these blades that you made?" Canter questioned.
"Yes." The bearded unicorn spoke.
"And these 'daughters of Galaxia' are supposed to come out of hiding when we fight Discord?" Canter tilted his head.
"Yes." Starswirl confirmed.
Canter rose his hind legs and walked over to the window, staring through it as he spoke.
"And you are supposed to train me?"
"Spot on, Canter."
The memory ended there. Finding it odd that Jebediah wasn't in the log house with Starswirl, Craigulus opened his eyes and spoke to the trapped soul.
"Where was Jebediah when you learned about your destiny?" the human demanded.
"He was off in the other log house, sleeping." Sir Canter explained.
Our hero felt a tap on his shoulder. It was Zanye, holding what looked like a Budcider can in his hoof.
"Yo, just to let you know, you and Vinyl are on in ten minutes! Can't wait to join you for the 'Ziggas in Pearis' performance!" The zebra was clearly tipsy as he trotted back to the stage lighting control panel.
Craigulus began to get his blood flowing. Jumping up and down in place as he hyped himself up. DJ Pon3 galloped to him, obviously under the influence. It wasn't enough to have her stumbling around, but it was still pretty noticeable.
"Hey Berzerker! How's it going hot stuff!" Vinyl Scratch flirted with our hero.
Craigulus played it cool.
"Just getting hyped! It looks like you're ready." Craigulus laughed uncomfortably.
Vinyl called for another can of apple cider and tossed it to Craigulus.
"Looks like you could use some help loosening up! Drink some of this, dude." the DJ recommended.
Craigulus looked at the can for a second, contemplating whether or not an alcoholic beverage would be a wise idea. After a small bit of thinking he made his decision.
"YOLO!"
He decided to down the whole can in one go after he screamed that stupid phrase that he never, ever thought he would use. Vinyl was in awe as he kept on drinking that single can continuously. When he finished, he crushed the can on his forehead.
"Let's do this!" our hero grunted.
Show time had come, and so had a huge cloud of smoke on the stage. A constant cheering had been heard from the crowd all night long and now it became louder than ever before. A constant rumbling of bass had begun as DJ Pon3 had trotted over too her turntables.
"Mares and gentlecolts! Are you ready!?!?!?!" The unicorn DJ's voice echoed throughout the grounds as the crowd cheered. Vinyl Scratch wanted the volume of the crowd even louder!
"I said, ARE YOU READY!?!?!?!"
The Equestrian crowd screamed as loud as they could. It was a deafening noise and Craigulus was loving every second of it.
"You guys wanna hear my new single, don't you?!?!"
The crowd began chanting 'yes' over and over for thirty seconds before the pyramid rose above the slowly evaporating smoke. DJ Pon3 and her set up stood atop the lit up pyramid.
"Everypony! Put your hands together for 'Berzerker'! Equestria's newest hero!"
The crowd had gone beyond crazy at this point as Craigulus pushed the clouds away from him with a small energy surge. A microphone was in his left hand that he began to speak into.
There was only a slight delay before the track started. Vinyl decided to start the first verse whilst our hero hyped up the crowd.
Now this concert's 'bout to kick off, this party looks wack
Let's take it back to straight hip-hop and start it from Scratch
I'm 'bout to bloody this track up, everybody get back
That's why my pen needs a pad cause my rhymes on the ra-hag
Just like I did with addiction I'm 'bout to kick it
Like a magician, critics I turn to crickets
Got 'em still on the fence whether to pick it
But quick to get it impaled when I tell 'em stick it
So sick I'm looking pale, well that's my pigment
'Bout to go ham, ya bish, shout out to Rainbow
Let's bring it back to that vintage Scratch, yea!
The art of MCing mixed with da Vinci and MC Ren
And I don't mean Stimpy's friend, yea!
Been public enemy since you thought PE was gym, yea!
Take your shoes off, let your hair down and (go berserk) all night long!
Grow your mane out, just weird out and (go berserk) all night long
We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down
So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.
So baby make just like K-Fed and let yourself go, let yourself go
Say buck it before we kick the bucket
Life's too short to not go for broke
So everypony, everypony (go berserk) shake your body
Guess it's just the way that I'm dressed, ain't it?
Khakis pressed, Nike shoes crispy and fresh laced
So I guess it ain't
That aftershave or cologne that made them just faint
Plus I just showed up with a coat fresher than wet paint
So if love is a chess game, check mate
But girl your body's banging, jump me in, dang – bang-bang
Yessiree Bob I was thinking the same thing
So come get on this. Let's rock! baw-wit-da-baw dang-dang
P-p-p pow-pow chicka-chicka wow-wow
Catch a cab, I wanna go down b-b-bow, bow
Slow it down, throw in the towel, t-t-towel toww
Dumb it down, I don’t know how (huh-huh) how-how
At least I know that I don't know
Question is are you bozos smart enough to feel stupid
Hope so, now ho...
Take your shoes off, let your hair down and (go berserk) all night long!
Grow your mane out, just weird out and (go berserk) all night long
We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down
So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.
So crank the bass up like crazy and let yourself go, let yourself go
Say buck it before we kick the bucket
Life's too short to not go for broke
So everypony, everypony (go berserk) Scratch those vinyls Pon3!
Vinyl Scratch had a look of pure concentration on her face as to not mess these scratches up! The crowd was moving with the beat the entire time and they cheered as Craigulus did the shuffle near the edge of the stage.
They say that love is powerful as cough syrup and Styrofoam
All I know is I fell asleep and woke up in that Monte Carlo
With the ugly Zardashian
Zamar, oh sorry yo, we done both set the bar low
Bars hard, drugs hard, though that's the past
But I done did enough codeine to knock Future into tomorrow
And girl I ain't got no money to borrow
But I am tryin' to find a way to get you alone, car note!
Oh, Craigulus Twinblade shouldn’t everybody know
Get the bar soap lathered, Kangols and Carhartt-less Cargos
Girl you’re fixing to get your heart broke, don’t be absurd man
You bird brained baby I ain’t called anybody baby since Birdman
Unless you’re a swallow
Word, w-word man you heard, but don’t be discouraged girl
This is your jam, unless you got hoof jam
Take your shoes off, let your hair down and (go berserk) all night long!
Grow your mane out, just weird out and (go berserk) all night long
We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down
So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.
So baby make just like K-Fed and let yourself go, let yourself go
Say buck it before we kick the bucket
Life's too short to not go for broke
So everypony, everypony (go berserk) shake your body
We're gonna rock this house until we knock it down
So turn the volume loud, cause it's mayhem 'til the a.m.
So crank the bass up like crazy and let yourself go, let yourself go
Say buck it before we kick the bucket
Life's too short to not go for broke
So everypony, everypony (go berserk) shake your body
The song ended and the crowd was bumping! Vinyl smirked at the crowds reception to her new song.
"WOO!!!! How'd y'all like that beat?!" Berzerker shouted into the mic and stared into the crowd.
Noticing that the princesses were in the tower in the back, he gave them a bit of respect.
"Mares and gentlecolts, I would just like you all to pause for a moment. I think we should all give a round of applause to Princess Celestia and Princess Luna for all the daily work they do for this country. They go through-"
He was cut off by the roar of the appreciative crowd. After a few moments of waiting, our hero continued.
"They go through so much hardship to do what their mother in Haven called them to do all those centuries ago. I would also like a moment of silence for those ponies lost in the Canterlot dragon attack just two days ago now. So remove your hats and close your eyes please."
Everyone was silent. This was probably the most peaceful this crowd has been since the beginning of the festival as nothing and nobody could be heard. It was almost scary. The music began again and as a result, the crowd began to scream! Craigulus began a soothing melody that he previously could not do on earth. Wondering how he was singing so beautifully, our hero came to the conclusion that it was a side-effect of living in Equestria. The unicorns began to light their horns, waving them in the air as the melody went on. Jay Zebra stepped on stage and the crowd exploded in applause. This was obviously a surprise appearance to the crowd. Craigulus stopped the random notes and began to sing.
You'd take the clothes off my back and I'd let you
You'd steal the food right out my mouth and I'd watch you eat it
I still don’t know why, why I love you so much, ohh
You curse my name, in spite to put me to shame
Have my laundry in the streets, dirty or clean, give it up for fame
But I still don't know why, why I love it so much
And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
You're so unfair, sipping from your cup 'til it runneth over, Holy Grail
Blue told me remind you ziggas
Buck that stuff y'all talking 'bout, I'm the zigga
Caught up in all these lights and cameras
But look what that stuff did to Hammer
Celestia dammit it I like it
Bright lights is enticing but look what it did to Tyson
All that money in one night, thirty mill for one fight
But soon as all the money blows, all the pigeons take flight
Buck the fame, keep cheating on me, what I do, I took her back
Fool me twice, that's my bad, I can't even blame her for that
Enough to make me wanna murder, momma please just get my bail
I know nobody to blame, Kurt Cobain, I did it to myself
And we all just entertainers
And we're stupid and contagious
And we all just entertainers
And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
You're so unfair, sipping from your cup 'til it runneth over, Holy Grail
Now I got tattoos on my body, psycho bitches in my lobby
I got haters in the paper, photo shoots with paparazzi
Can't even take my daughter for a walk, see 'em by the corner store
I feel like I'm cornered off enough is enough, I'm calling this off
Who the buck I'm kidding though, I'm getting high, sitting low
Sliding by in that big body, curtains all in my window
This fame hurt but this chain works, I think back you asked the same person
If this is all you had to deal with, zigga deal with, this stuff ain't work
This light work, camera snapping, my eyes hurt
Ziggas dying back where I was birthed, buck your IRIS and the IRS
Get the hell up off your high horse
You got the things that ziggas die for, dry yours
Why you mad, take the good with the bad
Don't throw the baby out with the bath water
You still alive, still that zigga
Zigga you survived, you still getting bigger zigga
Living the life, Vanilla wafers in a villa
Illest zigga alive, Michael Jackson's Thriller
And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
You're so unfair, sipping from your cup 'til it runneth over, Holy Grail
You get the air out my lungs whenever you need it
And you take the blade right out my heart, just so you can watch me bleed
And I still don’t know why, why I love you so much, yeah
And you play this game in spite to drive me insane
I got it tattooed on my sleeve forever in ink with guess whose name
But I still don't know why, why our love is so much
And baby, it's amazing I'm in this maze with you
I just can't crack your code
One day you screaming you love me loud
The next day you're so cold
One day you're here, one day you're there, one day you care
You're so unfair, sipping from your cup 'til it runneth over, Holy Grail
As the melody slowly faded, Luna began to marvel at just how amazing Craig's singing voice was. She trotted up to the window and placed her elbows on the sill, putting her hooves on her face.
"Craigulus, you are so good at everything you do." Luna spoke out loud without even noticing it.
Celestia heard her sisters ramblings.
"Luna, you must not distract our hero in his quest remember? If you do, that may result in his failure." Celestia promptly stated.
"I know sister. He has rejected me already anyway." the princess of the night bowed her head in sorrow.
Back on stage, Berzerker raised the mic to his lips.
"Ya'll ready to leave?" Berzerker asked his new buddies through the mic.
"Well I'm not ready to leave!"
Zanye walked out from backstage.
"And I ain't ready leave!"
"I guess there's only one thing left to do! AGAIN!"
"Ball so hard motherbuckers wanna fine me!"
"LET'S GO!" the musicians yelled in unison as DJ Pon3 dropped the beat.
Even the princesses got into it. This was probably the most exciting concert in Equestrian history! The biggest stars in Equestria were all on one stage performing together! Twas truly the greatest thing ever!
So I ball so hard mothabuckas wanna fine me, first ziggas gotta find me
What's 50 grand to a mothabucka like me, can you please remind me
(Ball so hard) This so crazy, y'all don't know that don't this faze me
The Nets could go 0 for 82 and I'd look at you like this so gravy
(Ball so hard) This so weird, we ain't even s'posed to be here
(Ball so hard) Since we here, it's only right that we'd be fair
Psycho: I'm liable to go Michael, take your pick
Zackson, Zyson, Zordan, Game 6
(Ball so hard) Got a broken clock, Rolleys that don't tick tock
Audemars that's losing time, hidden behind all these big rocks
(Ball so hard) I'm shocked too, I'm supposed to be locked up too
If you escaped what I've escaped, you'd be in Pearis getting bucked up too
(Ball so hard) Let’s get faded, Le Meurice for like 6 days
Gold bottles, scold models, spillin’ Ace on my sick J’s
(Ball so hard) Mare, behave, just might let you meet 'Ye
Chi town's D. Rose, I’m moving the Nets to MH
Ball so hard mothabuckas want to fine me
(That so cray, that so cray, that so cray)
Ball so hard mothabuckas want to fine me
(That so cray, that so cray, that so cray)
She said, "'Ye, can we get married at the mall?"
I said, "Look, you need to crawl 'fore you ball
Come and meet me in the bathroom stall
And show me why you deserve to have it all."
(Ball so hard) That so cray, ain’t it Jay? What she order, fish filet?
Your whip so cold – this old thing?
Act like you’ll ever be around mothabuckas like this again
Bougie girl, grab my hand, buck that mare she don’t wanna dance
Excuse my Prench but I’m in Prance, I’m just sayin'
Prince Williams ain’t do it right if you ask me
Cause I was him, I would have married Kate and Ashley
What’s Gucci, my zigga? What’s Louis, my killa?
What’s drugs, my dealer? What’s that jacket, Margiela?
Doctors say I’m the illest, cause I’m suffering from realness
Got my ziggas in Pearis and they going gorillas, huh
I don't even know what that means
No one knows what it means, but it's provocative
No it's not, it's gross
It gets the ponies going!
Berzerker lowered the mic from his face and took in the cheers of the crowd. If his ego was a person, he would be able to destroy Equestria! Vinyl Scratch dropped the bass in a magnificent light show whilst our hero raised the mic to his face once more.
You are now watching the throne, don't let me get in my zone
Don't let me get in my zone, don't let me get in my zone
These other ziggas is lyin, actin’ like the summer ain’t mine
(I got that hot mare in my home) You know how many hot ponies I own?
Don't let me get in my zone, don't let me get in my zone
Don't let me get in my zone, don't let me get in my zone
The stars is in the building, they hands is to the ceiling
I know I’m 'bout to kill it, how you know? I got that feeling
You are now watching the throne, don't let me into my zone
Don't let me into my zone
WE DEFINITELY IN OUR ZONES!
The last line echoed throughout the festival grounds. The heavy beat had turned into a soft piano rendition as the crowd began to calm down. Zanye lifted the mic to his lips.
"Rockapony records, it's a glorious occasion!"
"Yea." Jay Zebra acknowledged.
Craigulus returned backstage with his musicians in tow. Vinyl Scratch developed a mischievous grin on her face and our hero was curious as to what she was thinking about.
"After party! Bring out the cider!"
The human decided to join in on the affairs. Who was going to get him in trouble for it? Nobody, that's who! As the night went on, the drunkenness got worse and Craigulus eventually blacked out. The last thing he remembered was Vinyl Scratch escorting him into a carriage with her and taking off. Craig came to the conclusion that he was being taken back to Twilight's place, so he just rolled with it.