Fphant and I, with the sorceress still secure upon my back, emerged into the armory just as Bond was finishing what appeared to be his seventh bottle. "Hey buddy!" I called out to him. "Would you mind showing us to the exit? I'd like to get the sorceress home before she wakes up and tries to run some painful experiments on me."
Bond looked at me, I saw his eyes move from the still form upon my back to the ever-changing form of my companion before his gaze connected with mine. He gave me a shake of the head and a look which said "no way in Tartarus" before opening yet another bottle. Where does he even keep all those bottles anyways?
"Ah well," I sighed. "Thanks anyways for all your help Bond! I hope we meet again some day!"
"I sure don't," he grumbled into his bottle as we left.
"Such a cheery pony," Fphant commented. Was that a hint of sarcasm in Fphant's voice? I think it was.
"I know right!" I agreed with Fphant's sarcastic comment.
Aww yeah, I think that's a new personal record for the earliest "you're a moron" look in a chapter! "You know that was sar-"
I cut Fphant off. "Yes, I know that was sarcasm. And yes, I know I'm a moron." I gave Fphant my best piercing gaze. "You only remind me like, every other chapter."
"And there you go with saying things that don't make sense," Fphant exclaimed exasperatedly.
"They only don't make sense because you don't have the proper context," I assured him.
"Really." He doesn't sound convinced. Like, not convinced at all. More likely he thinks I've gone more crazy than I was already. "And what, pray tell, is the proper context for your numerous non-sequiturs?"
"Well," I began to explain, "in another dimens-" A loud explosion cut me off.
"And just where d'you think ye're going?" the source of the loud explosion -a certain filly armed to the teeth with dynamite- asked. When the dust cleared enough I could see that Dynamite wasn't alone; she was flanked on either side by 'Stache and 17. "We're under orders tah make sure ye don't go nowhere 'less we want ye to."
"I'll get back to you on that," I muttered to Fphant. In a much louder tone, I addressed the explosive-toting filly and her compadres. "So you're saying I'm not allowed to leave?"
"That is correct," 'Stache informed me. "And your companions," he indicated Fphant and the unconscious sorceress, "are asked to kindly submit to be taken to the interrogation rooms."
"And what happens if we don't come quietly?" Fphant growls.
"Well then, I'm afraid we will be forced to use more..." 'Stache smooths his namesake for dramatic effect, "drastic measures." Dynamite grinned maniacally and rubbed her hooves together in anticipation. Now there's a little delinquent if I ever did see one.
"You'll find it hard to take the likes of us out," Fphant warns. Is it just me, or is his constant shape-shifting looking a little more dangerous? Like there! His arms totally just sprouted spikes for a second. And are those fangs I spy?
Dang Fphant, you scary!
"I see," 'Stache stated. "I had hoped we could settle this on more agreeable terms." He heaved a huge sigh. "Ah well, what must be done, must be done. Try not to collapse any hallways this time." He gave a pointed glance to his companions, mostly Dynamite, but 17 got a little bit of it too.
Dynamite's grin widened. Not sure how, since it already spread from ear to ear, but she managed to pull it off. "Let's do this!" she exclaimed before lighting two sticks of dynamite and throwing them at us.
I leaped back to avoid the explosive sticks of death, but Fphant didn't move. Instead he just stood there as the explosives sailed straight towards his head and... passed through his body like mist? Huh, I thought he was more solid than that. He sure feels solid when he smacks me for being a moron. What gives?
My answer came when the Fphant I was watching dissolved into mist and a new one, the real one presumably, appeared behind Dynamite. Illusions, gotta love 'em. Mirages are masters of smoke and mirrors, I should have expected something like this.
Fphant's arm morphed into a hammer, but before I could see his strike the explosives went off. Turns out I wasn't at a safe distance as I'd previously thought and ended up flying head-over-hooves down the hallway. I've always wondered what it was like to be a pegasus!
Unfortunately, my brief peek into the life of my winged brethren came complete with the inevitable crash-landing they all someday experience. Despite the new bruises I would undoubtedly be sporting, I couldn't help but utter, "That. Was. AWESOME!" Seriously, how often do earth ponies get the chance to experience such a realistic flight simulation? I would've paid money for that! And it was free!
Best. Explosion. Ever!
My attention was brought back to the situation at hand by Fphant's cry of pain. It seemed 17 had pulled a katana from somewhere and had managed to land a solid hit on Fphant's arm. As I watched 17 pressed her advantage, cutting Fphant several more times while dodging everything the mirage threw at her. Where did that filly learn how to fight so well?
Things started to look up when Fphant used his fake copy trick against her, the illusion taking a crippling blow distracted 17 long enough for the original to sneak a solid blow to the filly's unguarded back, but it wasn't enough. Either 17 was a lot tougher than she looked or had expected something of the sort and prepared for it, but Fphant's attack did little more than irritate her. With a swift spin and a well-placed hoof, Fphant was on the ground with an angry, katana-wielding filly standing over him.
And that's the point where I remembered I had a crossbow and a clear shot.
In one fluid motion I drew The Pawner and sighted up 17's sword leg. I didn't want to kill her, merely remove her from the fight. As if sensing my intent the gems embedded in The Pawner's body flashed briefly and the loaded bolt changed from a wooden training bolt to one with a blunted end. The kind that would still hurt a lot, and might break bone, but wouldn't be lethal.
I was right, my crossbow is magic!
Without further hesitation I fired the bolt. Whether it was some further magic, the adrenalin of the fight, or sheer blind luck, the bolt flew true striking 17 square in the fetlock. She dropped her katana with a cry allowing Fphant to rise from his place on the floor.
And just like that, the fight was over. Dynamite was unconscious, 17 was cradling her hoof, and 'Stache was standing off to the side, mouth agape and eyes wide. I guess he wasn't expecting the outcome.
"Alright kid," Fphant barked, breaking 'Stache out of his stupor, "we don't want to hurt you, but we will if we have to." The poor colt's knees shook with fear. Are we really that scary? I looked us over, there was Fphant, the mysterious illusionist who was never the same shape twice, and myself, the insane crossbow-wielding pony with unpredictable tendencies and an unconscious mare on his back. Yeah, I'd say we were pretty scary.
"P-please don't hurt me," 'Stache squeaked, "I'll d-do whatever you w-want." Aw, poor foal's so scared he's stuttering. I motioned Fphant to back off.
"Hey," I kneeled down to his level and offered a comforting smile. He looked away as if afraid I'd bite him if he made eye contact. "We're not gonna hurt you," I assured. Judging by the chattering of his teeth, I don't think 'Stache believes me. "We just want to know how to get out of here."
"And no funny business," Fphant put in.
"Shut it, Fphant," I barked, feeling 'Stache quiver in fright. "You're not helping!" I turned back to 'Stache to find him almost in tears. Man, I feel real bad about this. "It's gonna be all right," I cooed, "we'll be gone and you can get back to your nice, normal, safe life. Alright?" I offered my brightest smile and was rewarded with the first eye-contact I'd received from 'Stache all day.
"I just need you to tell me where the exit is, okay?"
'Stache stilled his shaking a bit and sniffed once. "It's," his voice was shaky and quiet, but audible, "thataway."