‘Uuuh, my head; who the hell was that guy; And, more importantly, how the hell did he manage to fix my belt buckle by TOUCHING IT?’ I thought as I laid flat on the ground, my intense headache killing me. Seriously was that guy some kind of wizard? Then again, I didn’t really have much of a reason to complain, hell if it wasn’t for him, I’d still be on the floor of the bank, lying in a pool of my own blood, riddled with bullet-holes. But the belt buckle has never caused a reaction like THIS before. This made me suspect that he’d done something to it, aside from getting it working again; but what would he have to gain from tampering with it? I’ll be shelving that thought for a while.
‘Well, whoever he was, I sure am glad he sent me away. Speaking of which-‘
I rolled over onto the hard ground, which I had identified as roof shingles.
‘A roof, eh?’
Well my belt-buckle has dropped me in odder places, one being inside an empty coffin four feet underground, and that didn’t even make my top-fifty list.
I opened my eyes as I stood up, stretching as I looked around at my surroundings. It was nighttime, and I was in the middle of a small city. I would have guessed that I was somewhere in eastern-Europe, based on the architecture; although my mind was changed by the fact that it seemed to be resting on a mountain side, and I sure as hell know that there’s no city on Earth that rests on the vertical drop of a mountain, if there was one, I would have been there before……………………and I haven’t.
It was only until I observed the Technicolor atmosphere that it hinted at where I was; and the castle in the middle confirmed my suspicions.
“………………….Canterlot………………holy shit, I’m in Equestria! I’ve been meaning to come here!”
What? You thought my dimensional jumping is limited to just earth? PFT! Bitch please; I’ve been to tons of other places! For instance, I’ve met the fucking Teen Titans, I even got Cyborg’s autograph ……………………and by autograph, I mean his boot-print on my ass still hasn’t healed (yeah, I don’t make friends easily).
Oh and yes, I’m familiar with the show, in fact, I’ve see all fifty seasons, the film saga, and the fifteen episode spin-off series.
Well, I suppose I should thank that weirdo even more now. Not only was I not dead, but I was also in number one on my “top ten places to go in some point of my life” list.
And now that I’m here, what kind of shit storm should I kick up? Hmmmmmm.
(…………………………………………contemplating………………………………….)
“Aha! I know!”
And with that, I dashed across the rooftops toward the castle
++++++++++++++++++++
-A few minutes later, inside the castle halls-
‘Goddamn, this place is a fucking maze! How the hell does Princess Celestia live like this?’
Getting to the castle and getting inside only took a minute and the use of a class cutter, but finding my destination in this god-forsaken castle was different story altogether. Seriously, all these fucking corridors are unnecessary, and are really starting to…oh there it is!
At the end of the largest corridor I’d seen in the castle, I could see my target. What was my target you ask? Simple, it was a vault, but not just any vault, no; this was the vault that held the most powerful force known to ponydom. This was the vault that safe-guarded…
(Pause for dramatic effect.)
The Elements of Harmony!
‘Yes I’m going to steal the Elements of harmony. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why.’
I cautiously approached the vault. As I did, my mask started going crazy, flashing signs of inconclusive readings on the substance the vault was made of. But who cares what that thing is made of? It’s the goodies inside I want!
So, out came the good ol’ mining laser. Yeah, by now you should probably know I don’t open shit the traditional way. But who needs keys when you can melt doors with ionic lasers?!
The laser hummed to life, as I took aim.
‘Elements of Harmony, here I come!’
*BZZZZZZT*
Or so I thought.
The beam made contact with the vault door. But instead of cutting through, it just bounced back to me.
*SQUEAL*
I ducked and covered as the beam ricocheted off the walls for a few seconds. When the ‘pew pew’ noises stopped, I looked up at the vault. From what I saw, the door took no damage whatsoever; not even a scorch mark.
“What the hell?! That’s like, my most powerful laser; how isn’t it melted?!” I shouted at the top of my lungs.
(……………………………………………mulling over……………………………………………)
“CRAP!” I hissed under my breath, as I brought both my hands to my mouth…… well the speaker on my mask, and hoped to god nobody heard me. The laser is relatively quiet, though they might have heard the ‘pew pew’ noises; it still didn’t help the fact that I just yelled.
“*Ahem*”
Damnit.
I turned around to confront whoever was behind me (though I knew who it was).
The first things I noticed were white ponies in pseudo Roman-legion armor, standing in offensive poses. And, to make matters even worse, both princesses where standing alongside them, bemused looks on their faces.
I looked back on the scene around me. Scorch marks on the walls, a smoking mining laser on the ground, the fact I’m wearing a mask. So…………………………
“It’s exactly what it looks like.” I deadpanned.
The next few moments, we stood in awkward silence. It was when I became extremely uncomfortable that I finally piped up and said:
“Well, it’s been a pleasure meeting both princesses, but I really should get going! See you guys never!”
And I slapped my belt.
(…………………………)
“Oh, what is it now!” I griped as I looked down at my belt. I clicked two buttons on the side too open the belt buckle up and reveal the circuits. Upon doing so, the buckle began sputtering smoke, and sparks shot from the electrical conduits.
“Oh, it’s broken.”
(…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………)
“WHY IS IT BROKEN?!”
‘How the fuck did…… I mean it was-‘
Then, it dawned on me; the guy who sent me here in the first place. Upon my epiphany, I raised both fists over my head, dropping to my knees and shouting:
“CURSE YOU, ELUSIVE STRANGER OF WHOSE NAME I DON’T KNOW!”
I retained a dramatic pose for a few seconds before remembering the princesses where still standing there. I thought for a moment, the awkwardness getting more and more intense. It was then, that I decided to take the French alternative.
“I surrender.” I said in a dramatic fashion, thrusting my hands out and allowing my wrists to go limp. “Take me away.”
++++++++++++++++++++
So as it turns out, I actually woke half the castle up with my shenanigans. I got insulted by one of the guards, claiming that I was by far the worst thief he’d encountered. I was briefly questioned, in which time I took the opportunity to quote Neo from the matrix, causing them to assume that I was just insane. I think that was part of the reason my interrogation ended so quickly.
So, here I am, in an old-timey prison cell, my cube confiscated. However I still have my mask and coat.
(………………………………………)
This escape should be very easy.
Oh yes, I’ve escaped many prisons in my career, one of which includes a Turkish prison (never, ever, ever get caught selling livestock out of the trunk of a car in turkey; seriously, they crack down on that shit).
But I need a good plan first.
‘Hmmmmmm, how ‘bout a number six......................too violent. Number three..........................no, that would never work. Number twelve.................................nah, too Jewish. Wait, I got it; a number five!’
Perfect. Now, initiate phase one. I reached up to my hood and pinched it.
(……………)
‘Damn, I just can’t find that button on the first try can I?’ I thought as I repeatedly pinched the top of my hood. Once I finally hit the button, the cloaking device activated and I disappeared completely.
Phase two.
“HEY GUARD GUY, YOUR MOTHER IS A FILTHY MULE WHORE!” I shouted at the top of my lungs. My ploy worked like a charm as I heard the guard stomping angrily toward my cell. He turned the corner, a furious look on his face. This, however, quickly contorted into a hilarious “Da Faq” face as he saw that the cell was occupied by thin air.
‘Take the bait take the bait take the bait take the bait’
The guard’s horn illuminated and a key floated to his side.
‘YES!’
The cell door was opened and the guard rushed in, looking in all directions, a very confused look still on his face.
Phase three.
“So I’m the worst thief ever huh?” I said at a volume at which I knew he’d hear me.
In one swift motion, I jerked the helmet off the guard’s head, and smacked him over the head with it. The guard then slumped to the floor, unconscious
‘HA, gets ‘em every time!’
I quickly grabbed the keys and went for the door………… that is, until I changed my mind and turned back to the guard, a concealed look of pure evil on my face. I reached into my pocket, pulled out a permanent marker and proceeded to scribble crude messages and penises all over the guards face.
++++++++++++++++++++
Just outside the dungeon, two guards stood around a table, looking at the object they had taken from the strange creature.
“What do you suppose it is?”
“’No idea, but for our own sakes, let’s NOT touch it until the princesses say otherwise.”
“Agreed.”
Suddenly, the door to the dungeon stairway swung open, but nopony was on the other side. The door then closed just as it had opened. Then, a voice rang out in the chamber.
“I will take THAT, kay thanks bye!”
Miraculously, the strange cube lift off the table, no sign of unicorn magic grasping it, and it disappeared. Then, at the other end of the room, the door to the castle halls opened, and slammed shut.
(…………………………………………)
“Um…… wait, what?”
‘Ha! They didn’t even try to stop me. Easiest. Escape. EVER!’I thought as I skipped gleefully down the corridors of the castle. This day has been just awesome. I mean granted my first twenty minutes in Equestria weren’t how I’d exactly planned them to be, but hell, it’s something.
I only took me about a minute to find the front door, since we passed it on the way to the dungeon. I was close to being home-free…… well, kinda, considering the fact that I’ve got to go through the city in order to escape the guard. But at least I don’t have the princesses to worry about.
‘Me: one. Princesses: zer-‘
“*AHEM*”
“*SQUEAL*!”
*PSH PSH*
I spun around and thrust my wrists out, two darts launching from my wrists, into the necks of the princesses.
When the darts made contact with their necks, both princesses froze. Confused, I looked at my wrists. There were two small lunching devices, wrapped snuggly on them.
“Oh, hey! The temporary paralysis dart-launchers! I totally forgot I had these!”
Well what would you expect from a guy with infinite resources? It’s not like I actually keep track of this shit, right?
Once I was done gawking at my wrists I looked at the now paralyzed princesses. From what I remember, the paralysis darts last a full thirty minutes on humans; but given the fact that their horses……… I should have exactly five.
ABJ: BULLSHIIIIIIIIIIIT!
Me: Fuck you brain.
………………………………………………………….AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANYHOW.
“Alright princesses, in hindsight, trying to take ancient relics that are easily your greatest asset AND your last resort: Dick-move guys, dick…move. So to compensate for the fact that just committed a crime that’s probably a capital-offense, I’ll leave you guys with a parting gift!”
I opened up my cube and pulled out the thing that’s been irritating me for the past five years.
“His name is Cheese.”
“Yes?”
“Not you cheese. Now, he’s very easy to take care of; his diet consists of cereal, potatoes, candy, apple juice and fruit-smoothies. He’s lactose-intolerant, so if he asks for chocolate-milk, don’t give him chocolate-milk; get him a juice-box and he’ll be happy. He’s kind of stupid, but he’s easy to manipulate. Your gonna need to brush his teeth for him, since he doesn’t know how to do it himself, or else he’ll get gingivitis again.”
I turned to the little freak and hugged him.
“I’m gonna miss you lil’ buddy! We had a great run together.”
“CRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR, I like chocolate-milk.”
“Sure you do kid, sure you do…”
And with that I dashed to the double-doors, and opened them.
‘Well now that that freak is out of my hair, and I’m free from custody, what shall I do first? Blow up parliament? Fake the moon-landing? Kill a famous singer and blame it on some novel that will cause people to blow it out of proportion?
“In the name of the regal sisters, I command you to halt!”
‘Deal with some stupid guards it is!’
“See, that doesn’t make any sense.”
“W-………what?”
“You just said: halt. That’s clearly GERMAN. Do you guys even have that?”
“………………………What?!”
“You know: NEIN NEIN NEIN! ICH HEISSE KARTOFEL!“
I searched the crowd of guards until I found the guy I was addressing: Shinning Armor. He had I pretty befuddled look on his face (as did the others) so I decided to stop screwing with his head.
“You know what, whatever. I’ll figure that one out later. Now, evil-villain dialogue, GO!”
“WHAT?!”
“HA, you think that a mere force of…one…two…three……………twenty royal guards, can stop me?! You must be as naïve as they say, Captain…whatsyourface!”
“Captain Shining Armor.” He said through clenched teeth.
“Captain shiny-red-baboon-butt, got it!”
That’s it, distract them. Create just enough time to remove good ol’ TordenHanskar from your cube. A pair of metal gloves I stole from a one-armed Scandinavian scientist with compulsive anger-issues. They emit an intense amount of energy when activated that feels like a blast of hurricane wind……… you know……… just to get you up to speed...
“So, you think you think you can conquer The Wall?”
“………The what?”
“’Cause when ya come to it and ya can’t go through it and ya can’t knock it down, ya know that you’ve found THE WALL!"
“What!?”
“THE WALL!”
“WHAT?!”
“THE WALL!”
“WHAT ARE YOU TALKING-”
I took my hands out from behind my back and relieved the gloves.
“NO MAN ON EARF CAN MAKE IT FALL!”
*BOOM*
And the guards went flying. The good thing about these gloves is that they’ve non-lethal……… Unless I was standing two feet in front of them; in which case, the force would have pretty much ruptured ALL of their organs.
With the guard on the ground and dazed, I ran past them, and through the street.
++++++++++++++++++++
And so, I ran…………… and ran…………… and ran…………… and-
*SLAM*
-ran straight into something that might-as-well have been an actual wall.
“Hey watch where you’re going ya big palooka!”
‘Wait, where the hell did that line come from?! Am I really that old?!”
But then, I saw exactly what it was I ran into: some kind of black, muscle-bound, horned, loin-cloth wearing, demon-thing.
“WHOA, DEMON-THING!”
“WHOA, THING THAT LOOKS RELATIVELY HUMAN!”
“WHAT?!”
“WHAT?!”
Then I heard guards coming from behind him.
“Aw shit.” The demon-thing said. To which I responded:
“yeah, I think we have a mutual problem.”