Fallout Equestria: Might as well go for a soda.
Story One: A Soda Jerk.
* * *
“Well guys I have good news and I have bad news, which do you want first?”
“The bad news?”
Peeking out from her hiding spot behind the dusty remains of a cafeteria counter a red filly looked out at the pair of colts doing their best to watch down the hallway for any pony while trying to avoid being spotted. “You sure I mean this is really really bad news.”
Turning away from the window to look back at the filly the colt closest to the door whispered, “For the love of Little Pip. Pepper what is it?”
“Well since you asked so nicely, the spark battery is dead.”
“So what is the good news then?”
“Well that’s easy all we have to do is tear the entire soda fountain out of the counter sneak it past an entire stable full of crack Applejack’s Rangers and back home to Junction Town. One we get home we can just hook up a working spark battery and we got ourselves an unlimited supply of frosty fresh sparkle cola.”
“Oh is that all, no big deal.”
Turning towards the insistent tapping on his shoulder the stallion looked back at his other friend who was supposed to be watching out the window. “What is Rocks?”
Something about his stoic friend hiding his head under his hooves gave Sliced Cheese a sense that the normally unflappable Pop Rocks might not have been the one tapping on his shoulder. Turning his head to look around behind him towards the now open door brought him nose to armoured nose with, “Pepper they found us! Run!”
Say what you want about steel ranger armor and its ability to make the wearer practically invincible it has nothing to defend itself against a half grown pony leaping on its wearer’s face and blinding him with a blanket of fur.
With a clattering of dropped tools a duffle bag carrying red blur bolted out the door followed by a slightly larger pink one as Rocks followed without waiting to be told to go.
“Wait for me!” Scrambling down from his perch on top of the ranger’s head Sliced Cheese kicked at the door controls causing it to close and lock the ranger inside the old cafeteria.
Not able to see where his friends had run too Sliced Cheese resorted to the old fashioned method of escaping used by foals of all ages since Equestria began until it became permanently planted in the pony DNA, running blindly up and down the halls looking frantically for something that looks like an exit.
To the outside casual observer the scene of three brightly coloured ponies running blindly through a series of random doors across a main hallway being chased by a bunch of gray armoured guards to be hilarious, more so when accompanied to the wacky sax musical track, but we don’t have time for that nonsense so let us just fast forward to after they have been caught shall we? Ok good.
*** five minutes later in the Overmare’s office ***
Spread open on her desk with the contents exposed for everyone in the room to see lay a duffle bag with what in her mind was possibly the stupidest thing in a life time of hoarding old world technology Elder Crossroads had ever seen stolen, or in this case attempted to steal.
Taking a deep breath and letting it out slowly she looked across her desk at the would be thieves. Barely old enough to be considered adults and doing their level best to look even younger with giant tearful eyes looking up at her, all this bother for…
“A soda fountain. You broke into a Ranger stronghold for a soda fountain, what in the world possessed you to do something so stupid?”
A veritable torrent of answers poured out of the three foals in front of her in a completely impossible to follow attempt to explain themselves.
“Enough!” Pointing her hoof at the filly sitting in the middle. “You, you speak for the three of you. Who are you and why are you here?”
With a barely audible groan the pair of colts on either side of the group just sunk down to the floor and began praying to whatever princess was listening that their end would be painless as their friend sucked in a huge lungful of air and bellowed.
“I am the Merciless Pepper of Quetzalacatenango!!! And I am here because I am thirsty!”
Elder Crossroads picked herself up from floor and righted her chair before turning to point at... The empty spot in front of her desk. Looking at one of the rangers that had been guarding the now missing trio. “Where did they go?”
Seeing an opportunity to impress his Elder one of the rangers pointed out the office door and promptly replied “They went that a way ma’am!”
As luck would have it for our heroes Pepper’s unintended use of the famed Royal Canterlot Voice, or as the locals back home in Junction Town called it “Lionheart whispering”, had provided them with just the opportunity to grab their loot and make a break for it again this time remembering to actually follow the signs leading to the exit.
Waiting just out of sight for them in the burned out remains of an old hippocampus energy station sat Pepper’s pride and joy. Protected from evaporating in the sun by its hiding place was the current incarnation of her cloud racer (sport wagon edition). Specially built for hauling her friends around town and powered by extra fans, this little red wagon was made for going places.
Packing their loot in the back everyone piled in and Pepper started her pre-flight checklist.
“Everyone buckled in?”
“Check!”
“Double check!!”
“Ok helmets on”
“Check!”
“Double ch... oh hold on”
Pepper felt something drop on her head before a pair of hooves thumped it fully in place.
"Ok now, we are double check!!”
Reaching up to pull her goggles down in place before reading the next item on the list.
“Cloud status?”
“Soft and fluffy with a hint of grey.”
Nodding to herself “Good good.”
“Um Pepper? Can I see the check list?” A pink hoof came into her view as Pop reached over from behind her.
“Um ok, why?”
Quickly flipping the pages that made up the check list Pop Rocks replied with a shrug and a very unconcerned. “Oh no reason just want to see how far down escape from the angry group of rangers that is charging right for you was.”
“Oh it’s in the appendix look under the section marked emergency take offs, why?”
Reaching up to grab hold of her helmet Pop turned her head towards a group of angry rangers that were coming straight for them!
“Check list complete everypony peddle!”
Powered by the frantic peddling of three ponies and piloted by a mad mare the little cloud car shot off like a bottle rocket through the front window frame of the ruined building and over the coming rangers heads before skidding to the right and zooming out of sight leaving little more than a high pitched whirr as the fans tore through the still air.
Watching the rapidly shrinking vehicle disappear in the distance the bewildered Rangers looked at each other wondering what to do next.
“You know Elder Crossroads is not going to be pleased.”
“Affirmative”
“Somepony is going to have to tell her that three foals in a cloud wagon just escaped from the famed Applejack’s rangers with a bag of loot.”
“Affirmative. Not it!”
“Not… damnit!”
Walking back to the front door of the stable made stronghold one of the rangers gave voice to the question on everypony’s mind “Who steals a soda fountain?"
*** Two days later at the headquarters of the New Equestria Hockey League (totally not an old boxcar turned shed behind Sliced Cheese’s parent’s house.) ***
A series of knocks followed by a creaking sound as the door slide open as a spectacle wearing unicorn filly stuck her head inside. “Anypony here?”
“Stem! Get in here quick”
“Heya Stem.”
“Hurry up Stem and close the door so no one sees this.”
Slipping inside and shutting the big door closed Stem Bolt blinked a few times to let her eyes adjust while she took in her surroundings. No matter how often she came in here she just could not believe her eyes as the amount of well... crap Sliced and his grandsire had managed to collect about the old EHL. Filing cabinets full of old news articles barrels of rolled up old posters of famous players. Don’t ever let Slice get started on his hockey card collection. Most impressive of all though were the jerseys, Sliced’s grandsire Processed Cheese managed with the help of local trader Ditzy Doo to obtain five of six jersey’s belonging to the not yet Ministry Mare’s from when they played for the Ponyville Golden Leafs, he was just missing one for the Ministry Mare of Wartime Technologies Applejack.
Once her eyes had adjusted to the kind of gloomy interior of the boxcar she made her way over to where he friends were sitting around some sort of contraption they were in the process of trying to put together.
Sliced was wearing one of his many Lulumoon jersey’s they may have been two hundred years old but they were incredibly durable and apparently hadn’t sold well as he had a couple hundred of them that Ditzy had been using for packing materials. He was looking through an old magazine and reading parts of it to Pepper and Pop Rocks as they tried to do something with a wrench.
“Guys what are you doing and why do we have to hide it? We aren’t trying to make a another popcorn maker with expired lemons again are we?”
You could almost hear Pepper’s eyes rolling in her head. “No we are not using expired lemons again, besides Silver Belle’s mom won’t let us near the combustible fruits after we set fire to her store room when we were trying to dye Pop’s mane green with that caustic lime.”
Spiting the wrench out of his mouth Pop looked over at where Stem was standing. “No this is even better, not that everything wasn’t better after my scalp healed and my mane grew back. This however is the greatest possible thing! We got the Soda fountain you were telling us about. Isn’t it cool?”
“Well it would be cool if you would stop talking about it and help me fix it.”
“Sorry Pepper.”
It took a moment for all of it to sink into Stem’s brain but when it had, “Are you three loco in the coco! You broke into my home, and stole the soda fountain! Are all ok? Did anyone get hurt?” Stopping to take a breath Stem remembered Elder Crossroads would not let them hurt foals and they were still young enough that they would be considered foals. “Still how did you get in? More importantly did you get caught, please tell me you didn’t get caught!”
“Stem take a deep breath, of course we didn’t get caught we are all here aren’t we?” Sliced hadn't even bothered to stop looking at his magazine as he tried to calm his friend.
“Yeah I mean all they did was take use to the overseer’s office not to your Elder.”
“Rocks! Dude don’t tell her that."
They were taken to the overseer’s office well that isn’t too bad, except Elder Crossroads used the overseer’s office. Collapsing to the floor Stem Bolt groan and buried her head under her hooves.
“My life is over; please tell me they don’t know who you are.”
A loud and heavy knock pounded on the side of the box car making everyone inside over their ears till the ringing stopped.
“Junior Scribe Stem Bolt, you and your friends will get out here this instant. You are all in big trouble young lady!”
*** Just out side the boxcar ***
A slight metal on metal squeal as a small hinged flap next to the door of the box car headquarters of the New Equestria Hockey League flipped open and a pair of eyes peeked out to survey the source of the disturbance.
Standing in the middle of a small dirt lot stood an annoyed looking light blue mare in a faded tan cloth barding with the symbol of Applejack’s Rangers on the flank. A quick glance confirmed that the mare was alone save for an older green pony leaning against the railing of a second level balcony who was watching the little drama take place in his yard.
The flap dropped shut for a moment while a hastily whispered conversation took place before popping open again.
“You have reached the New Equestria Hockey League. Sorry we can’t come to the door right now but if you would like to leave a message please press one and wait for the tone. Beep!”
*** Back inside ***
Looking out through the mail slot Pop Rocks shook his head slightly before whispering back to the group “I don’t think Stem’s mom is going to believe we have an automated door messenger. Sorry Pepper better luck next time.”
Pepper just shrugged. “It’s all good I’ll count this one as a win and do better next time.”
“Count this one as a win?” Stem stared at Pepper in confusion “How is failing a win?”
Stem just waved her hoof at Pepper as she took in a breath to explain the mechanics of winning. Stem clamped a hoof over Pepper's snout cutting her off before she could start. Pepper just crossed her hooves and grumped glaring daggers, while Pop stifled a giggle.
“Stem Bolt, if you don’t come out here right now I will have your father rip the door off and come in there to get you!”
Gulping in dread the three little ponies started running about in terror looking for some place to hide. They really didn’t want to get Stems dad mad at them as the last time they did that was when they applied liquid rainbow to his power armor.
“Guys! Relax we can just use plan B.” Standing on top of one of the filing cabinets against the back wall of the room Sliced stared down at the puzzled looks on his friend’s faces. “You all forgot about plan B?”
With a sigh and a shake of his head the colt stuck the tip of his hoof into a shallow groove on the wall and lifted up the frame of the display case holding Pinkie Pie’s hockey jersey. Hidden behind the jersey was a panel labelled “Emergency Exit for Exit Emergencies” with a Smiling Pinkie face under it.
As Pepper, Stem, and Pop scrambled up on to the filing cabinets Sliced pushed the panel aside. On the other side of the panel was a small room with hole in the floor. A brass pole stood in the middle of it. The room was just big enough for a pony to crouch in to close the way behind them before dropping down the hole.
With his three friends through the hatch Sliced dove in after them and pulled everything closed it was a good thing that the place had been made by his grandsire who was a rather hefty pony as they all fit into the tiny room. Realising they had forgot to lock the main door before they started their escape they made sure to set the lock on the escape hatch. With silent gestures to head down the pole and into the dark so as not to give themselves away to Stem’s mom who they could hear talking angrily to some other pony about how they just couldn’t have disappeared the gang fled unto the seedy under belly of the headquarters of the New EHL.
Under most of the ruined cities of Equestria the service tunnels and sewers were filled with monsters and pitfalls that would challenge even the hardiest of wasteland heroes. Junction Town was not one of these cities, built around the remains of an old railway junction and grown rather haphazardly by the former residents of stable two and other Wastelanders that wandered into the area looking for someplace to safely settle down it lacked any kind of underground structures. So the tunnel that the gang found themselves in had been dug by Sliced’s grandsire as part of the club house that he had built for Sliced’s father back in the early days of the family living in Junction Town, a tunnel which only ran in one direction right back into the cold storage basement under the Cheese family’s home.
“I can’t see anything it is too dark in here!”
“Sliced this is stupid isn’t there a light or something down here?”
“Are we trapped? Please don’t say we are trapped, I don’t want to die down here!!”
“We are not trapped! I know there is at least one tunnel out of here just feel around for it.”
“Somepony’s hoof is touching my butt.”
“That’s not my hoof, heh heh heh.”
“Pepper that is disgusting. This is getting us nowhere.”
From the middle of the group a dim blue glow as Stem screwed up her face in concentration to use her magic to hold some piece of junk that she had stuffed in one of her pockets. It wasn’t bright but it was better than the total darkness they had been floundering in. With the bit of dim lighting floating over their heads finding the tunnel out was a simple matter going to where the darkness was thickest and heading into it.
“I had looked everywhere but the only lamp left on in the house, was a blue light… a blue light”
Everypony just rolled their eyes as Pepper sang something silly when from somewhere in the darkness a head of them a smokey female voice rolled out of the darkness.
“I was not ready… I’m no enchantress well I was too proud. Go find some hearth warming angel and give that to her.”
A scraping like metal on metal and a bright light steadily grew in front of them as some pony pulled free the cover over the end of the tunnel.
“Alright you little hooligans everyone out of there we have you surrounded.”
“You will never take the Merciless Pepper of Quetzalacatenango alive! AHHH!!” Shoved from behind by a more then grateful to be out of the cramped tunnel Pop Rocks. Pepper landed on the floor with all the grace of a sack of potatoes.
“Hi Grandma, are we safe now or is Stem’s mom going to blow the place up to get us still.”
Shaking her head at her grandson’s questions as he climbed out and helped Stem out of the hole where she stood shakily on her hooves from the strain of using her magic for nearly five minutes straight.
“Your safe now one is going to be blown up today, but you are all still in trouble as she told us what you three where up to when you all decided to leave town and race off into the wasteland without telling anyone.”
“AWWW”
“No awws all of you upstairs right now you have some explaining to do.”
Leaning over to Sliced, Pepper whispered “your grandma is kind of hot when she is angry.”
Actually Sliced Cheese’s grandma was kind of hot all the time, something about living right and proper exercise plus some of those weird zebra potions that his grandparents drank had kept both of his grandparents looking like ponies half their age. This was a good thing given that Sliced’s parents were on the road all the time leaving much of the raising of Sliced to them.
Ignoring the pleas of innocence and cries for mercy the gang was quickly marched upstairs to a waiting herd of angry parents.