Chapter 6: Only In My Dreams (Shade)
“Uhh...” I groaned, unable to move. My head was spinning and I felt a horrible burning pain in my chest, like I had been ran though with a sword. I laid wherever I was for a few more moments, trying to orient my body in anyway I could.
“Hello? Are you awake?” A voice floated into my subconscious as I struggled to move. “If you can hear me, sit up.”
Sit up? It was hard enough to even think properly. Nevertheless, I knew that lying here wasn't going to solve anything, so I tried to move.
I was stiff as a board, so every movement hurt...a lot. Still though, I struggled on and eventually pulled my aching body into a sitting position. My entire body felt like it was on fire and I reeled like I was going to pass out. Then, I opened my eyes.
Nothing. I was sitting in a room of complete darkness. I turned my head left and right, up and down. Nothing. I put my forearms in front of me, thinking the room was small, but I didn't touch anything.
“Where...where am I?” I said out loud, my voice echoing throughout the empty room.
“Your mind.” It was the same voice that I had heard a few minutes ago. I glanced around again, but seeing as how it was still dark I saw nothing.
I heard a sigh. “Sorry about that. Here.” A soft green glow came from in front of me, and I saw a small changeling. He looked to be about thirteen or fourteen years of age.
“Who are you?” I said, panting a little bit.
The changeling shook his head. “Save your energy.” He walked a little closer and stood in front of me. “I'm glad that you've finally woken up.”
I was glad as well, but still very confused. “How long have I been here?”
“I believe that it has been four months now.” The changeling said. “Yes, you arrived here four months ago.”
Four months?! I started to panic. “What?! I gotta get out of here!” I made as if I was going to move, but a horrible flash of pain lanced though my body. I stopped moving and groaned.
“You're still healing.” The changeling said. “Try not to move, okay?” He walked up closer and stared at me, as if he was studying my body. “How did it happen?”
I winced and rubbed my chest, pulling my hoof away to see blood on it. “I failed. I failed Fluttershy, and I failed Null.”
I thought I saw the changeling wince at my words. “Really? How do you know that you failed them?”
“I should have stopped her!” I snapped. “We were there, but instead I was thrown around like a foal! I should ended her life right there! But I couldn't. Not even after she drank my son's life away like water. All I did was fail!” The realization of my words hitting me, I slumped over and wept.
As I cried, I felt a hoof on my shoulder. I looked into the changeling's green eyes. “But, maybe your failure also gave you the chance to succeed.” He said.
I was at a loss for words as I looked at his eyes. Most changelings had blue eyes, only special changelings had different colored eyes. But I knew that I had missed something drastic. The changeling's eyes were green. “Wha-”
He smiled. “I wish we could have met like this in a different situation, Dad.”
I couldn't believe my ears, or my eyes. But, I knew in my heart that this changeling really was my son, “Null?”
Without another word, he wrapped his forearms around my neck, and the two of us sat there for a while, helping each other through a period of sorrow, but also a little bit of hope.
. . .
“And then you passed out.” Twilight Sparkle said to Fluttershy, summing up the last part of the pegasus's last four months in hell.
Fluttershy nodded and turned back to Shade, slowly running her hoof through his hair. It had been two days after she had escaped Canterlot. Twilight knew that she was taking a major risk by being gone for so long, but she didn't care. As soon as Rainbow had been able to let her know that Fluttershy was free, she dropped everything and headed for the Everfree.
Twilight was worried about Shade, but more so about Fluttershy. Her friend was thin and malnourished, not a surprise seeing what she had gone through. But that wasn't was frightened her the most. When Twilight looked into her eyes, she saw fear...and anger. Her anger and hate was so palpable, Twilight wasn't sure her friend was still in there.
“Twilight.” Fluttershy whispered. “Why won't he wake up?”
Twilight was quiet for a few minutes. She knew that she needed to tread very lightly and she didn't want to damage Fluttershy any more then Chrysalis had already. “I think I know why, and it's not your fault.”
“Then what is it?!” Fluttershy snapped, startling Twilight.
Twilight stared at her friend for a moment, then said, “Fluttershy, how do you feel right now?”
“What do you mean?” Fluttershy said. “I feel fi-”
“No, you don't.” Twilight said.
Fluttershy glared at Twilight. “Who are you to tell me how I'm feeling?”
Twilight quietly looked at Fluttershy, and then sighed. “If you're feeling fine, then what did I do to make you mad?
“What?” Fluttershy's face took on a look of shock.
Twilight made a snap decision and let loose with her words. “Fluttershy, the reason he won't wake up is because of you.”
Fluttershy's eyes widened. “What?”
Twilight winced at the look in her eyes, but she continued. “You have so much anger inside of you that it's blocking out the love for Shade. It's to the point that instead of being able to gulp your love down like he needs, his body is forced to drink it through a straw.”
Fluttershy stood there, looking at Twilight. The unicorn was worried that she had further broken her friend, and wouldn't be able to live it down if she had.
“It's me...” Fluttershy whispered to herself.
Twilight stepped over to Fluttershy. “No, Flu-”
Fluttershy held her hoof up, stopping Twilight in her tracks. “It's always been me, hasn't it?” Twilight didn't move or speak as Fluttershy thought. “The reason he came back when we found him under Sugarcube Corner. The reason that he had to run when Discord came back, and why he beat him. The reason he...” She glanced at Twilight again. “The reason he died.”
“Twilight?” Fluttershy continued. “Twilight, was it all my fault? Everything that happened to him? Was I the cause?”
Not caring, Twilight crossed to the other side of the bed and laid her hoof on Fluttershy's shoulder. “No.” She said, her voice starting to break. “It's not your fault. It never was, and it never will be.” Fluttershy looked at Twilight for a moment more, then broke down and wept. Twilight held and cried with her, both of them letting go of the emotions that they had kept bottled up for four months.
And as the two of them wept together, neither of them noticed a slight twitch come from below them.
. . .
A sharp flash of pain lanced through my chest. “Ahh!” I screamed, jumping away from Null.
“You can feel it?” he asked.
I nodded, tears springing to my eyes. “It feels like I'm being stabbed over and over!”
I saw Null smile. “That's great!”
“Great?!” I tilted my head. “Um, no! It hurts!”
Null sighed. “Your body is feeling pain again. That means that it's finally healing.”
“But the only way I could heal is if I receive lo-” I gasped. “Somepony must have found me!”
Null nodded. “Yeah. And that means we have a little bit of a journey in front of us.”
“What journey?” I asked.
Null pointed behind me. “Look.”
I turned to see a door standing alone in the middle of the room. “That is one of the doorways to your lost and forgotten memories.” Null said. “If you want to wake up again, you have to remember.”
“So, I just walk through it?” I asked.
Null nodded. “Don't worry, dad. I'll be with you through the entire thing.”
I nodded at him, then turned to the door. Walking up to it, I laid my hoof on the doorknob. “Well, there's no going back now.” I took a deep breath, and yanked the door open. A field of light surrounded me, and I was lost in it.
. . .
Slowly, I forced my eyes open. “Great. Where am I now?” I thought to myself as I rose to my feet. “Wait a second...”
I was standing in a spacious lawn, a backyard to be specific. And there were foals everywhere, none of them looked to be more then seven or eight. I turned to see the backside of Canterlot Castle.
“I'm in Canterlot?” I said to myself.
“Yup.” I jumped as Null walked next to me.
I was slightly confused. “Null, I don't remember this. Are you sure that this happened to me?”
Null smiled. “This is your memory. A locked one, to be exact.”
“Locked?” I asked.
Null nodded again. “You've had a powerful spell put on you since your youth, Dad. It's weakened enough to the point that we can break it. And we need to. Come on.” He trotted off, forcing me to follow.
As we traversed to the doors that lead to the inside of the castle, I was trying to be very careful to not bump into anypony. Null looked back at me and chuckled.
“We're in your memories, Dad. You and I don't truly exist here.” he said.
I twisted around another pony. “Point?”
Null rolled his eyes. “You can walk right through them.” To prove his point, he stepped through a small unicorn mare and continued on.”
I sheepishly smiled. “Oops.”
The two of us finally reached the doors of the castle. Null pulled me aside as the doors opened to reveal my mother, my aunt, and a young Twilight.
“Okay, now I'm certain this didn't happen.” I remarked to Null.
“Wait for it.” Null muttered.
The doors burst open again and a dark blue shot out, latching onto Celestia. I took a double take as I realized that it was...me.
“What?!” I gasped. “I thought that Celestia kept me hidden from Equestria!”
Null shook his head. “When you were seven, Equestria knew that you existed. Everypony knew what a changeling was, but they didn't know that there were more of them that existed in the world. That changed on your eighth birthday.” Null clapped his hooves and the world went dark.
“Null!” I yelled, starting to panic. “Null!”
I heard him laughing. “Take the blindfold off.” I did, and couldn't have been more surprised by the result.
The sky wasn't blue anymore, but had a deep red tint in it. The backyard wasn't beautiful anymore, filled with holes and little fires. Null pointed up and behind me, causing me to see a large smoking hole in the side of the castle.
“That's that room that I have to sweep out...” I thought to myself. “Where are we, Null?”
Null pointed at the middle of the lawn. “Your eighth birthday.”
The two of us ran to the middle of the lawn. Reaching it, I was shocked by the sight. There was a dead female changeling lying on the grass and two parties were standing on each side. On one side was a much younger Chrysalis and an even smaller changeling. I assumed that was Misty. On the other side was Celestia, Luna, and myself. But what shocked me the most was that my horn was dripping blood. In horror, I looked at the changeling on the ground. Sure enough, she had a bleeding hole in the middle of her chest.
“Dad, you need to pay attention here.” Null said. “This won't be easy.”
I nodded and started to listen.
Chrysalis ran a hoof across her eyes, I assumed that she had finished crying. She looked at my younger self with such hate, I could feel it radiating from me. I guess that my hyper emotional abilities were viable even then, because my younger self shook so much that my mom laid her hoof on me.
“You, you killed her.” Chrysalis said in a husky voice, a voice that was still filled with tears.
“I told her to go away...” My younger self said in a broken voice. I must have been forced to kill her, or it had been an accident.
Celestia glared at Chrysalis. “I warned her many times.”
“But you couldn't stop your spawn?!” She snapped at Celestia.
“You are the reason that he was born.” Celestia said back, barely able to contain her rage.
“My mother gave me the idea, but she never thought that I would truly carry it out.” Chrysalis ground out her words. “And how I wish that I hadn't. Don't worry Celestia, we'll be back.”
“Really now?” Celestia said.
A truly evil grin spread across the changeling's face. “Oh yes. Would you like to know why? I'll tell you. Because when all is said and done, and we return, I'm coming straight for him.” She pointed at my younger self. “And when I have him in my grasp, I will make him weep. He will cry out for you, Celestia in his time of need and you won't be able to answer.” She stepped up and got right in my mother's face. “He will die with the memory of your failure being that last thing he ever remembers.” With her threat given, she turned and gently lifted her mother's body with magic. She stalked away with Misty behind her.
My mother wrapped my younger self in her arms. “I'm so sorry, Shade.”
My younger self sniffed. “It-it's not your fault. I didn't want to kill her, but my magic overcast and...
My mother put her hoof over his mouth. “Shh. I know. And that's not what I'm sorry for. Luna, you can go.” Luna nodded, hugged me and left without a word. But I saw in her eyes that she knew what was going to happen.
“Shade.” Celestia turned back to my younger self. “I need you to listen to me. I'm going to...send you away for a while.”
“What?!” He started to panic. “I don't want to leave you!”
“You won't.” She said. “You'll still be with me, but you just won't remember me.”
I saw the realization slam my younger self like a ton of bricks as he slumped into Celestia's forelegs. “Shh, my little one.”
“Why...”, my younger self muttered as he clutched at Celestia.
“Equestria needs time to recover.” My mother said. “I was afraid for this day, and I wish that I could have prevented it.” Tears started to flow from her eyes. “This spell will wipe the memory of you from everypony in Equestria.”
“You can do that?” My younger self muttered.
“I had been planning this for a long time.” My mother replied. The two stood there for a few more seconds before my younger self pulled away.
“Mom, do it.” he said. As my mother opened her mouth, he shook his head. “I don't want anyone else to suffer. Not like Misty, not like Chrysalis, not like her mother. Please. I'll see you again.”
The tears were unchecked at this point as my mother stood in front of me. “Shade...”
Even thought my younger self was crying, he managed to wink. “I love you, Mom.”
Celestia was able to manage a small smile. “I love you too, my little changeling.”
And after that, her horn lit up. With a flash of white, the world faded away.
. . .
Twilight and Fluttershy had continued to sit by Shade as the two talked, Twilight trying to help draw Fluttershy's emotions out.
“I can't believe you would feel that, Fluttershy.” Twilight said.
Fluttershy sighed. “Twilight, I'm only a shell of what I used to be. I'll never be able to use the Element of Kindness again.
“Don't say that.” Twilight said.
“But it's true.” Fluttershy replied. “Every time I think of Chrysalis, I'm filled with so much anger...it scares me.”
“Is that the only thing that scares you?” Twilight asked.
Fluttershy nodded, then shook her head. “No. It's Shade.”
Twilight's eyes slightly widened. “He's never scared you before.”
Fluttershy shook her head again. “It's not that. I'm afraid that he...that he won't love me anymore.”
“What?” Twilight asked, slightly shocked. “Whatever would make you think that?”
“Look at me, Twilight.” Fluttershy said. “Can somepony love this broken shell I have to call a body?”
“Fluttershy, we're all struggling.” Twilight started. “And you have the best proof that Shade won't stop loving you.”
Fluttershy raised her eyebrows. “Really?”
Twilight smiled and reached for Fluttershy's necklace. Quick as a flash, Fluttershy smacked her hooves away and clutched it. “I'm sorry, it's a force of habit now.” She muttered.
“And there's your proof.” Twilight said. Suddenly, she went still.
“Twilight?” Fluttershy asked.
“Shh!” Twilight hushed her friend. “Look.” She pointed at Shade. His head had been lying on its side so that Twilight could examine his eyes. But as the two mares looked, they saw that his face was pointing at the ceiling.
“I didn't move him.” Fluttershy said, shocked.
Twilight smiled. “Fluttershy, he's waking up.”
. . .
I forced my eyes open again, finding myself in my mother's throne room. “Null, why are we here? And what was that memory supposed to show me?”
Null trotted up to my side and sat down. “Dad, you were supposed to be kidnapped when you were eight.”
“I wasn't though.” I said.
Null nodded. “Right. Here's what happened. You were in a secret relationship with Dancing Mist for six months. You two hid it really well.”
I winced as the force of that struck me. “No wonder Misty was so angry when I started to be with Fluttershy. She still loved me.”
“A changeling's bond is very hard to break, Dad.” Null said. “Look at me, for one.”
“But I don't understand.” I said, remembering something. “My mom gave me back all my memories, right.”
“Yes, but she didn't lock all of them.” Null pointed out. “When you were hugging Celestia, Chrysalis locked two very important memories of yours. One, was your love for Dancing Mist. That lock on your brain is the only reason you were psychologically able to not be with her.”
I scratched my head. “So after we make our choice, we're stuck with it?”
Null smiled. “In a manner of speaking. Changelings can date, but that bond is the ultimate form of trust. It's made to help our species survive. You felt it with Fluttershy, didn't you?”
I thought back to those many months ago, when I had told Fluttershy about my love for her. “It was such a warm feeling...”
“That was your body and mind accepting her. It wouldn't have connected unless Fluttershy had felt the same, which we know that she did.” Null continued. “If she hadn't, then no consequence. It's funny though...”
“What is?” I asked.
“Logically speaking, you should be dead by now and I should be long gone.” Null said. “Even with the fact that you're one of the strongest changelings alive, you shouldn't still be alive.”
I shook my head. “I don't understand it either.” My hoof flashed to my neck and my eyes widened. “My necklace!”
Null nodded, suddenly more quiet.. “And now we come to the second memory. Look.” I turned and down the hallway was my necklace, floating in midair.
“How did it come off?” I asked.
“I think that's the reason you didn't die.” Null replied. “You two have a very strong bond.”
I smiled at him, then turned back to the piece of jewelry. “So, I just go grab it?”
Null looked down the hallway. “Yeah. Go ahead.”
The look in my son's eye confused me, but I shrugged my shoulders and moved on. As I took a step onto the carpet, two things happened. One, every statue on the walls shifted and shot up on either side of the red carpet. And two, a bolt of lightning slammed right in front of me.
“Ahh!” I jumped backwards, only to crash into an invisible wall. Glancing behind me, I saw that Null wasn't there anymore. He was sitting on my mother's throne.
“Null?! What's happening?!” I shrieked as the statues started to turn green.
“I can't help you with this part!” Null yelled back. “Just keep pressing on to the necklace! And whatever you do, don't stop walking!”
I gulped and began my trek to the middle of the room.
To say that it was scary is the understatement of my entire life. If I hadn't had to keep moving, I would have been downright petrified. My stomach was flipping in every direction and every hair stood on end. The statues continued to ooze green mist and shake as I walked. I glanced outside the windows and saw a strange red swirling pattern in the sky.
And there was the lightning. Oh, the lightning. Every time a bolt struck down, I almost leaped into one of the statues. The only reason I didn't do that was because those scared me as well. I had no choice but to slowly pace down the aisle, my worst fear all around me.
By the time I finally reached my necklace, I was shaking and shivering all over my body. Null had somehow reached the middle of the room while I had been fighting my fear. I reached out and took my necklace, smiling as I rubbed the familiar diamond. As I started to put it on, Null stopped me.
“Dad...”, he started, but looked down. “Are you sure that you're ready? To go back? To face the world how it is now?”
I smiled at my son. “I have to. I made a promise that I'd always be there.”
He looked up at me, and pointed at my mom's throne again. A door had appeared there. “Put the necklace on, and touch that door. I'll speak to you again. And Dad?” He hugged me. “ Good luck.” Suddenly, he was gone.
I put the necklace around my neck, letting it go to clink into place. Instantly, the entire rooms started to shake. I turned towards the throne, but then the unexpected happened. Instead of the lightning striking around my body, it struck me.
. . .
Twilight was reading one of Zecora's books for a possible explanation when Fluttershy tapped her shoulder. “Twilight, is Shade supposed to be...sparking?”
Twilight turned towards the changeling as she saw electric sparks dancing on his body. “What?” She said as Fluttershy wrapped her forelegs around him. She tapped her head, thinking. Suddenly, her eyes widened. “Fluttershy, get back!”
Fluttershy let go of Shade, right as electricity burst around his body.
“Ahh!” Both mares were knocked backwards from the burst. Fluttershy hit the ground as Twilight slammed against the wall.
Fluttershy pulled herself up and was set on running towards Shade when Twilight yelled. “No, Fluttershy! You'll be electrocuted!”
Fluttershy turned back to Twilight. “Twilight, he deserves to see something he needs when he wakes up. I have to do this.”
Twilight was torn. She didn't want Fluttershy to be hurt, but she knew where she was coming from. She sighed and nodded. “I'm pulling you out if you're dying on me.”
Without a second thought, Fluttershy flung herself on Shade, crying out as the electricity start to lance through her. Twilight lit her horn and cast a spell on Fluttershy to nullify the damage.
“I can't hold this for long.” She thought to herself. “Please wake up..”
…
Pain. That's just about the only thing I could think of. I couldn't scream, couldn't cry. I knelt on the ground reeling in the pain.
Don't....fall...I knew that if I fell to the ground, I was done. Whatever you do, don't stop. Null's words flashed through my head. I knew what I needed to do.
With a lot of effort, I slowly planted my forelegs into a position so that I could push up. And the pain from doing that made me think that I was going to die on the spot. I refused to stop, pushing against the ground until I was able to stand. And then, I started to walk.
Each step felt like I was slogging through mud, except that it HURT. I didn't try to think or plan my steps, I just walked. Step after step after step.
Tears started to fall from the effort of walking. Electricity was flowing throughout my entire body. I could feel it reaching every inner pore of my insides and was surprised that it hadn't cooked my insides.
I...can't...stop. My mind struggled to coax out rational thoughts. Must...continue...
Another step and another, and another! I continued to walk, and then tripped.
As my body crashed on the ground, I involuntary curled into the fetal position. And at that very moment, I was certain that I was going to die. I was ready to lay there and welcome the darkness...
Until I opened my eyes again and saw a pair of beautiful teal eyes in front of me. I saw that the door was open and there was pure light behind it. And in front of me was Fluttershy, reaching out for my hoof.
I stared at it, convinced that there was no way that I would be able to grasp it. But she simply smiled at me and said four words. Four words, no more, no less.
Come back to me.
I felt a surge of energy slice through the pain that was torturing me. With a scream, I forced my right foreleg up and grasped Fluttershy's hoof. I felt a tugging on my body...
And it was done. The pain had finally ended. I stood there for a few moments, shaking. Null came from nowhere and laid his hoof on my side. “Dad...you did it.”
I hugged him. Tight. The two of us stayed like that for a few moments before Null pulled away. “How do you feel?”
“Like I just walked through a lightning storm, what do you think?” I said with a smile. I held my hoof and gasped as electricity danced on it. “What?”
“And the second memory. Your innate control over electricity.” Null said. “Chrysalis charmed you to have an irrational fear of it. That way, you're strongest power would be taken from you. But you still were giving her hell without it.” He added with a smile.
I looked at the door of light as the room shook. Null pushed me. “You need to go. Your mind is repairing itself and you can't be in here when it's done.”
“Where will you go?” I asked my son.
He smiled. “I'm a part of you, Dad. I'm going to stay right here, with you. Maybe we'll never talk again, but at least I can share some of your life.
I hugged him for the last time. “Null, thank you. Thank you so much.”
He squeezed me back. “I love you, Dad.”
“I love you too.” I replied, letting go of him. With a deep breath, I turned to the door.
“Don't forget, when you get your strength back, you need to start training your electricity, get your body acclimated to it.” Null said. “And you know, you missed my birthday.”
“Want a present?” I snarked at him, causing him to laugh.
“That'd be perfect! And I have the perfect idea.” Null said. “Send my mother's soul this way, would you? I have words for her.”
I nodded. “Consider it a belated birthday present.” I turned to the door and stepped through it, light covering my body. And then, I knew nothing.
. . .
Fluttershy stepped back from Shade as his body stopped sparking. With a huff, Twilight broke the spell and stood on the other side of the changeling. She started to speak, but stopped when Shade began to move.
Fluttershy and Twilight hoped with all of their might as the changeling's body stirred on the bed. And then, it was like a miracle, he slowly opened his eyes.
“Shade.” Fluttershy whispered.
The changeling's eyes finally focused as he looked at his mate. “Hey....sweetheart.” he managed to say, his voice cracking. “I'm really, really sorry...that I took so long.”