It was quite a fine day in Equestria, and unsurprisingly, Twilight Sparkle was inside reading a book. What I mean by that was that it was not surprising that she was reading a book. The fact that she was reading it cooped up inside the tree that housed her home and the Ponyville Library instead of on a park bench as she was often wont to do on a day as beautiful as this one may or may not come as a surprise to some. However, the reason this was so was simply because the research she was doing was quite important and unwanted distractions would be grievous indeed. Twilight needed all the brainpower she could spare, because, it seemed, she had discovered a new set of elements.
Not the kind of elements you might find on a periodic table, like hydrogen or gold or ununnilium. Not even a new synthetic element. No, these elements seemed to be of the magical sort, spirits personifying certain traits. Twilight herself was one of the Elements of Harmony, magic to be exact. She and the other five Elements had used their great power to defeat mighty foes, such as Discord, the Spirit of Chaos and enemy to the very concept of harmony. He’s a statue now. Anyway, Twilight had never known, never even suspected that there might be other elements out there besides those of harmony which presided in her and her friends. Not until now, at least. The idea of it made her giddy.
By now, if you didn’t already know, you have probably begun to fathom just how much a nerd Twilight was. But even nerds are subservient to their all-powerful demigod mistress, especially if they are the personal student of said demigod. Realizing her discovery would likely be of immense interest to the Princess of the Sun, she set about writing a letter. By this, I mean, she called her dragon Spike up to do all the work.
“Spike! Spiiiiiike!”
“Coming Twilight!”
Spike had been downstairs reshelving the books in the main library that always had a way of being left all over the floor by a certain purple unicorn whenever he finished organizing them. For such an OCD pony, Twilight had a way of making messes of her literature that defied comprehension. But, not wanting to keep Twilight waiting, as that would undoubtedly mean being sent to the corner, he went upstairs to her bedroom to see what task he was to slave away at next.
“Spike, take a letter.”
‘Oh, of course,’ thought Spike ‘I need to write a letter. Why can’t she ever write her own letters? She has telekinesis for Celestia’s sake, she could probably do it with her eyes shut.’ But, not daring to speak this treachery aloud, he picked up a quill and a piece of parchment and stood ready, waiting for Twilight to dictate the contents of the letter.
She began. “Dear Princess Celestia-”
‘Not another friendship lesson.” Spike said in his head.
“-I am writing to you of a matter of utmost importance. It seems that there are more magical elements than just the Elements of Harmony. I have discovered what seems to be an entirely new set of them. I will need to study further, and I will report back when I have found something. If you know anything, please relay it to me immediately. Always your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”
Spike had to hurry to finish those last lines because he had paused part way through in shock. Once he completed the task of penning the letter, he rolled the parchment up into a scroll, tied it with a ribbon, and incinerated it into ashes with his breath of enchanted flame. The ashes floated out the window, spiraled once or twice in a thermal, and began to ride the cool morning breeze to the distant city of Canterlot, Capital of Equestria and seat of the throne. Not long after, indeed it seemed only a few seconds had passed, before Spike belched out a great cloud of flame which materialized itself into a parchment scroll nearly identical to the one he had sent off. Twilight immediately used her magic to pluck the document from the air and unrolled it. She held it up and her eyes quickly scanned the content. When she let it fall, her face was agape with disbelief. “The Princess, she- she-” Twilight stammered “she wants me to forget it! She even told me to burn the book I had found the clue in! How could this be? There is something odd going on here. . .”
Spike cut in: “Hey, Twilight, maybe you’re just overthinking. She probably just doesn’t want you overworking your brain or anything. When was the last time you took a break, anyways?’
“No, Spike,” Twilight returned in her over-serious-there’s-shenanigans-going-on voice, “something serious is going on, and I have to find out what!”
Meanwhile, in the evil lair-
No seriously, in the evil lair. In this case, the lair being the study or one Mr. Artemis Fowl the Second. Second obviously because his father had the exact same name and of course a distinguishment was necessary. Now this Artemis was a villain, the greatest mastermind the world had ever seen. His archnemesis Opal Koboi would beg to differ, except for the fact that ‘dead men (or pixies) tell no tales’. Yeah, she died. Her minion put a knife in her chest. The point being that Artemis was now indisputably the best mastermind in the world. Also the richest, for he came from a long line of men nearly as devious as him. The Fowl family name was the most respected and well-known name in all of Ireland.
Did I forget to mention Artemis was Irish? But to the point. He was rich and smart and saved the world several times and also he discovered faeries. A lot of achievements for a minor. Now, at this point, he was a better man, more reformed, and less taken to criminal activities. But at this point, now that his archnemisis was finally gone for good, and for once no new threat seemed to be imminently looming (for once), he realized that soon he would have to face the Shirt. See, he hadn’t really been home for awhile, at least while zombie pirates and evil all-powerful pixies weren’t trying to kill him, and so he hadn’t had to deal with it. What the Shirt was was a simple graphic tee of the sort normal teenagers wear. But Artemis was no normal teenager, and he loathed any garment not in any way resembling an Armani suit. He wouldn’t wear it if it wasn’t an Armani suit. So, as you can see, he had a major problem. He had been trapped into wearing it by his mother who had bought the shirt for him as a birthday present about a year and a half ago. He had been in a small escape pod under the ocean with a dwindling oxygen supply and two other occupants at the time, so the matter had not pressed on his mind quite as much as it would have in normal circumstances. Later on after that he was hospitalized in a secret underground facility to treat his magical mental condition. When he finally went home, it was under attack and the world was in chaos.
Now he had no excuse to avoid the promise his own mother had bamboozled him into making. Artemis had to hand it to her, the trap was simple yet impossible to escape. She made him promise to make use of the gift she bought him and then revealed its identity after he agreed. The shirt itself would have been bad enough for him even without his aversion to non-Armani garments. It was black, and on the front was an image of a neckless youth missing two digits on each hand. In the background, scrawled topography text read ‘Randomosity’. This, of course, did not sit well with Artemis. But logic told him to get it over with. He’d just have to wear the shirt and the included jeans for one day; just one day to appease his mother, and then he’d never have to see it again. He could even burn it if he wanted. Bracing himself, the boy genius approached the door that led to his adjoining sleeping quarters.
Once inside, he opened a dresser drawer and removed an item still wrapped in tissue paper. Removal of this veil revealed it to the the Randomosity shirt. But- something seemed- off about it. The colors were much brighter than Artemis had remembered. Indeed, it seemed to be giving off its own light. The word ‘Randomosity’ rapidly increased in luminance. There could be no question about it now; the shirt was glowing. Artemis’ mind immediately began to formulate an explanation. He realized with some amusement that that light patterns reminded him of the times he had been transported through time. This thought quickly asserted itself in the front of his mind, and he instantly made the connection. As soon as he did, the portal made its connection, and Artemis was no longer in his room. He was not even in the house. In fact, Artemis was not even on the planet.