Why hello there, young fillies and colts! What brings you to me on this fine February evening? A story you say? Hmmmm… Yes, a story indeed… Ah ha! I think I've got just the right one for the occasion. For winter is beginning to draw to a close, and do you know what wonderful day is just ahead of us? Why, Hearts and Hooves Day of course! That fabulous day of the year when ponies get to spend quality time with their Very Special Someponies; when love floats majestically through the air and fuels the romantic infatuation that beats strongly in every heart; when your very soul is lit afire by an undying passion for–! What's that you say? Too mushy? Why my dear lad, if anything it's not mushy enough! But I shall get to the point. The story that I am going to tell you is a tale of that special day, and one pony's unexpected experience with the magic of love.
Our tale begins in the town of Ponyville. It may not be the biggest in Equestria, but Ponyville has a lot of spirit. It's hard to find a face not smiling around town, especially on the most special day of the year. Large red hearts were strung on paper chains across doorways, and baskets of flowers lined the bustling streets. Bouquets were half off at the flower shop, and Sugarcube Corner was offering a special "Hearts and Hooves" shake. You could look in any direction and see at least three heart-shaped boxes of chocolates being delivered. And the couples, oh the couples! Left and right, up, down, sideways, front, back, and all around ponies were walking, talking, eating, and of course cooing in pairs. It was absolutely beautiful, just as it always is. Who could look upon such a sight and not be filled with warmth and joy? Oh, that's right. Caramel could.
Caramel had spent all morning observing the romantically content Ponyville, and he wasn't filled with warmth or joy. The only thing that Caramel was filled with was custard, and that was because he had been eating it. Believe it or not, Caramel had developed a habit of eating custard whenever he was feeling down. This is ironic, you see, because his name is Caramel, so you'd expect him to be eating– Oh, never mind.
Anyway, it had been a very lonely time watching all the other ponies trot along in happy pairs. As a result, Caramel was absolutely stuffed with fresh-squeezed custard. The reason I say "fresh-squeezed" is because custard, as you may know, is rarely served by itself. Often it is found layered within cake or garnished with raspberries, and to get pure custard one usually has to remove the non-custard part of a multiple-ingredient dish. In Caramel's case, at least twenty empty donut shells which had once contained the pastry cream lay scattered on his table.
Caramel put his head down and clutched his bulging tummy. He was very uncomfortable, but he supposed that it was better than feeling the cold grip of loneliness that held his heart.
It was right about this time that Mrs. Cake reappeared from the kitchen. She had been serving Caramel his rather excessive bout of pastries and was beginning to worry about his health.
"Caramel dear," Her voice was soft and sympathetic, "You've been staring out that window, slurping down custard since we opened this morning. Is something upsetting you?"
He sighed and turned his head towards the kind pastry chef, keeping it at rest on the table. "Well, it's just that… This is my first Hearts and Hooves day without Sassaflash, and I guess I'm a little lonely."
Of course! How could Mrs. Cake have forgotten! Caramel and Sassaflash had been so close for the longest time. They did everything together, and seemed completely absorbed with each other. Many would have thought it to be true love. But alas, good things are often cut short. Just a few months ago Sassaflash broke the connection, she felt that their relationship "wasn't really going anywhere". Ouch.
Mrs. Cake put a sympathetic hoof on Caramel's shoulder and tried to think of a way to cheer him up. "Oh, just forget about her. There are plenty of other fish in the sea."
"I hate fish. Too scaly." was his muffled reply from the table top.
"Oh, yes well…" Mrs. Cake began to struggle with her words. In all honesty she was kind of uncomfortable with this whole business. Young ponies and their love lives were not on the top of her priority list, especially today when she had lots to do and not much time to do it. "If there's anything I can do, just let me know."
"Maybe another one of these?" said Caramel, gesturing towards the leftover pastry waste.
"Oh, no. I'm sorry dear, but I'm afraid you've run us dry as far as custard goes. You could always try eating the actual donut part, you know."
Caramel frowned and shook his head. He wasn't hungry, just sad. And when he was sad he ate custard, not donuts. "Maybe if I come back this evening?" he suggested.
"Sorry, but no again. The Mr. and I are going to spend the evening together out on the town. We've been planning it for weeks."
Right on cue, Mr. Cake popped his head around the corner, a big goofy grin on his face. "There's my little sugar pop!" he said in a tragically mushy voice, "is she ready for our big night out tonight?"
"Why of course I am honey bear!"
"Shmoopy-woopy!"
"Candy shnoogums!"
"Gummy doll!"
The Cakes seemed to completely forget that there was a third pony in the room with them. The ongoing string of sappy nicknames was almost unbearable for the single brown stallion, who grew more and more uncomfortable until he finally was noticed (mid-pet name) by Mr. Cake.
"Caramel my boy! How have you been? Quite a fine day we've got today. But why aren't you out there with that pegasus girl of yours? Say, where is Sassaflash anyway? I thought–" Mrs. Cake gave him a hard nudge in the side.
"Ow! Hey what was that for? I was just asking Caramel about Sass–" She nudged him again and nodded towards Caramel who had his face down on the table again.
"Oh… Sorry guy." said Mr. Cake.
"Don't worry about it." Caramel said as he glumly rose from his seat. "I think I'm just gonna go home for the day." He began to make his way towards the door, but Mrs. Cake stopped him before he could leave.
"Wait a minute. Don't move." she said, and then turned and headed up the stairs. Helping lonely ponies may not be at the top of her list, but she couldn't just leave Caramel in misery for the rest of what was supposed to be a happy day. She couldn't think of a perfect solution, but she at least had an idea, and that was better than nothing.
She returned after a few moments with a broad smile on her face. "Don't be sad Caramel," she was speaking in a mock game show voice. "you wont have to be lonely on this Hearts and Hooves Day because you are going to spend it with the one, the only, the incredible Pinkie Pie!"
As soon as the words left her lips, a pink blur zoomed down the stairs, across the room, and right up to the startled stallion.
"Hi!" said Pinkie in her ever-enthusiastic voice, "I heard that you're feeling kind of lonely today and I want to help make you feel better! Especially today, because it's a very special day when everypony is supposed to be happy and even though it's no-good to be sad on a normal day it's extra-no-good to be sad on Hearts and Hooves day!"
Caramel stared into her big blue eyes, not quite sure what to say. Those of you who know Pinkie will recall that she strives to be friends with every pony in Ponyville, and therefore already knew a great deal about Caramel. You will also recall, however, that to all those outside her closest circle of friends Pinkie's bubbly and eccentric demeanor can be very disconcerting. Caramel liked Pinkie, sure. He had seen her around town often, had a few good conversations at social gatherings, and who couldn't enjoy her party invitation songs? But he wasn't quite certain he was willing to spend the entire day with her. Whenever he saw her, Pinkie always seemed to be doing something rather odd and occasionally dangerous. Ponies who were a bit more forward or a bit less polite might call her "crazy". Caramel wasn't sure if he wanted that kind of excitement today.
But before he had a chance to turn any of these thoughts into words, Pinkie had swept Caramel out the door and into the crowded town square. "So, what should we do first?" asked Pinkie as she pushed him along, "We could go to the park or go bowling or swim in the lake or–"
Caramel managed to wriggle loose from her grasp and spin around in the street. "Look, Pinkie, I appreciate what you're trying to do, really, but I think it would be better if I just went home."
"Oh no you don't," Pinkie proclaimed as she grabbed Caramel again, "I can t leave a friend with a frown! I've been watching you Caramel, and you haven't been the same since Sassaflash left you. You used to be so happy all the time, but now you just mope around and eat custard."
"When are you going to learn that you don't have to be everypony's grief counselor?" Caramel was beginning to become frustrated, "Like I said, I appreciate the gesture, but I don't think you know enough about me personally to do any real good."
Caramel turned and began to walk toward his house again, but this time he stopped himself when he heard what Pinkie had to say next.
"Your full name is Caramel Moffat Toffee. You were born on a wagon traveling to Ponyville after a visit to Baltimare (where your family is from). You live in the apartment above Cherry Berry next to Rarity's Boutique, but you wish you could have a cottage near the edge of the forest like Fluttershy. You like Ponyville because it's an interesting and busy place, but not too big for comfort. That is why you don't ever think you could move in with your family in Baltimare. You're a very sweet guy who always tries to do the right thing, but can be very forgetful, and that sometimes gets you into trouble. Is that enough about 'you personally'?"
Caramel stared perplexedly at the Pink Pony, who's head was cocked to the side in an inquisitive fashion. "How do you know so much about me?" he asked.
"Because you told me, silly!" Pinkie replied, "At parties, on the street, that one nightmare night when we bobbed for apples together, I've been listening to you talk about yourself for years now. And sometimes you tell other ponies things and then they tell me. I just remember everything about you because I want to be your friend." she smiled (which was not uncommon for Pinkie) and then started hopping in happy circles around Caramel (also not uncommon for Pinkie).
The stallion himself felt flattered, but also a little guilty. Pinkie was actually a really nice pony. Here she was, rattling of facts about him like ingredients for a birthday cake, and Caramel didn't know that much about Pinkie at all! In fact, most of Caramel's knowledge of Miss Pie came from his brief experience with the two hundred or so Pinkie clones that had overrun the town last November.
"So! – I – am – going – to – make – you – happy!" exclaimed Pinkie, spacing her words between hops.
"Good luck." said Caramel, sitting down heavily in the middle of the street, "I haven't been 'happy' since I lost my marefriend."
"We-ell," Pinkie drew out the word in a playful fashion and sauntered over next to the moping stallion, "you could always find a new marefriend."
"A new marefriend, you say? Hmmm… Yes, why that's a great idea! Why didn't I think of that?" Thinking of things wasn't exactly Caramel's strong suit. "I'm going to find myself a new Very Special Somepony!"
"And I'm going to help!" said Pinkie excitedly.
And thus, the two ponies set out on a quest to find love for a lonely stallion. Now you may think that Pinkie Pie is an unusual choice for a relationship advisor, but I'm afraid you'd be thinking incorrectly. With her remarkably vast knowledge of each and every resident of Ponyville, Pinkie was a great help to Caramel on his endeavor to find the perfect mare. They were able to quickly whittle away those who already had Very Special Someponies, those who weren't interested in a relationship right now, and of course those who didn't like custard. The resulting list was definitely shorter, but still quite extensive, and the two had a lot of compatibility checks to run.
They continued to narrow the list as they walked down the street.
"How about this," suggested Pinkie, "Tell me who you'd like to have as your Very Special Somepony, anypony at all, and we'll start with her."
"Well… I guess I sort of have a little crush on..." Caramel blushed and shook his head, "I can't say it."
"C'mon! Tell me!"
"You'll laugh!"
"That's because I always laugh, it's kind of my thing. Now who is it?"
Caramel hid his face behind his hooves and mumbled "mmplmmh"
"Didn't quite catch that." said Pinkie.
"Ammplamk" He repeated.
"Come again?"
"APPLEJACK!" Caramel shouted at the top of his lungs, causing a few nearby ponies to stop what they were doing and look to see what all the commotion was about.
Pinkie pondered his answer for a short couple seconds before devolving into a fit of giggles. A humiliated Caramel was forced to stand in the middle of the road, waiting while his Pink companion made a joke out of his crush. Finally when he could stand it no longer, he decided to break the laughing fit.
"Well thanks for all the help Pinkie I guess I'll go pack my stuff and move out of town now."
"No wait! Heehee! It's just that you really couldn't have picked a more unfortunate crush!" Pinkie got her giggling under control and put a hoof around Caramel's shoulder.
"Why's that?" asked Caramel, a little offended, "I've always found Applejack to be a very nice pony. She's pleasant and hard-working and never wants to let anyone down. Her family is nice, and I'll be a griffon's uncle if you can find a more honest pony in the whole world. In my opinion she is a very desirable mare."
"Oh, it's not that." said Pinkie with a sly smile on her face, "AJ is great! You'd just have a lot of trouble getting her to be your Very Special Somepony."
"What kind of trouble?"
"Well, let's just say that you're barking up the wrong apple tree."
"Barking up-?" something clicked in Caramel's mind, "Oh! So you mean she's… What you're saying is that she's a… Umm–"
"Member of an over-protective family. Yes. It's kind of a rule with the Apples that you can't have a Very Special Somepony unless you are committed to them, so Applejack is unlikely to be anypony's Very Special Somepony unless she's absolutely certain that you're the perfect one for her!" Pinkie explained happily.
"Oh…" said Caramel. That wasn't what he thought she was talking about at all. "I guess it's for the best. I'm pretty good friends with Big Mac, and it might get awkward if I was with his younger sister." Caramel hung his head and began walking slowly again.
"Hey, don't look so down." said Pinkie. "You'll find somepony. You know, she's probably right under your muzzle and you don't even realize it."
"Thanks, but I've heard that one before." As he said this, Caramel stepped off the dirt road, and onto a patch of grass. "Wait a minute… Why are we at the park?"
Indeed, the pair had arrived at Ponyville park, where countless ponies lay sunbathing in the grass or sat on picnic blankets for two. The park was the classic Hearts and Hooves spot. Now that it was about lunchtime, everypony who wasn't at a cafe or restaurant seemed to be here, enjoying the beautiful cloudless day with their significant other.
"Because this is the perfect place to meet other ponies!" Pinkie explained, and promptly pushed Caramel right into the center of the park.
"So are you all warmed up on your pick-up lines? Got enough pleasant conversation topics? Need a breath mint? Is your mane combed? Good! Then get out there and flirt, because here comes your first opportunity right now!" and before Caramel could so much as guess what was happening, Pinkie had spun him around and sent him trotting down a path, right up to an aquamarine unicorn mare.
"Hi!" said Lyra Heartstrings, who was a little surprised but nonetheless delighted to see Caramel here today.
Caramel didn't say anything for a few seconds, until he realized that this was the pony with whom he was supposed to be acquainting himself.
"Hello, Lyra! Beautiful day, huh?"
"Oh yes, quite nice."
An awkward silence followed in which neither really knew what to say.
Suddenly, Pinkie poked her head out from a bush just behind Lyra and whispered "complement the way she looks." and then disappeared just as the unicorn spun around to see what had made that noise.
"Did you hear something?" she asked.
"Err, probably just the wind. Your… mane looks really nice today."
"Oh, thank you! I just had it styled. Yours does too, but then, your mane always looks nice Caramel." a slight red hue appeared on Lyra's cheeks, identical to the one on Caramel's.
Another awkward silence followed this exchange, and yet again Pinkie had to come to the rescue. This time she somehow managed to peek out from underneath a nearby rock. "Ask her if she'll be your Very Special Somepony." she said.
Caramel gulped and gave a weak smile, this was harder than he remembered. "Say, Lyra… I was wondering if–?"
"Our entire universe is just the product of the imagination of some other intelligence in a different universe, and everything we know has been created for the entertainment of someone else? I was just wondering that too!" Lyra suddenly became very exited, and seemed to forget where she was.
"Umm," Caramel was slightly perplexed, "That's not exactly–"
"I mean look around us! Doesn't this all seem too perfect? And how about the names of our cities? Vanhoover, Fillydelphia, Ponyville! Those are all just puns! Do the Minotaurs have a town named Minotaurville? Do the Griffons have a city named Griffontown?"
"Griffonburg, actually." said Caramel. He was becoming uneasy. Clearly this was a topic that Lyra spent a lot of time thinking about, more time than Caramel thought was healthy. Lyra didn't take notice though, and continued to ramble on.
"Abort! Abort!" Pinkie was shout whispering from inside a picnic basket. Caramel had to think quickly.
"Oh dear, look at the time!" he said, looking up at the sun, "I'm afraid I've got a lunch appointment to make over on the other side of town. I've really got to be going.
"Oh, ok." said Lyra, a little disappointed, but convinced. "I guess I'll see you around Caramel. Remember to watch out for rips on the fabric of space-time!"
"Don't worry, I will!" Caramel called back as he briskly walked away from the strange conversation. He walked straight across the park and up to the gazebo, where Pinkie Pie was waiting for him.
"Sorry, Caramel. I always forget about Lyra's kooky conspiracy theories."
"Don't apologize, I forget things all the time." Caramel plopped himself down next to Pinkie on the steps. They sat quietly for a minute, watching all the happy couples eat their packed lunches and sip bottled cider.
"It looks like everypony but us is having fun" said Caramel.
"I'm having fun." said Pinkie, her voice seemed airy and less frantic than usual. Caramel looked at her quizzically. "Just being out here with you." she said.
Caramel smiled and stood up. "We should probably leave, if Lyra sees me she'll know that I lied and I don't want to hurt her feelings." He turned towards the path out of the park, but just as he was about to start walking, he saw her.
"Get down!" he said to Pinkie and dove quickly behind a bush. "Get down or she'll see us!"
"Who? Is it Lyra?" asked Pinkie as she swiveled her head from side to side.
"Worse. It's Sassaflash."
Finally Pinkie managed to get a lock on the pony to whom Caramel was referring. She sat on a nearby picnic blanket with a carrot in her mouth and a smile on her face.
Now, Sassaflash is the kind of pony whom everypony knows, but nopony really knows. She tends to spend a lot of time in Cloudsdale, which I suppose is not unusual for a member of the weather team. As a result, she is known best by her pegasus friends, and only really got to know Caramel on Winter Wrap-up day a couple of years ago. They met when Sassaflash accidentally kicked a plume of snow out of a cloud and right onto Caramel's head, causing him to lose his grass seed. They struck up a wonderful conversation and things just kinda took off from there. It was difficult, what with their conflicting schedules and Caramel's lack of wings, but they made it work, and he thought everything was going just great. Sassaflash, however, apparently did not share his opinion. She eventually got tired of the constant sky-to-ground commute, and broke the relationship, saying that it was too difficult to go anywhere meaningful. Caramel was heartbroken and– well you know the rest.
Anyway, there she was, happy as a frog in a bog, munching on a carrot salad and sitting on a picnic blanket next to–
"Thunderlane?!?" Caramel almost shouted, but managed to stifle his astonishment when he noticed the charcoal colored pegasus stallion. It was an unbelievable sight. Caramel had spent months in depression over his terminated relationship, and here was Sassaflash already with a different stallion sharing a salad and chatting away like they'd been together for years.
"I knew she always wished I had wings." he said as he glanced miserably at his featherless back.
"Hey look!" said Pinkie, "Thunderlane is helping Sassaflash find a Very Special Somepony too! I wonder how they expect to meet anypony while they're just sitting there eating that salad? Or nuzzling each other like that, I don't see how–… Oh…"
"C'mon Pinkie, Let's get out of here." Caramel sighed, "All this loneliness is making me hungry."
"Really? That's funny, because all these picnics are making me hungry!"
"Can you make a custard flavored milkshake?" Caramel asked Pinkie when they arrived back at Sugarcube Corner.
Pinkie giggled, "No, silly. I've got the perfect thing. 'Hearts and Hooves' shakes are on sale today, and they're red! How great is that!?"
"Alright, I'll try one of those." said Caramel, half-heartedly. He really just needed something to get his mind off Sassaflash.
In one swift movement that couldn't have lasted more than two seconds, Pinkie zoomed inside and came right back out again holding a large red milkshake. She placed it on one of the outside tables and plopped a straw into the top. Caramel's mouth was still open from when he had been talking.
"I will never understand how you do that." confessed Caramel, "Errr, you might have to put this on my tab, I forgot to go to the bank again."
"Don't worry about that." Pinkie replied, "I get one of these for free because I work here, so you can have mine." she smiled and sat down across the table.
"But then you won't get any." said Caramel, who felt that Pinkie was being much more generous than she needed to be. "I'll tell you what, why don't we share this one? Grab another straw."
Pinkie gave a winning smile and then did just that. The milkshake was delicious, one of the best that either of them has ever had (and Pinkie has had a lot of milkshakes). Before too long, Caramel had almost entirely forgotten about his sorrows, and was simply enjoying a good shake and a pleasant conversation with his friend Pinkie Pie. This continued until he was suddenly pulled from the moment by a voice from beside him.
"Well if it isn't Caramel! Look girls, seems he's made a recovery." the voice belonged to Daisy, who had walked right up to Caramel's table without him even noticing. She had a couple baskets of flowers slung across her back, and was followed by Lily Valley and Rose who also both carried flowers.
"Oh, hello Daisy. How are you today?" asked Caramel.
"Just fine now that I see you doing so well. I must say, I'm very proud to see you getting back in the game so soon." the girls giggled.
Caramel was a bit confused by this remark. "What do you mean 'back in the game'?"
"I'm just glad that you've got another marefriend to keep you company, you've been so sad recently. I am a little surprised though, I didn't know you had any interest in eccentric baker's assistants."
A lightbulb went of in Caramels mind. He was just now realizing what Pinkie and he must look like, chatting and laughing together, sharing a milkshake, on Hearts and Hooves day. He blushed ferociously and began to stutter out an explanation.
"Oh no no no, we're not together, I mean we are together in the sense that we are with each other, but not like what it looks like, we don't like each other, well we do like each other in a friend kind of way and we are sharing a friend drink so that… Ummm…" Caramel could feel his face growing very hot, and he desperately turned to Pinkie for help. Pinkie, however, was devoting the vast majority of her concentration to the bubbles that she was blowing in the milkshake, and was unable to further explain.
"Well we should probably leave you two alone, got to get these flowers delivered anyway. Have fun, lovebirds!" and with that, the three giggling mares continued on their way down the street.
Caramel sat back down very embarrassed. He was glad that Pinkie didn't seem to have heard the preceding conversation.
Caramel didn't feel very hungry after that, so Pinkie was left to finish off the milkshake. As I'm sure you are aware, this was not a challenge for her. She has a unique ability to put away large amounts of sugar and retain a relatively trim figure. Then again, zipping back and forth faster than a speeding Wonderbolt all day long probably burns a lot of calories.
Caramel had no time to ponder his friend's dietary characteristics however; he was much too busy being depressed.
Pinkie finished off the last dregs of the milkshake and gave a satisfied sigh. "Alrighty-Tighty! Who should we try next?" she asked before she noticed that Caramel had returned to a morose state.
"It doesn't matter," he groaned, "it's already two o'clock, and I've only talked to one mare. There's no way we'll get through the list, and even if we do I don't think any of them are going to feel the same as Sassaflash." Caramel stood up and then immediately sat back down facing the other direction. The frown that he wore on his face was larger than had been seen in Ponyville for a long time.
I'm going to interrupt my own story for a moment here to tell you a short side story. Don't look at me like that! This is an important bit of exposition.
When Pinkie Pie was just a filly, before she got her cutie mark, she lived and worked on a rock farm with her parents and two sisters. It was dull work, and life on the farm was as boring and tasteless as can be, kind of like water chestnuts. One day, while preparing to rotate the rocks from the south field to the east field, Pinkie looked up in the the sky and saw a magnificent–
What's that? You've already heard this story? Well why didn't you say so! If I don't have to explain Pinkie's never-ending quest to make everypony happy, and her inability to keep from turning every frown she sees upside-down, then we can jump back into our main story. Now where was I?
"Thunderlane?!?" Caramel almost shouted, but managed to stifle his astonishment when he noticed the charcoal colored–
Oh wait, we've passed that, haven't we? Give me a break! Story telling isn't easy, you know. Ah yes, now I remember.
Pinkie marched herself around face-to-face with Caramel, the look in her blue eyes showing that she meant business. "Now listen here, mister. I said I was going to make you happy, and I am a pony of my word! You are gonna improve you're attitude right now and be optimistic about this, got it? I've made it my personal mission to help you out, and by the end of the day you will be a happy stallion! Do you understand?"
Caramel was slightly taken aback. Pinkie's demands had been assertive yet still somehow friendly. It was clear that she really did care about him.
Pinkie was standing with a hoof pointed in his face, waiting for a response. Caramel gave one, but in the form of a question.
"Why are you helping me?" He asked, "I mean I know you want to help, but why me? Why is it so important to you that I am happy today?"
For once in her life, Pinkie couldn't think of what to say. Not that she didn't know the answer. She did know, but she couldn't (or wouldn't) tell Caramel. It was a bit complicated and she really wanted to wait and see how the day went before she made any big decisions. Pinkie was quick on her hooves though, and came up with a response that she hoped would fit the bill.
"I… Because Mrs. Cake asked me to, and I trust her judgement more than anyone." As I said, this wasn't the entire reason, but it seemed to satisfy Caramel.
"Satisfy" I am using only as an expression, of course. Caramel wasn't really satisfied with anything at the moment. He was, however, convinced of a few things, and one of those things was that he would never find a replacement for Sassaflash. Caramel is a bit picky when it comes to marefriends; not in a bad way, he just likes certain kinds of ponies. He knew he would only be compatible with a mare who was caring, fun-loving, warm, and preferably without wings. No offense to any pegasi out there, but he'd tried that before and it didn't work out so well.
He did enjoy Pinkie's company though, and decided to humor her for the rest of the afternoon. The two set off into the town, and Caramel took to letting her pull him from pony to pony, trying to find the perfect marefriend.
"You'll figure it out eventually." Pinkie kept insisting, "I'll bet she's right under your muzzle, and you don't–"
"Don't even know it. Yeah, I got that. Lets just move on."
They moved on. And on. And on.
Sweetie Drops and Junebug weren't quite Caramel's type, he decided. Lemon Hearts and Sunny Rays had already found last minute Very Special Someponies, so they were out. He actually worked up the courage to ask Berry Punch, but she flat out rejected him (which was very humiliating).
By the fourth or fifth pony Caramel was completely worn out. Pinkie, on the other hoof, was an unending fountain of energy and optimism. She seemed to get happier each time Caramel walked away from a mare unsuccessful. You can always count on Pinkie Pie to find the fun side of something. Watching her hop merrily along beside him only made Caramel more tired.
She was a joy to be around though, and he couldn't help but be reminded of the first time he had ever met the extravagant pony.
It was his last year at Ponyville Elementary. Just a few more months and he would officially have moved out of colthood. He had gotten his cutie mark only a few weeks earlier, which was a major relief; he had been frightened he might graduate with a blank flank.
That was the year that a new student transferred into the school. Her name was Pinkamena.
Pinkie Pie was a year younger than Caramel. She moved in from the rock plains, which Caramel had never been to but had heard was very boring. From the demeanor of his new classmate, though, you'd have thought that it was a 24/7 party zone.
Pinkie already had her cutie mark when she came to town, which frankly made Caramel a little jealous; he would have done anything to get his cutie mark that early. He didn't have much other reason for apprehension towards the pink filly, though. She certainly was friendly enough. She already knew everybody's name, birthday, and favorite color by the end of her first day.
Oh, and she was obsessed with parties. After the "Just Moved Into Town" party, she had a "New Friends" party, then a "New School" party, not to mention every holiday.
What Caramel remembered more vividly than anything else though, was what happened on his birthday about four weeks after Pinkie arrived.
Caramel had never been a particularly popular pony. He wasn't an outcast or anything of that nature, but he tended to keep to himself and was never into the same big group activities that his classmates were. So it goes without saying that most of his birthday parties up to his birthday parties up to this point had been fairly small events. A few friends and his family was what he was used to.
On this particular day, though, he walked into the classroom to find it completely dark. He had just enough time to wonder wether he had missed some holiday when the lights snapped on.
"Surprise!" All of Ponyville Elementary including his teacher and students from every grade, his whole family, and even a few ponies that Caramel barely knew had turned out for a surprise party. There were games and dancing and a huge cake. caramel never dreamed that he would have a party as big or as fun as this.
When he went to thank his parents for setting it up for him though, they shook their heads and pointed to the real orchestrator: a springy pink filly smiling at him from across the room. Pinkie had barely known Caramel for a month, yet she cared about him enough to throw a party he would remember his entire life.
And for a pony with a memory such as Caramel's, remembering things for that long means they must be really meaningful.
It was his respect for Pinkie that kept him from backing out from what was turning out to be an entire day of disappointment. By the time the sun was getting low in the sky, the list they had made was running short and Caramel was pretty sure that they were going in circles. They even passed Applejack several times, who was selling her family produce at a vending table.
The first couple times Caramel tried to walk in her direction, Pinkie was able to steer him away saying that it wouldn't work out. The third time though, he decided to ignore her advice and make his move. He trotted confidently over to the orange mare, but instantly lost his courage when she looked up at him. He quickly diverted his direction to Big Macintosh, who was unloading some hay bails for a Hearts and Hooves Day hay ride nearby.
"HELLO BIG MACINTOSH. HOW ARE YOU?" said Caramel a little too loudly. He was trying desperately not to look at Applejack, who was about to start talking to him.
"Well, actually–" Big Mac began.
"GLAD TO HEAR IT. OK, BYE." Caramel spun around awkwardly and sped off around the corner, leaving both Apples very confused.
It took Pinkie a good bit of pep talking to get Caramel back on his hooves after that incident. Finally, she managed to convince him that there were still a lot of shrimp in the sea (seeing as Carmel didn't like fish).
"Okey-dokey-lokey," Pinkie said cheerily as the duo walked through town square for the fourth time that day, "next we're gonna try… Ummm… Ooh! Chocolate hearts!"
"Chocolate Hearts? I don't think I've met her before."
Pinkie giggled. "No silly. Chocolate hearts!" she pointed a hoof across the square to a vending table that was actually selling heart shaped chocolates. Caramel silently wondered to himself wether any of them were custard filled. Pinkie rather loudly wondered to herself how many she could fit in her mouth at a time.
"Only one way to find out!" she exclaimed and then turned to Caramel, "I'm gonna go conduct an experiment, and in the meantime you're gonna hit it off with…" she looked around the crowded square until her eyes locked on a target. "Her!"
Pinkie pushed Caramel right up behind a rather infamous mare who had been sitting all by herself near the Ponyville clock shop. She tapped the unsuspecting pony on the shoulder and then disappeared. The mare swiveled around only to find a vexed Caramel right behind her. She stared at him for a second, although frankly it was very difficult to tell what she was looking at.
"Oh, hi Caramel!" she said and shifted the rest of her grey body to face him, "How are you today?"
"Hello Derpy." Caramel replied with a hidden sigh, "I'm doing fine, thank you."
"That's good. It's a wonderful day and there's no sense in wasting it being unhappy."
Derpy Hooves. What made Pinkie think that this was a good match. She was very sweet, but she was just so… well, derpy. Just being around the clumsy mailmare made Caramel uncomfortable. Besides, she always seemed to be in a good mood; Caramel could hardly believe she would be feeling lonely.
Derpy shifted her gazes towards the sky, "Days like these are always the best for flying."
"Good day to be a pegasus then, huh?" Caramel commented with as little bitterness as possible.
"Yeah! Well, no… Maybe another pegasus." Derpy suddenly looked downcast, "The doctor says I shouldn't fly except when absolutely necessary, you know, because I keep crashing into things." she gestured towards the town hall.
"Wait, but doesn't your job involve flying?"
"Yup. The boss was pretty mad when he heard that news. I'm used to it though, he yells at me a lot. I have to do most of my deliverers on hoof now, and I'm still a little worried about losing my job." She looked back up and gave a weak smile. "I try to stay on the bright side, though."
Caramel felt pretty bad for underestimating Derpy's ability to have a hard time. He quickly decided to change the subject to something less depressing.
"So, where are you living these days?" he asked.
"I rent a room in Sweetie Drops's house, but I don't know how much longer I'll be there. I'm a little forgetful with paying rent, see." She smiled again and looked back up at the sky.
By now, Caramel felt really bad. If anyone knew how annoying it was to be constantly forgetting important things, it was him, and Derpy had all these other problems to deal with as well. A kind-hearted pony like her shouldn't have to be alone on Hearts and Hooves Day. Caramel gritted his teeth and decided to go for it.
"Derpy?"
"Hmm?" she looked away from the sky and into Caramel's cerulean eyes with at least one of her golden ones.
"Would you like to be–?"
"My Very Special Somepony!" A different brown stallion came trotting out the doors of the clock shop right up to the grey pegasus. "Sorry about the wait, it took longer to close up shop than I thought it would."
"Hi, Time Turner!" Derpy's face lit up once again, and she nuzzled his neck affectionately. Ponyville's premier timekeeper returned the favor until he noticed a rather dumbstruck Caramel standing nearby."
"Caramel! How ya been, pal?"
Caramel's mouth was hanging open. "I…? You…? She…?"
"Good to hear it, buddy. Well, Derpy and I have things to do, so I'm afraid we're gonna have to be going." the couple turned and began to stroll away down the road.
"Happy Hearts and Hooves Day!" Derpy called back to him as they rounded the corner and disappeared.
Caramel didn't say anything for a long while. In fact, he didn't even move until Pinkie's chocolate covered face popped out from a nearby water pail and asked "So, how'd it go?"
"Derpy has a date. Derpy Hooves has a date!" Caramel sat down heavily and put a hoof to his forehead. "I can't believe I'm behind Derpy in the relationship race."
"I can." said Pinkie as she extracted the rest of herself from the pail. "Her and Time Turner have been an item for like, two weeks now."
"Wha–? You knew? You set me up with a pony that you knew I couldn't be with?"
"Sure! I've been doing that all day!" Pinkie stuck out her tongue and swept up all the leftover chocolate with one quick slurp. "I know everypony more than well enough to tell that none of the ponies we visited were quite your type."
"All Day?!?" Caramel stood up, "You've intentionally been bringing me to mares who I'm not compatible with? How in Celestia's name is that supposed to help me!?"
Pinkie was mildly amused by Caramel's frustration. "Because silly, finding a Very Special Somepony isn't about checking qualities off a list or going from pony to pony and hoping something sparks. It's about spending time with ponies, discovering a deep connection that you have with somepony else. Love is something you can't even see until you've spent some time exploring."
Caramel was unsure how to respond to this unusually sophisticated argument from Pinkie. It appeared she knew more about this than he had suspected. In any case, he had had a long day and wasn't in the mood for a philosophical discussion.
Caramel sighed and bowed his head. He looked as if all the hope had been drained out of him.
"What's the point?" he groaned, "The day is almost over and I'm not any closer to finding my Very Special Somepony. I guess I'll just be lonely forever."
"Now wait just a minute." Pinkie's amusement had vanished, now she meant business. "You can't quit now! You'll never accomplish anything if you just drop out when the going gets rough. Do you think I quit when I had eighteen chocolate hearts in my mouth? No! Do you know what I did?"
"You put a nineteenth chocolate heart in your mouth?" Caramel asked.
"You're gosh darn right I put a nineteenth chocolate heart in my mouth!" Pinkie grabbed Caramel by the shoulders and pulled his face in so that she was looking at him dead-on. "I know for a fact that there is a Pony out there who would do anything to be your Very Special Somepony, and she's waiting for you to discover that it's her you've been looking for! Even if it takes the rest of the day, I'm determined to help you make that discovery!"
Caramel wasn't sure why, but Pinkie's speech filled him with passion. He found himself rising to the moment and being overcome with the urge to follow her words.
"Yeah," he said, standing a little taller, "You're right, I can't quit now."
"So, buck up soldier! It's time to find you a new marefriend!" Pinkie commanded in her best drill sergeant voice.
"Yeah!" Caramel cried in reply.
"Are you ready to have a little romance?!"
"Yeah!"
"And how are you gonna get it!?"
"I'm gonna go talk to Applejack!"
"You're gosh darn right you're gonna–! Wait, what?"
Before anything could stop him, Caramel had set out at a gallop across the square, right towards Applejack's vending cart. Pinkie blinked, and then dashed off after him.
"Caramel wait!" she called, but he wasn't listening.
Perhaps Pinkie's speech had been a bit too inspiring, perhaps Caramel was simply blinded with passion and loneliness, perhaps somepony would have beaten Pinkie's record if Caramel had not plowed down the chocolate hearts cart on his way across the square (although I doubt it). We'll never know for sure, but what we do know is that Caramel was suddenly very determined to capitalize on his crush.
Ponies dove out of the way to avoid collision with him as he sprinted towards the Apple Family cart. The sun was beginning to set, and most of the venders were packing up for the day. He didn't have much time.
"Caramel, wait!" Pinkie called again from a few paces behind him.
Caramel ignored her. She couldn't stop him now. After all, it was her determined attitude that inspired him to go for broke and find Applejack. He swung his head wildly from left to right. Where was that cart? He cursed his poor memory.
Caramel strained to remember where he had seen her. Suddenly it came to him and he shouted out loud "The hay bails!" He made a sharp turn, knocking over an elderly stallion in the process.
"Watch where you're going, you young whippersnapper!" the old pony called as he rose shakily to his feet, just in time to be knocked over again by a pursuing Pinkie Pie.
"Sorry Mr. Waddle!" she called back to the disoriented senior, and then returned her attention to Caramel. "Hold on a second!" she cried in vain.
He could now see his destination, not fifty meters ahead of him. And there was Applejack all alone, loading the last of the apples into her wagon, ready for some stallion to come and sweep her off her hooves. Caramel quickened his pace. He was so close, just a few more gallops!
"Caramel, wait! I have to tell you something important!" begged Pinkie, who was now quite a ways behind him.
"No time!" the stallion yelled over his shoulder, "I can't wait any longer! Nothing can stop me now!" Caramel whipped his head back around just in time to see a turquoise blur directly in front of him, and then experience a bone-rattling head-on collision.
Irony, my fillies and colts, is not an easy concept to grasp. The Equestrian Royal Dictionary at the Canterlot Library defines irony as "A pretense of ignorance and of willingness to learn from another assumed in order to make the other's false conceptions conspicuous by adroit questioning." I have no idea what this means. Likewise, I am probably unequipped to recognize irony in most situations. I am, however, very much able to recognize the irony in this particular instance. For Caramel did not simply run into a random passerby, he managed to plow right into the side of none other than his own ex-marefriend.
Caramel dizzily opened his eyes, and tried to identify the soft feathery thing he was lying on top of. It appeared to be another pony with a turquoise coat, vanilla mane, and carrot orange eyes. That all seemed very familiar to him.
"Uh, oh." he said out loud when she finally came into focus.
"Caramel?" spouted Sassaflash, who sounded very confused and very frightened at the same time.
"Caramel!?!" yelled another voice rather angrily. To Caramel's dismay, the voice belonged to Thunderlane, who was standing nearby.
"Uh, oh." Caramel repeated.
"What in Equestria do you think you are doing with my marefriend!?!" Thunderlane towered menacingly over the nearly fetal Caramel, who tried his best to stammer a suitable response. He quickly untangled himself from Sassaflash's hooves and rolled off of her. Once free, she stood up angrily and moved beside the fuming charcoal pegasus.
"It-It's not what it looks like!" Caramel pleaded. "I was just–"
"Caramel!" came the exasperated voice of Pinkie Pie, who had just now caught up to him. "Finally, I caught you. Listen, I can't let you ask her to be your Very Special Somepony."
Thunderlane did not know who the "she" was in Pinkie's statement, but in the throws of anger he made an assumption that was rather unfortunate for Caramel.
"You were going to ask her to be your Very Special Somepony, eh?" He demanded.
"Yep!" agreed Pinkie happily. "He was going on about how desirable a mare she was and not letting anything stop him. He ran all the way over here to take her for himself." Caramel internally cursed Pinkie for her lack of proper nouns.
Thunderlane now stood directly in front of Caramel, which only emphasized how much larger he was. He didn't speak, only glared. His eyes were like lasers burning holes deep into Caramel's. To his credit, Thunderlane was a passionate stallion.
Caramel, unfortunately, could not speak either. He tried to explain to Thunderlane that this was all a misunderstanding, tried to clear up who it was that Pinkie was talking about. When he opened his mouth to do so, only a wheezy whimper escaped. In an attempt to compensate he began gesturing wildly with his hooves, but the angry charcoal pegasus didn't seem to be getting the picture.
"Caramel why are you waving your arms like that?" asked Pinkie, who's ability to misjudge the seriousness of a situation never fails. "Oooh! Are we playing charades? Are you a goat? No, a birthday cake! I know, you're Mayor Mare!"
Pinkie never did figure out what Caramel was mimicking because at that moment Thunderlane reached the end of his tolerance. He whirled around and with one swift buck sent Caramel flying through the air.
"Oh! You're an apple tr– OOOF!" Pinkie's guess was cut short by the impact of Caramel colliding with her. They fell to the ground and tumbled for a couple meters before crashing right into the pile of hay.
"C'mon Sassy," proclaimed Thunderlane victoriously. "Let's get out of here."
To add insult to injury, as the two walked past the now scattered hay bails Sassaflash shook her head and insisted that "Some stallions just don't know when to give up."
Once he had cleared the hay from his eyes and was able to concentrate on something other than the pain in his side, Caramel looked up just in time to watch Applejack disappear into the dwindling crowd. The sun was beginning to set. Hearts and Hooves day was over. Caramel had failed, and he felt miserable.
"Ha ha ha, that was fun!" giggled Pinkie, popping her head out from the hay pile directly beneath Caramel. "We should jump into hay more often!"
It goes without saying that Caramel couldn't think much about fun. He had been hurt both emotionally and physically all day long. All he wanted to do was drown himself in custard.
"I'm done Pinkie." he said solemnly, "Thanks for your effort, but I think I'm just going to lay here for a few minutes and then go home. You should too."
"You can't!" Pinkie exclaimed, "Don't you remember all that stuff I said about not giving up and love being worth the wait?"
"It's the end of the day! Everypony's going home. We've run out of time. There's nopony for me out there…" Caramel closed his eyes and willed himself not to cry. He had been so close.
"Hey," said Pinkie in a rarely hear sympathetically soothing tone "Don't say that. You know that there's a mare who's perfect for you, and you'll find her eventually. She's probably right under–"
"Right under my muzzle! I know! You don't have to keep–"
And then, Caramel looked down. There, right under his Muzzle, was Pinkie Pie.
He had spent all day trying to find his perfect mare, but Caramel never bothered looking where it mattered. Who had spent her whole Hearts and Hooves Day with him just to make him feel better? Pinkie Pie. Who was a caring, fun-loving, and warm mare that devoted all of her time to brightening up pony's days? Pinkie Pie. Who was perfect for Caramel, and it just took him some time to realize it? Pinkamena Diane Pie. And that is who Caramel really needed.
All these thoughts rushed through Caramel's head fairly abruptly, and words began to spill out of his mouth before he could stop them.
"Pinkie Pie… Will you be my Very Special Somepony?" he blurted.
Almost instantly, Caramel turned redder than a 'Hearts and Hooves' shake. Only Pinkie's head and forelegs were visible, the rest of her being buried in the hay pile that Caramel was on top of. Since Caramel was on his stomach, their faces were very close together, which only served to make the situation more awkward.
He was about to apologize for his irrational outburst when Pinkie reached up and gave him a peck right on the end of his nose.
"I thought you'd never ask!" she sang.
If Caramel was red before, he was now what can only be described as "Sanguine".
Pinkie giggled, "You're cute when you blush." and then pulled herself out from the hay and helped Caramel off the top of the pile. She began walking towards Sugarcube Corner, and Caramel clumsily began to follow her.
"Where are we going?" he asked.
"Well, my original plan was to have a nice dinner with you and then throw a big 'Hearts and Hooves Day/Pinkie and Caramel got together' Party. I've already invited all of our friends!" she gave a big smile and then started to hop happily along next to her new coltfriend.
"So… You knew I'd ask you?" Caramel was a little embarrassed at having been so predictable.
"Of course." Pinkie replied, very matter-of-factly, "I know everything! I know who would make the best couples, and I know Twilight doesn't like dance parties in her house at three o'clock in the morning, and I know that the best kind of cookies have chocolate chips and peanut butter chips in them, and I know lots of other great stuff too."
Caramel chuckled. This was certainly going to be the most fun relationship he had ever been in. Something deep down inside told him that it would be the most meaningful too.
"You're lucky you didn't ask Applejack," Pinkie said. "If she'd bucked you, you would have flown clear across the Everfree Forest!"
"Yeah, Yeah," Caramel playfully nudged the Pink mare beside him, "Let's just go get something to eat. All I've had today is custard."
And that was the start of a truly beautiful relationship.
Well, there you have it! Nothing like a nice love story, especially now that we're so close to the magic of Hearts and Hooves Day. There's a lesson to be learned from all this, young ones. It is a very important lesson, so listen closely. If ever you feel– what now?
No, "Sanguine" is just a synonym for "red". Now then, if ever– huh?
No, Not every story needs an epic battle! Listen to me, if– WHAT?
Boring!? It wasn't boring, it was sweet! Why do you need adventure if you could have a cute little romance that makes you feel all warm, and fuzzy inside? Oh, whatever. Maybe you'll understand when you're older.