Right Under His Muzzle

Hearts and Hooves Day will soon be upon us, and everypony has a Very Special Somepony to share it with. Well... everypony except Caramel. It has been three months since Sassaflash dumped him, and now he has to find a new marefriend by the end of the day, or else risk being lonely forever!
Pinkie Pie seems to think that she can help, but it will take a lot of effort to pull Caramel out of the emotional dumps and get him back on his hooves.
This is a Shipping Story that I wrote in the spirit of the fast-approaching Hearts and Hooves Day. Enjoy!

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Comments ( 12 )

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Comment posted by dormagio deleted Oct 7th, 2013

Blankscape

Blankscape #2 · Feb 11th, 2013 · · ·

Great story, keep up the good work

airbournesquid

airbournesquid #3 · Feb 11th, 2013 · · ·

Well, that was a thoroughly pleasant read. Good job!

Comment posted by RadBunny deleted Oct 7th, 2013

Xenonic

Xenonic #5 · Feb 11th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Hurray for warm and fuzzy!

Darkskarr X

Darkskarr X #6 · Feb 13th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Here take ALL my d'awwws! Love this story, cant wait for more like this!

thewaffler

thewaffler #7 · Feb 13th, 2013 · 1 · ·

Oddly all I could think of was how much cholesterol and empty calories Caramel was consuming with all that custard which is made of only three ingredients milk, eggs and some kind of sweetener.

adorable ship fic by the way.

Blankscape

Blankscape #8 · Feb 17th, 2013 · · ·

Please allow me to post this review. I'm brushing up on my criticism for a post at The Equestrian Critics Society. I hope you'll find this helpful and constructive to your future literary endeavors

Story Title: Right Under His Muzzle
Author: Flutterstare
Reviewer: Blankscape
Review:
Well first off, your vocabulary matches the mellow feel of the story quite well, and the grammar is excellently up to par, otherwise I wouldn’t have bothered picking it up if it didn't. Grammar, after all, is important as it makes the story easier for you to convey to your audience, and that, in my opinion, is something needed among the more active writers of the site.
Moving on, it is a shipping one-shot fiction, so it was a good call to describe some scenery at very beginning, and leave everything else about the setting to the reader's imagination so as to give focus to the emotions and relationships. However, I did spot at least half a dozen missing punctuations here and there as well as a single instance of the first letter of a sentence left uncapitalized in the flashback sequence. Another suggestion is it’s also best to avoid using parentheses and numerical characters such as the instance ‘24/7’ for example in literary works because it messes with the flow and pacing of the story. Adding that to the others mentioned, you’ll probably want to watch out for those in the future.
The way you tell the story certainly is uniquely whimsical, and has you, the author, telling the tale personally to your audience. Fics like this don’t come around often, and this certainly is the first time I’ve actually read one with an on-hands narrator. It’s one of the strong points here and will definitely entice the majority of readers. In hindsight though, all lot of people out there may also feel that they’ve outgrown the need of a narrative speaker in fiction, and, aside from the “Powerpuff Girls”, there probably aren’t many TV shows out there that even have a narrator. Right from the very beginning, this gamble of a narrative stance in your story may also have potentially put off some other readers as well.
Now, while using Caramel as shipping fodder isn’t anything new, your story definitely has a unique twist to it in portraying him with an oblivious personality as opposed to the normally outspoken Pinkie Pie who had her true feelings hidden. The cast presented are also wonderfully in-character, and, though being non-canon, reading that part where Lyra unknowingly breaks the 4th wall certainly lent a lot to the comedic aspect. The passage that explains how Sassaflash and Caramel met was also a nice touch of continuity.
However, it is a disappointment that we only ever view things from Caramel’s perspective. Portraying Pinkie Pie as an ‘all-knowing life counselor’ here as well as the love interest really made things predictable and bland in the later paragraphs because none of her emotions or feelings were hashed out or explained. And because she is seemingly all-knowing to the point she carefully laid out a scheme to get Caramel’s attention in the end, a lot of the uncertainty and suspense has been taken out of it.
How she is introduced in the story doesn’t help either and may even go as far as to confuse some of the more serious members of the audience. In the beginning, Pinkie had been described by Caramel as he had ‘seen her around town often’ and ‘had a few good conversations’ with her. This very light and passing description of her can very well imply that they had never met prior to her employment at the bakery, only to be conveniently proven false by the flashback. Even then in that sequence and all the more throughout the entire story, it has never been fully explained how she came to like Caramel or what even sparked her romantic flame for him.
Not to mention that, in spite of harboring this interest for the stallion, she still acts goofy and calm as if she knows what’s going to happen and exactly how to act when one is in love. Though we see a lot of personal development on Caramel’s side, his significant other here doesn’t do much of the same, and this really brings down the story’s efforts to establish itself as an excellent, romantic one-shot.
All in all, this fic certainly is comedic and has a feel of slice-of-life to it, but what little yet significant detail that’s been left out in its romantic aspect leaves something to be desired. In the end, it doesn’t wholly satisfy or delivers what the romance tag promises.
Score: 7/10

Tell me if you think my review is fair. I'd also like to know if it seems a bit off somewhere.

flutterstare

flutterstare #9 · Feb 21st, 2013 · 1 · ·

2135585
Blankscape,
I don't think any review can be considered "good" or "bad".
To each his or her own. I just make the stories, I don't judge people on their opinions about them.
Sorry I didn't live up to your "Romance" tag expectations, I appreciate the comments though!
Good luck with your post to The Equestrian Critics Society!

eagle82948

eagle82948 #10 · Jul 10th, 2013 · · ·

Your author's inserts were funny. X) I like ship. It's exciting! Are there any other fanfics with these two?

flutterstare

flutterstare #11 · Dec 6th, 2013 · · ·

2851864
Sorry this is kind of a late reply, but I just wanted to let you know that I got the Pinkie-Caramel ship idea from "Windfall"

SageBrony07

SageBrony07 #12 · Mar 26th, 2014 · · ·

Well All I can say is Caramel is a better pony than me. I would have stormed off when I learned she set me up with mares with coltfriends. Best of luck with your next story.

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